Fanfic: LotS Don't Fool Yourself (Kahlan/Cara)
Title: Don't Fool Yourself
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kahlan/Cara (...ish?)
Count: 1189
Disclaimer: [insert something witty here that is a roundabout way of saying I own nothing]
Summary: Kahlan finds out about Cara.
A/N: Heya folks! This one is sad and angsty. I hope. Be prepared! YAY! \o/
“How long have you known?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters!” Kahlan shouted. She held the sheet tighter to her chest and stared hard at Cara, who was currently standing far away from the bed. From Kahlan.
“Why?” Cara asked and tightened the belt before buckling it around her waist. A bit more roughly then she had intended.
“Why?” Kahlan repeated, unable to keep the incredulousness out of her voice. She sighed, angry at the Mord-Sith’s attempts to remain unconcerned with what just happened. “Cara, I-- You should be dead by now!” Kahlan instantly regretted her choice of words, but she couldn’t help it. The absolute terror she had felt only a few moments ago still echoed in her chest.
“Don’t sound so disappointed, Confessor.”
“Damnit, Cara! You know that‘s not what I meant!” Kahlan jumped out of bed, wrapping the bed sheet around her to cover her nakedness, and stormed across her bed chambers towards Cara. “I confessed you! I mean I-- I should have confessed you. You were touching me when I-- When we--” She sputtered, part in anger and part in embarrassment.
Cara finally looked up to see Kahlan stop just in front of her and rolled her eyes. “Still can’t say it, can you?”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what, Kahlan?”
“Don’t act so cruel. Stop acting like what just happened doesn’t matter. Don’t act like such a…”
“Mord-Sith?” Cara asked with a slight eyebrow raise. Kahlan wanted to smack the amusement right off her face.
“Yes, as a matter of fact.”
“Sometimes, I think you forget that that’s exactly what I am, Confessor.” Cara emphasized the last word, using it to remind Kahlan of what the two meant.
Kahlan sighed again. “Cara… Why didn’t you tell me?” She almost pleaded and Cara at least looked a little ashamed. The blonde’s eyes fell to the floor between them.
“As I said,” she answered, carefully keeping her voice void of any emotion. “It doesn’t matter.”
“And I told you it does.” A moment passed that was filled with nothing but silence as Kahlan stared at Cara, who still kept her eyes low. When it was apparent Cara was not going to say anything, Kahlan softened. “You’ve known all this time and… we both know that the only way…” Kahlan felt her eyes close, the reality setting in. “We both know what it means--”
“It means nothing,” Cara growled, her eyes darkened with sudden rage when they met Kahlan‘s again. Kahlan felt like she was physically slapped.
“How can you say that?” Kahlan whispered in disbelief.
“You know it means nothing,” Cara grounded out through clenched teeth. She was angry now. Angry that Kahlan found out. Angry that Kahlan wouldn't let it go. Angry that she allowed herself to feel this way. “You belong to Richard! Your husband, remember? My Lord Rahl. Whom I have been betraying these past months! Bedding his wife? A crime punishable by nothing less than a slow, painful death.”
“Cara, you know Richard would never--”
“Does it matter?” Cara stepped back, the rage so sharp in her that she feared she might actually strike Kahlan. “I still betrayed him. And so have you!”
Kahlan wilted at that and it was all Cara needed to see to strengthen her resolve.
“Cara…” Kahlan whispered. She reached out to the Mord-Sith, but her hand was violently slapped away. The sympathy in Kahlan’s voice was only fueling Cara’s ire.
“Don‘t! I refuse to be subjected to your pity.” Cara spit out, the urge to lash out physically almost overwhelming her. She moved further away, breathing deeply to calm herself.
“I’m not-- That‘s not what I was…” Kahlan tried to explain in way that wouldn’t anger the Mord-Sith further. She wanted to reach out to the blonde again but thought better of it. “Cara, you mean so much to me. I don’t want to hurt you…”
“But you love Richard.”
Cara looked back at Kahlan and what Kahlan saw in those green eyes tore her heart out. There was so much emotion in them. There was still anger, yes. But also so much longing and defeat and exactly what Kahlan had been trying to avoid: hurt. No matter how long Kahlan had known Cara, how much the Mord-Sith had changed, she would never be prepared to see all that in the usually stoic blonde. She was so stunned, words escaped her and Cara went on.
“You love him, Kahlan. You love him. And that is why none of this matters. You will always belong to him and… never with me.” Cara felt sick saying these words. But she barreled through, if only to make Kahlan understand. “You’ve been lonely. Richard’s in D’Hara, you needed someone and I’m the only one close enough for you to turn to.”
Kahlan’s chest hurt with how resigned the Mord’Sith sounded.
“I’m not an idiot, Kahlan. I know exactly what this has all been about. I have only ever been a distraction.”
“Cara, no.” Kahlan shook her head. “No, that‘s not what you are--”
“Don’t kid yourself, Kahlan. You and I both know what this is. And I am lucky to have had even that. But I never fooled myself into believing I could ever mean as much to you as he does.” Cara swallowed with a dry throat. Telling Kahlan all this was most likely the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. There was a sudden urge to press both her agiels to her chest.
Kahlan’s eyes brimmed with tears now and she was rooted to the ground. Hearing Cara say this, to her, felt like a thousand daggers piercing her heart all at once.
“You will never belong to me like I… Like I belong to you.” Cara whispered and closed her eyes against the pain of this. And it was pain, a different pain but certainly not new. it was one she had lived with for so long now, she could barely remember a time when she didn’t ache.
Kahlan blinked and a tear fell down her cheek. Cara had to look away. Her own eyes had begun to burn but she refused to cry. She had already shown enough weakness, had already made a fool of herself; she was not about to exacerbate it further. So when Kahlan croaked out her name and began to move forward, Cara shook her head and held up a hand, halting her.
“Don’t,” she said softly. Another moment passed and Cara breathed in deeply, pulling the walls back up around her. The mask of indifference firmly back in place. “Richard will be returning soon and the two of you will be together again, be happy again. It’s what you both deserve.”
“And what about you, Cara?” Kahlan asked, tears now falling freely. She ignored Cara’s attempts to keep her at bay and stepped closer. “What about your happiness? You deserve it just as much--”
“How I feel is insignificant.” Kahlan opened her mouth to protest but Cara simply turned away, heading towards the Mother Confessor’s chamber doors. “And we both know that isn’t true.” She added without a glance back. “I don’t deserve anything.”
Then she was gone.
Rating: PG
Pairing: Kahlan/Cara (...ish?)
Count: 1189
Disclaimer: [insert something witty here that is a roundabout way of saying I own nothing]
Summary: Kahlan finds out about Cara.
A/N: Heya folks! This one is sad and angsty. I hope. Be prepared! YAY! \o/
“How long have you known?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters!” Kahlan shouted. She held the sheet tighter to her chest and stared hard at Cara, who was currently standing far away from the bed. From Kahlan.
“Why?” Cara asked and tightened the belt before buckling it around her waist. A bit more roughly then she had intended.
“Why?” Kahlan repeated, unable to keep the incredulousness out of her voice. She sighed, angry at the Mord-Sith’s attempts to remain unconcerned with what just happened. “Cara, I-- You should be dead by now!” Kahlan instantly regretted her choice of words, but she couldn’t help it. The absolute terror she had felt only a few moments ago still echoed in her chest.
“Don’t sound so disappointed, Confessor.”
“Damnit, Cara! You know that‘s not what I meant!” Kahlan jumped out of bed, wrapping the bed sheet around her to cover her nakedness, and stormed across her bed chambers towards Cara. “I confessed you! I mean I-- I should have confessed you. You were touching me when I-- When we--” She sputtered, part in anger and part in embarrassment.
Cara finally looked up to see Kahlan stop just in front of her and rolled her eyes. “Still can’t say it, can you?”
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what, Kahlan?”
“Don’t act so cruel. Stop acting like what just happened doesn’t matter. Don’t act like such a…”
“Mord-Sith?” Cara asked with a slight eyebrow raise. Kahlan wanted to smack the amusement right off her face.
“Yes, as a matter of fact.”
“Sometimes, I think you forget that that’s exactly what I am, Confessor.” Cara emphasized the last word, using it to remind Kahlan of what the two meant.
Kahlan sighed again. “Cara… Why didn’t you tell me?” She almost pleaded and Cara at least looked a little ashamed. The blonde’s eyes fell to the floor between them.
“As I said,” she answered, carefully keeping her voice void of any emotion. “It doesn’t matter.”
“And I told you it does.” A moment passed that was filled with nothing but silence as Kahlan stared at Cara, who still kept her eyes low. When it was apparent Cara was not going to say anything, Kahlan softened. “You’ve known all this time and… we both know that the only way…” Kahlan felt her eyes close, the reality setting in. “We both know what it means--”
“It means nothing,” Cara growled, her eyes darkened with sudden rage when they met Kahlan‘s again. Kahlan felt like she was physically slapped.
“How can you say that?” Kahlan whispered in disbelief.
“You know it means nothing,” Cara grounded out through clenched teeth. She was angry now. Angry that Kahlan found out. Angry that Kahlan wouldn't let it go. Angry that she allowed herself to feel this way. “You belong to Richard! Your husband, remember? My Lord Rahl. Whom I have been betraying these past months! Bedding his wife? A crime punishable by nothing less than a slow, painful death.”
“Cara, you know Richard would never--”
“Does it matter?” Cara stepped back, the rage so sharp in her that she feared she might actually strike Kahlan. “I still betrayed him. And so have you!”
Kahlan wilted at that and it was all Cara needed to see to strengthen her resolve.
“Cara…” Kahlan whispered. She reached out to the Mord-Sith, but her hand was violently slapped away. The sympathy in Kahlan’s voice was only fueling Cara’s ire.
“Don‘t! I refuse to be subjected to your pity.” Cara spit out, the urge to lash out physically almost overwhelming her. She moved further away, breathing deeply to calm herself.
“I’m not-- That‘s not what I was…” Kahlan tried to explain in way that wouldn’t anger the Mord-Sith further. She wanted to reach out to the blonde again but thought better of it. “Cara, you mean so much to me. I don’t want to hurt you…”
“But you love Richard.”
Cara looked back at Kahlan and what Kahlan saw in those green eyes tore her heart out. There was so much emotion in them. There was still anger, yes. But also so much longing and defeat and exactly what Kahlan had been trying to avoid: hurt. No matter how long Kahlan had known Cara, how much the Mord-Sith had changed, she would never be prepared to see all that in the usually stoic blonde. She was so stunned, words escaped her and Cara went on.
“You love him, Kahlan. You love him. And that is why none of this matters. You will always belong to him and… never with me.” Cara felt sick saying these words. But she barreled through, if only to make Kahlan understand. “You’ve been lonely. Richard’s in D’Hara, you needed someone and I’m the only one close enough for you to turn to.”
Kahlan’s chest hurt with how resigned the Mord’Sith sounded.
“I’m not an idiot, Kahlan. I know exactly what this has all been about. I have only ever been a distraction.”
“Cara, no.” Kahlan shook her head. “No, that‘s not what you are--”
“Don’t kid yourself, Kahlan. You and I both know what this is. And I am lucky to have had even that. But I never fooled myself into believing I could ever mean as much to you as he does.” Cara swallowed with a dry throat. Telling Kahlan all this was most likely the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. There was a sudden urge to press both her agiels to her chest.
Kahlan’s eyes brimmed with tears now and she was rooted to the ground. Hearing Cara say this, to her, felt like a thousand daggers piercing her heart all at once.
“You will never belong to me like I… Like I belong to you.” Cara whispered and closed her eyes against the pain of this. And it was pain, a different pain but certainly not new. it was one she had lived with for so long now, she could barely remember a time when she didn’t ache.
Kahlan blinked and a tear fell down her cheek. Cara had to look away. Her own eyes had begun to burn but she refused to cry. She had already shown enough weakness, had already made a fool of herself; she was not about to exacerbate it further. So when Kahlan croaked out her name and began to move forward, Cara shook her head and held up a hand, halting her.
“Don’t,” she said softly. Another moment passed and Cara breathed in deeply, pulling the walls back up around her. The mask of indifference firmly back in place. “Richard will be returning soon and the two of you will be together again, be happy again. It’s what you both deserve.”
“And what about you, Cara?” Kahlan asked, tears now falling freely. She ignored Cara’s attempts to keep her at bay and stepped closer. “What about your happiness? You deserve it just as much--”
“How I feel is insignificant.” Kahlan opened her mouth to protest but Cara simply turned away, heading towards the Mother Confessor’s chamber doors. “And we both know that isn’t true.” She added without a glance back. “I don’t deserve anything.”
Then she was gone.