Fic: Connections: Dinner For Two (JAG, Rabb/Webb, PG)
Title: Connections: Dinner For Two
Fandom: JAG
Pairing: Rabb/Webb
Rating: PG
Summary: Part 4 of the Connections Series.
“Okay, start talking,” Erik demanded, leaning across the small table at the back of Clay’s favorite restaurant.
Clay rolled his eyes in what had become a knee-jerk response to Erik’s perpetual curiosity about his personal life. No matter how many times he tried to explain to his best friend that his life was as mundane as anyone else’s, Erik refused to believe that he wasn’t constantly hiding some dangerous or romantic secret. He wasn’t really hiding anything, at least that’s what he’d been telling himself since Erik dragged him out for dinner and started asking leading questions. He hadn’t told his friend about Harm because he’d been trying to convince himself for years that he didn’t have feelings for the man, only the past two days had pretty much blown seven years’ worth of denial right out of the water. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“Please, Clayton, I think after thirty years of friendship I know you better than that,” Erik said, waving his hand dismissively. “You’ve got a crush and you’re holding out on me.”
“I think you’re confusing me with the strange men you’ve been picking up on the internet,” Clay answered, struggling to keep his expression neutral as he thought of Erik befriending Harm. Of all the people for him to stumble upon, he had to find the one man that Clay didn’t need to be thinking about. It was all just too close to the truth for him to deal with, and the thought of Harm pining for him…he shook his head to chase that thought away and looked back up at his friend.
“Your job has really taken its toll on you,” Erik said, a note of sadness in his voice. “All those years of playing spy games, it was bound to happen. I tried to warn you back in college.”
Clay laughed at the memory of all the times Erik had done exactly that, hours spent on the phone trying to talk Clay out of following in his parents’ footsteps. That was part of the reason Clay’s parents had encouraged their friendship so much, part of it was feeling sorry for Erik growing up in his own house but he had a sneaking suspicion that Porter had invited Erik over all the time in the hope that he’d succeed in talking Clay out of a life in espionage. “My job has nothing to do with my personal life, Erik. You dream up more thrilling scenarios for my life than I could begin to imagine.”
“You can sit there and talk in your little circles all night but I’m not buying it, my friend.” Erik leaned back and picked up his wine spritzer, sipping carefully as he eyed Clay over the rim of the glass. The truth was that Erik enjoyed teasing Clay about his personal life whether there was any merit to his accusations or not, but when he thought he was onto something he was relentless. Most of the time Clay didn’t mind, in fact he usually found Erik’s inane accusations about his so-called top secret activities amusing. This wasn’t the first time Erik had come close to the truth, after all they’d known each other practically their whole lives. It was the first time Erik’s suspicions were potentially dangerous, though, and Clay knew that as soon as he admitted to hiding something it would be too late to go back.
When Clay didn’t answer Erik let out a soft sigh and set his drink down again, frowning thoughtfully at his friend as he thought out his plan of attack. “You should really talk about it, you know. It might make you feel better. Besides, you know you can trust me.”
“It’s not a matter of trust,” Clay answered, ignoring the twinge of guilt he felt at what bordered on a lie. “You’re wrong, Erik. Whether you want to admit it or not, it does happen from time to time.”
Erik’s laugh was infectious and Clay found himself smiling back at his friend in spite of his best efforts not to show any sort of emotion whatsoever. Erik was smiling at him affectionately, though, and Clay knew that was always a dangerous sign. “I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong about something, Clay. You know that. But you also know that I’m right about this. If I wasn’t you wouldn’t be trying so hard to avoid the subject.”
“I’m not trying to avoid anything,” Clay said, exasperation creeping back into his voice. “I’m trying to explain to you that there’s nothing to talk about. There is no unrequited love, there’s no man I’m secretly lusting after, there’s not even a passing interest in anyone. I’m too busy at work to think about my social life.”
“Now I know you’re lying,” Erik shot back triumphantly. “The only people that ever claim to be ‘too busy’ for sex are the ones that haven’t got any prospects. Now out with it. You’ll feel better once you tell me, I promise.”
“Oh, so now the fact that I don’t sleep around means I’m hiding something?”
“No.” Erik took a deep breath and shifted in his chair, regarding Clay as he would a rather slow child trying to fathom quantum physics. “You’ve always been a prude, we both know that. Still, the lack of sex would explain the mood you’ve been in lately. It’s something more than that, though, I can tell. I haven’t seen you work this hard to avoid the subject of your love life since the Will Hutchins Incident.”
Clay’s eyes widened and he felt heat creep into his cheeks at the mention of the name he tried not to think about. Even after all the years that had passed since he last saw Will Hutchins he still felt the humiliation just as much as he had the day he finally gave up on that particular crush. “I’m not avoiding anything,” he repeated, his voice surprisingly level considering the heat in his face. “And there’s no reason to bring up something that happened twenty years ago.”
“Clay, honey, you know I love you. It’s not your fault you have a thing for pretty boys, it’s just the way you’re wired. We all have our things. Me, I like a man with an artistic soul. Of course an ass you could bounce quarters off doesn’t hurt either…”
“Your point?” Clay interrupted him through clenched teeth. “Assuming you had one to begin with.”
“Ouch. Okay, okay, I’m sorry I brought up ‘The Incident’,” Erik said, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper as he made quotation marks in the air with his fingers. “The only reason I even mention it is because that’s exactly how you’re acting. If I didn’t know better I’d think it was old Will all over again.”
Clay rolled his eyes and promised himself he wasn’t going to lose his fragile grip on his temper. He knew that was exactly what Erik was hoping for, to push him far enough to get an angry confession out of him. The worst part was that his friend knew exactly how close he was to getting just that, and bringing up a painful unrequited crush from his past was exactly the button to push. Clay wasn’t willing to give him the satisfaction of reacting, though, at least not any more than he already had. Besides, this thing with Harm was completely different than his crush on Will Hutchins.
Okay, so there were some physical similarities between the two of them - Will had been a tall, muscular upperclassman during Clay’s first year at Kensington Prep, with dark hair that fell over his forehead and piercing green eyes. He shared Harm’s easy grin, the one that always made Clay’s knees weak. The similarities stopped there, however - while Harm was righteous to a fault and always ready to befriend anyone, Will had been spoiled and spiteful and generally feared by the entire population of their boarding school. Twenty years later Clay couldn’t even remember what he’d seen in the older boy other than a pretty face, but then again at fourteen that was usually more than enough.
He spent their entire freshman year following Will and his friends around like some kind of pathetic groupie, ignoring Erik’s warnings that he was only going to make a fool of himself if they ever noticed him. Of course Erik was right, but that wasn’t really the worst part of the memory. Eventually one of Will’s friends noticed him hanging around and they all took great pleasure in humiliating him for having a crush on the most popular senior at Kensington, but thankfully it all happened right before summer break and after a few months of nursing his wounded pride he’d learned to be more discreet about his crushes.
“Oh, now don’t go getting all woe-is-Clay on me,” Erik said, frowning as he watched his friend begin to brood. “Come on, Clayton, the suspense is killing me. Out with it already, just tell me who this mystery man is that’s got you all gloomy and morose.”
A resigned sigh escaped Clay’s throat before he could stop it, and he slumped a little further in his seat as he stared back at Erik. His best friend was practically dancing in his chair, he was so desperate for Clay to tell him whatever it was he was hiding. Clay considered taking pity on him and just admitting that there was someone, he didn’t actually have to mention Harm’s name. He certainly didn’t have to give Erik enough to help him figure out the connection between Clay and the man in the chat room. “Fine, if you must know, there’s someone I’m attracted to. But it’s not going anywhere so there’s no use discussing it.”
“There’s always a reason to discuss a cute guy,” Erik said, grinning as Clay finally gave him the lead-in he’d been looking for. “Let me guess: tall, dark, handsome, doesn’t know you’re alive?”
Clay smiled back indulgently, part of him almost wishing that were the truth. It would be so much easier if Harm didn’t know he was alive, that way he’d be able to convince himself it could never happen and get on with his life. After all, if he wanted to he could be in a relationship right now. He was a successful man and he certainly wasn’t a wallflower by any stretch of the imagination. He didn’t have Erik’s flair for drama or his penchant for flamboyant partners, but he wasn’t sitting at home nights nursing his lonely heart. Not until recently, anyway, when he’d let this thing with Harm get a little too personal for his comfort.
Going to Russia to bring Sergei back had been the culmination of his feelings spiraling out of control, he knew that now. At the time it had been easy to explain it away, but now, knowing what it had meant to Harm…he flushed again and cleared his throat, squirming uncomfortably in his seat. “Not exactly,” he finally answered, earning him a sharp glance from Erik. “Tall and handsome, yes. But he definitely knows I’m alive.”
“I cannot believe you’ve been seeing someone and you never said anything. I have half a mind to leave right now and go sleep at the gallery until my apartment’s done. Do I mean nothing to you?”
“Don’t be such a drama queen, Erik,” Clay said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening to them before he turned back to his friend.
“I know you didn’t just call me a queen,” Erik snapped, his bottom lip stuck out in a pout that always reminded Clay of the first time they met. Eight years old and both of them terrified at the prospect of starting their first year at boarding school, they came from the same suburb of Baltimore and that had seemed like as good a reason as any to strike up a friendship. After their first year they were inseparable, and Clay was as thankful as Erik that they’d never gotten involved over the years. Not that he’d never thought about it, Erik was a beautiful kid with honey blonde hair and blue eyes that always held a hint of mischief. His mother always said they balanced each other, that Clay was too serious and Erik not serious enough but together they somehow managed to find a balance between hopeless workaholic and reckless bad boy.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” Clay hissed in a muted tone, suddenly wishing he’d never started talking about his thing for Harm in the first place. There was no way Erik was going to leave it alone now, and the last thing he needed was for Erik to put two and two together and start meddling. Clay knew all too well that Erik fancied himself some sort of matchmaker, he’d been at the receiving end of enough impromptu blind dates to be terrified at the prospect of Erik getting anywhere near Harm if he found out who he was. “Look, I’m not seeing anyone, alright? That’s just it, it’s not going to happen. It’s just someone I know through work channels.”
Erik pouted for another few seconds before he sighed and leaned forward again, a smirk turning up the corners of his mouth as he met Clay’s gaze. “You know who you sound like? Our little internet friend.”
“Well you’re the one that was so convinced we’re soul mates,” Clay muttered before he could stop himself. As soon as he heard the words come out of his mouth he snapped his jaw shut, hoping to God Erik wouldn’t read the panic on his face.
“True. Unfortunately for you our friend already has a soul mate, or I’d fix you two up and let him help you get over this unrequited love of yours. So who is he? A senator? Maybe a scruffy FBI agent. Oh, I know. It’s a spy for the KGB or something, isn’t it? Forbidden love, it’s so romantic.”
Clay rolled his eyes again and instantly regretted taking back the ‘queen’ statement. Only Erik would come up with something as convoluted as Clay and some foreign spy in a twisted James Bond-like version of a romance novel. “The KGB doesn’t even exist anymore, for your information,” he said, grinning in spite of himself at Erik’s crestfallen expression. “And I assure you, it’s nothing quite so glamorous as that. He’s just someone I run into from time to time. We share a few acquaintances.”
“Hmm.” Erik frowned thoughtfully and Clay bristled under his gaze, unconsciously flushing a little more as he wondered if he’d said too much. There was no telling with Erik, for all his histrionics he definitely wasn’t a stupid man.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing, just ‘hmm’,” Erik answered, his face a mask of complete innocence. Now Clay was definitely worried - the only time Erik looked like a naïve twelve-year-old boy was when he was up to something. “Anyway that’s very sad. Are you sure you haven’t got a chance?”
“Positive,” Clay answered, nodding for emphasis. He hated to lie, but the fact that Harm was interested in him didn’t change the circumstances. Nothing could change the fact that they worked together, not to mention the fact that a relationship with Clay could cost Harm his career. He wouldn’t put himself in a situation like that, let alone someone he cared about. The second he admitted to himself that he cared about Harm he paled, all the color draining from his face as he looked down at the table. He could feel Erik’s eyes still on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up and see the pity in his friend’s expression. It was hopeless, he’d lived with that for years now and there was no reason he couldn’t go on living with it. He’d just find someone else to get involved with, someone intelligent enough to distract him from the fact that he was trying to forget Harmon Rabb.
“You poor thing,” Erik said, reaching across the table to pat his friend’s hand in what Clay could only assume was meant to be a comforting gesture. “You could be wrong, you know. Look at our internet friend, he thought his crush was hopeless too until Christmas. I bet he never thought his guy would care about him enough to bring him a full-grown Russian for Christmas.”
Clay laughed and looked up again, some of the tension easing out of him as he listened to Erik’s description of his gift. He knew his friend was only trying to cheer him up, he couldn’t know that Harm and his reaction to Clay’s gift was the problem. The past two days listening to Erik talk about Harm’s evident feelings for him had made Clay hope for the first time, given him reason to think that something could happen. He didn’t want that kind of hope, he’d been carefully avoiding it for a long time because he knew how dangerous it was. Knowing that Harm could be his for the asking made it that much harder, because he knew that even if they did get involved it couldn’t last.
“Well I didn’t get any family members in my stocking this year,” Clay said, grinning at the look that earned him. “Look, Erik, I appreciate you trying to help but talking about it isn’t doing anybody any good. It’s just a passing attraction, no big deal. Once I start dating again I’ll forget all about it.”
“Sure you will,” Erik said, his tone letting Clay know that he didn’t believe that for a second. He knew unrequited love when he saw it, and he knew Clay better than anyone in the world except possibly his mother. There was no way this was just going to go away because he wanted it to, but Erik knew there was no sense pushing it. Once Clay was done talking about a subject that was it, and he didn’t want to make his friend feel any worse than he already did. “You’re probably too good for him anyway, you’re too good for everyone. Anyway pretty boys are so unpredictable. Now doctors, on the other hand - their schedules are horrible, I know, but they can always afford such nice toys. I know just the guy for you, I’m calling him tomorrow.”
Clay smiled and didn’t bother to argue, knowing it wouldn’t do him a bit of good. Anyway a blind date might not be such a bad idea, it would distract him at least and maybe he could get Harm’s face and his low, rich voice out of his head for a little while. And if that didn’t work he could always find himself a nice, long assignment out of the country, tracking down criminals that had been on the books for too long. Something had to work, because if he didn’t get Harm out of his system soon he was going to do something they’d all regret.
Fandom: JAG
Pairing: Rabb/Webb
Rating: PG
Summary: Part 4 of the Connections Series.
“Okay, start talking,” Erik demanded, leaning across the small table at the back of Clay’s favorite restaurant.
Clay rolled his eyes in what had become a knee-jerk response to Erik’s perpetual curiosity about his personal life. No matter how many times he tried to explain to his best friend that his life was as mundane as anyone else’s, Erik refused to believe that he wasn’t constantly hiding some dangerous or romantic secret. He wasn’t really hiding anything, at least that’s what he’d been telling himself since Erik dragged him out for dinner and started asking leading questions. He hadn’t told his friend about Harm because he’d been trying to convince himself for years that he didn’t have feelings for the man, only the past two days had pretty much blown seven years’ worth of denial right out of the water. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“Please, Clayton, I think after thirty years of friendship I know you better than that,” Erik said, waving his hand dismissively. “You’ve got a crush and you’re holding out on me.”
“I think you’re confusing me with the strange men you’ve been picking up on the internet,” Clay answered, struggling to keep his expression neutral as he thought of Erik befriending Harm. Of all the people for him to stumble upon, he had to find the one man that Clay didn’t need to be thinking about. It was all just too close to the truth for him to deal with, and the thought of Harm pining for him…he shook his head to chase that thought away and looked back up at his friend.
“Your job has really taken its toll on you,” Erik said, a note of sadness in his voice. “All those years of playing spy games, it was bound to happen. I tried to warn you back in college.”
Clay laughed at the memory of all the times Erik had done exactly that, hours spent on the phone trying to talk Clay out of following in his parents’ footsteps. That was part of the reason Clay’s parents had encouraged their friendship so much, part of it was feeling sorry for Erik growing up in his own house but he had a sneaking suspicion that Porter had invited Erik over all the time in the hope that he’d succeed in talking Clay out of a life in espionage. “My job has nothing to do with my personal life, Erik. You dream up more thrilling scenarios for my life than I could begin to imagine.”
“You can sit there and talk in your little circles all night but I’m not buying it, my friend.” Erik leaned back and picked up his wine spritzer, sipping carefully as he eyed Clay over the rim of the glass. The truth was that Erik enjoyed teasing Clay about his personal life whether there was any merit to his accusations or not, but when he thought he was onto something he was relentless. Most of the time Clay didn’t mind, in fact he usually found Erik’s inane accusations about his so-called top secret activities amusing. This wasn’t the first time Erik had come close to the truth, after all they’d known each other practically their whole lives. It was the first time Erik’s suspicions were potentially dangerous, though, and Clay knew that as soon as he admitted to hiding something it would be too late to go back.
When Clay didn’t answer Erik let out a soft sigh and set his drink down again, frowning thoughtfully at his friend as he thought out his plan of attack. “You should really talk about it, you know. It might make you feel better. Besides, you know you can trust me.”
“It’s not a matter of trust,” Clay answered, ignoring the twinge of guilt he felt at what bordered on a lie. “You’re wrong, Erik. Whether you want to admit it or not, it does happen from time to time.”
Erik’s laugh was infectious and Clay found himself smiling back at his friend in spite of his best efforts not to show any sort of emotion whatsoever. Erik was smiling at him affectionately, though, and Clay knew that was always a dangerous sign. “I’m the first to admit when I’m wrong about something, Clay. You know that. But you also know that I’m right about this. If I wasn’t you wouldn’t be trying so hard to avoid the subject.”
“I’m not trying to avoid anything,” Clay said, exasperation creeping back into his voice. “I’m trying to explain to you that there’s nothing to talk about. There is no unrequited love, there’s no man I’m secretly lusting after, there’s not even a passing interest in anyone. I’m too busy at work to think about my social life.”
“Now I know you’re lying,” Erik shot back triumphantly. “The only people that ever claim to be ‘too busy’ for sex are the ones that haven’t got any prospects. Now out with it. You’ll feel better once you tell me, I promise.”
“Oh, so now the fact that I don’t sleep around means I’m hiding something?”
“No.” Erik took a deep breath and shifted in his chair, regarding Clay as he would a rather slow child trying to fathom quantum physics. “You’ve always been a prude, we both know that. Still, the lack of sex would explain the mood you’ve been in lately. It’s something more than that, though, I can tell. I haven’t seen you work this hard to avoid the subject of your love life since the Will Hutchins Incident.”
Clay’s eyes widened and he felt heat creep into his cheeks at the mention of the name he tried not to think about. Even after all the years that had passed since he last saw Will Hutchins he still felt the humiliation just as much as he had the day he finally gave up on that particular crush. “I’m not avoiding anything,” he repeated, his voice surprisingly level considering the heat in his face. “And there’s no reason to bring up something that happened twenty years ago.”
“Clay, honey, you know I love you. It’s not your fault you have a thing for pretty boys, it’s just the way you’re wired. We all have our things. Me, I like a man with an artistic soul. Of course an ass you could bounce quarters off doesn’t hurt either…”
“Your point?” Clay interrupted him through clenched teeth. “Assuming you had one to begin with.”
“Ouch. Okay, okay, I’m sorry I brought up ‘The Incident’,” Erik said, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper as he made quotation marks in the air with his fingers. “The only reason I even mention it is because that’s exactly how you’re acting. If I didn’t know better I’d think it was old Will all over again.”
Clay rolled his eyes and promised himself he wasn’t going to lose his fragile grip on his temper. He knew that was exactly what Erik was hoping for, to push him far enough to get an angry confession out of him. The worst part was that his friend knew exactly how close he was to getting just that, and bringing up a painful unrequited crush from his past was exactly the button to push. Clay wasn’t willing to give him the satisfaction of reacting, though, at least not any more than he already had. Besides, this thing with Harm was completely different than his crush on Will Hutchins.
Okay, so there were some physical similarities between the two of them - Will had been a tall, muscular upperclassman during Clay’s first year at Kensington Prep, with dark hair that fell over his forehead and piercing green eyes. He shared Harm’s easy grin, the one that always made Clay’s knees weak. The similarities stopped there, however - while Harm was righteous to a fault and always ready to befriend anyone, Will had been spoiled and spiteful and generally feared by the entire population of their boarding school. Twenty years later Clay couldn’t even remember what he’d seen in the older boy other than a pretty face, but then again at fourteen that was usually more than enough.
He spent their entire freshman year following Will and his friends around like some kind of pathetic groupie, ignoring Erik’s warnings that he was only going to make a fool of himself if they ever noticed him. Of course Erik was right, but that wasn’t really the worst part of the memory. Eventually one of Will’s friends noticed him hanging around and they all took great pleasure in humiliating him for having a crush on the most popular senior at Kensington, but thankfully it all happened right before summer break and after a few months of nursing his wounded pride he’d learned to be more discreet about his crushes.
“Oh, now don’t go getting all woe-is-Clay on me,” Erik said, frowning as he watched his friend begin to brood. “Come on, Clayton, the suspense is killing me. Out with it already, just tell me who this mystery man is that’s got you all gloomy and morose.”
A resigned sigh escaped Clay’s throat before he could stop it, and he slumped a little further in his seat as he stared back at Erik. His best friend was practically dancing in his chair, he was so desperate for Clay to tell him whatever it was he was hiding. Clay considered taking pity on him and just admitting that there was someone, he didn’t actually have to mention Harm’s name. He certainly didn’t have to give Erik enough to help him figure out the connection between Clay and the man in the chat room. “Fine, if you must know, there’s someone I’m attracted to. But it’s not going anywhere so there’s no use discussing it.”
“There’s always a reason to discuss a cute guy,” Erik said, grinning as Clay finally gave him the lead-in he’d been looking for. “Let me guess: tall, dark, handsome, doesn’t know you’re alive?”
Clay smiled back indulgently, part of him almost wishing that were the truth. It would be so much easier if Harm didn’t know he was alive, that way he’d be able to convince himself it could never happen and get on with his life. After all, if he wanted to he could be in a relationship right now. He was a successful man and he certainly wasn’t a wallflower by any stretch of the imagination. He didn’t have Erik’s flair for drama or his penchant for flamboyant partners, but he wasn’t sitting at home nights nursing his lonely heart. Not until recently, anyway, when he’d let this thing with Harm get a little too personal for his comfort.
Going to Russia to bring Sergei back had been the culmination of his feelings spiraling out of control, he knew that now. At the time it had been easy to explain it away, but now, knowing what it had meant to Harm…he flushed again and cleared his throat, squirming uncomfortably in his seat. “Not exactly,” he finally answered, earning him a sharp glance from Erik. “Tall and handsome, yes. But he definitely knows I’m alive.”
“I cannot believe you’ve been seeing someone and you never said anything. I have half a mind to leave right now and go sleep at the gallery until my apartment’s done. Do I mean nothing to you?”
“Don’t be such a drama queen, Erik,” Clay said, glancing around to make sure no one was listening to them before he turned back to his friend.
“I know you didn’t just call me a queen,” Erik snapped, his bottom lip stuck out in a pout that always reminded Clay of the first time they met. Eight years old and both of them terrified at the prospect of starting their first year at boarding school, they came from the same suburb of Baltimore and that had seemed like as good a reason as any to strike up a friendship. After their first year they were inseparable, and Clay was as thankful as Erik that they’d never gotten involved over the years. Not that he’d never thought about it, Erik was a beautiful kid with honey blonde hair and blue eyes that always held a hint of mischief. His mother always said they balanced each other, that Clay was too serious and Erik not serious enough but together they somehow managed to find a balance between hopeless workaholic and reckless bad boy.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” Clay hissed in a muted tone, suddenly wishing he’d never started talking about his thing for Harm in the first place. There was no way Erik was going to leave it alone now, and the last thing he needed was for Erik to put two and two together and start meddling. Clay knew all too well that Erik fancied himself some sort of matchmaker, he’d been at the receiving end of enough impromptu blind dates to be terrified at the prospect of Erik getting anywhere near Harm if he found out who he was. “Look, I’m not seeing anyone, alright? That’s just it, it’s not going to happen. It’s just someone I know through work channels.”
Erik pouted for another few seconds before he sighed and leaned forward again, a smirk turning up the corners of his mouth as he met Clay’s gaze. “You know who you sound like? Our little internet friend.”
“Well you’re the one that was so convinced we’re soul mates,” Clay muttered before he could stop himself. As soon as he heard the words come out of his mouth he snapped his jaw shut, hoping to God Erik wouldn’t read the panic on his face.
“True. Unfortunately for you our friend already has a soul mate, or I’d fix you two up and let him help you get over this unrequited love of yours. So who is he? A senator? Maybe a scruffy FBI agent. Oh, I know. It’s a spy for the KGB or something, isn’t it? Forbidden love, it’s so romantic.”
Clay rolled his eyes again and instantly regretted taking back the ‘queen’ statement. Only Erik would come up with something as convoluted as Clay and some foreign spy in a twisted James Bond-like version of a romance novel. “The KGB doesn’t even exist anymore, for your information,” he said, grinning in spite of himself at Erik’s crestfallen expression. “And I assure you, it’s nothing quite so glamorous as that. He’s just someone I run into from time to time. We share a few acquaintances.”
“Hmm.” Erik frowned thoughtfully and Clay bristled under his gaze, unconsciously flushing a little more as he wondered if he’d said too much. There was no telling with Erik, for all his histrionics he definitely wasn’t a stupid man.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing, just ‘hmm’,” Erik answered, his face a mask of complete innocence. Now Clay was definitely worried - the only time Erik looked like a naïve twelve-year-old boy was when he was up to something. “Anyway that’s very sad. Are you sure you haven’t got a chance?”
“Positive,” Clay answered, nodding for emphasis. He hated to lie, but the fact that Harm was interested in him didn’t change the circumstances. Nothing could change the fact that they worked together, not to mention the fact that a relationship with Clay could cost Harm his career. He wouldn’t put himself in a situation like that, let alone someone he cared about. The second he admitted to himself that he cared about Harm he paled, all the color draining from his face as he looked down at the table. He could feel Erik’s eyes still on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up and see the pity in his friend’s expression. It was hopeless, he’d lived with that for years now and there was no reason he couldn’t go on living with it. He’d just find someone else to get involved with, someone intelligent enough to distract him from the fact that he was trying to forget Harmon Rabb.
“You poor thing,” Erik said, reaching across the table to pat his friend’s hand in what Clay could only assume was meant to be a comforting gesture. “You could be wrong, you know. Look at our internet friend, he thought his crush was hopeless too until Christmas. I bet he never thought his guy would care about him enough to bring him a full-grown Russian for Christmas.”
Clay laughed and looked up again, some of the tension easing out of him as he listened to Erik’s description of his gift. He knew his friend was only trying to cheer him up, he couldn’t know that Harm and his reaction to Clay’s gift was the problem. The past two days listening to Erik talk about Harm’s evident feelings for him had made Clay hope for the first time, given him reason to think that something could happen. He didn’t want that kind of hope, he’d been carefully avoiding it for a long time because he knew how dangerous it was. Knowing that Harm could be his for the asking made it that much harder, because he knew that even if they did get involved it couldn’t last.
“Well I didn’t get any family members in my stocking this year,” Clay said, grinning at the look that earned him. “Look, Erik, I appreciate you trying to help but talking about it isn’t doing anybody any good. It’s just a passing attraction, no big deal. Once I start dating again I’ll forget all about it.”
“Sure you will,” Erik said, his tone letting Clay know that he didn’t believe that for a second. He knew unrequited love when he saw it, and he knew Clay better than anyone in the world except possibly his mother. There was no way this was just going to go away because he wanted it to, but Erik knew there was no sense pushing it. Once Clay was done talking about a subject that was it, and he didn’t want to make his friend feel any worse than he already did. “You’re probably too good for him anyway, you’re too good for everyone. Anyway pretty boys are so unpredictable. Now doctors, on the other hand - their schedules are horrible, I know, but they can always afford such nice toys. I know just the guy for you, I’m calling him tomorrow.”
Clay smiled and didn’t bother to argue, knowing it wouldn’t do him a bit of good. Anyway a blind date might not be such a bad idea, it would distract him at least and maybe he could get Harm’s face and his low, rich voice out of his head for a little while. And if that didn’t work he could always find himself a nice, long assignment out of the country, tracking down criminals that had been on the books for too long. Something had to work, because if he didn’t get Harm out of his system soon he was going to do something they’d all regret.