[Entry 5] Texts and Angel Feathers [4/9]
Chanyeol texted back the next day.
Upon seeing Chanyeol’s name flash across the screen, Baekhyun ignored the text. Baekhyun had stayed out with Jongdae and the others all night, and he was way too tired to deal with anything that the other might say, so when his phone vibrated again, he put it in a drawer and hid himself under his blankets.
Jongdae came into his room and ignored the lack of the usual sparkle in Baekhyun’s eyes. “I have no duties today and you haven’t been doing much, so do you want to go out and just waste some time together? Who knows what we’ll do…”
Baekhyun quickly agreed, pretty much pulling Jongdae out of the house by his sleeve.
The two returned home hours later, laughing and singing wildly. Not long after returning, Jongdae left to get some ice cream that he claimed would make Baekhyun’s socks fly off. Baekhyun wasn’t sure why ice cream would affect his socks, or if he even wanted his socks to come off, but he nodded skeptically to Jongdae as he left anyway.
Baekhyun continued singing softly as he looked around his room for his phone before finding it in a drawer.
At the sight of Chanyeol’s name and the notification of 29 new text messages, Baekhyun sighed before opening his inbox to read them.
From Chanyeol: “Byun Baek I need to tell you something.”
Baekhyun braced himself as he read the next text.
From Chanyeol: “So I visited your grave today…”
Baekhyun blinked, wordlessly flicking through his inbox as he read each individual text.
From Chanyeol: “I put down some white roses. I know they were your favorites.”
From Chanyeol: “I had some waiting for you at home with another gift after we argued that day too. I thought it’d make us better.”
From Chanyeol: “I actually wanted to visit yesterday, but I got kind of busy with Kyungsoo.”
From Chanyeol: “But anyways, I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you.”
From Chanyeol: “… Well obviously, if I’m texting you… right?”
From Chanyeol: “I’m sorry, I’m rambling. I’m nervous. I should just get this over with, right? Not like you’re going to read it…”
From Chanyeol: “… I need to calm down. I’m wayyyy too nervous.”
From Chanyeol: “Okay, well, I need to tell you something. And I’m just going to come out with it because rambling isn’t working.”
From Chanyeol: “And I know you’re not going to get these, but it’s kind of a stress reliever or something. … I can always pretend, right?”
From Chanyeol: “Baek… I really miss you.”
From Chanyeol: “And maybe it’s safe to tell you now because I wanted to before, but I couldn’t…”
From Chanyeol: “So… here goes nothing.”
From Chanyeol: “Aishiteru.”
From Chanyeol: “Te amo.”
From Chanyeol: “Je t’aime.”
From Chanyeol: “Saranghaeyo.”
From Chanyeol: “Byun Baekhyun, I love you.”
From Chanyeol: “I have for years.”
From Chanyeol: “And I will love you forever.”
The door slamming and Jongdae’s boisterous laughter caught Baekhyun’s attention, forcing him to look up from the screen, turning his attention to Jongdae, who was holding a couple of tubs of ice cream.
“I got a lot from Minseok, so we can…” Jongdae’s voice trailed off as he noticed the blank look on Baekhyun’s face. “Whoa, what happened to you? Once second you’re drunk on life, and now you’re broken.”
Baekhyun stared at Jongdae blankly for a few seconds as though his brain was still trying to comprehend what was happening and trying to get his muscles to take the correct course of action for everything to progress normally. He wanted to run away. This isn’t happening; this isn’t happening. He wanted to put down his phone or throw it at the wall or just will it to burst into flames - anything that made it seem like this wasn’t happening. He wanted to avoid the conversation and awkward situation all together, but he found himself turning back to the screen to read the remaining texts with a bemused frown.
From Chanyeol: “… I wish you could tell me that you love me back.”
From Chanyeol: “I wanted to tell you. I really did. But I couldn’t. You left me before I could… Think of the days we could have spent together if you said yes…”
From Chanyeol: “But hell, I don’t think you even liked me back. That’s why I was such a coward. I’d rather keep it a secret than have you run away and never talk to me again…”
From Chanyeol: “I was scared of the rejection, so I chose to be alone. Now I wish I wasn’t.”
From Chanyeol: “… People tell me to stop texting you, but for some reason, I can’t. It just feels so right, you know…”
From Chanyeol: “I’m sorry for all the texts. I just really needed to get this off my chest. I love you Byun Baek. Never forget that.”
From Chanyeol: “I’ll wait forever for the day when you’ll see me as more than just a friend. Even if I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.”
From Chanyeol: “We were supposed to be together forever right? I’m not going to break that promise.”
“That’s not good…” Jongdae’s voice from over Baekhyun’s shoulder startled him. “That’s really not good.” Jongdae took Baekhyun’s phone and shoved him onto the couch, exclaiming, “Operation Ice-Cream-Cheer-Up-614!” and started shoveling ice cream into Baekhyun’s mouth until he laughed, choked, and lashed out on Jongdae in anger from a brain freeze, but Jongdae’s laughter made him smile, even if just for a moment.
---------------
The next day, Baekhyun laid in bed all day and stared at the ceiling while his mind swirled with countless thoughts of his life.
Chanyeol’s mass of texts from the day before were stuck in his mind, and no matter what he did, they wouldn’t go away.
‘Byun Baekhyun, I love you.’
Baekhyun winced. This was not something he needed to deal with right now.
And besides... he and Chanyeol were just friends. They used to be friends. He didn’t see Chanyeol like that at all… right?
Chanyeol was that weird kid that he met one day at some playground, and eventually became really great friends with. They were nothing more. They had spent the better part of 10 years together and Baekhyun thought that he had known everything about Chanyeol that there was to know. They had too many memories for their friendship to be ruined by something like these unnecessary emotions.
Baekhyun sighed into his bed, reminiscing about old memories of his best friend when he realized that he remembers a lot about Chanyeol.
He remembers when he met Chanyeol over ten years ago, when they were eight, how much he liked ferrets.
He remembers the first time Chanyeol gave him a present not even on his birthday, but it was a sticker of a ferret, and because Chanyeol said it was one of his most treasured items, Baekhyun treasured it too (even though he didn’t like ferrets nearly as much as Chanyeol).
He remembers how squishy Chanyeol’s face looked, and how on multiple occasions Baekhyun wanted to squeeze his cheeks together and make Chanyeol say, “Chubby Bunny,” until he couldn’t resist the urge to, but Chanyeol kept laughing in the midst of it.
He remembers the anger in Chanyeol’s eyes when two boys were bullying Baekhyun on the playground. He remembers the admiration he felt when Chanyeol chased them away and helped him stand up and made him feel like a king for the rest of the day.
He remembers staring up to Chanyeol in amazement when he pretty much grew an entire foot over summer break and lost his signature chubbiness that Baekhyun had grown fond of. He remembers pouting when Chanyeol laughed down to him after getting something from a shelf Baekhyun couldn’t reach. He remembers how Chanyeol stood on top of the slide on the old playground near his house, raised his arms and shouted that he was on top of the world.
He remembers noticing Chanyeol by how he stood a head taller than everyone else in their class and how his auburn hair caught the sunlight and made it look like his head was on fire.
He remembers laughing at Chanyeol the first time his voice cracked in front of him and noticing the adorable blush on his cheeks when he playfully pushed Baekhyun away, telling him to stop.
Then he remembered the first time he heard Chanyeol say his name his deep, suave voice and when he laughed in that same deep tone at the surprised look on Baekhyun’s face.
He remembers every time he watched Chanyeol play his guitar, the way his eyes fluttered closed and the soft smile on his lips, how serene that he looked, and Baekhyun wished to make Chanyeol look that happy on a daily basis just by being around him.
He remembers the shocked look on Chanyeol’s face the first time Chanyeol successfully convinced Baekhyun to sing for him, the confidence in his voice when he made Baekhyun audition for the talent show, and the pride in Chanyeol’s eyes when Baekhyun won. Baekhyun remembers taking a single white rose from the bouquet Chanyeol gave him and playing with the petals as he lay on his bed, with a wide toothy grin on his face.
He remembers the heat in his cheeks their first year of high school together when Chanyeol stepped out of the pool in the gym. It wasn’t the first time Baekhyun had seen Chanyeol half-naked and dripping with pool water, but this time seemed distinctly different. He remembers staring as his eyes drank in every little detail - the way his wet swim trunks molded to the curvature of Chanyeol’s body, the way the water clung to his chest and biceps as though it didn’t want to let go, the way his damp hair fell in front of his eyes until he flipped it back with a dazzling smile in his direction, and the way Baekhyun’s heart sped up and he couldn’t avert his eyes he did so. He remembers that.
He remembers the time he sat in between Chanyeol’s legs as he played his piano and Chanyeol messed with his hair lazily, humming the melody of the song into Baekhyun’s ear. He remembers the way his chest tightened as it got harder and harder to breathe and his thoughts strayed away from the song he was playing and he focused on Chanyeol’s fingers in his hair, or Chanyeol’s soft, deep voice and his breath on his ear…
He remembered watching Chanyeol’s eyes follow a new student around as he blanked out while staring at her rather than paying attention to him and listening to their own conversations. He remembers that weird upset feeling that he couldn’t place, but he hadn’t been able to shake it for the day until he and Chanyeol went home together.
He remembers when they spent Valentine’s Day alone together, sarcastically making comments at sappy romance movies and failing at baking brownies together, which just ended in a flour fight in the middle of the kitchen. They also fed each other the brownie batter which somehow turned into throwing it at each other with their wooden spoons. He remembers seeing Chanyeol’s bright smile plastered on his chocolate covered face as he laughed, and Baekhyun thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
He remembered lying next to Chanyeol the night before the accident, curled up in Chanyeol’s arms as the giant sleepily mumbled, “I’ll stay with you forever, Baekhyun,” and the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach at the moment. It was a moment he wished would never end. He recalled how he stayed awake after he was sure that Chanyeol fell asleep and turned in his arms to run his finger across the sleeping giant’s face, dazed by their proximity. He brushed his auburn hair back with his fingertips and ran his fingers over his soft skin. He vaguely remembers staring at his lips, wondering what they felt like, what they tasted like, or how they would fit between his own before drifting off to sleep.
He also remembers waking up to that angelic, sleeping face (and Chanyeol’s mother’s screams) the next morning and being rather grumpy about the thoughts from the night before, dismissing them as an irrational, sleep-induced delusion (when he knew deep deep deep inside that they really weren’t). He also remembered thinking of how weird it was to even have thoughts like those about his best friend, and tried to avoid him for the rest of the day so those butterflies wouldn’t come back whenever he saw Chanyeol’s face or when Chanyeol’s hands even brushed against his. He was grumpy because he simply just didn’t understand why he thought that or why Chanyeol made him feel that way.
Baekhyun sat up quickly. Hell, it’s always been about Chanyeol, hasn’t it? Baekhyun shook his head and rubbed circles around his temples. Why did it take so long to realize it? Why did it take Chanyeol telling him first for him to stop denying the thought that he could have been in love with his best friend?
Baekhyun groaned. He wasn’t not sure when he fell in love with Chanyeol. Whether it was when he was a ferret crazed freak, finally got his growth spurt, or when they sang their first duet and Baekhyun realized how good they sounded together, he didn’t know. Maybe it was the first time his laugh made Baekhyun’s ears long for the sound, or his sad face made him want to hug him and never let go, or when Chanyeol would whisper in his ears and make his cheeks heat up. Maybe it was the first time they met. Maybe it was the last moment they spent together. Maybe he fell in love with him over and over again.
Baekhyun wasn’t sure when it happened. He just knew that it did, indeed, happen.
He took in a deep breath.
“I’m in love with Chanyeol.”
The sound of his sentence reaching his ears made him feel whole. He suddenly felt relaxed. He felt chains release him. He felt more lighthearted, like he had told his biggest secret aloud and no longer had any reason to hide it.
Yep… I’m definitely in love with Chanyeol.
But then a sharp pain shot through Baekhyun’s chest. And now… I won’t be able to tell him.
-------
Upon his return to the house after a long day of delivering messages, Jongdae found Baekhyun sitting at the table with his head folded down in the crook of his arm.
Jongdae sighed as he pulled out a chair next to him and let his satchel to fall to the floor. “Is there something wrong?” When he got no response, he asked softer, “Do you want to talk about it?” Baekhyun slowly shook his head. Jongdae frowned and responded, “Well we’re going to anyways.”
Baekhyun didn’t look up.
“Is it something about Chanyeol?
Baekhyun didn’t move, much to Jongdae’s annoyance. The messenger groaned. “You can talk. You can say anything you want to say. Just to get it off your mind.”
Baekhyun still showed no signs of acknowledging him, which prompted Jongdae to respond, “Or if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. You can just sit around in misery.”
Baekhyun’s face sank further into his arms and he made a soft whimpering sound. Jongdae put his arm around Baekhyun’s shoulder and nudged him a little, saying, “Come on, Baek. Something. Just say anything. The first thing that comes to mind.”
It took a few seconds for Baekhyun to mumble softly, “It’s just weird to think that I could have been in love with him for years and not know it.”
Jongdae raised an eyebrow. “You actually like him back?”
Baekhyun stood quickly and shouted at the ceiling, catching Jongdae off guard.
“At first I thought it was weird that he liked me, but what the heck, I’ve probably liked that dude since the sixth grade oh my god, Jongdae, help me.”
Jongdae blinked and frowned. “Well there’s nothing to do about it now.”
Baekhyun paced back and forth before stopping in front of the couch and flopped down, sinking into the cushions as he cried internally. “I know, that’s the problem. But how am I supposed to just sit around and watch while my best friend goes off and falls in love with someone else and fucking marries them?”
Jongdae winced and whispered, “Language!” but Baekhyun ignored him as he covered his face in a pillow to muffle his groans.
A few seconds of silence passed before Baekhyun sniffed softly. Jongdae was getting tired of Baekhyun’s bipolarity.
Jongdae stood slowly and sat next to Baekhyun on the couch. He pulled Baekhyun into his lap and hugged him tightly. “Hey, hey… it’s okay. I’m here.”
Baekhyun slowly curled his arms around Jongdae’s back and leaned into his chest, whispering into the soft cloth of his shirt, “Thank you.”
Jongdae allowed a minute of silence to pass before he frowned and glanced away before asking softly,
“You know, Baek, why don’t you just let go?” Baekhyun tensed up a little, prompting Jongdae to continue. “Maybe you should just forget about him and go on with your life. If it’s bothering you, maybe you should just stop.”
Baekhyun’s arms tightened a bit around Jongdae. “That thought never occurred to me before… How am I supposed to let go of someone that I’ve been holding on to for so long? Chanyeol was… Chanyeol is… everything… how am I just supposed to let go of that? I don’t know how to do that…”
Jongdae silenced and looked down to Baekhyun, not knowing how to respond.
Baekhyun sighed and mumbled, “There’s so much more I wished to do in life.”
Jongdae ran his fingers through the thin, brown strands Baekhyun’s hair and nodded slowly. “I’m sure everyone you talk to here will say the same thing.”
Baekhyun’s fingers tightened in Jongdae’s shirt. “I just wish I had more time to sort out my feelings… or at least recognize his! I never even noticed that he felt that way - I never even noticed I felt that way.” Baekhyun sniffed and allowed a couple of seconds of silence to ensue before whispering, “I’ll never even get to tell him.”
Jongdae frowned. “Life’s unfair like that.”
After a large amount of silence, Baekhyun spoke up. “I argued with him on our last day together. Over something stupid. I wish we had spent that day together instead of being mad at each other…” He paused and sighed into Jongdae’s arms. “There’s so many things I wanted to do that I can’t…” He sniffed. “I wanted to go to college with him and get into the music industry with him. We should have spent more time together doing the little things that we appreciated. We could have had more dinners together or simply just be in each other’s presence more. We were supposed to lie around on the roof and laugh at the memories in that photo album on Chanyeol’s birthday, and we didn’t even get to do that…” Baekhyun lifted his head and stared down to Jongdae. “We can’t even sit like this!”
Jongdae smiled. “You can always pretend that I’m Chanyeol.”
Baekhyun scoffed and put his head back on his shoulder. “You’re not tall or cute enough to be.”
Jongdae lifted Baekhyun’s head and stared at him in mock hurt. “You don’t think I’m cute?”
Baekhyun smiled a little. “Not as cute as Chanyeol.”
Jongdae rolled his eyes and lifted Baekhyun off his lap, opting to set him next to him again. Baekhyun looked up to Jongdae and smiled. “We can still be friends though!”
Jongdae looked down to Baekhyun, relieved to see the other smiling. “I’m good with that. Plus there’s a cute angel I’ve got my eye on already…”
Baekhyun glanced over to Jongdae with a playful smile on his lips. “Oh? Who’s the lucky angel?”
Jongdae stood and stretched before he glanced down to Baekhyun with a smile. “Not telling. But I heard a myth that if you surprise one of the angels in charge of storms enough, they sneeze lightning… or their sneezes sound like thunder or something. Wanna go prove a myth?”
Baekhyun smiled and jumped up, racing Jongdae to the door.
---------------
It was another boring day at school, just like all of the ones before it. The days were beginning to blur together.
Chanyeol had dragged himself home from school that day looking forward to the upcoming weekend and how he was going to waste it away by doing nothing the entire time.
It had been a while since Chanyeol admitted to himself and Baekhyun (or well… his phone at least) that he was in love with the short brunette boy, and Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel more lighthearted after finally getting it out. He wasn’t plagued with the secret anymore, and it seemed much easier to text him now. Despite that, the change in his actual attitude was rather minimal.
He didn’t interact with people much, he refused to clean anything, he barely ate, and he generally would just lie around all day. Sometimes Chanyeol himself wondered if he was even still alive, but Jongin’s constant nagging, the burden of school work, and the lack of Baekhyun’s presence assured him that he was. Recently, he found he could care less about school. He started going to the arcade more often than studying, and started gliding by on B’s and some C’s instead of A’s. Chanyeol blamed it on ‘senioritis’ and did nothing else to fix it. His state of disdain for anything other than Baekhyun was overwhelming.
He currently found himself engulfed in a book, but he had actually been stuck on that one page for the past 20 minutes.
A knock on the door downstairs broke his intense concentration on the word he had been staring at blankly for the past couple of minutes. Chanyeol faintly wondered who it was, before remembering that Jongin had planned to come over to study, but he hadn’t given him a specific time to meet up. Chanyeol didn’t move from his position. There was a spare key somewhere outside the house, and he knew that Jongin knew where it was.
That’s why Chanyeol didn’t look up when Jongin threw his door open a couple of seconds later.
“Chanyeol, you weren’t answering any of my texts, so I just came over because I assumed you wouldn’t mind.” Jongin glanced around Chanyeol’s uncharacteristically untidy room. “But it seems as though you’re too busy to care anyways.”
Chanyeol mumbled something incoherent, refusing to look up from the book he was supposedly reading. He even flipped a page to make it look more believable.
Jongin continued to scrutinize Chanyeol’s room, and as his eyes landed on Chanyeol’s phone hidden beneath a pile of clothes, Jongin stated, “Kyungsoo will be up here soon. You might want to clean up a little or he’ll destroy your ass.” Jongin picked up his phone and cleared the majority of his texts and notifications from the home screen.
Chanyeol sighed. “Kyungsoo can clean if he wants to, but this is now my natural habitat.”
Jongin scoffed, slightly annoyed. “Since when have you become one of us? You were always the ‘Mr. Organized’ of the group when it came to…”
It took Chanyeol a couple of seconds to realize Jongin’s voice had faded. When he glanced up to see why, Jongin’s hand was shoving his phone into his face.
“What the hell is this?!”
Chanyeol squinted at the bright light from the screen. “My phone.”
“No, this fucking text log.”
Chanyeol’s eyes focused on the screen before took in a deep breath.
“… It’s Baekhyun’s.”
“It says you texted him… Yesterday.”
“… I did.”
Jongin narrowed his eyes. “You text our dead friend?”
Chanyeol covered his ears, scrunching up his nose distastefully. “Don’t say it like that.”
“Why the hell do you do that?!”
“Because I miss him…”
Jongin growled and pushed Chanyeol off his bed. “That’s not a good enough reason.”
“Then what the hell is?!” Chanyeol yelled back, matching Jongin’s annoyed tone.
“There is no reason to cover this! You’re being a depressed little shit and it’s driving me insane!” Jongin grabbed Chanyeol’s collar and showed his room to him. “Look at your room! Would Baekhyun be proud of this?”
“Baek’s room was always this messy!”
“Is that why you let it get this messy? So you feel ‘closer to Baek’ or whatever?!” Chanyeol didn’t respond. “God, Chanyeol,” Jongin shouted as he dropped him to the floor, “does this really make you happy? Does texting Baekhyun give you some feeling of accomplishment in your life or something?”
Jongin made a big deal of preparing to send a text from Chanyeol’s phone. Chanyeol tried to get up to stop him, but Jongin put his foot on his chest and pushed him into the floor.
He read aloud as he typed.
“Oh, hi there Byun Freaking Baekhyun!”
“Jongin, stop it!”
“It’s so much fun pretending you’re still alive as though you didn’t leave me behind to suffer! As though you didn’t leave all of your friends behind to suffer!”
Jongin made a big deal out of pushing the send button as he continued reading the texts aloud as he typed them, still pinning Chanyeol to the ground.
“It’s so god damn fun dealing with the depression! And the pain! And oh ho ho, look at me pretending to be alright!”
“Jongin, stop!”
“Look at me being Park Chanyeol - the only guy who can’t get over the fact that you’re dead because I’m the only one pretending that you’re not!”
“Don’t send that to him, Jongin, stop!”
“You text him so often and he can’t even read them!” Jongin spat down to him. “Do you even tell him the truth?!”
Jongin went back to typing. “Baekhyun, I bet you don’t know my grades are slipping! I bet you don’t know that during lunch, I cry alone in the bathrooms! I bet you don’t know that your mother is slowly getting over you by now and I’m still caught in my delusional world where we could have eternity together!”
Jongin glared down to Chanyeol and said mockingly, “Because I love you, you little Byuntae. And even though you’re gone, I’ll love you forever!” Jongin threw his head back and scoffed. “Hell, Baekhyun didn’t even love you, you idiot! Baekhyun liked girls, didn’t you notice?!”
Chanyeol screamed underneath Jongin, pressing his hands to his ears as he shouted, trying to get Jongin’s voice out of his head.
Jongin typed again. “Hell, you don’t even get these texts, yet I keep typing to you. I re-open these wounds of me, your family, our friends, and our classmates just because I’m so damn…” Jongin paused as he glared down to Chanyeol. “… weak.”
“I’m weak, I’m lonely, and I hate it! All because you had to disappear, dammit!”
Hearing the commotion, Kyungsoo quickly ran up the stairs, eyes wide at the scene in front of him. “What the hell is this?”
Jongin huffed. “Did you know he texts Baekhyun’s phone?”
Kyungsoo gave a hesitant nod and slowly walked toward Jongin, replying, “It makes him feel better…”
“Makes him feel better, my ass! You think it’s suddenly okay because it makes him feel better?!”
“Jongin, calm down…”
Jongin pushed Kyungsoo into the wall, shouting, “You too! Why is everyone sitting around thinking this is okay?! We’re about to graduate and you guys think this okay? Baek is gone, and neither of you can cope with that!”
Jongin threw Chanyeol’s phone to the ground. “Listen, Park Chanyeol! We were all Baekhyun’s friends just as much as you were! Watching you pretend that he’s still here is hurting us all as much as it’s hurting you! Will you just give it up and accept the fact that he’s dead already?! He’s been dead for months Chanyeol, just get the hell over it!”
“Jongin!” Kyungsoo grabbed Jongin’s wrist and pulled him away from Chanyeol. Jongin glared in Chanyeol’s direction as Kyungsoo dragged him out of the room and out of Chanyeol’s house.
Chanyeol sat up slowly and pulled his knees into his chest, hugging his legs tightly as he whimpered,
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”
-------
Baekhyun was lying on his bed with Jongdae staring at the ceiling when his phone vibrated. Both of them looked at the phone, and Jongdae grabbed it first.
“From Chanyeol,” Jongdae read, “Oh hi there Byun Freaking Baekhyun…”
Baekhyun blinked and sat up quickly. “Are you sure it’s from Chanyeol?”
Jongdae nodded as the phone vibrated again. “It’s so much fun texting you and pretending you’re still…” Jongdae’s voice trailed off as he skimmed over the rest of the rest of the text before looking up to Baekhyun in slight shock.
Baekhyun blinked at the expression on his friend’s face. “What? What does it say?”
Jongdae looked back down to the phone as he turned his back to Baekhyun and mumbled, “Nothing,” as the phone vibrated again.
Baekhyun pushed Jongdae off the bed, saying, “Show me what he said, Jongdae - I don’t care if it’s fluffy and stuff, just don’t read it; it’s embarrassing!”
Baekhyun threw himself on top of Jongdae, pinning him to the ground as Jongdae shook his head quickly. “Don’t read it, don’t read it!”
Baekhyun stopped struggling as Jongdae struggled underneath him. He flipped his hair and sighed,
“Why? Why can’t I read a text directed to me?”
Jongdae stared up to Baekhyun, noting the sadness in the other’s eyes. “… I just don’t think you’d like it.”
“Why… why?” Baekhyun sincerely looked like he was going to cry.
Panicking a little, Jongdae replied nervously, “Well… well don’t worry about it!” as his eyes flitted around the room, hoping to think of anything else but Baekhyun’s puppy dog face and the phone vibrating in his hand as he blurted out anything that came to mind. “We can do some other stuff like cloud race or make some rainbows, and - Hey!”
Baekhyun snatched his phone out of Jongdae’s hand and ran out of the room and into another before he read the texts.
“Oh hi there, Byun Freaking Baekhyun. It’s so much fun pretending you’re still alive as though you didn’t leave me behind to suffer… As though you didn’t leave all of your friends behind to suffer…” Jongdae stood behind Baekhyun, frowning as he finally caught up to him and listened to him read the texts. “It’s so god damn fun dealing with the depression… and the pain… and look at me, pretending to be alright. Look at me being Park Chanyeol, the only guy who can’t get over the fact that you’re dead because I’m the only one pretending that you’re not…”
Baekhyun’s breath hitched as Jongdae took a step forward and whispered, “Baek…” but Baekhyun shook his head as he flicked to the next text.
“Baekhyun, I bet you don’t know my grades are slipping. I bet you don’t know that during lunch, I cry alone in the bathrooms... I bet you don’t know that your mother is slowly getting over you by now and I’m still caught in my delusional world where we could have eternity together…” Baekhyun stopped reading aloud as his eyes flittered over the rest of the texts. These were the things Chanyeol wouldn’t tell me? Baekhyun’s mind raced through all the happier texts - the ones where Chanyeol told him that everything was fine, but that he missed him a lot. A lot was an understatement… wasn’t it?
Jongdae put a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder as Baekhyun’s phone continued vibrating and Baekhyun’s eyes scanned the incomings texts. “Hey… hey…” Jongdae slid the phone out of his hand and walked over to a drawer and put the phone inside of it before walking back to Baekhyun and wrapping his arms around the boy. “Hey, it’s okay… it’s okay…”
Baekhyun’s breath hitched as he attempted to speak. “I-it… it’s all my fault…”
“No, no it’s not your fault…”
“I left him alone… I left them all alone…”
“That’s not your fault - you couldn’t have done anything about it.”
Baekhyun’s mind raced back to November 24th. If only he had finished Chanyeol’s present earlier. If only he hadn’t had that stupid argument with Chanyeol. If only he had gone home with Chanyeol instead of dragging Kyungsoo all across the city to look for something perfect to give to Chanyeol and complain about all of his problems… If only he had listened to Kyungsoo when he said he wanted to go home earlier… Baekhyun’s mind raced through the if only’s as though he had a chance to change them.
Baekhyun’s sobs and the soft vibrating of his phone in the empty wooden drawer were the only sounds echoing throughout the room.
---------------
Baekhyun only got one text the next morning.
From Chanyeol: “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”
---------------
Chanyeol was met with the sight of a small, black leather book and Jongin’s profile as he looked up from his desk the following Monday. Jongin glanced down to Chanyeol and then back away as he muttered, “It’s a journal.”
Chanyeol sat up straight and quirked an eyebrow at his friend, asking, “And what do you want me to do with it?”
“God, Chanyeol,” Jongin groaned as he dropped the journal on Chanyeol’s desk and replied, “It’d be better if you write in here instead of texting him all the time.”
Chanyeol blinked dumbly in Jongin’s direction. “You think writing to myself-”
“Is better than texting someone who won’t respond.” Jongin sighed before he added under his breath,
“You’re pretty much just writing to yourself already anyways.” Chanyeol pursed his lips and looked away. Jongin frowned and glanced up to Chanyeol. “… How long have you been doing that?”
Chanyeol didn’t look back as he muttered, “About a month after.” Jongin didn’t respond as he looked away.
There was a minute of comfortable silence between the two before Jongin added, “I talked to Kyungsoo about it and we both agreed that this would be the best way for you to stop. Whenever you have the urge to text him, just write in here instead.”
Chanyeol looked up to Jongin. “Do you really think that’s going to work?” Jongin ran a hand through his hair and opened his mouth to respond, but Chanyeol cut him off contemptuously. “Do you think a leather book could replace my best friend?”
“No, a leather book can replace your demented fantasy that your best friend is still alive.”
The two stared at each other before Jongin looked away and muttered, “I’m sorry…” Chanyeol shook his head softly as Jongin stood up and said, “Just write in the book, okay? If anything, maybe it’ll get your mind off him.”
Chanyeol watched wordlessly as Jongin walked away and sat next to Kyungsoo. Chanyeol looked down to the journal and scoffed before opening the cover and flipping to the first blank page. Chanyeol narrowed his eyes at the too-white paper and blank lines before scribbling something down and growling at the pages.
‘This is stupid.’
Chanyeol sighed as he thumbed through the pages and stopped back on the first page, barely noticing a small note on the inside cover.
“We’re with you through it all! Chanyeol, Fighting! ^_^” - Kyungsoo
Chanyeol smiled a little as he stared at Kyungsoo’s neat handwriting and scribbled something else on the first page before he closed the cover of the book as the teacher walked into the classroom and told them to settle down.
‘But maybe I’ll give it a try.’