Because I wanted to increase the detail in the scene - a pump by the back door implies things about the house that a tap does not. Also, the "pale light" seemed to clog up the flow.
No, no, no. 'Pale' worked very well because that and 'pure' encapsulated 'light', so they both influence 'light' by association, if not grammar. You don't need lots of detail to set the scene, you've got the light, the tap water and the fact that they've just moved in - you don't need anything more than that.
I think it works better if the first stanza is in the same spare style as the rest of it. All the extra details you put in clog it up even more than 'pale light' would. Embrace the haiku. :-)
I'm with Stephanie on this one. I really liked the first version of the opening stanza, mostly because its spartan style implied the same type of images that the pump does now. Or at least did so in my head. It seems kind of...top heavy and encumbered now. I feel like there's too much in the first stanza.
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Sorry.
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I think it works better if the first stanza is in the same spare style as the rest of it. All the extra details you put in clog it up even more than 'pale light' would. Embrace the haiku. :-)
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I'm with Stephanie on this one. I really liked the first version of the opening stanza, mostly because its spartan style implied the same type of images that the pump does now. Or at least did so in my head. It seems kind of...top heavy and encumbered now. I feel like there's too much in the first stanza.
That said, I like the poem :)
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