[Skyward] Chapter 1

[chatham_rivers]

Title:  Skyward
Author/Artist:  Chatham T. Rivers
Rating:  M
Warnings:  Offensive language, prostitution, and heavy violence.  
Summary:  Years into the future, private corporations colonize other planets to get the resources Earth needs to keep running.  One of these planets is Ataraxia, a planet rich in minerals, technological advancements, and

Comments

[000_hester_000]

Sorry for slightly late comment --- I totally can't actually make reasonable comments on a work of fiction until I have time to think it over.I like the idea on this --- I think I've liked it a lot better now actually reading it than simply hearing you talk about it

[chatham_rivers]

Don't worry about it! I'm just glad someone commented at all.

I see where you're coming from with your critique, and I do agree. The original had a lot more building up of the world, but I was worried that nothing was happening. In my initial draft, I was told to jump right into the action--where something happened.

I will definitely make note of your suggestions when I go back and revise, and I'll fix those typos right now! Thank you for taking time to comment and critique. <3

[000_hester_000]

I just tend to get a bit anxious because I never know to what extent people want critique. It's such a touchy subject sometimes.

I can totally see wanting to jump to the action. I just think that in this case, building things up a bit more contributes to the action. With what you have here, I don't think I would worry about it being a slow beginning. I do agree with the advice not to start off by explicating a lot of worldbuilding. But if you keep this part as the beginning, that won't be an issue.

[gileonnen]

Ducking in to second that feeling of wanting to be more immersed--structurally, I prefer when a story gives me an idea of the status quo and why it might be worth preserving (even if it's unpleasant) before that moment of upset. I feel as though the opening would be more effective with a misdirect plot; give us a problem that we think Maran will have to solve (late rent and a predatory landlord? prostitutes attempting to unionize in secret? a toxin spill that prevents her from getting to the place where she usually works?), and use that opportunity to show us how things work between Dilly and Maran when they're good. Right now, you plunge us instantly into the despair, and although I really do feel for Maran when Dilly gets enucleated in front of her, I don't really understand yet why it matters. It's not clear what Dilly does for Maran, and it has to be clear really early on so that we care enough to want Maran to fix her. (This is sort of what happens at the beginning of The Hunger Games, if you want a model--Katniss may not have a