APRIL IS SEXUAL ASSAULT AWARENESS MONTH.

[celestineangel]

Thus, you get that rare treat: an unlocked post about me and my issues. Usually I keep these posts under filter--not for my protection, but for yours dear FList--but awareness requires... well, awareness. Anyone who is not on the filter but wants to be, let me know. Anyone who IS on the filter who wants off, same thing

Comments

[cbpotts]

You are strong -- and you are still in the eye of the storm. Things will get easier when you're not as close to things -- and time helps, a lot. Seriously. Thank you for sharing this with me. *hugs you tight* It does get better, on some levels.

[celestineangel]

Thank YOU for being the catalyst.

You'd think almost twenty years would do something towards making a dent in that storm, but "closeness" in the physical sense is definitely a factor. I've never really had the time to get away from the situation in a real manner. The year and a half I spent on my own (for varying values of "on my own") was not nearly enough time for me to separate myself from it. Then I was back.

::hugs back::

[raeraesama]

*hug* I know how you feel. My step-father molested me. Once, while drunk and he stopped when I started to cry...but he still did it and I can never really trust him again. He's on the other side of the continent right now, though. Cue a bit of relief.

It's hard dealing with it. Especially since I didn't understand it, or it's implications until well after. I never told anyone I know IRL, though. Not even my mother.

*hugs* It must be hard still living with him. I know how it feels.

[celestineangel]

::hugs back:: Even once is enough to change your relationship with him, and to change you on a fundamental level. I'm so glad you live away from him now.

[raeraesama]

It does. I hope you're able to move away from him soon.

[iriththedreamer]

*hugs* I think I was lucky in a way that even though I was also molested it was not by a family member, so I never lost that support network. And I was also lucky enough to have a family who loved and supported me and a mother I could tell who shared my anger, and understood, and backed me up.
Despite all that luck I went through a lot of shame and pain about what happened and I still do sometimes. It's not easy to put it out here even in such vague terms as I have. Most days I think I'm a "survivor" but some days I have to push for that.
Thanks for having the strength to put this out here, to share it. I admire you immensely for that. *hugs* Thanks for being so damn brave.

[celestineangel]

I'm not brave. If I were, there are so many other things I'd be doing an saying instead.

What really gets me is the responses I get, and that other people get when they make these sorts of posts. Almost every single person who responds has suffered their own form of abuse. I'm not sure if I know anyone who isn't scarred from some sort of abuse, be it sexual, physical, verbal or emotional. And most of them? Are women.

::hugs:: I'm so, so very glad you had a support network and a mother who was/is yur ally (and to be honest, a little jealous, too).

[celestineangel]

It's one of those situations where you do what you have to do. If I didn't live with them, I'd be on the streets.

It's been almost twenty years for me, and I can't imagine being fully healed. I don't know if I would know what it felt like. I know it's important. I remember when I was at my worst and was miserable all the time, it took a long time to move past that misery simply because I didn't know how and I didn't know what it would be like to not be miserable. Now I'm not miserable all the time, but I'm still broken. So I guess that's the next step... either learn to live broken, as cbpotts puts it, or learn how to let go and move forward.

And again, I have to comment on how many of the responses I've gotten include mentions of past abuse. It's shocking what you don't know about people until they choose to share; it's even more shocking how many people have been affected by abuse.

there really truly are men out there who Love. I've found one, and it has entirely changed my life. Don't give up hope, my dear.If you find another one, pack

[celestineangel]

Insanity. I'm surprised you AREN'T insane. And glad. I like you here. :)

I went to therapy for a little bit. I talked more about my mother and how angry I was at her than I talked about my step-father and what he did. I talked so much about my mother that the therapist finally told me she couldn't help me if I wouldn't talk about what I was really there for, and that I shouldn't come back until then.

[kellychambliss]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this (and that you still have to live with the consequences). But it's a very brave post; thank you.

[celestineangel]

I don't consider myself brave when I'm doing something I think is necessary.

The number of people who've responded to this post mentioning their own past abuse is an example. How many people do you know, that you don't know have suffered abuse?

[kellychambliss]

Oh, dear, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be offensive; I wouldn't have thought of bravery and necessity as incompatible. But I thank you just as much for your necessary comment, then -- you're right, it is necessary, because as you say, so many of us have suffered some form of abuse.

[celestineangel]

No, no, you weren't offensive, and I didn't mean to sound like I thought you were. I'm just saying... I don't think it's bravery. And you're right, bravery and necessity aren't incompatible, I just don't see them as being together in this instance.