Manly, angst filled giggles
So a_white_rain and I are totally awesome because we just accidently wrote 1,546 words of crack. And no, I shouldn't be posting this stuff in my lj, but it's not real fanfiction so... yeah.
It all started the morning Sasuke came back. Well, it might have started earlier, Naruto didn't know, but what he did know is that when he visited Sasuke in the hospital that morning expecting a semi-heartfelt apology from his estranged best friend (or at least a punch in the face), what he found instead was the last Uchiha arranging a rather lovely boquet of roses.
Naruto stared, blinked and then asked: "... Sasuke, what the hell are you doing?"
Sasuke's left eye twitched and he shot Naruto a dangerous glare, "I'm arranging a boquet, you moron. What does it look like?"
"I can see that, asshole. I asked you why you were doing it."
With a huff, Sasuke turned away and twirled a rose between his fingers thoughtfully, a slight blush darkening his pale cheeks, "Well... it's for... Lee."
Naruto frowned, "You're arranging a boquet... for... Rock Lee."
"Yes," Sasuke snapped, glaring at him again, "You have a problem with that, dumbass?"
"Oh no," Naruto rolled his eyes dramatically, "That's perfectly normal, you know. Sasuke Uchiha buying roses for the infamous fuzzy-brows. This is completely in character."
"Well, unlike you I was raised by a noble family. I have manners, you know. And it's only proper to make a boquet for the person who single handedly saved you from the darkness." and then, much to Naruto's horror and disgust, Sasuke Uchiha giggled (but it was a very dark, manly and angst-filled giggle), "Afterall, Lee has that effect on people."
"W-what?" Naruto sputtered, gaping at his friend in shock, "What's this about Lee saving people from their darkness? That's my gimmick!!"
It was Sasuke's turn to roll his eyes, "Duh, Naruto. Lee's passion is so intense and pure that it heals everyone within an eight thousand mile radius."
"No way." Naruto shook his head vehemently, "I went through hell for you, bastard. I trained and obsessed and wrote bad poetry for three years! THREE FUCKING YEARS! I sang 'I Would Do Anything For Love' to you on your sixteenth birthday!" Sasuke just shrugged, and Naruto balled his hands into fists, "Sasuke, what about all that sizzling sexual tension we've had since we were twelve!? What about Sakura?"
Sasuke blinked innocently, "What about her?"
Naruto finally threw his arms up in the air, growled in frustration and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Sasuke hummed and put another white rose into the boquet. No way that Hyuuga castaway was going to best him this time.
--------
“And he was giggling, Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto cried, flailing his arms. “Sasuke Uchiha was giggling and arranging flowers!”
Kakashi scratched his chin and said thoughtfully, “Well, love has that affect on people. And Sasuke is no different.”
“Giggling, Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto said and then added bitterly, “Didn’t giggle with me. Said I was his best friend and even tried to kill me because I was… Never gave me flowers. All Lee did was visit him…”
Kakashi suddenly set both of his hands on Naruto’s shoulders and said in an unusually intense voice, “You aren’t going to go back to writing poetry, are you?”
“Maybe,” Naruto said. “I still have ten pages left in my notebook.” He added mounfully, :It helped dull the aching pain in my heart, like bleeding out pain that Sasuke’s darkness inflicted upon me.”
Kakashi shuttered and his visible eye widened and he dug his fingernails into Naruto’s shoulders. “No. Naruto, I cannot let you continue. You’re poetry is a disgrace to good writing everywhere.”
“Like you can talk, I was with the old pervert for two and a half years. I’ve seen the fifth he’s written,” Naruto said.
“Naruto,” Kakashi said calmly. “If I remember correctly, you and Sasuke are still genin. That means you’re still under my command. If I ever see you writing poetry again, I’ll make your life miserable.”
"Oh, like you've never written poetry in your life, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto challenged, "Didn't you have an angsty best friend story in your childhood?"
Kakashi loosened his grip on Naruto's shoulders and rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "That's ridiculous, Naruto. I would never defile Obito's memory that way. However..."
"Aha!" Naruto pointed an accusatory finger in his teacher's direction, "I knew it! Even you have your dirty little secrets, sensei! Don't be such a hypocrite."
Kakashi smiled under his mark, "It's a very different situation, Naruto. Afterall, Rock Lee does deserve the highest praise and most lovely adjectives one could possibly shower upon him."
Naruto's face went white and his arm, still arched in Kakashi's direction, began to shake, "Oh God, please tell me you're being sarcastic."
Kakashi's smile faded and he adopted an expression of stoic seriousness, "Oh no, Naruto, I'm being quite sincere."
- which was the part where Naruto ran away screaming.
--------
"... and you know what that stupidest part is? The stupidest part is that Lee's already engaged! He's marrying Gaara- I know because Gaara asked me to be his bridemaid."
"Hmm." Sakura nodded, twirling her spicy kimchi around her chopsticks.
"Well, aren't you mad!?"
"Why would I be mad, Naruto?"
"Well, uh..." Naruto scratched his head, "Because, Sakura-chan, it's Sasuke. And he suddenly wants Lee? Aren't you jealous!?"
Sakura smiled as she daintly ate her noodles, "Oh, I hardly think I'm the jealous one in this situation."
"But you're in love with Sasuke! You have been for, like, ever! You should go up to that hospital room and... I-I dunno. Rape him until he comes to his senses!"
"It's okay, Naruto." Sakura folded her hands on the table and regarded her team mate calmly, "I resigned myself, sometime ago, to the fact that no one in this series seems to be straight."
"Y-you mean Sasuke's.... h-he's... gay!?" Naruto's jaw dropped and his eyes went wide like (flying) saucers.
"Well, if he's sending flowers to another boy, that would be the logical conclusion."
Naruto stared at her dumbfounded for a few moments while several different shades of epiphany lit his face. Finally, he narrowed his eyes, slammed his fists on the table and exclaimed: "But if Sasuke's gay, he should be in love with me!"
"Well, he's not." Sakura chided.
"That's not fair!" Naruto whined.
"If life were fair, Naruto," Sakura hit him on the head lightly, "It wouldn't matter tha Sasuke was gay- he'd be in love with me anyways. You didn't see me whining about it when your relationship with him got dozens of chapters of development and all I got was a damned 'Thank you' and a punch in the gut. Just be a man and face up to the fact that neither of us are going to have him and eat your ramen."
Naruto pouted, but nevertheless he turned to his ramen and began slurping it listlessly. After a moment, he asked: "Hey, since neither of us are going to be having sex with Sasuke anytime soon, does that mean you'll date me?" he glanced at Sakura with wide, hopeful eyes.
"No."
Suddenly, Sasuke stormed into the restaurant, grabbed Naruto’s bowl of ramen and threw it on the ground. He slumped in the chair across from Sakura and folded his arms.
Naruto’s eyes widened and he looked at the crushed bowl and the soiled ramen. He clenched his fists and turned to face Sasuke, his eyes flickering red, “That was my ramen.”
Sasuke titled his head up and glared at Naruto. “I’m not in the mood to argue with you, you moron. Lee turned me down.” He paused and added with a slightly panicky tone, “This is the part where I go insane and in vengeance mode, right?”
“Oh, no,” Sakura said, and shot Sasuke a hard glare. “You are going to stay here and Naruto is going to kiss you and I’m going to sit back and enjoy the show.”
Sasuke’s eyes widened, but before he could say anything, Sakura continued.
“Everyone is gay, and I have accepted it and plan to enjoy it.” She tilted her head to Naruto and ordered, “Kiss him. I’ve got ten minutes before meeting Ino and Temari for some hot rival threesome lesbian ninja sex.”
Naruto was never one to turn Sakura down.
--------
For the second time that week, Lee stumbled into Gaara's office bloody, bruised and panting.
"I thought you went home." Gaara commented simply.
Lee collapsed into a chair near the kage desk and cradled his forehead in his palms, "I did go home, but suddenly, everyone in Konoha is very passionate about the springtime of youth."
If Gaara had had eyebrows, he would have raised one, "... that seems like something that would normally make you happy."
Lee opened his eyes and stared at Gaara very gravely, "No, it's horrible! You see, they're all very passionate about the springtime of my youth in particular. Well, the men at least."
It took Gaara about three and a half seconds to catch what Lee was attempting to imply, at which point he crushed a stack of paper in his hands and stood up sharply. If he had still had Shukaku, he knew a certain Hyuuga who would be dead right now, "Lets go to Konoha, Lee. I need to talk to some people."
Startled, Lee lept from his chair and placed two mediating hands on Gaara's shoulders, "N-no! It's perfectly fine! I just told them that I could not possibly think of betraying my dearest desert rose, Gaara-san! I sung the beauty of our love to the stars and they were discouraged." a pause, "Um, I think."
Calmly, Gaara pressed a pale palm to Lee's chest and assured, "Don't worry. I'll be very-" he searched for an appropiate word, "Diplomatic."
EPILOGUE
"Kisame, I'm leaving you."
Kisame looked up from his piping cup of tea and regarded his partner carefully, "Itachi-san, you really do say ridiculous things sometimes. We work so well together. You'd probably end up killing anyone else in the organization anyways."
Itachi narrowed his eyes dangerously, "I meant sexually."
Kisame frowned, "Oh. Well, that's a shame. Any particular reason?"
"As much as the claspers are nice, I have an appointment to be morally redeemed through the beautiful and passionate purity of Rock Lee's magical love before taking my brother shopping for a prom dress."
As per usual, Itachi managed to say all this with a blank expression and monotone drawl. Kisame tried his very best not to laugh, but ended up grinning anyways (but hey, grinning was what sharks did best. Well, that and killing. You know how it is), "Well, I'm very happy for you Itachi-san. I'll see you on Monday then?"
Itachi just said, "Mmm." and walked away.
Kisame sighed and shook his head, "Young people these days."
And since we're on the subject of crack, have I mentioned lately how much I love Pyramid Head?
AND YEAH, I DO SLEEP SOMETIMES.
EDIT: Also, Dawn and I watched the Fusion Movie today because, lolz, I haven't seen that since Eighth grade. So a few months ago I got into a random debate with some dumbass on fanficrants who was bitching about slash in shounen fighting series fandom, Naruto in particular, and he randomly compared Sasuke and Naruto's relationship to Goku and Vegeta. I was just all like: "WTF. No way, they are so much more gay. O__O"
But after rewatching that movie, I'm not so sure. OH NO, VEGETA. IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER. IF FUSING MAKES YOU FEEL AWKWARD, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.
And now that I'm done ruining my childhood, sleep commences.
FOURTH COUSIN OF THE EDIT: Why do I want a Tuna Fish Sandwhich?
It all started the morning Sasuke came back. Well, it might have started earlier, Naruto didn't know, but what he did know is that when he visited Sasuke in the hospital that morning expecting a semi-heartfelt apology from his estranged best friend (or at least a punch in the face), what he found instead was the last Uchiha arranging a rather lovely boquet of roses.
Naruto stared, blinked and then asked: "... Sasuke, what the hell are you doing?"
Sasuke's left eye twitched and he shot Naruto a dangerous glare, "I'm arranging a boquet, you moron. What does it look like?"
"I can see that, asshole. I asked you why you were doing it."
With a huff, Sasuke turned away and twirled a rose between his fingers thoughtfully, a slight blush darkening his pale cheeks, "Well... it's for... Lee."
Naruto frowned, "You're arranging a boquet... for... Rock Lee."
"Yes," Sasuke snapped, glaring at him again, "You have a problem with that, dumbass?"
"Oh no," Naruto rolled his eyes dramatically, "That's perfectly normal, you know. Sasuke Uchiha buying roses for the infamous fuzzy-brows. This is completely in character."
"Well, unlike you I was raised by a noble family. I have manners, you know. And it's only proper to make a boquet for the person who single handedly saved you from the darkness." and then, much to Naruto's horror and disgust, Sasuke Uchiha giggled (but it was a very dark, manly and angst-filled giggle), "Afterall, Lee has that effect on people."
"W-what?" Naruto sputtered, gaping at his friend in shock, "What's this about Lee saving people from their darkness? That's my gimmick!!"
It was Sasuke's turn to roll his eyes, "Duh, Naruto. Lee's passion is so intense and pure that it heals everyone within an eight thousand mile radius."
"No way." Naruto shook his head vehemently, "I went through hell for you, bastard. I trained and obsessed and wrote bad poetry for three years! THREE FUCKING YEARS! I sang 'I Would Do Anything For Love' to you on your sixteenth birthday!" Sasuke just shrugged, and Naruto balled his hands into fists, "Sasuke, what about all that sizzling sexual tension we've had since we were twelve!? What about Sakura?"
Sasuke blinked innocently, "What about her?"
Naruto finally threw his arms up in the air, growled in frustration and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Sasuke hummed and put another white rose into the boquet. No way that Hyuuga castaway was going to best him this time.
--------
“And he was giggling, Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto cried, flailing his arms. “Sasuke Uchiha was giggling and arranging flowers!”
Kakashi scratched his chin and said thoughtfully, “Well, love has that affect on people. And Sasuke is no different.”
“Giggling, Kakashi-sensei,” Naruto said and then added bitterly, “Didn’t giggle with me. Said I was his best friend and even tried to kill me because I was… Never gave me flowers. All Lee did was visit him…”
Kakashi suddenly set both of his hands on Naruto’s shoulders and said in an unusually intense voice, “You aren’t going to go back to writing poetry, are you?”
“Maybe,” Naruto said. “I still have ten pages left in my notebook.” He added mounfully, :It helped dull the aching pain in my heart, like bleeding out pain that Sasuke’s darkness inflicted upon me.”
Kakashi shuttered and his visible eye widened and he dug his fingernails into Naruto’s shoulders. “No. Naruto, I cannot let you continue. You’re poetry is a disgrace to good writing everywhere.”
“Like you can talk, I was with the old pervert for two and a half years. I’ve seen the fifth he’s written,” Naruto said.
“Naruto,” Kakashi said calmly. “If I remember correctly, you and Sasuke are still genin. That means you’re still under my command. If I ever see you writing poetry again, I’ll make your life miserable.”
"Oh, like you've never written poetry in your life, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto challenged, "Didn't you have an angsty best friend story in your childhood?"
Kakashi loosened his grip on Naruto's shoulders and rubbed his chin thoughtfully, "That's ridiculous, Naruto. I would never defile Obito's memory that way. However..."
"Aha!" Naruto pointed an accusatory finger in his teacher's direction, "I knew it! Even you have your dirty little secrets, sensei! Don't be such a hypocrite."
Kakashi smiled under his mark, "It's a very different situation, Naruto. Afterall, Rock Lee does deserve the highest praise and most lovely adjectives one could possibly shower upon him."
Naruto's face went white and his arm, still arched in Kakashi's direction, began to shake, "Oh God, please tell me you're being sarcastic."
Kakashi's smile faded and he adopted an expression of stoic seriousness, "Oh no, Naruto, I'm being quite sincere."
- which was the part where Naruto ran away screaming.
--------
"... and you know what that stupidest part is? The stupidest part is that Lee's already engaged! He's marrying Gaara- I know because Gaara asked me to be his bridemaid."
"Hmm." Sakura nodded, twirling her spicy kimchi around her chopsticks.
"Well, aren't you mad!?"
"Why would I be mad, Naruto?"
"Well, uh..." Naruto scratched his head, "Because, Sakura-chan, it's Sasuke. And he suddenly wants Lee? Aren't you jealous!?"
Sakura smiled as she daintly ate her noodles, "Oh, I hardly think I'm the jealous one in this situation."
"But you're in love with Sasuke! You have been for, like, ever! You should go up to that hospital room and... I-I dunno. Rape him until he comes to his senses!"
"It's okay, Naruto." Sakura folded her hands on the table and regarded her team mate calmly, "I resigned myself, sometime ago, to the fact that no one in this series seems to be straight."
"Y-you mean Sasuke's.... h-he's... gay!?" Naruto's jaw dropped and his eyes went wide like (flying) saucers.
"Well, if he's sending flowers to another boy, that would be the logical conclusion."
Naruto stared at her dumbfounded for a few moments while several different shades of epiphany lit his face. Finally, he narrowed his eyes, slammed his fists on the table and exclaimed: "But if Sasuke's gay, he should be in love with me!"
"Well, he's not." Sakura chided.
"That's not fair!" Naruto whined.
"If life were fair, Naruto," Sakura hit him on the head lightly, "It wouldn't matter tha Sasuke was gay- he'd be in love with me anyways. You didn't see me whining about it when your relationship with him got dozens of chapters of development and all I got was a damned 'Thank you' and a punch in the gut. Just be a man and face up to the fact that neither of us are going to have him and eat your ramen."
Naruto pouted, but nevertheless he turned to his ramen and began slurping it listlessly. After a moment, he asked: "Hey, since neither of us are going to be having sex with Sasuke anytime soon, does that mean you'll date me?" he glanced at Sakura with wide, hopeful eyes.
"No."
Suddenly, Sasuke stormed into the restaurant, grabbed Naruto’s bowl of ramen and threw it on the ground. He slumped in the chair across from Sakura and folded his arms.
Naruto’s eyes widened and he looked at the crushed bowl and the soiled ramen. He clenched his fists and turned to face Sasuke, his eyes flickering red, “That was my ramen.”
Sasuke titled his head up and glared at Naruto. “I’m not in the mood to argue with you, you moron. Lee turned me down.” He paused and added with a slightly panicky tone, “This is the part where I go insane and in vengeance mode, right?”
“Oh, no,” Sakura said, and shot Sasuke a hard glare. “You are going to stay here and Naruto is going to kiss you and I’m going to sit back and enjoy the show.”
Sasuke’s eyes widened, but before he could say anything, Sakura continued.
“Everyone is gay, and I have accepted it and plan to enjoy it.” She tilted her head to Naruto and ordered, “Kiss him. I’ve got ten minutes before meeting Ino and Temari for some hot rival threesome lesbian ninja sex.”
Naruto was never one to turn Sakura down.
--------
For the second time that week, Lee stumbled into Gaara's office bloody, bruised and panting.
"I thought you went home." Gaara commented simply.
Lee collapsed into a chair near the kage desk and cradled his forehead in his palms, "I did go home, but suddenly, everyone in Konoha is very passionate about the springtime of youth."
If Gaara had had eyebrows, he would have raised one, "... that seems like something that would normally make you happy."
Lee opened his eyes and stared at Gaara very gravely, "No, it's horrible! You see, they're all very passionate about the springtime of my youth in particular. Well, the men at least."
It took Gaara about three and a half seconds to catch what Lee was attempting to imply, at which point he crushed a stack of paper in his hands and stood up sharply. If he had still had Shukaku, he knew a certain Hyuuga who would be dead right now, "Lets go to Konoha, Lee. I need to talk to some people."
Startled, Lee lept from his chair and placed two mediating hands on Gaara's shoulders, "N-no! It's perfectly fine! I just told them that I could not possibly think of betraying my dearest desert rose, Gaara-san! I sung the beauty of our love to the stars and they were discouraged." a pause, "Um, I think."
Calmly, Gaara pressed a pale palm to Lee's chest and assured, "Don't worry. I'll be very-" he searched for an appropiate word, "Diplomatic."
EPILOGUE
"Kisame, I'm leaving you."
Kisame looked up from his piping cup of tea and regarded his partner carefully, "Itachi-san, you really do say ridiculous things sometimes. We work so well together. You'd probably end up killing anyone else in the organization anyways."
Itachi narrowed his eyes dangerously, "I meant sexually."
Kisame frowned, "Oh. Well, that's a shame. Any particular reason?"
"As much as the claspers are nice, I have an appointment to be morally redeemed through the beautiful and passionate purity of Rock Lee's magical love before taking my brother shopping for a prom dress."
As per usual, Itachi managed to say all this with a blank expression and monotone drawl. Kisame tried his very best not to laugh, but ended up grinning anyways (but hey, grinning was what sharks did best. Well, that and killing. You know how it is), "Well, I'm very happy for you Itachi-san. I'll see you on Monday then?"
Itachi just said, "Mmm." and walked away.
Kisame sighed and shook his head, "Young people these days."
And since we're on the subject of crack, have I mentioned lately how much I love Pyramid Head?
AND YEAH, I DO SLEEP SOMETIMES.
EDIT: Also, Dawn and I watched the Fusion Movie today because, lolz, I haven't seen that since Eighth grade. So a few months ago I got into a random debate with some dumbass on fanficrants who was bitching about slash in shounen fighting series fandom, Naruto in particular, and he randomly compared Sasuke and Naruto's relationship to Goku and Vegeta. I was just all like: "WTF. No way, they are so much more gay. O__O"
But after rewatching that movie, I'm not so sure. OH NO, VEGETA. IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE SEEN EACH OTHER. IF FUSING MAKES YOU FEEL AWKWARD, WE DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.
And now that I'm done ruining my childhood, sleep commences.
FOURTH COUSIN OF THE EDIT: Why do I want a Tuna Fish Sandwhich?