(no subject)
Some of this is going to be personal/confessional type stuff - as opposed to stories/antedotes and news articles - so if this style of journaling/blogging makes you feel uncomfortable just skip over this one.
There's just some stuff on my mind that's been eating away at me for a lot longer than I feel comfortable admitting - leaving me feeling empty and hollow; and no longer qualifying as a human being. No one else is going to even have the capacity to relate or understand: It's pointless even mentioning it in any respect. I just thought perhaps, here, it might help me (although I honestly doubt it - you never stop having to live with things) feel better. If nothing else maybe I'll say something some of you feel/think or give you questions to ponder over. I'll put it under a cut because this might get a little long. Edit: Yeah it's long - very long.
I've been single for a very long time. There are many reasons for this. In every possible way from the voluntary to the involuntary I'm not an anti-conformist I AM anti-conformity incarnate. For years, I wore what I am as a badge of pride - until I realized this is why I'm alone. Being as I'm a humaniod creature (that is flesh and blood, walk upright, have opposable thumbs, and am capable of speech) - even though I'm a hermit/shut in - I have an uncontrolable desire to be social (as Aristotle wrote about in "Politics" where he says that in order to live alone one much be as a beast or a god - and I am neither) and find other's like myself (again as Aristotle said, but in his "Ethics" that Like is unto like - meaning in order to be friend, or lovers, you have to be the same kind of person; with the same kind of value/virtue system - none of this "opposites attract" bullshit that people believe in just because it was a catchy tune in the 80's thanks to Paula Abdule and Max the cartoon Cat).
I grew up into my adult years believing people when they'd talk about love saying they love the flaws and differences in their significant other - "faults and all" as some might say. Many of you are young - and yes even "in college" is still young, and extreamly idealistic - and don't realize the bullshit that's ahead of you. As I've gotten older peoples tolerance for "different" has become virtually non-existent. I'm sure those of you in your late twenties, thirities, and on don't even need this explained to you any further than that - you know from experience what I'm talking about and know most of these younger adults are going to find out the hard way - like we had to. Things like not wanting to have children, not sure if you want to get married, wanting "adventures" (traveling to see the world), drinking/partying, having "dreams", wanting to explore other sides of life (e.g. sexuality and trying new sexual things for fun or the experience), and even mental illnesses (depression, bi-polar, anxiety, boarderline-disorder, schizitypical disorder, trumatic stress disorders from saying being in a war or being raped) are all things, by the time your 25 - or out of college and in to the "real world" - are all phases that you are to be done and over with. They're unacceptable past that age in short. The vast majority do not want to deal with any of it.
Having little else to do with my time I'm something of an amature scholar. Since I don't have a degree in sociology or anthropology I consider myself a "culturalist" and study why and how people are what they are, as people. Recently, I've been listening to a series of lectures on the topic of Sexology. One of the lectures dealt with Gender Roles, and how gender is not the same as ones sex (what set of reproductive organs you're sporting for show), and that gender is a made up social construct to determine our behavior and thought patterns with regards to one another and situations. The person doing the lectures messed up once (so far I'm not finished with them) because the guy doing them is good about mentioning who or where quotes are coming from (the sources in short) but doesn't do so on one that really grabbed my attetion so I can't accurately quote it as a result. But, the quote mentioned a concept written about in the 1800's known as "the woman phase" a phase that all males go through before becoming men (when this was written). It mentions how at one time men are passionate and effected by things such as suffering, injustice, and inequalities; and that this is the "the woman phase" and once a man grows beyond these "weaknesses/sentimentalities" - to where such concepts and feelings are beneath him and have become irrelevent (or "reprioritizing")- only then is he considered a Man/Adult.
I think this dreadfully horrifying concept still exists today, only now it has the genderless title of being "mature", or "growing up". We have all sorts of stigmatizing language (or even the bingos) to degrade those who haven't grown beyond caring and just doing what everyone else is doing to keep things orderly. You're: emo, gay, stupid, cowardly, ignorant, co-dependent, immature, selfish, shameless, lacking self control, and childish. Espeically the last ones. You're an immature child if aren't shunning others for not trying to attain the "American Dream": 9-5 job, picture of perfect physical and mental health, two/three kids, house with a big safe yard - in a neighborhood where any undesirables don't live, one dog/one cat, and the white picket fence. Anything that wanders outside of this is subject to suspicion and cause for derision.
As I've said I've been single for a very long time. In fact I've had one girlfriend in the last 8 years who was a total psychopath, and only one woman friend who ever felt anything towards me. Prior to the last 8 years I had a girlfriend (in my teen years) who immediatly after breaking up with me got married and had a kid - basically showing how little I mattered to her. But it's the psycho ex and friend that rip at my soul. I loved them both more than I've ever loved anyone else before or since. The crazy ex I felt was the jack pot. She was incredibly intellegent, artistic, didn't want kids, and according to her was unable to reproduce (claiming a condition of her ovaries where they stopped working correctly - I'm having a brain fart on the medical conditions terminology). Well, that all turned out to be a lie. She left me for a man who once beat her with a bowling ball (no lie - the fact that she didn't press charges is the only reason why he's not behind bars) because he wanted to have kids so she jumped on that white horse and eventually had his child. She later told me it was because he could provide something I couldn't. This relationship ended 5 years ago and there's been no one since. Now with the friend (actually ex-friend now) when I met this girl she had no friends and was very shy. I took her under my wing and changed all that to where she could grow as a person on her own instead of remaining stagnant - which she did. But she was adamantly against having kids probably one of the most childfree people I ever met. It's been 7 years since and as friends we've been there for one another for everything. Now, she wants kids. Thing is she mentions this on her facebook and I'm like "What?" and of course I get shit for that from all her other "new" friends who I don't know from a hole in the wall. Just comment after comment of "I TOLD YOU!!!" ect...
I guess she's "matured/grown up". This has created a rift between us to where we can't speak to one another. 7 years of friendship down the toilet. This isn't the first time it's happened time and time again, but not with people so close to me. Between friends and ex-girlfriends I have, at 28 years old, I feel beaten - destroyed is more like it. Like a man fighting a war that's unwinable. I've come to the realization that I'm left with two choices. 1.) Be alone forever - irrelevent; not a person/second-class citizen. 2.) Betray everything I am and believe in and dismiss everything I've learned and condem it all just so I wont be alone anymore. These aren't options - they're terms of surrender, and the very thought breaks my heart and makes me feel degraded.
I've tried making new friends, tried finding a girlfriend, the older you get the more it doesn't happen - all ships sail. I've tried online dating. There's even a childfree dating site where (since I'm a hetrosexual male) there's only 70 women total across America, and ONE in my State, 5 in the surrounding states (who's last log in's suggest they've given up too). I'm looking at OKcupid as I write this looking at their "alternative lifestyles" forum section. Some examples of topics by titles/headlines listed being discussed include the following: When I Say I'm A Christian, Spanking, imagine a world without STDs -- what would you do differently?, Gagging is my obsession, Goth, Being Wiccan, Poly lifestyle, Gamers, Anime/Manga/Comic lovers, Hentai, Atheism, Swingers, and on and on. I'm in the 300's for the number of pages listed, and not ONE page where the topic of being childfree is even remotely mentioned.
My point is: I've lost hope and don't see the world as a place where there's any place for me to fit in, in person, anymore. I have to choose to be alone or give in and "grow up" surrendering any "dream" I might have that I wish to accomplish; because acceptance is not going to be found, and it pains me more than anyone outside this group can possibly begin to comprehend.
There's just some stuff on my mind that's been eating away at me for a lot longer than I feel comfortable admitting - leaving me feeling empty and hollow; and no longer qualifying as a human being. No one else is going to even have the capacity to relate or understand: It's pointless even mentioning it in any respect. I just thought perhaps, here, it might help me (although I honestly doubt it - you never stop having to live with things) feel better. If nothing else maybe I'll say something some of you feel/think or give you questions to ponder over. I'll put it under a cut because this might get a little long. Edit: Yeah it's long - very long.
I've been single for a very long time. There are many reasons for this. In every possible way from the voluntary to the involuntary I'm not an anti-conformist I AM anti-conformity incarnate. For years, I wore what I am as a badge of pride - until I realized this is why I'm alone. Being as I'm a humaniod creature (that is flesh and blood, walk upright, have opposable thumbs, and am capable of speech) - even though I'm a hermit/shut in - I have an uncontrolable desire to be social (as Aristotle wrote about in "Politics" where he says that in order to live alone one much be as a beast or a god - and I am neither) and find other's like myself (again as Aristotle said, but in his "Ethics" that Like is unto like - meaning in order to be friend, or lovers, you have to be the same kind of person; with the same kind of value/virtue system - none of this "opposites attract" bullshit that people believe in just because it was a catchy tune in the 80's thanks to Paula Abdule and Max the cartoon Cat).
I grew up into my adult years believing people when they'd talk about love saying they love the flaws and differences in their significant other - "faults and all" as some might say. Many of you are young - and yes even "in college" is still young, and extreamly idealistic - and don't realize the bullshit that's ahead of you. As I've gotten older peoples tolerance for "different" has become virtually non-existent. I'm sure those of you in your late twenties, thirities, and on don't even need this explained to you any further than that - you know from experience what I'm talking about and know most of these younger adults are going to find out the hard way - like we had to. Things like not wanting to have children, not sure if you want to get married, wanting "adventures" (traveling to see the world), drinking/partying, having "dreams", wanting to explore other sides of life (e.g. sexuality and trying new sexual things for fun or the experience), and even mental illnesses (depression, bi-polar, anxiety, boarderline-disorder, schizitypical disorder, trumatic stress disorders from saying being in a war or being raped) are all things, by the time your 25 - or out of college and in to the "real world" - are all phases that you are to be done and over with. They're unacceptable past that age in short. The vast majority do not want to deal with any of it.
Having little else to do with my time I'm something of an amature scholar. Since I don't have a degree in sociology or anthropology I consider myself a "culturalist" and study why and how people are what they are, as people. Recently, I've been listening to a series of lectures on the topic of Sexology. One of the lectures dealt with Gender Roles, and how gender is not the same as ones sex (what set of reproductive organs you're sporting for show), and that gender is a made up social construct to determine our behavior and thought patterns with regards to one another and situations. The person doing the lectures messed up once (so far I'm not finished with them) because the guy doing them is good about mentioning who or where quotes are coming from (the sources in short) but doesn't do so on one that really grabbed my attetion so I can't accurately quote it as a result. But, the quote mentioned a concept written about in the 1800's known as "the woman phase" a phase that all males go through before becoming men (when this was written). It mentions how at one time men are passionate and effected by things such as suffering, injustice, and inequalities; and that this is the "the woman phase" and once a man grows beyond these "weaknesses/sentimentalities" - to where such concepts and feelings are beneath him and have become irrelevent (or "reprioritizing")- only then is he considered a Man/Adult.
I think this dreadfully horrifying concept still exists today, only now it has the genderless title of being "mature", or "growing up". We have all sorts of stigmatizing language (or even the bingos) to degrade those who haven't grown beyond caring and just doing what everyone else is doing to keep things orderly. You're: emo, gay, stupid, cowardly, ignorant, co-dependent, immature, selfish, shameless, lacking self control, and childish. Espeically the last ones. You're an immature child if aren't shunning others for not trying to attain the "American Dream": 9-5 job, picture of perfect physical and mental health, two/three kids, house with a big safe yard - in a neighborhood where any undesirables don't live, one dog/one cat, and the white picket fence. Anything that wanders outside of this is subject to suspicion and cause for derision.
As I've said I've been single for a very long time. In fact I've had one girlfriend in the last 8 years who was a total psychopath, and only one woman friend who ever felt anything towards me. Prior to the last 8 years I had a girlfriend (in my teen years) who immediatly after breaking up with me got married and had a kid - basically showing how little I mattered to her. But it's the psycho ex and friend that rip at my soul. I loved them both more than I've ever loved anyone else before or since. The crazy ex I felt was the jack pot. She was incredibly intellegent, artistic, didn't want kids, and according to her was unable to reproduce (claiming a condition of her ovaries where they stopped working correctly - I'm having a brain fart on the medical conditions terminology). Well, that all turned out to be a lie. She left me for a man who once beat her with a bowling ball (no lie - the fact that she didn't press charges is the only reason why he's not behind bars) because he wanted to have kids so she jumped on that white horse and eventually had his child. She later told me it was because he could provide something I couldn't. This relationship ended 5 years ago and there's been no one since. Now with the friend (actually ex-friend now) when I met this girl she had no friends and was very shy. I took her under my wing and changed all that to where she could grow as a person on her own instead of remaining stagnant - which she did. But she was adamantly against having kids probably one of the most childfree people I ever met. It's been 7 years since and as friends we've been there for one another for everything. Now, she wants kids. Thing is she mentions this on her facebook and I'm like "What?" and of course I get shit for that from all her other "new" friends who I don't know from a hole in the wall. Just comment after comment of "I TOLD YOU!!!" ect...
I guess she's "matured/grown up". This has created a rift between us to where we can't speak to one another. 7 years of friendship down the toilet. This isn't the first time it's happened time and time again, but not with people so close to me. Between friends and ex-girlfriends I have, at 28 years old, I feel beaten - destroyed is more like it. Like a man fighting a war that's unwinable. I've come to the realization that I'm left with two choices. 1.) Be alone forever - irrelevent; not a person/second-class citizen. 2.) Betray everything I am and believe in and dismiss everything I've learned and condem it all just so I wont be alone anymore. These aren't options - they're terms of surrender, and the very thought breaks my heart and makes me feel degraded.
I've tried making new friends, tried finding a girlfriend, the older you get the more it doesn't happen - all ships sail. I've tried online dating. There's even a childfree dating site where (since I'm a hetrosexual male) there's only 70 women total across America, and ONE in my State, 5 in the surrounding states (who's last log in's suggest they've given up too). I'm looking at OKcupid as I write this looking at their "alternative lifestyles" forum section. Some examples of topics by titles/headlines listed being discussed include the following: When I Say I'm A Christian, Spanking, imagine a world without STDs -- what would you do differently?, Gagging is my obsession, Goth, Being Wiccan, Poly lifestyle, Gamers, Anime/Manga/Comic lovers, Hentai, Atheism, Swingers, and on and on. I'm in the 300's for the number of pages listed, and not ONE page where the topic of being childfree is even remotely mentioned.
My point is: I've lost hope and don't see the world as a place where there's any place for me to fit in, in person, anymore. I have to choose to be alone or give in and "grow up" surrendering any "dream" I might have that I wish to accomplish; because acceptance is not going to be found, and it pains me more than anyone outside this group can possibly begin to comprehend.