(Untitled)

[chell85]

Ok, for my creative writing class i have to complete (i know i know... not one of my strengths) two short stories. I'm posting here the introduction to the one i'm currently working on. pleeeeeeeease give me feedback, criticism, etc. also, a side note, the names i have are temporary, and names i haven't even bothered to toss in are represented

Comments

[operagator]

i don't know how you manage to cram in so much detail without making it feel bogged down. you know how some writers, when they're painting a picture of a scene, they make you feel like, "okay, shut up already with the descriptions, you're boring me with these unnecessary details..." well, you dont do that. somehow, you provide intense detail, but you make every detail seem pertinent. the only criticism i have is that i was confused at the beginning. who's got the paperdolls? who's got the french manicure? where does shane's grandmother come into the picture? maybe i'm dumb, but i dont see the connection between the first few paragraphs and the rest of it. very nice overall. you just keep getting better and better. why arent you an english major?

In response to all confusion... lol

[chell85]

the intro actually begins in medias res and shifts to an occurance further back in time. it's meant to be a little confusing b/c of an issue w/ the main character to be explained later. the woman w/ the "paper dolls" and french manicured nails is "shane's" (name subject to change :)~) grandmother. in the first scene is just the main character, shane, and his grandmother, the scene shifted to is earlier, w/ only connor, the main character, and an insignificant character present. i'm going to try and make this all come together in future parts, but tell me if stuff is way too confusing and i need to elaborate more, or something. thanx on the positive stuff on my descriptions, etc.

[therealbenni]

As I already have told you, I like it so far . . . As long as you do it well, the whole non-chronological aspect could be really cool. The paper motif is good; I'm interested to see where it goes.

Oh, and I agree w/ Laurel about your use of description - highly descriptive, but not hello-my-name-is-Charles-Dickens-and-I'm-being-paid-by-the-word-'ish. It paints a picture! *is shot dead by Ms. Roberts* ;-)

--From Steph

[anonymous]

Yea, I totally get into it after the first couple o' paragraphs, only cuz its a tad hard to understand what it means (as everyone else said). Great dialogue though, and I hope I get to read the rest of it. Oh and you need names LoL (Duh). But my favorite part is when you mention the library of books in the back *cheers for Edgar*. Hehe lemme know when the rest comes up.

Re: --From Steph

[chell85]

thanks/see above reply to laurel's/names are on the way! i just have to ponder and research some more... i'm rather particular about my names... :)~

Cool. . .

[rivennlia]

Sounds very intriguing. I'd like to read more of the story when you have it written. There are a few spots here and there that are a little confusing, and but overall, it's nicely written. I've had literally no time to work on my novels between school, work, and fencing. Talk to you later.

~Amy