New fic: Compass Rose, 3/7, Star Trek: Voyager, J/7
Title: Compass Rose
Author: chilly_flame
Fandom: Voyager
Pairing: J/7
Rating: M
Disclaimer: All the characters included herein are property of Paramount. Alas.
---
Seven treaded water at a safe distance, watching Kathryn. She looked distraught, wrestling with a demon Seven couldn't identify. Seven knew there was something between them, but what could possibly be holding Kathryn back after all this time?
Finally, Kathryn climbed the ladder onto the boat. Seven was at a loss. Her anxiety grew, until she decided to call on Counselor Abatha. She'd vowed not to contact her unless it was an emergency, but this felt as close to one as she was going to get.
Seven quickly made her way back to the ship and climbed aboard. Sandy greeted her with a blush, and she made small talk for only a moment before racing to get her communications PADD. Fortunately, Kathryn was already in the shower, so Seven knew she had a few minutes of privacy.
She sent her request for a direct connection, which the Counselor's assistant picked up. "Hello, Seven. How may I assist you?" Ingrid said.
"Is the Counselor available for a moment? I'm having a small… crisis," Seven said.
"Of course, hold on for just a moment."
Seconds later, the viewer replaced Ingrid's dark eyes with Counselor Abatha's. Her relaxed nature calmed Seven even at a distance. "Counselor, I'm sorry to bother you."
"Not at all, Seven. I expected to hear from you at some point. What can I do for you?"
Seven gave a quick summary of the events that had taken place thus far. Abatha nodded, hmmed and "yes'ed" as she explained. Finally, she described Kathryn's irritability and melancholy. "What have I done wrong?" Seven asked, desperately.
Smiling, Counselor Abatha sighed. "Only Kathryn can tell you that."
"Don't you have any ideas?"
"Of course I do, but there's a good chance I'd be wrong. We've spent many months deconstructing your past, Seven, interpreting events in different ways, allowing you to see things from her perspective. Let's try that now."
Seven's immediate answer was that Kathryn would be grateful for Seven's attention, but that was only a knee-jerk reaction. She focused on Kathryn, searching her memory for hints. "Historically, Kathryn has fallen into a depression following the death of a crew member, or from lack of excitement, as when we traveled through the Void. She also exhibited similar characteristics when we were experimented on without our knowledge. In the past three days, we have only had pleasant conversations, and enjoyed relaxing activities. There has been no tragedy."
"Are you sure about that?" Abatha asked through narrowed eyes.
Seven stilled. "What are you implying?"
"Tragedy presents in many forms, with differing results each time. Do not assume that everything has gone well for her since her return, or that you can guess what her behavior truly indicates."
Nodding her head, Seven took that into consideration. "I will keep it in mind. Can you offer any other analysis?"
The Counselor smirked. "Seven, you know as well as I do that I can't tell you what Kathryn's thinking. I'm a Betazoid, but it's not my job to read thoughts. Regardless, that's an unethical invasion of privacy I'm not willing to make."
Twisting her hands, Seven was distressed. "But what can I do? I feel certain she will ask to leave if this mood continues."
"Give her time. She's a resilient woman. Trust that she can work it out for herself."
"All right," Seven said, unable to keep the whine from her voice.
With a laugh, Abatha asked, "Are you enjoying yourself otherwise?"
"Yes," Seven breathed, flushed with pleasure. "It is wonderful to be near her again. Spending time with her has been beyond my expectations."
"So your feelings have not changed?"
Seven shook her head. "Not in the least."
"I'm glad. I want this to go well for you, Seven. Have patience. You've waited years. Give her time to catch up."
"I will comply," Seven said, before catching herself. She grinned.
"You're nervous," Abatha asserted.
"I am. The shower has stopped. I must go."
"Good luck."
"Thank you, Counselor." Seven cut the connection and shoved the PADD into her bag. She stood quickly and searched for the towel she'd dropped on her way in. Quickly she finished drying off from her swim as Kathryn strode in. She stopped, and Seven noticed the split second once-over Kathryn gave her before turning abruptly away.
Seven ground her teeth. Just yesterday Kathryn had been telling her how beautiful she was, how she never needed to hide. Now she would hardly look in Seven's direction. Seven's mouth hardened. "I'll be in the head," she said.
"Okay," Kathryn replied.
Restraining herself, she closed the door without slamming it. "Damn you, Kathryn," she whispered. She glanced in the mirror at herself, and after a moment, blinked. Though never one to admire her looks, she stared. The sun had given her skin a healthy glow, while her hair hung in damp, wavy strands down her cheeks. Her body, meanwhile, was well presented by the suit she'd selected with Kathryn in mind. Every asset was on display, and though Seven had been aware of the effect, perhaps it had been a little too much. Did Kathryn believe Seven was flaunting her body?
Seven recalled the shame in realizing after her first few months on Voyager that the silver jumpsuit she wore was too sexually suggestive to wear in a professional environment. The doctor had replicated it to support her implants and maintain her posture. But B'Elanna Torres had been the one to ruthlessly reveal her own thoughts about the suit, and the very next day Seven chosen a different color: brown. The look on B'Elanna's face when she'd arrived in engineering wearing it was a happy memory for Seven, even now.
With a sigh, Seven peeled off the suit. Tomorrow, she would wear the one-piece again. With a tee shirt. And maybe some long pants.
---
Kathryn carried her PADD back up to the crow's nest. Once at the top, she sent the message, and a few seconds later, Phoebe appeared. "Hey," she said breathlessly. "What's going on?"
"I'm here," Kathryn said, uncertainly.
Phoebe attempted to look behind her. "Here where? Are you outside?"
"I'm in the crow's nest at the top of the mast of the ship."
"Crimeny, Kathryn, you're a loon. What the hell are you doing up there?"
"It's the only place on the ship with any privacy."
"Not even your room?"
Kathryn paused. "I'm sharing. With Seven."
She clapped her hands. "Nice work, little sister! Mm, I bet you're having some amazing--"
"Phoebe," Kathryn hissed. "Stop it."
The grin vanished. "What is it?"
"We're not having anything. I'm going to get through this week and come home like nothing's changed."
Phoebe's mouth fell open. "You mean to tell me that this wasn't about, I don't know, the two of you getting together?"
"I told you, Phoebe, this is about Seven resolving issues. Whatever they are, we haven't gotten to, but the fact is, Seven's got her own life, and I'm not a part of it. That's that." The silence went on far longer than she'd expected. "Well?"
"I can see you're lonely for her, Katie. Why won't you admit it, just to me?"
The words broke her heart. "I can't, Phoebe." Saying it out loud would be too much to bear. "I just can't."
"Katie, you don't have to do this. If it's hurting you--"
"I'm fine," Kathryn said, wiping at her eyes angrily. "I was just upset. I'll get over it."
Phoebe looked sadly into the viewscreen. "I hope so."
Kathryn took a deep breath. "Talk to me about the Festival for a few minutes, okay? Just get my mind off this, Phoebe. Please.”
Though Kathryn could see her chewing her lip, Phoebe relented. "Mom's been baking for three hours, and Freddy's been shoveling hay since yesterday. Why in the world they won't use ANY technology for this thing is beyond me."
Leaning against the mast, Kathryn listened to Phoebe expound disapprovingly about every aspect of the Harvest Festival that was to take place. Kathryn wished she could be there, but another part of her was relieved to have gotten out of it. Her baking had not improved, nor had her knitting. She regretted not carving a pumpkin before she left--that was one skill she rivaled even Phoebe at. She certainly wouldn't miss having her mother try to set her up with one of the scads of eligible bachelors she met in various locations throughout the year. She wondered if Gretchen carried business cards about with her and handed them out to unsuspecting strangers. "Grandchild-less mother in search of handsome, single man to make tragically spinster daughter complete. Starfleet dropouts need not apply."
Eventually Phoebe was called away by their mother, and Kathryn sent good wishes for the party. Holding the PADD in her lap, Kathryn looked up and realized the sun had moved some distance since she'd sat down, and her stomach was grumbling. Despite that fact, she felt better. Lighter. Like things weren't so terrible. Phoebe could distract her from the worst problems, and Kathryn didn't take advantage of her skills nearly enough.
Carefully she descended from her perch and found a few of the crewmembers in deck chairs enjoying an appetizing afternoon beer. Seven was with them, wearing a long-sleeved shirt and khakis. She looked apprehensive. Suddenly Kathryn realized that her irritation had dissipated. Looking at the ground, she asked contritely, "Seven, would you fix me a snack?"
Glancing up, the smile Seven displayed was blinding, and it caught at Kathryn's heart. "Of course, Kathryn. I'll be right back."
Kathryn herself flopped into a chair next to Derek. She wondered if he would be interested in Seven, then kicked herself. Of course he would be. Who wouldn't? "What do you think of Seven, Derek?" she asked lightly.
He grinned. “She’s quite something, Admiral.”
“Do you have a girlfriend back home, wherever home is?”
His smile grew. “Are you asking me if I’d be interested in Annika then?”
“I might be.”
With a small chuckle, he said, “You know, ma’am,” he began, “if I thought I had a chance with her, I’d absolutely give it a shot. She’s a remarkable girl.”
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” she said slyly, as a little voice inside her screamed at her. What are you doing?
“Thanks, Admiral. I’ll think about it.”
Moments later, Seven returned. She carried a tray filled with cheese, bread and fruit, and a frosty glass of beer. Setting it next to Kathryn, she pointed out what she’d chosen. “Your favorites: strawberries, pineapple and raspberries. This is white Irish cheddar and this is manchego, with fresh San Francisco sourdough. The beer is a lager from New Zealand that the crew packed especially for you. It’s a specialty of the region.”
“Thank you, Seven,” she said, anticipating the repast in front of her. She made short work of the fruit before dedicating time to the bread and cheese. Combined with the rich flavors of the beer, it was a spectacular lunch. She felt a thousand times better having eaten, and the drink settled her nerves. It wasn’t so bad, being here with Seven and these kind people. She found herself wanting to reach out and hold Seven’s hand again.
But she didn’t.
The rest of the crew eventually joined them, and the late afternoon turned to evening. Dinner was an informal affair, with everyone venturing into the galley to fix their own meal as they saw fit. Seven made her share of jokes, much to Kathryn’s delight. She flirted a little with both Simon and Josiah, who responded in kind, but without intent. That wasn’t a disappointment, since she was more interested in discovering whether there was any chemistry between Seven and Derek. She liked his background; he’d been a Starfleet Engineering cadet when the Dominion War broke out, and he moved quickly up the ranks. But when the war ended, he returned to his first love: his father’s fishing boat off the coast of Nova Scotia. There was still a demand for real fish rather than replicated, and the business was successful. Eventually he took a break and left for Australia, where he’d met up with Josiah, and he’d been here for eight months.
He wasn’t exactly what she imagined for Seven, but he was handsome and intelligent. A proper distraction. Just what Seven needed.
She picked at the plates everyone shared, as did Seven. Two more beers and she was pleasantly buzzed, slumped in her seat as the stars shone down upon them.
"Are you happy, Kathryn?" Seven asked pointedly, quiet enough so none of the other crew could hear.
Kathryn chortled at the seriousness of the question. "Happy is a relative term, Seven."
There was a pause. "Are you?"
She had no intention of getting into this now. She was enjoying herself. Talking of her current circumstances would ruin it. "Yes," she said simply.
"I believe I am unhappy," Seven said softly.
"What do you mean?" Kathryn said.
"I miss our collective," she replied simply.
Our collective. The pain in Seven's voice pierced through her lassitude. "On Voyager, you mean?"
"Yes." Seven struggled to say more. "But you are the primary member I refer to. I miss our connection.”
Kathryn nodded absently. "I see." I miss it too.
"Are you angry with me, Kathryn?"
"No, of course not," she said quickly. "Why would I be?" Kathryn shifted in her seat, hoping perhaps for a giant wave to tip the boat. Red alert, she thought. Please.
"I have felt today that you are dissatisfied with our talks. That you regret your decision to come on the ship with me."
"I don't. You know I'm always here for you." She patted Seven's hand.
"That is a fallacy. You are not 'here for me.' You are not part of my life any longer," Seven said, heat lacing her tone. "I sought your presence after Voyager's return and was rewarded with only with unanswered messages. Will things be the same once we have ended this excursion?"
Kathryn was starting to get angry. How dare she? "Seven, we’ve already discussed this. You were occupied with Chakotay. I had no intention of taking any more of your time than I already had. You didn't need me inserting myself--"
"But I did! You left me alone."
"You weren't alone."
"I may as well have been. Chakotay was an unsatisfactory partner."
"That's not my problem," Kathryn spat. "You chose to be with him."
"But I didn't expect to lose you in the process."
There was the crux of it. The thing Kathryn hadn't really thought through. Seven didn't deliberately cut off their communications, but Kathryn had. She couldn't deal with seeing them together. Even viewing photos of them together felt like physical wounds. She hadn't dealt with the pain, only set it aside on a shelf inside her. Now it was pouring out in a flood.
You chose him over me, she thought irrationally, angrily. But in reality, that wasn't the case. Seven had been experimenting. Chakotay seemed a suitable enough candidate. God knew Kathryn had flirted with the idea of taking up with him near the beginning of their journey. It would have been a mistake of epic proportions, so she applauded herself for her restraint.
But Seven had no such experience. Chakotay was open, and it began. On the ship, Kathryn had wondered what was happening with Seven, noticing her distance. Then the other Admiral Janeway had blown everything to pieces, revealing her future marriage.
Though she hadn't realized it, Kathryn was still holding the marriage over Seven's head as an unrealized betrayal that never took place. Their coupling had ended in this timeline, but in the other, she'd likely performed the marriage ceremony herself. Bitter tears choked her, and the image of Seven in white at Chakotay's side was one she could never shake. Even though it hadn’t happened.
Kathryn didn't know how long she'd drifted in thought until Seven spoke again. "I can never express to you my regret at ever initiating that relationship, Kathryn. It was a mistake. If I had known..." Tears clouded her words. "At the time, he was the only option available to me. Given the chance to do things over again, I would do differently."
Pushing down her own tears, she told Seven truthfully, "So would I." She sniffled, embarrassed at her earlier anger. "You don't owe me an explanation, Seven. I'm the one who made a mistake. I--I'm not proud of myself. I hope you can forgive me."
"I do, Kathryn. I want to put this behind us fully, and our initial conversation seemed... unfinished. I wish for both of us to move forward."
Kathryn smiled gently. "I want that too. I want you to have the life you deserve," she said, unable to hide the emotion behind the words.
"You are a part of that life, Kathryn." Seven's pale blue eyes connected with hers. "I can not allow our separation to continue."
Kathryn's stomach lurched. Seven was going to be far more difficult to avoid now. She could only try not to embarrass herself further. "All right," she said softly.
She felt jittery, her buzz wearing off quickly in the cool night air. The crew's conversation was growing more raucous as they continued to imbibe, and Kathryn was envious. They all seemed so young and free, even Josiah. No responsibilities except to themselves.
What must that be like?
---
Seven awoke refreshed after a good night's sleep. Soon after her conversation with Kathryn, they had both retired uneventfully. Kathryn had seemed drained and a little drunk, the combination of which made her drop off to sleep almost instantly. Seven had never before heard Kathryn snore, and it amused her.
Today, they were stopping at a beach to swim and enjoy some time on the sand. Seven looked forward to it. But first, she would make Kathryn’s coffee and breakfast.
Quickly she ground the beans and poured the water into the old fashioned French press. As it brewed, Seven sliced fresh bread for French toast. She made enough for herself as well, and was nearly finished when Kathryn found her way into the galley.
“Morning,” Kathryn said.
“Good morning. How are you?”
“I’m fine. I slept well.”
“I expect so.”
Kathryn grimaced, and Seven laughed. “Did I snore?” Seven nodded. “I figured. I’m sorry-it happens sometimes when I’m overtired.”
“It was soothing,” Seven said, honestly.
“That’s a new one,” Kathryn muttered. “What are you making?”
“French toast.”
“Seven, how am I supposed to go back to my daily muffin and coffee when you’re spoiling me like this?”
Seven said nothing, but couldn’t prevent her smile. If she had her way, Kathryn would be enjoying her breakfasts for a long time to come.
When the coffee was ready, Seven poured herself some as well, adding some steamed milk and vanilla. Though she had her own cup, Kathryn asked, “Can I try yours?” Seven pushed it forward, and Kathryn took a tentative sip. “Delicious. Will you-?“ She gestured to the cup.
Seven was incongruously proud that Kathryn enjoyed her concoction. It was a positive portent for the day.
The meal was ready, and Seven plated two portions. Kathryn grabbed syrup, coffee and juice and put everything on a tray. “Want to eat outside?”
“Certainly,” Seven replied. She added a bowl of strawberries and carried the three plates up the steps. She dropped the sliced berries onto both servings, and she could see Kathryn practically rubbing her hands together in anticipation.
At first bite, Kathryn groaned, and Seven laughed. It was delectable, she had to admit. Kathryn poured far too much syrup on her serving, while Seven was conservative. There was little conversation as they ate, with Seven listening to the appreciative sounds coming from the other side of the table.
Kathryn cleaned her plate. "You've outdone yourself, Seven. That was spectacular."
"My pleasure." She continued to nibble on berries as Kathryn stood to look out over the rail. The boat was moving inland at a reasonable pace. They'd drop anchor and row out to the beach soon. The crew was milling about, chatting and probably recovering from their late night. Fortunately, no one looked too worse for wear.
"It's gorgeous. Is that why we came here?" Kathryn asked.
"I read extensively about beach and sailing vacations, and Australia was highly recommended in almost every case. The scenery seemed appropriate, and when I contacted the Captain, I liked him. The choice was simple after that."
"It really is unbelievable. I'd never been to this part of the region."
"When were you here before?"
Kathryn smirked. "When I picked Tom Paris up from the New Zealand penal colony about twelve years ago."
"Fascinating. I often wish I had known the crew prior to my arrival. I understand that many changes took place during the first few years of your voyage."
"Absolutely," Kathryn said with a wave of her hand. "You think B'Elanna was difficult when you knew her? She was nearly impossible to deal with our first year out there. We argued constantly. Much as it surprised me, being with Tom really calmed her down."
"And Mr. Paris?"
"No matter what happened, Tom was always relaxed. I think that's what makes him such an amazing pilot. He would always 'go with the flow,' his words," she said. "He seemed so lost. As much as he was happy to be out of prison, his father's rejection was a deep wound. Now things are different of course--Owen couldn't be prouder. But that was a tough time." Kathryn's eyes lost focus, caught in a memory. "It was tough for all of them."
"And for you," Seven added.
Kathryn looked up. "I suppose. But I was so busy trying to keep it all together I barely had a moment to reflect on my own loss." She was quiet for a few moments, and Seven didn't interrupt. "I put on a brave face, but I was terrified." A wrinkle appeared between her brows. "I don't usually talk about this."
Seven tilted her head. "If it makes you uncomfortable, we can alter our topic of conversation." She waited, but Kathryn didn't make any indication either way. Her curiosity was intense, however; Kathryn rarely showed vulnerability, especially regarding command.
"I guess… I had no choice. To live as the Captain every moment, to always be the one to make the final call. My mother has often said that it was a job I was born for, but it… exhausted me." She glanced down at the floorboards beneath her feet, damp from the splashing waves. "I never told you this, but once in a blue moon, the idea of a hive mind seemed like a relief."
To hear Kathryn say those words, she knew the weight of command must have been the heaviest of burdens. "No decisions to be made," Seven said softly.
"Exactly. To move forward always with a purpose. The knowledge that you had a single duty to fulfill, on a road laid out for you by someone else. It had a certain twisted appeal, on my worst days." She shook her head. "I would never have given up my Captaincy. I certainly wouldn't have been able to report to Chakotay with a straight face." Seven chuckled, surprised at the dig. Kathryn sighed. "But a break would have been nice. Just a few hours, now and then."
"Do you miss it?"
"Being a captain?" Kathryn asked. Seven nodded once. "All the time. Be careful what you wish for, so the saying goes. I'm on a permanent break, now."
"You don't enjoy being an Admiral?"
Kathryn snorted. "It has its advantages. I can always get a table at the Officer's Club. Everyone knows my name."
"They would know it regardless," Seven interjected.
She shrugged. "Maybe. But…" Seven could see the hesitation in her eyes. "It's not really what I envisioned for myself. I thought I'd have my own ship for at least another ten or fifteen years. But after the briefings, I was so drained. And the brass wasn't exactly keen on letting me go back out in the field, you know."
"I didn't realize," Seven said, shocked.
"They needed me at home. The war had ended, the fleet decimated. We arrived just at the right moment. I was a supposed to be a hero, but I ended up a figurehead. A representation of the best Starfleet Captains--dedicated, motivated, tireless. But a figurehead doesn't do anything. It sits," Kathryn pointed to the ship's own wooden ornament, perched at the stern, "and watches while the world goes by."
Seven had never considered any of this. It felt like a physical blow to hear Kathryn describe it.
"So I have my office, and meetings, and I give speeches, to instruct or inspire." Kathryn continued. "I jog in the Presidio, around my ship that's a museum. Once in a while I go inside, when I'm feeling really terrible. Just to make myself feel a little worse."
"Kathryn," Seven said sharply.
"What, you're surprised?" she said. "They said I was a loose cannon. To them I'd spent seven years doing whatever the hell I wanted. How would I be able to handle reporting back to Starfleet again?" She threw her hands up in the air. "At least I wasn't arrested by the Relativity. Considering what the other Admiral Janeway did, I expected it to happen."
"The thought had occurred to me as well," Seven added, reflecting on their experiences on the time ship.
"What really got me," Kathryn said, sitting down once more next to Seven, "is that my psych profile came back clean. They recommended three months leave, followed by a new command. Voyager would have been decommissioned regardless. But something happened... I was never able to find out what."
"Are psychological profiles not confidential?"
Kathryn grinned knowingly. "I've been in Starfleet for almost thirty years, Seven. I have a lot of friends."
Seven took a deep breath. This information was... unsettling. She had always imagined the Captain as undefeatable, a warrior who would never, ever give up. "Why did you not fight for a new command?"
With a shrug, Kathryn replied, "My mother."
It was an unexpected answer. "Explain."
"We were gone a long time," she said, meeting Seven's eyes. "When I saw her, I almost didn't recognize her. She had aged. Dramatically." Kathryn's gaze grew distant. "It could have been a hundred years that I was missing. She was so frail. And Phoebe was a wreck. I've known her since the day she was born, and I can count on two hands how many times I'd seen her cry. Really sob, I mean. That first week we were home, she cried constantly."
"So you chose to remain on Earth to be near them."
Her lips curled into that half smile that Seven had missed. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Do you regret it?"
There was a long silence. "Depends on the day," she said finally.
"Perhaps you could... reconsider your decision," Seven offered.
"That ship has sailed, Seven. So to speak."
"Do not be so sure. I believe if you made an effort, you could easily regain the rank of Captain." Seven felt certain of it.
"I don't know. It's been a long time." She fell deep into thought, her hands clasped together. "Do you really think I could do it?"
Seven smiled. "Kathryn, I believe as your mother does: you were born to lead. You are a captain, no matter what your rank. I have met many other commanding officers in my time on Earth, and on Utopia Planetia, but not one has ever surpassed you. Your charisma, your sensitivity, your compassion, but above all, your unerring determination to do what is right and good is unparalleled. I believe that your crew, the crew of Voyager, would have followed you into hell if you'd asked."
Kathryn's eyes were wet. She cleared her throat. "I won't tell Jean-Luc you said that."
"He already knows how I feel. And he has heard the stories from many others besides me. The loyalty you inspired has been the envy of Starfleet. Did you know how many crewmembers signed up to serve under your command again after we came home?"
When Kathryn shook her head, Seven wondered why she'd never used her "insider status" to find out. "Eighty seven." At Kathryn's expression of disbelief, she continued. "Jean-Luc told me, in confidence of course." She gave a tiny smile. "The messages flooded in once the briefings concluded. And there were hundreds more from other starships who made similar requests for transfer. You had a waiting list longer than any other officer, but no roster to fill. I consider that a travesty, Captain. One that should be corrected."
The silence went on, and Seven watched Kathryn’s eyes. She didn’t expect an answer right then, but was pleased to have brought up the idea. Eventually Josiah interrupted, saying, “Ready to go ashore?”
Kathryn nodded absently; Seven followed her down to their quarters to pack a few things. Seven made sure to gather enough towels and sunscreen for the both of them, as well as snorkeling gear and the lunch items she’d set in stasis for later in the day. Kathryn seemed distracted, but before departing, she touched Seven’s arm. Seven turned to her, anticipating. But Kathryn couldn’t seem to find words, instead shaking her head and squeezing Seven’s wrist gently. She smiled, and walked out to the upper deck.
---
Part IV
Author: chilly_flame
Fandom: Voyager
Pairing: J/7
Rating: M
Disclaimer: All the characters included herein are property of Paramount. Alas.
---
Seven treaded water at a safe distance, watching Kathryn. She looked distraught, wrestling with a demon Seven couldn't identify. Seven knew there was something between them, but what could possibly be holding Kathryn back after all this time?
Finally, Kathryn climbed the ladder onto the boat. Seven was at a loss. Her anxiety grew, until she decided to call on Counselor Abatha. She'd vowed not to contact her unless it was an emergency, but this felt as close to one as she was going to get.
Seven quickly made her way back to the ship and climbed aboard. Sandy greeted her with a blush, and she made small talk for only a moment before racing to get her communications PADD. Fortunately, Kathryn was already in the shower, so Seven knew she had a few minutes of privacy.
She sent her request for a direct connection, which the Counselor's assistant picked up. "Hello, Seven. How may I assist you?" Ingrid said.
"Is the Counselor available for a moment? I'm having a small… crisis," Seven said.
"Of course, hold on for just a moment."
Seconds later, the viewer replaced Ingrid's dark eyes with Counselor Abatha's. Her relaxed nature calmed Seven even at a distance. "Counselor, I'm sorry to bother you."
"Not at all, Seven. I expected to hear from you at some point. What can I do for you?"
Seven gave a quick summary of the events that had taken place thus far. Abatha nodded, hmmed and "yes'ed" as she explained. Finally, she described Kathryn's irritability and melancholy. "What have I done wrong?" Seven asked, desperately.
Smiling, Counselor Abatha sighed. "Only Kathryn can tell you that."
"Don't you have any ideas?"
"Of course I do, but there's a good chance I'd be wrong. We've spent many months deconstructing your past, Seven, interpreting events in different ways, allowing you to see things from her perspective. Let's try that now."
Seven's immediate answer was that Kathryn would be grateful for Seven's attention, but that was only a knee-jerk reaction. She focused on Kathryn, searching her memory for hints. "Historically, Kathryn has fallen into a depression following the death of a crew member, or from lack of excitement, as when we traveled through the Void. She also exhibited similar characteristics when we were experimented on without our knowledge. In the past three days, we have only had pleasant conversations, and enjoyed relaxing activities. There has been no tragedy."
"Are you sure about that?" Abatha asked through narrowed eyes.
Seven stilled. "What are you implying?"
"Tragedy presents in many forms, with differing results each time. Do not assume that everything has gone well for her since her return, or that you can guess what her behavior truly indicates."
Nodding her head, Seven took that into consideration. "I will keep it in mind. Can you offer any other analysis?"
The Counselor smirked. "Seven, you know as well as I do that I can't tell you what Kathryn's thinking. I'm a Betazoid, but it's not my job to read thoughts. Regardless, that's an unethical invasion of privacy I'm not willing to make."
Twisting her hands, Seven was distressed. "But what can I do? I feel certain she will ask to leave if this mood continues."
"Give her time. She's a resilient woman. Trust that she can work it out for herself."
"All right," Seven said, unable to keep the whine from her voice.
With a laugh, Abatha asked, "Are you enjoying yourself otherwise?"
"Yes," Seven breathed, flushed with pleasure. "It is wonderful to be near her again. Spending time with her has been beyond my expectations."
"So your feelings have not changed?"
Seven shook her head. "Not in the least."
"I'm glad. I want this to go well for you, Seven. Have patience. You've waited years. Give her time to catch up."
"I will comply," Seven said, before catching herself. She grinned.
"You're nervous," Abatha asserted.
"I am. The shower has stopped. I must go."
"Good luck."
"Thank you, Counselor." Seven cut the connection and shoved the PADD into her bag. She stood quickly and searched for the towel she'd dropped on her way in. Quickly she finished drying off from her swim as Kathryn strode in. She stopped, and Seven noticed the split second once-over Kathryn gave her before turning abruptly away.
Seven ground her teeth. Just yesterday Kathryn had been telling her how beautiful she was, how she never needed to hide. Now she would hardly look in Seven's direction. Seven's mouth hardened. "I'll be in the head," she said.
"Okay," Kathryn replied.
Restraining herself, she closed the door without slamming it. "Damn you, Kathryn," she whispered. She glanced in the mirror at herself, and after a moment, blinked. Though never one to admire her looks, she stared. The sun had given her skin a healthy glow, while her hair hung in damp, wavy strands down her cheeks. Her body, meanwhile, was well presented by the suit she'd selected with Kathryn in mind. Every asset was on display, and though Seven had been aware of the effect, perhaps it had been a little too much. Did Kathryn believe Seven was flaunting her body?
Seven recalled the shame in realizing after her first few months on Voyager that the silver jumpsuit she wore was too sexually suggestive to wear in a professional environment. The doctor had replicated it to support her implants and maintain her posture. But B'Elanna Torres had been the one to ruthlessly reveal her own thoughts about the suit, and the very next day Seven chosen a different color: brown. The look on B'Elanna's face when she'd arrived in engineering wearing it was a happy memory for Seven, even now.
With a sigh, Seven peeled off the suit. Tomorrow, she would wear the one-piece again. With a tee shirt. And maybe some long pants.
---
Kathryn carried her PADD back up to the crow's nest. Once at the top, she sent the message, and a few seconds later, Phoebe appeared. "Hey," she said breathlessly. "What's going on?"
"I'm here," Kathryn said, uncertainly.
Phoebe attempted to look behind her. "Here where? Are you outside?"
"I'm in the crow's nest at the top of the mast of the ship."
"Crimeny, Kathryn, you're a loon. What the hell are you doing up there?"
"It's the only place on the ship with any privacy."
"Not even your room?"
Kathryn paused. "I'm sharing. With Seven."
She clapped her hands. "Nice work, little sister! Mm, I bet you're having some amazing--"
"Phoebe," Kathryn hissed. "Stop it."
The grin vanished. "What is it?"
"We're not having anything. I'm going to get through this week and come home like nothing's changed."
Phoebe's mouth fell open. "You mean to tell me that this wasn't about, I don't know, the two of you getting together?"
"I told you, Phoebe, this is about Seven resolving issues. Whatever they are, we haven't gotten to, but the fact is, Seven's got her own life, and I'm not a part of it. That's that." The silence went on far longer than she'd expected. "Well?"
"I can see you're lonely for her, Katie. Why won't you admit it, just to me?"
The words broke her heart. "I can't, Phoebe." Saying it out loud would be too much to bear. "I just can't."
"Katie, you don't have to do this. If it's hurting you--"
"I'm fine," Kathryn said, wiping at her eyes angrily. "I was just upset. I'll get over it."
Phoebe looked sadly into the viewscreen. "I hope so."
Kathryn took a deep breath. "Talk to me about the Festival for a few minutes, okay? Just get my mind off this, Phoebe. Please.”
Though Kathryn could see her chewing her lip, Phoebe relented. "Mom's been baking for three hours, and Freddy's been shoveling hay since yesterday. Why in the world they won't use ANY technology for this thing is beyond me."
Leaning against the mast, Kathryn listened to Phoebe expound disapprovingly about every aspect of the Harvest Festival that was to take place. Kathryn wished she could be there, but another part of her was relieved to have gotten out of it. Her baking had not improved, nor had her knitting. She regretted not carving a pumpkin before she left--that was one skill she rivaled even Phoebe at. She certainly wouldn't miss having her mother try to set her up with one of the scads of eligible bachelors she met in various locations throughout the year. She wondered if Gretchen carried business cards about with her and handed them out to unsuspecting strangers. "Grandchild-less mother in search of handsome, single man to make tragically spinster daughter complete. Starfleet dropouts need not apply."
Eventually Phoebe was called away by their mother, and Kathryn sent good wishes for the party. Holding the PADD in her lap, Kathryn looked up and realized the sun had moved some distance since she'd sat down, and her stomach was grumbling. Despite that fact, she felt better. Lighter. Like things weren't so terrible. Phoebe could distract her from the worst problems, and Kathryn didn't take advantage of her skills nearly enough.
Carefully she descended from her perch and found a few of the crewmembers in deck chairs enjoying an appetizing afternoon beer. Seven was with them, wearing a long-sleeved shirt and khakis. She looked apprehensive. Suddenly Kathryn realized that her irritation had dissipated. Looking at the ground, she asked contritely, "Seven, would you fix me a snack?"
Glancing up, the smile Seven displayed was blinding, and it caught at Kathryn's heart. "Of course, Kathryn. I'll be right back."
Kathryn herself flopped into a chair next to Derek. She wondered if he would be interested in Seven, then kicked herself. Of course he would be. Who wouldn't? "What do you think of Seven, Derek?" she asked lightly.
He grinned. “She’s quite something, Admiral.”
“Do you have a girlfriend back home, wherever home is?”
His smile grew. “Are you asking me if I’d be interested in Annika then?”
“I might be.”
With a small chuckle, he said, “You know, ma’am,” he began, “if I thought I had a chance with her, I’d absolutely give it a shot. She’s a remarkable girl.”
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” she said slyly, as a little voice inside her screamed at her. What are you doing?
“Thanks, Admiral. I’ll think about it.”
Moments later, Seven returned. She carried a tray filled with cheese, bread and fruit, and a frosty glass of beer. Setting it next to Kathryn, she pointed out what she’d chosen. “Your favorites: strawberries, pineapple and raspberries. This is white Irish cheddar and this is manchego, with fresh San Francisco sourdough. The beer is a lager from New Zealand that the crew packed especially for you. It’s a specialty of the region.”
“Thank you, Seven,” she said, anticipating the repast in front of her. She made short work of the fruit before dedicating time to the bread and cheese. Combined with the rich flavors of the beer, it was a spectacular lunch. She felt a thousand times better having eaten, and the drink settled her nerves. It wasn’t so bad, being here with Seven and these kind people. She found herself wanting to reach out and hold Seven’s hand again.
But she didn’t.
The rest of the crew eventually joined them, and the late afternoon turned to evening. Dinner was an informal affair, with everyone venturing into the galley to fix their own meal as they saw fit. Seven made her share of jokes, much to Kathryn’s delight. She flirted a little with both Simon and Josiah, who responded in kind, but without intent. That wasn’t a disappointment, since she was more interested in discovering whether there was any chemistry between Seven and Derek. She liked his background; he’d been a Starfleet Engineering cadet when the Dominion War broke out, and he moved quickly up the ranks. But when the war ended, he returned to his first love: his father’s fishing boat off the coast of Nova Scotia. There was still a demand for real fish rather than replicated, and the business was successful. Eventually he took a break and left for Australia, where he’d met up with Josiah, and he’d been here for eight months.
He wasn’t exactly what she imagined for Seven, but he was handsome and intelligent. A proper distraction. Just what Seven needed.
She picked at the plates everyone shared, as did Seven. Two more beers and she was pleasantly buzzed, slumped in her seat as the stars shone down upon them.
"Are you happy, Kathryn?" Seven asked pointedly, quiet enough so none of the other crew could hear.
Kathryn chortled at the seriousness of the question. "Happy is a relative term, Seven."
There was a pause. "Are you?"
She had no intention of getting into this now. She was enjoying herself. Talking of her current circumstances would ruin it. "Yes," she said simply.
"I believe I am unhappy," Seven said softly.
"What do you mean?" Kathryn said.
"I miss our collective," she replied simply.
Our collective. The pain in Seven's voice pierced through her lassitude. "On Voyager, you mean?"
"Yes." Seven struggled to say more. "But you are the primary member I refer to. I miss our connection.”
Kathryn nodded absently. "I see." I miss it too.
"Are you angry with me, Kathryn?"
"No, of course not," she said quickly. "Why would I be?" Kathryn shifted in her seat, hoping perhaps for a giant wave to tip the boat. Red alert, she thought. Please.
"I have felt today that you are dissatisfied with our talks. That you regret your decision to come on the ship with me."
"I don't. You know I'm always here for you." She patted Seven's hand.
"That is a fallacy. You are not 'here for me.' You are not part of my life any longer," Seven said, heat lacing her tone. "I sought your presence after Voyager's return and was rewarded with only with unanswered messages. Will things be the same once we have ended this excursion?"
Kathryn was starting to get angry. How dare she? "Seven, we’ve already discussed this. You were occupied with Chakotay. I had no intention of taking any more of your time than I already had. You didn't need me inserting myself--"
"But I did! You left me alone."
"You weren't alone."
"I may as well have been. Chakotay was an unsatisfactory partner."
"That's not my problem," Kathryn spat. "You chose to be with him."
"But I didn't expect to lose you in the process."
There was the crux of it. The thing Kathryn hadn't really thought through. Seven didn't deliberately cut off their communications, but Kathryn had. She couldn't deal with seeing them together. Even viewing photos of them together felt like physical wounds. She hadn't dealt with the pain, only set it aside on a shelf inside her. Now it was pouring out in a flood.
You chose him over me, she thought irrationally, angrily. But in reality, that wasn't the case. Seven had been experimenting. Chakotay seemed a suitable enough candidate. God knew Kathryn had flirted with the idea of taking up with him near the beginning of their journey. It would have been a mistake of epic proportions, so she applauded herself for her restraint.
But Seven had no such experience. Chakotay was open, and it began. On the ship, Kathryn had wondered what was happening with Seven, noticing her distance. Then the other Admiral Janeway had blown everything to pieces, revealing her future marriage.
Though she hadn't realized it, Kathryn was still holding the marriage over Seven's head as an unrealized betrayal that never took place. Their coupling had ended in this timeline, but in the other, she'd likely performed the marriage ceremony herself. Bitter tears choked her, and the image of Seven in white at Chakotay's side was one she could never shake. Even though it hadn’t happened.
Kathryn didn't know how long she'd drifted in thought until Seven spoke again. "I can never express to you my regret at ever initiating that relationship, Kathryn. It was a mistake. If I had known..." Tears clouded her words. "At the time, he was the only option available to me. Given the chance to do things over again, I would do differently."
Pushing down her own tears, she told Seven truthfully, "So would I." She sniffled, embarrassed at her earlier anger. "You don't owe me an explanation, Seven. I'm the one who made a mistake. I--I'm not proud of myself. I hope you can forgive me."
"I do, Kathryn. I want to put this behind us fully, and our initial conversation seemed... unfinished. I wish for both of us to move forward."
Kathryn smiled gently. "I want that too. I want you to have the life you deserve," she said, unable to hide the emotion behind the words.
"You are a part of that life, Kathryn." Seven's pale blue eyes connected with hers. "I can not allow our separation to continue."
Kathryn's stomach lurched. Seven was going to be far more difficult to avoid now. She could only try not to embarrass herself further. "All right," she said softly.
She felt jittery, her buzz wearing off quickly in the cool night air. The crew's conversation was growing more raucous as they continued to imbibe, and Kathryn was envious. They all seemed so young and free, even Josiah. No responsibilities except to themselves.
What must that be like?
---
Seven awoke refreshed after a good night's sleep. Soon after her conversation with Kathryn, they had both retired uneventfully. Kathryn had seemed drained and a little drunk, the combination of which made her drop off to sleep almost instantly. Seven had never before heard Kathryn snore, and it amused her.
Today, they were stopping at a beach to swim and enjoy some time on the sand. Seven looked forward to it. But first, she would make Kathryn’s coffee and breakfast.
Quickly she ground the beans and poured the water into the old fashioned French press. As it brewed, Seven sliced fresh bread for French toast. She made enough for herself as well, and was nearly finished when Kathryn found her way into the galley.
“Morning,” Kathryn said.
“Good morning. How are you?”
“I’m fine. I slept well.”
“I expect so.”
Kathryn grimaced, and Seven laughed. “Did I snore?” Seven nodded. “I figured. I’m sorry-it happens sometimes when I’m overtired.”
“It was soothing,” Seven said, honestly.
“That’s a new one,” Kathryn muttered. “What are you making?”
“French toast.”
“Seven, how am I supposed to go back to my daily muffin and coffee when you’re spoiling me like this?”
Seven said nothing, but couldn’t prevent her smile. If she had her way, Kathryn would be enjoying her breakfasts for a long time to come.
When the coffee was ready, Seven poured herself some as well, adding some steamed milk and vanilla. Though she had her own cup, Kathryn asked, “Can I try yours?” Seven pushed it forward, and Kathryn took a tentative sip. “Delicious. Will you-?“ She gestured to the cup.
Seven was incongruously proud that Kathryn enjoyed her concoction. It was a positive portent for the day.
The meal was ready, and Seven plated two portions. Kathryn grabbed syrup, coffee and juice and put everything on a tray. “Want to eat outside?”
“Certainly,” Seven replied. She added a bowl of strawberries and carried the three plates up the steps. She dropped the sliced berries onto both servings, and she could see Kathryn practically rubbing her hands together in anticipation.
At first bite, Kathryn groaned, and Seven laughed. It was delectable, she had to admit. Kathryn poured far too much syrup on her serving, while Seven was conservative. There was little conversation as they ate, with Seven listening to the appreciative sounds coming from the other side of the table.
Kathryn cleaned her plate. "You've outdone yourself, Seven. That was spectacular."
"My pleasure." She continued to nibble on berries as Kathryn stood to look out over the rail. The boat was moving inland at a reasonable pace. They'd drop anchor and row out to the beach soon. The crew was milling about, chatting and probably recovering from their late night. Fortunately, no one looked too worse for wear.
"It's gorgeous. Is that why we came here?" Kathryn asked.
"I read extensively about beach and sailing vacations, and Australia was highly recommended in almost every case. The scenery seemed appropriate, and when I contacted the Captain, I liked him. The choice was simple after that."
"It really is unbelievable. I'd never been to this part of the region."
"When were you here before?"
Kathryn smirked. "When I picked Tom Paris up from the New Zealand penal colony about twelve years ago."
"Fascinating. I often wish I had known the crew prior to my arrival. I understand that many changes took place during the first few years of your voyage."
"Absolutely," Kathryn said with a wave of her hand. "You think B'Elanna was difficult when you knew her? She was nearly impossible to deal with our first year out there. We argued constantly. Much as it surprised me, being with Tom really calmed her down."
"And Mr. Paris?"
"No matter what happened, Tom was always relaxed. I think that's what makes him such an amazing pilot. He would always 'go with the flow,' his words," she said. "He seemed so lost. As much as he was happy to be out of prison, his father's rejection was a deep wound. Now things are different of course--Owen couldn't be prouder. But that was a tough time." Kathryn's eyes lost focus, caught in a memory. "It was tough for all of them."
"And for you," Seven added.
Kathryn looked up. "I suppose. But I was so busy trying to keep it all together I barely had a moment to reflect on my own loss." She was quiet for a few moments, and Seven didn't interrupt. "I put on a brave face, but I was terrified." A wrinkle appeared between her brows. "I don't usually talk about this."
Seven tilted her head. "If it makes you uncomfortable, we can alter our topic of conversation." She waited, but Kathryn didn't make any indication either way. Her curiosity was intense, however; Kathryn rarely showed vulnerability, especially regarding command.
"I guess… I had no choice. To live as the Captain every moment, to always be the one to make the final call. My mother has often said that it was a job I was born for, but it… exhausted me." She glanced down at the floorboards beneath her feet, damp from the splashing waves. "I never told you this, but once in a blue moon, the idea of a hive mind seemed like a relief."
To hear Kathryn say those words, she knew the weight of command must have been the heaviest of burdens. "No decisions to be made," Seven said softly.
"Exactly. To move forward always with a purpose. The knowledge that you had a single duty to fulfill, on a road laid out for you by someone else. It had a certain twisted appeal, on my worst days." She shook her head. "I would never have given up my Captaincy. I certainly wouldn't have been able to report to Chakotay with a straight face." Seven chuckled, surprised at the dig. Kathryn sighed. "But a break would have been nice. Just a few hours, now and then."
"Do you miss it?"
"Being a captain?" Kathryn asked. Seven nodded once. "All the time. Be careful what you wish for, so the saying goes. I'm on a permanent break, now."
"You don't enjoy being an Admiral?"
Kathryn snorted. "It has its advantages. I can always get a table at the Officer's Club. Everyone knows my name."
"They would know it regardless," Seven interjected.
She shrugged. "Maybe. But…" Seven could see the hesitation in her eyes. "It's not really what I envisioned for myself. I thought I'd have my own ship for at least another ten or fifteen years. But after the briefings, I was so drained. And the brass wasn't exactly keen on letting me go back out in the field, you know."
"I didn't realize," Seven said, shocked.
"They needed me at home. The war had ended, the fleet decimated. We arrived just at the right moment. I was a supposed to be a hero, but I ended up a figurehead. A representation of the best Starfleet Captains--dedicated, motivated, tireless. But a figurehead doesn't do anything. It sits," Kathryn pointed to the ship's own wooden ornament, perched at the stern, "and watches while the world goes by."
Seven had never considered any of this. It felt like a physical blow to hear Kathryn describe it.
"So I have my office, and meetings, and I give speeches, to instruct or inspire." Kathryn continued. "I jog in the Presidio, around my ship that's a museum. Once in a while I go inside, when I'm feeling really terrible. Just to make myself feel a little worse."
"Kathryn," Seven said sharply.
"What, you're surprised?" she said. "They said I was a loose cannon. To them I'd spent seven years doing whatever the hell I wanted. How would I be able to handle reporting back to Starfleet again?" She threw her hands up in the air. "At least I wasn't arrested by the Relativity. Considering what the other Admiral Janeway did, I expected it to happen."
"The thought had occurred to me as well," Seven added, reflecting on their experiences on the time ship.
"What really got me," Kathryn said, sitting down once more next to Seven, "is that my psych profile came back clean. They recommended three months leave, followed by a new command. Voyager would have been decommissioned regardless. But something happened... I was never able to find out what."
"Are psychological profiles not confidential?"
Kathryn grinned knowingly. "I've been in Starfleet for almost thirty years, Seven. I have a lot of friends."
Seven took a deep breath. This information was... unsettling. She had always imagined the Captain as undefeatable, a warrior who would never, ever give up. "Why did you not fight for a new command?"
With a shrug, Kathryn replied, "My mother."
It was an unexpected answer. "Explain."
"We were gone a long time," she said, meeting Seven's eyes. "When I saw her, I almost didn't recognize her. She had aged. Dramatically." Kathryn's gaze grew distant. "It could have been a hundred years that I was missing. She was so frail. And Phoebe was a wreck. I've known her since the day she was born, and I can count on two hands how many times I'd seen her cry. Really sob, I mean. That first week we were home, she cried constantly."
"So you chose to remain on Earth to be near them."
Her lips curled into that half smile that Seven had missed. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Do you regret it?"
There was a long silence. "Depends on the day," she said finally.
"Perhaps you could... reconsider your decision," Seven offered.
"That ship has sailed, Seven. So to speak."
"Do not be so sure. I believe if you made an effort, you could easily regain the rank of Captain." Seven felt certain of it.
"I don't know. It's been a long time." She fell deep into thought, her hands clasped together. "Do you really think I could do it?"
Seven smiled. "Kathryn, I believe as your mother does: you were born to lead. You are a captain, no matter what your rank. I have met many other commanding officers in my time on Earth, and on Utopia Planetia, but not one has ever surpassed you. Your charisma, your sensitivity, your compassion, but above all, your unerring determination to do what is right and good is unparalleled. I believe that your crew, the crew of Voyager, would have followed you into hell if you'd asked."
Kathryn's eyes were wet. She cleared her throat. "I won't tell Jean-Luc you said that."
"He already knows how I feel. And he has heard the stories from many others besides me. The loyalty you inspired has been the envy of Starfleet. Did you know how many crewmembers signed up to serve under your command again after we came home?"
When Kathryn shook her head, Seven wondered why she'd never used her "insider status" to find out. "Eighty seven." At Kathryn's expression of disbelief, she continued. "Jean-Luc told me, in confidence of course." She gave a tiny smile. "The messages flooded in once the briefings concluded. And there were hundreds more from other starships who made similar requests for transfer. You had a waiting list longer than any other officer, but no roster to fill. I consider that a travesty, Captain. One that should be corrected."
The silence went on, and Seven watched Kathryn’s eyes. She didn’t expect an answer right then, but was pleased to have brought up the idea. Eventually Josiah interrupted, saying, “Ready to go ashore?”
Kathryn nodded absently; Seven followed her down to their quarters to pack a few things. Seven made sure to gather enough towels and sunscreen for the both of them, as well as snorkeling gear and the lunch items she’d set in stasis for later in the day. Kathryn seemed distracted, but before departing, she touched Seven’s arm. Seven turned to her, anticipating. But Kathryn couldn’t seem to find words, instead shaking her head and squeezing Seven’s wrist gently. She smiled, and walked out to the upper deck.
---
Part IV