Thoughts on friendship, with political and fandom remarks along the way, and a semi-religious coda

[celandineb]

[Not filtering because it's not really about politics or religion, just using some examples from politics, and the religious bit is a link at the end

Comments

[rosedemon]

I think you choose friends emotionally and not for the common interests that you share. It may start the relationship, but eventually the emotions come to the front and take over.

I have a diverse group of friends, only a few actually share my rather odd bag of politics and interests. (A HP fan, die-hard Democrat, pro-choice, pro-death penalty, health-care reform advocate. I said it was odd.) Even though I may share little in these areas with them, it is rather refreshing to have a different view on topics. And if friends are really friends, you agree to disagree and pass the sangria.

[celandineb]

Oh, not that odd -- I'm with you on all but one of the things you mention, and used to be in agreement on that a few years ago but have since changed my opinion. *g*

[florahart]

I didn't click on the not misinterpreting words/making assumptions because I think people, being human, do those things all the time. More critical to the friendship is being able to say what they thought they heard, see where and when they have gone wrong, and let go of the irritation they may have felt, or the disappointment they feel on learning their assumption was wrong. That is, if I say I like bologna, and Jane manages to hear that as "Everyone who likes watermelon is a fascist," and Jane is hurt because she likes watermelon, then when she says but I like watermelon and I am not a fascist, for the friendship to work I need her to be able to hear me say, wait, I said nothing about watermelon or fascism; I said I like bologna, and I need her not to go around holding my watermelon fascism opinion against me. Flip side: if my tone when I said it was such that a reasonable person might have drawn her conclusion, I have to be willing to hear her tell me that. Similarly, if I say I like bologna and she manages to hear "and so I am

[celandineb]

Hee! I couldn't resist putting in that link even though it was totally irrelevant.

I like having it be a government one better than I like letting it all fall to churches, and yes there are secular non-governmental agencies too but they sometimes get mired in ideology and don't have the same kind of hold over their participants so I think counting on them as the only choice presents problems as well, has to be involved to provide that help and protection

Yeah, that's pretty much my attitude on those social-support issues. I'm deeply suspicious of churches playing such a role because at least some of the time they do proselytize those they help, and I abhor that.

[cruisedirector]

For a very long time, I drew no distinction between long-distance and online friendships vs. friendships with people with whom I converse by voice regularly. (I don't want to make it online vs real life because there are some people I know in real life whom I nonetheless interact with online 99 percent of the time, and some people I am lucky if I get to see life once every three years and talk on the phone less than once a month, yet I consider them very much real life friends

[celandineb]

Common alienation, as it were, rather than common interests? *nods* I think common interests are helpful and likely to be one of the initial factors (certainly online), but alone they're not enough. As you say, if that's all there is and one person's interests change, then the friendship is likely to end (and I'm not sure that a real, good friendship is based on a single thing).

While in several cases, meeting in real life has cemented a friendship that I think would have flourished in real life with greater proximity, in several other cases it made me realize that apart from loving some common interest or other, I didn't have much to say to the person and vice versa.

Oh goodness yes. *g* I always feel kind of badly when that's happened -- I want to feel more comfortable and friendly, because I've liked the person's online engagement, but in person there isn't that click, and I regret that. But then I suppose that if I'd come into contact with the person first in-person, and no click happened, I wouldn't have gotten to know

[thrihyrne]

Common alienation, as it were, rather than common interests?Just ducking in, as this is a very interesting topic, and I've missed being on LJ

[celandineb]

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed the post. And yeah, I agree it can be extremely variable between different people... both in the factors that enable friendship to begin, and how and why it continues. {{hugs}

[who_la_hoop]

I think common interests are helpful - so you have something to talk about - but not essential. Same with views. I agree that on some, major things, it's important - I couldn't be friends with a Nazi, as an extreme example - but my friends are allowed to have distasteful views as long as they don't harp on about them at all times. We all have strong opinions on some subjects that others may disagree with.

Basically, I think it's all down to the "likes you and you like back" factor. I can put up with a lot if it's a strong mutual like :)

[celandineb]

Knowing when to leave something alone is important, yes. And recognizing the deal-breakers too... of which for most people I don't think there are that many.

[celandineb]

*g* Glad you enjoyed the link!