(no subject)
The Cinematic Rules that, in my not so humble opinion, were hideously and needlessly broken during Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.
RULE NUMBER 1: DO NOT OPEN YOUR ALLEGED ACTION MOVIE WITH A SLO-MO SHOT.
I knew we were in trouble the second I saw that. I sat in that theater (which, by the way, I will never be going to that particular theater again but I'll save that rant for the end of this entry) going "Oh, this bodes ill." Of course, Jerry Bruckheimer is a HUGE fan of the ol' slo-mo. He used it in Bad Boys. He uses it all the damn time on CSI. It's like his signature thing. I respect that. Used judiciously, slo-mo can be extremely effective.
But you do not open an action movie with it. My god, I didn't even GO to film school and I know that. It wasn't effective; it left people going 'Wait, did the projectionist accidentally switch reels on us? Honey, did we buy tickets to Legends of the Fall'?
RULE NUMBER 2: PICK A PLOT AND STICK WITH IT.
While sending the knight errant on a fetch quest to save his lady love is a fantastic plot, it helps if we, you know, care about the thing he's going after, the lady he's trying to save, and the obstacles in his way.
I dunnow about you, folks, but the whole time I was in there, I was rooting for Captain Jack Sparrow. And he was none of the above. Well, okay, he could be seen as an obstacle in his own right, but he was so all over the map with his motivations (which were never clearly revealed hi) that he went from an obstacle to a helper to swaggering through pretty scenery with no change in gears.
Which, I guess, is part of his charm. But it does nothing at all for the plot.
RULE NUMBER 3: UPON STICKING TO THAT PLOT, REMEMBER YOUR STATED GOALS.
Great! So. Smarmy Dude in the powdered wig is sending Legolas to go get the broken spinny thing from Edward Scissorhands while Keira's in jail and Papa Peron is all afluster'd. Oh, and there's a creepy assistant/assassin dude who's never named. Oh, and there's Legolas' dad. Oh, and there's monsters.
Oh! And the Smarmy Dude in the powdered wig from the FIRST movie is back, only now he's all drunk and stuff.
Oh! And there's a witch.
Oh! And there's our two comic relief pirates from the first movie, too. They'll be part of the crew now, no questions asked.
Let's throw this all at the wall and see what sticks.
...Oh. None of it is. Uh. Well, let's just put in more chase scenes. Where were we going with this again?
My answer: NOWHERE.
RULE NUMBER 4: PICK YOUR SUB-PLOTS WITH CARE.
See all my examples above. Then realize that the entire movie was one sub-plot after another, with no resolution in sight for any of them. I've heard people say "Oh, you have to go into it knowing it's the middle of the story."
To which I say BULLSHIT, SIR! Empire Strikes Back was the middle of its story, and it managed juuuuuuuust fine to get together a satisfying resolution. Dead Man's Chest? Not so much.
Not to mention the fact that the whole "Commodore Norrington" thing could have been totally and utterly done away with. ANY other member of the crew coulda turned traitor to get Davy Jones' heart to Smarmy Dude In The Powdered Wig. Because he had those letters of merit! It would have been WAY more satisfying to see Captain Muttonchops McExposition get his artfully grubby hands on the heart and take it to Wigman.
The only reason I can think of that Norrington was involved was to bring back as many characters from the first one as possible. Ppppbppbbbth.
RULE NUMBER 5: ONE MOVIE, ONE ENDING.
I am fully blaming Peter Jackson for this recent trend. FULLY. I once said that LotR: Return of the King was the movie with more climaxes than a gang bang. I think Dead Man's Chest has just about taken that not-so-coveted title from RotK. The last hour or so of this movie, I was going "Okay, THIS is the climax." ... "No, okay, THIS has got to be it." ... "Okay, this is just getting stupider as time passes." ... "OH GODDAMN IT NOT THE KRAKEN AGAIN."
Furthermore, when Commodore Norrington made his way back to Port Royale, in the last ten minutes or so...the projectionist fell asleep at the switch or something. At my showing, the movie abruptly cut off, to be replaced with the theater's pre-show music and screen splashes.
My line?
"I think this is a more satisfying ending than what the movie was gonna give us, frankly."
I was overheard. And got a laugh. So.
RULE NUMBER 6: MATRIX BULLET TIME IS SO FIVE MINUTES AGO. IT'S DEAD, JIM. MOVE ON.
'Nuff said.
RULE NUMBER 7: NO POOFTERS MAKE SURE YOUR ROMANCE SIDE PLOT IS NOT PASTEDE ON YEY.
Kiera suddenly going "OH GOD I WANNA HUMP JACK SPARROW SO BAD" scanned like it was right out of some teenage girl's bad fanfiction. She had, the whole damn movie, been loudly and chirpily declaring her desire to marry Legolas. And then, whoa whut, she's got the hotpants for Jack? Uh.
I can SORTA see how they set that up. They did it very badly, though. With the aid of a magical compass. Right. Okay. Somebody call Phillip Pullman, Disney's ripping off his schtick.
RULE NUMBER 8: MAKE YOUR VILLAINS VILLAINOUS.
When the voodoo witch lady (who, by the way, I really liked, reasons why below) laid out the story of The Flying Dutchman and Davy Jones, I honestly had zero idea that that's what she was talking about. I was trying so hard to follow along, and that just went RIGHT over my little fluffy head. Since, hahahahah, prior to that the only indication we had that Davy Jones was the bad guy and the Flying Dutchman his ship was Legolas' dad showing up and dropping some EXTREMELY cryptic warnings.
Not to mention the fact that the character design on Davy Jones was...ah...less than frightening. There was a group of small children sitting in front of me, and when he first appeared they laughed at him. They thought he was funny looking. "Look, mommy! An octopus man!"
Yeah. The cannibals were scarier.
ANYWAY.
What worked, worked moderately well. The sword fight on the water wheel, a couple of the characters (Jack and the voodoo lady), the gags (*BAM!* Look! Undead monkey!), and the pacing. I had no problems with the pacing. It moved like a house on fire, right up until the multiple endings. Then it bogged itself down horrendously. It had no other alternative! So many sub-plots that needed tying up or resolving. Which...weren't done, really!
And, as I said, I really did enjoy the voodoo witch character. She was, aside from Johnny, the only person there who knew what she was doing. She managed to get just the right blend of oddball mystical and creepy jovial. She didn't chew scenery, either, god bless her. Amid an entire cast of either wooden puppets or scenery chewers, she was juuuuuust right.
Aside from all that, though, the actual movie-going experience left a lot to be desired. For some bizarre reason, our normal theater at the Orleans wasn't carrying this particular vehicle. They chose to show Cars on 8 screens instead.
So we were forced to go to the Brendan Theater at The Palms.
Go on. Navigate through that site. Listen to the hideous embedded music. See the creepy-as-fsck Johnny Brendan, a man over fifty who dresses like he's a nineteen year old gang member. Imagine my horror at their BRAND NEW DIGITAL PRE-SHOW, with all that horrible music and image after image after image of the ubiquitous Mr. Brendan.
I think the man's starting a personality cult.
Not to mention that all the ads were for things like LAMBROGHINIS.
Who the HELL are they MARKETING to with that? Don't they listen to their customers? The same ones complaining about ten dollar ticket prices and four dollar small popcorns?
And, as mentioned above, the movie cut off about ten minutes from the end.
Gah. Fail. All around fail.
Next time I want to go to the movies, I'll just hit myself over the head with a ball-peen hammer repeatedly. It'd be less painful.
RULE NUMBER 1: DO NOT OPEN YOUR ALLEGED ACTION MOVIE WITH A SLO-MO SHOT.
I knew we were in trouble the second I saw that. I sat in that theater (which, by the way, I will never be going to that particular theater again but I'll save that rant for the end of this entry) going "Oh, this bodes ill." Of course, Jerry Bruckheimer is a HUGE fan of the ol' slo-mo. He used it in Bad Boys. He uses it all the damn time on CSI. It's like his signature thing. I respect that. Used judiciously, slo-mo can be extremely effective.
But you do not open an action movie with it. My god, I didn't even GO to film school and I know that. It wasn't effective; it left people going 'Wait, did the projectionist accidentally switch reels on us? Honey, did we buy tickets to Legends of the Fall'?
RULE NUMBER 2: PICK A PLOT AND STICK WITH IT.
While sending the knight errant on a fetch quest to save his lady love is a fantastic plot, it helps if we, you know, care about the thing he's going after, the lady he's trying to save, and the obstacles in his way.
I dunnow about you, folks, but the whole time I was in there, I was rooting for Captain Jack Sparrow. And he was none of the above. Well, okay, he could be seen as an obstacle in his own right, but he was so all over the map with his motivations (which were never clearly revealed hi) that he went from an obstacle to a helper to swaggering through pretty scenery with no change in gears.
Which, I guess, is part of his charm. But it does nothing at all for the plot.
RULE NUMBER 3: UPON STICKING TO THAT PLOT, REMEMBER YOUR STATED GOALS.
Great! So. Smarmy Dude in the powdered wig is sending Legolas to go get the broken spinny thing from Edward Scissorhands while Keira's in jail and Papa Peron is all afluster'd. Oh, and there's a creepy assistant/assassin dude who's never named. Oh, and there's Legolas' dad. Oh, and there's monsters.
Oh! And the Smarmy Dude in the powdered wig from the FIRST movie is back, only now he's all drunk and stuff.
Oh! And there's a witch.
Oh! And there's our two comic relief pirates from the first movie, too. They'll be part of the crew now, no questions asked.
Let's throw this all at the wall and see what sticks.
...Oh. None of it is. Uh. Well, let's just put in more chase scenes. Where were we going with this again?
My answer: NOWHERE.
RULE NUMBER 4: PICK YOUR SUB-PLOTS WITH CARE.
See all my examples above. Then realize that the entire movie was one sub-plot after another, with no resolution in sight for any of them. I've heard people say "Oh, you have to go into it knowing it's the middle of the story."
To which I say BULLSHIT, SIR! Empire Strikes Back was the middle of its story, and it managed juuuuuuuust fine to get together a satisfying resolution. Dead Man's Chest? Not so much.
Not to mention the fact that the whole "Commodore Norrington" thing could have been totally and utterly done away with. ANY other member of the crew coulda turned traitor to get Davy Jones' heart to Smarmy Dude In The Powdered Wig. Because he had those letters of merit! It would have been WAY more satisfying to see Captain Muttonchops McExposition get his artfully grubby hands on the heart and take it to Wigman.
The only reason I can think of that Norrington was involved was to bring back as many characters from the first one as possible. Ppppbppbbbth.
RULE NUMBER 5: ONE MOVIE, ONE ENDING.
I am fully blaming Peter Jackson for this recent trend. FULLY. I once said that LotR: Return of the King was the movie with more climaxes than a gang bang. I think Dead Man's Chest has just about taken that not-so-coveted title from RotK. The last hour or so of this movie, I was going "Okay, THIS is the climax." ... "No, okay, THIS has got to be it." ... "Okay, this is just getting stupider as time passes." ... "OH GODDAMN IT NOT THE KRAKEN AGAIN."
Furthermore, when Commodore Norrington made his way back to Port Royale, in the last ten minutes or so...the projectionist fell asleep at the switch or something. At my showing, the movie abruptly cut off, to be replaced with the theater's pre-show music and screen splashes.
My line?
"I think this is a more satisfying ending than what the movie was gonna give us, frankly."
I was overheard. And got a laugh. So.
RULE NUMBER 6: MATRIX BULLET TIME IS SO FIVE MINUTES AGO. IT'S DEAD, JIM. MOVE ON.
'Nuff said.
RULE NUMBER 7: NO POOFTERS MAKE SURE YOUR ROMANCE SIDE PLOT IS NOT PASTEDE ON YEY.
Kiera suddenly going "OH GOD I WANNA HUMP JACK SPARROW SO BAD" scanned like it was right out of some teenage girl's bad fanfiction. She had, the whole damn movie, been loudly and chirpily declaring her desire to marry Legolas. And then, whoa whut, she's got the hotpants for Jack? Uh.
I can SORTA see how they set that up. They did it very badly, though. With the aid of a magical compass. Right. Okay. Somebody call Phillip Pullman, Disney's ripping off his schtick.
RULE NUMBER 8: MAKE YOUR VILLAINS VILLAINOUS.
When the voodoo witch lady (who, by the way, I really liked, reasons why below) laid out the story of The Flying Dutchman and Davy Jones, I honestly had zero idea that that's what she was talking about. I was trying so hard to follow along, and that just went RIGHT over my little fluffy head. Since, hahahahah, prior to that the only indication we had that Davy Jones was the bad guy and the Flying Dutchman his ship was Legolas' dad showing up and dropping some EXTREMELY cryptic warnings.
Not to mention the fact that the character design on Davy Jones was...ah...less than frightening. There was a group of small children sitting in front of me, and when he first appeared they laughed at him. They thought he was funny looking. "Look, mommy! An octopus man!"
Yeah. The cannibals were scarier.
ANYWAY.
What worked, worked moderately well. The sword fight on the water wheel, a couple of the characters (Jack and the voodoo lady), the gags (*BAM!* Look! Undead monkey!), and the pacing. I had no problems with the pacing. It moved like a house on fire, right up until the multiple endings. Then it bogged itself down horrendously. It had no other alternative! So many sub-plots that needed tying up or resolving. Which...weren't done, really!
And, as I said, I really did enjoy the voodoo witch character. She was, aside from Johnny, the only person there who knew what she was doing. She managed to get just the right blend of oddball mystical and creepy jovial. She didn't chew scenery, either, god bless her. Amid an entire cast of either wooden puppets or scenery chewers, she was juuuuuust right.
Aside from all that, though, the actual movie-going experience left a lot to be desired. For some bizarre reason, our normal theater at the Orleans wasn't carrying this particular vehicle. They chose to show Cars on 8 screens instead.
So we were forced to go to the Brendan Theater at The Palms.
Go on. Navigate through that site. Listen to the hideous embedded music. See the creepy-as-fsck Johnny Brendan, a man over fifty who dresses like he's a nineteen year old gang member. Imagine my horror at their BRAND NEW DIGITAL PRE-SHOW, with all that horrible music and image after image after image of the ubiquitous Mr. Brendan.
I think the man's starting a personality cult.
Not to mention that all the ads were for things like LAMBROGHINIS.
Who the HELL are they MARKETING to with that? Don't they listen to their customers? The same ones complaining about ten dollar ticket prices and four dollar small popcorns?
And, as mentioned above, the movie cut off about ten minutes from the end.
Gah. Fail. All around fail.
Next time I want to go to the movies, I'll just hit myself over the head with a ball-peen hammer repeatedly. It'd be less painful.