Hold My Silence (Chapter 11)
Title: Hold My Silence
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 11/?
Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5 , Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8 , Ch 9, Ch 10
Chapter Eleven of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut
Chapter 11
"It was like I was being poisoned," Connor said suddenly.
"What?" Abby replied, startled out of her light drowse at his unexpected offering of information.
She'd been needling and wheedling and hinting to try to get him to give her just a little bit more about his background for days, but he had neatly sidestepped her attempts. She was doing her best to try to be gentle about it, but subtlety had never been her strong suit, and she was unpracticed at this sort of interrogation.
She was lying with her face pressed to his chest, his arms around her. He always made her feel incredibly safe as they relaxed by the fire, trying to sleep. She'd realized, to her complete and utter shock, that Connor holding her had become a very necessary factor to her sleeping at all. Much like how she felt about him, it had snuck up on her before she realized it had happened. She wished she offered Connor the same comfort in return, because evidently Connor wasn't having much luck sleeping tonight.
"Sorry. Were you sleeping?" he asked quietly.
"Not quite yet, no. Can't sleep?" she replied.
"No. Thinking a lot… about home. I thought maybe… I'm sorry. I'll let ya sleep," he answered, tracing small circles over her shoulder.
"No. I can't sleep either. Please… keep going. What was like being poisoned?" she replied, and she really couldn't sleep now that he had thrown out that tease of a sentence to her.
Connor cleared his throat, "Living with me mum," he clarified.
Her brows drew in, "What do you mean?"
He sighed, "I told ya she din't much like me following in Dad's footsteps, yeah?"
Abby nodded, "I remember."
"Well, it was more than that, really. She din't much like anythin' I did, when she noticed I was there at all. I was just thinking about how nice it was when I lived with you. Felt like home for the first time since me Dad died," Connor related.
"I'm sorry," Abby comforted, and she didn't know what else she could say, really.
"I know it could have been worse. I had food and shelter and she never…" he paused, as if he were afraid to say what he'd been thinking, "It was nothin' like you had to live through. Never mind. You don't need to hear-"
"Connor, don't do that. Just tell me," she cut him off, halting his backpedaling.
She reached up to brush her fingers through his hair, knowing it would soothe him and soften her words.
He brought her fingers to his lips and kissed them softly and then inhaled and exhaled deeply, "Okay."
"Mum didn't allow me to have mates over, or to go out of the house after school, but I don't know why. It's not like she ever talked to me much while I was there. She just ignored me unless she was shoutin' at me. Then she'd apologize and say she loved me… and everything was nice again for a little while. She'd smother me with attention and make me feel so loved. Never lasted though. I used to think that each time it would be the last, ya know? Like this time I could be a better son and not do stupid things and make her angry so easily," he explained.
Fury bubbled up inside of Abby, her chest aching at the pain in Connor's voice. He'd lost his father, and instead of taking care of her son, his mother had used him as an outlet for all her grief and anger at the loss. And what had Connor done? Blamed himself for making her angry. She knew all about displaced emotions... that was something she understood intimately. The thought of Connor growing up thinking he was never good enough for his mother wakened every protective instinct within her; he didn't deserve that.
"I tried so hard. I made things as easy for her as I could, and when I was old enough I got a job to help pay for the debt Dad left us, but it was never enough for her," he continued, his voice drawing tighter with each word.
A thousand times where Connor had smiled and let things slide off of him went through her mind. Never acting bothered or offended or angry or hurt by anything anyone said or did, he just let it go. She knew him well… probably better than most, and she'd learned to identify the little tells that indicated when he was truly hurt or angry, but he hid them well, and he almost never lost his temper. Now she knew how he managed it… years of practice.
It spoke volumes of his character to see that he had emerged from his childhood to grow into such a kindhearted and open man, even though he was far from unscathed by it.
He grew silent for a few long moments, and when he spoke again his voice was thick with sadness, "I don't know what happened to her. Gran said it was because I looked so much like me father. She couldn't bear it; she saw him every time she looked at me. I don't know… but I felt like I was dying a little bit every day the longer I stayed."
Connor cleared his throat again; she felt his throat move as he swallowed to try to reign in his emotions.
"She wanted me to stay. She thought Uni was a bad idea, that I would go mad with the freedom… who knows? I stopped trying to figure her out," he gave a short humorless laugh; "She said she needed me, but I just… couldn't. I felt like I would disappear into nothin' if I stayed. I send her money to help out, but I couldn't live like that any longer. I love her, I do. She's my mum after all, and she wasn't always like this," he trailed off.
"Do you still talk to her?" she asked him.
"As little as possible," he replied softly.
"I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of that. Grief does bad things to people sometimes, twists them up and turns them into something they don't want to be, not that it's an excuse," she answered.
She felt him nod in agreement.
"None of us get to pick our parents, but we can make families of our own, can't we? People that love us for who we are," Abby said softly.
Connor's arms tightened around her, "Yeah. You're right."
The following morning, Abby woke up annoyed, and stayed that way. Abby was sick to death of the Cretaceous, sick of eating what she had killed, sick of being dirty and tired and just plain scared all the time. In essence, Abby wanted to go home. She was in the foulest of foul moods and was doing her best to just stay out of Connor's way before she said something she would regret.
It had started with her waking with a crick in her neck much earlier than she wanted to get up, and then Connor was snoring and she couldn't get back to sleep. She couldn't even go for a walk or drink a glass of warm milk… or bourbon. The day had just gotten worse as it went on, and Connor was doing his 'I'm oblivious' thing and acting like she didn't hurt his feelings with her little barbs… all of which just put her further into her funk.
She wasn't paying much attention to her surroundings, her mind circling and spiraling and twisting upon itself. Stupid of her, it was her job to keep Connor in her sights, and he had disappeared from view. That was how it worked; he was not supposed to have to be distracted by constantly looking back to see if she was there. He just had to trust her to do as she agreed. She started to yell for him and hesitated. She didn't want to alert any predators to her presence. She'd have to hope she could track him.
Abby began to get a little panicked; she traced his steps for a short distance, but then the terrain changed and she lost him. She got a firmer grip on her spear and tried to think of what to do. They had always agreed to meet back at the cave if they got separated, but Abby had been so intent on tracking Connor that she wasn't entirely sure that she knew how to get back now.
What if he needed her? What if he was hurt? She knew he would be able to get back; after all, he'd been leading. As long as a map wasn't involved, he had a pretty good sense of direction. She should have just called out his name as soon as she realized she'd lost him, now it was too late. She cursed, trying to push away the urge to feel sorry for herself. She'd not give up so easily, she knew Connor certainly wouldn't.
Abby began to retrace her steps, faltering occasionally, but she managed to make definite progress. She recognized the landscape, and she saw distinct evidence of her own passing. She made a mental note to tell Connor that they needed to try to leave as clear a trail as possible while they were out exploring or hunting. If someone were to come through an anomaly looking for them, evidence of their passing would be proof of their presence.
She had been walking for what seemed like hours, but she'd finally found the river that fed the lake near their cave. All she needed to do now was to follow it and keep her wits about her; the river drew in all sorts of wild creatures as the sole water source in the area. If she wasn't careful, she'd end up as a tasty snack.
She concentrated on finding her way back, and deliberately avoided all thoughts of where Connor could be or what he might be doing. She wondered how long it had taken him to notice she was no longer trailing him. She'd never hear the end of this one. She just hoped he was alright; she'd never be able to forgive herself if he wasn't.
Abby heaved a sigh of relief as she spotted the cave where they'd made their little home. Unfortunately a family of small but vicious raptors stood in between her and her goal, and it meant she'd have to circle around. Just great. More delays. Connor was likely frantic by now if he was half as worried about her as she was about him.
Worn and exhausted, Abby trudged up the narrow path leading to their cave, fully expecting so see Connor there waiting for her.
"Connor? I'm back," she called out.
Silence answered her. Shit. Where was Connor? Oh, hell. He'd probably completely disregarded their agreement that they would just meet back here and had gone looking for her. Damn it. Either that or he couldn't get back to her. Abby swallowed hard. If she lost Connor now… no. No. He was okay, he was just looking for her. Idiot. She'd choke the life out of him for it.
She scanned the inside of the cave, searching for any sign of him. Their fishing gaffs were stood up to form a "v" against the wall, and the dirt floor was disturbed; the gaffs hadn't been like that when they left that afternoon. Connor had come back at some point, and then left again. She moved closer; it looked like he'd written something in the dirt. He had, it said, "Stay here, I've gone to find you."
If he had just waited for her! But no, Connor had to go and…and be Connor. He'd rushed out to look for her without a moment's thought to his own safety. That idiot! It would be dark soon; she hoped he was on his way back to her. She cried out in frustration. She was tempted to go out looking for him again, but knowing her luck, they'd get crossed again and they would end up playing tag all evening. He had better be okay, or she would kill him.
She waited on the ledge outside of the cave as her mind created ever more horrible things that could be happening to Connor at that moment. She saw him broken and bloody at the base of a cliff, then shredded by the family of deinonychus that still refused to vacate the area near the waterfall, then drowned in the river, and on and on until she could hardly stand to be inside her own mind. Less so than usual.
She would find him. The hell with his 'stay heres,' if he refused to follow his own safety rules, the she'd not have to abide by them either. She would stay nearby, but she had to do something other than just wait helplessly. The sun was setting; she needed to make the most of the light remaining. Her stomach churned and twisted, but she felt better now that she had finally decided on a course of action.
She was halfway down the path to the cave when she spotted a familiar figure limping slowly towards her. Her heart stuttered and clenched hard enough to hurt, then began to beat wildly at the sight of him. Connor! She ran, stumbling and sliding on the steep path, anxious to get to his side again. He'd heard her coming and was staring at her in obvious relief and shock. He must have thought something had happened to her.
Exhaustion was plan to see on his dirty face, and he'd ripped the knee out of his jeans at some point that evening. He took another limping step towards her as a smile displaced the look of shock he'd been wearing.
"Abby. Thank god. I thought I'd lost you," he exclaimed, reaching for her, his voice breaking.
The night's emotions welled up inside Abby, overwhelming her. It was too much, and she'd been too scared, and oh god, she loved him too much…
She pounded on his chest with her fists, "You bloody idiot! I thought you'd been killed! If you had died-" she raged.
"Abby, stop it. I'm fine," he said as he captured her smaller hands in his.
She felt the familiar burning sensation behind her eyes that precluded tears and blinked furiously to clear them. Connor enfolded her into a hug and she lost her small measure of control altogether. Sobbing, she held him tight to her as he pressed kisses to her hair and spoke soothing words to her. She closed her eyes and let him hold her. Connor was safe.
She put her arm around his waist and walked alongside him up to their cave, helping to support his weight. She eased him down to sit by the fire and cleared her throat, embarrassed at her emotional outburst. She hopped up and gathered some of the remnants of their meal from last night for them to eat along with some fresh greens she had collected from near the cave while she waited for Connor. She even had a few of the rare but delicious fruits they had been saving as a treat. If any time was good for them, it was now.
She set the food in front of Connor and busied herself with pouring water in the rock Connor had chipped a bowl-like depression into, so that Connor could at least wipe off his face and hands. After that, she would see how bad the laceration on his knee was. He watched her as she flitted around the small cave, his dark eyes intense. She didn't want to tell him that this was all her fault. And it was. Of course, he had his own stupidity to answer for now, but that didn't change facts.
"Abby. Sit down and eat with me, please," he asked.
"Yeah, I was just-" she paused, changing her words, "just about to do that."
Connor rinsed off his hands and face and then began eating. They sat in uncomfortable silence while they ate, but she would rather have the silence than words. She wanted to put off talking about it for as long as she could; she was still feeling unbalanced from swinging back and forth from one emotional extreme to another. She was just glad he was back safe.
"What happened?" he asked her as he finished his last bite.
"I… I lost sight of you. By the time I noticed, it was too late. I'm sorry Connor," she explained, haltingly.
"I thought you'd been attacked," he looked down as his hands, his jaw clenched and unclenched rhythmically, "I thought…" he sighed and just shook his head.
"It was my fault," she admitted.
Connor glanced up at her, "Abby-"
Anger bubbled up inside of her again. It might have been her fault they'd gotten separated, but at least she had done what she was supposed to afterwards.
"But why the hell did you not stay here at the cave when you made it back? It was what we both agreed. Are you daft?" she blasted.
He flinched, and seemed to shrink within himself. Realization hit her like a freight train. Oh. Oh, no. She had been horrified at how his mum treated him, and all she was doing was reinforcing his belief that all those condemning words he'd heard from her were true. She reached out for him and took his face in her hands, forcing his eyes to meet hers.
"Connor, I'm sorry. You just scared me. I don't mean that, okay. I really didn't," she entreated.
"It's alright. I shouldn't have gone after you. I should have known you din't need me, eh?" he smiled as he took her hands again, but there was no mistaking the hurt that lingered there.
"Of course I need you, or I wouldn't want to belt you one for scaring me half to death," she argued, the words flying out of her mouth before she could stop them.
His smile warmed, became more genuine, "Truly?"
"That I want to belt you one for making me go through hell? I imagined you dead in about sixty different ways. Yeah, it's true," she answered with a smirk.
He looked down, embarrassed, but a small pleased smile was on his lips, "I am sorry about that. But, I meant the other part."
It was Abby's turn to be embarrassed. Still, she owed him this, and she had said that she would tell him what she was thinking, and that meant even when she'd rather not.
"That I need you?" she asked softly.
He nodded, his deep brown eyes locked on hers.
"Yes. More than anything," Abby answered.
The corner of Connor's mouth lifted in a half smile as he leaned in to kiss her. She pulled him closer to her and returned it, and sighed as the kiss broke. She had other things to tend to, but she had already decided that she wanted a lot more of that tonight. First things first, though.
"Let me look at your knee. I think you need to take your jeans off," she ordered.
Connor obliged her, stripping out of his jacket and red hoodie as well. They were both covered in dust and mud. They'd need to be rinsed out in the river in the morning. She wet a corner of his hoodie and carefully cleaned out the abrasion. It wasn't too bad, but it looked as if it had bled quite a bit.
"How did this happen?" she asked as she cleaned off the caked blood as gently as she could.
"Slipped and fell in a crevice, wasn't looking down," he answered, wincing slightly, "took longer than I thought it would to get back out. I only intended to make a small circuit to look for you, and to keep checking back at the cave in between. Didn't quite work. It was so late when I got out I had to come back here. I was so angry at m'self. I just kept thinking that you might need me and I was stuck in the crevasse like a knob. As usual," he lamented.
She kissed his knee, then slid up closer to him to sit in between his outstretched legs, "Thank you for trying to rescue me, even though you are to never do that again."
He nodded slowly, "Of course I will."
He slanted his mouth over hers again before she had a chance to protest, "That's cheating," she said as soon as they broke for air, but he just smiled and kissed her again.
TBC
A/N: I really do hope that you liked this… and I really hope that you'll tell me if you did (or didn't). And thank you for reading/reviewing! Please feed poor muse?
There was a bit of subtext in here with his mother and Abby, but I didn't want to beat people about the head with it. Suffice to say that it will probably come up again… until Connor confronts it, it won't go away.
Author: casy_dee
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Connor/Abby
Spoiler: Series 3
Warning: Angst
Genre: Romance, Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Abby has secrets in her past, but is it right to keep them there? Can Connor accept it? Set in the Cretaceous...
Part: 11/?
Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5 , Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8 , Ch 9, Ch 10
Chapter Eleven of Hold My Silence is Behind The Cut
Chapter 11
"It was like I was being poisoned," Connor said suddenly.
"What?" Abby replied, startled out of her light drowse at his unexpected offering of information.
She'd been needling and wheedling and hinting to try to get him to give her just a little bit more about his background for days, but he had neatly sidestepped her attempts. She was doing her best to try to be gentle about it, but subtlety had never been her strong suit, and she was unpracticed at this sort of interrogation.
She was lying with her face pressed to his chest, his arms around her. He always made her feel incredibly safe as they relaxed by the fire, trying to sleep. She'd realized, to her complete and utter shock, that Connor holding her had become a very necessary factor to her sleeping at all. Much like how she felt about him, it had snuck up on her before she realized it had happened. She wished she offered Connor the same comfort in return, because evidently Connor wasn't having much luck sleeping tonight.
"Sorry. Were you sleeping?" he asked quietly.
"Not quite yet, no. Can't sleep?" she replied.
"No. Thinking a lot… about home. I thought maybe… I'm sorry. I'll let ya sleep," he answered, tracing small circles over her shoulder.
"No. I can't sleep either. Please… keep going. What was like being poisoned?" she replied, and she really couldn't sleep now that he had thrown out that tease of a sentence to her.
Connor cleared his throat, "Living with me mum," he clarified.
Her brows drew in, "What do you mean?"
He sighed, "I told ya she din't much like me following in Dad's footsteps, yeah?"
Abby nodded, "I remember."
"Well, it was more than that, really. She din't much like anythin' I did, when she noticed I was there at all. I was just thinking about how nice it was when I lived with you. Felt like home for the first time since me Dad died," Connor related.
"I'm sorry," Abby comforted, and she didn't know what else she could say, really.
"I know it could have been worse. I had food and shelter and she never…" he paused, as if he were afraid to say what he'd been thinking, "It was nothin' like you had to live through. Never mind. You don't need to hear-"
"Connor, don't do that. Just tell me," she cut him off, halting his backpedaling.
She reached up to brush her fingers through his hair, knowing it would soothe him and soften her words.
He brought her fingers to his lips and kissed them softly and then inhaled and exhaled deeply, "Okay."
"Mum didn't allow me to have mates over, or to go out of the house after school, but I don't know why. It's not like she ever talked to me much while I was there. She just ignored me unless she was shoutin' at me. Then she'd apologize and say she loved me… and everything was nice again for a little while. She'd smother me with attention and make me feel so loved. Never lasted though. I used to think that each time it would be the last, ya know? Like this time I could be a better son and not do stupid things and make her angry so easily," he explained.
Fury bubbled up inside of Abby, her chest aching at the pain in Connor's voice. He'd lost his father, and instead of taking care of her son, his mother had used him as an outlet for all her grief and anger at the loss. And what had Connor done? Blamed himself for making her angry. She knew all about displaced emotions... that was something she understood intimately. The thought of Connor growing up thinking he was never good enough for his mother wakened every protective instinct within her; he didn't deserve that.
"I tried so hard. I made things as easy for her as I could, and when I was old enough I got a job to help pay for the debt Dad left us, but it was never enough for her," he continued, his voice drawing tighter with each word.
A thousand times where Connor had smiled and let things slide off of him went through her mind. Never acting bothered or offended or angry or hurt by anything anyone said or did, he just let it go. She knew him well… probably better than most, and she'd learned to identify the little tells that indicated when he was truly hurt or angry, but he hid them well, and he almost never lost his temper. Now she knew how he managed it… years of practice.
It spoke volumes of his character to see that he had emerged from his childhood to grow into such a kindhearted and open man, even though he was far from unscathed by it.
He grew silent for a few long moments, and when he spoke again his voice was thick with sadness, "I don't know what happened to her. Gran said it was because I looked so much like me father. She couldn't bear it; she saw him every time she looked at me. I don't know… but I felt like I was dying a little bit every day the longer I stayed."
Connor cleared his throat again; she felt his throat move as he swallowed to try to reign in his emotions.
"She wanted me to stay. She thought Uni was a bad idea, that I would go mad with the freedom… who knows? I stopped trying to figure her out," he gave a short humorless laugh; "She said she needed me, but I just… couldn't. I felt like I would disappear into nothin' if I stayed. I send her money to help out, but I couldn't live like that any longer. I love her, I do. She's my mum after all, and she wasn't always like this," he trailed off.
"Do you still talk to her?" she asked him.
"As little as possible," he replied softly.
"I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of that. Grief does bad things to people sometimes, twists them up and turns them into something they don't want to be, not that it's an excuse," she answered.
She felt him nod in agreement.
"None of us get to pick our parents, but we can make families of our own, can't we? People that love us for who we are," Abby said softly.
Connor's arms tightened around her, "Yeah. You're right."
The following morning, Abby woke up annoyed, and stayed that way. Abby was sick to death of the Cretaceous, sick of eating what she had killed, sick of being dirty and tired and just plain scared all the time. In essence, Abby wanted to go home. She was in the foulest of foul moods and was doing her best to just stay out of Connor's way before she said something she would regret.
It had started with her waking with a crick in her neck much earlier than she wanted to get up, and then Connor was snoring and she couldn't get back to sleep. She couldn't even go for a walk or drink a glass of warm milk… or bourbon. The day had just gotten worse as it went on, and Connor was doing his 'I'm oblivious' thing and acting like she didn't hurt his feelings with her little barbs… all of which just put her further into her funk.
She wasn't paying much attention to her surroundings, her mind circling and spiraling and twisting upon itself. Stupid of her, it was her job to keep Connor in her sights, and he had disappeared from view. That was how it worked; he was not supposed to have to be distracted by constantly looking back to see if she was there. He just had to trust her to do as she agreed. She started to yell for him and hesitated. She didn't want to alert any predators to her presence. She'd have to hope she could track him.
Abby began to get a little panicked; she traced his steps for a short distance, but then the terrain changed and she lost him. She got a firmer grip on her spear and tried to think of what to do. They had always agreed to meet back at the cave if they got separated, but Abby had been so intent on tracking Connor that she wasn't entirely sure that she knew how to get back now.
What if he needed her? What if he was hurt? She knew he would be able to get back; after all, he'd been leading. As long as a map wasn't involved, he had a pretty good sense of direction. She should have just called out his name as soon as she realized she'd lost him, now it was too late. She cursed, trying to push away the urge to feel sorry for herself. She'd not give up so easily, she knew Connor certainly wouldn't.
Abby began to retrace her steps, faltering occasionally, but she managed to make definite progress. She recognized the landscape, and she saw distinct evidence of her own passing. She made a mental note to tell Connor that they needed to try to leave as clear a trail as possible while they were out exploring or hunting. If someone were to come through an anomaly looking for them, evidence of their passing would be proof of their presence.
She had been walking for what seemed like hours, but she'd finally found the river that fed the lake near their cave. All she needed to do now was to follow it and keep her wits about her; the river drew in all sorts of wild creatures as the sole water source in the area. If she wasn't careful, she'd end up as a tasty snack.
She concentrated on finding her way back, and deliberately avoided all thoughts of where Connor could be or what he might be doing. She wondered how long it had taken him to notice she was no longer trailing him. She'd never hear the end of this one. She just hoped he was alright; she'd never be able to forgive herself if he wasn't.
Abby heaved a sigh of relief as she spotted the cave where they'd made their little home. Unfortunately a family of small but vicious raptors stood in between her and her goal, and it meant she'd have to circle around. Just great. More delays. Connor was likely frantic by now if he was half as worried about her as she was about him.
Worn and exhausted, Abby trudged up the narrow path leading to their cave, fully expecting so see Connor there waiting for her.
"Connor? I'm back," she called out.
Silence answered her. Shit. Where was Connor? Oh, hell. He'd probably completely disregarded their agreement that they would just meet back here and had gone looking for her. Damn it. Either that or he couldn't get back to her. Abby swallowed hard. If she lost Connor now… no. No. He was okay, he was just looking for her. Idiot. She'd choke the life out of him for it.
She scanned the inside of the cave, searching for any sign of him. Their fishing gaffs were stood up to form a "v" against the wall, and the dirt floor was disturbed; the gaffs hadn't been like that when they left that afternoon. Connor had come back at some point, and then left again. She moved closer; it looked like he'd written something in the dirt. He had, it said, "Stay here, I've gone to find you."
If he had just waited for her! But no, Connor had to go and…and be Connor. He'd rushed out to look for her without a moment's thought to his own safety. That idiot! It would be dark soon; she hoped he was on his way back to her. She cried out in frustration. She was tempted to go out looking for him again, but knowing her luck, they'd get crossed again and they would end up playing tag all evening. He had better be okay, or she would kill him.
She waited on the ledge outside of the cave as her mind created ever more horrible things that could be happening to Connor at that moment. She saw him broken and bloody at the base of a cliff, then shredded by the family of deinonychus that still refused to vacate the area near the waterfall, then drowned in the river, and on and on until she could hardly stand to be inside her own mind. Less so than usual.
She would find him. The hell with his 'stay heres,' if he refused to follow his own safety rules, the she'd not have to abide by them either. She would stay nearby, but she had to do something other than just wait helplessly. The sun was setting; she needed to make the most of the light remaining. Her stomach churned and twisted, but she felt better now that she had finally decided on a course of action.
She was halfway down the path to the cave when she spotted a familiar figure limping slowly towards her. Her heart stuttered and clenched hard enough to hurt, then began to beat wildly at the sight of him. Connor! She ran, stumbling and sliding on the steep path, anxious to get to his side again. He'd heard her coming and was staring at her in obvious relief and shock. He must have thought something had happened to her.
Exhaustion was plan to see on his dirty face, and he'd ripped the knee out of his jeans at some point that evening. He took another limping step towards her as a smile displaced the look of shock he'd been wearing.
"Abby. Thank god. I thought I'd lost you," he exclaimed, reaching for her, his voice breaking.
The night's emotions welled up inside Abby, overwhelming her. It was too much, and she'd been too scared, and oh god, she loved him too much…
She pounded on his chest with her fists, "You bloody idiot! I thought you'd been killed! If you had died-" she raged.
"Abby, stop it. I'm fine," he said as he captured her smaller hands in his.
She felt the familiar burning sensation behind her eyes that precluded tears and blinked furiously to clear them. Connor enfolded her into a hug and she lost her small measure of control altogether. Sobbing, she held him tight to her as he pressed kisses to her hair and spoke soothing words to her. She closed her eyes and let him hold her. Connor was safe.
She put her arm around his waist and walked alongside him up to their cave, helping to support his weight. She eased him down to sit by the fire and cleared her throat, embarrassed at her emotional outburst. She hopped up and gathered some of the remnants of their meal from last night for them to eat along with some fresh greens she had collected from near the cave while she waited for Connor. She even had a few of the rare but delicious fruits they had been saving as a treat. If any time was good for them, it was now.
She set the food in front of Connor and busied herself with pouring water in the rock Connor had chipped a bowl-like depression into, so that Connor could at least wipe off his face and hands. After that, she would see how bad the laceration on his knee was. He watched her as she flitted around the small cave, his dark eyes intense. She didn't want to tell him that this was all her fault. And it was. Of course, he had his own stupidity to answer for now, but that didn't change facts.
"Abby. Sit down and eat with me, please," he asked.
"Yeah, I was just-" she paused, changing her words, "just about to do that."
Connor rinsed off his hands and face and then began eating. They sat in uncomfortable silence while they ate, but she would rather have the silence than words. She wanted to put off talking about it for as long as she could; she was still feeling unbalanced from swinging back and forth from one emotional extreme to another. She was just glad he was back safe.
"What happened?" he asked her as he finished his last bite.
"I… I lost sight of you. By the time I noticed, it was too late. I'm sorry Connor," she explained, haltingly.
"I thought you'd been attacked," he looked down as his hands, his jaw clenched and unclenched rhythmically, "I thought…" he sighed and just shook his head.
"It was my fault," she admitted.
Connor glanced up at her, "Abby-"
Anger bubbled up inside of her again. It might have been her fault they'd gotten separated, but at least she had done what she was supposed to afterwards.
"But why the hell did you not stay here at the cave when you made it back? It was what we both agreed. Are you daft?" she blasted.
He flinched, and seemed to shrink within himself. Realization hit her like a freight train. Oh. Oh, no. She had been horrified at how his mum treated him, and all she was doing was reinforcing his belief that all those condemning words he'd heard from her were true. She reached out for him and took his face in her hands, forcing his eyes to meet hers.
"Connor, I'm sorry. You just scared me. I don't mean that, okay. I really didn't," she entreated.
"It's alright. I shouldn't have gone after you. I should have known you din't need me, eh?" he smiled as he took her hands again, but there was no mistaking the hurt that lingered there.
"Of course I need you, or I wouldn't want to belt you one for scaring me half to death," she argued, the words flying out of her mouth before she could stop them.
His smile warmed, became more genuine, "Truly?"
"That I want to belt you one for making me go through hell? I imagined you dead in about sixty different ways. Yeah, it's true," she answered with a smirk.
He looked down, embarrassed, but a small pleased smile was on his lips, "I am sorry about that. But, I meant the other part."
It was Abby's turn to be embarrassed. Still, she owed him this, and she had said that she would tell him what she was thinking, and that meant even when she'd rather not.
"That I need you?" she asked softly.
He nodded, his deep brown eyes locked on hers.
"Yes. More than anything," Abby answered.
The corner of Connor's mouth lifted in a half smile as he leaned in to kiss her. She pulled him closer to her and returned it, and sighed as the kiss broke. She had other things to tend to, but she had already decided that she wanted a lot more of that tonight. First things first, though.
"Let me look at your knee. I think you need to take your jeans off," she ordered.
Connor obliged her, stripping out of his jacket and red hoodie as well. They were both covered in dust and mud. They'd need to be rinsed out in the river in the morning. She wet a corner of his hoodie and carefully cleaned out the abrasion. It wasn't too bad, but it looked as if it had bled quite a bit.
"How did this happen?" she asked as she cleaned off the caked blood as gently as she could.
"Slipped and fell in a crevice, wasn't looking down," he answered, wincing slightly, "took longer than I thought it would to get back out. I only intended to make a small circuit to look for you, and to keep checking back at the cave in between. Didn't quite work. It was so late when I got out I had to come back here. I was so angry at m'self. I just kept thinking that you might need me and I was stuck in the crevasse like a knob. As usual," he lamented.
She kissed his knee, then slid up closer to him to sit in between his outstretched legs, "Thank you for trying to rescue me, even though you are to never do that again."
He nodded slowly, "Of course I will."
He slanted his mouth over hers again before she had a chance to protest, "That's cheating," she said as soon as they broke for air, but he just smiled and kissed her again.
TBC
A/N: I really do hope that you liked this… and I really hope that you'll tell me if you did (or didn't). And thank you for reading/reviewing! Please feed poor muse?
There was a bit of subtext in here with his mother and Abby, but I didn't want to beat people about the head with it. Suffice to say that it will probably come up again… until Connor confronts it, it won't go away.