#218: Poppin’ Tags
Prompt claimed: #218
Title: Poppin’ Tags
Pairings: All of these are really slight… OT11 love? BaekChen, SeKai, LayHan, Xiuhan, Xiuyeol, ChanSoo, SuLay… EVERY PAIRING EVER (er, and slight ryeowook/kyungsoo...?)
Rating: PG13
Warnings: None, except extreme silliness. There be crack ahead. Ye have been warned.
Word Count: ~6300
Summary: In a hip hip place there was a hip hip shop and in the hip hip shop there was some hip hip clothes and the hip hip clothes were… EXO?
Once upon a time, in a very trendy but yet still alternative and hip part of Seoul, there was a shop.
This shop was special for many reasons, not least its refusal to stock more than one of any of the items in its range much to the chagrin of some of its customers. Minseok and Lu Han however, the poor boys charged by the rather eccentric owner with running the enterprise, don’t mind in the least - it makes stock check so much easier when it’s either ‘not sold yet’ or ‘SOLD OUT’.
In any case, there was another reason why EXO, as the shop was called, was special.
Its clothes were alive.
Nobody knows how it happened or why it happened, but there was a select collection of the already rather select collection that made up the inventory of EXO that appeared to have come to life. There were nine of them in total. Nine articles of clothing that thought, spoke and moved as would a living thing, and these are some of their stories.
1.
Jongdae does not ever remember not being alive. He doesn't remember getting stitched together either though, something he's rather grateful for. He's seen the way Minseok handles a needle when he had to sew up part of Lu Han's football uniform that one time and all Jongdae can think is 'thank god I wasn't awake for that.'
He's not particularly interested in how he came to be, or even why he can talk. He knows the basics and that is enough for him. He knows he is a very hip sweater in a very hip set in a very hip shop. Hip to the power three. Who could ask for anything more?
More specifically Jongdae is a zip up hoodie in leopard print with black pocket edges with yellow triangles printed on and black cuffs. He has two little pointed ears appearing out of the top of his hood and all in all he’s pretty damn fly, even if he does say so himself.
Tao, on the other hand, is a graphic print scarf. He is long and floaty. He has artfully tasselled edges. He is patterned with a conglomerate of triangles of various sizes and shades of grey. He is a hipster’s wet dream. Being the only other item with a pattern, likes to think he’s the expert on such things and reliably informs Jongdae that he and Baekhyun, Jongdae's bottom half and partner in crime, are 'faux leopard print in a dusky orange'. Jongae doesn't really care about that. His print is a part of him, yes, but it doesn't define him.
He knows that he is, to all outward appearances, a zip up sweater with black arm cuffs and a hood with little ears, but that's not who he is. He is Kim Jongdae, vocal artiste, prankster extraordinaire and, in his opinion, the best thing that ever happened to EXO shop.
Hey, he never claimed to be modest.
2.
Kyungsoo is a floor length black puffer jacket. None of them really know why the designers of such a fashionable, hip and stylish establishment as the one they belong to thought that this was a good stylistic choice, but here Kyungsoo is.
Baekhyun especially likes to tease Kyungsoo on his lack of fashion. Jongdae isn’t really sure why, because it never, ever ends well for Baekhyun - despite his deceptively squishy and harmless appearance Kyunsoo’s words are barbed and he never pulls any punches.
Exhibit A:
“Why hello there Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun calls cheekily. “You’re looking awfully unfashionable today.”
“And yet I still have more people trying me on than you.” Kyungsoo replies in that mild tone of his.
“Oooh, burn.” Jongdae calls out, earning a thwack from one of Baekhyun's trouser legs for his sass.
Exhibit B:
A siren wails past the shop and Baekhyun perks up with glee.
“Hey Soo, did you hear that? It’s the sound of the fashion police!”
“Are you sure they aren’t here to arrest you for your jokes? Because they are criminally bad.” Kyungsoo replies, completely at ease and uninterested.
Jongdae flips the mental scoreboard over in his head. “So that’s Kyungsoo: 120, Baekhyun: -5.” He mutters to himself. Of course Baekhyun being so close he overhears.
“Hey! Why am I negative? Soo’s the one who’s negative all the time.” He complains.
“You are negative. You’re certainly not a plus.” Kyungsoo fires back.
“I bring light and laughter to this shop I’ll have you know!”
“If they were laughing at you maybe.”
Up on the glasses rack Joonmyeon, a pair of vanity glasses, snaps his arms in annoyance because he has heard enough of their bickering to last him a lifetime.
"Stop squabbling!" He shouts over them. It's about as effective as using Joonmyeon to read a book would be - it's no use at all.
"Is it because I'm not a real pair of glasses?" Joonmyeon laments, mostly to himself. "Because I am beautiful but not functional?"
"Don't worry Joonmyeon-umma." Tao consoles him. "It's not you, they don't listen to anybody."
"They keep calling me square," Joonmyeon frets, "but I can't help that! I didn't design myself."
"You know what'll make you feel better?" Tao says soothingly. "Meditation with Yixing. You're getting too stressed over this."
"You're right. What a good kid you are, looking out for your umma." Joonmyeon says tiredly but proudly.
Tao swishes happily in response. He loves his umma.
3.
Yixing is beautiful. Hand-crafted (it says so on his label) from hemp twine and hand-painted wooden beads, he has an understated charm. There are other bracelets in the shop far shinier and eye-catching but nothing compares to the workmanship and love that has clearly gone into Yixing's construction. He just radiates love.
It's probably for this reason that he has become the shop's unofficial counsellor. Not for his advice, which is nearly always the same ('don't worry, be happy', which is rather easier said than done) but for a chance to bask in the laid back and loving atmosphere which surrounds him.
Joonmyeon, slightly more anxious than most, takes advantage of this most often. He also claims it's because Yixing makes a really pretty sound when he jingles and it's much nicer than having to listen to all his other friends bicker or banter or whatever it is they call it. Which is fair enough.
The loudest of all, and the one that most makes Joonmyeon want to smash his lenses against a wall, is Chanyeol.
Chanyeol is a plaid hunter hat, completely fur lined and, mostly importantly, completely waterproof so he is perfectly adapted for all winter weather. As all hunter hats do he has ear flaps which come down and cover the ears and a peak which is tilted back against the forehead of the hat to show off his lining. For such a loud item he’s surprisingly tastefully coloured - his plaid lining is green and blue, his fur grey. It’s so peaceful and calming… until he starts talking. While he's not like Baekhyun, who seems incapable of ever shutting up, he is very, very loud. It's almost like he can't hear himself speak.
Well, he does have ear flaps lined with fluff, Joonmyeon chuckles to himself.
"What are you chuckling at?" Jongdae asks curiously.
"Oh, nothing. Just that Chanyeol is so loud because he has fluffy lining in his ear flaps. He can't hear because his ears are full of fluff!" Joonmyeon chokes out, laughing quite hard as he does so.
A pause.
“…right.” Jongdae says slowly. “You do realise none of have ears, right?”
Joonmyeon stops laughing nervously. “Oh, yes. Right.”
4.
Mostly, Jongdae likes being in a set. It’s hard to explain to the singular items what exactly he likes about it, because they don’t really have any frame of reference for the things he talks about. What would Chanyeol, who sits on his hat stand all day devoid from any kind of interaction with other clothing, know about the comfort that comes from letting your hems touch?
Admittedly, his and Baekhyun's case is not nearly so extreme as Jongin and Sehun’s, tucked neatly in their two-for-one boxers packaging. He’s never actually seen any more of Jongin than his dark waistband. The rest is hidden behind Sehun. He supposes that it’s not a bad thing - they’re boxer briefs for Gucci’s sake, they’re designed to be intimate.
When Jongdae thinks of what that’d be like though, the feeling of hems touching extending to the rest of him… Jongdae loves Baekhyun, he really does, but he’s pretty sure he’d strangle him with his sleeves if he had to be that close to him all the time.
Obviously, Jongdae is aware of the fact he is a jumper. One day he will be placed over a t-shirt and there will be contact. It won’t be the same one every time though and he’ll only have to deal with it for 12 hours tops. Unlike with Baekhyun.
Sometimes he thinks that he’s only annoyed with Baekhyun because they have no choice but to be together. All the time.
But mostly he thinks it’s because Baekhyun is an annoying little shit.
5.
Another thing to know about Sehun is he hates his packaging.
“We’re made of breathable fabric,” Sehun whines, “So why won’t they let us breathe?”
“You make enough noise with the plastic in the way, I’d hate to think what it’d be like without it.” Kyungsoo says mildly.
“What does breathable mean, anyway?” Yixing ponders. “We can’t breathe.”
“It means air can pass through them, Xing.” Joonmyeon informs him kindly.
Yixing does his confused jingle. “But they’re made of fabric. Fabric has holes in. Of course they’re breathable.”
Tao is just about to launch into a lecture on different fabric types and the importance of all-natural materials for intimate clothing like Jongin and Sehun when he’s rudely interrupted by Baekhyun.
“Don’t worry about it Yixing. All you need to know is they let the farts out easier.”
“Oh, thanks! That makes a lot more sense now.” Yixing jingles brightly. “Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”
Kyungsoo looks very much like he wants to rip his own stuffing out at the whole exchange and Tao, very much outraged, swishes angrily in Sehun and Jongin's direction. "Aren't you going to say something?"
"It's pretty much true though." Sehun says. "We are made to be fart-permeable."
"That and letting the man junk air out." Jongin adds helpfully.
Tao sneers. "You two are disgusting. Remind me never to talk to you guys again."
Sehun and Jongin simply snap their waistbands together in a facsimile of the high five they saw Minseok and Lu Han do and laugh.
"Suho-umma! Sehun and Jongin are being disgusting again!" Tao wails. Joonmyeon gives them a disapproving look - the light glints menacingly off his lenses and everything. Predictably though, it just makes them laugh even harder.
6.
“Did you see that customer that just tried me on?” Tao says scornfully. “He hadn’t bathed in a week.”
“Roses really smell like poo.” Jongdae agrees mournfully.
"...what?"
"Stop crying your eyes out, one day your prince will come." Jongdae continues.
"Ooh, a mash up." Baekhyun whispers too low for anyone else but Jongdae to hear. "I like it."
"Riiiiight. I'm going to talk to Joonmyeon now." Tao swishes patronisingly.
"So long and thanks for all the fish!" Jongdae yells at him.
Baekhyun has to stifle his giggles. "I love this idea. I'm a genius." He manages between chuckles.
"Wow, fantastic baby." Jongdae agrees mischievously. "I hope you have the time of your life."
7.
Chanyeol has a mission.
“If I could just get him to try me on… He’d love me, guys. I know he would. I just fit in so well with his style, and his ears always look so cold…”
“Oh Gucci. Is he talking about Minseok again?” Joonmyeon sighs from the stand next to Chanyeol’s.
Kyungsoo shrugs. (well, rustles a bit. The intention is there) “No idea. I tune out as soon as he starts speaking.”
“Hey!” Chanyeol says, miffed. “I heard that, Kyungsoo!”
“And yet you still continue talking.” Kyungsoo replies disinterestedly.
“Baaaaeeek, Soo’s being mean to me!”
“Don’t call me Soo.”
“I would really love to care, Channie, I really would," Baek says, "but Soo-"
"Don't call me Soo!" Kyungsoo hisses.
"-Soo is mean to you at least twenty times a day and if I started to care one time soon I'd be obligated to care all the other times too and I just don't think I've got the energy to spare to do that."
Chanyeol starts to droop on the hat stand.
"Channie I still love you! I just have to think of myself as well, you know?" Baekhyun assures him hurriedly.
"When don't you?" Kyungsoo snaps. “All I hear every day is you going on about yourself, I need this, I want that. Don’t you ever think that maybe you should get your trouser legs out of your arse and think about how someone else feels for once?”
The shop goes silent. Minseok and Lu Han are downstairs on the shop floor with them but even they are quiet. It’s eerie.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.” Baekhyun says quietly. "Chen, can we turn around please? Just for a little bit?”
Shocked, Jongdae agrees immediately and they twizzle on their hanger to face away from the rest of the shop.
“Soo?” Chanyeol asks, confused. “What just happened?”
“Baekhyun crossed the line.” Kyungsoo says adamantly. “He’ll get over it soon enough.”
He refuses to elaborate no matter how much Chanyeol pesters him about why he was so mean to Baekhyun this time. He’s never like this when Baekhyun attacks him directly.
Oh, Chanyeol thinks. Oh.
Chanyeol smiles to himself the rest of the day.
8.
The clothes of EXO shop have a game they like to play. It gets very boring at night when there’s nobody there to try them on or fuss over them like Minseok and Lu Han do so they often end up making their own fun. It was Jongdae’s idea. (All the best ones are, he oft thinks to himself.)
The game is very simple. All it involves is taking two or more of the items and making an outfit with them. Then they have to guess what type of person would wear that outfit.
“Kyungsoo and Se-in.” Joonmyeon calls out.
“Hey! We’re not one thing you know!” Sehun whines. “Just because we come in a set doesn’t mean we’re not separate items too. I don’t see you calling Baekhyun and Jongdae ‘Baekdae’.”
“Yeah! Use our separate names.” Jongin seconds.
Joonmyeon sighs in a long-suffering manner.
“Fine. Kyungsoo and ‘Sehun and Jongin’.”
“But why would he be wearing both of them?” Jongdae butts in, innocently. “Surely he’d only be wearing one of them.”
He watches the irritated tick of Joonmyeon’s arms snapping back and forth with glee.
“Oh for the love of Gucci…” Joonmyeon snaps, frustrated. “KYUNGSOO AND SEHUN OR JONGIN.”
“Flasher!” Yixing yells happily. They all turn to look at him. He blinks. “What? What did I say?”
Jongdae, typically, is the one to start laughing first. “That’s perfect!”
Soon all the rest of the shop is roaring with laughter too, jingles jangling and stuffing fluffing as they do so. Even Yixing joins in, though it's quite clear to everyone he has no idea what's actually funny and is just laughing along for the sake of it.
Of course this is the moment where Minseok and Lu Han decide to come back from their break in the back room.
"Minnie." Lu Han whimpers, hiding behind Minseok. "I think the shop is possessed."
Minseok merely rolls his eyes and prises Lu Han off his arm where he clings like a very startled panda. Silently he vows never to let Lu Han watch horror films ever again.
9.
“Tao and Jongdae.”
“Blind.” Tao sniffs. “They’d have to be to think our prints go together.”
10.
Lu Han likes Yixing. As always Yixing is adorably oblivious, but everyone knows. When Lu Han is bustling around in the evening, making sure everything is back in its proper place, his fingers linger longer on Yixing. His eyes flicker over when he sees anyone pick Yixing up and he seems to breathe a sigh of relief when they put him back on the jewellery rack.
“If you like it so much, why don’t you just buy it?” Minseok teases.
Lu Han worries his lip. “I don’t know… It’s so expensive. Even with the employee discount I don’t think I can afford it.”
“Come on…” Minseok wheedles. “You’d get tons of wear out of it.”
Lu Han snorts. “I’ll buy it when you buy that hat.”
(“Is that me?” Chanyeol squeals in the background. “Are they talking about me? I knew he liked me!”
“Shut up Chanyeol!”)
Minseok arches a brow. “Is that a challenge, Señor Lu?”
“If you choose to take it as such, Monsieur Kim. If you are brave enough.”
“I am never one to back down from a dare, Sir. I resent that implication.” Minseok sniffs.
“Then we are agreed.”
“That we are.”
“A hat for you, a bracelet for me.”
“Even if we must eat beans for the rest of the term.”
“Done.”
They look at each other and burst out laughing.
“I can’t believe we just dared each other into buying accessories.” Minseok chuckles.
Lu Han sighs dramatically and swoons. “Ah, the life of a broke student. Glamorous to the last.”
Minseok shakes his head. "You are such a drama queen."
"King, Minnie. Drama king."
11.
“Jongdae and Baekhyun.” Yixing proposes.
“Er, Xing,” Jongdae says gently, “the game doesn’t really work like that - you have to propose things that don’t come in sets.”
“But you and Baekhyun are meant to be together!” Yixing cries out, very distressed. “I don’t like to think of the two of you not being together!”
“It’s just a game, Xing.” Jongdae soothes. “Me and Baek aren’t going to be separated.”
“But I don’t like you being with anyone else either! That’s cheating on him, and he doesn’t deserve that!” Yixing is almost at the point of shaking now he’s so upset and Jongdae honestly doesn’t know what to do to calm him down.
“It’s not real, it’s just for fun, so I won’t have ‘cheated’ on him.” He tries.
Yixing’s mood darkens. “Are you saying that if it’s not serious it’s not cheating? Are you saying that you can have your bit on the side and not fear the consequences because it’s all just a little bit of fun?”
“Dude, chill.” Jongdae holds his sleeves up in a defensive gesture. “I don’t have any ‘bits on the side’.”
“You’d better not.” Yixing jingles threateningly. “Or else.”
In general, Yixing is not threatening. He’s made of hemp, for pity’s sake, he’s about as mellow as a marshmallow and twice as sweet. But in that moment Jongdae genuinely has fear that Yixing will carry through on his threat. He throws his sleeve up in a mock salute.
“That’ll do.” Yixing says as Lu Han carries him off to another part of the shop.
It takes a minute or two before Jongdae relaxes enough to let his sleeve fall to his side and even then he follows Yixing’s movement round the room like a hawk. This new Yixing is scary.
“Jesus Christ. What has Lu Han been letting him watch?” He mutters to himself.
12.
Lu Han is a coward. Or rather, Lu Han is coward when it comes to anything that remotely relates to the supernatural which leads, rather naturally, to Jongdae and Baekhyun rustling and making ghost noises anytime he's near.
It soon escalates into a competition to see who can make him jump the highest and squeak the loudest, no matter how much Joonmyeon, Yixing and Sehun try to get them to stop. (Admittedly, Sehun doesn't try very hard and his cries of 'hyungs, I think he might wet himself if you don't stop!' are rather more counterproductive than anything else but hey, the thought is there.)
One time Lu Han is hoovering the shop floor when he gets close to Jongdae and Baekhyun's hanger.
"Watch this." Jongdae whispers to Baekhyun.
He waits until Lu Han comes right close to them. His back is to them and he never suspects a thing.
Suddenly Jongdae flips his sleeves over Lu Han's shoulders.
Lu Han's shriek is enough to shatter glass and Baekhyun and Jongdae burst out laughing.
"Oh, you have definitely won now." Baekhyun says in between bouts of laughter.
"Lu? Are you okay?" Minseok pants, frantic, having run down from the stock room upon hearing Lu Han's manly shout. Upon seeing Lu Han he frowns. "...why are you hiding in the puffer jacket?"
"Something touched me!" Lu Han sniffles.
"Oh, Lu-baby." Minseok walks over to Kyungsoo and gently unwraps Lu Han from where he's bundled himself up. "C'mere."
Lu Han falls into his friend's arms, shaking and terrified and Jongdae starts to feel guilt slide cold and slimy down his zip.
"You two are arseholes." Kyungsoo hisses. "And usually that's okay, but you've gone too far this time."
Jongdae says nothing. He has nothing to say, because he can't help but feel that Kyungsoo is right.
Skip to a week later and Lu Han has been distracted all day, looking down very intently at his phone and making notes on a pad of paper at the checkout. Jongdae tried to enlist Sehun and Jongin, who sit closest, to see what he was writing but he kept covering the list with old receipts and stock invoices and they couldn’t see a thing. All their questions are answered however, when Minseok goes upstairs to see if there's a spare light bulb because the one in the dressing rooms had broken.
Looking around nervously Lu Han dials a number into his phone and holds it up to his ear.
“Mr Kim?” Lu Han says, talking quietly into the phone. “It says on your website you are an expert in ghosts? I think my shop is haunted.”
Jongdae and Baekhyun share a look.
Oh shit.
13.
"Chanyeol and Kyungsoo?" Tao suggests.
"Polar explorer, obviously." Baekhyun snorts.
He waits for the inevitable explosion from Kyungsoo.
And waits.
And waits.
"Hey, aren't you going to snap at me or anything?" He snaps, finally getting bored.
Kyungsoo shrugs. "I quite like penguins."
14.
"Avast me hearties!" Jongdae yells. "There be a landlubber on the horizon!"
He points with his sleeve to a customer just walking through the door to EXO.
"Be he here to take one of our brethren?" Baekhyun exclaims.
“If ‘tis so he must know we shall not let him leave without a fight! I have my trusty cutlass close at sleeve and pity shall not stay me hand.” Jongdae shakes his imaginary cutlass in the air ferociously and Joonmyeon scowls at him.
“You shouldn’t move while customers are present.” He nags.
“Fear not, wench-” Joonmyeon gasps in outrage, “-they be not looking. Ye be safe.” Jongdae shakes his imaginary cutlass again, this time in Joonmyeon’s direction. “For now.”
"Why are you talking like pirates?" Tao asks curiously.
"It be national talk like a pirate day!" Jongdae chips in cheerily.
"Of course it is." Joonmyeon says with a long suffering air.
Jongdae and Baekhyun grin.
15.
The best thing about Lu Han buying Yixing is that he always wears him to work.
“Yixing!” They chorus the first time he comes in after his purchase.
Yixing jingles happily from where he sits around Lu Han’s wrist. “Hey guys!”
“How’s it going?”
“It’s amazing!” Yixing gushes. “He wears me all the time, and plays with me all the time too. I don’t even think he realises he’s doing it… He even has a nickname for me! He calls me Lay! Isn’t that cute?”
“Yeah, cute.” Kyungsoo mutters. “That’s one word for it.”
“Shh!” Joonmyeon scolds as quietly as possible even though it doesn’t seem like Yixing heard. “Don’t be mean to Yixing.”
“Why do you never tell him off when it’s me he’s being mean to?” Chanyeol pouts.
“You’re not as cute as Yixing.” Joonmyeon mutters.
“Yixing’s not as annoying as you.” Baekhyun and Kyungsoo say at the same time. They look at each other, startled.
"I'm not as annoying as who?" Yixing asks, as adorably confused as ever.
"Doesn't matter Xing Xing. Weren't you telling us about that time he almost forgot you were there?" Joonmyeon deflects skilfully. Jongdae gives him a sleeves-up behind Lu Han's back when Yixing isn't looking.
"Oh, yeah." Yixing says. "He went to go put his jumper on and he forgot I was there and I caught on the sleeve-" Jongdae winces involuntarily, "-then he panicked trying to get me free." Yixing sighs dreamily.
"Does he ever take you off?” Jongdae asks incredulously.
“No.” Yixing sighs happily.
“Not even to shag-" Jongdae starts before Baekhyun slaps him. "Ow! To shower?”
“Nope!” Yixing does his happy jingle. “Isn’t it great?”
Even Sehun and Jongin, who are pretty much resigned to being worn all the time and in not-so-sanitary places, look slightly disturbed. Nobody says that though. Nobody wants to burst Yixing’s bubble.
"Yeah... Great." Joonmyeon says, wincing.
Jongdae watches Lu Han bustle round the shop and says what they're all thinking. He shakes his head. "Dirty bastard."
16.
A week later, Minseok approaches the hat stand with a determined look on his face. With extreme care he eases Chanyeol down and pulls him over his own head. Chanyeol is practically quivering in excitement. If he had a mouth Jongdae would but it'd be stretched right open and smiling full of teeth. The image is a little scary.
Kyungsoo is still sulking when Minseok leaves for the day, Chanyeol still perched happily and loudly atop his head. He went out belting a version of ‘My Way’ in a key he appeared to have invented himself, at decibels loud enough the wake dead and didn’t notice Kyungsoo’s huffing at all, which just served to make Kyungsoo even more miffed.
“Don’t worry Soo, you’ll see him again.” Baekhyun says gently. “They always put the air-con too high, so Minnie’s bound to wear him to work.”
Everyone stops and stares.
“What?” Baekhyun snaps. “I’m not an arsehole all the time.”
“Don’t call me Soo.” Kyungsoo grumps, but there’s a warmth that colours his tone that hasn’t been there before and Baekhyun practically glows orange he’s so pleased.
“You’re welcome.” Baekhyun says bashfully.
"I think the world might be ending." Jongdae says fearfully. The other clothes can't help but agree.
17.
“Tao and Joonmyeon.”
“Hipster.” Jongdae calls out. “The pretentious, posing kind.”
18.
One day a very pretty man named Ryeowook turns up at EXO. Minseok knows this because the first thing that the man does is hand over his business card.
"Kim Ryeowook, ghost hunter, at your service." He says, handing the little square over with a flourish.
"Lu." Minseok admonishes. "You didn't."
Lu Han at least has the decency to look sheepish for all of five seconds before explaining - “The shop really is haunted though!”
Minseok gives him a stern look.
Ryeowook, using his super-heightened powers of prediction and observation, senses something dark and ominous hanging in the air and moves to look round the rest of the shop. “I’ll just go do a preliminary survey.” He says, jerking his thumb in the direction of the shop floor.
“You do that.” Minseok replies, saccharine sweet. “I’ll just be here. Talking to Lu Han.”
Ryeowook nods and heads off. He doesn’t get far before he’s stopped dead in his tracks because the moment he sees Kyungsoo he falls in love.
"I'll just need to take this in here," he gestures to the changing room, "to get a better reading on it."
"Of course." Minseok replies sardonically. "Go ahead."
After a goodly while Ryeowook appears from the dressing room, carrying Kyungsoo lovingly under his arm.
"How much is it?" He says with stars in his eyes.
"Um, but what abou-"
Minseok slaps a hand over Lu Han's mouth and smiles his best salesman's smile. "That would be one hundred and twenty thousand won please."
Ryeowook visibly wilts.
"I am but a poor ghostbuster." He says pitifully. "That's more than I make in a week."
"I'm sorry but that's the price. It's a one-of-a-kind item." Minseok says forcefully. He pinches Lu Han's side for good measure because he could see him start to break under the puppy eyes this man has brought out.
"Oh I can see that." Ryeowook says with admiration in his voice. "Duck down stuffing, silk lined. This is the puffer coat of kings. What I wouldn't give to own it..."
Kyungsoo fluffs his stuffing slightly. Everyone else stares.
"You're silk lined?" Baekhyun says faintly.
"You gonna show us?" Jongdae asks, as innocently as he can.
"Of course not!" Kyungsoo says, outraged. If possible he folds even further in on himself. "Some clothing may go around flashing their lining at people but I am not that type of coat!"
Baekhyun looks completely unabashed. "They're going to be seeing it anyway, so why not give them a little preview? Nothing wrong with that. Now give us a flash, flasher mac."
"No."
"C'mon," Baekhyun wheedles, "you've seen mine!"
"Who hasn't?"
Baekhyun splutters. "Plenty of people!"
"I haven't." Jongdae says sulkily.
"Oh c'mon, you can't be upset about that!" Baekhyun exclaims. "You have the exact same lining!"
“Guys, shh!” Joonmyeon hushes. “I can’t hear what they’re saying.”
To his great surprise both of them shut up immediately.
"There is definitely something strange about this shop." Ryeowook is saying. "But I will have to come back with my full toolkit since this was just a preliminary investigation."
"And how much will that cost." Minseok asks shrewdly. "About one hundred and twenty thousand won perhaps?"
"It's a difficult case." Ryeowook replies seriously. “It merits the price tag, believe me.”
Minseok isn’t sure if he’s talking about the coat or the job.
“How about this,” Minsoek proposes. “Five sessions here at the shop, and we’ll give you the coat.”
Ryeowook narrows his eyes. “Three, and you throw in a special bag to carry him in.”
“Four, the bag, and we’ll steam clean him for you for free.”
“Deal.” Ryeowook reaches out his hand and shakes Minseok’s. He smiles prettily. “I’ll see you tomorrow for the first consultation.”
Kyungsoo squishes happily under Ryeowook’s arm. He’s finally getting an owner. Ryeowook turns and heads to the door, happy with the deal made and excited for the soon-to-be-his coat.
“Oi!” Minseok calls. “Leave the coat here with me, thief.”
“Damn.” Ryeowook turns to Minseok and smiles sheepishly. “It was worth a shot.”
19.
One night Minseok and Lu Han forget to turn off the music that blasts through the shop during the day. By a stroke of luck Minseok has also forgotten Chanyeol.
"PAAAAARTAAAAAAAY!!!" Chanyeol shouts. "The Chanster is in the house and it's time to rock out!"
"Oh Gucci no." Joonmyeon whispers. No one pays any attention to him though, too busy enjoying the freedom to finally move to the music.
Jongdae is flailing his sleeves about looking more like a windmill than anything else, Baekhyun is waving his legs smoothly, Chanyeol's ear flaps are flapping in time to the beat and Kyungsoo is kind of squishing along happily. The maknaes are rather confined in their packaging but make a good go of it anyway, snapping their waistbands and stretching perfectly in time with one another and the music.
By the fifth song even Joonmyeon is snapping his arms to the beat and Tao has abandoned looking cool for swishing rapidly.
By the twelfth Jongdae and Baekhyun are clutching each other and singing along as they sway.
"And Iiiiiiiiiii-eeee-ayyyy will allllways love yoooooooouuuuu!!" They wail in sync.
"So beautiful." Chanyeol sniffles. "Guys, I love you. Let's stay up ask night and sing and dance and live!"
"Yeah!" Everyone choruses.
They give it their best shot.
Chanyeol raps the whole of ’99 problems’ replacing the word ‘bitch’ with ‘zip’.
In a surprise move Kyungsoo dedicates his rendition of 'I got a boy' to Baekhyun and can actually hold a tune. More than hold a tune.
Joonmyeon just cries. A lot.
In the end they fall asleep before they can get all the way through the playlist, but there was no doubt that a good time was had by all.
The next Minseok and Lu Han come to the shop and find it in complete disarray. Tao is slung over Joonmyeon, who sits on top of the hat stand. Baekhyun and Jongdae have somehow managed to zip themselves inside Kyungsoo and Sehun and Jongin are laying face down on the checkout desk next to Chanyeol. It's a mess.
"Lu?" Minseok asks without taking his eyes off the shop floor. "Do you still have that Ryeowook guy's number?"
20.
Due to the large portion of their customers who come through the door with the sole objective of flirting with Lu Han, Jongdae has an impressive arsenal of pick up lines just ready and waiting to be used. All he needs now is a victim.
"So..." Jongdae starts.
"Yeah?" Joonmyeon says distractedly. He's been attempting to understand the rules of the new game Sehun, Jongin and Tao have invented so that he can referee but isn't having much success.
"Call me Pooh, ‘cause all I want is you, honey.”
“ I'm not quite following...?” Joonmyeon isn’t really paying any attention and Baekhyun has to stifle his giggles from where he sits below Jongdae.
“If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.” Jongdae presses on.
“…what?” Joonmyeon has turned his full attention away from the three squabbling babies in front of him and now to Jongdae.
“I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me.” He insists.
“I’m a pair of glasses?” Joonmyeon answers unsurely. “I don’t need vitamins?”
By this point Baekhyun is having to stifle his laughs with his trouser legs.
“You know what, you’re very busy,” Jongdae gestures to Sehun, Jongin and Tao, “So I’ll leave you to it, shall I?”
"Er, right." Joonmyeon risks a frazzled look back at his three bickering children. "Thanks."
"I told you he wouldn't get it." Baekhyun snickers.
"Yeah, yeah. You win. I shouldn't have overestimated you, Old Man Suho."
"You remember the deal?"
"I remember." Jongdae shudders. "I promise to refer to you as 'My Rightful Lord Baekhyun' from now on."
"And Soo?" Baekhyun presses.
Jongdae sighs. "As 'Fashion Terrorist Peasant'."
Baekhyun cackles evilly. "I'm going to enjoy this. He's going to kill you."
It's times like this Jongdae really wishes he didn't know Baekhyun.
21.
“Baekhyun smells
He is really annoying
New set please”
A haiku by Kim Jongdae.
“Washing is important.
Please do so before you next come to the shop.
You almost made Kyungsoo cry your hair was so greasy and that isn’t cool at all.
Please, please wash.”
A wish by Kim Jongdae.
“Clothing that’s hip
Clothing that’s cool
Clothing for skating
And clothing for school
Scarves that are haughty,
Hats that are loud,
Find it all at EXO
Our prices are sound!!”
A jingle by Kim Jongdae.
22.
Jongdae is the best. This is better than the time he dared Chanyeol to turn himself inside out and sit on the hat stand (the mannequin looked like a werewolf, it was great) and the time Minseok had gone a little bit overkill with the air freshener and they’d all got a bit high. It was better than the two of them combined.
He’s managed to convince everyone that for his birthday they should only talk in lines that come from Disney songs or films. It’s brilliant. More than that, it’s genius.
“If there’s a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I’ve already won that.” Joonmyeon sighs. I never should have agreed to this in the first place.
“I want to be part of their world.” Baekhyun agrees. I’d rather be doing anything but this.
“Who do you think you’re kidding, he’s the earth and heaven to you.” Jongdae grins. You know you love me really.
“You think I’m an ignorant savage.” Joonmyeon replies. I’m not stupid, and I never would have agreed had you not blackmailed me.
“It was the gypsy girl, the witch who set this flame.” It’s really all Baekhyun’s fault. He started it.
“Be a man.” Stop putting all the blame on me! You didn’t have to act on it.
“Let it go.” Er, let it go.
“So many times out there, I see a happy pair of lovers walking in the night.” Jongin peaks out from behind Sehun. “Please stop fighting. It’s supposed to be hyung’s birthday.
“War, huh. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.” Sehun pitches in.
“Sehun!” Everyone whines.
Sehun at least has the decency to look sheepish. “Sorry hyungs. I’m no good at thinking on the spot.”
“Deception.” Baekhyun starts.
“Disgrace.” Chanyeol now.
“Evil as plain as the scar on his face.” Tao finishes gleefully.
“That’s a bit harsh isn’t it?” Joonmyeon clacks his arms together disapprovingly.
“Hyung!” Jongin whines. “That’s not Disney either!”
Jongdae simply watches all of them squabbling and laughing together and feels the happiness well up in his breast.
“Happy birthday, Kim Jongdae.” He says to himself. “I think it’s your best one yet.”
Fin.
Author’s note: Thank you so much for this prompt! I don’t know whether I’ve done it justice but I had lots of fun. I’m sorry about the EXO-harem. Everyone’s just loving everyone here… (even if Kyungsoo tries not to show it :P ) Thank you to N for reading this over for me!
Title: Poppin’ Tags
Pairings: All of these are really slight… OT11 love? BaekChen, SeKai, LayHan, Xiuhan, Xiuyeol, ChanSoo, SuLay… EVERY PAIRING EVER (er, and slight ryeowook/kyungsoo...?)
Rating: PG13
Warnings: None, except extreme silliness. There be crack ahead. Ye have been warned.
Word Count: ~6300
Summary: In a hip hip place there was a hip hip shop and in the hip hip shop there was some hip hip clothes and the hip hip clothes were… EXO?
Once upon a time, in a very trendy but yet still alternative and hip part of Seoul, there was a shop.
This shop was special for many reasons, not least its refusal to stock more than one of any of the items in its range much to the chagrin of some of its customers. Minseok and Lu Han however, the poor boys charged by the rather eccentric owner with running the enterprise, don’t mind in the least - it makes stock check so much easier when it’s either ‘not sold yet’ or ‘SOLD OUT’.
In any case, there was another reason why EXO, as the shop was called, was special.
Its clothes were alive.
Nobody knows how it happened or why it happened, but there was a select collection of the already rather select collection that made up the inventory of EXO that appeared to have come to life. There were nine of them in total. Nine articles of clothing that thought, spoke and moved as would a living thing, and these are some of their stories.
1.
Jongdae does not ever remember not being alive. He doesn't remember getting stitched together either though, something he's rather grateful for. He's seen the way Minseok handles a needle when he had to sew up part of Lu Han's football uniform that one time and all Jongdae can think is 'thank god I wasn't awake for that.'
He's not particularly interested in how he came to be, or even why he can talk. He knows the basics and that is enough for him. He knows he is a very hip sweater in a very hip set in a very hip shop. Hip to the power three. Who could ask for anything more?
More specifically Jongdae is a zip up hoodie in leopard print with black pocket edges with yellow triangles printed on and black cuffs. He has two little pointed ears appearing out of the top of his hood and all in all he’s pretty damn fly, even if he does say so himself.
Tao, on the other hand, is a graphic print scarf. He is long and floaty. He has artfully tasselled edges. He is patterned with a conglomerate of triangles of various sizes and shades of grey. He is a hipster’s wet dream. Being the only other item with a pattern, likes to think he’s the expert on such things and reliably informs Jongdae that he and Baekhyun, Jongdae's bottom half and partner in crime, are 'faux leopard print in a dusky orange'. Jongae doesn't really care about that. His print is a part of him, yes, but it doesn't define him.
He knows that he is, to all outward appearances, a zip up sweater with black arm cuffs and a hood with little ears, but that's not who he is. He is Kim Jongdae, vocal artiste, prankster extraordinaire and, in his opinion, the best thing that ever happened to EXO shop.
Hey, he never claimed to be modest.
2.
Kyungsoo is a floor length black puffer jacket. None of them really know why the designers of such a fashionable, hip and stylish establishment as the one they belong to thought that this was a good stylistic choice, but here Kyungsoo is.
Baekhyun especially likes to tease Kyungsoo on his lack of fashion. Jongdae isn’t really sure why, because it never, ever ends well for Baekhyun - despite his deceptively squishy and harmless appearance Kyunsoo’s words are barbed and he never pulls any punches.
Exhibit A:
“Why hello there Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun calls cheekily. “You’re looking awfully unfashionable today.”
“And yet I still have more people trying me on than you.” Kyungsoo replies in that mild tone of his.
“Oooh, burn.” Jongdae calls out, earning a thwack from one of Baekhyun's trouser legs for his sass.
Exhibit B:
A siren wails past the shop and Baekhyun perks up with glee.
“Hey Soo, did you hear that? It’s the sound of the fashion police!”
“Are you sure they aren’t here to arrest you for your jokes? Because they are criminally bad.” Kyungsoo replies, completely at ease and uninterested.
Jongdae flips the mental scoreboard over in his head. “So that’s Kyungsoo: 120, Baekhyun: -5.” He mutters to himself. Of course Baekhyun being so close he overhears.
“Hey! Why am I negative? Soo’s the one who’s negative all the time.” He complains.
“You are negative. You’re certainly not a plus.” Kyungsoo fires back.
“I bring light and laughter to this shop I’ll have you know!”
“If they were laughing at you maybe.”
Up on the glasses rack Joonmyeon, a pair of vanity glasses, snaps his arms in annoyance because he has heard enough of their bickering to last him a lifetime.
"Stop squabbling!" He shouts over them. It's about as effective as using Joonmyeon to read a book would be - it's no use at all.
"Is it because I'm not a real pair of glasses?" Joonmyeon laments, mostly to himself. "Because I am beautiful but not functional?"
"Don't worry Joonmyeon-umma." Tao consoles him. "It's not you, they don't listen to anybody."
"They keep calling me square," Joonmyeon frets, "but I can't help that! I didn't design myself."
"You know what'll make you feel better?" Tao says soothingly. "Meditation with Yixing. You're getting too stressed over this."
"You're right. What a good kid you are, looking out for your umma." Joonmyeon says tiredly but proudly.
Tao swishes happily in response. He loves his umma.
3.
Yixing is beautiful. Hand-crafted (it says so on his label) from hemp twine and hand-painted wooden beads, he has an understated charm. There are other bracelets in the shop far shinier and eye-catching but nothing compares to the workmanship and love that has clearly gone into Yixing's construction. He just radiates love.
It's probably for this reason that he has become the shop's unofficial counsellor. Not for his advice, which is nearly always the same ('don't worry, be happy', which is rather easier said than done) but for a chance to bask in the laid back and loving atmosphere which surrounds him.
Joonmyeon, slightly more anxious than most, takes advantage of this most often. He also claims it's because Yixing makes a really pretty sound when he jingles and it's much nicer than having to listen to all his other friends bicker or banter or whatever it is they call it. Which is fair enough.
The loudest of all, and the one that most makes Joonmyeon want to smash his lenses against a wall, is Chanyeol.
Chanyeol is a plaid hunter hat, completely fur lined and, mostly importantly, completely waterproof so he is perfectly adapted for all winter weather. As all hunter hats do he has ear flaps which come down and cover the ears and a peak which is tilted back against the forehead of the hat to show off his lining. For such a loud item he’s surprisingly tastefully coloured - his plaid lining is green and blue, his fur grey. It’s so peaceful and calming… until he starts talking. While he's not like Baekhyun, who seems incapable of ever shutting up, he is very, very loud. It's almost like he can't hear himself speak.
Well, he does have ear flaps lined with fluff, Joonmyeon chuckles to himself.
"What are you chuckling at?" Jongdae asks curiously.
"Oh, nothing. Just that Chanyeol is so loud because he has fluffy lining in his ear flaps. He can't hear because his ears are full of fluff!" Joonmyeon chokes out, laughing quite hard as he does so.
A pause.
“…right.” Jongdae says slowly. “You do realise none of have ears, right?”
Joonmyeon stops laughing nervously. “Oh, yes. Right.”
4.
Mostly, Jongdae likes being in a set. It’s hard to explain to the singular items what exactly he likes about it, because they don’t really have any frame of reference for the things he talks about. What would Chanyeol, who sits on his hat stand all day devoid from any kind of interaction with other clothing, know about the comfort that comes from letting your hems touch?
Admittedly, his and Baekhyun's case is not nearly so extreme as Jongin and Sehun’s, tucked neatly in their two-for-one boxers packaging. He’s never actually seen any more of Jongin than his dark waistband. The rest is hidden behind Sehun. He supposes that it’s not a bad thing - they’re boxer briefs for Gucci’s sake, they’re designed to be intimate.
When Jongdae thinks of what that’d be like though, the feeling of hems touching extending to the rest of him… Jongdae loves Baekhyun, he really does, but he’s pretty sure he’d strangle him with his sleeves if he had to be that close to him all the time.
Obviously, Jongdae is aware of the fact he is a jumper. One day he will be placed over a t-shirt and there will be contact. It won’t be the same one every time though and he’ll only have to deal with it for 12 hours tops. Unlike with Baekhyun.
Sometimes he thinks that he’s only annoyed with Baekhyun because they have no choice but to be together. All the time.
But mostly he thinks it’s because Baekhyun is an annoying little shit.
5.
Another thing to know about Sehun is he hates his packaging.
“We’re made of breathable fabric,” Sehun whines, “So why won’t they let us breathe?”
“You make enough noise with the plastic in the way, I’d hate to think what it’d be like without it.” Kyungsoo says mildly.
“What does breathable mean, anyway?” Yixing ponders. “We can’t breathe.”
“It means air can pass through them, Xing.” Joonmyeon informs him kindly.
Yixing does his confused jingle. “But they’re made of fabric. Fabric has holes in. Of course they’re breathable.”
Tao is just about to launch into a lecture on different fabric types and the importance of all-natural materials for intimate clothing like Jongin and Sehun when he’s rudely interrupted by Baekhyun.
“Don’t worry about it Yixing. All you need to know is they let the farts out easier.”
“Oh, thanks! That makes a lot more sense now.” Yixing jingles brightly. “Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”
Kyungsoo looks very much like he wants to rip his own stuffing out at the whole exchange and Tao, very much outraged, swishes angrily in Sehun and Jongin's direction. "Aren't you going to say something?"
"It's pretty much true though." Sehun says. "We are made to be fart-permeable."
"That and letting the man junk air out." Jongin adds helpfully.
Tao sneers. "You two are disgusting. Remind me never to talk to you guys again."
Sehun and Jongin simply snap their waistbands together in a facsimile of the high five they saw Minseok and Lu Han do and laugh.
"Suho-umma! Sehun and Jongin are being disgusting again!" Tao wails. Joonmyeon gives them a disapproving look - the light glints menacingly off his lenses and everything. Predictably though, it just makes them laugh even harder.
6.
“Did you see that customer that just tried me on?” Tao says scornfully. “He hadn’t bathed in a week.”
“Roses really smell like poo.” Jongdae agrees mournfully.
"...what?"
"Stop crying your eyes out, one day your prince will come." Jongdae continues.
"Ooh, a mash up." Baekhyun whispers too low for anyone else but Jongdae to hear. "I like it."
"Riiiiight. I'm going to talk to Joonmyeon now." Tao swishes patronisingly.
"So long and thanks for all the fish!" Jongdae yells at him.
Baekhyun has to stifle his giggles. "I love this idea. I'm a genius." He manages between chuckles.
"Wow, fantastic baby." Jongdae agrees mischievously. "I hope you have the time of your life."
7.
Chanyeol has a mission.
“If I could just get him to try me on… He’d love me, guys. I know he would. I just fit in so well with his style, and his ears always look so cold…”
“Oh Gucci. Is he talking about Minseok again?” Joonmyeon sighs from the stand next to Chanyeol’s.
Kyungsoo shrugs. (well, rustles a bit. The intention is there) “No idea. I tune out as soon as he starts speaking.”
“Hey!” Chanyeol says, miffed. “I heard that, Kyungsoo!”
“And yet you still continue talking.” Kyungsoo replies disinterestedly.
“Baaaaeeek, Soo’s being mean to me!”
“Don’t call me Soo.”
“I would really love to care, Channie, I really would," Baek says, "but Soo-"
"Don't call me Soo!" Kyungsoo hisses.
"-Soo is mean to you at least twenty times a day and if I started to care one time soon I'd be obligated to care all the other times too and I just don't think I've got the energy to spare to do that."
Chanyeol starts to droop on the hat stand.
"Channie I still love you! I just have to think of myself as well, you know?" Baekhyun assures him hurriedly.
"When don't you?" Kyungsoo snaps. “All I hear every day is you going on about yourself, I need this, I want that. Don’t you ever think that maybe you should get your trouser legs out of your arse and think about how someone else feels for once?”
The shop goes silent. Minseok and Lu Han are downstairs on the shop floor with them but even they are quiet. It’s eerie.
“I didn’t know you felt that way.” Baekhyun says quietly. "Chen, can we turn around please? Just for a little bit?”
Shocked, Jongdae agrees immediately and they twizzle on their hanger to face away from the rest of the shop.
“Soo?” Chanyeol asks, confused. “What just happened?”
“Baekhyun crossed the line.” Kyungsoo says adamantly. “He’ll get over it soon enough.”
He refuses to elaborate no matter how much Chanyeol pesters him about why he was so mean to Baekhyun this time. He’s never like this when Baekhyun attacks him directly.
Oh, Chanyeol thinks. Oh.
Chanyeol smiles to himself the rest of the day.
8.
The clothes of EXO shop have a game they like to play. It gets very boring at night when there’s nobody there to try them on or fuss over them like Minseok and Lu Han do so they often end up making their own fun. It was Jongdae’s idea. (All the best ones are, he oft thinks to himself.)
The game is very simple. All it involves is taking two or more of the items and making an outfit with them. Then they have to guess what type of person would wear that outfit.
“Kyungsoo and Se-in.” Joonmyeon calls out.
“Hey! We’re not one thing you know!” Sehun whines. “Just because we come in a set doesn’t mean we’re not separate items too. I don’t see you calling Baekhyun and Jongdae ‘Baekdae’.”
“Yeah! Use our separate names.” Jongin seconds.
Joonmyeon sighs in a long-suffering manner.
“Fine. Kyungsoo and ‘Sehun and Jongin’.”
“But why would he be wearing both of them?” Jongdae butts in, innocently. “Surely he’d only be wearing one of them.”
He watches the irritated tick of Joonmyeon’s arms snapping back and forth with glee.
“Oh for the love of Gucci…” Joonmyeon snaps, frustrated. “KYUNGSOO AND SEHUN OR JONGIN.”
“Flasher!” Yixing yells happily. They all turn to look at him. He blinks. “What? What did I say?”
Jongdae, typically, is the one to start laughing first. “That’s perfect!”
Soon all the rest of the shop is roaring with laughter too, jingles jangling and stuffing fluffing as they do so. Even Yixing joins in, though it's quite clear to everyone he has no idea what's actually funny and is just laughing along for the sake of it.
Of course this is the moment where Minseok and Lu Han decide to come back from their break in the back room.
"Minnie." Lu Han whimpers, hiding behind Minseok. "I think the shop is possessed."
Minseok merely rolls his eyes and prises Lu Han off his arm where he clings like a very startled panda. Silently he vows never to let Lu Han watch horror films ever again.
9.
“Tao and Jongdae.”
“Blind.” Tao sniffs. “They’d have to be to think our prints go together.”
10.
Lu Han likes Yixing. As always Yixing is adorably oblivious, but everyone knows. When Lu Han is bustling around in the evening, making sure everything is back in its proper place, his fingers linger longer on Yixing. His eyes flicker over when he sees anyone pick Yixing up and he seems to breathe a sigh of relief when they put him back on the jewellery rack.
“If you like it so much, why don’t you just buy it?” Minseok teases.
Lu Han worries his lip. “I don’t know… It’s so expensive. Even with the employee discount I don’t think I can afford it.”
“Come on…” Minseok wheedles. “You’d get tons of wear out of it.”
Lu Han snorts. “I’ll buy it when you buy that hat.”
(“Is that me?” Chanyeol squeals in the background. “Are they talking about me? I knew he liked me!”
“Shut up Chanyeol!”)
Minseok arches a brow. “Is that a challenge, Señor Lu?”
“If you choose to take it as such, Monsieur Kim. If you are brave enough.”
“I am never one to back down from a dare, Sir. I resent that implication.” Minseok sniffs.
“Then we are agreed.”
“That we are.”
“A hat for you, a bracelet for me.”
“Even if we must eat beans for the rest of the term.”
“Done.”
They look at each other and burst out laughing.
“I can’t believe we just dared each other into buying accessories.” Minseok chuckles.
Lu Han sighs dramatically and swoons. “Ah, the life of a broke student. Glamorous to the last.”
Minseok shakes his head. "You are such a drama queen."
"King, Minnie. Drama king."
11.
“Jongdae and Baekhyun.” Yixing proposes.
“Er, Xing,” Jongdae says gently, “the game doesn’t really work like that - you have to propose things that don’t come in sets.”
“But you and Baekhyun are meant to be together!” Yixing cries out, very distressed. “I don’t like to think of the two of you not being together!”
“It’s just a game, Xing.” Jongdae soothes. “Me and Baek aren’t going to be separated.”
“But I don’t like you being with anyone else either! That’s cheating on him, and he doesn’t deserve that!” Yixing is almost at the point of shaking now he’s so upset and Jongdae honestly doesn’t know what to do to calm him down.
“It’s not real, it’s just for fun, so I won’t have ‘cheated’ on him.” He tries.
Yixing’s mood darkens. “Are you saying that if it’s not serious it’s not cheating? Are you saying that you can have your bit on the side and not fear the consequences because it’s all just a little bit of fun?”
“Dude, chill.” Jongdae holds his sleeves up in a defensive gesture. “I don’t have any ‘bits on the side’.”
“You’d better not.” Yixing jingles threateningly. “Or else.”
In general, Yixing is not threatening. He’s made of hemp, for pity’s sake, he’s about as mellow as a marshmallow and twice as sweet. But in that moment Jongdae genuinely has fear that Yixing will carry through on his threat. He throws his sleeve up in a mock salute.
“That’ll do.” Yixing says as Lu Han carries him off to another part of the shop.
It takes a minute or two before Jongdae relaxes enough to let his sleeve fall to his side and even then he follows Yixing’s movement round the room like a hawk. This new Yixing is scary.
“Jesus Christ. What has Lu Han been letting him watch?” He mutters to himself.
12.
Lu Han is a coward. Or rather, Lu Han is coward when it comes to anything that remotely relates to the supernatural which leads, rather naturally, to Jongdae and Baekhyun rustling and making ghost noises anytime he's near.
It soon escalates into a competition to see who can make him jump the highest and squeak the loudest, no matter how much Joonmyeon, Yixing and Sehun try to get them to stop. (Admittedly, Sehun doesn't try very hard and his cries of 'hyungs, I think he might wet himself if you don't stop!' are rather more counterproductive than anything else but hey, the thought is there.)
One time Lu Han is hoovering the shop floor when he gets close to Jongdae and Baekhyun's hanger.
"Watch this." Jongdae whispers to Baekhyun.
He waits until Lu Han comes right close to them. His back is to them and he never suspects a thing.
Suddenly Jongdae flips his sleeves over Lu Han's shoulders.
Lu Han's shriek is enough to shatter glass and Baekhyun and Jongdae burst out laughing.
"Oh, you have definitely won now." Baekhyun says in between bouts of laughter.
"Lu? Are you okay?" Minseok pants, frantic, having run down from the stock room upon hearing Lu Han's manly shout. Upon seeing Lu Han he frowns. "...why are you hiding in the puffer jacket?"
"Something touched me!" Lu Han sniffles.
"Oh, Lu-baby." Minseok walks over to Kyungsoo and gently unwraps Lu Han from where he's bundled himself up. "C'mere."
Lu Han falls into his friend's arms, shaking and terrified and Jongdae starts to feel guilt slide cold and slimy down his zip.
"You two are arseholes." Kyungsoo hisses. "And usually that's okay, but you've gone too far this time."
Jongdae says nothing. He has nothing to say, because he can't help but feel that Kyungsoo is right.
Skip to a week later and Lu Han has been distracted all day, looking down very intently at his phone and making notes on a pad of paper at the checkout. Jongdae tried to enlist Sehun and Jongin, who sit closest, to see what he was writing but he kept covering the list with old receipts and stock invoices and they couldn’t see a thing. All their questions are answered however, when Minseok goes upstairs to see if there's a spare light bulb because the one in the dressing rooms had broken.
Looking around nervously Lu Han dials a number into his phone and holds it up to his ear.
“Mr Kim?” Lu Han says, talking quietly into the phone. “It says on your website you are an expert in ghosts? I think my shop is haunted.”
Jongdae and Baekhyun share a look.
Oh shit.
13.
"Chanyeol and Kyungsoo?" Tao suggests.
"Polar explorer, obviously." Baekhyun snorts.
He waits for the inevitable explosion from Kyungsoo.
And waits.
And waits.
"Hey, aren't you going to snap at me or anything?" He snaps, finally getting bored.
Kyungsoo shrugs. "I quite like penguins."
14.
"Avast me hearties!" Jongdae yells. "There be a landlubber on the horizon!"
He points with his sleeve to a customer just walking through the door to EXO.
"Be he here to take one of our brethren?" Baekhyun exclaims.
“If ‘tis so he must know we shall not let him leave without a fight! I have my trusty cutlass close at sleeve and pity shall not stay me hand.” Jongdae shakes his imaginary cutlass in the air ferociously and Joonmyeon scowls at him.
“You shouldn’t move while customers are present.” He nags.
“Fear not, wench-” Joonmyeon gasps in outrage, “-they be not looking. Ye be safe.” Jongdae shakes his imaginary cutlass again, this time in Joonmyeon’s direction. “For now.”
"Why are you talking like pirates?" Tao asks curiously.
"It be national talk like a pirate day!" Jongdae chips in cheerily.
"Of course it is." Joonmyeon says with a long suffering air.
Jongdae and Baekhyun grin.
15.
The best thing about Lu Han buying Yixing is that he always wears him to work.
“Yixing!” They chorus the first time he comes in after his purchase.
Yixing jingles happily from where he sits around Lu Han’s wrist. “Hey guys!”
“How’s it going?”
“It’s amazing!” Yixing gushes. “He wears me all the time, and plays with me all the time too. I don’t even think he realises he’s doing it… He even has a nickname for me! He calls me Lay! Isn’t that cute?”
“Yeah, cute.” Kyungsoo mutters. “That’s one word for it.”
“Shh!” Joonmyeon scolds as quietly as possible even though it doesn’t seem like Yixing heard. “Don’t be mean to Yixing.”
“Why do you never tell him off when it’s me he’s being mean to?” Chanyeol pouts.
“You’re not as cute as Yixing.” Joonmyeon mutters.
“Yixing’s not as annoying as you.” Baekhyun and Kyungsoo say at the same time. They look at each other, startled.
"I'm not as annoying as who?" Yixing asks, as adorably confused as ever.
"Doesn't matter Xing Xing. Weren't you telling us about that time he almost forgot you were there?" Joonmyeon deflects skilfully. Jongdae gives him a sleeves-up behind Lu Han's back when Yixing isn't looking.
"Oh, yeah." Yixing says. "He went to go put his jumper on and he forgot I was there and I caught on the sleeve-" Jongdae winces involuntarily, "-then he panicked trying to get me free." Yixing sighs dreamily.
"Does he ever take you off?” Jongdae asks incredulously.
“No.” Yixing sighs happily.
“Not even to shag-" Jongdae starts before Baekhyun slaps him. "Ow! To shower?”
“Nope!” Yixing does his happy jingle. “Isn’t it great?”
Even Sehun and Jongin, who are pretty much resigned to being worn all the time and in not-so-sanitary places, look slightly disturbed. Nobody says that though. Nobody wants to burst Yixing’s bubble.
"Yeah... Great." Joonmyeon says, wincing.
Jongdae watches Lu Han bustle round the shop and says what they're all thinking. He shakes his head. "Dirty bastard."
16.
A week later, Minseok approaches the hat stand with a determined look on his face. With extreme care he eases Chanyeol down and pulls him over his own head. Chanyeol is practically quivering in excitement. If he had a mouth Jongdae would but it'd be stretched right open and smiling full of teeth. The image is a little scary.
Kyungsoo is still sulking when Minseok leaves for the day, Chanyeol still perched happily and loudly atop his head. He went out belting a version of ‘My Way’ in a key he appeared to have invented himself, at decibels loud enough the wake dead and didn’t notice Kyungsoo’s huffing at all, which just served to make Kyungsoo even more miffed.
“Don’t worry Soo, you’ll see him again.” Baekhyun says gently. “They always put the air-con too high, so Minnie’s bound to wear him to work.”
Everyone stops and stares.
“What?” Baekhyun snaps. “I’m not an arsehole all the time.”
“Don’t call me Soo.” Kyungsoo grumps, but there’s a warmth that colours his tone that hasn’t been there before and Baekhyun practically glows orange he’s so pleased.
“You’re welcome.” Baekhyun says bashfully.
"I think the world might be ending." Jongdae says fearfully. The other clothes can't help but agree.
17.
“Tao and Joonmyeon.”
“Hipster.” Jongdae calls out. “The pretentious, posing kind.”
18.
One day a very pretty man named Ryeowook turns up at EXO. Minseok knows this because the first thing that the man does is hand over his business card.
"Kim Ryeowook, ghost hunter, at your service." He says, handing the little square over with a flourish.
"Lu." Minseok admonishes. "You didn't."
Lu Han at least has the decency to look sheepish for all of five seconds before explaining - “The shop really is haunted though!”
Minseok gives him a stern look.
Ryeowook, using his super-heightened powers of prediction and observation, senses something dark and ominous hanging in the air and moves to look round the rest of the shop. “I’ll just go do a preliminary survey.” He says, jerking his thumb in the direction of the shop floor.
“You do that.” Minseok replies, saccharine sweet. “I’ll just be here. Talking to Lu Han.”
Ryeowook nods and heads off. He doesn’t get far before he’s stopped dead in his tracks because the moment he sees Kyungsoo he falls in love.
"I'll just need to take this in here," he gestures to the changing room, "to get a better reading on it."
"Of course." Minseok replies sardonically. "Go ahead."
After a goodly while Ryeowook appears from the dressing room, carrying Kyungsoo lovingly under his arm.
"How much is it?" He says with stars in his eyes.
"Um, but what abou-"
Minseok slaps a hand over Lu Han's mouth and smiles his best salesman's smile. "That would be one hundred and twenty thousand won please."
Ryeowook visibly wilts.
"I am but a poor ghostbuster." He says pitifully. "That's more than I make in a week."
"I'm sorry but that's the price. It's a one-of-a-kind item." Minseok says forcefully. He pinches Lu Han's side for good measure because he could see him start to break under the puppy eyes this man has brought out.
"Oh I can see that." Ryeowook says with admiration in his voice. "Duck down stuffing, silk lined. This is the puffer coat of kings. What I wouldn't give to own it..."
Kyungsoo fluffs his stuffing slightly. Everyone else stares.
"You're silk lined?" Baekhyun says faintly.
"You gonna show us?" Jongdae asks, as innocently as he can.
"Of course not!" Kyungsoo says, outraged. If possible he folds even further in on himself. "Some clothing may go around flashing their lining at people but I am not that type of coat!"
Baekhyun looks completely unabashed. "They're going to be seeing it anyway, so why not give them a little preview? Nothing wrong with that. Now give us a flash, flasher mac."
"No."
"C'mon," Baekhyun wheedles, "you've seen mine!"
"Who hasn't?"
Baekhyun splutters. "Plenty of people!"
"I haven't." Jongdae says sulkily.
"Oh c'mon, you can't be upset about that!" Baekhyun exclaims. "You have the exact same lining!"
“Guys, shh!” Joonmyeon hushes. “I can’t hear what they’re saying.”
To his great surprise both of them shut up immediately.
"There is definitely something strange about this shop." Ryeowook is saying. "But I will have to come back with my full toolkit since this was just a preliminary investigation."
"And how much will that cost." Minseok asks shrewdly. "About one hundred and twenty thousand won perhaps?"
"It's a difficult case." Ryeowook replies seriously. “It merits the price tag, believe me.”
Minseok isn’t sure if he’s talking about the coat or the job.
“How about this,” Minsoek proposes. “Five sessions here at the shop, and we’ll give you the coat.”
Ryeowook narrows his eyes. “Three, and you throw in a special bag to carry him in.”
“Four, the bag, and we’ll steam clean him for you for free.”
“Deal.” Ryeowook reaches out his hand and shakes Minseok’s. He smiles prettily. “I’ll see you tomorrow for the first consultation.”
Kyungsoo squishes happily under Ryeowook’s arm. He’s finally getting an owner. Ryeowook turns and heads to the door, happy with the deal made and excited for the soon-to-be-his coat.
“Oi!” Minseok calls. “Leave the coat here with me, thief.”
“Damn.” Ryeowook turns to Minseok and smiles sheepishly. “It was worth a shot.”
19.
One night Minseok and Lu Han forget to turn off the music that blasts through the shop during the day. By a stroke of luck Minseok has also forgotten Chanyeol.
"PAAAAARTAAAAAAAY!!!" Chanyeol shouts. "The Chanster is in the house and it's time to rock out!"
"Oh Gucci no." Joonmyeon whispers. No one pays any attention to him though, too busy enjoying the freedom to finally move to the music.
Jongdae is flailing his sleeves about looking more like a windmill than anything else, Baekhyun is waving his legs smoothly, Chanyeol's ear flaps are flapping in time to the beat and Kyungsoo is kind of squishing along happily. The maknaes are rather confined in their packaging but make a good go of it anyway, snapping their waistbands and stretching perfectly in time with one another and the music.
By the fifth song even Joonmyeon is snapping his arms to the beat and Tao has abandoned looking cool for swishing rapidly.
By the twelfth Jongdae and Baekhyun are clutching each other and singing along as they sway.
"And Iiiiiiiiiii-eeee-ayyyy will allllways love yoooooooouuuuu!!" They wail in sync.
"So beautiful." Chanyeol sniffles. "Guys, I love you. Let's stay up ask night and sing and dance and live!"
"Yeah!" Everyone choruses.
They give it their best shot.
Chanyeol raps the whole of ’99 problems’ replacing the word ‘bitch’ with ‘zip’.
In a surprise move Kyungsoo dedicates his rendition of 'I got a boy' to Baekhyun and can actually hold a tune. More than hold a tune.
Joonmyeon just cries. A lot.
In the end they fall asleep before they can get all the way through the playlist, but there was no doubt that a good time was had by all.
The next Minseok and Lu Han come to the shop and find it in complete disarray. Tao is slung over Joonmyeon, who sits on top of the hat stand. Baekhyun and Jongdae have somehow managed to zip themselves inside Kyungsoo and Sehun and Jongin are laying face down on the checkout desk next to Chanyeol. It's a mess.
"Lu?" Minseok asks without taking his eyes off the shop floor. "Do you still have that Ryeowook guy's number?"
20.
Due to the large portion of their customers who come through the door with the sole objective of flirting with Lu Han, Jongdae has an impressive arsenal of pick up lines just ready and waiting to be used. All he needs now is a victim.
"So..." Jongdae starts.
"Yeah?" Joonmyeon says distractedly. He's been attempting to understand the rules of the new game Sehun, Jongin and Tao have invented so that he can referee but isn't having much success.
"Call me Pooh, ‘cause all I want is you, honey.”
“ I'm not quite following...?” Joonmyeon isn’t really paying any attention and Baekhyun has to stifle his giggles from where he sits below Jongdae.
“If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.” Jongdae presses on.
“…what?” Joonmyeon has turned his full attention away from the three squabbling babies in front of him and now to Jongdae.
“I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me.” He insists.
“I’m a pair of glasses?” Joonmyeon answers unsurely. “I don’t need vitamins?”
By this point Baekhyun is having to stifle his laughs with his trouser legs.
“You know what, you’re very busy,” Jongdae gestures to Sehun, Jongin and Tao, “So I’ll leave you to it, shall I?”
"Er, right." Joonmyeon risks a frazzled look back at his three bickering children. "Thanks."
"I told you he wouldn't get it." Baekhyun snickers.
"Yeah, yeah. You win. I shouldn't have overestimated you, Old Man Suho."
"You remember the deal?"
"I remember." Jongdae shudders. "I promise to refer to you as 'My Rightful Lord Baekhyun' from now on."
"And Soo?" Baekhyun presses.
Jongdae sighs. "As 'Fashion Terrorist Peasant'."
Baekhyun cackles evilly. "I'm going to enjoy this. He's going to kill you."
It's times like this Jongdae really wishes he didn't know Baekhyun.
21.
“Baekhyun smells
He is really annoying
New set please”
A haiku by Kim Jongdae.
“Washing is important.
Please do so before you next come to the shop.
You almost made Kyungsoo cry your hair was so greasy and that isn’t cool at all.
Please, please wash.”
A wish by Kim Jongdae.
“Clothing that’s hip
Clothing that’s cool
Clothing for skating
And clothing for school
Scarves that are haughty,
Hats that are loud,
Find it all at EXO
Our prices are sound!!”
A jingle by Kim Jongdae.
22.
Jongdae is the best. This is better than the time he dared Chanyeol to turn himself inside out and sit on the hat stand (the mannequin looked like a werewolf, it was great) and the time Minseok had gone a little bit overkill with the air freshener and they’d all got a bit high. It was better than the two of them combined.
He’s managed to convince everyone that for his birthday they should only talk in lines that come from Disney songs or films. It’s brilliant. More than that, it’s genius.
“If there’s a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I’ve already won that.” Joonmyeon sighs. I never should have agreed to this in the first place.
“I want to be part of their world.” Baekhyun agrees. I’d rather be doing anything but this.
“Who do you think you’re kidding, he’s the earth and heaven to you.” Jongdae grins. You know you love me really.
“You think I’m an ignorant savage.” Joonmyeon replies. I’m not stupid, and I never would have agreed had you not blackmailed me.
“It was the gypsy girl, the witch who set this flame.” It’s really all Baekhyun’s fault. He started it.
“Be a man.” Stop putting all the blame on me! You didn’t have to act on it.
“Let it go.” Er, let it go.
“So many times out there, I see a happy pair of lovers walking in the night.” Jongin peaks out from behind Sehun. “Please stop fighting. It’s supposed to be hyung’s birthday.
“War, huh. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing.” Sehun pitches in.
“Sehun!” Everyone whines.
Sehun at least has the decency to look sheepish. “Sorry hyungs. I’m no good at thinking on the spot.”
“Deception.” Baekhyun starts.
“Disgrace.” Chanyeol now.
“Evil as plain as the scar on his face.” Tao finishes gleefully.
“That’s a bit harsh isn’t it?” Joonmyeon clacks his arms together disapprovingly.
“Hyung!” Jongin whines. “That’s not Disney either!”
Jongdae simply watches all of them squabbling and laughing together and feels the happiness well up in his breast.
“Happy birthday, Kim Jongdae.” He says to himself. “I think it’s your best one yet.”
Fin.
Author’s note: Thank you so much for this prompt! I don’t know whether I’ve done it justice but I had lots of fun. I’m sorry about the EXO-harem. Everyone’s just loving everyone here… (even if Kyungsoo tries not to show it :P ) Thank you to N for reading this over for me!