Fic: Fools Fall In Love 2/3 (Xena, Ares/Joxer, NC17)
Title: Fools Fall In Love
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Ares/Joxer
Rating: NC17
Summary: Part of the Stupid Cupid universe. How Ares and Joxer met and fell in love.
“Kids hear things, you know? And I’m sure there’s been plenty of talk about the divorce since I moved out. Dite - that’s my ex - was really hurt. I mean I hurt her in the worst way possible, so I guess in a way it’s understandable.”
“Ares, people cheat. It happens.”
Ares frowned across the table. “How did you know…?”
“’Worst way possible’. I’ve been there, it’s pretty much a given.” Joxer sighed and set his cup down, leaning forward to fold his hands in front of him. “We all make mistakes, right? Divorce is hardest on kids, but I bet your son knows you love him. The fact that he called you means he’s trying to deal with whatever the problem is. He’ll tell you when he’s ready.”
“The last time he came to visit he said he wanted to live with me.” Ares was staring at his coffee as though it held the secrets of the universe, watching the surface ripple slightly as heat from the vent above their table floated down to them. “That made me feel really good, you know? But then he said he didn’t want to go back to his school because the kids all make fun of him. He didn’t say, but I could tell it was about me.”
He looked down when he felt a hand cover his, frowning at Joxer’s fingers as though it was the first time anyone had ever touched him. “It’s not your fault, you know.”
Ares looked up, his frown deepening when he realized he didn’t have to tell Joxer anything. He’d never understood how some people just knew without even asking, but it was obvious Joxer did. Sometimes Ares thought he could tell when someone was interested in him, but he was never positive. Looking back at Joxer he could tell that the other man knew beyond the shadow of a doubt exactly why the kids at Cupid’s school were making fun of him, and he felt his heart lurch into his throat. “I…how did you…?”
Joxer’s hand left his, leaving Ares’ skin feeling cold despite the heat pouring down on them through the vent. The smaller man shrugged and picked up his coffee again, watching Ares over the edge of the cup while he drank. “Sometimes you can just tell,” he said when he set his coffee down again. “Not that it’s obvious or anything, it’s just the way you were talking. I’ve been through it, it’s not that hard to recognize the signs. You being gay seemed like the most plausible scenario. I mean you could have surprised me by saying your wife caught you having an affair with a nun or something.”
A surprised laugh escaped Ares’ throat, the first one in days. By the time he recovered his was shaking helplessly, his head shaking back and forth as he wiped at his eyes. “A nun?”
“What can I say, I work for a Catholic school.”
“I could have said I was sleeping with the babysitter.”
“Is that still considered scandalous? Not enough for kids to make fun of your son over it, anyway.”
“Point taken.” Ares searched his mind for anything scandalous enough to make Cupid’s life miserable, but most of the scenarios he came up with were too horrifying to say out loud even in jest. He knew exactly how scandalized his old friends were when they found out he was gay, mostly because none of them would even look at him anymore if they happened to run into him. Those that did looked embarrassed or sometimes ashamed, but they at least mumbled a ‘hello’ before they went back to trying to ignore the fact that he’d ever existed. He hadn’t realized until that moment how lonely the last two years had been, and he found himself wondering why he hadn’t tried harder to make some new friends in the city.
“So I guess Cupid moving in with you is pretty much out of the question?”
The question surprised Ares out of his reverie, but he managed not to drop his coffee at the sound of Joxer’s voice. “Dite would never go for it,” Ares answered. “Getting him for a weekend here and there is still a major production, and I have to put up with the lecture on keeping him away from any strange men every time I pick him up. Besides, I’m not sure it would solve anything. He’s barely speaking to me, and I keep coming up with these nightmare scenarios of what’s bothering him.”
Joxer smiled sympathetically as he watched Ares shudder. “If it was something truly horrible he wouldn’t have called you at all. He probably wouldn’t want to talk to anyone. Give him time, he’ll come around.”
“Are you sure you’re not a shrink in your spare time?”
“Thanks, I think, but I get all this stuff from the teacher in-house seminars they make us go to every few months. When your kids get a day off school to annoy you and stir up trouble it’s because their teachers are busy learning how to spot the signs of things like drug addiction and sexual abuse.”
“And here I thought you people just taught reading and writing.”
A wry grin tugged at the corners of Joxer’s mouth as he held Ares’ gaze. “Just trust me when I say that Cupid’s a lucky kid. He’s got two parents that care about him, he’s doing better than most kids these days. He’ll realize that eventually.”
He hadn't been expecting to feel better just from talking about his problems with Cupid, but strangely enough he did. In fact talking to Joxer was so easy that he'd already told him things he'd never said to anyone else. It was the first time since his divorce that he'd really confided in anyone about how he felt, about Cupid or Dite or any of the other weird things going on in his life. The fact that Joxer had guessed his big secret wasn't even so bad, and he'd even said that he'd been through the same thing himself. Ares did his best to ignore the shiver of anticipation that rolled through him at that thought and reached for his wallet.
"I've got it, I asked you."
"Joxer, it's the least I can do. You listened to me complain about my kid and my ex-wife for…" He trailed off and glanced at his watch, raising his eyebrows when he realized how long they'd been sitting there. "…Almost an hour."
"I wanted to," Joxer said. "Besides, it's just a couple cups of coffee."
Ares shrugged and tucked his wallet back into his pocket while he tried to remember how to make his voice work. He wasn't at all sure he should be doing what he was about to do, but he liked spending time with Joxer and he was really easy to talk to. They could at least be friends, Ares told himself. He could use a friend that didn't have allegiances to Dite, and it would be nice to be around someone for once without having to worry about where it was going. "Okay, okay, I give. On the condition that you let me buy you dinner. To thank you," he added quickly.
"For what?"
A hot blush crept into Ares' cheeks as he tried to come up with an answer that wouldn't make him look any more pathetic than he already did. He wasn't about to admit the truth, which would have entailed saying something along the lines of 'for being nice to me' or 'because I haven't got anyone else to tell this stuff to'. Finally his brain latched onto a memory and in the heat of the moment he decided that it sounded good enough to say out loud. "For pointing me in the right direction the first time we met. I never did get a chance to thank you for that."
Joxer looked like he wanted to laugh, or maybe say something that would embarrass Ares even more. Instead he dug his own wallet out and dropped a few bills on the table before he looked over at Ares again. "How's Friday night?"
"Perfect," Ares answered. He held Joxer's gaze a few seconds longer than he needed to before he forced himself to look away, standing up and reaching for his jacket before he glanced over at the other man again. When he realized he was going to have to say goodnight to Joxer he suddenly felt awkward, and part of him was tempted to fall back on the charm he used in the clubs. He wondered what Joxer would say if Ares invited him back to his place; it was tempting, but the thought that Joxer might turn him down stopped him before the question formed on his lips. They weren't dating, they weren't even friends yet. Maybe they were headed in that direction, but if Ares tried to seduce him now that would all be over in the morning. It surprised him how much the idea of losing even his tentative friendship with Joxer bothered him, and he pushed the attraction he felt for the other man as far back in his consciousness as it would go.
When they reached the sidewalk Ares found himself shifting his weight awkwardly, feeling like a nervous teenager about to try for his first kiss. Only he wasn't kissing Joxer goodnight, but the second the idea occurred to him all he could think about was the mouth that was less than two feet away from his.
"Which direction are you…?"
"What? Oh," Ares muttered, glad for the darkness covering his inevitable blush at being caught daydreaming about kissing his new friend. "I live above the dojo. There's a loft up there, I used to rent it out until…well, you know that story already."
Joxer smiled sympathetically and nodded in the opposite direction. "My place is in the village, I catch the subway right over there. So I guess I'll see you on Friday."
"Right, Friday. Do you want to meet somewhere or…?" Ares rolled his eyes at himself as he listened to himself babble. It had been years since he'd gone on an actual date with someone, but this wasn't a date. This was just two friends meeting for dinner, and he was the one that had asked so he should be the one doing the arranging. "Or I can come to you," he added.
"I can just come by after school," Joxer suggested. "I'm already over here anyway, no sense both of us going all the way over to the village."
"Sure, sounds good," Ares said. He could feel his grin spreading but he was powerless to control it, and suddenly all he wanted to do was get away from Joxer before he scared him away forever. "So I'll see you Friday."
"Goodnight, Ares." Joxer wasn't moving, and Ares realized that he was just standing in the middle of the sidewalk staring at the smaller man. He shook his head and forced himself to take a step backwards, then he stopped again.
"Goodnight," he said before he turned on his heel and walked as quickly as he could in the direction of his apartment.
Ares didn't see Joxer at school on Thursday. It wasn't for lack of looking; in fact he got to the school earlier than usual, and he took his time making his way toward the gym to set up for his class. There was no sign of Joxer in the hallways, though, and he couldn't bring himself to actually walk into the teachers' lounge. He couldn't think of a decent excuse, anyway, not when he hadn't been in there since his first day. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to see Joxer before their…no, it wasn't a date, and he wasn't going to let himself think of it as one. It was hard not to wonder how Joxer was thinking of it, though, if he was even thinking about it at all.
By the time Friday afternoon rolled around he'd worked himself into a near panic, and when Joxer finally walked into the dojo he was almost relieved just to have the suspense over with. All it took was one look at Joxer and Ares knew exactly what he'd been thinking about their dinner plans. This was a date - there was no way around it, because he'd seen Joxer dressed for school before and this didn't even come close. He was wearing a pair of black slacks and boots that probably earned him a few raised eyebrows at school if he'd actually worn them all day. Instead of his usual tweed jacket and white work shirt he was wearing a maroon button-down dress shirt that Ares was almost sure was silk.
"Hi," was the only syllable he managed to get out around the lump in his throat, but it must have been enough because Joxer's whole face lit up in that smile that Ares was really starting to look forward to.
"Hi. Am I early? If you've got another class or something I've got some papers I can grade."
"You assign papers to your music students?"
Joxer's laughter filled the silence of the empty studio and did things to Ares' stomach that he was not going to think about. "There's more to music than just learning to play the flute. I teach music theory and music history as well."
"You know I think I remember something like that back in high school, now that you mention it," Ares said. "But I spent most of my time in the chorus room."
"You sing?"
"I've been known to." Ares smiled at the glimmer of interest in Joxer's eyes and reached for his keys. "Come on upstairs while I change. It's a little more comfortable than hanging around down here."
By 'a little' Ares meant exactly that, but he hadn't really thought about quite how uninviting his loft was until he looked at it through Joxer's eyes. The second-hand sofa he'd had since he opened the dojo sagged noticeably at one end from all the time Cupid had spent jumping on it in an effort to fly when he was little. The kitchen jutted sharply into the living area, and the fridge had been painted at least three different colors over the years. The original avocado was beginning to show through the chipped layers, and he remembered for the first time since he'd put it in that he'd gotten it out of his parents' garage when they moved to Florida.
The TV was small, and the only reason he even had cable was for Cupid's benefit. Not that Cupid was around to watch it much, but Ares liked having C-Span for company during dinner. Which was a depressing thought all on its own, and he let out a small sigh as he dropped his keys on the table next to the door and stood aside to let Joxer in. "I guess I still haven't really moved in."
"It's nice. Big," Joxer said as he stepped into the loft and looked around. It was obvious he was working hard at not saying what he was thinking, which made Ares feel even worse for not getting a handle on his life by now. It had been two years, he shouldn't still be treating the apartment above the dojo like it was a hotel room.
"I'll be right out," he said. "Make yourself comfortable. There's beer in the fridge, there might be some Coke too from the last time Cupid was here."
He took a few steps backwards and succeeded in catching his thigh on the corner of the table next to the door, rolling his eyes at himself as he turned and headed toward the bedroom. It was stupid to worry about what Joxer thought of his apartment, he knew that. Mostly he thought of it as a place to sleep anyway, it wasn't as though he spent a lot of time hanging around up there by himself. Because you're too busy hanging around downstairs by yourself, a voice in the back of his head reminded him. He scowled and rummaged around in the pile of laundry at the foot of the bed until he found a clean towel and headed for the bathroom.
After a quick shower and a momentary panic when he realized he was going to have to pick out date clothes he finally settled on a pair of black jeans and a black button-down. He rolled the sleeves up a little just so he wouldn't look too dressed up, but he still felt a little bit like he was trying too hard to impress Joxer. His black leather pants would probably be too much for dinner with a friend, even if it was kind of a date. It wasn't a real date, but maybe if he thought of it as a practice date it would be easier to relax and hold a conversation.
When he reappeared in the living room Joxer was standing by the window, holding one of the few framed pictures Ares kept around the house. "He looks like you," Joxer said without looking up.
Ares crossed the room to stop next to him, frowning down at the picture of him with his arm around a much younger Cupid. "I always thought he took after Dite. That's what everyone else says."
"Well I assume he gets the blond from her," Joxer said, finally looking up to smile at Ares. "But he's got your build, you can tell he's going to be all muscle when he's older. He's got your eyes, too."
"Yeah?" Ares took the picture out of Joxer's hand and peered down at it, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he saw what Joxer was talking about. "I guess he does."
When he looked up again Joxer was watching him, his body turned toward Ares so that their shoulders were almost touching. It felt so natural to lean forward that for a split second he forgot that he didn't have the right to just lean down and kiss the other man, he forgot everything except the butterflies in his stomach and the expectant way Joxer was staring up at him. He wasn't sure whether he'd actually moved or if he'd just thought about leaning in to kiss Joxer, but before he made contact the picture frame slipped out of his hand and bounced onto the carpet.
"Shit," he muttered under his breath, crouching down and picking up the frame in an effort to hide his blush.
"Did it break?"
"No, it's…it's fine," Ares answered without looking up. A minute ago everything had made sense, but as soon as he realized what he'd been about to do he was confused again. He knew he wanted to kiss Joxer; he wanted a lot more than just a kiss, but he had no idea what Joxer wanted. He hadn't looked like he was planning to stop Ares, but maybe he just hadn't realized yet what Ares was thinking. Somehow he managed to stifle a sigh and straighten up, setting the picture frame back down on the windowsill before he stole a glance at the other man. "Ready?"
"Sure," Joxer answered. Ares told himself he was just imagining the hesitation in the other man's voice, reaching for his jacket and pulling it on before he led Joxer out of the loft and back down the stairs. They made small talk about some of the students they had in common on the way to Ares' favorite restaurant, and Ares found a whole list of new reasons to admire Joxer's dedication to teaching. The way he talked about the kids he taught made Ares wish that Cupid was in his class, if for no other reason than so Ares would know that at least one teacher at his school gave a damn about what happened to his son.
"I wish Cupid's teachers were still as dedicated as you are," Ares said when they found themselves seated at a table near the front of the restaurant. "Half the time I wonder if some of them even know his name."
"I figure I've still got a few years before I really get jaded," Joxer said, trying and failing to hide the smirk that was threatening to form. "It's a tough job, but teaching music isn't as much of a challenge as history or math. Most of the kids in my class want to be there, even if it's just because they've got big dreams of being rock stars."
"That makes sense. I wish Cupid would show an interest in something besides overreacting."
"Don't knock it, maybe you've got the next Brad Pitt on your hands."
Ares laughed, reminded all over again of how much he liked just talking to Joxer. He shook his head at the idea of Cupid in Hollywood, living the life of a movie star. "He's too smart to waste his time on acting. He's got his mother's brains."
"His father doesn't seem to be lacking in that department either." Joxer cleared his throat and looked away, and Ares couldn't quite hide the smile that formed as he watched the other man blush. "What does his mother do, anyway?"
"She's a family therapist."
Joxer laughed this time, his eyes sparkling with amusement as he stared back at Ares. "You're joking."
"I'm afraid not. I think that's part of the reason she's still so mad at me."
"I guess I can't really blame her. But if anything she should be mad at herself for not seeing it coming."
"I don't know, I never really saw it coming." Ares frowned down at his menu, his mood falling as suddenly as it had lifted. Part of him felt stupid for expecting to live out the charade of their marriage for the rest of their lives, but the rest of him was still so confused that it was hard to think straight sometimes. "I'm not sure what that says about me."
"Ares, I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
"No, it's alright," Ares interrupted quickly, hoping to avoid listening to Joxer stumble through an apology he didn't deserve. "You're right, we both probably should have seen it. In a way I guess she always knew, she just didn't want to deal with it. And I guess I just liked the idea of having a family. I still miss it, to tell you the truth."
"It's a lot to give up after nearly 20 years together. And you have a son, that makes things more complicated."
"Cupid's the only good part of this whole mess," Ares said, frowning at the thought of his son and how confused and angry he was even after two years. "Poor kid, he doesn't deserve to be caught in the middle."
"Being a parent doesn't make you a superhero." Joxer smiled when Ares glanced up at him again, and Ares couldn't help feeling guilty for bringing the conversation back to his messy personal life for the second time. "You're still human, Ares. My nephew doesn't deserve to have a father in prison, but that's the reality. And Strife's doing okay, his mother's not the greatest influence in the world but she loves him."
"Your brother's in prison?" Ares raised his eyebrows in surprise, trying to imagine what the brother of the gentle man sitting across from him could have done to land himself in jail.
"There are three of us," Joxer answered, and Ares could tell it was an effort to hold his gaze. He crossed his arms over his chest in an effort to suppress the urge to reach over and cover Joxer's hand with his the way Joxer had done two nights before, nodding his understanding as he waited for Joxer to continue. "Triplets. Me, Jett, and Jace. Jett's always had a temper, and once he hit high school he started drinking a lot. To tell you the truth I'm surprised he didn't land in prison long before he did. He never could handle his liquor, he used to fight all the time. It didn't matter who with, as long as he was drunk enough he could pick a fight with a complete stranger just for breathing wrong. Anyway when Strife was still little Jett got drunk and picked a fight with one of his friends. A kid we grew up with, they were practically inseparable. Jett just hit him a little too hard and ended up in prison for manslaughter. It's funny because when he's sober he's the funniest guy, and really charming. If I'd been the least bit interested in girls in high school I would have been jealous. But get a little booze in him and he turns into Mr. Hyde."
"What about your other brother…Jace, right?"
Joxer smiled affectionately, glancing down at his hands as he lost himself in some memory of his brother. "Jace. He's the 'colorful' one in the family. Right now he's living in Vegas, performing in one of the drag shows out there. My being gay didn't even phase my parents after they got a look at Jace in a pair of heels the first time. He's terrible about keeping in touch. Jett writes pretty regularly, though. He keeps up with what Strife's up to through me, I think he's scared to write to him. His own kid, can you imagine?"
"Do you think Strife would want to hear from him?"
For a long moment a shrug was Joxer's only answer, then he looked up and met Ares' gaze. "I don't know, I've never asked him. It's his father, no matter what he's done that won't change."
"I guess not." Ares leaned forward and folded his hands in front of him on the table, regarding Joxer thoughtfully for a moment before he continued. "He's lucky to have you in his life."
"I don't know about that, I moved all the way to New York and left him in Detroit. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I mean he's got his mom and he's almost seventeen now, but still. Sometimes I wonder about the kids he hangs out with."
"Now that's one thing I don't worry about," Ares said, his features relaxing into a proud smile as he pictured Cupid's friends. "Everyone Cupid hangs around is a straight A student. You wouldn't believe the manners on these kids. If there's one thing I never have to worry about, it's bad influences on my son."
~
Saturday morning Ares woke feeling more rested than he had in ages. As soon as he opened his eyes the night before came flooding back, and he smiled into his pillow at the memory of Joxer's voice, his easy laugh and the smile that lit up his whole face. They'd spent hours sitting in the restaurant, just talking about Cupid and Joxer's nephew and how hard it was to raise good kids in this day and age. When they'd finally worn out their welcome at the restaurant they found a bar and spent another hour or so talking over beers, and even then Ares found it difficult to let Joxer leave.
Once again he found himself standing on the sidewalk in front of the other man, wondering what Joxer's reaction would be if Ares asked him not to go. He got the feeling it wasn't just about sex this time, though, and that was enough to scare him into silence. The fact was that he'd had a conversation with Joxer - several, in fact - and instead of killing the attraction it had just made it stronger. He had no idea what that meant, or what he was supposed to do about it once he figured it out.
His confusion didn't do anything to diminish his mood, though, and he was startled to find himself whistling as he made his way to the shower to get ready for his morning classes. He was still humming softly to himself half an hour later as he walked into the studio and unlocked the front door, pushing it open long enough to take in a breath of crisp autumn air. The sky was a clear blue and the air still held a hint of summer warmth, just enough to match Ares' mood perfectly. He was so caught up in the serendipity of the weather that he almost missed the figure crouched next to the door until it stood up and practically pushed him over on its way into the studio.
"Cupid?"
He followed the blur of blond hair back inside, his mood and the night before forgotten as worry edged out every other feeling. "Cupid?" he tried again as he watched his son trudge up the stairs toward the loft. "Son, what the…what the hell are you doing here?"
"Geez, took you look enough to answer the door," Cupid snapped from the top of the stairs. "I've been out there forever."
Ares made a mental note to check if the buzzer was broken before he followed his son upstairs, stopping just inside the loft and crossing his arms over his chest. "Cupid, does your mother know you're here?"
"No. Not yet, anyway. I left a note." Cupid scowled at the coffee table and threw himself down on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest in a gesture remarkably like his father's. "Like she cares anyway."
"Cupid, come on, she cares. We both care about you more than anything, you know that."
"Oh yeah? Well if you care so much…awww, forget it." Cupid trailed off and let out a little huff of air that puffed out his chest momentarily.
Ares took a deep breath and summoned the few remaining shreds of patience left in him before he crossed the room and crouched down next to the couch. For a long moment he just looked up at his son, willing Cupid to meet his gaze. Slowly a pair of angry brown eyes turned toward him, and he watched as the anger drained out of them only to be replaced by confusion. "Cupe? What's going on? Whatever's bothering you, you can tell me."
Cupid took a deep breath, opened his mouth and then closed it again. Ares waited as patiently as possible while his son stared back at him, studying his face as though he was searching for the answer to a question he hadn't asked yet. Just as Ares was about to give up and suggest they at least call Dite Cupid's chin began to quiver, and before he knew what was happening Ares found himself with an armful of shivering teenager. He caught them just before they tumbled backwards onto the carpet, his breath catching in his throat as he listened to his son sniffle against his neck. It took endless moments before Cupid pulled himself together enough to talk, and when he did he whispered the words directly against Ares' neck. "Dad, I think I might be gay."
~
Forty minutes later Ares had located and talked one of the instructors that worked out of the dojo into coming in and covering his classes for him. He couldn't remember what he'd promised Linda in exchange for the favor, but he was sure she wouldn't let him forget. Once that was taken care of he was left with a quivering, disheveled looking, slightly damp teenager curled up on one end of his couch, and Ares wasn't sure what to do.
Part of him couldn't help wondering if Cupid was just confusing normal teenage curiosity with the desire to identify with his father in some way. Another part of him wondered how long it would take Dite to find a way to blame this on him, but there was a tiny part of him he was trying really hard to ignore that was secretly thrilled at this turn of events.
He knew the odds of Cupid figuring out somewhere down the road that he was just confused were high; the last two years of his life had been more confusing than most teenagers had to deal with, and it was probably natural for him to question whether or not he was gay once he saw his father living the lifestyle. Only he never really saw the lifestyle, because Ares was careful to respect Dite's wishes and protect Cupid from all of that. So what Cupid really saw was Ares' apartment, the neighborhood around the dojo, and whatever tourist attractions Ares could interest him in long enough to distract him for a few hours. The truth was that Cupid didn't really know anything about being gay except the misery it had caused his entire family.
"Cupid." No answer, and Ares let out a sigh as he sank onto the coffee table in front of his son. "Why don't you tell me what makes you think you might be gay."
Cupid looked up long enough to give him a look that clearly said 'duh', but Ares resolutely refused to look away. "There has to be something that happened. Did something…happen?"
"No," Cupid moaned into his kneecaps. "God, Dad."
Ares swallowed a sigh of relief and silently thanked whoever was listening that he'd dodged that particular bullet for one day. The last thing he wanted to do after his son had just come out to him was have a frank discussion about gay sex. He guessed they'd probably have to have that conversation someday, but he hoped it was far in the future. "Is there someone you like then?"
"No. Not really. It's not like that, Dad. It's just a feeling."
When he finished talking he looked up, and the misery in his eyes was so clear that Ares felt his heart twist in his chest. He remembered that feeling, it hadn't been that long since the last time he felt that kind of shame and confusion. Less than two hours ago he'd actually been optimistic for the first time since he was Cupid's age, and now he couldn't even remember what he'd been so happy about. One date with a guy he barely knew? Ares knew less about dating than…well, Cupid, probably, considering how much TV the kid watched.
"You know, son, you don't have to decide anything right now. You're still young, there's plenty of time to figure things out. You're gonna have a lot of new feelings in the next few years, they don't necessarily mean what you think they mean."
It sounded good when he thought it, and he didn't think it sounded half-bad when he said it. As soon as he finished speaking Cupid looked at him as though he'd suddenly sprouted wings, though, and for a second Ares was tempted to check.
"Like I'd pick this," Cupid said in a tone that let Ares know exactly how little Cupid thought of him at the moment. "You think I want to be like this? Mom's gonna freak."
In that instant the tiny part of Ares that had cheered when the words "I'm gay" came out of his son's mouth died. It wasn't even so much that the thought of being like him filled Cupid with panic, because who could really blame him? Ares knew what Cupid's future held if he really was gay, though, and he wouldn't wish that on his son for anything.
"She's not going to freak. Your mother loves you," Ares assured him, although he wasn't entirely sure Dite wouldn't freak. He knew for sure she'd find a way to make it his fault, anyway, and that was just going to make things even harder for Cupid. "Do you want me to be there when you talk to her?"
"I can't tell her. Not yet. I don't know if I can ever tell her. I can't tell anybody, Dad. You should hear the things they say…if they knew I was like that too…"
He didn't need to finish the sentence to let Ares know who 'they' were, and who they were talking about when they said whatever they'd been saying. He'd never imagined this kind of torment when Dite told him that Cupid was having trouble at school, and he could only imagine all the ways Cupid's friends were hurting him without even realizing it. It was no wonder Cupid wanted to move to New York and live with him, but there was no way Dite was going to go for that now. She might not ever let him come to the city again once she knew the truth. He knew she wouldn't hold it against Cupid, at least not intentionally, but he couldn't say the same for himself.
"It'll be alright," he said, as much to try to convince himself as to reassure Cupid. He reached out and put a hand on the back of Cupid's neck, pulling him forward into a tight hug. "It'll be okay, Cupid. You're gonna be fine."
~
It took Ares the better part of the day to talk Cupid into calling Dite, and in the end it was Ares that ended up talking to her. Cupid barely got out a squeaky ‘Mom?’ before he handed the phone over, and Ares had to do a lot of fast thinking to come up with a way to keep Cupid out of trouble for riding the train alone into the city. Ares was still a little worried about that part, because the fact that Cupid could make the hour and a half train ride alone without even blinking meant he was getting way too independent way too fast. Coupled with this latest development…well, they were definitely going to have to sit down and talk about safety in all its forms soon.
They hadn’t done a lot of talking over the weekend, but the fact that Cupid had come to him made Ares feel a little better. He knew it was mostly because he was the only other gay person Cupid knew, but it still made him feel better to know that at least his son was still speaking to him. They were going to have to talk to Dite eventually, but he wasn’t going to push it until Cupid was ready. There was a small part of him that enjoyed having a secret that was just between the two of them, that meant Cupid would come to him with questions and worries or even just to vent about how unfair his life was. Thinking that way made him feel even more guilty, but he couldn’t shut off his emotions no matter how hard he tried.
By the time he got back from dropping Cupid off on Sunday night he was emotionally exhausted and the temptation to curl up in the center of his bed and shut out the whole world was too strong to ignore. He knew that wasn’t really an option, though, because he had to open the studio in the morning and he was pretty sure Linda wouldn’t cover for him again. A soft sigh escaped his throat as he dropped his keys on the coffee table and picked up the phone, dialing Linda’s number to thank her again and make sure everything had gone okay over the weekend.
Once she assured him that he would have heard if there had been a problem he hung up the phone, noticing for the first time that his answering machine was blinking at him. For a moment he thought about not playing back the message, expecting it to be Dite calling to ask him more leading questions about what was going on with their son. When he realized it could be Cupid he relented and pressed ‘play’, frowning at the sound of the familiar male voice filling the room.
“Ares. Long time no see. I’m starting to think you’ve found someone you like better than me, but I know that’s not possible. Give me a call. Or better yet, just come over. You know where to find me.”
The invitation was one that Ares would normally jump at, but for some reason tonight the sound of his sometimes-lover’s voice just made his temples throb. He thought about ignoring his instincts and going over there anyway, losing himself in sensation and someone he knew well enough that he didn’t have to focus or think too hard about anything. He knew conversation would be the last thing he’d have to worry about, but the truth was that for the first time in a long time he actually wanted to talk about what was going on. There was only one person he knew that he could really talk to about Cupid, though, and he couldn’t just call Joxer and ask him to come over.
It was Sunday night, he’d have school in the morning and he was all the way over in the village. Ares couldn’t ask him to get on the subway and come all the way to the Bronx just because he was having a lousy weekend. They were barely friends, and Joxer would probably just think Ares was even more pathetic for getting his phone number off the sign-up sheet for his karate class.
He was still telling himself not to do it when he went downstairs to find Joxer’s file, and when he got back upstairs with the phone number in hand he just sat on the couch and stared at it for awhile. He couldn’t call, it was too…something. Needy, maybe. Pathetic, definitely. But they had some kind of connection, a friendship anyway. And Joxer really was a good listener, which was really all Ares needed tonight. Drowning his feelings in casual sex with someone he didn’t care about hadn’t worked in the past, and he just wanted someone to tell him it was going to be okay. Telling Cupid that was one thing, but Ares couldn’t convince himself it was true. He wasn’t sure anyone could, but Joxer was the only person he knew that could even come close.
Finally he picked up the phone and dialed, struggling against the urge to hang up as soon as the phone rang. After two rings he told himself Joxer wasn’t even home, and he wasn’t sure whether or not to be relieved or disappointed. On the third ring the line connected, though, and Ares forgot how to talk when he heard Joxer’s voice on the other end of the line.
“Hello?”
When he realized it was the second time Joxer had said it Ares shook his head and prayed that his voice wouldn’t break. “Joxer? It’s…this is Ares.”
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line, and Ares squeezed his eyes shut as he waited for Joxer to make up some excuse as to why he couldn’t talk. His mind raced as he scrambled for some excuse, something he could tell Joxer about class or anything just to give him an excuse for calling. Before he came up with anything Joxer’s voice sounded in his ear again, softer this time but warmer somehow.
“Ares, hi. I’m glad you called.”
“You are?”
As soon as he realized he’d said it out loud Ares blushed from the tips of his fingers all the way to the roots of his hair, and he was glad Joxer couldn’t see him. He couldn’t take it back, though, so he cleared his throat and waited for Joxer to answer.
“I wanted to thank you again for Friday night. I had a really nice time.”
“Oh…right, me too,” Ares stammered, wincing at the sound of his voice as he tripped over his words. “I…uh…we should do it again sometime.”
“Ares, are you alright? You sound funny.”
“I do?” Ares rolled his eyes at himself as he listened to Joxer laugh on the other end of the line. Of course he did, only Joxer was being polite because the truth was that Ares sounded like a total moron. He smiled in spite of his mood and ran a hand over his face, letting out a soft sigh. “I guess I’m a little worn out. Cupid showed up unexpectedly this weekend and kind of dropped a bombshell on me.”
“Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know. I think so. Maybe. He’s pretty confused, although I might be even more confused than he is.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Ares knew Joxer would ask that eventually, it was the whole reason he’d called him in the first place. Somehow just hearing the question made him feel better. He wasn’t sure what that meant, but he decided not to try to figure out any more impossible questions that night. “Thanks, Joxer. It’s getting late and you’ve got work in the morning. I should let you go.”
“Tomorrow then. I can come by after school. I owe you dinner anyway.”
“Alright,” Ares heard himself answer before he even heard the end of the question. His heart was beating too fast suddenly, and it was hard to focus on the conversation. “The studio’s closed on Mondays so just ring the buzzer.”
“Sounds good. I’ve got a meeting tomorrow afternoon, but I should be done before 6:00. So I’ll see you then.”
Ares hung up the phone feeling lighter than he had all weekend. He was still worried about Cupid and what he was going to tell Dite, but somehow a few minutes of talking to Joxer made him feel better. He realized after he hung up that he’d never offered Joxer a reason for his call, but somehow it didn’t matter. In fact if he didn’t know better he would have thought Joxer was expecting him to call. He pushed that troubling thought as far back in his mind as he could get it and wandered into the kitchen to find something to eat, doing his best not to wonder what was going to happen on Monday night.
Part Three
Fandom: Xena
Pairing: Ares/Joxer
Rating: NC17
Summary: Part of the Stupid Cupid universe. How Ares and Joxer met and fell in love.
“Kids hear things, you know? And I’m sure there’s been plenty of talk about the divorce since I moved out. Dite - that’s my ex - was really hurt. I mean I hurt her in the worst way possible, so I guess in a way it’s understandable.”
“Ares, people cheat. It happens.”
Ares frowned across the table. “How did you know…?”
“’Worst way possible’. I’ve been there, it’s pretty much a given.” Joxer sighed and set his cup down, leaning forward to fold his hands in front of him. “We all make mistakes, right? Divorce is hardest on kids, but I bet your son knows you love him. The fact that he called you means he’s trying to deal with whatever the problem is. He’ll tell you when he’s ready.”
“The last time he came to visit he said he wanted to live with me.” Ares was staring at his coffee as though it held the secrets of the universe, watching the surface ripple slightly as heat from the vent above their table floated down to them. “That made me feel really good, you know? But then he said he didn’t want to go back to his school because the kids all make fun of him. He didn’t say, but I could tell it was about me.”
He looked down when he felt a hand cover his, frowning at Joxer’s fingers as though it was the first time anyone had ever touched him. “It’s not your fault, you know.”
Ares looked up, his frown deepening when he realized he didn’t have to tell Joxer anything. He’d never understood how some people just knew without even asking, but it was obvious Joxer did. Sometimes Ares thought he could tell when someone was interested in him, but he was never positive. Looking back at Joxer he could tell that the other man knew beyond the shadow of a doubt exactly why the kids at Cupid’s school were making fun of him, and he felt his heart lurch into his throat. “I…how did you…?”
Joxer’s hand left his, leaving Ares’ skin feeling cold despite the heat pouring down on them through the vent. The smaller man shrugged and picked up his coffee again, watching Ares over the edge of the cup while he drank. “Sometimes you can just tell,” he said when he set his coffee down again. “Not that it’s obvious or anything, it’s just the way you were talking. I’ve been through it, it’s not that hard to recognize the signs. You being gay seemed like the most plausible scenario. I mean you could have surprised me by saying your wife caught you having an affair with a nun or something.”
A surprised laugh escaped Ares’ throat, the first one in days. By the time he recovered his was shaking helplessly, his head shaking back and forth as he wiped at his eyes. “A nun?”
“What can I say, I work for a Catholic school.”
“I could have said I was sleeping with the babysitter.”
“Is that still considered scandalous? Not enough for kids to make fun of your son over it, anyway.”
“Point taken.” Ares searched his mind for anything scandalous enough to make Cupid’s life miserable, but most of the scenarios he came up with were too horrifying to say out loud even in jest. He knew exactly how scandalized his old friends were when they found out he was gay, mostly because none of them would even look at him anymore if they happened to run into him. Those that did looked embarrassed or sometimes ashamed, but they at least mumbled a ‘hello’ before they went back to trying to ignore the fact that he’d ever existed. He hadn’t realized until that moment how lonely the last two years had been, and he found himself wondering why he hadn’t tried harder to make some new friends in the city.
“So I guess Cupid moving in with you is pretty much out of the question?”
The question surprised Ares out of his reverie, but he managed not to drop his coffee at the sound of Joxer’s voice. “Dite would never go for it,” Ares answered. “Getting him for a weekend here and there is still a major production, and I have to put up with the lecture on keeping him away from any strange men every time I pick him up. Besides, I’m not sure it would solve anything. He’s barely speaking to me, and I keep coming up with these nightmare scenarios of what’s bothering him.”
Joxer smiled sympathetically as he watched Ares shudder. “If it was something truly horrible he wouldn’t have called you at all. He probably wouldn’t want to talk to anyone. Give him time, he’ll come around.”
“Are you sure you’re not a shrink in your spare time?”
“Thanks, I think, but I get all this stuff from the teacher in-house seminars they make us go to every few months. When your kids get a day off school to annoy you and stir up trouble it’s because their teachers are busy learning how to spot the signs of things like drug addiction and sexual abuse.”
“And here I thought you people just taught reading and writing.”
A wry grin tugged at the corners of Joxer’s mouth as he held Ares’ gaze. “Just trust me when I say that Cupid’s a lucky kid. He’s got two parents that care about him, he’s doing better than most kids these days. He’ll realize that eventually.”
He hadn't been expecting to feel better just from talking about his problems with Cupid, but strangely enough he did. In fact talking to Joxer was so easy that he'd already told him things he'd never said to anyone else. It was the first time since his divorce that he'd really confided in anyone about how he felt, about Cupid or Dite or any of the other weird things going on in his life. The fact that Joxer had guessed his big secret wasn't even so bad, and he'd even said that he'd been through the same thing himself. Ares did his best to ignore the shiver of anticipation that rolled through him at that thought and reached for his wallet.
"I've got it, I asked you."
"Joxer, it's the least I can do. You listened to me complain about my kid and my ex-wife for…" He trailed off and glanced at his watch, raising his eyebrows when he realized how long they'd been sitting there. "…Almost an hour."
"I wanted to," Joxer said. "Besides, it's just a couple cups of coffee."
Ares shrugged and tucked his wallet back into his pocket while he tried to remember how to make his voice work. He wasn't at all sure he should be doing what he was about to do, but he liked spending time with Joxer and he was really easy to talk to. They could at least be friends, Ares told himself. He could use a friend that didn't have allegiances to Dite, and it would be nice to be around someone for once without having to worry about where it was going. "Okay, okay, I give. On the condition that you let me buy you dinner. To thank you," he added quickly.
"For what?"
A hot blush crept into Ares' cheeks as he tried to come up with an answer that wouldn't make him look any more pathetic than he already did. He wasn't about to admit the truth, which would have entailed saying something along the lines of 'for being nice to me' or 'because I haven't got anyone else to tell this stuff to'. Finally his brain latched onto a memory and in the heat of the moment he decided that it sounded good enough to say out loud. "For pointing me in the right direction the first time we met. I never did get a chance to thank you for that."
Joxer looked like he wanted to laugh, or maybe say something that would embarrass Ares even more. Instead he dug his own wallet out and dropped a few bills on the table before he looked over at Ares again. "How's Friday night?"
"Perfect," Ares answered. He held Joxer's gaze a few seconds longer than he needed to before he forced himself to look away, standing up and reaching for his jacket before he glanced over at the other man again. When he realized he was going to have to say goodnight to Joxer he suddenly felt awkward, and part of him was tempted to fall back on the charm he used in the clubs. He wondered what Joxer would say if Ares invited him back to his place; it was tempting, but the thought that Joxer might turn him down stopped him before the question formed on his lips. They weren't dating, they weren't even friends yet. Maybe they were headed in that direction, but if Ares tried to seduce him now that would all be over in the morning. It surprised him how much the idea of losing even his tentative friendship with Joxer bothered him, and he pushed the attraction he felt for the other man as far back in his consciousness as it would go.
When they reached the sidewalk Ares found himself shifting his weight awkwardly, feeling like a nervous teenager about to try for his first kiss. Only he wasn't kissing Joxer goodnight, but the second the idea occurred to him all he could think about was the mouth that was less than two feet away from his.
"Which direction are you…?"
"What? Oh," Ares muttered, glad for the darkness covering his inevitable blush at being caught daydreaming about kissing his new friend. "I live above the dojo. There's a loft up there, I used to rent it out until…well, you know that story already."
Joxer smiled sympathetically and nodded in the opposite direction. "My place is in the village, I catch the subway right over there. So I guess I'll see you on Friday."
"Right, Friday. Do you want to meet somewhere or…?" Ares rolled his eyes at himself as he listened to himself babble. It had been years since he'd gone on an actual date with someone, but this wasn't a date. This was just two friends meeting for dinner, and he was the one that had asked so he should be the one doing the arranging. "Or I can come to you," he added.
"I can just come by after school," Joxer suggested. "I'm already over here anyway, no sense both of us going all the way over to the village."
"Sure, sounds good," Ares said. He could feel his grin spreading but he was powerless to control it, and suddenly all he wanted to do was get away from Joxer before he scared him away forever. "So I'll see you Friday."
"Goodnight, Ares." Joxer wasn't moving, and Ares realized that he was just standing in the middle of the sidewalk staring at the smaller man. He shook his head and forced himself to take a step backwards, then he stopped again.
"Goodnight," he said before he turned on his heel and walked as quickly as he could in the direction of his apartment.
Ares didn't see Joxer at school on Thursday. It wasn't for lack of looking; in fact he got to the school earlier than usual, and he took his time making his way toward the gym to set up for his class. There was no sign of Joxer in the hallways, though, and he couldn't bring himself to actually walk into the teachers' lounge. He couldn't think of a decent excuse, anyway, not when he hadn't been in there since his first day. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to see Joxer before their…no, it wasn't a date, and he wasn't going to let himself think of it as one. It was hard not to wonder how Joxer was thinking of it, though, if he was even thinking about it at all.
By the time Friday afternoon rolled around he'd worked himself into a near panic, and when Joxer finally walked into the dojo he was almost relieved just to have the suspense over with. All it took was one look at Joxer and Ares knew exactly what he'd been thinking about their dinner plans. This was a date - there was no way around it, because he'd seen Joxer dressed for school before and this didn't even come close. He was wearing a pair of black slacks and boots that probably earned him a few raised eyebrows at school if he'd actually worn them all day. Instead of his usual tweed jacket and white work shirt he was wearing a maroon button-down dress shirt that Ares was almost sure was silk.
"Hi," was the only syllable he managed to get out around the lump in his throat, but it must have been enough because Joxer's whole face lit up in that smile that Ares was really starting to look forward to.
"Hi. Am I early? If you've got another class or something I've got some papers I can grade."
"You assign papers to your music students?"
Joxer's laughter filled the silence of the empty studio and did things to Ares' stomach that he was not going to think about. "There's more to music than just learning to play the flute. I teach music theory and music history as well."
"You know I think I remember something like that back in high school, now that you mention it," Ares said. "But I spent most of my time in the chorus room."
"You sing?"
"I've been known to." Ares smiled at the glimmer of interest in Joxer's eyes and reached for his keys. "Come on upstairs while I change. It's a little more comfortable than hanging around down here."
By 'a little' Ares meant exactly that, but he hadn't really thought about quite how uninviting his loft was until he looked at it through Joxer's eyes. The second-hand sofa he'd had since he opened the dojo sagged noticeably at one end from all the time Cupid had spent jumping on it in an effort to fly when he was little. The kitchen jutted sharply into the living area, and the fridge had been painted at least three different colors over the years. The original avocado was beginning to show through the chipped layers, and he remembered for the first time since he'd put it in that he'd gotten it out of his parents' garage when they moved to Florida.
The TV was small, and the only reason he even had cable was for Cupid's benefit. Not that Cupid was around to watch it much, but Ares liked having C-Span for company during dinner. Which was a depressing thought all on its own, and he let out a small sigh as he dropped his keys on the table next to the door and stood aside to let Joxer in. "I guess I still haven't really moved in."
"It's nice. Big," Joxer said as he stepped into the loft and looked around. It was obvious he was working hard at not saying what he was thinking, which made Ares feel even worse for not getting a handle on his life by now. It had been two years, he shouldn't still be treating the apartment above the dojo like it was a hotel room.
"I'll be right out," he said. "Make yourself comfortable. There's beer in the fridge, there might be some Coke too from the last time Cupid was here."
He took a few steps backwards and succeeded in catching his thigh on the corner of the table next to the door, rolling his eyes at himself as he turned and headed toward the bedroom. It was stupid to worry about what Joxer thought of his apartment, he knew that. Mostly he thought of it as a place to sleep anyway, it wasn't as though he spent a lot of time hanging around up there by himself. Because you're too busy hanging around downstairs by yourself, a voice in the back of his head reminded him. He scowled and rummaged around in the pile of laundry at the foot of the bed until he found a clean towel and headed for the bathroom.
After a quick shower and a momentary panic when he realized he was going to have to pick out date clothes he finally settled on a pair of black jeans and a black button-down. He rolled the sleeves up a little just so he wouldn't look too dressed up, but he still felt a little bit like he was trying too hard to impress Joxer. His black leather pants would probably be too much for dinner with a friend, even if it was kind of a date. It wasn't a real date, but maybe if he thought of it as a practice date it would be easier to relax and hold a conversation.
When he reappeared in the living room Joxer was standing by the window, holding one of the few framed pictures Ares kept around the house. "He looks like you," Joxer said without looking up.
Ares crossed the room to stop next to him, frowning down at the picture of him with his arm around a much younger Cupid. "I always thought he took after Dite. That's what everyone else says."
"Well I assume he gets the blond from her," Joxer said, finally looking up to smile at Ares. "But he's got your build, you can tell he's going to be all muscle when he's older. He's got your eyes, too."
"Yeah?" Ares took the picture out of Joxer's hand and peered down at it, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he saw what Joxer was talking about. "I guess he does."
When he looked up again Joxer was watching him, his body turned toward Ares so that their shoulders were almost touching. It felt so natural to lean forward that for a split second he forgot that he didn't have the right to just lean down and kiss the other man, he forgot everything except the butterflies in his stomach and the expectant way Joxer was staring up at him. He wasn't sure whether he'd actually moved or if he'd just thought about leaning in to kiss Joxer, but before he made contact the picture frame slipped out of his hand and bounced onto the carpet.
"Shit," he muttered under his breath, crouching down and picking up the frame in an effort to hide his blush.
"Did it break?"
"No, it's…it's fine," Ares answered without looking up. A minute ago everything had made sense, but as soon as he realized what he'd been about to do he was confused again. He knew he wanted to kiss Joxer; he wanted a lot more than just a kiss, but he had no idea what Joxer wanted. He hadn't looked like he was planning to stop Ares, but maybe he just hadn't realized yet what Ares was thinking. Somehow he managed to stifle a sigh and straighten up, setting the picture frame back down on the windowsill before he stole a glance at the other man. "Ready?"
"Sure," Joxer answered. Ares told himself he was just imagining the hesitation in the other man's voice, reaching for his jacket and pulling it on before he led Joxer out of the loft and back down the stairs. They made small talk about some of the students they had in common on the way to Ares' favorite restaurant, and Ares found a whole list of new reasons to admire Joxer's dedication to teaching. The way he talked about the kids he taught made Ares wish that Cupid was in his class, if for no other reason than so Ares would know that at least one teacher at his school gave a damn about what happened to his son.
"I wish Cupid's teachers were still as dedicated as you are," Ares said when they found themselves seated at a table near the front of the restaurant. "Half the time I wonder if some of them even know his name."
"I figure I've still got a few years before I really get jaded," Joxer said, trying and failing to hide the smirk that was threatening to form. "It's a tough job, but teaching music isn't as much of a challenge as history or math. Most of the kids in my class want to be there, even if it's just because they've got big dreams of being rock stars."
"That makes sense. I wish Cupid would show an interest in something besides overreacting."
"Don't knock it, maybe you've got the next Brad Pitt on your hands."
Ares laughed, reminded all over again of how much he liked just talking to Joxer. He shook his head at the idea of Cupid in Hollywood, living the life of a movie star. "He's too smart to waste his time on acting. He's got his mother's brains."
"His father doesn't seem to be lacking in that department either." Joxer cleared his throat and looked away, and Ares couldn't quite hide the smile that formed as he watched the other man blush. "What does his mother do, anyway?"
"She's a family therapist."
Joxer laughed this time, his eyes sparkling with amusement as he stared back at Ares. "You're joking."
"I'm afraid not. I think that's part of the reason she's still so mad at me."
"I guess I can't really blame her. But if anything she should be mad at herself for not seeing it coming."
"I don't know, I never really saw it coming." Ares frowned down at his menu, his mood falling as suddenly as it had lifted. Part of him felt stupid for expecting to live out the charade of their marriage for the rest of their lives, but the rest of him was still so confused that it was hard to think straight sometimes. "I'm not sure what that says about me."
"Ares, I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"
"No, it's alright," Ares interrupted quickly, hoping to avoid listening to Joxer stumble through an apology he didn't deserve. "You're right, we both probably should have seen it. In a way I guess she always knew, she just didn't want to deal with it. And I guess I just liked the idea of having a family. I still miss it, to tell you the truth."
"It's a lot to give up after nearly 20 years together. And you have a son, that makes things more complicated."
"Cupid's the only good part of this whole mess," Ares said, frowning at the thought of his son and how confused and angry he was even after two years. "Poor kid, he doesn't deserve to be caught in the middle."
"Being a parent doesn't make you a superhero." Joxer smiled when Ares glanced up at him again, and Ares couldn't help feeling guilty for bringing the conversation back to his messy personal life for the second time. "You're still human, Ares. My nephew doesn't deserve to have a father in prison, but that's the reality. And Strife's doing okay, his mother's not the greatest influence in the world but she loves him."
"Your brother's in prison?" Ares raised his eyebrows in surprise, trying to imagine what the brother of the gentle man sitting across from him could have done to land himself in jail.
"There are three of us," Joxer answered, and Ares could tell it was an effort to hold his gaze. He crossed his arms over his chest in an effort to suppress the urge to reach over and cover Joxer's hand with his the way Joxer had done two nights before, nodding his understanding as he waited for Joxer to continue. "Triplets. Me, Jett, and Jace. Jett's always had a temper, and once he hit high school he started drinking a lot. To tell you the truth I'm surprised he didn't land in prison long before he did. He never could handle his liquor, he used to fight all the time. It didn't matter who with, as long as he was drunk enough he could pick a fight with a complete stranger just for breathing wrong. Anyway when Strife was still little Jett got drunk and picked a fight with one of his friends. A kid we grew up with, they were practically inseparable. Jett just hit him a little too hard and ended up in prison for manslaughter. It's funny because when he's sober he's the funniest guy, and really charming. If I'd been the least bit interested in girls in high school I would have been jealous. But get a little booze in him and he turns into Mr. Hyde."
"What about your other brother…Jace, right?"
Joxer smiled affectionately, glancing down at his hands as he lost himself in some memory of his brother. "Jace. He's the 'colorful' one in the family. Right now he's living in Vegas, performing in one of the drag shows out there. My being gay didn't even phase my parents after they got a look at Jace in a pair of heels the first time. He's terrible about keeping in touch. Jett writes pretty regularly, though. He keeps up with what Strife's up to through me, I think he's scared to write to him. His own kid, can you imagine?"
"Do you think Strife would want to hear from him?"
For a long moment a shrug was Joxer's only answer, then he looked up and met Ares' gaze. "I don't know, I've never asked him. It's his father, no matter what he's done that won't change."
"I guess not." Ares leaned forward and folded his hands in front of him on the table, regarding Joxer thoughtfully for a moment before he continued. "He's lucky to have you in his life."
"I don't know about that, I moved all the way to New York and left him in Detroit. Sometimes I feel guilty about that. I mean he's got his mom and he's almost seventeen now, but still. Sometimes I wonder about the kids he hangs out with."
"Now that's one thing I don't worry about," Ares said, his features relaxing into a proud smile as he pictured Cupid's friends. "Everyone Cupid hangs around is a straight A student. You wouldn't believe the manners on these kids. If there's one thing I never have to worry about, it's bad influences on my son."
~
Saturday morning Ares woke feeling more rested than he had in ages. As soon as he opened his eyes the night before came flooding back, and he smiled into his pillow at the memory of Joxer's voice, his easy laugh and the smile that lit up his whole face. They'd spent hours sitting in the restaurant, just talking about Cupid and Joxer's nephew and how hard it was to raise good kids in this day and age. When they'd finally worn out their welcome at the restaurant they found a bar and spent another hour or so talking over beers, and even then Ares found it difficult to let Joxer leave.
Once again he found himself standing on the sidewalk in front of the other man, wondering what Joxer's reaction would be if Ares asked him not to go. He got the feeling it wasn't just about sex this time, though, and that was enough to scare him into silence. The fact was that he'd had a conversation with Joxer - several, in fact - and instead of killing the attraction it had just made it stronger. He had no idea what that meant, or what he was supposed to do about it once he figured it out.
His confusion didn't do anything to diminish his mood, though, and he was startled to find himself whistling as he made his way to the shower to get ready for his morning classes. He was still humming softly to himself half an hour later as he walked into the studio and unlocked the front door, pushing it open long enough to take in a breath of crisp autumn air. The sky was a clear blue and the air still held a hint of summer warmth, just enough to match Ares' mood perfectly. He was so caught up in the serendipity of the weather that he almost missed the figure crouched next to the door until it stood up and practically pushed him over on its way into the studio.
"Cupid?"
He followed the blur of blond hair back inside, his mood and the night before forgotten as worry edged out every other feeling. "Cupid?" he tried again as he watched his son trudge up the stairs toward the loft. "Son, what the…what the hell are you doing here?"
"Geez, took you look enough to answer the door," Cupid snapped from the top of the stairs. "I've been out there forever."
Ares made a mental note to check if the buzzer was broken before he followed his son upstairs, stopping just inside the loft and crossing his arms over his chest. "Cupid, does your mother know you're here?"
"No. Not yet, anyway. I left a note." Cupid scowled at the coffee table and threw himself down on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest in a gesture remarkably like his father's. "Like she cares anyway."
"Cupid, come on, she cares. We both care about you more than anything, you know that."
"Oh yeah? Well if you care so much…awww, forget it." Cupid trailed off and let out a little huff of air that puffed out his chest momentarily.
Ares took a deep breath and summoned the few remaining shreds of patience left in him before he crossed the room and crouched down next to the couch. For a long moment he just looked up at his son, willing Cupid to meet his gaze. Slowly a pair of angry brown eyes turned toward him, and he watched as the anger drained out of them only to be replaced by confusion. "Cupe? What's going on? Whatever's bothering you, you can tell me."
Cupid took a deep breath, opened his mouth and then closed it again. Ares waited as patiently as possible while his son stared back at him, studying his face as though he was searching for the answer to a question he hadn't asked yet. Just as Ares was about to give up and suggest they at least call Dite Cupid's chin began to quiver, and before he knew what was happening Ares found himself with an armful of shivering teenager. He caught them just before they tumbled backwards onto the carpet, his breath catching in his throat as he listened to his son sniffle against his neck. It took endless moments before Cupid pulled himself together enough to talk, and when he did he whispered the words directly against Ares' neck. "Dad, I think I might be gay."
~
Forty minutes later Ares had located and talked one of the instructors that worked out of the dojo into coming in and covering his classes for him. He couldn't remember what he'd promised Linda in exchange for the favor, but he was sure she wouldn't let him forget. Once that was taken care of he was left with a quivering, disheveled looking, slightly damp teenager curled up on one end of his couch, and Ares wasn't sure what to do.
Part of him couldn't help wondering if Cupid was just confusing normal teenage curiosity with the desire to identify with his father in some way. Another part of him wondered how long it would take Dite to find a way to blame this on him, but there was a tiny part of him he was trying really hard to ignore that was secretly thrilled at this turn of events.
He knew the odds of Cupid figuring out somewhere down the road that he was just confused were high; the last two years of his life had been more confusing than most teenagers had to deal with, and it was probably natural for him to question whether or not he was gay once he saw his father living the lifestyle. Only he never really saw the lifestyle, because Ares was careful to respect Dite's wishes and protect Cupid from all of that. So what Cupid really saw was Ares' apartment, the neighborhood around the dojo, and whatever tourist attractions Ares could interest him in long enough to distract him for a few hours. The truth was that Cupid didn't really know anything about being gay except the misery it had caused his entire family.
"Cupid." No answer, and Ares let out a sigh as he sank onto the coffee table in front of his son. "Why don't you tell me what makes you think you might be gay."
Cupid looked up long enough to give him a look that clearly said 'duh', but Ares resolutely refused to look away. "There has to be something that happened. Did something…happen?"
"No," Cupid moaned into his kneecaps. "God, Dad."
Ares swallowed a sigh of relief and silently thanked whoever was listening that he'd dodged that particular bullet for one day. The last thing he wanted to do after his son had just come out to him was have a frank discussion about gay sex. He guessed they'd probably have to have that conversation someday, but he hoped it was far in the future. "Is there someone you like then?"
"No. Not really. It's not like that, Dad. It's just a feeling."
When he finished talking he looked up, and the misery in his eyes was so clear that Ares felt his heart twist in his chest. He remembered that feeling, it hadn't been that long since the last time he felt that kind of shame and confusion. Less than two hours ago he'd actually been optimistic for the first time since he was Cupid's age, and now he couldn't even remember what he'd been so happy about. One date with a guy he barely knew? Ares knew less about dating than…well, Cupid, probably, considering how much TV the kid watched.
"You know, son, you don't have to decide anything right now. You're still young, there's plenty of time to figure things out. You're gonna have a lot of new feelings in the next few years, they don't necessarily mean what you think they mean."
It sounded good when he thought it, and he didn't think it sounded half-bad when he said it. As soon as he finished speaking Cupid looked at him as though he'd suddenly sprouted wings, though, and for a second Ares was tempted to check.
"Like I'd pick this," Cupid said in a tone that let Ares know exactly how little Cupid thought of him at the moment. "You think I want to be like this? Mom's gonna freak."
In that instant the tiny part of Ares that had cheered when the words "I'm gay" came out of his son's mouth died. It wasn't even so much that the thought of being like him filled Cupid with panic, because who could really blame him? Ares knew what Cupid's future held if he really was gay, though, and he wouldn't wish that on his son for anything.
"She's not going to freak. Your mother loves you," Ares assured him, although he wasn't entirely sure Dite wouldn't freak. He knew for sure she'd find a way to make it his fault, anyway, and that was just going to make things even harder for Cupid. "Do you want me to be there when you talk to her?"
"I can't tell her. Not yet. I don't know if I can ever tell her. I can't tell anybody, Dad. You should hear the things they say…if they knew I was like that too…"
He didn't need to finish the sentence to let Ares know who 'they' were, and who they were talking about when they said whatever they'd been saying. He'd never imagined this kind of torment when Dite told him that Cupid was having trouble at school, and he could only imagine all the ways Cupid's friends were hurting him without even realizing it. It was no wonder Cupid wanted to move to New York and live with him, but there was no way Dite was going to go for that now. She might not ever let him come to the city again once she knew the truth. He knew she wouldn't hold it against Cupid, at least not intentionally, but he couldn't say the same for himself.
"It'll be alright," he said, as much to try to convince himself as to reassure Cupid. He reached out and put a hand on the back of Cupid's neck, pulling him forward into a tight hug. "It'll be okay, Cupid. You're gonna be fine."
~
It took Ares the better part of the day to talk Cupid into calling Dite, and in the end it was Ares that ended up talking to her. Cupid barely got out a squeaky ‘Mom?’ before he handed the phone over, and Ares had to do a lot of fast thinking to come up with a way to keep Cupid out of trouble for riding the train alone into the city. Ares was still a little worried about that part, because the fact that Cupid could make the hour and a half train ride alone without even blinking meant he was getting way too independent way too fast. Coupled with this latest development…well, they were definitely going to have to sit down and talk about safety in all its forms soon.
They hadn’t done a lot of talking over the weekend, but the fact that Cupid had come to him made Ares feel a little better. He knew it was mostly because he was the only other gay person Cupid knew, but it still made him feel better to know that at least his son was still speaking to him. They were going to have to talk to Dite eventually, but he wasn’t going to push it until Cupid was ready. There was a small part of him that enjoyed having a secret that was just between the two of them, that meant Cupid would come to him with questions and worries or even just to vent about how unfair his life was. Thinking that way made him feel even more guilty, but he couldn’t shut off his emotions no matter how hard he tried.
By the time he got back from dropping Cupid off on Sunday night he was emotionally exhausted and the temptation to curl up in the center of his bed and shut out the whole world was too strong to ignore. He knew that wasn’t really an option, though, because he had to open the studio in the morning and he was pretty sure Linda wouldn’t cover for him again. A soft sigh escaped his throat as he dropped his keys on the coffee table and picked up the phone, dialing Linda’s number to thank her again and make sure everything had gone okay over the weekend.
Once she assured him that he would have heard if there had been a problem he hung up the phone, noticing for the first time that his answering machine was blinking at him. For a moment he thought about not playing back the message, expecting it to be Dite calling to ask him more leading questions about what was going on with their son. When he realized it could be Cupid he relented and pressed ‘play’, frowning at the sound of the familiar male voice filling the room.
“Ares. Long time no see. I’m starting to think you’ve found someone you like better than me, but I know that’s not possible. Give me a call. Or better yet, just come over. You know where to find me.”
The invitation was one that Ares would normally jump at, but for some reason tonight the sound of his sometimes-lover’s voice just made his temples throb. He thought about ignoring his instincts and going over there anyway, losing himself in sensation and someone he knew well enough that he didn’t have to focus or think too hard about anything. He knew conversation would be the last thing he’d have to worry about, but the truth was that for the first time in a long time he actually wanted to talk about what was going on. There was only one person he knew that he could really talk to about Cupid, though, and he couldn’t just call Joxer and ask him to come over.
It was Sunday night, he’d have school in the morning and he was all the way over in the village. Ares couldn’t ask him to get on the subway and come all the way to the Bronx just because he was having a lousy weekend. They were barely friends, and Joxer would probably just think Ares was even more pathetic for getting his phone number off the sign-up sheet for his karate class.
He was still telling himself not to do it when he went downstairs to find Joxer’s file, and when he got back upstairs with the phone number in hand he just sat on the couch and stared at it for awhile. He couldn’t call, it was too…something. Needy, maybe. Pathetic, definitely. But they had some kind of connection, a friendship anyway. And Joxer really was a good listener, which was really all Ares needed tonight. Drowning his feelings in casual sex with someone he didn’t care about hadn’t worked in the past, and he just wanted someone to tell him it was going to be okay. Telling Cupid that was one thing, but Ares couldn’t convince himself it was true. He wasn’t sure anyone could, but Joxer was the only person he knew that could even come close.
Finally he picked up the phone and dialed, struggling against the urge to hang up as soon as the phone rang. After two rings he told himself Joxer wasn’t even home, and he wasn’t sure whether or not to be relieved or disappointed. On the third ring the line connected, though, and Ares forgot how to talk when he heard Joxer’s voice on the other end of the line.
“Hello?”
When he realized it was the second time Joxer had said it Ares shook his head and prayed that his voice wouldn’t break. “Joxer? It’s…this is Ares.”
There was a brief pause on the other end of the line, and Ares squeezed his eyes shut as he waited for Joxer to make up some excuse as to why he couldn’t talk. His mind raced as he scrambled for some excuse, something he could tell Joxer about class or anything just to give him an excuse for calling. Before he came up with anything Joxer’s voice sounded in his ear again, softer this time but warmer somehow.
“Ares, hi. I’m glad you called.”
“You are?”
As soon as he realized he’d said it out loud Ares blushed from the tips of his fingers all the way to the roots of his hair, and he was glad Joxer couldn’t see him. He couldn’t take it back, though, so he cleared his throat and waited for Joxer to answer.
“I wanted to thank you again for Friday night. I had a really nice time.”
“Oh…right, me too,” Ares stammered, wincing at the sound of his voice as he tripped over his words. “I…uh…we should do it again sometime.”
“Ares, are you alright? You sound funny.”
“I do?” Ares rolled his eyes at himself as he listened to Joxer laugh on the other end of the line. Of course he did, only Joxer was being polite because the truth was that Ares sounded like a total moron. He smiled in spite of his mood and ran a hand over his face, letting out a soft sigh. “I guess I’m a little worn out. Cupid showed up unexpectedly this weekend and kind of dropped a bombshell on me.”
“Is everything okay?”
“I don’t know. I think so. Maybe. He’s pretty confused, although I might be even more confused than he is.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Ares knew Joxer would ask that eventually, it was the whole reason he’d called him in the first place. Somehow just hearing the question made him feel better. He wasn’t sure what that meant, but he decided not to try to figure out any more impossible questions that night. “Thanks, Joxer. It’s getting late and you’ve got work in the morning. I should let you go.”
“Tomorrow then. I can come by after school. I owe you dinner anyway.”
“Alright,” Ares heard himself answer before he even heard the end of the question. His heart was beating too fast suddenly, and it was hard to focus on the conversation. “The studio’s closed on Mondays so just ring the buzzer.”
“Sounds good. I’ve got a meeting tomorrow afternoon, but I should be done before 6:00. So I’ll see you then.”
Ares hung up the phone feeling lighter than he had all weekend. He was still worried about Cupid and what he was going to tell Dite, but somehow a few minutes of talking to Joxer made him feel better. He realized after he hung up that he’d never offered Joxer a reason for his call, but somehow it didn’t matter. In fact if he didn’t know better he would have thought Joxer was expecting him to call. He pushed that troubling thought as far back in his mind as he could get it and wandered into the kitchen to find something to eat, doing his best not to wonder what was going to happen on Monday night.
Part Three