Fic: Broken Chains 5/?
Title: Broken chains Part 5/?
Author: chickinwhite
Pairing: Kahlan/Cara
Rating: PG 17
Word account: ~6100
Summary: This adventure starts a good time after tears. It is about old scars and new bonds,
about friends and foes, about confidence and betraying,
Disclaimer: Nothing of LotS belongs to me (such a pity!) - no business, just fan-fun
AN: This chapter is my favorite so far. Because the scene was the first that flashed through my mind when I was thinking about the story, long months ago... :) Maybe, it was the main reason I started writing it at last. Well, I did not know then, that it would increase into such a long chapter... *sheepish eyes* But, if at last it will transfer just the half of intensity I intended to put inside, I will be a very happy girl.
AN2: No need to tell that there is a not so small amount of angst waiting for you.
Part 1; Part 2; Part 3 Part 4
Kahlan rode in surprisingly comforting silence with the Mord Sith. Zedd sat on a ponderous brown gelding, which shuffled unhurriedly far behind them, trotting a few steps every now and then, before losing contact, but then slowing down again, and whenever she turned to look out for him he grinned and seemed to be content with it.
So it was the Mother Confessor and the Mord Sith who leaded their small troop. Cara was mostly a few steps ahead, surveying their surroundings suspiciously, but Kahlan could feel how her attention turned towards her secretly whenever she made a sound. She smiled amused, comparing the blondes stiffening shoulders with the swiveling ears of her horse, which reacted all the same. It was bonny, how she held the tension for a few heartbeats before she allowed her muscles to relax again. Kahlan´s eyes were confined to the sight, the playful change of pliant moves in harmony with the horse’s rhythm and the sudden tightening of muscles and straightening shoulders when her attention went behind. She found herself provoking their attention by small noises, a sudden gasp for air now or harrumphing then, just to watch the blonde straightening and listening behind with slightly tilted head. Kahlan felt weirdly content to see that she still had some kind of power to evoke some reactions of the blonde. Occasionally she pressed her teeth into her lower lip to suppress a chuckle. She knew it was a sappy joy, but it was a joy anyway.
It did not take long until Cara huffed lowly, finally realizing the Confessor played a game, and reined her horse to wait for her to catch up. She did not turn to face her, but her pursed lips had an annoyed shape when Kahlan came alongside. The brunette shifted her eyes, barely suppressing a shy smile. But then she lifted an eyebrow, pointing to the horses.
“Seems they get used to each other…” Their first spoken words in hours had the blonde look slightly irritated, but indeed, the shining black neck of Cara´s horse kept relaxed as Shadow swiftly rubbed his cheek against his new companion as a welcome. Cara frowned halfheartedly , murmured a low “traitor!” but she let the reins hang lose, allowing the black beauty to answer with a playful jostle. She considered a moment to feel a sting of envy at how easy it was for the beasts to arrange with the new situation. As for her, she was far from feeling comfortable.
Four days had already passed since their departure from Aydindril. On the first day they had quickly found a reasonable order to ride: Kahlan took the lead, for she knew best the road to D´Hara, Zedd kept in the middle, and Cara rode behind, content to have both of them in sight and making sure to be able to react to any threat from wherever it should appear. The Mord Sith had felt relieved, for she was not forced to the side of the Mother Confessor, not knowing how she would deal with such closeness. Though she so longed for, but feared the holes it would slowly cause in her meticulously build defenses, like steady water eroded its coastline. ..
Leaving Aydindril she had been the first who mounted. Zedd had given Dennee a short and strangely tense hug, taking her best wishes for his journey before mounting his horse. Cara had the strongest impression, that even she was treated with much more heart by the old wizard then Dennee. Not that it was of any importance, but a soupcon of gratification had crossed her face anyway.
Kahlan had embraced her sister heartily. The Mord Sith had not heard the words been spoken between them, but she had caught the short glance Kahlan shot secretly towards her before she gave Dennee a reassuring smile and a peck on her cheek, turning finally around and mounting elegantly.
Cara and Dennee had changed a long, disgusting glare while the others were already heading out of the palace. A glare that warned of vicious consequences should the other get in her way.
They had started in a distant and tense mood; their first stop was spent in strained silence. Only Zedd had tried to do some conversation but had given up his attempt when none of his companions answered his babbling. With nightfall Cara had left their camp for hunting; and when she came back, she found the Mother Confessor asleep. She had taken watch from Zedd. But when her time was up she did not wake Kahlan. Instead she spent the whole night sitting on a log, content with watching her sleeping in pondering silence.
The moment, when the brunette´s eyes had finally snapped open, just a candle mark before sunrise, had caught her smiling with warmth that had no trouble to outplay the resting glow of the small fire. There had been a sudden wave of heat rising briefly in Kahlan´s chest, pink spreading over her cheeks, but before she managed to smile back, Cara had swiftly changed her features into her Mord Sith mask and stood. A hoarse “Watch is yours!” was all she said before lying down on the other side of the small fire and pretending to fall asleep in an instant. Though she didn´t. The pounding beat of her heart in her ears detained her. That, and the burning anger, being caught in such silly embarrassment...
The next morning had been only a little easier; Zedd was back to communication and this time he found Kahlan gave in, answering at least a few of his silly questions, even taking his offered jests as an opportunity to grace the world with the bright beauty of her smile; Cara noticed. And she noticed the brunette glared at her from the corner of her eyes, shyly, though her gaze didn´t linger. She bit her cheek every time she felt her eyes, fighting back the need to look back, fearing to lose herself in the abyss of their blue.
The familiar routine of their journey had slowly leaded to a faint ease between them, though. The evening of the second day found Zedd sitting at the fire, smiling a happy smile as he watched the two of them talking; well, at least as much as a Mord Sith talked, a few short sentences here and there. He did not listen, but he felt the calm that ever so slowly started to supersede the strain. They were well on their way; there was no need to be worried about their journey after he would leave them...
But Cara was worried. She had spent good parts of the days pondering on what she had snapped up while eavesdropping on Dennee´s meeting. She felt peculiar angry with herself, being unable to name what had lain beneath the words she had heard. Something bothered her, but it kept out of her reach. The whole situation had been weird.
Cara knew how the brain of soldiers worked. They were used to receive their orders and do what had to be done. They weren’t supposed to ask questions. The three Dennee had met were all the same.
But, beyond being loyal and accepting their task, there had lain something alien in their reaction. And Cara twisted her brain to get what it was. The men had not simply assumed their orders, they had ... inhaled them, burning to take them, eagerly waiting for getting started; they had been dogs, scratching at the door to finally get out. She had not seen their faces, only Dennee´s, as she had peeked on them, but their stiffened postures and their hoarse voices had told her enough.
And what on earth meant Dennee´s strict instructions relating to Cara?
While hearing Dennee mentioning her, the Mord Sith had half expected that the Confessor would commission the men to attack her, to put her away secretly while Kahlan would be distracted in Comorra. She had assumed that Kahlan´s sister would offer some false pretenses to allow the men to assassinate her while she slept... Anything!
But instead she was surprised to hear Dennee´s explicit instruction that she, the Mord Sith, had to be taken care of! By all means! However their quest in Comorra would develop, they would stand with their lives that Cara would return to Aydindril.
The words rolled zigzag through her mind, but as hard as she tried to figure it out, it did not make any sense. Dennee might be all sorts of things, but she was certainly not her friend! The tiny hairs on her neck rose, sensing the threat that lay in front of her. Cara smelled a rat when there was one.
There was something damned fishy about it.
*******
When the first shadows of the upcoming night flowed over their little camp on their fourth evening, they had settled into an almost familiar association, Zedd prepared their dinner and Cara and Kahlan went together to pick some more firewood. The wizard´s eyes followed them until they vanished in the tree lines. He sighed contently. At least, Richard´s decision to bring Cara to Aydindril had been right. Since Kahlan tolerated her near presence the emotional crusts that wrapped the Mother Confessor so tightly slowly started to soften; her features had already brightened a few times, when her smiles had reached her eyes; a beautiful sight, which Zedd had already feared he would never enjoy again. And Cara´s blossoming sarcasm showed him, that she became more and more self- reliant around the Confessor. Her presence was as refreshing as he ever remembered. Perhaps there was hope. There was a good chance, Kahlan would return from her quest in Comorra with much more energy, much more power then she had owned in the past years.
Zedd grinned mischievously. Dennee would not be pleased. A stronger Kahlan surely meant much less influence for her little sister. Less power over her. Maybe, Kahlan would finally free herself from the viper´s voice, who always attempted to poison the Mother Confessor´s mind, to hold her down.
The wizard blew a chirpy whistle while rummaging through his pack.
********
The two women walked quietly between the trees, Cara had a few large wooden pieces in her arms, when Kahlan suddenly stopped her, a hand gripping her elbow, a finger crossing her lips to demand silence, tugging Cara to hunker down. The blonde was much too surprised by the unexpected touch, her eyes pinned to the hand on her arm, to question the Confessor.
When Kahlan realized her stiffened, almost fending motion, she turned, glancing at her with beaming eyes, filled with pure joy, and pointed ahead.
There, between the bushes, Cara saw a romp of a big flurry ball, rolling through the dust as if moved by ghost hands. There was a low hissing and a sudden squeak. The spitting ball divided and separated into two chubby cubs of some kind of a very huge cat. Their thick fur was an almost yellow brown, speckled in black and dark-brown, looking incredibly fluffy and cuddly. A mask, bounteously drawn around their eyes, as well as their clumsy little paws dipped into a shimmering black. They tussled, competing passionately; one mewed and tried a roar while scratching at the others neck, then caught its brother´s ear and chewed on it with oblivious dedication. Its little prey hissed and scratched, before a loud and angry meow was heard as it suddenly rocketed high in attempt to dodge a tiny paw. It bared its tiny little teeth in an attempt to look intimidating; but in the next heartbeat it watched passionately the twitching tail of the other, stalking it and finally jumped on it with all four legs...
Their play was droll, their lumbering banter a living picture of cuteness. Like all cubs, all over the world, they were lost to the world while playing. They were just captivating...
Kahlan was captivating!
Cara found herself staring mesmerized at the brunette, who chuckled voiceless, her brilliant blue gaze fixed on the cubs, pure bliss shining on her face. Her lips had slightly parted, curled into a permanent wide smile, her teeth shimmering as she pressed them slightly on her lower lip; tiny wrinkles in the corner of her eyes twitched with her silent chuckles. Her hand, that had moved to tug some lose hair behind her ear had stopped, her fingers absently caressing her own earlobe.
The Mord Sith felt hypnotized. A heated wave started to whirl in her chest. The little hairs on her arms rose in a chill. There was no way to avert her stare from the sight. And when Kahlan´s eyes widened suddenly and she tightened the grip of her hand on Cara´s arm in excitement, Cara barely noticed the giant elegant cat that appeared out of the bushes, purring loudly, greeting her cubs with a few soft licks. Then it stood motionless, a savage diva, while the cubs jostled hastily under her belly to feed on her teats. A low snarl came from their mother as she proved the air, trying to get the winds that flew along. Finally listening suspiciously to the flowing breeze in the air the cat meowed loudly and left unhurriedly in natural, majestic grace. Hastily followed by two vivid bouncing furry balls.
Kahlan waited until they were far out of sight and then stood slowly, her happy chuckle grew loud and she leaned against a tree, gasping for air. Her entire features glowed with rapturousness as she tugged Cara to her feet. The blonde had let lose her grip on the gathered wood and it thudded to the ground. For a moment she just stood, her eyes round and glowing a dark green, her gaze still pinned to the clear blue pools in that beautiful face.
All in a sudden Kahlan felt her heart pounding heavily somewhere in her throat as these incredible green eyes pierced her, mesmerized her. She felt as though her gaze was trapped in their depths; as though air went thick, too thick to breathe. She didn´t realize her move, but the next she felt were Cara´s lips on her own, hard, burning with an aggressive hunger; mixed with an almost possessive anger. A sudden untamed instinct welled up in her and answered fiercely without fail, pressing against these full lips; a wild and savage reaction. Her mouth shot open, letting a throaty growl escape her when a hot tongue entered eagerly, sweeping over the edge of her teeth, claiming her mouth imperiously. Kahlan´s entire body felt as if set aflame.
It held only a second.
Then, closing her eyes, a sudden flash of panic shot through her veins, swept along with the hurt of long denied emotions; the gash in her soul, which had never really healed, dehisced and instantly started bleeding painfully.
Gasping for air she freed herself from Cara´s grip and pushed her roughly back, reaching out and setting a swift, biting slap in the blonde´s face. Staring breathless and wide-eyed, feeling tears welling up and drudgingly fighting them back. Stunned by how naughty Cara was. Stunned by how fraudulent her own body reacted, flouting the knowledge that lay buried inside. The knowledge, that agonizing sorrow and hurt and - in the end - deadly hollow emptiness came from allowing her heart that kind of fever.
Her face had gotten pale; cheeks had lost the faintest hint of color; her eyes were narrowed under deeply knitted brows. All she heard was her own blood, roaring in her ears like muffled war drums.
Cara stood frozen, her features set into a stony mask; only the emerald green that burned from her narrowed eyes betrayed her own shock. She had not planned to kiss the Mother Confessor. It... had happened; her attack had been far beyond her control. And seeing Kahlan, seeing how her look changed from sheer horror into a biting ice cold blue that seared into her own eyes, she realized that she had made an unforgivable mistake; out of the weakness of an uncontrolled moment. She almost winced when Kahlan stepped closer and leaned in until Cara could feel her breath tingle over her skin in a hot wave. The Confessor´s barely audible voice scratched painfully along her cheek, crawling into her ear like acid.
“NEVER. DARE.TOUCH ME.AGAIN! YOU!” Cara felt wetness sweeping over her skin when Kahlan shook her head ever so slightly. “you have no right!”
Closing her eyes, the Mord Sith bit her cheek until the bitter metallic flavor of her own blood graced her tongue, grounding on the smallest pain she could get. Only a moment later she more sensed than heard the Confessor turns and flees.
Cara stood statuesque, her eyes closed, her chest barely heaving with the effort to control her breath, small muscles in her cheeks working hectically. A few heartbeats later her legs started to run.
*******
Zedd sat alone on a log beside the fire, staring into the flames with his sad pale eyes. He seemed to be taken aback when he saw her returning to their fire place, trembling and troubled as she was; first he wanted to speak to her, but noticing her wrecked mood and following the harsh gesture of her hands to stop his speech he quickly gave up his attempts. Instead his shoulders sacked and his concern gave way to sorrow as he respectfully gave her the space she obviously needed.
She took her bedroll and arranged it in a distance with shaky hands. Her barely controlled features distorted as soon as she lay down. She bit her lip, trying to center herself. Kahlan stared into the darkness for a small eternity, her breath was heavy, her eyes settled on the flickering shadows that danced their taunting dance over the forests edge; but her look went inside her mind, searching for something to hold on; anything at all. It was a futile attempt. There was nothing but dark vacuity awaiting her. After a while she shut her eyes and decidedly began struggling for sleep. All she wanted was to escape her troubled thoughts; the heavy chain that tightened her chest. But hard as she tried, pressing her lids close, searching calmness in the darkness behind them, she found herself unable to stop trembling; Peace lay far out of her reach. Green eyes were haunting her; lips, violently pressed on her own, were drawing constant pain through her veins. Burning like fire in her guts; leaving a small trace of ashes on her soul. And a small trace of tears on her cheeks.
Some candle marks must have passed, before she finally heard Zedd settling for sleep. She knew it meant he had given watch to the Mord Sith.
Cara was back!
The thought alone was enough to flood her eyes. To let tears quill from under her lashes, hidden sobs break her breath. She felt her entire body quivering and was sheer unable to stop it.
For weeks now Kahlan had put much effort into keeping her countenance. Had restrained her emotions and focused on politeness and manners.
But today... Cara´s touch...
The aggression she had put into something that could have been meant as a kiss...
It had been too much. Her walls had tumbled down. And there was no strength left to rebuild them.
Kahlan became bitterly aware that she would never find any peace if she would not finally ask the question that had been torturing her during the last years. She had. to know....
She rose slowly, wiping her cheeks dry, swallowed a last sob and searched through the night for the blonde, finding her cowering on a log on the far side of their small camp, barely visible if not for the shimmering moonlight on her silky blond mane.
The Mord Sith sat quietly, her tense back to the fire, and stared into the near treetops. Mad thoughts whispered through her mind, feelings of shame and fury raging equally inside her. All she could think of was the expression on Kahlan’s face; an expression that could only be named as blank horror. Horror she had caused. Because she had lost control; had gone too far...
Cara slowly lifted her hand to palm her cheek, frowning; gritting her teeth; still feeling the trenchant echo of Kahlan´s impetuous stroke.
The Mother Confessor hated her. So much was clear.
Never before, not even in their first days, when she had wrapped her hand around her throat in that cave, promising to kill her if she would trick her, never had her voice sounded as cold and hollow as it had sounded today.
“Never. Dare. Touch me. Again!...”
Cara´s eyes burnt dryly. Her lungs had barely enough space to breathe.
She had run. Just run; trying to get her mind clear; resolved to leave Kahlan behind...
It had not worked.
It never worked.
Finally she had returned, once again surrendering to the familiar pain inside her belly. A pain that had never left her since the day she had been sent away on that morning two years ago...
In the moment she heard a twig breaking somewhere to her left, her eyes flickered instinctively over the tempting darkness to her right, as if searching for an escape. She did not feel prepared for talking... It would make no sense anyway. Her hands reached for her agiels, appreciating the stinging pain that shot up her arms immediately, clinging to its force.
Deep lines started to crinkle her forehead.
She would not apologize!
It had always been Kahlan who had expected her to be honest. To embrace her emotions, instead of denying them. It was not her fault that she... felt... something. And it was not her fault that this... something... was strong enough to break straight through her walls into her petrified Mord Sith heart.
It had been her perdition two years ago.
And probably it would be her perdition now.
The Mord Sith expelled a small puff of air and dropped her head. Kahlan would send her away. Like she had done before. She would be denied to be near her, to protect her. Again
Cara bit her cheek and shut her eyes for a heartbeat, steeling herself for what she knew was about to come; and waited.
Time passed by, minutes stretched agonizingly, but nothing happened. Finally the blonde huffed and turned her head. Her gaze travelled slowly from the ground to her feet to the figure that stood there, leaning, no, pressing close against a tree as if her slender form tried to conflate with the dark, rough bark. Her face looked paler then the moon itself, framed by a halo of glorious tousled hair, marked by traces of tears which had left her eyes shadowed with faint scarlet.
Cara clenched her jaw and put all her anger and defiance into her glare as their eyes locked. Still the brunette did not move nor say anything; Just stared at her like a hurt deer, beforehand blaming the predator for its near death.
Her lips almost not stirred, her voice coming in a husky whisper when she finally spoke, but it reached the blonde´s ear like if she had yelled at her. “Why, Cara?”
She watched how Cara tilted her head, frowning deeply. Her irate, sea green gaze telling that the blonde did not understand her question. Kahlan bit her lip and swallowed, then tried again.
“Why? Why did you abandon me? Why had you to hurt me the way you did, Cara? …What happened?
If getting Richard was all you wanted, you should have found other ways. It was not necessary to break my heart to gain his.
I trusted you, Cara! Despite everything I was taught in my life. Despite everything I believed in. I was ready to give it all up... for you. Can you imagine what that meant for me?” Her voice cracked.The Confessor huffed desperately.
“But you decided to use me for your own goals. I think I at least deserve an answer, Cara. Tell me. Why?...” Kahlan´s cheeks were glistening; her eyes nothing but a dark blue plea.
Cara´s entire posture mirrored her lack of understanding. She shook her head, stunned by the words and already furious for the reproaches swaying with them. Her words came as a suspicious snarl over her lips.
“What are you speaking about, Confessor? I have never used you. No,” she growled, “I was foolish enough to think of you as a... friend.” She almost spit the word.
“So did I. And so much more, Cara!” Kahlan´s words dripped with bitterness. Her eyes never left the confused features of the Mord Sith. She stared at her a few heartbeats long, trying to restrain her voice before she blurted “But it was you who left me. Who broke my heart when you rode out of Aydindril without so much as a last glance…”
The blonde eyed her intensely, forehead still wrinkled distrustfully, her lips pressed into a thin line; fighting for words that didn´t come to her. Finally she dropped her gaze, blonde strands covering her face as her crumbly voice stumbled over her lips.
“I... couldn´t. If I would have looked back... I would have lost the strength to obey you.”
“To obey me?” Kahlan almost screamed, staring at her in disbelieve.
“You had sent me away, Confessor. You had ordered me to leave; You had made your decision, and I was in your way. Your way to be with Richard. Like you had always desired.
You were just a spoiled brat, tossing its toy away…”
Her voice went lost as she turned and looked at the Confessor with narrowed eyes, hurt and bitterness shimmering faintly in her gaze.
“Spirits, what...? I don´t understand.” Kahlan had puffed off the tree and looked down on her, searching in her eyes for the meaning of her words, frowning deeply; the blonde stood and straightened to meet her gaze at eyelevel, lifting a defiant brow.
“You accuse me that I have simply abandoned you, Confessor? You should know it better! I never would! At last it was you who banished me from your life!”
The Confessor knew she was unable to read a Mord Sith against her will. But this one time she would have given half the world to see through the Mord Sith´s walls, to tell if she was playing a cruel game again…
They stood for what felt like an eternity, both their bodies tensed, assessing each other warily; like fighters, waiting for an opening to attack.
Each of them thinking of scars that had been left; of bleeding wounds;
Touches, used to burn with passion.
Whispered confessions in dark blue nights... Long proved to be lies.
At last Kahlan shook her head and huffed to break the silence that had quickly built up into a tremendous wall. She turned away and stared into the night’s darkness, folding her arms, trying to hide her pain behind her Confessor mask. Her voice had taken a controlled, chilled tone.
“Stop playing games, Cara. I remember too well our arrival to Aydindril. I was going to speak with Richard. To tell him, that I could not take him as my mate. That my heart - and my life - was yours. I was prepared for his anger and his fury, the thought of it had caused nightmares, you knew that; it had pressed me more and more during our journey to Aydindril.... I only felt strong enough because I knew you by my side. And then, before I could do so, he told me that you were going to leave...
I was stunned, Cara. I did not want to believe it. But when I came down to the courtyard, you already mounted your horse and galloped away. You did not even say good bye!...
I was not even worth to get a last glance back…”
Her voice sounded as hollow as the inanition in her chest felt.
While following her words with a dark frown on her face, ever so slowly the blonde´s expression changed from defiance to anger and finally into confusion; her eyes became glowing with upwelling heat; a spark of comprehension tiptoed into her mind. She focused on the near shadow of a black tree when she asked hoarsely.
“What did he tell you?”
Kahlan shot her a side-glance, quickly turning away again when she felt Cara going to turn towards her, trying to meet her gaze.
“The whole and nasty truth. Which you obviously, had not the guts to tell me yourself. He told me that you always wanted him. He told me of the times you had tried to seduce him during our journey ever since you were gone with him to the future. And failed. That you had already told him about us. And that you had only been playing games.” The words dropped from her lips as a spat. “To show him that I was easily willing to betray him, that I was not good for him.” She gave a short, bitter laugh. “You were right there at least. I was not good for him...” She dropped her eyes to the ground. “And when you had to realize that he would not follow you, that you had lost your own game, you´ve run away... Probably without wasting a single thought to what you had done to me.” She gritted her teeth, fighting back a sob that threatened to break the silence that followed her words. A lonely tear marked her pale skin but Kahlan did not move to wipe it away, did not want to show how much it hurt. She heard the blonde inhaling deeply a few times and finally turned to face her.
Cara stood with closed eyes, her entire body tight; the familiar small muscles in her cheeks tensing in a frenzy rhythm. When she opened her eyes, her gaze was hard, as were her words when she lowly stated: “And you believed him.”
Kahlan stared at her, frowning, “What else could have made you leave without a word, if not such a madness...” she snapped.
Cara turned to look at her. Her eyes softened a little, something approaching to regret swept along with her gaze, travelling slowly, almost tenderly, over her face, following the small trail the tear had drawn, focusing finally on her eyes and sinking deep into the clouded blue she found there. For a moment she chewed on her words. Finally whispering, almost reluctantly:
“He lied.”
Kahlan froze. Her eyes pierced the blonde with icy brilliance. She felt her thoughts slowing down to an almost immeasurable viscous flow. It took an eternity for the meaning of the words to settle in her mind. And all she could offer was a whispered “you are insane!”
Cara only eyed her. A gaze of grudging certitude that scratched at her long kempt bitterness, trying to tear the bricks out of her walls, slowly causing first small gaps. Kahlan gasped slightly. Denying the port where her thoughts wanted to anchor. She straightened defiantly, growling a disgusting answer.
“I am a Confessor. He could not lie to me...”
Cara´s shoulders had sacked, but her face was a stony mask.
“I don´t know how, but he tricked you.” She locked with Kahlan´s eyes as she added “as he tricked me.”
The piercing blue of the brunettes gaze pinned her to the spot, the beautiful frame a tight statue, waiting, almost frightened, for her next words. Cara bit her lip, then turned and addressed the nearest tree with her words.
“He came to me shortly after our arrival. He was compassionate. Regretful. He wanted to talk to me. He said, you had told him about us. He said, you had confessed him that you wanted to know how it feels with a woman. And that you were sorry for that. That it did not mean anything to you. That your heart belonged to him; And that your love for him had never faltered. He said you had asked him to send me away. Because you were ashamed and would not be able to bear it if you had to tell me yourself.
He had a message prepared for the People´s Palace, declaring me to be his deputy and had my horse waiting for me, already packed with supplies for the way. He said if I would feel anything for you, if only the smallest kind of respect, I should go immediately...And that he felt so sorry! But that he had to order me to leave, for you...
He was almost eager to get rid of me...” Her voice was expressionless, her jaw set. It was not up to her to judge her Lord Rahl.
Kahlan had followed her words motionless. She had forgotten how to breathe and only noticed it when her lungs eventually protested burningly. Now she gasped for air, a sudden nausea threatened to smash her down and she backed off to a tree, leaning heavily against it. Memories rotated in opposite directions, her world faded away, and slowly she sank down to the ground, crouching there, staring at the ground while trying to catch her thoughts. Her brain refused the comprehension. She shook her head, whispering “this can´t be true...”
Cara did not stir. She watched how Kahlan swallowed and finally shifted her eyes to meet her gaze, rising to her feet. And she impulsively gave what no one else would ever receive: she opened her mind widely and allowed the Confessor to look inside, to look into her deepest hiding places, let her see behind her walls and find the truth there.
The brunette´s glare went lost into her own eyes for a few, endless heartbeats, a frown build up on her face and deepened, her long hair shimmered as if catching the moon light as it swayed slightly in the nights breeze as she eventually shook her head. Then she suddenly snapped for air and the creepy sound of an endless stretched painful moan filled the air. Her wide eyes stared in a dark midnight blue at Cara for one more heartbeat and then suddenly she turned around, storming back to the fireside, dropping beside a blissfully snoring Zedd to galvanize him fiercely.
“Zedd! ... Wake up! ... Zedd!” The wizard snorted disturbed, slowly coming around. Opening his eyes he found himself grabbed by two strong hands and faced by burning blue diamonds, piercing his own eyes furiously. He needed a moment to realize it was Kahlan who shook him mightily.
“Did you know it, Wizard?” She almost yelled at him, agitating him again violently. “Did you know it??” When the answer was nothing but a confused frown, he heard her screaming as her hand shot from his clothes straight to his throat.
“Answer me!” She shouted enraged, her eyes growing dark, her hand wrapping firmly around his puckered neck.
For a moment he was stunned at her aggression, could not find the strength to move. A flash of trepidation claimed his mind.
“Kahlan!” Cara´s voice cut the air, her fist wiped the threat away from Zedd´s throat, catching the Confessor´s hand in a firm grip. She held her tight against her fierce resistance, did not let her go, forced her to stand and tugged her away from the wizard. Her strong gaze stood Kahlan´s wrath until she sensed her calming down. Only then she loosened her grip, let the Confessor rip her hand free with an angry rough yank, huffing loudly, while the blonde turned and eyed Zedd briefly. He sat upright, agape, his eyes wide in shock.
“You okay, wizard?”
He nodded slowly, croaking: “Thank you, Cara! That was a close thing...”
His gaze searched for Kahlan, who had sacked at the still slightly smoldering fire, her eyes shut, a mixture of fury and despair painting her features. He saw how she clenched her hands into fists, saw her knuckles shining white, and he looked bemused up to Cara.
“Spirits, what have you done to her? And what did she mean, did I know it? Did I know what???”
Cara never took her eyes off Kahlan, watching her warily. Her hands were wrapped firmly around her agiels.
“Get up, wizard. Night is over. I bet she has a lot of questions...”
**********
t.b.c.
on to part 6
Author: chickinwhite
Pairing: Kahlan/Cara
Rating: PG 17
Word account: ~6100
Summary: This adventure starts a good time after tears. It is about old scars and new bonds,
about friends and foes, about confidence and betraying,
Disclaimer: Nothing of LotS belongs to me (such a pity!) - no business, just fan-fun
AN: This chapter is my favorite so far. Because the scene was the first that flashed through my mind when I was thinking about the story, long months ago... :) Maybe, it was the main reason I started writing it at last. Well, I did not know then, that it would increase into such a long chapter... *sheepish eyes* But, if at last it will transfer just the half of intensity I intended to put inside, I will be a very happy girl.
AN2: No need to tell that there is a not so small amount of angst waiting for you.
Part 1; Part 2; Part 3 Part 4
Kahlan rode in surprisingly comforting silence with the Mord Sith. Zedd sat on a ponderous brown gelding, which shuffled unhurriedly far behind them, trotting a few steps every now and then, before losing contact, but then slowing down again, and whenever she turned to look out for him he grinned and seemed to be content with it.
So it was the Mother Confessor and the Mord Sith who leaded their small troop. Cara was mostly a few steps ahead, surveying their surroundings suspiciously, but Kahlan could feel how her attention turned towards her secretly whenever she made a sound. She smiled amused, comparing the blondes stiffening shoulders with the swiveling ears of her horse, which reacted all the same. It was bonny, how she held the tension for a few heartbeats before she allowed her muscles to relax again. Kahlan´s eyes were confined to the sight, the playful change of pliant moves in harmony with the horse’s rhythm and the sudden tightening of muscles and straightening shoulders when her attention went behind. She found herself provoking their attention by small noises, a sudden gasp for air now or harrumphing then, just to watch the blonde straightening and listening behind with slightly tilted head. Kahlan felt weirdly content to see that she still had some kind of power to evoke some reactions of the blonde. Occasionally she pressed her teeth into her lower lip to suppress a chuckle. She knew it was a sappy joy, but it was a joy anyway.
It did not take long until Cara huffed lowly, finally realizing the Confessor played a game, and reined her horse to wait for her to catch up. She did not turn to face her, but her pursed lips had an annoyed shape when Kahlan came alongside. The brunette shifted her eyes, barely suppressing a shy smile. But then she lifted an eyebrow, pointing to the horses.
“Seems they get used to each other…” Their first spoken words in hours had the blonde look slightly irritated, but indeed, the shining black neck of Cara´s horse kept relaxed as Shadow swiftly rubbed his cheek against his new companion as a welcome. Cara frowned halfheartedly , murmured a low “traitor!” but she let the reins hang lose, allowing the black beauty to answer with a playful jostle. She considered a moment to feel a sting of envy at how easy it was for the beasts to arrange with the new situation. As for her, she was far from feeling comfortable.
Four days had already passed since their departure from Aydindril. On the first day they had quickly found a reasonable order to ride: Kahlan took the lead, for she knew best the road to D´Hara, Zedd kept in the middle, and Cara rode behind, content to have both of them in sight and making sure to be able to react to any threat from wherever it should appear. The Mord Sith had felt relieved, for she was not forced to the side of the Mother Confessor, not knowing how she would deal with such closeness. Though she so longed for, but feared the holes it would slowly cause in her meticulously build defenses, like steady water eroded its coastline. ..
Leaving Aydindril she had been the first who mounted. Zedd had given Dennee a short and strangely tense hug, taking her best wishes for his journey before mounting his horse. Cara had the strongest impression, that even she was treated with much more heart by the old wizard then Dennee. Not that it was of any importance, but a soupcon of gratification had crossed her face anyway.
Kahlan had embraced her sister heartily. The Mord Sith had not heard the words been spoken between them, but she had caught the short glance Kahlan shot secretly towards her before she gave Dennee a reassuring smile and a peck on her cheek, turning finally around and mounting elegantly.
Cara and Dennee had changed a long, disgusting glare while the others were already heading out of the palace. A glare that warned of vicious consequences should the other get in her way.
They had started in a distant and tense mood; their first stop was spent in strained silence. Only Zedd had tried to do some conversation but had given up his attempt when none of his companions answered his babbling. With nightfall Cara had left their camp for hunting; and when she came back, she found the Mother Confessor asleep. She had taken watch from Zedd. But when her time was up she did not wake Kahlan. Instead she spent the whole night sitting on a log, content with watching her sleeping in pondering silence.
The moment, when the brunette´s eyes had finally snapped open, just a candle mark before sunrise, had caught her smiling with warmth that had no trouble to outplay the resting glow of the small fire. There had been a sudden wave of heat rising briefly in Kahlan´s chest, pink spreading over her cheeks, but before she managed to smile back, Cara had swiftly changed her features into her Mord Sith mask and stood. A hoarse “Watch is yours!” was all she said before lying down on the other side of the small fire and pretending to fall asleep in an instant. Though she didn´t. The pounding beat of her heart in her ears detained her. That, and the burning anger, being caught in such silly embarrassment...
The next morning had been only a little easier; Zedd was back to communication and this time he found Kahlan gave in, answering at least a few of his silly questions, even taking his offered jests as an opportunity to grace the world with the bright beauty of her smile; Cara noticed. And she noticed the brunette glared at her from the corner of her eyes, shyly, though her gaze didn´t linger. She bit her cheek every time she felt her eyes, fighting back the need to look back, fearing to lose herself in the abyss of their blue.
The familiar routine of their journey had slowly leaded to a faint ease between them, though. The evening of the second day found Zedd sitting at the fire, smiling a happy smile as he watched the two of them talking; well, at least as much as a Mord Sith talked, a few short sentences here and there. He did not listen, but he felt the calm that ever so slowly started to supersede the strain. They were well on their way; there was no need to be worried about their journey after he would leave them...
But Cara was worried. She had spent good parts of the days pondering on what she had snapped up while eavesdropping on Dennee´s meeting. She felt peculiar angry with herself, being unable to name what had lain beneath the words she had heard. Something bothered her, but it kept out of her reach. The whole situation had been weird.
Cara knew how the brain of soldiers worked. They were used to receive their orders and do what had to be done. They weren’t supposed to ask questions. The three Dennee had met were all the same.
But, beyond being loyal and accepting their task, there had lain something alien in their reaction. And Cara twisted her brain to get what it was. The men had not simply assumed their orders, they had ... inhaled them, burning to take them, eagerly waiting for getting started; they had been dogs, scratching at the door to finally get out. She had not seen their faces, only Dennee´s, as she had peeked on them, but their stiffened postures and their hoarse voices had told her enough.
And what on earth meant Dennee´s strict instructions relating to Cara?
While hearing Dennee mentioning her, the Mord Sith had half expected that the Confessor would commission the men to attack her, to put her away secretly while Kahlan would be distracted in Comorra. She had assumed that Kahlan´s sister would offer some false pretenses to allow the men to assassinate her while she slept... Anything!
But instead she was surprised to hear Dennee´s explicit instruction that she, the Mord Sith, had to be taken care of! By all means! However their quest in Comorra would develop, they would stand with their lives that Cara would return to Aydindril.
The words rolled zigzag through her mind, but as hard as she tried to figure it out, it did not make any sense. Dennee might be all sorts of things, but she was certainly not her friend! The tiny hairs on her neck rose, sensing the threat that lay in front of her. Cara smelled a rat when there was one.
There was something damned fishy about it.
*******
When the first shadows of the upcoming night flowed over their little camp on their fourth evening, they had settled into an almost familiar association, Zedd prepared their dinner and Cara and Kahlan went together to pick some more firewood. The wizard´s eyes followed them until they vanished in the tree lines. He sighed contently. At least, Richard´s decision to bring Cara to Aydindril had been right. Since Kahlan tolerated her near presence the emotional crusts that wrapped the Mother Confessor so tightly slowly started to soften; her features had already brightened a few times, when her smiles had reached her eyes; a beautiful sight, which Zedd had already feared he would never enjoy again. And Cara´s blossoming sarcasm showed him, that she became more and more self- reliant around the Confessor. Her presence was as refreshing as he ever remembered. Perhaps there was hope. There was a good chance, Kahlan would return from her quest in Comorra with much more energy, much more power then she had owned in the past years.
Zedd grinned mischievously. Dennee would not be pleased. A stronger Kahlan surely meant much less influence for her little sister. Less power over her. Maybe, Kahlan would finally free herself from the viper´s voice, who always attempted to poison the Mother Confessor´s mind, to hold her down.
The wizard blew a chirpy whistle while rummaging through his pack.
********
The two women walked quietly between the trees, Cara had a few large wooden pieces in her arms, when Kahlan suddenly stopped her, a hand gripping her elbow, a finger crossing her lips to demand silence, tugging Cara to hunker down. The blonde was much too surprised by the unexpected touch, her eyes pinned to the hand on her arm, to question the Confessor.
When Kahlan realized her stiffened, almost fending motion, she turned, glancing at her with beaming eyes, filled with pure joy, and pointed ahead.
There, between the bushes, Cara saw a romp of a big flurry ball, rolling through the dust as if moved by ghost hands. There was a low hissing and a sudden squeak. The spitting ball divided and separated into two chubby cubs of some kind of a very huge cat. Their thick fur was an almost yellow brown, speckled in black and dark-brown, looking incredibly fluffy and cuddly. A mask, bounteously drawn around their eyes, as well as their clumsy little paws dipped into a shimmering black. They tussled, competing passionately; one mewed and tried a roar while scratching at the others neck, then caught its brother´s ear and chewed on it with oblivious dedication. Its little prey hissed and scratched, before a loud and angry meow was heard as it suddenly rocketed high in attempt to dodge a tiny paw. It bared its tiny little teeth in an attempt to look intimidating; but in the next heartbeat it watched passionately the twitching tail of the other, stalking it and finally jumped on it with all four legs...
Their play was droll, their lumbering banter a living picture of cuteness. Like all cubs, all over the world, they were lost to the world while playing. They were just captivating...
Kahlan was captivating!
Cara found herself staring mesmerized at the brunette, who chuckled voiceless, her brilliant blue gaze fixed on the cubs, pure bliss shining on her face. Her lips had slightly parted, curled into a permanent wide smile, her teeth shimmering as she pressed them slightly on her lower lip; tiny wrinkles in the corner of her eyes twitched with her silent chuckles. Her hand, that had moved to tug some lose hair behind her ear had stopped, her fingers absently caressing her own earlobe.
The Mord Sith felt hypnotized. A heated wave started to whirl in her chest. The little hairs on her arms rose in a chill. There was no way to avert her stare from the sight. And when Kahlan´s eyes widened suddenly and she tightened the grip of her hand on Cara´s arm in excitement, Cara barely noticed the giant elegant cat that appeared out of the bushes, purring loudly, greeting her cubs with a few soft licks. Then it stood motionless, a savage diva, while the cubs jostled hastily under her belly to feed on her teats. A low snarl came from their mother as she proved the air, trying to get the winds that flew along. Finally listening suspiciously to the flowing breeze in the air the cat meowed loudly and left unhurriedly in natural, majestic grace. Hastily followed by two vivid bouncing furry balls.
Kahlan waited until they were far out of sight and then stood slowly, her happy chuckle grew loud and she leaned against a tree, gasping for air. Her entire features glowed with rapturousness as she tugged Cara to her feet. The blonde had let lose her grip on the gathered wood and it thudded to the ground. For a moment she just stood, her eyes round and glowing a dark green, her gaze still pinned to the clear blue pools in that beautiful face.
All in a sudden Kahlan felt her heart pounding heavily somewhere in her throat as these incredible green eyes pierced her, mesmerized her. She felt as though her gaze was trapped in their depths; as though air went thick, too thick to breathe. She didn´t realize her move, but the next she felt were Cara´s lips on her own, hard, burning with an aggressive hunger; mixed with an almost possessive anger. A sudden untamed instinct welled up in her and answered fiercely without fail, pressing against these full lips; a wild and savage reaction. Her mouth shot open, letting a throaty growl escape her when a hot tongue entered eagerly, sweeping over the edge of her teeth, claiming her mouth imperiously. Kahlan´s entire body felt as if set aflame.
It held only a second.
Then, closing her eyes, a sudden flash of panic shot through her veins, swept along with the hurt of long denied emotions; the gash in her soul, which had never really healed, dehisced and instantly started bleeding painfully.
Gasping for air she freed herself from Cara´s grip and pushed her roughly back, reaching out and setting a swift, biting slap in the blonde´s face. Staring breathless and wide-eyed, feeling tears welling up and drudgingly fighting them back. Stunned by how naughty Cara was. Stunned by how fraudulent her own body reacted, flouting the knowledge that lay buried inside. The knowledge, that agonizing sorrow and hurt and - in the end - deadly hollow emptiness came from allowing her heart that kind of fever.
Her face had gotten pale; cheeks had lost the faintest hint of color; her eyes were narrowed under deeply knitted brows. All she heard was her own blood, roaring in her ears like muffled war drums.
Cara stood frozen, her features set into a stony mask; only the emerald green that burned from her narrowed eyes betrayed her own shock. She had not planned to kiss the Mother Confessor. It... had happened; her attack had been far beyond her control. And seeing Kahlan, seeing how her look changed from sheer horror into a biting ice cold blue that seared into her own eyes, she realized that she had made an unforgivable mistake; out of the weakness of an uncontrolled moment. She almost winced when Kahlan stepped closer and leaned in until Cara could feel her breath tingle over her skin in a hot wave. The Confessor´s barely audible voice scratched painfully along her cheek, crawling into her ear like acid.
“NEVER. DARE.TOUCH ME.AGAIN! YOU!” Cara felt wetness sweeping over her skin when Kahlan shook her head ever so slightly. “you have no right!”
Closing her eyes, the Mord Sith bit her cheek until the bitter metallic flavor of her own blood graced her tongue, grounding on the smallest pain she could get. Only a moment later she more sensed than heard the Confessor turns and flees.
Cara stood statuesque, her eyes closed, her chest barely heaving with the effort to control her breath, small muscles in her cheeks working hectically. A few heartbeats later her legs started to run.
*******
Zedd sat alone on a log beside the fire, staring into the flames with his sad pale eyes. He seemed to be taken aback when he saw her returning to their fire place, trembling and troubled as she was; first he wanted to speak to her, but noticing her wrecked mood and following the harsh gesture of her hands to stop his speech he quickly gave up his attempts. Instead his shoulders sacked and his concern gave way to sorrow as he respectfully gave her the space she obviously needed.
She took her bedroll and arranged it in a distance with shaky hands. Her barely controlled features distorted as soon as she lay down. She bit her lip, trying to center herself. Kahlan stared into the darkness for a small eternity, her breath was heavy, her eyes settled on the flickering shadows that danced their taunting dance over the forests edge; but her look went inside her mind, searching for something to hold on; anything at all. It was a futile attempt. There was nothing but dark vacuity awaiting her. After a while she shut her eyes and decidedly began struggling for sleep. All she wanted was to escape her troubled thoughts; the heavy chain that tightened her chest. But hard as she tried, pressing her lids close, searching calmness in the darkness behind them, she found herself unable to stop trembling; Peace lay far out of her reach. Green eyes were haunting her; lips, violently pressed on her own, were drawing constant pain through her veins. Burning like fire in her guts; leaving a small trace of ashes on her soul. And a small trace of tears on her cheeks.
Some candle marks must have passed, before she finally heard Zedd settling for sleep. She knew it meant he had given watch to the Mord Sith.
Cara was back!
The thought alone was enough to flood her eyes. To let tears quill from under her lashes, hidden sobs break her breath. She felt her entire body quivering and was sheer unable to stop it.
For weeks now Kahlan had put much effort into keeping her countenance. Had restrained her emotions and focused on politeness and manners.
But today... Cara´s touch...
The aggression she had put into something that could have been meant as a kiss...
It had been too much. Her walls had tumbled down. And there was no strength left to rebuild them.
Kahlan became bitterly aware that she would never find any peace if she would not finally ask the question that had been torturing her during the last years. She had. to know....
She rose slowly, wiping her cheeks dry, swallowed a last sob and searched through the night for the blonde, finding her cowering on a log on the far side of their small camp, barely visible if not for the shimmering moonlight on her silky blond mane.
The Mord Sith sat quietly, her tense back to the fire, and stared into the near treetops. Mad thoughts whispered through her mind, feelings of shame and fury raging equally inside her. All she could think of was the expression on Kahlan’s face; an expression that could only be named as blank horror. Horror she had caused. Because she had lost control; had gone too far...
Cara slowly lifted her hand to palm her cheek, frowning; gritting her teeth; still feeling the trenchant echo of Kahlan´s impetuous stroke.
The Mother Confessor hated her. So much was clear.
Never before, not even in their first days, when she had wrapped her hand around her throat in that cave, promising to kill her if she would trick her, never had her voice sounded as cold and hollow as it had sounded today.
“Never. Dare. Touch me. Again!...”
Cara´s eyes burnt dryly. Her lungs had barely enough space to breathe.
She had run. Just run; trying to get her mind clear; resolved to leave Kahlan behind...
It had not worked.
It never worked.
Finally she had returned, once again surrendering to the familiar pain inside her belly. A pain that had never left her since the day she had been sent away on that morning two years ago...
In the moment she heard a twig breaking somewhere to her left, her eyes flickered instinctively over the tempting darkness to her right, as if searching for an escape. She did not feel prepared for talking... It would make no sense anyway. Her hands reached for her agiels, appreciating the stinging pain that shot up her arms immediately, clinging to its force.
Deep lines started to crinkle her forehead.
She would not apologize!
It had always been Kahlan who had expected her to be honest. To embrace her emotions, instead of denying them. It was not her fault that she... felt... something. And it was not her fault that this... something... was strong enough to break straight through her walls into her petrified Mord Sith heart.
It had been her perdition two years ago.
And probably it would be her perdition now.
The Mord Sith expelled a small puff of air and dropped her head. Kahlan would send her away. Like she had done before. She would be denied to be near her, to protect her. Again
Cara bit her cheek and shut her eyes for a heartbeat, steeling herself for what she knew was about to come; and waited.
Time passed by, minutes stretched agonizingly, but nothing happened. Finally the blonde huffed and turned her head. Her gaze travelled slowly from the ground to her feet to the figure that stood there, leaning, no, pressing close against a tree as if her slender form tried to conflate with the dark, rough bark. Her face looked paler then the moon itself, framed by a halo of glorious tousled hair, marked by traces of tears which had left her eyes shadowed with faint scarlet.
Cara clenched her jaw and put all her anger and defiance into her glare as their eyes locked. Still the brunette did not move nor say anything; Just stared at her like a hurt deer, beforehand blaming the predator for its near death.
Her lips almost not stirred, her voice coming in a husky whisper when she finally spoke, but it reached the blonde´s ear like if she had yelled at her. “Why, Cara?”
She watched how Cara tilted her head, frowning deeply. Her irate, sea green gaze telling that the blonde did not understand her question. Kahlan bit her lip and swallowed, then tried again.
“Why? Why did you abandon me? Why had you to hurt me the way you did, Cara? …What happened?
If getting Richard was all you wanted, you should have found other ways. It was not necessary to break my heart to gain his.
I trusted you, Cara! Despite everything I was taught in my life. Despite everything I believed in. I was ready to give it all up... for you. Can you imagine what that meant for me?” Her voice cracked.The Confessor huffed desperately.
“But you decided to use me for your own goals. I think I at least deserve an answer, Cara. Tell me. Why?...” Kahlan´s cheeks were glistening; her eyes nothing but a dark blue plea.
Cara´s entire posture mirrored her lack of understanding. She shook her head, stunned by the words and already furious for the reproaches swaying with them. Her words came as a suspicious snarl over her lips.
“What are you speaking about, Confessor? I have never used you. No,” she growled, “I was foolish enough to think of you as a... friend.” She almost spit the word.
“So did I. And so much more, Cara!” Kahlan´s words dripped with bitterness. Her eyes never left the confused features of the Mord Sith. She stared at her a few heartbeats long, trying to restrain her voice before she blurted “But it was you who left me. Who broke my heart when you rode out of Aydindril without so much as a last glance…”
The blonde eyed her intensely, forehead still wrinkled distrustfully, her lips pressed into a thin line; fighting for words that didn´t come to her. Finally she dropped her gaze, blonde strands covering her face as her crumbly voice stumbled over her lips.
“I... couldn´t. If I would have looked back... I would have lost the strength to obey you.”
“To obey me?” Kahlan almost screamed, staring at her in disbelieve.
“You had sent me away, Confessor. You had ordered me to leave; You had made your decision, and I was in your way. Your way to be with Richard. Like you had always desired.
You were just a spoiled brat, tossing its toy away…”
Her voice went lost as she turned and looked at the Confessor with narrowed eyes, hurt and bitterness shimmering faintly in her gaze.
“Spirits, what...? I don´t understand.” Kahlan had puffed off the tree and looked down on her, searching in her eyes for the meaning of her words, frowning deeply; the blonde stood and straightened to meet her gaze at eyelevel, lifting a defiant brow.
“You accuse me that I have simply abandoned you, Confessor? You should know it better! I never would! At last it was you who banished me from your life!”
The Confessor knew she was unable to read a Mord Sith against her will. But this one time she would have given half the world to see through the Mord Sith´s walls, to tell if she was playing a cruel game again…
They stood for what felt like an eternity, both their bodies tensed, assessing each other warily; like fighters, waiting for an opening to attack.
Each of them thinking of scars that had been left; of bleeding wounds;
Touches, used to burn with passion.
Whispered confessions in dark blue nights... Long proved to be lies.
At last Kahlan shook her head and huffed to break the silence that had quickly built up into a tremendous wall. She turned away and stared into the night’s darkness, folding her arms, trying to hide her pain behind her Confessor mask. Her voice had taken a controlled, chilled tone.
“Stop playing games, Cara. I remember too well our arrival to Aydindril. I was going to speak with Richard. To tell him, that I could not take him as my mate. That my heart - and my life - was yours. I was prepared for his anger and his fury, the thought of it had caused nightmares, you knew that; it had pressed me more and more during our journey to Aydindril.... I only felt strong enough because I knew you by my side. And then, before I could do so, he told me that you were going to leave...
I was stunned, Cara. I did not want to believe it. But when I came down to the courtyard, you already mounted your horse and galloped away. You did not even say good bye!...
I was not even worth to get a last glance back…”
Her voice sounded as hollow as the inanition in her chest felt.
While following her words with a dark frown on her face, ever so slowly the blonde´s expression changed from defiance to anger and finally into confusion; her eyes became glowing with upwelling heat; a spark of comprehension tiptoed into her mind. She focused on the near shadow of a black tree when she asked hoarsely.
“What did he tell you?”
Kahlan shot her a side-glance, quickly turning away again when she felt Cara going to turn towards her, trying to meet her gaze.
“The whole and nasty truth. Which you obviously, had not the guts to tell me yourself. He told me that you always wanted him. He told me of the times you had tried to seduce him during our journey ever since you were gone with him to the future. And failed. That you had already told him about us. And that you had only been playing games.” The words dropped from her lips as a spat. “To show him that I was easily willing to betray him, that I was not good for him.” She gave a short, bitter laugh. “You were right there at least. I was not good for him...” She dropped her eyes to the ground. “And when you had to realize that he would not follow you, that you had lost your own game, you´ve run away... Probably without wasting a single thought to what you had done to me.” She gritted her teeth, fighting back a sob that threatened to break the silence that followed her words. A lonely tear marked her pale skin but Kahlan did not move to wipe it away, did not want to show how much it hurt. She heard the blonde inhaling deeply a few times and finally turned to face her.
Cara stood with closed eyes, her entire body tight; the familiar small muscles in her cheeks tensing in a frenzy rhythm. When she opened her eyes, her gaze was hard, as were her words when she lowly stated: “And you believed him.”
Kahlan stared at her, frowning, “What else could have made you leave without a word, if not such a madness...” she snapped.
Cara turned to look at her. Her eyes softened a little, something approaching to regret swept along with her gaze, travelling slowly, almost tenderly, over her face, following the small trail the tear had drawn, focusing finally on her eyes and sinking deep into the clouded blue she found there. For a moment she chewed on her words. Finally whispering, almost reluctantly:
“He lied.”
Kahlan froze. Her eyes pierced the blonde with icy brilliance. She felt her thoughts slowing down to an almost immeasurable viscous flow. It took an eternity for the meaning of the words to settle in her mind. And all she could offer was a whispered “you are insane!”
Cara only eyed her. A gaze of grudging certitude that scratched at her long kempt bitterness, trying to tear the bricks out of her walls, slowly causing first small gaps. Kahlan gasped slightly. Denying the port where her thoughts wanted to anchor. She straightened defiantly, growling a disgusting answer.
“I am a Confessor. He could not lie to me...”
Cara´s shoulders had sacked, but her face was a stony mask.
“I don´t know how, but he tricked you.” She locked with Kahlan´s eyes as she added “as he tricked me.”
The piercing blue of the brunettes gaze pinned her to the spot, the beautiful frame a tight statue, waiting, almost frightened, for her next words. Cara bit her lip, then turned and addressed the nearest tree with her words.
“He came to me shortly after our arrival. He was compassionate. Regretful. He wanted to talk to me. He said, you had told him about us. He said, you had confessed him that you wanted to know how it feels with a woman. And that you were sorry for that. That it did not mean anything to you. That your heart belonged to him; And that your love for him had never faltered. He said you had asked him to send me away. Because you were ashamed and would not be able to bear it if you had to tell me yourself.
He had a message prepared for the People´s Palace, declaring me to be his deputy and had my horse waiting for me, already packed with supplies for the way. He said if I would feel anything for you, if only the smallest kind of respect, I should go immediately...And that he felt so sorry! But that he had to order me to leave, for you...
He was almost eager to get rid of me...” Her voice was expressionless, her jaw set. It was not up to her to judge her Lord Rahl.
Kahlan had followed her words motionless. She had forgotten how to breathe and only noticed it when her lungs eventually protested burningly. Now she gasped for air, a sudden nausea threatened to smash her down and she backed off to a tree, leaning heavily against it. Memories rotated in opposite directions, her world faded away, and slowly she sank down to the ground, crouching there, staring at the ground while trying to catch her thoughts. Her brain refused the comprehension. She shook her head, whispering “this can´t be true...”
Cara did not stir. She watched how Kahlan swallowed and finally shifted her eyes to meet her gaze, rising to her feet. And she impulsively gave what no one else would ever receive: she opened her mind widely and allowed the Confessor to look inside, to look into her deepest hiding places, let her see behind her walls and find the truth there.
The brunette´s glare went lost into her own eyes for a few, endless heartbeats, a frown build up on her face and deepened, her long hair shimmered as if catching the moon light as it swayed slightly in the nights breeze as she eventually shook her head. Then she suddenly snapped for air and the creepy sound of an endless stretched painful moan filled the air. Her wide eyes stared in a dark midnight blue at Cara for one more heartbeat and then suddenly she turned around, storming back to the fireside, dropping beside a blissfully snoring Zedd to galvanize him fiercely.
“Zedd! ... Wake up! ... Zedd!” The wizard snorted disturbed, slowly coming around. Opening his eyes he found himself grabbed by two strong hands and faced by burning blue diamonds, piercing his own eyes furiously. He needed a moment to realize it was Kahlan who shook him mightily.
“Did you know it, Wizard?” She almost yelled at him, agitating him again violently. “Did you know it??” When the answer was nothing but a confused frown, he heard her screaming as her hand shot from his clothes straight to his throat.
“Answer me!” She shouted enraged, her eyes growing dark, her hand wrapping firmly around his puckered neck.
For a moment he was stunned at her aggression, could not find the strength to move. A flash of trepidation claimed his mind.
“Kahlan!” Cara´s voice cut the air, her fist wiped the threat away from Zedd´s throat, catching the Confessor´s hand in a firm grip. She held her tight against her fierce resistance, did not let her go, forced her to stand and tugged her away from the wizard. Her strong gaze stood Kahlan´s wrath until she sensed her calming down. Only then she loosened her grip, let the Confessor rip her hand free with an angry rough yank, huffing loudly, while the blonde turned and eyed Zedd briefly. He sat upright, agape, his eyes wide in shock.
“You okay, wizard?”
He nodded slowly, croaking: “Thank you, Cara! That was a close thing...”
His gaze searched for Kahlan, who had sacked at the still slightly smoldering fire, her eyes shut, a mixture of fury and despair painting her features. He saw how she clenched her hands into fists, saw her knuckles shining white, and he looked bemused up to Cara.
“Spirits, what have you done to her? And what did she mean, did I know it? Did I know what???”
Cara never took her eyes off Kahlan, watching her warily. Her hands were wrapped firmly around her agiels.
“Get up, wizard. Night is over. I bet she has a lot of questions...”
**********
t.b.c.
on to part 6