[entry 8] In Retrospect [3/4]
“I thought we’re going to have a date. Why do you have books with you?”
Chanyeol is sitting across Baekhyun in a coffee shop three blocks away from his apartment. Baekhyun chose the table beside the glass wall where they can directly see the garden. Chanyeol has a pout on his lips while Baekhyun has a pinkish tint on his cheeks, eyes wide as he processes the word ‘date’.
“IIdiot! Who said we’re going on a date!”
Chanyeol pouts even more. Baekhyun averts his gaze to his untouched latte Coffee, eyes squinting.
“Well you asked me out!”
“That doesn’t mean it’s a date!”
“Is so!”
“No it’s not!”
“Yeah it is!”
Baekhyun then looks up to Chanyeol, only to see the giant having a shiteating grin on. Baekhyun purses his lips.
“No it’s not! You have a test on Tuesday and you haven’t studied yet, have you?” Baekhyun narrows his eyes at him.
“Yeah but that’s not my point. “
“Then you will study now.” Baekhyun isn’t going to just give up. Chanyeol needs this. He needs to study and he will make sure the giant does.
“What-wait how did you even know I have a test-“
“I have connections.”
“But we’re supposed to have a fun time.” Chanyeol whines more, trying to test the effectiveness of his aegyo. Because really, studying is the next thing he hates doing the most after doing his laundry.
“It is fun studying. We’ll have a fun time together. You and me.”
And Chanyeol really can’t argue to that. Because the times he gets to spend with Baekhyun will always be fun to him. It will always be special. Because it’s Baekhyun he is with.
He happily complies and does the thing he hates doing the most. Studying.
Baekhyun was firm about wanting Chanyeol to study. He wants his giant friend to pass his subject this time around because then that would mean another semester he can spend time with him. But then there’s something bothering him and his tongue itches to ask the male sitting in front of him and disrupt the study time he forced him into.
Chanyeol isn’t naive and he isn’t the type to act like one. By the fourth time he catches Baekhyun stealing secret glances of him while sipping on his coffee as an excuse; he places his book down on the table and leans his forearms on the open book.
“Baekhyun, I know you dislike drinking coffees so stop drinking it just for an excuse to look at me. You know if you have something to tell me then just say it."
The brunette mumbles a ‘what are you talking about’ before taking a sip of his coffee again, eyes darting everywhere feigning innocence.
Chanyeol leans further and Baekhyun, with flushed cheeks and wide eyes, had to lean back because of the giant’s face literally being shoved in front of his face.
“Or is it because you’re too mesmerized by my extreme good looks?”
“ Nno, stupid! You stupid, conceited idiot!”
Satisfied by the reaction he received, Chanyeol pulls back and sits properly with a cheeky grin. Baekhyun lets out the breath he realizes he’s been holding in.
“Then what is it?”
Baekhyun slowly places back the mug on the table, eyes darting everywhere as he exhales nervously. Chanyeol is allears.
“I.. Well you know.. the.. uh.. the last time.. Why were you..angry?”
“Oh that...” Chanyeol turns serious as he stares the brunette who continues to fidget with his tea spoon. He wonders if the brunette really doesn’t know the reason or if he’s pretending he doesn’t know.
“Because you ignored me the other day.” He doesn’t fail to notice how the other’s fingers stops fidgeting as if he doesn’t know of it.
“I’m sorry...”
Chanyeol doesn’t need to look at the petite male to know that he is sincere.
“I thought.. I thought you got sick of me again..”
Baekhyun’s eyes shoots up to Chanyeol, his eyes like those of a child trying to explain to his parents of his innocence. That he didn’t do anything wrong.
Chanyeol is too weak when it comes to the petite male.
“That’s not true! I-I would never… get sick of you.”
The last part came off as a whisper but loud enough for Chanyeol to hear. It’s loud enough to make Chanyeol smile that kind of smile that extends from ear to ear.
Baekhyun didn’t look up until after five minutes later.
**
It’s when they’re walking home that Chanyeol asks the question he has been meaning to ask the brunette.
“So… do you want to.. go to school together tomorrow?”
It’s a question that symbolizes a relationship already standing tall. A relationship Chanyeol hopes is strong enough to stay forever. It’s a question that has both hearts leap. For Chanyeol, it’s because just the thought of beginning and spending every morning with the petite male makes the butterflies in his stomach flutter in excitement. For Baekhyun it is because of a more complicated reason. A reason he doesn’t have the courage to say.
“I’m sorry, we can’t..”
The wide smile on Chanyeol’s face fades once again.
Baekhyun grips his right arm and Chanyeol gets lost in the orbs that stares at him, asking for forgiveness.
“Ppeople.. people at school can’t see us together..”
Chanyeol thought he heard the sound of his heart shattering.
“You don’t want to be seen with me?”
“No! There’s someone in school-if he finds out about us they’ll take me away…”
Chanyeol stares at the petite male, brows knitted together in confusion. He still doesn’t understand why he can’t be seen with Baekhyun but he nods his head although his face clearly shows his discouragement.
He was going continue to walk home when he hears the brunette say something that brings back the butterflies in his chest, although now, it’s like the butterflies are having a rampage in his chest, along with his heart.
“And I don’t want to be taken away from your side anymore…”
Chanyeol could hardly hide the emotions surging in him, his arms itches to envelope the petite male in a tight hug, his cheeks hurt from him locking his jaws to stop the stupid grin threatening to show up. He feels sad to have his proposal of coming to school together rejected.
But what he hears is enough as compensation. More than enough.
Chanyeol instead envelopes the petite male’s hand with his and continues to walk ahead, dragging with him a flushed and unusually quiet Byun Baekhyun.
***
Chanyeol proved himself to be the kind of man who gets jealous very easily. Well it should be normal
because Baekhyun is a very attractive man and anyone could easily fall for him. Who knows what could
happen if he sets his eyes away from the brunette for even a minute or two. Even his cousin Taemin receives a headlock when he catches him staring at his Baekhyun. Even Kai, whom he knows is headoverheels to a certain Kyungsoo isn’t an exception from those people he gets jealous of.
He made the mistake of bringing Kai with him once as they eat out. His best friend immediately clung to the brunette when he learns about his closeness to Kyungsoo, asking questions after questions about the latter with eyes almost turning into hearts.
Chanyeol flinches as he hears the loud giggling of his friend. It’s becoming more and more irritating to hear Kai’s laugh. His laugh is always an octave higher and hurts his ears but what he really hates about it at this moment is that it is caused by the brunette who’s supposed to make him laugh.
Only him and not Kai.
**
It’s after a few days that Kai comes running back for Baekhyun’s aid, much to Chanyeol’s dismay. But he couldn’t find the heart to take away his brunette when he sees the dishevelled look of his best friend.
“You want him to stay don’t you?”
Kai stays silent, tired eyes looking at a distant.
“I know you do, even if you won’t admit it.”
Kai huffs and rubs his face in exasperation.
“Of course. Of course I want him to stay god damn it”
Baekhyun lets out a soft smile. The answer is easy and yet Kai still doesn’t know it.
“Then tell him to stay. Tell him you love him.”
“Why would I? Telling him that I love him won’t change anything. Why would what I say matter to him?”
And Baekhyun heaves a sigh.
“You don’t know.. Maybe all this time.. All he’s been waiting is for you to tell him to stay.. and he actually feels the same way towards you..”
Kai stays quiet, as if weighing the advantage and disadvantages of confessing to Kyungsoo. He ends up groaning and burying his face on his palm.
Baekhyun places a comforting hand on shoulder of the sad male sitting beside him.
“You won’t lose anything if you try.. It’s better than to regret it later, right?”
Kai looks up to him and the sadness in his eyes reaches the very core of Baekhyun’s heart, as if infecting him.
“I’m scared,” comes the whisper from the taller.
But the brunette only softly smiles at him.
“Don’t be. Telling the person you love that you love him isn’t something to be scared about. What you should be scared about..is when your time together starts running out. That’s scary.”
And it’s at that moment, when his eyes met with Chanyeol, that he finally realizes what inevitably is going to happen. That in truth, no matter what he does, no matter how he tries to change their destiny, still, what’s supposed to happen will eventually happen.
And he realizes that he's actually the one who is scared.
***
People said that a person becomes even more dazzling when he falls in love. And that’s how he wants to see Baekhyun. Because if the petite male does, then that means he’s in love. And that love can possibly be for him. But that's not how he sees Baekhyun recently.
It didn’t take a day for Chanyeol to catch up, that something is wrong. Something is bothering Baekhyun.
And it doesn’t change even when New Year’s Eve comes and Baekhyun invites him to watch the fireworks show together by the Han River.
“Happy New Year. It’s our first New Year’s eve together..”
Baekhyun’s lips are smiling, but his eyes are filled with sorrow.
And Chanyeol doesn’t want to act naïve and watch the petite male suffer on his own.
“It’s not anymore a happy new year when you have that look on your face, Baek.”
Baekhyun’s smile falters for a second before it widens even more. But that smile isn’t like the smiles that always get to the very center of Chayeol’s chest. That smile doesn’t reach Baekhyun’s eyes and it makes Chanyeol sad that Baekhyun is trying to hide his feelings. That he‘s trying to hide the fact that something is obviously wrong.
They stare at the fireworks more and even until the fireworks show ended, Baekhyun continues to look up at the now empty sky.
"Ah..There are no stars tonight." Baekhyun mutters.
Chanyeol gazes down at Baekhyun.
"There is one.."
Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol.
"Where?"
"Sitting right beside me."
If this was some other time, the brunette would be cringing and insulting his cheesy pickup line but Baekhyun's eyes turns sadder though there is a weak smile on his face.
There were few still moments before Baekhyun sharply inhales and exhales, then faces Chanyeol with a wide smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
“I got something for you.”
Chanyeol follows the brunette’s gaze and watches him as he takes out a red box from his sack bag pack.
“Happy Valentine’s day.”
Chanyeol doesn’t move, doesn’t flinch. He only stares at Baekhyun, unconvinced by the wide smile the brunette is sporting.
“Baekhyun.. Valentine’s day will be next month.. It’s just New Year tonight...”
The brunette continues to smile at him.
“I know... But I like to celebrate things in advance,” Baekhyun tries to sound as cheerful as he can and looks straight at Chanyeol’s eyes in attempts to convince the other that there is absolutely nothing wrong.
But Chanyeol only looks at him in the eyes, transferring from one to another as if wanting to show Baekhyun that he knows something is wrong. That he knows Baekyhyun isn’t happy.
“Baek-“
Baekhyun cuts him off before he could continue.
“You don’t want it?”
The petite male musters a pout as his shoulder slumps and motions to put back the gift in his bag. But Chanyeol was fast to catch him by the wrist, ceasing the smaller’s action. There was a short pause as Chanyeol stares at Baekhyun with brows furrowed while the latter only stares at his bony wrists in Chanyeol’s grasp.
Baekhyun doesn‘t like it when they are like this. When there’s a deafening silence invading them, when he knows there are millions of words they can say to each other, millions of things they could be doing together. It feels like every word unsaid, every second passing, every breath he takes is getting wasted. With Chanyeol, he wants things to continually happen. For the things he wants to do with Chanyeol fall to pieces. For them to fall into pieces that will fit together perfectly and-Baekhyun’s heart twists as realization dawns on him.
When will they ever be able to say it? After all this time, would he have the courage to actually tell Chanyeol his true feelings?
He looks up at Chanyeol and he immediately regrets it as the tears he had been trying to keep in threatens to fall the moment he sees the look on Chanyeol’s face. The worried look on his face. The emotions he doesn’t like the other to harbour.
Chanyeol sees all of this; he sees the way Baekhyun’s eyes waver in his gaze, the way he bites his lower lip as to stop them from quivering and stop the sob he wouldn’t dare let out.
“Baekhyun what’s wrong-“
But Baekhyun doesn’t want Chanyeol to ask him that. He doesn’t want Chanyeol sharing the pain he has. He can keep the pain in. He doesn’t want Chanyeol feeling the same pain. Because the pain is too much-too painful for him and it will kill him to see the man he loves being in the same pain he feels.
He isn’t ready to tell Chanyeol just yet.
Or maybe.. maybe he won’t let Chanyeol ever know...because it's’ better that way.
It’s fine if he’s the only one hurting.. At least he can leave a happy memory to Chanyeol. At least in the end, Chanyeol would remember him as that person who loved him back.
The person who couldn't do anything but love him back.
So to stop Chanyeol from asking further, he does the thing he can think of to effectively shut up the other.
Chanyeol is surprised by the action. He couldn’t believe Baekhyun would do such a thing on his own accord but he can feel it right now: Baekhyun’s lips are soft against his.
The petite male isn’t his first kiss but Chanyeol once heard from Kris that a first kiss with the person you love makes you feel so happy, so complete, like the world becomes a completely different world and all you see is the person you love. But Chanyeol is nowhere near happy as he cups Baekhyun’s face with both hands. It was not just for a romantic gesture of a man kissing the person he loves but a sad gesture to wipe away the tears full of sorrow that continues to stream down Baekhyun’s face.
He is sad. The sweet taste of the vanilla ice cream they ate turns into a salty one. Chanyeol has always thought his first kiss with Baekhyun would be something magical and would have his heart bursting out of his chest.
But instead, he feels his heart twisting in pain. He shares his first kiss with the man he loves in sadness and in tears. He felt it when he Baekhyun wraps his arms around his neck before pulling away and burying his face on his chest to muffle the sob that he could not anymore keep in.
Chanyeol wanted to comfort him, help him, and tell him that everything’s going to be okay but he doesn’t even know what is wrong. So instead he hugs Baekhyun tight as if his life depends on it.
Baekhyun promised not to cry. He promised not to let the fear get to him. He promised to ignore everything and spend the night happily with Chanyeol. But everything reminds him of his time running out. Every second ticks away his time and soon he will disappear.
He is afraid, so afraid and as he feels the warmth of the man he loves hugging him tight, he let out the thing that scares him.
“I’m afraid,” he chokes out, voice muffled by the fabric of Chanyeol’s shirt. He shudders when he feels Chanyeol starts to caress the hair at the back of his head.
“What are you afraid of Baek? What’s making you cry?”
And that.
That question from the very person who will be separated from him, from the very person he wants to share his whole life with breaks him down to a point he couldn’t control. He pushes away from Chanyeol, eyes looking directly at the latter even though all he sees are swaying outlines of Chanyeol’s image as his vision gets blurred by the tears he couldn’t stop spilling from his eyes.
“This. This, Chanyeol. I’m afraid this will end. I don’t want this to end. I’m scared of everyday, counting the few days I can see you. Every day my fear of that day increases and it kills me. I don’t want them to take me away, Chanyeol. I don’t want to-”, Baekhyun pauses to sniffle. “..Lose you.”
Those words hit Chanyeol like a tsunami hitting the shore with full force. He remembers what he overhears that one time he wanted to visit Baekhyun on surprise.
“So... is it final?”
Chanyeol stops on his tracks when he hears the serious tone of Kyungsoo who is sitting beside Baekhyun.
“I don’t know.. I think so. We’re migrating back so I don’t think I can actually coax them into letting me stay.”
Chanyeol watches in wide eyes as Baekhyun buries his face in his arms folded on the table. He takes one step back, two steps, and another one before he turns around and sprints away with one thing registered in his head: Baekhyun is leaving.
The words Baekhyun let out about him having to leave doesn’t really surprise Chanyeol. He knew before that Baekhyun is going to leave. Although it did hurt him that Baekhyun continued to hide it from him, he still patiently waited. He waited for Baekhyun to inform him about it because he knows that Baekhyun is hurting just as much as he is. Their feelings for each other have already developed into something that both of them cannot run away and cower from. They have been way in it too deep that they don’t need to say the words to know that it exists.
That love exists.
So Chanyeol hugs Baekhyun tighter as he whispers the words even he finds hard to do without being scared.
“Then stop counting the days. Stop counting the remaining time we have. What’s important is how we spend the remaining time we have together. Let’s be happy during those moments.. Let’s make beautiful memories together. Memories we can look back to when we meet again. When we find our way back to each other again.”
When we meet again..
Baekhyun wants to hold onto those words; that there will be an again for them. But he knows he’s just going to be lying to himself if he believes in those words.
Baekhyun stays still, face buried against Chanyeol’s chest to hide his tears.
He doesn’t see the tears that started to spill from Chanyeol’s eyes as he kisses the top of his head.
Chanyeol could still feel his shirt getting wet from Baekhyun’s tears.
That was the time when Baekhyun stopped counting the time. The time when he tried to forget that their time together is running out.
Because he wants to make happy and beautiful memories with Chanyeol. Memories he could look back to when they’re apart from each other.
When the time comes that he has to disappear.
If only he could remember..
That night, Chanyeol gathers Baekhyun in his arms and doesn’t stop the tears rolling down his cheeks because even when in his sleep, Baekhyun cries.
Baekhyun hurts.
***
It’s three days after when it began.
Baekhyun thought he was already ready for that day.
But he was so wrong.
He, Kai, and Chanyeol were busy having their lunch when Chanyeol starts to cough violently. At first Baekhyun thought Chanyeol is just choking on his food. It was after a few minutes later, when Chanyeol’s grip on his chopsticks tightens, eyes watering, and face turning red as he continues to cough that Baekhyun realizes it already is starting.
Fear surges into his whole body, almost dizzying as different scenes flash in his head like a flashback.
The fear is too much. His heart is twisting in pain. His hands are trembling and his knees feel weak. But he manages to rise up from his seat and run away, the sound of Chanyeol violently coughing still echoing in his head.
Baekhyun covers his ears with his sweaty palms, eyes dilated, and heart beating in an abnormally rapid pace. He feels dizzy and the world seems to be swaying along with him. It was only when he stops running in no particular direction that he notices he could actually make out anything in his vision as his eyes gets blurred by his tears.
He was crying.
Because it’s unfair. It’s so fucking unfair. Why does he have to leave twice. Why couldn’t he stay..
Baekhyun falls to his knees, not minding the zooming of the cars, nor the blurred faces that turn to him.
“He’s leaving me again.”
***
Baekhyun is back to the past again but it’s only after two days of sobbing and endless heartaches that he is able to gather the courage to meet Chanyeol again.
“I thought you’d never come back after seeing me almost cough my lungs out.”
Baekhyun bites his lower lip. He tries to muster up a smile but he couldn’t.
“Shut up. I only came back because I missed you.”
Chanyeol lets out a small laugh, but it only ends into him coughing again. He was worried that the brunette would run away again, but then a cold, skinny hand began to soothingly rub at his back.
“I’m sorry.”
Baekhyun doesn’t look up at Chanyeol as he takes a seat next to the latter on his bed and plays with the latter’s fingers, gathering them from one side to another.
“Stupid. What are you even saying sorry about..” Chanyeol motions to sit up but the brunette gently pushed him back to the bed.
“For leaving you..”
Baekhyun’s time is running out. Sooner, he will have to disappear and so he cannot afford to waste the moments they have together.
He has to tell him before it gets too late again.
Baekhyun leans down and rests his head on Chanyeol’s chest.
“I miss you..”
Chanyeol lifts a hand to caress the petite male’s hair.
“I really, really miss you…”
Chanyeol hums because he doesn’t want Baekhyun to hear his voice cracking as tears begins to swell down his cheeks again.
He feels his shirt getting wet again and he doesn’t need to look at the petite male’s face to confirm that he is crying. And his heart shatters into pieces as he feels the trembling breathing of the man he loves because he knows that someday, sometime soon, Baekhyun is leaving his side.
***
A week has passed and the amount of time Baekhyun could stay by Chanyeol’s side increased. He doesn’t disappear in the middle of the night anymore. He wakes up by Chanyeol’s side when the coughing gets too painful and Chanyeol’s knuckles turn white as he grips on his bed sheets. Baekhyun has been there, trying to look strong, and crying when he thinks the other is asleep.
It took a week after that. Baekhyun is finally able to convince Chanyeol to be confined in a hospital although he still refuses to have his mom informed about his health condition, saying that this isn't something serious.
Some days are spent with them joking and laughing together, some days are spent with them warmly cuddling on Chanyeol’s narrow hospital bed and whispering sweet nonsense that has both of their cheeks turning into a beautiful shade of crimson, while other days are spent with heart breaks and tears. Baekhyun watches as Chanyeol struggles to live longer.
A few days after, Baekhyun is able to call Chanyeol’s mom about his son’s health condition. His mom needs to travel for two days to arrive home and Baekhyun hoped and prayed to God for Chanyeol to stay strong until he can. If not for him, then for his mom.
*
“Mom, I want to live longer.”
Baekhyun didn’t have the courage to step inside Chanyeol’s hospital room when he hears the man he loves and his mom crying as Chanyeol begs to let him live longer.
Baekhyun falls to his knees.
Suddenly, he feels even more scared. Because he knows the time is coming close but he doesn’t know when. That’s what makes him tremble more. Because he knows someday he wouldn’t see that face anymore, that face that had him screaming at the top of his lungs in annoyance, that face that had him blushing to his nose with just a simple gesture.
The face of the one and only person he fell in love with.
*
::
“You can change what happened around you, but not your destiny together. You can’t change what’s destined to happen to him.”
::
*
Baekhyun impatiently waits by the school gate, hand trembling and knees weakening.
Kai needs to know. They all need to know.
This time, they need to know.
Baekhyun waits and waits but no Kai appears in his sight. Instead, he sees Tao passing by him and something in the chinese man’s hand caught his eyes.
Tao has a new phone.
It took a few seconds with his heart falling all the way down to his toes before he wheezes around and starts running back to the hospital.
He needs to be by his side.
By Chanyeol’s side.
It’s today.
It’s today.
**
Baekhyun’s breathing is heavy; his heart is beating fast, as he stares at Chanyeol. Chanyeol looks up at him, a familiar red notebook on his hand.
“Chanyeol..” All he could do is whisper his name.
**