Mildly entertaining, possibly
As I meander through my post divorce life, I've learned, relearned, and otherwise discovered various rules and guidelines for sex and dating. During some idle time yesterday(i.e. I was at work), I went ahead and quantified them
1) Be easy to get rid of
2) Do not pester women under 30
3) Double check they are female
4) You may not have Jessica
5) NO dating children!
6) Being pushy will not land you the type of woman you want
7) I'm serious man, Jessica is too young for you
8) Redheads are gorgeous, goths are sexy, hippies are appealing, wiccans are pretty, cocktail dresses are hot, etc.
9) The older a woman, the more likely she is to have her tubes tied and the less likely to have "health problems"
10) Laura and Miranda are always right, and can do and say whatever they please
11) Always be as honest as possible, even tho that cuts your sex life by 90%
12) Back awayyy from the married woman
12a) If you can see the ring mark, she is married
12b) Stop immediatley checking the ring hand of every woman you meet, you cad
13) If you look a woman up and down, start with the face
14)"No strings attached" yeah, right. Believe at your own risk
15) God dammit Rob, stay away from Jessica
16) Mace makes me horny
17) No using, misleading, or stringing along under any circumstances
18) The next time a probably bi-girl comes up to you all happy she's found a "commando" t-shirt to advertise she's wearing no underwear, bragging she's 21 tonight so may drink freely, and looking to party; you damn well may ignore rule #5!!!! You bloody idiot
19) If you have to "buy" her, do yourself a favor and find a more upfront whore, they're cheaper
20) Dating a bisexual does not guarantee you a threesome
21) Ask BEFORE applying the handcuffs and ballgag
22) Too drunk to speak = too drunk for sex
23) Just because a girls entire apparel consists of high heel vinyl boots, fishnet stockings, a collar with leash, and a couple dabs of duct tape does not make her easy, which doesn't seem fair
24) Polyamorous people should be dealt with cautiously
25) What is the deal with breast enhancements?
25a) Do not give an enhanced woman your real name(refered to as "oral birth control" by my father)
26) Women with some flesh on them are generally more fun in bed
27) Using a condom that's too small is every bit as much fun as not having sex at all
28) If she has nothing but bad things to say about her exes, guess what, you're next.
29) Whipped cream really doesn't have any flavor,.. Try chocolate
30) Every once and a while, overshoot you bounds and aim too high
31) Always make it the women's decision to terminate the physical relationship
32) Pig snuffling noises rarely enhance cunnilingus
33) Desperation is not attractive
34) A cock in the bush is worth two in the hand
35) After the first set, be a gentleman and return their panties
35a) Be certain you return them to the proper owner. Gettting that wrong is a slap in the face, literally
36) Trust your instincts, but don't be ruled by them
36a) failing that, ask someone whose instincts you trust
37) Restraining orders are serious. Believe them!
38) Approaching every woman in the place is not flattering to #8
39) Spam is not meat
40) In the dark, all cats are gray
41) Maintain a healthy skepticism (formerly: believe nothing; every word could be a lie)
42) Mazola is a pain to get out of carpeting, lay down some plastic first
43) If your prowess is praised, go ahead and believe it. It's more fun that way
43a) but don't take it too seriously or think it makes you special
44) "The Cannery" is not an appropriate pet name for a vagina
45) Foreplay is under-rated
46) Keep the home aids tast kit, crab medication, and penicillin someplace out of sight
47) I wonder if Jessica will be at the bar tonight?
48) Do not criticize a woman's body until you are already inside her
48a) Note: that does not include oral!
49) It is better to have a condom and not need it, then need it and not have it
50) Church may be a good place to meet women, but wait until after the service to hit on them
And for the ladies:
We're big boys now, we can recognize a real orgasm.