Naked
Title: Naked
Pairing: Minseok/Luhan
Rating: PG-13
Genre: crack, basically
Length: 5,704
Summary: Everyone’s seen Minseok’s dick except Luhan. This is unacceptable.
A/N: So yeah, not sure exactly what happened here. Bushels of sparkly flowers to anyone who knows what TV show this weird idea came from! This was meant to just be a random drabble but then a weird plot somehow appeared I’m so so sorry. Also, thanks to this for reminding me that Luhan is entirely capable of actually doing something like this.
It all starts when Jongdae stumbles into the kitchen one morning, wailing about how his eyes are burning and he might never be able to see again.
“Did you get shampoo in your eyes again?” Tao asks, eyes wide with concern. “You should really be more careful, I’m pretty sure those chemicals you insist on rubbing all over your hair could do some serious damage.”
“Really, though, Jongdae, when are you going to realize that using anything with sodium lauryl sulfate in it is basically like throwing yourself into a pit full of bleach?” Kris asks, grabbing a piece of pork with his chopsticks and shoving it into Tao’s open mouth.
Jongdae stops yelling and rubbing at his face and eyes both of them with annoyance.
“Okay, obviously I was trying to be dramatic but I forgot that both of you have the sense of humor of a couple of rocks. Or Jessica Jung.”
“It’s okay, Jongdae,” Tao says comfortingly, tracing patterns along Kris’s arm. “At least she didn’t do your…manly parts…any lasting damage, right?”
“Didn’t we agree never to speak of that again?” Jongdae shouts, wincing at the memory. “But that’s not what I’m talking about! This is worse than any of that!”
“Worse than being kicked in the balls because you thought it would be funny to sneak into SNSD’s dressing room and switch their lipstick with candle wax?”
“Never speaking of that again,” Jongdae says loudly over Kris’s annoying voice. “And yes, this was worse! Can we all just stage an intervention and remind Minseok that our bathroom door has a lock and he should use it whenever he takes a shower? And also, who stole all of Kris’s hair products?”
“Wait, what happened to my hair products?” Kris asks in confusion. Jongdae shoots Tao a look and Tao immediately lunges forward, landing in Kris’s lap and staring at him with enormously wide eyes.
“Duizhang…” he says seriously, “they were haunted. They had to be disposed of.”
“Are you kidding me?!” Kris yells, standing up so suddenly Tao falls out of his lap and hits the ground hard, banging his elbow on the edge of the table.
Yixing suddenly enters the room, stares intensely at the scene playing out in front of him, then throws himself down into a chair.
“I have a new idea for a word!” he yells over Tao’s screams of pain, hand raised high in the air in a triumphant gesture. “I call it, ‘frelca.’ It is a selca. But with friends in it.”
“Shut up, Yixing!” Tao yells from under the table. “I am dying here and duizhang doesn’t care!”
“You’re damn right I don’t care,” Kris says, stalking towards Jongdae, who’s still standing awkwardly in the doorway. “How can you people just get rid of some of my most precious possessions? Do you even realize how expensive those were!”
“Sorry?” Jongdae tries, unfazed by Kris’s best death glare. It looks kind of like the sun is shining in his eyes or he’s trying to read e-mail without his fake glasses on.
“Yixing! I need some of whatever you’re on,” Kris groans, sitting back down at the table. “I cannot handle this today.”
“I-what?” Yixing says, turning to look at Jongdae as if he had been the one speaking. “Does no one care about my miraculous word invention?”
“No, no one cares,” Tao says huffily from under the table, yelping when Yixing kicks at him.
“Well, going back to my problems,” Jongdae says. “I may never be able to sleep again. I may have nightmares for the rest of my life-”
“Oh, come on, this can’t be the first time you’ve seen Minseok naked,” Kris snorts and everyone in the room turns to look at him. Even Tao worms his way over to where Kris is sitting so he can look up at him from under the table.
“What?” Kris asks, suddenly self-conscious. “I’m right, aren’t I? It’s not like this is anything new.”
“He’s right,” Tao says thoughtfully, words muffled by the inch of wood separating him from everyone else. “Minseok isn’t exactly all that self-conscious. We change in front of each other all the time. Also, someone should really vacuum under here, I think the dust is making my hair turn white.”
“No, that was the stylists that did that,” Yixing explains helpfully, sticking his head under the table to smile widely at Tao. Tao snorts and buries his face in Kris’s leg.
“Well, apparently I’ve just been out of the loop,” Jongdae sighs, finally abandoning his post at the door to walk over to the cabinet and pull out a mug for coffee. “But what has been seen can never be unseen. I still say we protest this public nudity.”
“What public nudity?” Luhan asks, walking into the room. “Tao, you’re going to get all dirty, why are you on the floor?”
“I am recovering from wounds unfairly inflicted upon me because I threw out duizhang’s haunted shampoo,” Tao says with another loud yelp as Kris kicks him in the side. “Unfortunately, this seems to be a very unsafe place to be. People kick you here.”
“Isn’t it supposed to be bad luck to sit under tables?” Yixing says thoughtfully, ignoring the poisonous glares everyone immediately shoots his way as Tao shrieks, diving under one of the chairs and hauling himself to his feet.
“We were talking about Jongdae’s unfortunate morning greeting,” Kris says, laughing as Tao scrambles around on the counter looking for a salt shaker and, in the process of throwing some salt over his shoulder, ends up getting most of it in Yixing’s hair.
“Otherwise known as Minseok’s dick,” Jongdae sighs, watching Yixing shake his head slowly and then poke interestedly at the small white grains lying on the table in front of him.
“What!” Luhan gasps and Kris and Jongdae give him weird looks. Tao seems to have given up on getting rid of his bad luck and instead is sitting next to Yixing poking at the pile of salt, pushing it into little patterns.
“See what I’m saying?” Jongdae says, turning to Kris and gesturing at the look of shock spreading across Luhan’s face. “This sort of indecency must be stopped! We must protect the sensibilities of our most delicate members! They are like flowers, they won’t bloom if they’re constantly being exposed to indecent amounts of flesh-”
“You can expose me to all the flesh you want, duizhang,” Tao says with a sly smile in Kris’s direction and Yixing giggles. Kris looks murderous.
“I can’t believe this!” Luhan yells, just as Minseok walks into the room, toweling his wet hair.
“Can’t believe what?” he asks. “Did Tao make another inappropriate joke about the size of Kris’s penis? Because I told him not to do that but he seems to keep forgetting how often Kris ends up hurting himself when he’s trying to hurt other people-”
“Take off your pants!” Luhan shouts, whirling around and pointing an accusatory finger in Minseok’s direction.
“What the-what are you even saying?” Minseok asks, beginning to back away, hands clutched tightly in the belt loops of his jeans. “Why would I do that?”
“Because this is not fair!” Luhan says, a distraught look on his face. “How come I’m the only one who hasn’t seen your dick? I thought we were friends!”
“We…are?” Minseok says, still backing away. Tao abandons Yixing to his own devices and slips out of his chair, throwing an arm around Minseok and pulling him back into the kitchen.
“Then how come you’ve let everyone else see you naked and not me?” Luhan insists, giving Minseok a devastated pout.
“I wasn’t aware that friends did that, actually,” Minseok says, struggling to shove Tao off of him as he clings to his side like a limpet. “Tao, what are you even doing? Let go!”
“Nooooooo,” Tao whines, snaking an arm around Minseok’s waist so he can hold on even tighter. “If I let go duizhang will hurt me for throwing out his shampoo. Or Yixing will hurt me for accidentally breaking two of his guitar strings yesterday.”
“What?” Yixing asks, head shooting up. “Why were you even in our room?”
“It was for science!” Tao shrieks as Yixing stands up and stalks towards him angrily. “I was trying to see how far I could stretch them!”
“I am going to kill you now,” Yixing says when he’s standing a meter away from Minseok and his parasite. “Resistance is futile.”
“I’ll climb you like a tree!” Tao yells, detaching himself suddenly from Minseok and throwing himself at Yixing, wrapping his legs around his waist and burying his face in Yixing’s shoulder. Yixing, arms trapped at his sides, begins to wobble very disconcertingly, Tao’s momentum threatening to send them both crashing to the floor.
“Come on, Minseok,” Luhan begs, reaching out and grabbing at the waistband of Minseok’s jeans.
“No! What are you doing?” Minseok yelps, jumping back out of reach. “Why do you even want to see it?”
“What if someday you’re dating someone and they ask me what your junk looks like and I have nothing to say to them? What do you think that would say about our friendship? What if it makes them think you’re not worth their time and they break up with you!”
“That’s not even-”
“What if!” Luhan yells over Yixing’s grunts and Tao’s squeals. “What if someday you get in a horrible accident and they need someone to tell them what it looked like so they can give you a prosthetic? I’d just have to say, ‘Sorry, Doctor, I know it says in your records that I’m Kim Minseok’s best friend but I’ve never seen him naked, so I can’t help you.’ And then boom! You’re left dickless for the rest of your life.”
“That doesn’t even make-”
“Is that what you want?” Luhan asks, moving closer and closer to Minseok, who chooses this moment to turn and make a break for his room, slamming the door just as Luhan throws himself angrily against it.
“Tao, how many times do I have to tell you that you’re not allowed to touch my clothes,” Kris growls, stomping up and grabbing a fistful of Tao’s t-shirt.
“But it looks so good on me, duizhang,” Tao simpers, blinking sweetly in response to Kris’s constipated expression of frustration. “I think you should give it to me.”
“But I-but that-it’s mine,” Kris whines, tugging at the hem of the shirt. But it’s obvious that he’s lost, Tao is already pulling away and skipping over to pour water on Yixing’s head. Startled out of whatever reverie he was in as he sat perfectly still staring at a nearby wall, Yixing falls over backwards and hits his head hard on the practice room floor. Tao’s laughter mixes with Yixing’s groans of pain as Luhan calls Kris over and gets him to lean down so he can pat him condescendingly on the head.
Minseok tries his best to ignore all this as he goes through the same section of the choreography again and again, trying to make sure everything fits perfectly together. But all the noise behind him is distracting-he keeps forgetting what movement comes next, and it doesn’t help that Tao’s started blasting some terrible American rap song that prevents Minseok from keeping rhythm in his head.
“Could you please shut that off?” he shouts finally, turning around is despair. Tao gives him a dark look and hands the phone back to Kris, who shuts off the song before slipping it back in his pocket. It takes about two seconds before Luhan is reaching into that same pocket, snickering at Kris’s dramatic flinch, and dodging backwards out of Kris’s reach, phone in hand.
“Give that back!” Kris gasps, trying to chase after Luhan but impeded by the sudden weight of Tao’s entire body as he wraps his arms around Kris’s neck, hauling himself up onto Kris’s back.
“Yah! Yah!” Tao yells, squeezing hard with his knees around Kris’s waist and Kris chokes angrily as Jongdae sidles up to Luhan, the two of them beginning to scroll through his text messages. Minseok sighs angrily, but finally gives up on practicing. He’ll have to come back later and keep working until everything is perfect. If they won’t let him sing, he’ll show them that he can dance just as well as Jongin or Yixing. He’ll show them.
“Ooh, such nice glamour shots,” Jongdae coos sickeningly, smiling when he sees Kris swaying wildly under Tao’s weight. “I like this shirtless one. Planning on sending that to anyone?”
“Oh, I took that one!” Tao shouts from his spot on Kris’s shoulder. “I think I really captured duizhang’s essence there.”
“I’ll say,” Jongdae says. “Is that look supposed to be sexy or something? It just looks like you’re hungry. And also you’re wearing Tao’s girly sweatpants.”
“What!” Kris yells, and this time the movement does prove too much for him and he topples sideways, Tao shrieking incoherently as they both collide with the ground. Before Tao can recover enough to move, Kris is yanking himself up and stomping over to Jongdae and Luhan, ripping his phone out of their hands.
“See?” Jongdae says helpfully, leaning against Luhan’s shoulder. “They say ‘Versace’ on the butt in flowery gold letters. You can see it reflected in the mirror behind you.”
“I am very hungry right now,” Yixing says from where he’s lying facedown on the floor, slowly sliding his arms and legs back and forth. “Is anyone else hungry?”
“I’m hungry,” Tao says, shoving himself over to where Yixing is lying and pillowing his head on Yixing’s back. “I think duizhang should order us some food. I am in favor of that plan.”
“And I’m in favor of killing you,” Kris says. “But I’m pretty sure it says somewhere in my contract that if I kill you I have to pay back the money you would have made the company. Also, Suho might decapitate me.”
“He actually probably would,” Luhan says seriously, cackling as he steps back suddenly and sends Jongdae toppling to the floor. “Because then we would still be an even number and all our choreography would still work out.”
“And what exactly would you do without your rapper?” Kris asks bitterly, eyes glued to his phone. “Hey! Did you guys send this picture to Amber? Why would you do that?!”
“We wanted her to see what she’s missing out on,” Jongdae laughs from the floor, rubbing his elbows and wincing.
“We have Chanyeol,” Luhan reasons, kicking at Jongdae as he tries to latch onto Luhan’s pant leg and pull him over as well. “And I’m pretty sure Jongin or Sehun could learn to rap fairly well. The fans would love that, the maknae line being EXO’s rappers.”
“I have an idea,” Yixing states. Tao hums and presses his head hard into Yixing’s back, pushing the air out of his lungs and cutting off Yixing’s sentence.
“Less talking, more being a pillow,” Tao mumbles. Yixing wheezes pathetically for a few moments before settling back down, cheek pressed against the cool wooden floor.
“Are we planning on starting practicing again sometime soon?” Minseok asks, grabbing a water bottle and taking a long gulp. “Because I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to have this choreography learned by tonight.”
“Baozi worries too much,” Luhan says, stepping forward and pinching Minseok’s cheeks hard. Minseok jerks away in annoyance, slapping his hands over his face, but Luhan follows him, poking at his unprotected stomach and his downturned mouth.
“Does this mean I can call you baozi?” Tao asks excitedly.
“No.”
“But Luhan ge just did-”
“NO.”
“Minseok should go get us some food, I think,” Jongdae says from where he’s sitting playing on his phone. “I always practice better when I’m not hungry.”
“I second the motion!” Tao shouts, and the sound seems to rouse Yixing from his stupor.
“I fourth it!” he yells.
“No one ever thirded it,” Tao points out helpfully.
“Luhan thought it,” Yixing says, pointing at his head. “I heard him. He also thought that he hoped Sehun might someday work up the courage to fuck him.”
“You’re going to hear my foot connecting with your face in a second if you don’t shut up,” Luhan hisses but Yixing just laughs, the vibrations shaking Tao’s head up and down.
Minseok feels his stomach squirm oddly and turns to Kris for help, but he’s standing in a corner yelling helplessly into his phone about how it wasn’t him who sent the picture and he can explain and he knows it’s not a funny joke and no, those aren’t girl’s sweatpants.
“This might be a good time to work in that you’re gay,” Luhan yells at his back. “I’ve found that usually helps clear up the intention behind half-nude photos sent to members of the opposite sex.”
“No, no, that was just Luhan being ridiculous, I’m definitely not gay,” Kris laughs boisterously, but he turns and points directly at Luhan, mouthing the words, Just you wait.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m so scared,” Luhan laughs, leaning back against the practice room wall.
“You looked pretty scared this morning when Sehun passed you in the hall and didn’t even say hello,” Tao says sweetly.
“I’m going to help Kris kill you,” Luhan says through gritted teeth, but Tao just smiles. “I’m serious, I will aid and abet your murder in every way I know how.”
“It’s not Tao’s fault you’re as obvious as a piranha in a fish tank,” Yixing says. Everyone looks at him strangely, even Kris who’s ostensibly still on the phone.
“Since when is everyone gay?” Jongdae moans, slumping dramatically over onto the floor. “I feel like I’m the only one seriously invested in the quest to steal some of SNSD’s underwear.”
“That could also plausibly be because the rest of us are invested in having functioning hardware for the rest of our lives,” Luhan says reasonably. “And we don’t particularly want Taeyeon or Jessica kicking them clean off our bodies.”
“It didn’t hurt that much,” Jongdae mutters, but sighs when Luhan gives him a look.
“You couldn’t do any pelvic thrusts for like a month,” Luhan scoffs.
“And a sad month that was indeed!” Jongdae yells mournfully. “The entire world deprived of Kim Jongdae’s fantastic hip movement. How they must have suffered.”
“Not as much as they’re going to suffer if Suho ever figures out that Sehun and I have been writing fake accounts of his sexual kinks and posting them on Naver,” Luhan laughs. “Because then I’m pretty sure he’d go nuts and end up killing half of EXO.”
“I don’t think they’d let him do that,” Kris says, shoving his phone back into his pocket and rejoining the group. “Just imagine the terrible press. Insane Idol Goes On Rampage, Ridiculously Handsome Replacement Called In To Save The Day.”
“I like how you just assume you wouldn’t be one of the first people to go,” Jongdae scoffs. “I pegged Junmyeon as the jealous type right from the beginning. Ever since M and K started promoting together I bet he’s just been waiting for a chance to knock you off and go back to being the only leader.”
“Maybe he’d be able to work it into our concept somehow,” Tao frowns thoughtfully, and Yixing nods along to his voice. “Like, if we all died dramatic simultaneous deaths or something. It’d get us a lot of publicity, especially if we did it in-sync during a concert or something.”
“Yeah, but then what would happen?” Kris asks sarcastically. “We can’t exactly plan a comeback after that.”
“Well, it’d be like the same amount of love but less people to have to share it,” Tao says happily. “Maybe if you survived you’d finally stop getting made fun of so much.”
“Who makes fun of me?” Kris demands, eyes burning holes in Tao’s forehead. Tao just shrugs, turning to stare at the ceiling. Yixing snickers.
Leaving Jongdae to stop Kris from lunging at Yixing and Tao and smothering them both, Minseok slips out of the room and pads down the hallway to the bathroom.
Sighing, he opens the door and unbuttons his pants. He’s dead tired after practicing for so many hours, and all he wants is to go back to the dorm and sleep. He’s just pulling down his zipper when a slight movement in the corner of his eye startles him. Twisting around, he sees Luhan pressed into the corner opposite the toilet, at just the right angle that the open door would hide him from sight.
“Hey, buddy,” Luhan says with a small wave.
“AHH!” Minseok screams, backing up so fast he bangs his hip on the sink. “What are you doing here?”
“Come on, just show me a little bit,” Luhan pleads, eyes wide. “Just the tip.”
“NO!”
“Just the base, where it connects. Just the side view, like those pictures of cars in magazines?”
“GET OUT!”
“I still think it’s unfair that I’m the only one who hasn’t seen it!” Luhan shouts as Minseok slams the door in his face. Sliding down to sit on the closed toilet lid, Minseok buries his head in his hands. What’s unfair is that he has to deal with this today at all. His hip is throbbing and it’ll probably make practice tomorrow ridiculously painful.
He can’t stop himself from shooting suspicious glances all around the room as he goes to the bathroom, almost expecting Luhan to have planted a camera or something somewhere. He doesn’t see anything, but for some reason that’s not as reassuring as it should be.
“So, which one of you was supposed to remind the stylist that they’re allowed to do ridiculous things to Sehun’s hair, but not mine,” Luhan groans, pulling at his pale pink locks as they walk through the door of their dorm.
“I think you look great!” Tao says, squinting in Luhan’s direction as he collapses onto the sofa. “Like a stuffed animal or something.”
“Perfect,” Luhan groans. “Now, not only have I still not seen Minseok’s dick, but I am destined to forever be EXO’s cute stuffed animal. I swear, I am manly!”
“Riiiiiight,” Tao drawls, reaching over to tug at one of Luhan’s bracelets. “Because manly men definitely act like you do.”
“I am the most manly of all of us!” Luhan shouts indignantly. “I am so manly I would…eat a whale! After killing it! I would go out on a boat and then hunt a whale and then I would eat it. Raw. Like a shark!”
“Sharks have terrible teeth,” Tao says with a shiver and Luhan gives him a withering look.
“I’m pretty sure that would make you very unpopular with fans,” Kris says thoughtfully as he sinks into a nearby chair. “The only sea animals cuter than you or Tao are whales and dolphins. Oh, and sea otters and furry things like that.”
“Like platypii,” Yixing offers, and everyone ignores him. Well, that’s entirely true. Jongdae shoots him a look and reminds him that no one is ever going to take him seriously if he can’t even get his eyes all the way open. Then everyone ignores him.
“Also, whales are really fat,” Tao says with another shiver. “You would get really fat if you ate a whale.”
“You would probably also die,” Jongdae smirks. “And then I would be able to take over all your lines. Or maybe they’d start letting Minseok sing more.”
“Luhan, do you want me to find out how you can rent a boat?” Minseok immediately asks, and he grins when Luhan shoots him a venomous look.
“I am feeling very abused at the moment,” Luhan declares.
“I support Luhan and feel that, since he has had a very trying day and now looks like his head was dipped in a vat of watered-down cranberry juice, Minseok should show Luhan his dick,” Kris says seriously.
“I feel that too,” Jongdae speaks up from his spot next to Tao on the couch.
“I feel very loved and supported,” Luhan says, not once cracking a smile as he stares right into Minseok’s eyes.
“What is wrong with you people?” Minseok shouts, leaping to his feet and gazing distrustfully from face to face. “What are you even saying? Why are you supporting this!”
“Luhan has had a very trying day,” Yixing echoes from his spot at Tao’s feet. Tao reaches down and tugs at his hair fondly.
“I’ve had a trying day too!” Minseok yells as he storms out of the room. “And it is getting more trying with every passing minute!”
Once he’s in his room he throws himself down onto his bed, trying to will himself to sleep, but the caked-on makeup and hairspray from their photoshoot earlier is too uncomfortable. Groaning, Minseok heaves himself up and pulls off his shirt, pants, and underwear, wrapping a towel securely around his waist.
When he’s standing outside the door to the bathroom, he stops.
“Get out, Luhan!” he yells through the door. A few seconds pass, but then an annoyed-looking Luhan throws open the door and storms past him down the hallway.
“I’m still the only one who hasn’t seen it!” he shouts, shaking his fist in Minseok’s direction as he heads towards the living room, from which groans and squeals are currently issuing. Either Tao and Kris are finally hooking up, Minseok thinks, or Jongdae’s stolen Tao’s phone again and is trying to figure out his password by guessing very embarrassing words. Minseok sincerely hopes it’s the latter.
He leans against the cool tile of the bathroom wall, trying to ignore the way his bones feel like jelly and the way his head is pounding. He tries to forget the way his heart had jumped alarmingly in his chest when Luhan had brushed past him on his way out of the bathroom, bare arm sending a zing of electricity across Minseok’s bare chest.
“Minseok? Minseok are you almost done?” he can hear Kris yelling as he pounds on the door. “Can you check something for me? Tao insists that his moisturizer has aloe vera in it and that’s why his skin has been looking so smooth lately but I think the bottle actually says algae extract on it. This is important! I need to know if I can, in good faith, make fun of him for smearing aquarium scum all over his pretty face. Minseok? You there?”
“Aww, you think I have a pretty face?” Tao laughs from somewhere further down the hall and Minseok hears a squeal and bang as something hits the wall. Probably one of Kris’s shoes. Typical.
“Don’t put holes in the wall!” Minseok yells before turning on the water. It does little to drown out of the sound of Kris getting kicked in the stomach. Minseok honestly doesn’t get why he still tries to beat up Tao. Some people never learn.
“Minseok?” Luhan asks sweetly, wandering into the kitchen and leaning on the counter next to where Minseok is making himself a cup of coffee. He’s smiling in a deviously kind manner and Minseok immediately moves a hand to the waistband of his sweatpants, preparing for the worst.
“If this is about my dick again, I don’t want to hear it,” he grumbles, eyeing Luhan suspiciously.
“Oh, don’t let’s be silly,” Luhan scoffs, waving a hand vaguely. “This is about something else. Though admittedly a bit related.”
“What?” Minseok asks distrustfully, not taking his hand away from his pants.
“I was wondering if you think Sehun is into boys,” Luhan says quickly, and Minseok chokes on his coffee, slamming the mug down onto the counter as he pounds his chest.
“Wh-what did you just say?” Minseok wheezes when he’s finally finished hacking up half a lung. “And thanks for all the support, by the way. I could have just died.”
“I don’t know the Heimlich,” Luhan shrugs unconcernedly. “And besides, this is more important than your potential death via coffee inhalation! This is an Important Question.”
“Oh, is it Important Question day?” Jongdae asks with interest as he enters the kitchen. “I love that day! Here, I’ll add one. What are the chances of Suho letting me talk a lot during interviews and not asking the managers later to cut out all of my best lines? Because Baekhyun says just as many stupid things as I do but when he says it it’s suddenly comedy or something-”
“Are you seriously complaining about Baekhyun again?” Kris asks as he enters the kitchen. “Why don’t you just ask him to teach you his ways or something. I bet he’d do it if you made out with him.”
“But I’m not gay,” Jongdae whines pitifully, slumping against the counter. “And if I did that I’m pretty Chanyeol would punch me in the face and break my beautiful cheekbones.”
“Why would Chanyeol punch you?” Tao asks, sliding over to Kris and plopping down into his lap. Kris groans in annoyance but no one misses the way his arms immediately wrap around Tao’s waist, holding him in place. “Not that I’m complaining, I’d love to see Chanyeol punch you. Actually, I’d love to see Chanyeol punch anyone. Does anyone who doesn’t care too much about their face want to make out with Baekhyun?”
“We’re idols, of course we all care about our faces,” Jongdae sighs, running his fingers along the bridge of his nose.
“Okay, this is not how I wanted this to go,” Luhan mutters before his face brightens. Grabbing Minseok’s arm, he starts dragging him towards the door.
“What are you doing?” Minseok asks, half-heartedly trying to pull his arm out of Luhan’s hands. Luhan’s warm, pretty hands.
“We’re going somewhere we can talk more privately,” Luhan says, shoving Minseok into his room. Yixing is still lying in his bed, and Luhan sighs as he walks quickly over to him.
“FISH!” he yells right in Yixing’s ear and Yixing starts so hard he falls out of his bed, trapped in a cocoon of sheets as he writhes and struggles. Luhan eventually takes pity on him and lends him a hand, peeling away layers of fabric until Yixing’s mostly untangled, enough for him to make a break for the door, throwing it open and tearing down the hallway towards the bathroom.
“Apparently hearing any word related to water while he’s asleep makes him really have to pee,” Luhan shrugs as he shuts the door again, and Minseok laughs. But suddenly Luhan is moving closer to him, backing Minseok up against the wall, and Minseok abruptly stops laughing.
“Okay, so I was serious about what I asked back there,” Luhan says earnestly, eyes bright and warm as they gaze into Minseok’s. “Do you think Sehun is into boys?”
“I…don’t know?” Minseok says, ignoring the way his heart seems to be taking an unexpected trip down to visit his toes. “But if you like him, I think you should just ask him. I mean, you guys spend enough time together, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind-”
“Minseok,” Luhan says, narrowing his eyes a bit as he stares hard at him. Minseok suddenly feels like he’s missing an important point of this conversation, but he can’t for the life of him figure out what it might be. “Are you even listening to my questions?”
“Uh…yes?” he says in confusion, and Luhan’s extreme proximity is making it very difficult for Minseok to concentrate. He can smell Luhan, for heaven’s sake, a strangely soothing mixture of cotton and shampoo and mint toothpaste and sugar, probably from the ridiculous amounts Luhan insists on pouring into his coffee.
“And you think if I like someone I should just tell him how I feel?”
“Yeah,” Minseok says, dropping his gaze to his feet. “I think if you like someone, it’s always better to tell them how you feel rather than keeping it all bottled up inside of you. I read somewhere that keeping all your feelings inside instead of talking about them can give you heart attacks, actually, so-”
But he doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Luhan is leaning forward and kissing him, and suddenly Minseok’s world is very warm and wet.
“You’re so stupid,” Luhan says, pulling back and smiling at the slightly dazed look on Minseok’s face.
“Your face is stupid,” Minseok says, voice a bit too high-pitched. Luhan just rolls his eyes.
“Come on, are you going to kiss me again? I’m told I’m an excellent kisser.”
“And who has ever told you that?” Minseok asks, trying his hardest to keep a stupidly wide grin off his face.
“Tao,” Luhan says matter-of-factly, and Minseok tries to jump backwards but there’s a wall there so instead he just hits his head really hard.
“What the-Luhan, when were you even kissing Tao?” Minseok gasps, rubbing the back of his head angrily.
“Well, I had to practice, didn’t I?” Luhan asks, and then goes about swallowing the rest of Minseok’s protests. Minseok can’t say he really minds, especially as he twines his fingers into Luhan’s golden hair and reminds himself again and again that this isn’t a particularly good dream.
“I am going to kill Tao now,” Minseok says loudly as he walks out of Luhan’s room.
“Oh, finally!” Kris yells from the living room. “Quick, Minnie! I’m holding him down, all you need to do is get in here and punch his stupid adorable face!”
Minseok ignores the squeals of pain and shouts of “Duizhang how could you betray me like this!” coupled with cackles of laughter from Jongdae, and turns to look at Luhan leaning against the doorway behind him.
“I’m sure Kris wouldn’t mind holding down Tao for a little bit longer,” Luhan says with a sly smile.
And as Luhan closes the distance between their faces again, Minseok thinks he has the rest of his life to kill Tao. And maybe if he just kisses Luhan enough, he’ll forget that Tao even exists. It’s worth a try.
“So, now can I see your dick?”
“NO!”
“How about if I keep doing this in every dark corner of every bathroom or changing room or bedroom forever?”
“Then maybe.”
Pairing: Minseok/Luhan
Rating: PG-13
Genre: crack, basically
Length: 5,704
Summary: Everyone’s seen Minseok’s dick except Luhan. This is unacceptable.
A/N: So yeah, not sure exactly what happened here. Bushels of sparkly flowers to anyone who knows what TV show this weird idea came from! This was meant to just be a random drabble but then a weird plot somehow appeared I’m so so sorry. Also, thanks to this for reminding me that Luhan is entirely capable of actually doing something like this.
It all starts when Jongdae stumbles into the kitchen one morning, wailing about how his eyes are burning and he might never be able to see again.
“Did you get shampoo in your eyes again?” Tao asks, eyes wide with concern. “You should really be more careful, I’m pretty sure those chemicals you insist on rubbing all over your hair could do some serious damage.”
“Really, though, Jongdae, when are you going to realize that using anything with sodium lauryl sulfate in it is basically like throwing yourself into a pit full of bleach?” Kris asks, grabbing a piece of pork with his chopsticks and shoving it into Tao’s open mouth.
Jongdae stops yelling and rubbing at his face and eyes both of them with annoyance.
“Okay, obviously I was trying to be dramatic but I forgot that both of you have the sense of humor of a couple of rocks. Or Jessica Jung.”
“It’s okay, Jongdae,” Tao says comfortingly, tracing patterns along Kris’s arm. “At least she didn’t do your…manly parts…any lasting damage, right?”
“Didn’t we agree never to speak of that again?” Jongdae shouts, wincing at the memory. “But that’s not what I’m talking about! This is worse than any of that!”
“Worse than being kicked in the balls because you thought it would be funny to sneak into SNSD’s dressing room and switch their lipstick with candle wax?”
“Never speaking of that again,” Jongdae says loudly over Kris’s annoying voice. “And yes, this was worse! Can we all just stage an intervention and remind Minseok that our bathroom door has a lock and he should use it whenever he takes a shower? And also, who stole all of Kris’s hair products?”
“Wait, what happened to my hair products?” Kris asks in confusion. Jongdae shoots Tao a look and Tao immediately lunges forward, landing in Kris’s lap and staring at him with enormously wide eyes.
“Duizhang…” he says seriously, “they were haunted. They had to be disposed of.”
“Are you kidding me?!” Kris yells, standing up so suddenly Tao falls out of his lap and hits the ground hard, banging his elbow on the edge of the table.
Yixing suddenly enters the room, stares intensely at the scene playing out in front of him, then throws himself down into a chair.
“I have a new idea for a word!” he yells over Tao’s screams of pain, hand raised high in the air in a triumphant gesture. “I call it, ‘frelca.’ It is a selca. But with friends in it.”
“Shut up, Yixing!” Tao yells from under the table. “I am dying here and duizhang doesn’t care!”
“You’re damn right I don’t care,” Kris says, stalking towards Jongdae, who’s still standing awkwardly in the doorway. “How can you people just get rid of some of my most precious possessions? Do you even realize how expensive those were!”
“Sorry?” Jongdae tries, unfazed by Kris’s best death glare. It looks kind of like the sun is shining in his eyes or he’s trying to read e-mail without his fake glasses on.
“Yixing! I need some of whatever you’re on,” Kris groans, sitting back down at the table. “I cannot handle this today.”
“I-what?” Yixing says, turning to look at Jongdae as if he had been the one speaking. “Does no one care about my miraculous word invention?”
“No, no one cares,” Tao says huffily from under the table, yelping when Yixing kicks at him.
“Well, going back to my problems,” Jongdae says. “I may never be able to sleep again. I may have nightmares for the rest of my life-”
“Oh, come on, this can’t be the first time you’ve seen Minseok naked,” Kris snorts and everyone in the room turns to look at him. Even Tao worms his way over to where Kris is sitting so he can look up at him from under the table.
“What?” Kris asks, suddenly self-conscious. “I’m right, aren’t I? It’s not like this is anything new.”
“He’s right,” Tao says thoughtfully, words muffled by the inch of wood separating him from everyone else. “Minseok isn’t exactly all that self-conscious. We change in front of each other all the time. Also, someone should really vacuum under here, I think the dust is making my hair turn white.”
“No, that was the stylists that did that,” Yixing explains helpfully, sticking his head under the table to smile widely at Tao. Tao snorts and buries his face in Kris’s leg.
“Well, apparently I’ve just been out of the loop,” Jongdae sighs, finally abandoning his post at the door to walk over to the cabinet and pull out a mug for coffee. “But what has been seen can never be unseen. I still say we protest this public nudity.”
“What public nudity?” Luhan asks, walking into the room. “Tao, you’re going to get all dirty, why are you on the floor?”
“I am recovering from wounds unfairly inflicted upon me because I threw out duizhang’s haunted shampoo,” Tao says with another loud yelp as Kris kicks him in the side. “Unfortunately, this seems to be a very unsafe place to be. People kick you here.”
“Isn’t it supposed to be bad luck to sit under tables?” Yixing says thoughtfully, ignoring the poisonous glares everyone immediately shoots his way as Tao shrieks, diving under one of the chairs and hauling himself to his feet.
“We were talking about Jongdae’s unfortunate morning greeting,” Kris says, laughing as Tao scrambles around on the counter looking for a salt shaker and, in the process of throwing some salt over his shoulder, ends up getting most of it in Yixing’s hair.
“Otherwise known as Minseok’s dick,” Jongdae sighs, watching Yixing shake his head slowly and then poke interestedly at the small white grains lying on the table in front of him.
“What!” Luhan gasps and Kris and Jongdae give him weird looks. Tao seems to have given up on getting rid of his bad luck and instead is sitting next to Yixing poking at the pile of salt, pushing it into little patterns.
“See what I’m saying?” Jongdae says, turning to Kris and gesturing at the look of shock spreading across Luhan’s face. “This sort of indecency must be stopped! We must protect the sensibilities of our most delicate members! They are like flowers, they won’t bloom if they’re constantly being exposed to indecent amounts of flesh-”
“You can expose me to all the flesh you want, duizhang,” Tao says with a sly smile in Kris’s direction and Yixing giggles. Kris looks murderous.
“I can’t believe this!” Luhan yells, just as Minseok walks into the room, toweling his wet hair.
“Can’t believe what?” he asks. “Did Tao make another inappropriate joke about the size of Kris’s penis? Because I told him not to do that but he seems to keep forgetting how often Kris ends up hurting himself when he’s trying to hurt other people-”
“Take off your pants!” Luhan shouts, whirling around and pointing an accusatory finger in Minseok’s direction.
“What the-what are you even saying?” Minseok asks, beginning to back away, hands clutched tightly in the belt loops of his jeans. “Why would I do that?”
“Because this is not fair!” Luhan says, a distraught look on his face. “How come I’m the only one who hasn’t seen your dick? I thought we were friends!”
“We…are?” Minseok says, still backing away. Tao abandons Yixing to his own devices and slips out of his chair, throwing an arm around Minseok and pulling him back into the kitchen.
“Then how come you’ve let everyone else see you naked and not me?” Luhan insists, giving Minseok a devastated pout.
“I wasn’t aware that friends did that, actually,” Minseok says, struggling to shove Tao off of him as he clings to his side like a limpet. “Tao, what are you even doing? Let go!”
“Nooooooo,” Tao whines, snaking an arm around Minseok’s waist so he can hold on even tighter. “If I let go duizhang will hurt me for throwing out his shampoo. Or Yixing will hurt me for accidentally breaking two of his guitar strings yesterday.”
“What?” Yixing asks, head shooting up. “Why were you even in our room?”
“It was for science!” Tao shrieks as Yixing stands up and stalks towards him angrily. “I was trying to see how far I could stretch them!”
“I am going to kill you now,” Yixing says when he’s standing a meter away from Minseok and his parasite. “Resistance is futile.”
“I’ll climb you like a tree!” Tao yells, detaching himself suddenly from Minseok and throwing himself at Yixing, wrapping his legs around his waist and burying his face in Yixing’s shoulder. Yixing, arms trapped at his sides, begins to wobble very disconcertingly, Tao’s momentum threatening to send them both crashing to the floor.
“Come on, Minseok,” Luhan begs, reaching out and grabbing at the waistband of Minseok’s jeans.
“No! What are you doing?” Minseok yelps, jumping back out of reach. “Why do you even want to see it?”
“What if someday you’re dating someone and they ask me what your junk looks like and I have nothing to say to them? What do you think that would say about our friendship? What if it makes them think you’re not worth their time and they break up with you!”
“That’s not even-”
“What if!” Luhan yells over Yixing’s grunts and Tao’s squeals. “What if someday you get in a horrible accident and they need someone to tell them what it looked like so they can give you a prosthetic? I’d just have to say, ‘Sorry, Doctor, I know it says in your records that I’m Kim Minseok’s best friend but I’ve never seen him naked, so I can’t help you.’ And then boom! You’re left dickless for the rest of your life.”
“That doesn’t even make-”
“Is that what you want?” Luhan asks, moving closer and closer to Minseok, who chooses this moment to turn and make a break for his room, slamming the door just as Luhan throws himself angrily against it.
“Tao, how many times do I have to tell you that you’re not allowed to touch my clothes,” Kris growls, stomping up and grabbing a fistful of Tao’s t-shirt.
“But it looks so good on me, duizhang,” Tao simpers, blinking sweetly in response to Kris’s constipated expression of frustration. “I think you should give it to me.”
“But I-but that-it’s mine,” Kris whines, tugging at the hem of the shirt. But it’s obvious that he’s lost, Tao is already pulling away and skipping over to pour water on Yixing’s head. Startled out of whatever reverie he was in as he sat perfectly still staring at a nearby wall, Yixing falls over backwards and hits his head hard on the practice room floor. Tao’s laughter mixes with Yixing’s groans of pain as Luhan calls Kris over and gets him to lean down so he can pat him condescendingly on the head.
Minseok tries his best to ignore all this as he goes through the same section of the choreography again and again, trying to make sure everything fits perfectly together. But all the noise behind him is distracting-he keeps forgetting what movement comes next, and it doesn’t help that Tao’s started blasting some terrible American rap song that prevents Minseok from keeping rhythm in his head.
“Could you please shut that off?” he shouts finally, turning around is despair. Tao gives him a dark look and hands the phone back to Kris, who shuts off the song before slipping it back in his pocket. It takes about two seconds before Luhan is reaching into that same pocket, snickering at Kris’s dramatic flinch, and dodging backwards out of Kris’s reach, phone in hand.
“Give that back!” Kris gasps, trying to chase after Luhan but impeded by the sudden weight of Tao’s entire body as he wraps his arms around Kris’s neck, hauling himself up onto Kris’s back.
“Yah! Yah!” Tao yells, squeezing hard with his knees around Kris’s waist and Kris chokes angrily as Jongdae sidles up to Luhan, the two of them beginning to scroll through his text messages. Minseok sighs angrily, but finally gives up on practicing. He’ll have to come back later and keep working until everything is perfect. If they won’t let him sing, he’ll show them that he can dance just as well as Jongin or Yixing. He’ll show them.
“Ooh, such nice glamour shots,” Jongdae coos sickeningly, smiling when he sees Kris swaying wildly under Tao’s weight. “I like this shirtless one. Planning on sending that to anyone?”
“Oh, I took that one!” Tao shouts from his spot on Kris’s shoulder. “I think I really captured duizhang’s essence there.”
“I’ll say,” Jongdae says. “Is that look supposed to be sexy or something? It just looks like you’re hungry. And also you’re wearing Tao’s girly sweatpants.”
“What!” Kris yells, and this time the movement does prove too much for him and he topples sideways, Tao shrieking incoherently as they both collide with the ground. Before Tao can recover enough to move, Kris is yanking himself up and stomping over to Jongdae and Luhan, ripping his phone out of their hands.
“See?” Jongdae says helpfully, leaning against Luhan’s shoulder. “They say ‘Versace’ on the butt in flowery gold letters. You can see it reflected in the mirror behind you.”
“I am very hungry right now,” Yixing says from where he’s lying facedown on the floor, slowly sliding his arms and legs back and forth. “Is anyone else hungry?”
“I’m hungry,” Tao says, shoving himself over to where Yixing is lying and pillowing his head on Yixing’s back. “I think duizhang should order us some food. I am in favor of that plan.”
“And I’m in favor of killing you,” Kris says. “But I’m pretty sure it says somewhere in my contract that if I kill you I have to pay back the money you would have made the company. Also, Suho might decapitate me.”
“He actually probably would,” Luhan says seriously, cackling as he steps back suddenly and sends Jongdae toppling to the floor. “Because then we would still be an even number and all our choreography would still work out.”
“And what exactly would you do without your rapper?” Kris asks bitterly, eyes glued to his phone. “Hey! Did you guys send this picture to Amber? Why would you do that?!”
“We wanted her to see what she’s missing out on,” Jongdae laughs from the floor, rubbing his elbows and wincing.
“We have Chanyeol,” Luhan reasons, kicking at Jongdae as he tries to latch onto Luhan’s pant leg and pull him over as well. “And I’m pretty sure Jongin or Sehun could learn to rap fairly well. The fans would love that, the maknae line being EXO’s rappers.”
“I have an idea,” Yixing states. Tao hums and presses his head hard into Yixing’s back, pushing the air out of his lungs and cutting off Yixing’s sentence.
“Less talking, more being a pillow,” Tao mumbles. Yixing wheezes pathetically for a few moments before settling back down, cheek pressed against the cool wooden floor.
“Are we planning on starting practicing again sometime soon?” Minseok asks, grabbing a water bottle and taking a long gulp. “Because I’m pretty sure we’re supposed to have this choreography learned by tonight.”
“Baozi worries too much,” Luhan says, stepping forward and pinching Minseok’s cheeks hard. Minseok jerks away in annoyance, slapping his hands over his face, but Luhan follows him, poking at his unprotected stomach and his downturned mouth.
“Does this mean I can call you baozi?” Tao asks excitedly.
“No.”
“But Luhan ge just did-”
“NO.”
“Minseok should go get us some food, I think,” Jongdae says from where he’s sitting playing on his phone. “I always practice better when I’m not hungry.”
“I second the motion!” Tao shouts, and the sound seems to rouse Yixing from his stupor.
“I fourth it!” he yells.
“No one ever thirded it,” Tao points out helpfully.
“Luhan thought it,” Yixing says, pointing at his head. “I heard him. He also thought that he hoped Sehun might someday work up the courage to fuck him.”
“You’re going to hear my foot connecting with your face in a second if you don’t shut up,” Luhan hisses but Yixing just laughs, the vibrations shaking Tao’s head up and down.
Minseok feels his stomach squirm oddly and turns to Kris for help, but he’s standing in a corner yelling helplessly into his phone about how it wasn’t him who sent the picture and he can explain and he knows it’s not a funny joke and no, those aren’t girl’s sweatpants.
“This might be a good time to work in that you’re gay,” Luhan yells at his back. “I’ve found that usually helps clear up the intention behind half-nude photos sent to members of the opposite sex.”
“No, no, that was just Luhan being ridiculous, I’m definitely not gay,” Kris laughs boisterously, but he turns and points directly at Luhan, mouthing the words, Just you wait.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m so scared,” Luhan laughs, leaning back against the practice room wall.
“You looked pretty scared this morning when Sehun passed you in the hall and didn’t even say hello,” Tao says sweetly.
“I’m going to help Kris kill you,” Luhan says through gritted teeth, but Tao just smiles. “I’m serious, I will aid and abet your murder in every way I know how.”
“It’s not Tao’s fault you’re as obvious as a piranha in a fish tank,” Yixing says. Everyone looks at him strangely, even Kris who’s ostensibly still on the phone.
“Since when is everyone gay?” Jongdae moans, slumping dramatically over onto the floor. “I feel like I’m the only one seriously invested in the quest to steal some of SNSD’s underwear.”
“That could also plausibly be because the rest of us are invested in having functioning hardware for the rest of our lives,” Luhan says reasonably. “And we don’t particularly want Taeyeon or Jessica kicking them clean off our bodies.”
“It didn’t hurt that much,” Jongdae mutters, but sighs when Luhan gives him a look.
“You couldn’t do any pelvic thrusts for like a month,” Luhan scoffs.
“And a sad month that was indeed!” Jongdae yells mournfully. “The entire world deprived of Kim Jongdae’s fantastic hip movement. How they must have suffered.”
“Not as much as they’re going to suffer if Suho ever figures out that Sehun and I have been writing fake accounts of his sexual kinks and posting them on Naver,” Luhan laughs. “Because then I’m pretty sure he’d go nuts and end up killing half of EXO.”
“I don’t think they’d let him do that,” Kris says, shoving his phone back into his pocket and rejoining the group. “Just imagine the terrible press. Insane Idol Goes On Rampage, Ridiculously Handsome Replacement Called In To Save The Day.”
“I like how you just assume you wouldn’t be one of the first people to go,” Jongdae scoffs. “I pegged Junmyeon as the jealous type right from the beginning. Ever since M and K started promoting together I bet he’s just been waiting for a chance to knock you off and go back to being the only leader.”
“Maybe he’d be able to work it into our concept somehow,” Tao frowns thoughtfully, and Yixing nods along to his voice. “Like, if we all died dramatic simultaneous deaths or something. It’d get us a lot of publicity, especially if we did it in-sync during a concert or something.”
“Yeah, but then what would happen?” Kris asks sarcastically. “We can’t exactly plan a comeback after that.”
“Well, it’d be like the same amount of love but less people to have to share it,” Tao says happily. “Maybe if you survived you’d finally stop getting made fun of so much.”
“Who makes fun of me?” Kris demands, eyes burning holes in Tao’s forehead. Tao just shrugs, turning to stare at the ceiling. Yixing snickers.
Leaving Jongdae to stop Kris from lunging at Yixing and Tao and smothering them both, Minseok slips out of the room and pads down the hallway to the bathroom.
Sighing, he opens the door and unbuttons his pants. He’s dead tired after practicing for so many hours, and all he wants is to go back to the dorm and sleep. He’s just pulling down his zipper when a slight movement in the corner of his eye startles him. Twisting around, he sees Luhan pressed into the corner opposite the toilet, at just the right angle that the open door would hide him from sight.
“Hey, buddy,” Luhan says with a small wave.
“AHH!” Minseok screams, backing up so fast he bangs his hip on the sink. “What are you doing here?”
“Come on, just show me a little bit,” Luhan pleads, eyes wide. “Just the tip.”
“NO!”
“Just the base, where it connects. Just the side view, like those pictures of cars in magazines?”
“GET OUT!”
“I still think it’s unfair that I’m the only one who hasn’t seen it!” Luhan shouts as Minseok slams the door in his face. Sliding down to sit on the closed toilet lid, Minseok buries his head in his hands. What’s unfair is that he has to deal with this today at all. His hip is throbbing and it’ll probably make practice tomorrow ridiculously painful.
He can’t stop himself from shooting suspicious glances all around the room as he goes to the bathroom, almost expecting Luhan to have planted a camera or something somewhere. He doesn’t see anything, but for some reason that’s not as reassuring as it should be.
“So, which one of you was supposed to remind the stylist that they’re allowed to do ridiculous things to Sehun’s hair, but not mine,” Luhan groans, pulling at his pale pink locks as they walk through the door of their dorm.
“I think you look great!” Tao says, squinting in Luhan’s direction as he collapses onto the sofa. “Like a stuffed animal or something.”
“Perfect,” Luhan groans. “Now, not only have I still not seen Minseok’s dick, but I am destined to forever be EXO’s cute stuffed animal. I swear, I am manly!”
“Riiiiiight,” Tao drawls, reaching over to tug at one of Luhan’s bracelets. “Because manly men definitely act like you do.”
“I am the most manly of all of us!” Luhan shouts indignantly. “I am so manly I would…eat a whale! After killing it! I would go out on a boat and then hunt a whale and then I would eat it. Raw. Like a shark!”
“Sharks have terrible teeth,” Tao says with a shiver and Luhan gives him a withering look.
“I’m pretty sure that would make you very unpopular with fans,” Kris says thoughtfully as he sinks into a nearby chair. “The only sea animals cuter than you or Tao are whales and dolphins. Oh, and sea otters and furry things like that.”
“Like platypii,” Yixing offers, and everyone ignores him. Well, that’s entirely true. Jongdae shoots him a look and reminds him that no one is ever going to take him seriously if he can’t even get his eyes all the way open. Then everyone ignores him.
“Also, whales are really fat,” Tao says with another shiver. “You would get really fat if you ate a whale.”
“You would probably also die,” Jongdae smirks. “And then I would be able to take over all your lines. Or maybe they’d start letting Minseok sing more.”
“Luhan, do you want me to find out how you can rent a boat?” Minseok immediately asks, and he grins when Luhan shoots him a venomous look.
“I am feeling very abused at the moment,” Luhan declares.
“I support Luhan and feel that, since he has had a very trying day and now looks like his head was dipped in a vat of watered-down cranberry juice, Minseok should show Luhan his dick,” Kris says seriously.
“I feel that too,” Jongdae speaks up from his spot next to Tao on the couch.
“I feel very loved and supported,” Luhan says, not once cracking a smile as he stares right into Minseok’s eyes.
“What is wrong with you people?” Minseok shouts, leaping to his feet and gazing distrustfully from face to face. “What are you even saying? Why are you supporting this!”
“Luhan has had a very trying day,” Yixing echoes from his spot at Tao’s feet. Tao reaches down and tugs at his hair fondly.
“I’ve had a trying day too!” Minseok yells as he storms out of the room. “And it is getting more trying with every passing minute!”
Once he’s in his room he throws himself down onto his bed, trying to will himself to sleep, but the caked-on makeup and hairspray from their photoshoot earlier is too uncomfortable. Groaning, Minseok heaves himself up and pulls off his shirt, pants, and underwear, wrapping a towel securely around his waist.
When he’s standing outside the door to the bathroom, he stops.
“Get out, Luhan!” he yells through the door. A few seconds pass, but then an annoyed-looking Luhan throws open the door and storms past him down the hallway.
“I’m still the only one who hasn’t seen it!” he shouts, shaking his fist in Minseok’s direction as he heads towards the living room, from which groans and squeals are currently issuing. Either Tao and Kris are finally hooking up, Minseok thinks, or Jongdae’s stolen Tao’s phone again and is trying to figure out his password by guessing very embarrassing words. Minseok sincerely hopes it’s the latter.
He leans against the cool tile of the bathroom wall, trying to ignore the way his bones feel like jelly and the way his head is pounding. He tries to forget the way his heart had jumped alarmingly in his chest when Luhan had brushed past him on his way out of the bathroom, bare arm sending a zing of electricity across Minseok’s bare chest.
“Minseok? Minseok are you almost done?” he can hear Kris yelling as he pounds on the door. “Can you check something for me? Tao insists that his moisturizer has aloe vera in it and that’s why his skin has been looking so smooth lately but I think the bottle actually says algae extract on it. This is important! I need to know if I can, in good faith, make fun of him for smearing aquarium scum all over his pretty face. Minseok? You there?”
“Aww, you think I have a pretty face?” Tao laughs from somewhere further down the hall and Minseok hears a squeal and bang as something hits the wall. Probably one of Kris’s shoes. Typical.
“Don’t put holes in the wall!” Minseok yells before turning on the water. It does little to drown out of the sound of Kris getting kicked in the stomach. Minseok honestly doesn’t get why he still tries to beat up Tao. Some people never learn.
“Minseok?” Luhan asks sweetly, wandering into the kitchen and leaning on the counter next to where Minseok is making himself a cup of coffee. He’s smiling in a deviously kind manner and Minseok immediately moves a hand to the waistband of his sweatpants, preparing for the worst.
“If this is about my dick again, I don’t want to hear it,” he grumbles, eyeing Luhan suspiciously.
“Oh, don’t let’s be silly,” Luhan scoffs, waving a hand vaguely. “This is about something else. Though admittedly a bit related.”
“What?” Minseok asks distrustfully, not taking his hand away from his pants.
“I was wondering if you think Sehun is into boys,” Luhan says quickly, and Minseok chokes on his coffee, slamming the mug down onto the counter as he pounds his chest.
“Wh-what did you just say?” Minseok wheezes when he’s finally finished hacking up half a lung. “And thanks for all the support, by the way. I could have just died.”
“I don’t know the Heimlich,” Luhan shrugs unconcernedly. “And besides, this is more important than your potential death via coffee inhalation! This is an Important Question.”
“Oh, is it Important Question day?” Jongdae asks with interest as he enters the kitchen. “I love that day! Here, I’ll add one. What are the chances of Suho letting me talk a lot during interviews and not asking the managers later to cut out all of my best lines? Because Baekhyun says just as many stupid things as I do but when he says it it’s suddenly comedy or something-”
“Are you seriously complaining about Baekhyun again?” Kris asks as he enters the kitchen. “Why don’t you just ask him to teach you his ways or something. I bet he’d do it if you made out with him.”
“But I’m not gay,” Jongdae whines pitifully, slumping against the counter. “And if I did that I’m pretty Chanyeol would punch me in the face and break my beautiful cheekbones.”
“Why would Chanyeol punch you?” Tao asks, sliding over to Kris and plopping down into his lap. Kris groans in annoyance but no one misses the way his arms immediately wrap around Tao’s waist, holding him in place. “Not that I’m complaining, I’d love to see Chanyeol punch you. Actually, I’d love to see Chanyeol punch anyone. Does anyone who doesn’t care too much about their face want to make out with Baekhyun?”
“We’re idols, of course we all care about our faces,” Jongdae sighs, running his fingers along the bridge of his nose.
“Okay, this is not how I wanted this to go,” Luhan mutters before his face brightens. Grabbing Minseok’s arm, he starts dragging him towards the door.
“What are you doing?” Minseok asks, half-heartedly trying to pull his arm out of Luhan’s hands. Luhan’s warm, pretty hands.
“We’re going somewhere we can talk more privately,” Luhan says, shoving Minseok into his room. Yixing is still lying in his bed, and Luhan sighs as he walks quickly over to him.
“FISH!” he yells right in Yixing’s ear and Yixing starts so hard he falls out of his bed, trapped in a cocoon of sheets as he writhes and struggles. Luhan eventually takes pity on him and lends him a hand, peeling away layers of fabric until Yixing’s mostly untangled, enough for him to make a break for the door, throwing it open and tearing down the hallway towards the bathroom.
“Apparently hearing any word related to water while he’s asleep makes him really have to pee,” Luhan shrugs as he shuts the door again, and Minseok laughs. But suddenly Luhan is moving closer to him, backing Minseok up against the wall, and Minseok abruptly stops laughing.
“Okay, so I was serious about what I asked back there,” Luhan says earnestly, eyes bright and warm as they gaze into Minseok’s. “Do you think Sehun is into boys?”
“I…don’t know?” Minseok says, ignoring the way his heart seems to be taking an unexpected trip down to visit his toes. “But if you like him, I think you should just ask him. I mean, you guys spend enough time together, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind-”
“Minseok,” Luhan says, narrowing his eyes a bit as he stares hard at him. Minseok suddenly feels like he’s missing an important point of this conversation, but he can’t for the life of him figure out what it might be. “Are you even listening to my questions?”
“Uh…yes?” he says in confusion, and Luhan’s extreme proximity is making it very difficult for Minseok to concentrate. He can smell Luhan, for heaven’s sake, a strangely soothing mixture of cotton and shampoo and mint toothpaste and sugar, probably from the ridiculous amounts Luhan insists on pouring into his coffee.
“And you think if I like someone I should just tell him how I feel?”
“Yeah,” Minseok says, dropping his gaze to his feet. “I think if you like someone, it’s always better to tell them how you feel rather than keeping it all bottled up inside of you. I read somewhere that keeping all your feelings inside instead of talking about them can give you heart attacks, actually, so-”
But he doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Luhan is leaning forward and kissing him, and suddenly Minseok’s world is very warm and wet.
“You’re so stupid,” Luhan says, pulling back and smiling at the slightly dazed look on Minseok’s face.
“Your face is stupid,” Minseok says, voice a bit too high-pitched. Luhan just rolls his eyes.
“Come on, are you going to kiss me again? I’m told I’m an excellent kisser.”
“And who has ever told you that?” Minseok asks, trying his hardest to keep a stupidly wide grin off his face.
“Tao,” Luhan says matter-of-factly, and Minseok tries to jump backwards but there’s a wall there so instead he just hits his head really hard.
“What the-Luhan, when were you even kissing Tao?” Minseok gasps, rubbing the back of his head angrily.
“Well, I had to practice, didn’t I?” Luhan asks, and then goes about swallowing the rest of Minseok’s protests. Minseok can’t say he really minds, especially as he twines his fingers into Luhan’s golden hair and reminds himself again and again that this isn’t a particularly good dream.
“I am going to kill Tao now,” Minseok says loudly as he walks out of Luhan’s room.
“Oh, finally!” Kris yells from the living room. “Quick, Minnie! I’m holding him down, all you need to do is get in here and punch his stupid adorable face!”
Minseok ignores the squeals of pain and shouts of “Duizhang how could you betray me like this!” coupled with cackles of laughter from Jongdae, and turns to look at Luhan leaning against the doorway behind him.
“I’m sure Kris wouldn’t mind holding down Tao for a little bit longer,” Luhan says with a sly smile.
And as Luhan closes the distance between their faces again, Minseok thinks he has the rest of his life to kill Tao. And maybe if he just kisses Luhan enough, he’ll forget that Tao even exists. It’s worth a try.
“So, now can I see your dick?”
“NO!”
“How about if I keep doing this in every dark corner of every bathroom or changing room or bedroom forever?”
“Then maybe.”