Fic: Two Cents
For those of you who haven't had a chance to see this yet...
Title: Two Cents
Rating: PG-13 for Jayne's unique use of wording things
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: I said something witty here the first time I tried to post this and now I can't remember it. Drat.
Summary: Jayne has a strong opinion about what type of man is right for River.
Jayne moodily pulled off his sweat-soaked shirt and threw it in his laundry pile. First, he'd had to dig for near an hour on this rock-infested hellhole to bury the goods fer the job. Then, he'd had to dig it back out when the job went south and the contacts proved unworthy a keeping up their end of the bargain. Or breathin'. And then he'd come back to the ship sweaty, tired, and ticked off to find the Girl all dolled up fer some shindig she'd been invited to with Inara in a more respectable part of this planet. By a boy.
He'd seen a capture of the twerp on account of Kaylee sticking it right in his face and sighing, "Iddn't he so shuài?"
No. He was not shuài. He looked like a Simon copy. Riv didn't need one a those 'cause, well, she already had Simon. Ain't no way a body could ever want or need more'n one of that. Plus, that meant he was like her brother which were kinda gross if ya thought about it long enough. Though they did say women tended to go after men reminded 'em of their pa's. Riv's pa was a real hundan and Jayne would duct tape the girl to the catwalk 'fore he'd let her go courtin' someone like that. So maybe unconscious-like, Riv was basing her choices off her brother now.
Though she did call Mal Captain Daddy every once and a while. Well, she started getting those notions Jayne'd just have to help straighten her out. Men like Mal were too full a issues. Couldn't let go a the past and had a moral compass shoved up where the sun don't shine. Wouldn't suit with the girl. She needed somebody who didn't dwell on the bad stuff and didn't judge her none for using the skills God and the Academy gave her.
Jayne stepped into the spray of the shower, watching dirt swirl around the drain as it washed off his body.
Another thing bothered him about that Core-looking brat Riv was goin' off with ...he was too green. Prolly hadn't sacked more women than he could count on his left hand. Far as Jayne knew, River'd never been with nobody. Thinking otherwise didn't sit well, what with her being so young afore she left for that school and what it likely meant had she popped her cherry there. She didn't need some sèmí tuó just off to get his jollies, no care whether she enjoyed it or not. Even if he tried, kid prolly didn't know enough yet to make sure the girl got the experience she deserved. Jayne's hands clenched at the thought of somebody giving her such an experience as a wash of anger shot through him.
He let it pass, dryin' off and throwin' some clean clothes on, and started thinkin' on the other thing really torqued him 'bout that greasy-haired pisspot.
Jayne didn't know him. Who says this kid was even to be trusted? Might be trying to turn Riv in for all they knew! The image of River rolling her eyes flashed in his head. Okay, so she could read minds. Big deal! He'd been known to be able to block her a time or two. Maybe this was another Academy student that'd been messed with in the brainpan and he could do that without even trying. Or could freeze her on the spot with his mind. Wouldn't matter none if she could see his thoughts then, would it?!
Jayne nodded to hisself as he fixed some grub in the kitchen. Who knew the type a Alliance folks would be at a party Inara was like to go to?
Course it was a little unlikely the numbnuts had superpowers. But Jayne still didn't know him. More importantly, the kid didn't know River. Girl had a weird way a talking til ya got used to it. If that zhuāngbī made her feel bad or made fun of her, Jayne was gonna wallop him so hard that he'd been as ugly as a hat full of assholes.. An' what if...
....Riv walked down into the mess.
"What're you doin' here?" Jayne asked, all manner a confused.
"Davin received an emergency call from his place of employment and had to leave our date early. Was feeling crowded so had a taxi bring me home."
"He left you for work?"
He might get to wallop this kid after all.
Riv walked toward where he was sitting, spinning one of the flowers Kaylee had in a vase in the middle of the table as she passed.
"Said he would make it up to me the next time we stopped."
Jayne didn't like the sound of that.
"Why the scowly face?"
"I ain't scowlin'."
He scowled harder.
"Are so."
To prove her point, she placed her index finger between his eyebrows and ran it down the deep recess there.
Sometimes he really hated it that she was such a smartass.
"And now you are sneering at me. Why don't you want me to see Davin again?"
He looked back down at his bowl. "Ain't the kind for you. That's all."
Jayne wasn't looking so he didn't see her brow arch in a kind of amusement.
"I have a kind?"
He nodded.
When he didn't expound, Riv pushed the nearest chair out of the way and crawled up on the table, laying flat out on her belly with her legs swinging in the air behind her. Girl couldn't even sit down like a normal person.
She smiled impishly at him. "What is my kind, Jayne?"
"Someone who ain't a Core dandy, that's fer damn sure. What would you do with somebody all prissified, tryin' to tell you how to act all the time? You need somebody wouldn't go all bug-eyed the first time you fought or went a bit crazy or started spouting off gibberish. Somebody who'll fight beside ya and for ya but who ain't afraid to fight with ya when you get to bein' a brat neither."
Jayne felt right proud of hisself for givin' the advice to the girl. Save her from messin' with no good types just out to use her 'cause a how pretty she was.
But when he looked at Riv, she was smirking at him, highly amused by something he couldn't gather.
"What?"
"Jayne, you just described yourself."
"I did not."
His denial was immediate, but River simply continued to grin. Patting his arm lightly, she hopped down from the table and skipped out of the room.
He was most certainly not describin' hisself.
Jayne thought about it.
Huh.
"I'll be gorramed."
--------------------------------------
sèmí tuó = lecherous hump
zhuāngbī = pretentious bastard
Title: Two Cents
Rating: PG-13 for Jayne's unique use of wording things
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: I said something witty here the first time I tried to post this and now I can't remember it. Drat.
Summary: Jayne has a strong opinion about what type of man is right for River.
Jayne moodily pulled off his sweat-soaked shirt and threw it in his laundry pile. First, he'd had to dig for near an hour on this rock-infested hellhole to bury the goods fer the job. Then, he'd had to dig it back out when the job went south and the contacts proved unworthy a keeping up their end of the bargain. Or breathin'. And then he'd come back to the ship sweaty, tired, and ticked off to find the Girl all dolled up fer some shindig she'd been invited to with Inara in a more respectable part of this planet. By a boy.
He'd seen a capture of the twerp on account of Kaylee sticking it right in his face and sighing, "Iddn't he so shuài?"
No. He was not shuài. He looked like a Simon copy. Riv didn't need one a those 'cause, well, she already had Simon. Ain't no way a body could ever want or need more'n one of that. Plus, that meant he was like her brother which were kinda gross if ya thought about it long enough. Though they did say women tended to go after men reminded 'em of their pa's. Riv's pa was a real hundan and Jayne would duct tape the girl to the catwalk 'fore he'd let her go courtin' someone like that. So maybe unconscious-like, Riv was basing her choices off her brother now.
Though she did call Mal Captain Daddy every once and a while. Well, she started getting those notions Jayne'd just have to help straighten her out. Men like Mal were too full a issues. Couldn't let go a the past and had a moral compass shoved up where the sun don't shine. Wouldn't suit with the girl. She needed somebody who didn't dwell on the bad stuff and didn't judge her none for using the skills God and the Academy gave her.
Jayne stepped into the spray of the shower, watching dirt swirl around the drain as it washed off his body.
Another thing bothered him about that Core-looking brat Riv was goin' off with ...he was too green. Prolly hadn't sacked more women than he could count on his left hand. Far as Jayne knew, River'd never been with nobody. Thinking otherwise didn't sit well, what with her being so young afore she left for that school and what it likely meant had she popped her cherry there. She didn't need some sèmí tuó just off to get his jollies, no care whether she enjoyed it or not. Even if he tried, kid prolly didn't know enough yet to make sure the girl got the experience she deserved. Jayne's hands clenched at the thought of somebody giving her such an experience as a wash of anger shot through him.
He let it pass, dryin' off and throwin' some clean clothes on, and started thinkin' on the other thing really torqued him 'bout that greasy-haired pisspot.
Jayne didn't know him. Who says this kid was even to be trusted? Might be trying to turn Riv in for all they knew! The image of River rolling her eyes flashed in his head. Okay, so she could read minds. Big deal! He'd been known to be able to block her a time or two. Maybe this was another Academy student that'd been messed with in the brainpan and he could do that without even trying. Or could freeze her on the spot with his mind. Wouldn't matter none if she could see his thoughts then, would it?!
Jayne nodded to hisself as he fixed some grub in the kitchen. Who knew the type a Alliance folks would be at a party Inara was like to go to?
Course it was a little unlikely the numbnuts had superpowers. But Jayne still didn't know him. More importantly, the kid didn't know River. Girl had a weird way a talking til ya got used to it. If that zhuāngbī made her feel bad or made fun of her, Jayne was gonna wallop him so hard that he'd been as ugly as a hat full of assholes.. An' what if...
....Riv walked down into the mess.
"What're you doin' here?" Jayne asked, all manner a confused.
"Davin received an emergency call from his place of employment and had to leave our date early. Was feeling crowded so had a taxi bring me home."
"He left you for work?"
He might get to wallop this kid after all.
Riv walked toward where he was sitting, spinning one of the flowers Kaylee had in a vase in the middle of the table as she passed.
"Said he would make it up to me the next time we stopped."
Jayne didn't like the sound of that.
"Why the scowly face?"
"I ain't scowlin'."
He scowled harder.
"Are so."
To prove her point, she placed her index finger between his eyebrows and ran it down the deep recess there.
Sometimes he really hated it that she was such a smartass.
"And now you are sneering at me. Why don't you want me to see Davin again?"
He looked back down at his bowl. "Ain't the kind for you. That's all."
Jayne wasn't looking so he didn't see her brow arch in a kind of amusement.
"I have a kind?"
He nodded.
When he didn't expound, Riv pushed the nearest chair out of the way and crawled up on the table, laying flat out on her belly with her legs swinging in the air behind her. Girl couldn't even sit down like a normal person.
She smiled impishly at him. "What is my kind, Jayne?"
"Someone who ain't a Core dandy, that's fer damn sure. What would you do with somebody all prissified, tryin' to tell you how to act all the time? You need somebody wouldn't go all bug-eyed the first time you fought or went a bit crazy or started spouting off gibberish. Somebody who'll fight beside ya and for ya but who ain't afraid to fight with ya when you get to bein' a brat neither."
Jayne felt right proud of hisself for givin' the advice to the girl. Save her from messin' with no good types just out to use her 'cause a how pretty she was.
But when he looked at Riv, she was smirking at him, highly amused by something he couldn't gather.
"What?"
"Jayne, you just described yourself."
"I did not."
His denial was immediate, but River simply continued to grin. Patting his arm lightly, she hopped down from the table and skipped out of the room.
He was most certainly not describin' hisself.
Jayne thought about it.
Huh.
"I'll be gorramed."
--------------------------------------
sèmí tuó = lecherous hump
zhuāngbī = pretentious bastard