Listening when people hurt

[chenaya]

It's very hard for me to see friends going through hard times and not be able to help them...especially when it's the kind of thing I've gone through in the past, myself. It's a sad fact of life that usually, when we are in a crisis-type of situation - especially emotionally - we can't see the obvious solution, or what might be several suitable

Comments

[kellyfaerie]

I think it's ok to give advice. Personally when i talk to people I want to vent, but I also want to hear what the other person has to say. If i talk to that person, its because I trust them and respect them. It isn't a bad thing to ask the person what they are looking for, though, I suppose.

[ftemery]

From my experience, it seems that just listening is a huge help in itself. From going to 12 step programs, it seems helpful to be able to say what worked for us when we had something similar happen. And from domestic violence people, it seems that all you can do that's helpful is to provide the locations, names etc of resources they could turn to. I think I've finally learned what it means to "be there" for someone, but it may be that it's always different in each case. Good luck!
Emery

[mierandra]

Personally, I'm something of a walking contradiction. I'm hard to fathom and unpredictable, sometimes even to people who have known me most my life.

One of the greatest blessings in my life are the people who aren't afraid to stop me and say, "Look, I know you're upset- do you need me to listen now, or are you ready to work on solving this now?"

Not many people will stop and ask you what you want. It's not something that we're told is an okay thing to do when dealing with upset people. But I like being given the option. And I like it when people respect me enough to ask and not make assumptions.

[liamgaidin]

The hardest thing to do is listen. And it is because of our innate desire to do as you have said and give advice.

What I suggest is listen to everything the person has to say. Try to speak little but make it known you are listening. When all is finished, ask questions to help illuminate things you don't understand. Ask questions that will help the person themselves come to understand their own situation better or see it from your own point of view, without you actually saying..."This is what you should do."

It is a hard thing to do. Trust me I know. But it does work. Eventually they will come to the same conclusions you have or they see things in a different light. Upside is you get the rep for a good listener :)

[obake]

I'd say, listen to what a person has to say. Sometimes they're just venting and need a listener. If they end with, "What do you think?", well, then they've asked for you're opinion and advice. If they don't ask your advice, but you feel that some experience you've had could help them, I'd say give it. But instead of in a "if I were you, I'd..." way, in a "there was this one time that I..." sort of way so they can relate to the experience and knowledge you have.