From Alas, a blog.

[cheshire_bitten]

I bring this up because I think it’s important to reinforce that vanilla relationships and BDSM relationships can go wrong in many of the same ways. Men who would never frame their desire for control in terms of BDSM can still socially isolate, hit, and terrify their wives. Wives who don’t understand themselves as submissive can still find it

Comments

[weibchenwolf]

I've often thought that many 'vanilla' relationship issues might be at least better understood if people admitted that there were power exchanges going on all the time.

However, I've also noticed that many of those who jam themselves firmly into the vanilla category refuse to hear of anything that might compare them to those outside said category.

[cheshire_bitten]

Really really icky.

[box3]

It’s BDSM without the name BDSM. It’s BDSM that isn’t a game.

No, it's not. It's abuse.

[motokomaharet]

So does that make BDSM, abuse with a name other than abuse?

[box3]

No, it makes BDSM... BDSM.

[nicked_metal]

Perhaps one or both of you ought to define your terms here :)

I don't think that BDSM and abuse are equivalent, and I also believe that it's possible to practice SM (perhaps not so much BD) without any kind of abusive relationship (simulated or genuine).

As far as I can tell, the key distinguishing feature in abusive relationships and interactions is a lack of genuine consent and/or a lack of genuine concern for welfare.

[motokomaharet]

O.k. for the record there can be abuse in a D/s relationship... The Sub is generally in control but if they don't actually know their own limits then it can lead to an abusive relationship within a D/s setting.

This may a rare thing but it does occur.

All in all I think abuse is wrong and the most important thing in any relationship; be it vanilla, D/s, poly, or other; is COMMUNICATION.

And people knowing their rights...
That everyone has the right to say 'NO' or 'STOP'.
Not everyone knows this or feels strong enough to say it. Example: Battered wife syndrome.