Tell me bad stuff!

[chenoameg]

What behavior of my child do you find most annoying?

(We need a pretty big change of how we are handling discipline, so I thought I would open it up to get other people's views on what behaviors we should change.)

Anonymous posts welcome (actually preferred, I think?). I will probably friends lock this after a few days to protect it from bots.

Comments

[anonymous]

Since you are asking ...

I don't like how S sometimes harasses smaller children. It seems like if she smiles and says she's playing, it doesn't matter that her target isn't enjoying her attentions.

[anonymous]

I agree.

I don't know if this is normal behavior for someone S's age(*), but, it seems like the most important thing to work on that I have visibility into.

As a secondary thing, it worries me somewhat that when in a room with a near stranger (me) and a primary care giver (you), she'll preference asking me if she can do something, rather than asking you. When told "no" or given discipline from a primary care giver while I'm around, she'll look to me to intervene (with eye contact and facial expression). I'm not sure how to explain why these are odd; it feels kind of like she is trying to game the adults in the room, or that she thinks she can get away with anything. This is just a gut feeling though, maybe I'm expecting too much that she'll behave like a little adult (*).

(*) I know nothing about parenting a child.

[anonymous]

This.

Shoving around smaller children is something kids S's age do, and learning to deal with it and get the other child to stop is something that kids $KID's age need to learn. But I would be happier if taking $KID to play with S felt less like inflicting character-building experience. (I like you, and outside of this $KID likes S, of course.)

In terms of handling discipline, if you could share your strategy with other adults visiting your house, that might help also. It's not always clear how to appropriately react to S.

[42itous]

S has never done anything that annoyed me, so I have no useful data points for you on that topic.

Are you familiar with the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk? I read and reread it when I was working with kids and got new useful ideas from it each time.

[chenoameg]

Yes, I've read it a couple of times and it's in my pile to reread once I finish reading Parent Effectiveness Training.

[pekmez]

Occasional I think you've read it and internalized it well enough that I see you using its techniques on other adults (quite successfully. I mean, it's about listening to what people are saying, not discipline, really.) :)

[chenoameg]

I've often thought it's a good book for people who have coworkers :)

[anonymous]

You have a tendency to make plans and cancel with little or no notice. S is learning that following the plan is optional, and that she can effect change in her plans and yours at whim. What do you want her to learn about plans?

[ringrose]

I think this is a good point.

[anonymous]

I'm not sure if this is S in particular, or more about parenting style ...

It seems like if S is given a task to do that she doesn't want to do, she will "slow play" it and act adorable, and someone will step in and either do it for her, or make a giant "fun" game of it.

At this point, it feels like she is quite aware that she can manipulate the adults around her so that she never/rarely has to do anything she doesn't care to do.

[psychohist]

Margaret still does this at a year older. We haven't figured out the correction for it yet.

[anonymous]

I really admire your courage in starting this thread.

[chenoameg]

Thanks! If I'm going to do a hard thing, it might as well be the right hard thing.

It helps that I really love S. And I like her (most of the time). And I know that ringrose does too. So now I just need more data!

[anonymous]

As do I.

[anonymous]

add me to your list of admirers ...