Fic: Green Eggs and Sam
Title: Green Eggs and Sam
Written and Read by celtic_forest
Fandom: Supernatural, with just a pinch of Angel, Leverage, and Star Trek (and a mention of Young MacGyver)
Rated: PG; 99% Gen
Genre: crack that rhymes, and other crimes
Disclaimer: I own nothing that's not mine
Word count: 1,000 (for some of which I apologize in advance)
Summary: Dr. Seuss is on the lam. Sam-I-am is in a jam: Dean won't eat green eggs and ham! Shows are mocked with rhyming - slam!
Podfic! mp3 and audiobook.
If anyone else would like to podfic this, feel free. I think that with humor in particular, a different performer means a different experience for the audience.
*A/N*: In each stanza, Sam is always the first to speak, and he and Dean alternate. Everything is dialogue unless it's in italics.
I am Sam.
(I'm really really sorry about the whole Ruby and raising Lucifer fiasco. Observe my sorrowful expression.)
Sam I am.
That Sam-I-am!
That emo Sam!
He's all the family (or whatever) I've got - damn!
Do you like green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
*
Would you eat them in a diner?
Trust me, the green is mostly minor.
Trust you? Don't push that yet, whiner.
No green eggs for me, I'm fine here.
Recommended by Brent Spiner -
Data swears no eggs're finer!
Geek, that's such a lame one-liner.
Go ride your Vespa like a Shriner.
*
Our kind of thing, I checked the lore.
First eaten by Poe's lost Lenore!
Sam-I-am, you're such a bore.
Don't ask again, no, nevermore!
You cannot logically abhor
food you've never tried before.
Sam! Angels, demons, keeping score.
Forget the eggs, we're in a war!
***
Angels try to help the helpless!
No, that's David Boreanaz.
Is it true you fraternize
with evil lawyers of small size?
Everyone's "small," so to speak,
next to you, you giant freak.
I think he knows Jake and Crowley.
(And his speaking voice is growly.)
Drop it, get back to our own show,
or who knows where this thing will go!
Could it be you're just afraid
to name some of the friends you've made?
Dude. Paris, Chad, Ashley and Kate;
I would go on but I just ate.
***
Fine. So, you're a sword. Phallic much?
I won't be Starsky to your Hutch!
We're fighting blind, we need a crutch.
And Castiel has lost his "touch."
Well, the apocalypse is such
that hunts haven't changed that much.
No fuckin' way I'm going Dutch
on green eggs I didn't touch.
*
Just try the ham, man (laugh track here)
I bet Caruso wouldn't fear.
Be careful dude, my gun is near.
And don't dis Dr. Sexy, clear?
Why does bad luck to me adhere?
Nutcracker AND the herpes smear!
You got to be KITT (heh-oil in your rear)
Cas is the key, why is he here?
And how's he forced to disappear?
*
About Cas - he seems to hover.
Doesn't his attention smother?
No, he's… we kinda like each other.
Stop choking laughs! Fine, don't recover!!!
The Trickster's might, despite his druthers,
is angelic (arch) uncovered.
Cas and Gabriel, each other's,
Lucifer and Mike's another,
This show keeps on sprouting brothers!
*
You're kidding me. A convention?
What sub-text did they just mention???
Ditch the bitch-face, pay attention.
Hook-man's bungee - great invention!
Prophets don't receive a pension;
too bad, Chuck, no book extensions.
Creepy kids cause apprehension.
For green eggs? Just condescension.
*
Our Becky just can't help but gush.
Her fingers Sam's clavicle brush!
Hand o'er his heart turns me to mush
(it's right where Jensen used to... shush).
Later, when Chuck showed his stuff
(he used the mic stand; ghost went "puff"),
Becky of Sam had had enough.
*
Chuck jumped the shark but stayed in place,
he plays shark hopscotch up in space.
Weird: mainly men were our fan base.
Where were Dean-girls? That LJ place?
A sappy smile stayed on your face -
Damien!Dean put you in your place!
The whole concept was a disgrace,
but those two LARPers did keep pace.
*
I ordered breakfast green (it's me!).
Dude, chill out and eat, you'll see.
Sam-I-am!whumpage, no h/c,
because you set Lucifer free!
"Character death?" Hope it's not me!
Damn, it's a WIP, I'll wait and see.
We need the colt, come search with me.
If all else fails we'll ask Bobby.
*
No need, Becky is in the know.
She says to Crowley we should go.
Where's he? Probably down below.
I'll torture him, that's my MO.
He might just give it, we don't know.
Just try these before we go.
No puppy thing, and no emo,
I said no green food, no no no!
*
Hey, look, the ham's green too. Who knew?
The grammar doesn't give a clue.
Sam-I-am, just get this through -
green eggs and ham I will not chew.
Hmm… huevos verdes - will that do?
'Cause then you could get tacos, too.
White, yellow, pink; no other hue.
Not green, not red, not orange, not blue!
Why can't you just try something new?
Old car, old tapes, old eggs, old you!
Is this about the game I blew?
No fair, it was manwitch voodoo!
I knew that day, you'd come to rue
the poker game I said eschew.
Gesundheit college boy, fuck you.
You were a poker ingénue.
Whoa, ingénue but not eschew?
Frankly, I thought you'd peaked with "hue."
Bitch.
I played for you without a glitch.
He bought my act, I've found my niche.
Well, Sam-I-am, then make us rich.
(As likely as you'll fly Quidditch!)
Jerk.
Look Sam, we have got to work.
Avoid Detroit, that'd be a perk.
You're annoying, like Captain Kirk.
(The old one; not a pleasant quirk.)
*
Just try green eggs and ham for once.
And everyone things I'M the dunce.
Now we're at the big impasse.
I'll let Lucifer kick your ass.
You're going vessels? Bring it, bitch.
Michael's sword will slash and-
Heh - you said "slash."
Man, you're begging for a shiner.
When'd you become an egg/ham whore?
I'd get more help from Young MacGyver.
Stow your 'tude dude, we're at war!
*
Will you eat green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
But will you do it anyway?
Yeah, Sammy. For you, any day.
Thanks, Dean. I'd love you either way.
Written and Read by celtic_forest
Fandom: Supernatural, with just a pinch of Angel, Leverage, and Star Trek (and a mention of Young MacGyver)
Rated: PG; 99% Gen
Genre: crack that rhymes, and other crimes
Disclaimer: I own nothing that's not mine
Word count: 1,000 (for some of which I apologize in advance)
Summary: Dr. Seuss is on the lam. Sam-I-am is in a jam: Dean won't eat green eggs and ham! Shows are mocked with rhyming - slam!
Podfic! mp3 and audiobook.
If anyone else would like to podfic this, feel free. I think that with humor in particular, a different performer means a different experience for the audience.
*A/N*: In each stanza, Sam is always the first to speak, and he and Dean alternate. Everything is dialogue unless it's in italics.
I am Sam.
(I'm really really sorry about the whole Ruby and raising Lucifer fiasco. Observe my sorrowful expression.)
Sam I am.
That Sam-I-am!
That emo Sam!
He's all the family (or whatever) I've got - damn!
Do you like green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
*
Would you eat them in a diner?
Trust me, the green is mostly minor.
Trust you? Don't push that yet, whiner.
No green eggs for me, I'm fine here.
Recommended by Brent Spiner -
Data swears no eggs're finer!
Geek, that's such a lame one-liner.
Go ride your Vespa like a Shriner.
*
Our kind of thing, I checked the lore.
First eaten by Poe's lost Lenore!
Sam-I-am, you're such a bore.
Don't ask again, no, nevermore!
You cannot logically abhor
food you've never tried before.
Sam! Angels, demons, keeping score.
Forget the eggs, we're in a war!
***
Angels try to help the helpless!
No, that's David Boreanaz.
Is it true you fraternize
with evil lawyers of small size?
Everyone's "small," so to speak,
next to you, you giant freak.
I think he knows Jake and Crowley.
(And his speaking voice is growly.)
Drop it, get back to our own show,
or who knows where this thing will go!
Could it be you're just afraid
to name some of the friends you've made?
Dude. Paris, Chad, Ashley and Kate;
I would go on but I just ate.
***
Fine. So, you're a sword. Phallic much?
I won't be Starsky to your Hutch!
We're fighting blind, we need a crutch.
And Castiel has lost his "touch."
Well, the apocalypse is such
that hunts haven't changed that much.
No fuckin' way I'm going Dutch
on green eggs I didn't touch.
*
Just try the ham, man (laugh track here)
I bet Caruso wouldn't fear.
Be careful dude, my gun is near.
And don't dis Dr. Sexy, clear?
Why does bad luck to me adhere?
Nutcracker AND the herpes smear!
You got to be KITT (heh-oil in your rear)
Cas is the key, why is he here?
And how's he forced to disappear?
*
About Cas - he seems to hover.
Doesn't his attention smother?
No, he's… we kinda like each other.
Stop choking laughs! Fine, don't recover!!!
The Trickster's might, despite his druthers,
is angelic (arch) uncovered.
Cas and Gabriel, each other's,
Lucifer and Mike's another,
This show keeps on sprouting brothers!
*
You're kidding me. A convention?
What sub-text did they just mention???
Ditch the bitch-face, pay attention.
Hook-man's bungee - great invention!
Prophets don't receive a pension;
too bad, Chuck, no book extensions.
Creepy kids cause apprehension.
For green eggs? Just condescension.
*
Our Becky just can't help but gush.
Her fingers Sam's clavicle brush!
Hand o'er his heart turns me to mush
(it's right where Jensen used to... shush).
Later, when Chuck showed his stuff
(he used the mic stand; ghost went "puff"),
Becky of Sam had had enough.
*
Chuck jumped the shark but stayed in place,
he plays shark hopscotch up in space.
Weird: mainly men were our fan base.
Where were Dean-girls? That LJ place?
A sappy smile stayed on your face -
Damien!Dean put you in your place!
The whole concept was a disgrace,
but those two LARPers did keep pace.
*
I ordered breakfast green (it's me!).
Dude, chill out and eat, you'll see.
Sam-I-am!whumpage, no h/c,
because you set Lucifer free!
"Character death?" Hope it's not me!
Damn, it's a WIP, I'll wait and see.
We need the colt, come search with me.
If all else fails we'll ask Bobby.
*
No need, Becky is in the know.
She says to Crowley we should go.
Where's he? Probably down below.
I'll torture him, that's my MO.
He might just give it, we don't know.
Just try these before we go.
No puppy thing, and no emo,
I said no green food, no no no!
*
Hey, look, the ham's green too. Who knew?
The grammar doesn't give a clue.
Sam-I-am, just get this through -
green eggs and ham I will not chew.
Hmm… huevos verdes - will that do?
'Cause then you could get tacos, too.
White, yellow, pink; no other hue.
Not green, not red, not orange, not blue!
Why can't you just try something new?
Old car, old tapes, old eggs, old you!
Is this about the game I blew?
No fair, it was manwitch voodoo!
I knew that day, you'd come to rue
the poker game I said eschew.
Gesundheit college boy, fuck you.
You were a poker ingénue.
Whoa, ingénue but not eschew?
Frankly, I thought you'd peaked with "hue."
Bitch.
I played for you without a glitch.
He bought my act, I've found my niche.
Well, Sam-I-am, then make us rich.
(As likely as you'll fly Quidditch!)
Jerk.
Look Sam, we have got to work.
Avoid Detroit, that'd be a perk.
You're annoying, like Captain Kirk.
(The old one; not a pleasant quirk.)
*
Just try green eggs and ham for once.
And everyone things I'M the dunce.
Now we're at the big impasse.
I'll let Lucifer kick your ass.
You're going vessels? Bring it, bitch.
Michael's sword will slash and-
Heh - you said "slash."
Man, you're begging for a shiner.
When'd you become an egg/ham whore?
I'd get more help from Young MacGyver.
Stow your 'tude dude, we're at war!
*
Will you eat green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
But will you do it anyway?
Yeah, Sammy. For you, any day.
Thanks, Dean. I'd love you either way.