Leeteuk and the Beast
Title: Leeteuk and the Beast
Characters: Leeteuk, Zhou Mi
Genre: Crack, Humor
Rating: PG-13
Theme: Beast
Summary: Leeteuk wakes up one morning to discover that he is now a Disney princess.
Warning: Leeteuk is a girl throughout most of this…
Before Leeteuk had even opened his eyes that morning he knew something was off. He knew it wasn’t the temperature of the room, or really anything to do with his surroundings, although there was a very intense scent of roses in the air now that he thought about it. It was more like something about himself. He didn’t feel feverish, or sick in any way. It was more like something was… missing.
“OH MY GOD, IT’S GONE!” he screamed, finally taking note of a certain appendage that was inexplicably absent from between his legs. After nearly twenty minutes of flinging himself about the room, searching frantically, as if he thought perhaps he had simply misplaced it, Leeteuk realized that whatever terrible person had run away with his penis had left him breasts in its place.
Well… Not exactly in its place, but about 40 centimeters north of where it had once been. The thought almost made Leeteuk want to cry. Despite what people told him about what a nice-looking girl he made, Leeteuk had never really been quite that into cross-dressing. That was more like Heechul’s department. Leeteuk almost wondered if this was one of Heechul’s pranks, and then decided that even Heechul didn’t have quite that much power, despite having quite a bit.
“Belle!” someone called, and it only took a moment for Leeteuk to realize that it was not a human calling out to the unknown ‘Belle’, but the wardrobe. Having never spoken to a wardrobe before, Leeteuk wasn’t entirely certain how to respond.
“Erm…ma’am?” Could wardrobes even have genders? “I’m not sure who you’re speaking to, but I don’t see anyone else here. Maybe she’s in a different room?”
“Oh! You’re so funny, Belle!” The wardrobe gave a great laugh. Her drawers shot open and a great deal of women’s clothing began to fly out. The wardrobe looked embarrassed and quickly shut herself. She changed the subject before Leeteuk had time to ask questions. “Now, you must get changed before going down to breakfast! Who knows what The Master would do if he saw you in your undergarments!”
Leeteuk turned bright red and tried to pretend he didn’t want to cry. The female hormones seemed to be making him quite a bit more emotional than he usually was… And if you were to ask someone like Kangin, that would be saying something.
The wardrobe placed a very fluffy-looking, bright yellow dress upon the bed and then turned away to give Leeteuk some privacy while he dressed. Leeteuk would much rather have found himself a pair of jeans and a hoodie to wear, something unisex that would make him feel less awkward, but being a member of Super Junior, Leeteuk was not a stranger to dressing as a woman, and he began to take off his much too skimpy nightgown in order to replace it with something a bit less (much less) revealing. Out of the corner of his eye, Leeteuk caught the wardrobe leaning back around to watch him undress, and decided that he would have to be cautious around her from now on.
--
Sitting at the table, across from the most hideous creature Leeteuk had ever seen in his life, Leeteuk thought back years ago, to a time before the debut of Super Junior, when Heechul had given everyone names after Disney characters. Leeteuk vaguely recalled being Belle while Kangin had been the Beast. It had all been a good laugh then, but now that Leeteuk really was Belle, he wondered if everyone else was in the same predicament. If so, then it was Kangin sitting across from him, licking a plate that had once been filled with bacon with his black, hairy tongue. For a moment, he felt jealous of people like Kyuhyun who didn’t have a Disney character to be, and therefore didn’t have to be in this situation.
“Kangin!” Leeteuk shout-whispered across the table before glancing around to see if any of the cutlery had heard him. One of the spoons looked at him as if he were crazy, and Leeteuk quickly thrust it down into his scalding hot oatmeal. The Beast/Kangin didn’t seem to hear him. He simply continued his licking, and Leeteuk wondered if he’d had some sort of bad reaction to a medication. “KANGIN!”
The Beast looked up at him, raised an eyebrow, and then returned to his plate-licking. Leeteuk, however, was not discouraged, as he had experienced times when Kangin’s PMSing had been enough to rival even Heechul’s. “Kangin, it’s Leeteuk! Teukie-Teukie! Your leader!”
The entire dining room paused and the Beast put down his plate.
An hour later, when Leeteuk’s temperature had been taken six times, and a teapot with a mother complex had brought him various fluids and forced him to stay in bed, Leeteuk decided that the Beast wasn’t Kangin.
--
Leeteuk had been there for twelve days, six hours, and forty-seven minutes (not that he had been counting) when the motherly teapot-Mrs. Potts, he’d learned to be her name-stumbled into his room looking all-together distressed. This troubled Leeteuk, mostly because he’d found Mrs. Potts to be a fairly nice companion in his time at the castle. The two of them had quite a lot in common, both feeling an overwhelming need to coddle and care for nearly all who crossed their paths. The teapot had even been kind enough to help remove the peeping wardrobe from Leeteuk’s room when he complained that said wardrobe kept giving him splinters due to its constant need to feel him up.
Leeteuk had never been felt up by anything but a human before his experience in the land of Beauty and the Beast, but he had confirmed his belief that he was not cabinet-sexual.
“Mrs. Potts?” Leeteuk threw down the book he had been reading and ran to her side. It appeared that she had been crying. “Is there something the matter? Has one of the children fallen off the shelf again?” This would not have been an unusual occurrence, for many of the tea cups could be quite rambunctious. Leeteuk had never gathered the courage to ask Mrs. Potts why she had had enough children to make up an entire tea set, but he thought that if she hadn’t it would have been far easier to prevent such accidents.
“No, no, nothing like that…” Mrs. Potts sniffled and Leeteuk saw her struggling to wipe away her own tears-a rather useless feat, due to her lack of hands. “It’s… it’s just that…”
The thought of whatever it was that was troubling Mrs. Potts seemed to send her into another fit of hysterics. Leeteuk reached out, handkerchief in hand, ready to wipe away the tears, but this only seemed to make the teapot angry, and she snapped her teeth at him in a way that Leeteuk didn’t think should be possible for a kitchen appliance. “TEAPOTS CAN’T WEAR SHOES!” Mrs. Potts screamed at the top of her lungs. “They can’t wear sneakers, or stilettos, or thigh-high boots! They don’t even have thighs, let alone feet! I can’t even wear flip-flops!”
As far as Leeteuk knew, it had been like seven billion years since the castle had become cursed, and he wondered why it had taken until today for Mrs. Potts to come to this realization. Had they even had shoes back then? The Beast didn’t seem especially worried about wearing them, and he actually had feet, no matter how ginormous and hairy they may have been. Perhaps this was an issue that had been building up in Mrs. Potts’ subconscious for many years, and it had simply taken until now for the true reality to hit. Or maybe Mrs. Potts had spent the morning reading recent fashion magazines, magazines that had informed her that going barefoot was now officially out, and footwear was now the one and only way to go. Leeteuk knew Zhou Mi had been leading a campaign against the shoeless for years now.
Zhou Mi.
Was it possible that the blubbering, biting teapot in front of him could be a living, breathing member of his own band? Leeteuk could only be so lucky. This was probably just a prank, orchestrated by whatever ungodly source had brought him hear in the first place. Of all the members who could show up, Leeteuk would probably expect Zhou Mi last of all. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Zhou Mi or anything, the two of them got along quite well really. But conversations between the two of them nearly always drifted back to spotlight-stealing and ways to appear cute at all times.
“Erm… Mimi? Is that you?” Leeteuk once again outstretched his hand, this time hoping for better results.
The Teapot erupted into sobs once again, and Leeteuk worried that he had offended her somehow by calling her such an odd name, but it was only a moment before she began to speak again. “I… Can you… Can you really recognize me when I look so… so hideous!?”
The remainder of the night was spent in Leeteuk’s bed, a large poster of human-male-Zhou Mi taped over the mirrors so that when he looked into them he would be able to resist the urge to cry. At one point, after many bottles of an unknown alcohol that Leeteuk had found hidden in a cabinet in one of the pantries, Zhou Mi seemed to forget that the woman in front of him was Leeteuk-as well as the fact that he himself was currently a teapot-and there had been a rather awkward moment where Leeteuk found himself explaining to Zhou Mi why the two of them could not have sex.
Leeteuk hadn’t even known that Zhou Mi liked women. He had always been convinced otherwise, but perhaps the transformation into a middle-aged woman cursed into teapot had done something to the Chinese boy’s mind. He had read once that after a sex-change, many people had a tendency to change their minds about which gender they preferred. He thought perhaps this was Zhou Mi’s predicament.
--
On day 452, Leeteuk finally gave up on ever being rescued. Day 452 also happened to be the first time Leeteuk had seen the wardrobe in nearly five months. He had developed a sixth sense about her whereabouts after the time she had nearly succeeded in getting him chained to the bed, a cheerful red apple in his mouth, before Zhou Mi came bounding in, full to the lid with hot tea, which he promised to dump upon all of the wardrobe’s contents if Leeteuk was not released.
Leeteuk had never been more grateful.
This time, however, he was rather caught off-guard, and Zhou Mi was all the way in the kitchen, punishing one of his many children for redecorating itself with lead paint; apparently he had wanted to commit a mass homicide upon all who drank from him. Leeteuk was alone and vulnerable.
“Hello, Belle,” the wardrobe spoke with what Leeteuk supposed it thought was a seductive tone. “Wanna climb in my drawers?”
Leeteuk cringed and attempted to escape from the room in a very fast, very nonchalant way. He didn’t want to hurt the wardrobe’s feelings. “I’m busy.” He proclaimed. “I have to go…”-Leeteuk thought quickly-“build homes for children with Alzheimer’s Disease.”
This seemed to throw the wardrobe off for a moment, but it wasn’t long before it began to advance on him once again. “It’ll only take a moment. Don’t worry. I have very tender hands.”
Leeteuk doubted this for two reasons. The first was that the wardrobe had given him a great deal of slivers in the past. The second was that the wardrobe didn’t have hands.
“Rain check?” Leeteuk begged, just as the wardrobe leapt upon him, pulling him into the large double doors that made up a large part of her front side. It was dark in the wardrobe, and stuffy, and Leeteuk could only hold on for a few moments before the clothing (which smelt oddly of chloroform) smothered him into unconsciousness.
--
Leeteuk awoke in his own bed, Heechul spread out diagonally across his body, and sunlight pouring in through the window. He could hear Kangin snoring on the floor nearby, and he wondered vaguely what Heechul had done to Kangin to leave Leeteuk’s side. There had probably been some sort of blackmail involved.
The cell phone on the bedside table caught his eye, and he scooped it up the moment he had freed his arm from Heechul’s clutches. Speed dial number 5 was pressed and Leeteuk pushed the phone to his ear, waiting impatiently for an answer to whether or not Zhou Mi was safe, away from the land of hairy beasts, sexually predatory wardrobes, and shoelessness.
“Do you happen to know where Zhou Mi is?” Leeteuk asked, rather wearily, into the phone the moment he heard noise on the other end.
“Oh yes!” Donghae’s voice answered back cheerfully, pleased to be of some help to his leader. “He’s in the kitchen having a cup of tea.”