It's a Question of Mortality
Title: It’s a question of mortality.
Rating: NC17
Warnings/Spoilers: Dark, issues of death, swearing, slash, character death. Mention of Jack in Doctor Who Series 4.
Characters: Jack/Ianto.
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood or its characters.
Summary: Jack asks Ianto something he doesn’t think is fair.
A/N: This is not like my normal stuff. It’s dark and angst ridden to the extreme. I wanted to address why Jack’s “coming back to life reaction” seemed to have changed in the latest Doctor Who.
Jack strode in flashing him a smile with just a hint of uneasiness in his eyes and Ianto tensed.
‘What? What happened?’ Ianto stared at him and stalked round his desk, a hand on his hip, ‘what is it?’
‘Nothing,’ Jack lied. His hands rested behind his back as he leant on his desk opposite Ianto.
‘Jack.’ Ianto warned, his arms crossing and staring at him defiantly.
‘What?’
‘You’re lying.’
Jack shifted and glanced away, crinkling his forehead.
‘I’m not.’
Ianto sighed. It had been an odd day, mostly paper work and the heavy, ever present tension of waiting for something horrible to go wrong. An underlying current of suspense that the three of them all covered with up with noise and arguments and laughing and sex. Jack looked tired and nervous and Ianto cupped his cheek, turning him back to face him, ‘Jack. What is it?’
Jack sighed and took Ianto’s hand from his face, holding it loosely in his and playing with his fingers. He had no idea why he was doing this. Actually that was a lie, he knew the reasons, had waited for the right time, finally decided there wasn’t one and eventually came to this. Because sometimes it was better to ask for help and get turned down than decide you were already alone and accept it.
‘Okay. I…um.’ His breath caught and Ianto stared harder as he continued quietly, ‘I need you to do something for me…’
‘I’m assuming it isn’t good.’
‘It’s not brilliant.’ Jack took a deep breath and looked into his eyes pleadingly, ‘Just…Ianto - I wouldn’t ask you but you’re the only one and I trust you and I need you to do this for me.’ He looked like he was going to say more but kept quiet and Ianto’s eyes flashed with concern.
‘What is it?’
Ianto frowned and Jack reached behind him bringing out a standard issue Torchwood hand gun and pressing it into Ianto’s hand.
‘What? What’s this for? Jack?’
Jack bowed his head and mumbled into his chest, ‘Ianto, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t ask this of you -‘
‘Jack! What are talking about?!’
‘I need you to kill me. A lot.’
Ianto stared at him wildly before dropping the gun clattering to the desk.
‘What? No. Jack! Don’t be ridiculous!’
His fingers shook and his voice wavered, Jack just sat quietly and avoided his gaze.
‘I’m not being ridiculous Ianto.’
‘Clearly you are. There is no possible reason for me to kill you, you don’t get ill, you aren’t injured so I have no idea what you’re talking about, I’m not killing you,’ Ianto said, ripping his jacket off and shaking his head, ‘so you can just forget it.’
‘No.’ Jack replied softly, ‘if you don’t…I will.’
‘Shut up!’ Ianto’s eyes were wide and staring and Jack hated the he was asking this.
‘No. I need to learn.’
‘What do you mean need to learn?’ Ianto bellowed, ‘learn what?! What could you possibly need to learn?!’
Jack just shifted slightly on the desk and looked at him, ‘how to come back.’
‘You’re mad,’ Ianto said, pointing at him and shaking his head again.
‘Ianto! I can’t always come back gasping and screaming,’ Jack replied running a hand through his hair, ‘I need to…restrain myself. I need to learn.’
‘What?’ Ianto realised he wasn’t breathing and pulled in some air raggedly. Jack had to have gone crazy, this wasn’t real and wasn’t happening and shit his heart was hammering in his chest as he took in the sight of Jack looking completely serious and the loaded gun next to him on the desk. ‘NO.’ Ianto sat heavily in the chair and worried his lip, ‘shut up. You’re being crazy.’
‘I’m not crazy.’
‘You are,’ Ianto said defiantly, looking up at him, ‘it’s not happening.’
Jack watched him for a second before standing up and smiling, raising his eyebrows in acceptance and agreeing, ‘okay.’
Ianto’s whole body tensed as he was realised that was way too easy. Jack would never be that easily persuaded, his mind ran a million miles an hour and he looked past Jack’s fake smile that didn’t quite make it to his eyes and realised what he was going to do.
‘JACK!’
‘Ianto,’ Jack reached for him and stroked a thumb quickly across his cheek and through the back of his hair, resting it on his shoulder, ‘stop. I’m sorry, its fine, forget it.’
‘Don’t do this.’
Ianto was shaking and Jack pulled him up, clasping him to his shoulder and running his hand through his hair as he spoke soothingly.
‘It’s okay. I don’t need you to. It’s fine, sorry.’
‘This is mad, don’t kill yourself Jack.’
Ianto’s voice cracked and he buried his face in Jack’s neck, gripping his coat tightly.
‘Then you do it,’ he whispered and Ianto jerked away.
‘No I won’t, you can’t make me,’ he said frantically his eyes were stinging with tears and Jack’s heart tightened, ‘I won’t do it, its wrong - Jack -I can’t…don’t make me,’ he was begging now, his voice raw and he looked at him pleadingly, ‘I can’t, not again, I won’t - Jack please -’
‘Ianto! Calm down.’ Jack held his shoulders tightly and calmed his tone, ‘look, you don’t have to do anything - I’m not going to force you,’ he wrapped his arms round him and spoke quietly into his neck, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Jack don’t - please.’
‘Shh I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’
He could feel Ianto’s breath on his neck and the grip round his waist tighten.
‘Don’t do this to yourself - please Jack,’ he moved out of his grip and pulled himself up to stare at him, ‘Jack, promise me,’ he watched Ianto silently will him to say the words and stayed quiet, ‘promise me Jack.’
‘No.’
‘Jack…’
‘Ianto, just forget I mentioned it.’
Jack went to leave the office and Ianto grabbed his arm dragging him back.
‘How can I? You’re a fucking bastard!’ Jack flinched and Ianto gestured wildly as he shouted, ‘how fucking dare you! Fucking Jack Harkness, how dare you ask me -’
‘Ianto STOP. I’m sorry.’
They stared at each other across the room fiercely and Ianto finally bought his hammering heartbeat under control.
‘Why have you asked me to do this?’
‘I need to learn how to do this Ianto. And I didn’t want to do it alone. I wanted to come back to you.’
‘Fuck.’ Ianto bought a hand up to rub the back of his neck and stared at him, ‘this is so wrong.’
‘You don’t have to do it,’ Jack said quietly shoving his hands deep in his pockets.
‘Neither do you.’
‘I do.’
Ianto exhaled frustratedly, ‘why? Why Jack? Make me understand.’
‘Because Ianto,’ he replied softly, ‘if I can come back without drawing attention to myself, I can use it to my advantage.’
‘Why do you need to do that? You shouldn’t be dying at all! I hate it.’ Ianto gestured to himself and Jack ignored the surge of guilt clenching his stomach as Ianto continued, ‘it destroys Gwen every time. And she’s the one who believes you’ll come back.’
Jack’s head snapped up from staring at his feet and he frowned at Ianto concernedly, ‘you know I’ll come back.’
‘Knowing and believing isn’t the same thing Jack.’
‘Ianto - I’ll come back,’ Jack stood closer to him and placed his hand over Ianto’s heart, gripping his shirt slightly when he flinched, ‘I’ll always come back to you.’
They stared at each other intensely as they both realised they weren’t talking about him dying anymore but the subject they never spoke about, the Doctor. Ianto leaned in kissing him slowly before pulling back.
‘Why can’t you just stop leaving?’
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘It is.’ Ianto sighed frustratedly again and started to pace, glancing back at him every couple of seconds, ‘you make it complicated! You complicate everything - all of it could be so simple - your whole life. Instead of holing yourself away from the world and isolating yourself and becoming this enigma of a man - try living in the world Jack! Do stupid simple things like watching crap T.V and eating toast in bed, make it simple. Because this - this is mad.’
Ianto was breathing shallowly again and Jack pulled him back to stand in front of him.
‘I want that. I do want that Ianto - but if I let myself think that I just go on and on living life after life after life never making a difference, I’ll go mad.’
Ianto watched quietly and Jack continued, ‘if I leave - when I leave -‘ he corrected and Ianto looked away, ‘it’s not because I don’t want to be here, it’s because I’m needed elsewhere. To make a difference. To help. And with all my life Ianto, it’s only fair that I use some of it to help. It’s the only way it makes any sense.’
Ianto leaned against the desk and looked up into his eyes, ‘we need you here. You help here. I’m here.’
‘I know. That’s why I come back.’
‘But he always comes first then? The Doctor?’
‘Not first, I don’t have an order, I just…If he needs me, if people need me, I will go, because it’s for the best.’
‘I need you.’
Ianto dropped his gaze and Jack’s chest tightened.
‘You don’t. You want me. You have your life and I fit in it in some weird way…because you want me to.’
Jack rolled his eyes, he wasn’t making sense and he shouldn’t be the one telling Ianto how he felt. It wasn’t fair to him. He shook himself mentally and took Ianto’s hand deciding just to be honest.
‘I’m the one that needs you, and so I come back. I will always come back to you. I need you to be the one I come back to.’
Ianto stared at him for a second before they both leaned in, Ianto’s mouth brushing his and hands running up his neck, lips parted and their tongues met gently. Ianto’s breath caught and he moved closer, wanting more of Jack, deepening the kiss, his pulse racing and he jerked away quickly as he glanced the gun out of the corner of his eye.
Jack frowned and followed Ianto’s eye line to the gun.
‘Jack, you shouldn’t ask me…it’s not right.’
‘I know,’ he sighed, moving closer to him and resting his hands lightly on Ianto’s waist, ‘I’m sorry…I didn’t want to do it alone. I’ve died a lot,’ he tried to explain and Ianto listened intently, ‘and come back about the same amount...And coming back alone…coming back alone is -‘
Ianto reached forward and cut him off, kissing him and watching as Jack closed his eyes and kissed him back softly. He reached out and clasped his hand around the gun pulling away from Jack quickly without giving either of them chance for a second thought he aimed at his head, pulled the trigger and watched with shock as Jack went tumbling to the floor.
A/N 2: Okay guys, I totally get if you don't like it, it's not very me. I was just dying to write angst and I'm totally insomniac. Essenitally this was written for me and is a response to a crap mood and no sleep, hope it's okay...