FIC: WHEN OUR FRAMES COLLIDE 10a/16
Title: When Our Frames Collide
Chapter: 10a/16 - Where Have You Been, My Blue-Eyed Son?
Author: carolinablu85. or you can call me Ella! (or you can call me Al, if you like the song...)
Characters: Luke/Noah, Lily, the Miller family, Holden, Emma, Marcus, Ethan, Natalie, Maddie, Jade (oh my god, I did a whole chapter without Casey?! What?!)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: sequel to my fic "Sins of the Father," refers to lots of things that happened in that story, takes place a few months later!
Summary: The Snyders meet the Millers, Noah talks to Marcus, Luke talks to Maddie, CLIFFHANGER!
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cellphone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
Author's Note: This chapter's title is brought to you by the song "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" by Bob Dylan (though Jason Mraz does a surprisingly awesome cover too!)
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8 / Chapter 9 /
Luke entered the barn, smiling instinctively at the smell and sounds of the place. Noah may love the pond, Natalie and Ethan had the backyard with its tree house, but for Luke there was nothing more special than the barn. For him it was like stepping into Narnia or Shangri-La.
Unfortunately, even the magical healing powers of the barn couldn’t calm his nerves today. He headed over to the third stall on the right, smiling again a few seconds later when Eastwood finally poked his head over the wooden slats. He rubbed a hand gently along the horse’s nose. “Are you going to stay in there forever?” he asked quietly, only slightly teasing.
There was a tiny shifting sound from inside the stall. “Yes.” Noah’s voice was also quiet, and just this side of petulant.
Luke chuckled softly and eased his way into the stall. Noah was sitting with his back against the wood, legs pulled up to his chest. Luke settled down next to him, resting their shoulders against each other. “The Millers are going to be here any minute,” he whispered, as Eastwood snorted and went to investigate the pile of hay on the other side of the enclosure.
Noah nodded, but kept picking at an imaginary hole in his jeans. After another minute of silence he spoke up with, “I’m not ready.”
Luke reached out, skimmed his hand across the back of Noah’s head, playing with his hair. “I hate to break it to you,” he pointed out gently, “but you may never be ready.” Noah bowed his head, but Luke kept his hand where it was. “It won’t be that bad, love. I’ll be with you the whole time, and Mom and Dad are here too, and Emma…”
“Yeah,” he was still so quiet.
“And Jack and Lucinda are just a phone call away. They’re on standby if for some reason this needs bouncers or bodyguards,” he bumped Noah’s shoulder playfully.
Noah rewarded him with a smile and a shake of his head, wrapping his arm around Luke and pulling him in as close as possible. “I know. It’s just… I’m, I’m nervous. In that, um, terrified sort of way? None of us know what we’re getting into here.”
Luke rubbed Noah’s leg, feeling how tense he was. “Hey, it’s not like anyone’s completely in the dark, right? I mean, you talked to them on the phone, and that went okay.”
Noah laughed a little, remembering that awkwardness. They had coordinated it through Jack and the detectives in Augusta, which helped, but really… there’s no way to prepare for a Hi-I’m-your-long-lost-son-who-was-kidnapped-nineteen-years-ago-and-by-the-way-I’m-gay-so-how-are-you?-phone call. Considering all that, it had gone surprisingly well. “Yeah, I guess it did. And they didn’t freak out when I suggested meeting at my boyfriend’s family’s farm. But then, Mrs. Miller was crying so much she would’ve agreed to anything.”
He stopped suddenly, and Luke leaned in even more, poking him. “What is it?”
He turned to Luke, eyes a little wide, blushing. “What am I supposed to call them? How do I refer to them? Mr. and Mrs. Miller? That’s too, like, formal, isn’t it? Wouldn’t that upset them? But I can’t call them…” he shook his head again. “And what if…”
“What if what?” Luke prompted, knowing it always took Noah a little while to get to the heart of the matter, what he was really afraid of.
Noah didn’t answer for a moment. “Have you figured out any more about Damian and the bribes?”
Luke gave him a stern look, knowing it was a distraction. But he went with it anyway. “Nothing new.” He’d spent the whole week since discovering the bribery trying to get together some real proof. “I’ve gone through every record I can think of, but all I’ve got is a giant pile of circumstantial evidence. Damian’s really good at covering his tracks, for the most part.”
Noah shrugged. “You found out, though. So he hasn’t covered everything.”
“Yeah, but I can’t do anything without solid proof or a confession from one of them,” Luke griped.
“Confession?” Noah echoed, frowning. “Luke, you don’t get the confession, the cops do. You’re not going to get yourself into trouble, are you?”
“Damian would never hurt me,” Luke reassured him.
Noah gave him an ‘oh, come on!’ look. “Maybe. But he can get a little misguided, you can’t deny that. And somehow I doubt the Port Authority guy really loves you like Damian does.” His grip on Luke tightened. “Just… be careful, please? Go to the cops before you try to solve this case on your own, Hutch.”
He smacked Noah’s arm with a grin. “Shut up.”
Noah’s voice grew tentative. “You could, um, you could always talk to your parents about this. Holden, maybe?”
Luke just gave him a look. “Yeah, that would go so well.” He shook his head before Noah could argue. “I can’t yet. I’m not going to take the ‘I told you so’ lecture until I have proof I deserve it.”
Noah scrunched up one side of his face uncertainly. Luke could tell how badly Noah wanted to say something- anything- about him and Holden. But he didn’t. “Okay. I guess.”
They sat quietly for a second, watching Eastwood snack in the other corner. Luke tapped on Noah’s knee. “You ready to talk to me now? Tell me what’s really bothering you?”
Noah drew his legs up even closer to his chest, folding inwards a little bit. “What if… what if they don’t like me?”
“What?” Luke really hadn’t expected this.
“What if they decide I’m not what they want?” Noah spoke into his knees. “They’re going to find out everything about me. Not just that I’m gay, but everything. How I grew up, how I ended up coming out, everything that happened last year with the Colonel and Alan…” he only stumbled over the name a little. “And oh yeah, I’m in therapy, I have panic attacks, I don’t deal well with hospital rooms, all my issues… Luke, what if they decide I’m more trouble than I’m worth?”
Luke winced, at both the self-loathing in Noah’s voice and at the phrase he used. The Colonel had once used that same phrase to describe Noah, and Luke had hated it ever since. “No,” he said adamantly, moving in front of him, forcing him to meet his eyes. “That won’t happen. These people aren’t here to take you out on a test drive and then decide if they want to keep you. They’re here because you’re their family, and they’ve missed you for nineteen years.”
Noah just looked at him for a bit, face almost blank except for his eyes, which were raging with what seemed like a thousand different emotions. Too many for Luke to track. But luckily he didn’t need to, because a second later Noah was leaning forward, pressing his lips lightly to Luke’s. “And no matter what, I’ve got you, right?”
Luke mock-glared. “Like you even have to ask.” They both stood and, at the same time, started to brush hay of each other’s shirts. Noah’s hands lingered on Luke’s back, holding him close again. Luke smiled into Noah’s shoulder. “You’re worth a lot,” he said quietly. He felt Noah nod against him, so he stood back a little, straightening the collar of Noah’s shirt. “Come on,” he said, “It’s time to go meet your family.”
************
The sound of a car pulling up the gravel driveway caused Lily to look up quickly, her book dropping from suddenly nerveless fingers. This was it. She stood up from her seat on the porch, watching as the car came to a stop, parked behind her own. Standing at the screen door, she had to hold tightly to the wooden frame as the family emerged.
They all looked exactly like she had pictured and not at all. The first thing she noticed was that she could see Noah in each of them. Both men, Eric and Justin (she memorized their names), had that similar build- a swimmer’s build, she had always called it- and dark, slightly curly hair.
The daughter Krista had Noah’s face and his inquisitive, take-everything-in air to her. And Autumn, the poor mother… even with her blonde hair, she had those blue eyes Noah was Oakdale-famous for, and she also seemed to have that hesitancy at being in a new situation. She was even biting her lower lip. It was all so ‘Noah’ that Lily thought she might cry.
She stepped out from the porch into the driveway, plastering a welcoming and not at all awkward smile on her face. “Hi,” she came forward with a wave. “Welcome to Oakdale.” She held out her hand to the nearest person, which happened to be Mr. Miller. “Lily Snyder, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Hello,” Eric’s smile was nervous but excited too. Lily couldn’t blame him. “Eric Miller. And I really can’t tell you how nice it is to meet you too.”
She laughed a little. “We’re glad to have you.” She smiled at the other three, who looked slightly more hesitant than he did. “And you must be Krista, Justin, and Autumn. It really is wonderful to have you all here.” She gestured to the house. “If you’d like to come in, my mother-in-law is just about to make some lunch for everyone.”
She noticed all four of them looking around, searching for something, even as they followed her towards the porch. Autumn finally cleared her throat. “Um, is…?”
Lily smiled gently. “Noah’s out in the barn right now. He’ll be here in a minute, he’s just…” she trailed off, unsure of what to say. Should they know how terrified Noah was right now?
Fortunately, the daughter- Krista- offered up another smile of her own. “Yeah, I think we’re all ‘just,’ too.”
Lily laughed again, relieved. “He’ll be here in a minute,” she repeated.
Holden appeared in the doorway to the house then, smiling and acting about as aw-shucks!-farmboy as he possibly could. Lily would have teased him if she didn’t know he was trying to put the family even more at ease, for Noah’s sake.
She caught Autumn glancing back towards the barn, lingering on the porch as the others followed Holden into the kitchen. “Would you like to wait out here with me?” she asked the woman quietly.
Autumn turned (Noah’s) blue eyes towards her, blushing at having been caught. “That would be… Is that, is that okay if I do? It won’t upset him, will it?”
Lily smiled wider. “I think it’ll be fine.” She sat back in her original seat, patting the cushion next to her. When Autumn was next to her, she took a deep, readying breath. “Before you see him, there’s something I think I need to tell you. Because when you see Noah, you might react because of it, and he’ll probably misinterpret that-”
“Because of what?” Autumn asked warily.
“You’ve already seen him,” Lily admitted in a rush, trying to get it all out as quickly as possible. “Noah was in Augusta last week, and he accidentally ran into you and your husband. At a coffee shop, I think? He wasn’t-”
“That was him?” Autumn gasped. “Tall, dark hair?” At Lily’s nod, tears started to fill her eyes. “That, that beautiful boy? That’s my Andrew?” Lily nodded again, putting a hand comfortingly on the woman’s arm, squeezing gently. “And the blond boy who was with him, was that your son?”
“No,” Lily laughed a little bit. “That was their friend Casey.” Growing serious again, “I just want you to know, Noah didn’t have an agenda when he went to Augusta. Running into you was an accident. He had just found out everything, he panicked, I think he wanted to see the house- your old house? He just wanted to see it.” Her voice grew insistent. “He wasn’t spying or withholding information from you, not on purpose. Noah usually processes things in stages, very much in his own head. He-”
“He knew?” she whispered, hand coming close to covering her mouth but not quite. “When he, we, when we saw him? That’s why he was so-?”
Lily felt herself growing defensive. “He wasn’t trying to keep a secret or anything, he just wasn’t processing things at that point. He would never do anything like that. Don’t think that he’s…” and she trailed off, realizing how she sounded. She took another deep breath. “I’m sorry. It’s just that, Noah’s about the sweetest kid I’ve ever met, and I get a little overprotective sometimes. He’s been through so much, more than you know. I don’t want to see him upset or hurt, I’m sorry.”
“No, no,” Autumn grabbed her hand. “I didn’t mean to imply anything like that, not at all. I should be thanking you, for taking care of him, for giving him a home and a family, for keeping him safe for us.”
Lily was about to deny that- the Millers didn’t know everything that had happened last year- but before she could say anything Autumn’s breath had caught in her throat, her eyes focused on something beyond Lily’s shoulder. Lily turned, already knowing what it was.
Luke and Noah appeared just outside the barn, walking together closely and holding hands tightly. It took about two seconds for Noah to spot them, and it immediately brought him to a standstill. If it weren’t for Luke there beside him, Lily was pretty sure Noah would have either stayed there forever or made a run for it. She watched her son put his hand on Noah’s lower back and give him a push forward.
Lily had to give Autumn Miller a lot of credit; by the time Noah and Luke made it onto the porch, she had pulled herself together, eyes dry and face calm. A small smile on her face.
There was a moment or two of silence once the boys made it onto the porch, until (of course) Luke couldn’t stand it and took one more step forward, holding out his hand and flashing that you-can’t-help-but-love-me-smile. “Hi, Mrs. Miller. I’m Luke.”
Autumn looked a little startled, but again she recovered remarkably well, smiling warmly at him. “Hello Luke, it’s wonderful to meet you.” She shook his hand, though her eyes strayed quickly back to Noah.
Lily smiled proudly at Luke and then pulled him over to the side, out of the way. This moment wasn’t really about them. They both watched as Autumn approached Noah, looking him over, taking everything in. For his part, Noah looked absolutely petrified, but he was breathing slowly and standing still, and Lily was more than a little proud of him too.
But even she was surprised when Noah made the next move, offering up a small smile. “H-hi,” he stammered out. He looked like he wanted to say more, but had no idea what that should be.
Maybe Autumn sensed that too, because her expression softened as she once again extended her hand. “Hi Noah. I’m Autumn.”
Noah stared down at her hand for a second before taking it in his. His smile melted into something more genuine, and Autumn couldn’t seem to hold it back any longer. She threw her arms around Noah and pulled him into a hug. Panic flashed across his face for a moment- a moment in which Lily had to hold Luke back from interrupting- but then he pushed it away and returned the embrace. Both Lily and Luke relaxed then, stepping forward again.
When the hug was over, Luke and Noah unconsciously came back together, reaching for each other’s hands. Autumn kept her hand on Noah’s other arm, unable to break contact completely, and Noah didn’t pull away. Lily let the hope from that build in her, opening the door to the kitchen and motioning for them to go inside.
Of course, Noah’s feet stopped working again the second he was inside, confronted with the rest of the family. His family, Lily reminded herself. And of course, Luke again was the one to push him forward, Autumn right next to him. Lily realized then that they had probably done the smartest thing by having Autumn meet him first, breaking the ice so to speak.
By unspoken agreement or some sort of Snyder-mindmeld, Holden and Emma joined her and Luke by the refrigerator, allowing Autumn to keep her hold on Noah’s arm and bring him over to the others. Allowing the Millers to have a quasi-private moment with him. (Because only having four onlookers was definitely considered a private moment in the Snyder household.)
“How’s he doing?” Holden asked quietly as introductions were once again made, this time for Noah himself.
Lily turned to her husband. “Okay, I think. Considering. What do you think?” she turned to Luke.
Luke didn’t dare take his eyes off Noah. “I have no idea,” he admitted. “He’s scared they’re going to reject him,” he kept his voice at a whisper.
Lily closed her eyes and shook her head, even as Emma let out a whispered, “What? How on earth…?”
Luke shrugged. “You know him, Grandma. He’s still scared that we’re going to reject him sometimes.” He offered up a smile. “But at least he actually told me he was scared. And he managed to get out of the barn and into the kitchen without freaking out. So I think he’s going to be okay.”
Hope so, they all unknowingly thought together. Emma shook herself free of those thoughts and opened the fridge, pulling out the fixings for sandwiches. “Well, I might as well get lunch started. Everyone must be hungry.” Lily caught Holden’s eye and they both smiled. Emma would never let go of the food-heals-all-wounds concept.
“Actually…” the four Snyders jumped, startled, when Eric came forward, having heard Emma’s last comment. He smiled apologetically at them. “Would it be alright if my wife and I, well,” he glanced back at Noah. “We were hoping Andr- Noah, we were hoping Noah would like to go for a walk with us. Just the three of us.”
Lily immediately looked to Noah for his reaction. His eyes widened and he hesitated before answering, though she could see he wasn’t actually against the idea. Noah looked at all of them, his face growing the most uncertain when he looked at his siblings. His older brother and sister. This is going to take some getting used to, Lily thought to herself yet again.
Krista Miller smiled at Noah, like she was trying to encourage him, and then turned to Emma. “Do you need help getting lunch together, Mrs. Snyder? Justin and I can help you,” she lightly elbowed her brother.
Justin, who Lily hadn’t yet heard speak, cleared his throat awkwardly. “Yeah. Yeah, we can help.” Lily almost laughed because, just like Noah, Justin’s voice seemed to get more high-pitched the more uncomfortable he was.
Emma positively beamed at the offer of help, and Lily wondered if Krista knew how many brownie points she had just scored. Possibly, if she had Noah’s DNA. Noah always seemed to know what gesture to make.
Except, apparently, right now. He approached Lily and Luke, with the Millers right behind him, still so hesitant. “Is it okay?” he asked the Snyders. “If, if I go?”
Lily was about to smile, reassure him, but Luke had other ideas. He loudly rolled his eyes with an exaggerated sigh. He opened his mouth to say something-
“Shut up,” Noah cut in before Luke could say anything snarky.
“You shut up,” Luke nudged his shoulder. From behind Noah, Eric stifled a quiet laugh, and it seemed like everyone relaxed a little more.
Lily touched Noah’s hand, getting his attention. “We’ll have lunch ready by the time you get back,” she promised.
Holden reappeared next to her. “Why don’t you show them the pond? It’s a nice day out for walk around there.”
Noah looked at all of them gratefully, gave a short nod. “Okay, yeah. Thanks.” He turned back to Autumn and Eric, fidgeting just a little. “I guess, um, let’s go?” He started to lead them out, opening the door for them, but then turned back to Luke. “Luke…”
He didn’t need to say anything else. Luke came forward, wrapped his arms around Noah. “Hey,” he said quietly at first, before whispering something in Noah’s ear that Lily couldn’t make out. Noah nodded against Luke’s shoulder, kissed him very very quickly, and then disappeared out onto the porch.
************
Luke let the screen door bang shut behind him so the man standing near the corral had plenty of warning that he was approaching. He came to a stop near the wooden fence, keeping one eye on the path to the pond and one eye on Justin. The guy really hadn’t said much since arriving at the farm, and even less since meeting Noah. To say Luke was a little bit concerned was a little bit of an understatement.
“Hey,” he said cautiously. “Lunch is ready, if you’re hungry.” Justin looked over at him and nodded, but made no move to go back inside. Luke fought back a sigh, trying again. “My grandma makes the best food probably in the world, and she takes her hosting duties very seriously. I think you might want to eat even if you’re not hungry!” he joked. Still nothing. “Look, um, Justin-”
“I’m sorry, okay?” Justin laid his hands on the top of the fence, bracing himself. “I’m just not very good at small talk, especially when I’m not comfortable. And no offense, but nothing about this situation is comfortable.”
“No, I get that,” Luke dared to take a step closer, telling himself he had to do this, he had to get all of them to love Noah like he and his family did. “It’s weird for us too. But you have nothing to worry about with Noah, he’s…”
Justin shook his head. “That’s great, but how do I know that? How do I know I, we, can trust him or you or anyone in this town?”
Luke couldn’t help but bristle at the question. “Hey, it’s the same for us! If Noah’s finally going to get a family, he deserves the best. We’re taking a chance here too.”
The other man fixed him with a slight glare. He took a second before responding. “When my parents first started offering a reward for information on Andrew, people would come forward all the time. For the money. They took advantage of the situation, of us, just to…” He turned away. “And every single time, we’d get our hopes up for nothing.”
He was rocked back a little by this, never really imagining what that must’ve been like. “I-”
Justin wouldn’t let him finish. “Do you know how horrible it is, to see your parents just break down and cry, lose hope? For years? So you’ll excuse me if I’m not ready to call him my brother just yet.”
“That must have been awful,” he said softly. “But Noah… for what it’s worth, I promise you Noah isn’t taking advantage of anything. He doesn’t know how. Can’t you see how scared he is about all of this? He’s not just some stranger with an agenda. He’s your family, whether you accept it or not.”
“Look, I don’t…” Justin sighed, leaning heavier against the fence. “I can’t call him ‘Noah’ and pretend he’s just any kid, but I can’t call him ‘Andrew’ and pretend he’s my little brother.”
“I don’t think Noah would want you to,” Luke said quietly. “Pretend, I mean. He’d know if you were.”
“I can’t treat him like he’s part of the family. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I have no idea who he is.” Justin stared out at the pastures.
Luke looked at him for a moment, and he was talking before he realized it. “He likes Motown music.” Justin’s eyes turned towards him, so he kept at it. “He likes ketchup, but hates tomatoes. He’d never admit it, but clowns freak him out. Um…” he smiled softly. “He makes this face that gets my five year old brother to laugh when no one else can. My sister used to get upset that she wasn’t the oldest or the youngest, felt left out, you know? So Noah invented an ice cream dish and named it after her. The Natalie Special. Even my parents call it that now. And when I’m sick, he always sits with me and watches Dr. Phil, even though I know he hates it.”
Justin was openly looking at him now. “Yeah?” he asked with no inflection in his voice.
Luke couldn’t help but glare a little. This was the love of his life they were talking about. “Yeah. He’s unintentionally charmed everyone in my family from my baby cousin to both of my grandmothers. He’s one of the most genuine, considerate people I’ve ever met. And if you don’t want to get to know him and have him be a part of your family, then I’m not sure I want to get to know you.”
Justin raised his eyebrows, studying Luke. Finally, he sighed, repeating his earlier words. “It’s just… I’m not ready to call him my little brother.”
Luke shrugged. “He’s not ready either. Just don’t… he’s kinda worried you’re all going to hate him. And if you do, somehow, at the end of this day hate him… then you’re a bunch of freaks who better be on the next plane back to Georgia.”
Justin may have chuckled at that, it was hard to tell. “He thinks we’ll hate him?”
Luke couldn’t help but grin. “All the things I love about Noah, one thing I hate is his self-esteem. Or lack thereof.” He started back towards the house, more than a little relieved when Justin followed him. Glancing at him again, he noticed the weird look on the man’s (he was having a hard time thinking of him as Noah’s brother too, apparently) face. “What?”
Now it was Justin’s turn to shrug. “I don’t know, it’s just weird.”
“That I love Noah?” Luke willed himself not to get upset. Yet. There was no reason for him to assume that once again he’d have to fight to prove his relationship to Noah’s family. Yet.
“Yeah. Sorry,” Justin sounded so casual about it, and for some reason that made Luke even more irritated. “I mean, I’m not trying to be homophobic, but it’s weird. Different. And my parents are religious. Like, really religious. I’m just a little surprised they’re so okay with him being gay.”
It took a lot more willpower, willpower Luke didn’t even know he had, not to snap at Justin, but Luke managed it successfully. “That’s how you describe your feelings on Noah being gay? It’s weird?”
Still casual, Justin nodded. “If all this turns out to be real, I guess it’s going to be something I’ll have to get used to.” He headed inside, leaving Luke on the porch.
Luke wasn’t sure if he should be angry, offended, or scared. And he realized he was all three. And worried. All that convincing he’d had to do with Noah, was it all for nothing? Was it a mistake? What if these people were just pretending to be nice to Noah, what if they try to hurt him? Thoughts of camps and names like ‘Krieger’ flew through his head.
Or maybe he was just being paranoid, maybe these people were just sheltered, and once they got to know Noah they’d be joining PFLAG and wearing rainbow stickers. Maybe…
Luke pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting off a headache. Sometimes he wished his brain would go take a nap. He had no reason (yet) to distrust these people, so he couldn’t assume the worse.
But suddenly, assuming the opposite made him just as scared. What was going to happen when the Millers went back to Georgia? Were they going to ask Noah to go with them? What if Noah got what he needed from them… and no longer needed the family he already has?
************
Noah dropped into his usual chair with a heavy, tired sigh. Marcus’s expression walked the line between smirking and caring. “Busy day?”
Noah gave him the best give-me-a-break glare he could muster. “Busy everything,” he shot back. He leaned back even further into the leather, tilting his head to stare up at the ceiling. “It’s like…” he broke up with a much quieter sigh.
“Like what?” Marcus prompted lightly.
Noah shook his head. “I don’t want to complain.”
Marcus laughed quietly. “That’s partly what I’m here for. Complain away. Please, I insist.”
His patient glared good-naturedly. “Well, to start, there’s this ridiculously annoying old man I have to talk to every week.”
He laughed again. “Oh, so now I’m annoying and old?”
“I never said it was you,” Noah rested his head back again. “I think you’re projecting or something.”
“Thanks, Doc.” Marcus was secretly happy that he and Noah were back to this kind of back and forth, that Noah was back to being comfortable around him. Their first session after the trip to Georgia (and their ‘incident’ at Java) hadn’t been easy at first, but they had both fought through it and were back on steady ground again. Steady, sarcastic ground. “Now what are you scared to complain about?”
“I’ll sound ungrateful,” he murmured.
Marcus kept his face impassive; he had a hunch where this was going. “Hey, don’t forget where you are. There’s no judgment here, no matter what you say.”
Noah nodded, slowly sitting back up straight. “The thing is, it feels like I haven’t had a moment to myself since getting back from Georgia.” He fidgeted with the rubber band around his wrist. “The Millers got here almost two weeks ago, right? And every day since then, it’s like all my time is scheduled with someone or something, I don’t have a moment to breathe!” He looked down at his shoes. “It’s pretty lame, isn’t it? I finally have people who want to be around me, and it turns out I hate it.”
“Noah, is that really what’s going on?” He still kept his voice light. “Or is it that you’re just not used to it? Or you want to keep yourself at a distance so they don’t get to know the real you?” He was fairly sure Noah had yet to tell the Millers that he was in therapy or, subsequently, the reasons why he was in therapy.
“Yeah,” Noah exhaled tiredly, rubbing at his eyes. “It’s probably all those things.”
“It’s all a bit overwhelming, isn’t it?” he prompted, quieter. Noah nodded. “Well, let’s start small then. Tell me a little about them, do you like them?”
He watched as Noah physically fought not to shrug at the question. “They seem like really nice, normal people. Every time we meet it’s a little easier, and the Millers are all… they ask questions about school, and they laugh at my stupid jokes, and they share stuff about themselves… It’s nice.” He offered up an embarrassed smile. “And the- my, um, well Krista? Is pretty cool. We’ve hung out by ourselves a couple times.”
“That’s great,” Marcus smiled, then thought back on what Noah had said and decided to go from there. “You’re still calling them the Millers.”
Noah looked at him, confused. “That’s how they asked me to call them. By their first names, I mean.”
“What do you call them in your head?” he pressed a little deeper.
Noah’s eyes narrowed. “What does that mean?”
He held up a hand peaceably. “How do you think of them, all of them. How do you…” he almost used the word ‘relate,’ but thought that was too on the nose. “Refer to them in your head- by their names or by what they are to you?”
He watched Noah deflate, more than just physically. “I don’t know what they are to me,” he whispered.
“They’re your family, Noah,” Marcus responded gently. Sure, the results from yesterday’s DNA tests wouldn’t come back for a few more days, but everyone was pretty damn sure. Except, maybe, for Noah.
The boy in question shrugged. “They don’t feel like it.”
“They don’t what?”
“They don’t feel like my family,” Noah was staring down at his shoes again. Ashamed. “Just because I’m starting to like hanging out with them, doesn’t mean… I don’t feel it, the whatever-it-is I feel when I’m with the Snyders. When the Snyders are with me.” He swallowed hard. “And every lunch or dinner or walk I go on with the Millers, I feel guilty that I don’t feel what I’m supposed to.”
“There is no ‘supposed to’ in this situation,” he reminded. “You feel what you feel, don’t try to force something. The Snyders have been there for you through a lot, accepted you. They encourage you and love you, and they were the first people to ever do that. Of course you feel ‘it’ when you’re with them.”
“Then why can’t I feel that for my real family?” Noah winced as he asked it.
“You have to give it some time, give them a chance,” Marcus grew a little stern. “And you have to get over that fear.”
“What fear?” Noah had that look on his face again, the one where he was dreading whatever Marcus was about to say because he knew it would be the truth.
“You’re afraid that the Millers are going to be like the Mayers,” he stated simply. Noah bit his lip and looked away, and Marcus knew it was true. “You’re afraid they’ll let you down or hurt you like the Colonel did. Or leave you like Charlene did.”
Noah was quiet for awhile, and Marcus waited, letting him process his thoughts. “Isn’t it possible?” he asked, tentative.
He held still, fighting the urge to either nod or shake his head, knowing Noah would interpret that how he wanted. “Of course it’s possible, Noah. Doesn’t mean it’s true though.” He sat forward some, keeping Noah’s focus on him. “You’ve been burned pretty badly in the past by so-called ‘family.’ It’s okay to feel scared by all of this. It’s smart to be cautious.”
“Somehow I feel like there’s a really important ‘however’ coming in your speech,” Noah mumbled sullenly.
Marcus smiled again. “However- and this is something we’ve always had to work on, isn’t it?- you shouldn’t act or feel a certain way because you think other people want you to. I know your concept of family is a little… skewed, but in reality? Family accepts you no matter what. Luke’s family has proven that to you, haven’t they?”
Noah nodded, but Marcus caught the flash of something in his eyes, something he couldn’t immediately decipher. “Yeah, they have.”
“And what are you thinking right now?” Marcus leaned forward just a little bit more.
Noah was back to looking away, eyes wandering over the framed photos in the office. The old picture of Marcus and Lucinda was now sitting next to one taken of them just a few weeks ago at the Lakeview. Another new picture, of Sarah and her family, was there too. Noah just stared at the pictures.
“Noah?” Marcus prompted.
“Yeah,” he exhaled. “If, um, if I become a part of this new family, aren’t I being ungrateful all over again?”
Now Marcus was really confused. “Ungrateful to whom?”
“To the Snyders,” he shrugged, as though the answer was obvious.
“Noah, no,” Marcus insisted. “No, having a family of your own doesn’t make you ungrateful. You’re not abandoning the Snyders, no one would think that.”
“Are you sure?” He looked so doubtful.
“Where’s this coming from?” he asked, leaning back again, giving Noah some space.
Noah tilted his head to the side, really not wanting to continue this conversation. But Marcus had no intention of stopping, and he was pretty sure Noah knew that. “Luke,” he finally admitted.
“Luke said something to you?” Marcus couldn’t really believe that.
And sure enough, Noah shook his head. “No. But I know him. And he acts, like, standoffish whenever I mention them, or when I make plans to hang out with them.” He grimaced slightly. “He gets this weird look on his face, and he doesn’t ever really want to talk about them. And this is Luke. He always wants to talk. About everything.”
“Maybe he’s just being cautious, like you are. Maybe he’s just scared,” Marcus suggested.
“Maybe,” Noah relented a little. “But I’m not sure. If that was the case, I think he’d talk to me. This is something else, like he disapproves of it. Like I’m ditching him and everyone else for the shiny new family. And if Luke feels this way, then maybe…” he trailed off.
“Have you tried to talk to him about it?” he asked quietly.
Noah nodded slowly. “Yeah. He just shrugs it off, says everything’s fine. But I know something’s up. I know it.”
“And you’re assuming it’s something you did wrong?” Marcus pointed out, eyeing the clock. They didn’t have much time left, unfortunately.
Noah wasn’t responding much anymore. No shrug, no movement of his head, nothing. After a minute he spoke, voice small. “I can’t do something wrong right now. I can’t make a mistake. I’m, I’m scared I’ll do the wrong thing and lose them.”
“Lose who?”
Noah glanced at the clock too, and then reached for his coat. “Any of them. All of them. I don’t know.”
“Noah…” Marcus stood up when his patient did. No, he couldn’t leave now, this was something they needed to discuss, this was-
Noah pointed to the clock. “Time’s up.” He pulled his coat on. “I have to go, I’m supposed to be at Java in fifteen minutes.” He half-smiled. “Having coffee with the family.”
Marcus sighed, opening his office door for him. “Noah,” he said again when Noah stepped into the hall. He waited until they made eye contact, then he smiled encouragingly. “Everything’s going to be fine. Sometimes it’s okay to believe that.”
************
Luke smiled giddily when two arms wrapped around his waist from behind. He let Noah pull him down to their bench, twisting a little so he could look up at him. “We’re supposed to be shopping for dinner,” he reminded his boyfriend teasingly.
“No, your parents are supposed to be shopping for dinner,” Noah shot back, bringing Luke right up against him. “We’re supposed to be helping.”
Luke smirked, leaning over for a quick kiss. “And how exactly is this helping?”
Noah’s eyes stayed wide, innocent. “I’m keeping you out of their way, duh.”
“You jerk,” Luke smacked him lightly, smiling into another kiss. And another one. And another one.
And there would have been one more, if a voice hadn’t interrupted them. “Noah, is that- oh…”
They pulled apart, sharing that familiar smile that came with getting interrupted (a lot), before turning to see who it was this time that had interrupted them. And ‘oh’ was right. It was Mr. and Mrs. Miller. Noah’s parents, Luke had to tell himself yet again. He’d get used to it at some point.
“Hi,” Noah scrambled to his feet, smiling bashfully at the couple. He kept a hold on Luke’s hand, forcing Luke to stand up next to him. Luke smiled as well, but couldn’t help but notice a look that passed between Eric and Autumn. Like they were uncomfortable seeing him and Noah kiss. Luke tensed, eyes narrowing, but had to force himself to dial it back. Noah was talking to them, and Luke didn’t want to upset him. Not when he looked so cautiously happy.
“So would you like to?” Autumn was asking.
Luke realized he’d missed everything they’d been saying. “What?”
Noah was already hesitating. “I’m not sure, we kind of already have plans…” He looked over at Luke, now uncertain.
Luke was wondering just how he was going to cover the fact that he hadn’t been listening, when thankfully his parents came to the rescue. “Oh hello!” Lily greeted them warmly, happily. Luke wished he had that ability. Wished he could be that at ease with all of this. “What brings you out to Old Town?”
“Actually,” Eric glanced sideways at his wife before continuing. “We were just asking Noah if he’d like to join us for dinner at the Lakeview.”
Ah, now Luke understood why Noah was hesitating before. It was Friday night, and there was no way Noah couldn’t go to Friday Night Dinner at the Snyder/Walsh house. It was one of those traditions he couldn’t let go of, almost a rule. Some people went to Mass on Easter Sunday, Noah went to Lily’s dining room on Friday nights.
Which was why Noah was looking at Eric and Autumn with a slightly mournful, guilty expression. “I wish I could, I’m sorry,” he began, “but tonight-”
“Noah, sweetie,” Lily put her hand on his back, cutting him off. “Go have dinner with them.”
Both Luke and Noah turned wide eyes towards her. “What?”
She smiled gently. “It’s okay to go, you’re not hurting our feelings,” she teased.
Noah didn’t seem to believe her. “But it’s Friday night. I can’t.”
Holden was there too, also smiling. “Yes you can. We don’t have you bound by contract or anything, there will be plenty of other dinners for Lily to spoil you.”
Noah looked back and forth between them, not quite giving in to the teasing. “You’re sure?” he asked, searching for any indication that they were lying. When he found nothing but encouragement, he smiled a little and turned back to his parents. “Okay, then. Dinner.”
Luke for most of this time had been watching the Millers, and he caught the confused, almost disgruntled look they exchanged when it took Lily and Holden’s convincing to get Noah to accept. Luke squashed down his anger yet again. Didn’t they get that maybe Noah had prior commitments before they came to Oakdale? He already had a life when they showed up, it wasn’t fair to expect Noah to-
Noah tugged on Luke’s hand, pulling him off to the side a little bit. “You want to come with me?” he asked, eyes hopeful he’d say yes.
Luke deflated. If he had dinner with Noah’s family, he’d just be looking for more problems and probably ruin the night for Noah. “No, you go ahead. I promised Faith I’d help her with a book report tonight.”
And now Noah had that look on his face- the one Luke had seen a few times in the last two weeks. The one that said ‘I really wish you’d tell me what’s going on with you.’ And Luke wished he could tell him, he really did. “Luke…”
Luke leaned in and kissed his nose. “Babe. You’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for. And in most cases, parents get to know their son before they get to know their son’s boyfriend.”
That did the trick. Noah grinned at him. “When have we ever been ‘most cases,’ Snyder?”
Luke shrugged, matching the grin. “Well, I figure we gotta start sometime, right?”
Noah leaned in and kissed him this time, slow and soft. If Luke’s tongue hadn’t been currently busy, he would have stuck it out at the Millers. Gay people kiss, deal with it. Noah finally pulled back, still smiling. “I kinda like being a special case,” he whispered.
You are special, he wanted to say, but they had taken a lot of time already. So instead he slung his arm around Noah’s hips and led him back to the adults, who were patiently (and not at all awkwardly) waiting for them. Noah got a quick hug and kiss from Lily, and then they were gone.
Luke turned to his parents the second they were around the corner. “Did you see that? What they did?” he hissed.
Both Holden and Lily stared at him, thrown. “See what?” his mom finally asked.
“That look!” Luke insisted. “When Noah didn’t want to have dinner with them, when he asked you if it was okay first. Like they don’t want him to have-”
“Luke,” Holden cut in, voice striving for calm.
Luke just glared back. “And what were they thinking, springing that dinner on him like that? Noah doesn’t like surprises. If they knew him at all, they’d know-”
“Luke!” this time Lily interrupted, less calm. “What’s going on with you?”
He looked at both of them, and by the expressions on their faces it seemed like he had just sprouted blue furry horns or something. “Something’s not right about them, I can feel it.”
“Are you sure you’re not just being overprotective?” Holden asked him.
It took everything in him not to implode at that. “Really? You’re going to talk to me about being overprotective?” Luke glowered pointedly at him.
Holden’s own frown deepened, but before he could respond Lily literally jumped between them. “Hey. Is it really the time or place for this?”
Luke turned and took a step away, taking a deep breath. Once he had himself back under control, he turned around again, looking at both of them seriously. “I’m just trying to look out for Noah, okay? These people aren’t being completely honest with him.”
“How do you know that?” Lily asked.
“Justin, the brother. He told me they’re all religious, that the parents are really religious, and he’s surprised they’re so cool with Noah being gay.” He kept steady. “That’s a pretty big thing. Why haven’t they talked to Noah about it? What else have they maybe not told him?”
“Have you talked to Noah about any of this?” Holden managed to ask civilly.
Luke shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t. He’s doing so well, he’s actually putting himself out there, willingly. This would kill him.”
His mom smiled at him, somehow both loving and stern, as only a mom can smile. “Honey, you know we all love Noah and want to protect him, and I know history hasn’t always been kind to us. But you can’t just wait around for the moment the Millers turn evil.” He tried to protest, but she cut him off with a look. “They’re his family. It’s something we all have to accept if we want to be there for him.”
Holden must have realized just how seriously Luke was taking all of this, because he went into full-on reassuring mode too. “Luke, if you trust me at all, trust me on this. Noah’s a part of our family too, and we’re not just giving him up. Not for anything.”
************
Noah let go of Ethan’s hand the second they got to the playground, allowing him and Natalie to run on ahead to the swingsets. “And they’re off,” he announced quietly. Krista laughed, and headed for a nearby bench to watch them. Noah waited for her to take her seat before joining her, earning a small smile from Krista. “What?” he asked, confused.
Krista shook her head, still smiling. “Waiting for the lady to sit down first? You sure you weren’t raised in the south?”
She was teasing, but Noah couldn’t help but flinch a little. “Military etiquette,” he explained shortly, looking down at his hands. It didn’t hurt to talk about as much as it used to, but Noah didn’t think he’d ever really be okay with it.
Krista was surprisingly quiet for a minute. “I have a confession, Noah.” He looked over at her warily as she continued. “When I found out the name of the man who took you from us, I, um, Googled him. I found out why he got arrested a couple years ago, that he killed his ex-wife, and he almost killed Luke and another man.”
And Noah couldn’t look at her anymore. “Yeah. He did. And last year…”
“I read a little about that too,” her voice was gentle. “Not a lot, just that he kidnapped you. Again. And you were hurt pretty badly.”
“Yeah,” he said again. Thank God there had never been anything specific about how he’d been hurt. It was bad enough that so many people in Oakdale knew about all that, he’d hate it if the entire story was on the Internet for anyone and everyone to read.
“And that’s the man who pretended to be your father. Who raised you,” she continued. This time he just nodded, keeping his eyes on Ethan and Natalie on the playground. “Was it bad?” she asked, quieter.
Eyes still forward. “Was what bad?”
“Growing up with him,” she clarified. He glanced at her for just a second, nodded, and then went back to watching the kids. “You can… you can tell us stuff, you know.”
“What?” he had to look at her now, confused.
She shrugged, keeping her eyes on his. “You can tell us bad stuff. I know you don’t want to, but it’s okay. I mean, we have the best news to counterbalance anything you tell us- we got you back.”
He felt himself smile, more out of shock than anything else. “Okay.” It wouldn’t happen today, but maybe someday soon he’d be able to open up to them like they wanted.
She smiled wider. “Okay.” Then she laughed a little. “You know, for so many years I had it in my head that if you were alive and grownup somewhere, you were off living this awesome life. You were, like, a pirate or something.”
“A pirate?” he repeated, giving her a strange look.
“But a nice one!” she was quick to say. “Like the guy in The Princess Bride.”
He found himself smiling again. “So you thought I got kidnapped and then turned into the Dread Pirate Roberts?”
“No,” she elbowed him. “No, you were definitely Westley.”
And now he was laughing too. “That would mean Luke is Buttercup. Oh, he’d hate that.” And that made him laugh a little harder. Looking back at the playground, he called out, “Ethan, stay in the sandbox, buddy!” Ethan waved at him and scampered back into the play area.
Krista watched the kids fondly, then looked back at Noah. “So you like The Princess Bride then? The book or the movie?”
“Both,” he answered. “Luke made me read the book after I made him watch the movie. It’s one of my movies I call, well,” and he was about to reveal another dorky facet to his personality. “I call them Chicken Soup movies. Ones that are kinda guaranteed to-”
“To put a smile on your face no matter what,” she finished for him. At his shocked expression, she ducked her head a little. “I call them my Happy Place movies. There’s like ten movies on the list. You?”
“Fourteen,” he answered, feeling something flutter in his chest. Like relief and affection, and hope. It was a lot like that feeling he’d gotten his first day in Oakdale, when he and Maddie had first started talking about Claude Rains and ‘friends you can take with you.’ The feeling of hey, maybe things won’t be as bad as you thought.
Before he could do or say anything embarrassing, thankfully, Natalie ran up to them. “Look, Noah!” she nearly shoved a handful of wildflowers and dandelions right into his face. “I made a bouquet!”
“They’re beautiful, NatBug,” he answered with a smile. “Do you want me to hold onto them so you can keep playing?”
“Yes please,” she said, handing them over, nearly twirling around with happiness and sugar highs. Then she grew serious, if only for a moment. “You can keep them and give them to Luke if you want.”
“Aw, thanks Nat,” he responded solemnly. “I bet he’ll love them.” She grinned happily and then ran off again. He caught Krista’s raised eyebrow and grin, and couldn’t help but blush. “He loves anything from them,” he rushed to explain.
“Oh, I’m sure,” she responded innocently.
“Shut up,” he couldn’t help but mumble, still blushing.
She laughed at him, elbowing him again. “You know, my boyfriend and I met two years ago, and we’ve pretty much been serious since day one, but…” Her smile got softer. “Seeing you and Luke, and knowing how much you’ve been through together, it makes me wish Tyler and I had met when we were both eighteen.” She shrugged at his questioning look. “It would’ve been nice to do all that growing up together.”
Noah’s expression softened too. He couldn’t even imagine the mess he’d be right now if he hadn’t had Luke with him to help him ‘grow up.’ “I don’t know where I’d be without him,” he confessed quietly. Krista shifted a little next to him, and Noah suddenly remembered that they hadn’t ever really discussed his relationship with Luke all that much. “Sorry.”
“God, Noah, for what?” she shook her head, inched a little closer. “You two love each other, anyone can see that!” Getting in even closer, putting her hand on his knee, “I’ll admit, hon, it wasn’t something I was expecting when we first got word that you were alive and all. But I see how much you mean to each other, and it’s no different from how Tyler and I feel.”
“I don’t mean to doubt you,” he protested quietly.
“I know,” she promised. “Besides, you’d be gay even if you’d been with us this whole time, just like you’d be a film student and big ol’ dork too,” she laughed at the face he made at her. “First and foremost, you’re my little brother. That’s what matters to me.”
“And everyone else?” he forced himself to ask around a suddenly scratchy throat.
She paused for a second. “I think they feel the same,” she answered. “Don’t worry about Justin. I know he hasn’t been quite as… embracing about all of this, but it hasn’t been easy for him. He took it really hard when you were taken. He thought it was his fault because he was the oldest and he should have been looking out for his little brother when it happened.”
“Really?” Noah had a hard time picturing the intimidatingly quiet man as this protective, caring older brother.
“Yeah,” Krista turned sad. “As we got older, and it was more and more apparent that you weren’t coming back… he got angry. Rebelled a lot, got into the kind of trouble he was lucky to get out of, you know? He’s only recently gotten it together, but he’s been working really hard to get his life on track. Just give him some time.”
“No, it’s okay,” Noah wanted to comfort her. “I understand, trust me. And honestly, just now getting his life together? I can relate to that.”
Krista looked like she wanted him to expand on that a little bit, but once again a Snyder felt the need to interrupt. “Noahhhh,” Ethan whined just a little bit, climbing up into his lap without an invitation.
Noah smiled, pulling Ethan back against him to keep him steady. “Tired, buddy?” Ethan nodded, turning to put his arms around Noah’s neck, the international sign for ‘Carry Me.’ “Okay, let’s head on home then.” He stood up, shifting Ethan to one side so he could hold onto Natalie’s flowers with the other hand. “NatBug! Time to go!” he called out.
Instead of protesting, like he expected her to, Natalie came back over to them almost immediately, ready to go. Then he noticed another carefully made bouquet of flowers in her hand. “Are those for your mom?” he asked with a smile.
She shook her head. “Nope! They’re for her,” she turned and offered the bouquet to Krista.
Krista stood almost frozen for a second, eyes bright. “For me?”
Natalie bobble-headed her yes. “Yep!”
“Why?” Krista couldn’t help but ask. Noah stood by, just as dumbfounded, Ethan resting against his shoulder.
“Because your Noah’s sister,” Natalie answered, as though the answer were obvious. She looked up to Noah for confirmation. “Right?”
Noah looked down at the little girl, then back up at Krista. He smiled at all of them. “Right,” he answered. “She is.”
************
( CONTINUE IN 10b)
Chapter: 10a/16 - Where Have You Been, My Blue-Eyed Son?
Author: carolinablu85. or you can call me Ella! (or you can call me Al, if you like the song...)
Characters: Luke/Noah, Lily, the Miller family, Holden, Emma, Marcus, Ethan, Natalie, Maddie, Jade (oh my god, I did a whole chapter without Casey?! What?!)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: sequel to my fic "Sins of the Father," refers to lots of things that happened in that story, takes place a few months later!
Summary: The Snyders meet the Millers, Noah talks to Marcus, Luke talks to Maddie, CLIFFHANGER!
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cellphone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
Author's Note: This chapter's title is brought to you by the song "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" by Bob Dylan (though Jason Mraz does a surprisingly awesome cover too!)
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8 / Chapter 9 /
Luke entered the barn, smiling instinctively at the smell and sounds of the place. Noah may love the pond, Natalie and Ethan had the backyard with its tree house, but for Luke there was nothing more special than the barn. For him it was like stepping into Narnia or Shangri-La.
Unfortunately, even the magical healing powers of the barn couldn’t calm his nerves today. He headed over to the third stall on the right, smiling again a few seconds later when Eastwood finally poked his head over the wooden slats. He rubbed a hand gently along the horse’s nose. “Are you going to stay in there forever?” he asked quietly, only slightly teasing.
There was a tiny shifting sound from inside the stall. “Yes.” Noah’s voice was also quiet, and just this side of petulant.
Luke chuckled softly and eased his way into the stall. Noah was sitting with his back against the wood, legs pulled up to his chest. Luke settled down next to him, resting their shoulders against each other. “The Millers are going to be here any minute,” he whispered, as Eastwood snorted and went to investigate the pile of hay on the other side of the enclosure.
Noah nodded, but kept picking at an imaginary hole in his jeans. After another minute of silence he spoke up with, “I’m not ready.”
Luke reached out, skimmed his hand across the back of Noah’s head, playing with his hair. “I hate to break it to you,” he pointed out gently, “but you may never be ready.” Noah bowed his head, but Luke kept his hand where it was. “It won’t be that bad, love. I’ll be with you the whole time, and Mom and Dad are here too, and Emma…”
“Yeah,” he was still so quiet.
“And Jack and Lucinda are just a phone call away. They’re on standby if for some reason this needs bouncers or bodyguards,” he bumped Noah’s shoulder playfully.
Noah rewarded him with a smile and a shake of his head, wrapping his arm around Luke and pulling him in as close as possible. “I know. It’s just… I’m, I’m nervous. In that, um, terrified sort of way? None of us know what we’re getting into here.”
Luke rubbed Noah’s leg, feeling how tense he was. “Hey, it’s not like anyone’s completely in the dark, right? I mean, you talked to them on the phone, and that went okay.”
Noah laughed a little, remembering that awkwardness. They had coordinated it through Jack and the detectives in Augusta, which helped, but really… there’s no way to prepare for a Hi-I’m-your-long-lost-son-who-was-kidnapped-nineteen-years-ago-and-by-the-way-I’m-gay-so-how-are-you?-phone call. Considering all that, it had gone surprisingly well. “Yeah, I guess it did. And they didn’t freak out when I suggested meeting at my boyfriend’s family’s farm. But then, Mrs. Miller was crying so much she would’ve agreed to anything.”
He stopped suddenly, and Luke leaned in even more, poking him. “What is it?”
He turned to Luke, eyes a little wide, blushing. “What am I supposed to call them? How do I refer to them? Mr. and Mrs. Miller? That’s too, like, formal, isn’t it? Wouldn’t that upset them? But I can’t call them…” he shook his head again. “And what if…”
“What if what?” Luke prompted, knowing it always took Noah a little while to get to the heart of the matter, what he was really afraid of.
Noah didn’t answer for a moment. “Have you figured out any more about Damian and the bribes?”
Luke gave him a stern look, knowing it was a distraction. But he went with it anyway. “Nothing new.” He’d spent the whole week since discovering the bribery trying to get together some real proof. “I’ve gone through every record I can think of, but all I’ve got is a giant pile of circumstantial evidence. Damian’s really good at covering his tracks, for the most part.”
Noah shrugged. “You found out, though. So he hasn’t covered everything.”
“Yeah, but I can’t do anything without solid proof or a confession from one of them,” Luke griped.
“Confession?” Noah echoed, frowning. “Luke, you don’t get the confession, the cops do. You’re not going to get yourself into trouble, are you?”
“Damian would never hurt me,” Luke reassured him.
Noah gave him an ‘oh, come on!’ look. “Maybe. But he can get a little misguided, you can’t deny that. And somehow I doubt the Port Authority guy really loves you like Damian does.” His grip on Luke tightened. “Just… be careful, please? Go to the cops before you try to solve this case on your own, Hutch.”
He smacked Noah’s arm with a grin. “Shut up.”
Noah’s voice grew tentative. “You could, um, you could always talk to your parents about this. Holden, maybe?”
Luke just gave him a look. “Yeah, that would go so well.” He shook his head before Noah could argue. “I can’t yet. I’m not going to take the ‘I told you so’ lecture until I have proof I deserve it.”
Noah scrunched up one side of his face uncertainly. Luke could tell how badly Noah wanted to say something- anything- about him and Holden. But he didn’t. “Okay. I guess.”
They sat quietly for a second, watching Eastwood snack in the other corner. Luke tapped on Noah’s knee. “You ready to talk to me now? Tell me what’s really bothering you?”
Noah drew his legs up even closer to his chest, folding inwards a little bit. “What if… what if they don’t like me?”
“What?” Luke really hadn’t expected this.
“What if they decide I’m not what they want?” Noah spoke into his knees. “They’re going to find out everything about me. Not just that I’m gay, but everything. How I grew up, how I ended up coming out, everything that happened last year with the Colonel and Alan…” he only stumbled over the name a little. “And oh yeah, I’m in therapy, I have panic attacks, I don’t deal well with hospital rooms, all my issues… Luke, what if they decide I’m more trouble than I’m worth?”
Luke winced, at both the self-loathing in Noah’s voice and at the phrase he used. The Colonel had once used that same phrase to describe Noah, and Luke had hated it ever since. “No,” he said adamantly, moving in front of him, forcing him to meet his eyes. “That won’t happen. These people aren’t here to take you out on a test drive and then decide if they want to keep you. They’re here because you’re their family, and they’ve missed you for nineteen years.”
Noah just looked at him for a bit, face almost blank except for his eyes, which were raging with what seemed like a thousand different emotions. Too many for Luke to track. But luckily he didn’t need to, because a second later Noah was leaning forward, pressing his lips lightly to Luke’s. “And no matter what, I’ve got you, right?”
Luke mock-glared. “Like you even have to ask.” They both stood and, at the same time, started to brush hay of each other’s shirts. Noah’s hands lingered on Luke’s back, holding him close again. Luke smiled into Noah’s shoulder. “You’re worth a lot,” he said quietly. He felt Noah nod against him, so he stood back a little, straightening the collar of Noah’s shirt. “Come on,” he said, “It’s time to go meet your family.”
************
The sound of a car pulling up the gravel driveway caused Lily to look up quickly, her book dropping from suddenly nerveless fingers. This was it. She stood up from her seat on the porch, watching as the car came to a stop, parked behind her own. Standing at the screen door, she had to hold tightly to the wooden frame as the family emerged.
They all looked exactly like she had pictured and not at all. The first thing she noticed was that she could see Noah in each of them. Both men, Eric and Justin (she memorized their names), had that similar build- a swimmer’s build, she had always called it- and dark, slightly curly hair.
The daughter Krista had Noah’s face and his inquisitive, take-everything-in air to her. And Autumn, the poor mother… even with her blonde hair, she had those blue eyes Noah was Oakdale-famous for, and she also seemed to have that hesitancy at being in a new situation. She was even biting her lower lip. It was all so ‘Noah’ that Lily thought she might cry.
She stepped out from the porch into the driveway, plastering a welcoming and not at all awkward smile on her face. “Hi,” she came forward with a wave. “Welcome to Oakdale.” She held out her hand to the nearest person, which happened to be Mr. Miller. “Lily Snyder, it’s nice to meet you.”
“Hello,” Eric’s smile was nervous but excited too. Lily couldn’t blame him. “Eric Miller. And I really can’t tell you how nice it is to meet you too.”
She laughed a little. “We’re glad to have you.” She smiled at the other three, who looked slightly more hesitant than he did. “And you must be Krista, Justin, and Autumn. It really is wonderful to have you all here.” She gestured to the house. “If you’d like to come in, my mother-in-law is just about to make some lunch for everyone.”
She noticed all four of them looking around, searching for something, even as they followed her towards the porch. Autumn finally cleared her throat. “Um, is…?”
Lily smiled gently. “Noah’s out in the barn right now. He’ll be here in a minute, he’s just…” she trailed off, unsure of what to say. Should they know how terrified Noah was right now?
Fortunately, the daughter- Krista- offered up another smile of her own. “Yeah, I think we’re all ‘just,’ too.”
Lily laughed again, relieved. “He’ll be here in a minute,” she repeated.
Holden appeared in the doorway to the house then, smiling and acting about as aw-shucks!-farmboy as he possibly could. Lily would have teased him if she didn’t know he was trying to put the family even more at ease, for Noah’s sake.
She caught Autumn glancing back towards the barn, lingering on the porch as the others followed Holden into the kitchen. “Would you like to wait out here with me?” she asked the woman quietly.
Autumn turned (Noah’s) blue eyes towards her, blushing at having been caught. “That would be… Is that, is that okay if I do? It won’t upset him, will it?”
Lily smiled wider. “I think it’ll be fine.” She sat back in her original seat, patting the cushion next to her. When Autumn was next to her, she took a deep, readying breath. “Before you see him, there’s something I think I need to tell you. Because when you see Noah, you might react because of it, and he’ll probably misinterpret that-”
“Because of what?” Autumn asked warily.
“You’ve already seen him,” Lily admitted in a rush, trying to get it all out as quickly as possible. “Noah was in Augusta last week, and he accidentally ran into you and your husband. At a coffee shop, I think? He wasn’t-”
“That was him?” Autumn gasped. “Tall, dark hair?” At Lily’s nod, tears started to fill her eyes. “That, that beautiful boy? That’s my Andrew?” Lily nodded again, putting a hand comfortingly on the woman’s arm, squeezing gently. “And the blond boy who was with him, was that your son?”
“No,” Lily laughed a little bit. “That was their friend Casey.” Growing serious again, “I just want you to know, Noah didn’t have an agenda when he went to Augusta. Running into you was an accident. He had just found out everything, he panicked, I think he wanted to see the house- your old house? He just wanted to see it.” Her voice grew insistent. “He wasn’t spying or withholding information from you, not on purpose. Noah usually processes things in stages, very much in his own head. He-”
“He knew?” she whispered, hand coming close to covering her mouth but not quite. “When he, we, when we saw him? That’s why he was so-?”
Lily felt herself growing defensive. “He wasn’t trying to keep a secret or anything, he just wasn’t processing things at that point. He would never do anything like that. Don’t think that he’s…” and she trailed off, realizing how she sounded. She took another deep breath. “I’m sorry. It’s just that, Noah’s about the sweetest kid I’ve ever met, and I get a little overprotective sometimes. He’s been through so much, more than you know. I don’t want to see him upset or hurt, I’m sorry.”
“No, no,” Autumn grabbed her hand. “I didn’t mean to imply anything like that, not at all. I should be thanking you, for taking care of him, for giving him a home and a family, for keeping him safe for us.”
Lily was about to deny that- the Millers didn’t know everything that had happened last year- but before she could say anything Autumn’s breath had caught in her throat, her eyes focused on something beyond Lily’s shoulder. Lily turned, already knowing what it was.
Luke and Noah appeared just outside the barn, walking together closely and holding hands tightly. It took about two seconds for Noah to spot them, and it immediately brought him to a standstill. If it weren’t for Luke there beside him, Lily was pretty sure Noah would have either stayed there forever or made a run for it. She watched her son put his hand on Noah’s lower back and give him a push forward.
Lily had to give Autumn Miller a lot of credit; by the time Noah and Luke made it onto the porch, she had pulled herself together, eyes dry and face calm. A small smile on her face.
There was a moment or two of silence once the boys made it onto the porch, until (of course) Luke couldn’t stand it and took one more step forward, holding out his hand and flashing that you-can’t-help-but-love-me-smile. “Hi, Mrs. Miller. I’m Luke.”
Autumn looked a little startled, but again she recovered remarkably well, smiling warmly at him. “Hello Luke, it’s wonderful to meet you.” She shook his hand, though her eyes strayed quickly back to Noah.
Lily smiled proudly at Luke and then pulled him over to the side, out of the way. This moment wasn’t really about them. They both watched as Autumn approached Noah, looking him over, taking everything in. For his part, Noah looked absolutely petrified, but he was breathing slowly and standing still, and Lily was more than a little proud of him too.
But even she was surprised when Noah made the next move, offering up a small smile. “H-hi,” he stammered out. He looked like he wanted to say more, but had no idea what that should be.
Maybe Autumn sensed that too, because her expression softened as she once again extended her hand. “Hi Noah. I’m Autumn.”
Noah stared down at her hand for a second before taking it in his. His smile melted into something more genuine, and Autumn couldn’t seem to hold it back any longer. She threw her arms around Noah and pulled him into a hug. Panic flashed across his face for a moment- a moment in which Lily had to hold Luke back from interrupting- but then he pushed it away and returned the embrace. Both Lily and Luke relaxed then, stepping forward again.
When the hug was over, Luke and Noah unconsciously came back together, reaching for each other’s hands. Autumn kept her hand on Noah’s other arm, unable to break contact completely, and Noah didn’t pull away. Lily let the hope from that build in her, opening the door to the kitchen and motioning for them to go inside.
Of course, Noah’s feet stopped working again the second he was inside, confronted with the rest of the family. His family, Lily reminded herself. And of course, Luke again was the one to push him forward, Autumn right next to him. Lily realized then that they had probably done the smartest thing by having Autumn meet him first, breaking the ice so to speak.
By unspoken agreement or some sort of Snyder-mindmeld, Holden and Emma joined her and Luke by the refrigerator, allowing Autumn to keep her hold on Noah’s arm and bring him over to the others. Allowing the Millers to have a quasi-private moment with him. (Because only having four onlookers was definitely considered a private moment in the Snyder household.)
“How’s he doing?” Holden asked quietly as introductions were once again made, this time for Noah himself.
Lily turned to her husband. “Okay, I think. Considering. What do you think?” she turned to Luke.
Luke didn’t dare take his eyes off Noah. “I have no idea,” he admitted. “He’s scared they’re going to reject him,” he kept his voice at a whisper.
Lily closed her eyes and shook her head, even as Emma let out a whispered, “What? How on earth…?”
Luke shrugged. “You know him, Grandma. He’s still scared that we’re going to reject him sometimes.” He offered up a smile. “But at least he actually told me he was scared. And he managed to get out of the barn and into the kitchen without freaking out. So I think he’s going to be okay.”
Hope so, they all unknowingly thought together. Emma shook herself free of those thoughts and opened the fridge, pulling out the fixings for sandwiches. “Well, I might as well get lunch started. Everyone must be hungry.” Lily caught Holden’s eye and they both smiled. Emma would never let go of the food-heals-all-wounds concept.
“Actually…” the four Snyders jumped, startled, when Eric came forward, having heard Emma’s last comment. He smiled apologetically at them. “Would it be alright if my wife and I, well,” he glanced back at Noah. “We were hoping Andr- Noah, we were hoping Noah would like to go for a walk with us. Just the three of us.”
Lily immediately looked to Noah for his reaction. His eyes widened and he hesitated before answering, though she could see he wasn’t actually against the idea. Noah looked at all of them, his face growing the most uncertain when he looked at his siblings. His older brother and sister. This is going to take some getting used to, Lily thought to herself yet again.
Krista Miller smiled at Noah, like she was trying to encourage him, and then turned to Emma. “Do you need help getting lunch together, Mrs. Snyder? Justin and I can help you,” she lightly elbowed her brother.
Justin, who Lily hadn’t yet heard speak, cleared his throat awkwardly. “Yeah. Yeah, we can help.” Lily almost laughed because, just like Noah, Justin’s voice seemed to get more high-pitched the more uncomfortable he was.
Emma positively beamed at the offer of help, and Lily wondered if Krista knew how many brownie points she had just scored. Possibly, if she had Noah’s DNA. Noah always seemed to know what gesture to make.
Except, apparently, right now. He approached Lily and Luke, with the Millers right behind him, still so hesitant. “Is it okay?” he asked the Snyders. “If, if I go?”
Lily was about to smile, reassure him, but Luke had other ideas. He loudly rolled his eyes with an exaggerated sigh. He opened his mouth to say something-
“Shut up,” Noah cut in before Luke could say anything snarky.
“You shut up,” Luke nudged his shoulder. From behind Noah, Eric stifled a quiet laugh, and it seemed like everyone relaxed a little more.
Lily touched Noah’s hand, getting his attention. “We’ll have lunch ready by the time you get back,” she promised.
Holden reappeared next to her. “Why don’t you show them the pond? It’s a nice day out for walk around there.”
Noah looked at all of them gratefully, gave a short nod. “Okay, yeah. Thanks.” He turned back to Autumn and Eric, fidgeting just a little. “I guess, um, let’s go?” He started to lead them out, opening the door for them, but then turned back to Luke. “Luke…”
He didn’t need to say anything else. Luke came forward, wrapped his arms around Noah. “Hey,” he said quietly at first, before whispering something in Noah’s ear that Lily couldn’t make out. Noah nodded against Luke’s shoulder, kissed him very very quickly, and then disappeared out onto the porch.
************
Luke let the screen door bang shut behind him so the man standing near the corral had plenty of warning that he was approaching. He came to a stop near the wooden fence, keeping one eye on the path to the pond and one eye on Justin. The guy really hadn’t said much since arriving at the farm, and even less since meeting Noah. To say Luke was a little bit concerned was a little bit of an understatement.
“Hey,” he said cautiously. “Lunch is ready, if you’re hungry.” Justin looked over at him and nodded, but made no move to go back inside. Luke fought back a sigh, trying again. “My grandma makes the best food probably in the world, and she takes her hosting duties very seriously. I think you might want to eat even if you’re not hungry!” he joked. Still nothing. “Look, um, Justin-”
“I’m sorry, okay?” Justin laid his hands on the top of the fence, bracing himself. “I’m just not very good at small talk, especially when I’m not comfortable. And no offense, but nothing about this situation is comfortable.”
“No, I get that,” Luke dared to take a step closer, telling himself he had to do this, he had to get all of them to love Noah like he and his family did. “It’s weird for us too. But you have nothing to worry about with Noah, he’s…”
Justin shook his head. “That’s great, but how do I know that? How do I know I, we, can trust him or you or anyone in this town?”
Luke couldn’t help but bristle at the question. “Hey, it’s the same for us! If Noah’s finally going to get a family, he deserves the best. We’re taking a chance here too.”
The other man fixed him with a slight glare. He took a second before responding. “When my parents first started offering a reward for information on Andrew, people would come forward all the time. For the money. They took advantage of the situation, of us, just to…” He turned away. “And every single time, we’d get our hopes up for nothing.”
He was rocked back a little by this, never really imagining what that must’ve been like. “I-”
Justin wouldn’t let him finish. “Do you know how horrible it is, to see your parents just break down and cry, lose hope? For years? So you’ll excuse me if I’m not ready to call him my brother just yet.”
“That must have been awful,” he said softly. “But Noah… for what it’s worth, I promise you Noah isn’t taking advantage of anything. He doesn’t know how. Can’t you see how scared he is about all of this? He’s not just some stranger with an agenda. He’s your family, whether you accept it or not.”
“Look, I don’t…” Justin sighed, leaning heavier against the fence. “I can’t call him ‘Noah’ and pretend he’s just any kid, but I can’t call him ‘Andrew’ and pretend he’s my little brother.”
“I don’t think Noah would want you to,” Luke said quietly. “Pretend, I mean. He’d know if you were.”
“I can’t treat him like he’s part of the family. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I have no idea who he is.” Justin stared out at the pastures.
Luke looked at him for a moment, and he was talking before he realized it. “He likes Motown music.” Justin’s eyes turned towards him, so he kept at it. “He likes ketchup, but hates tomatoes. He’d never admit it, but clowns freak him out. Um…” he smiled softly. “He makes this face that gets my five year old brother to laugh when no one else can. My sister used to get upset that she wasn’t the oldest or the youngest, felt left out, you know? So Noah invented an ice cream dish and named it after her. The Natalie Special. Even my parents call it that now. And when I’m sick, he always sits with me and watches Dr. Phil, even though I know he hates it.”
Justin was openly looking at him now. “Yeah?” he asked with no inflection in his voice.
Luke couldn’t help but glare a little. This was the love of his life they were talking about. “Yeah. He’s unintentionally charmed everyone in my family from my baby cousin to both of my grandmothers. He’s one of the most genuine, considerate people I’ve ever met. And if you don’t want to get to know him and have him be a part of your family, then I’m not sure I want to get to know you.”
Justin raised his eyebrows, studying Luke. Finally, he sighed, repeating his earlier words. “It’s just… I’m not ready to call him my little brother.”
Luke shrugged. “He’s not ready either. Just don’t… he’s kinda worried you’re all going to hate him. And if you do, somehow, at the end of this day hate him… then you’re a bunch of freaks who better be on the next plane back to Georgia.”
Justin may have chuckled at that, it was hard to tell. “He thinks we’ll hate him?”
Luke couldn’t help but grin. “All the things I love about Noah, one thing I hate is his self-esteem. Or lack thereof.” He started back towards the house, more than a little relieved when Justin followed him. Glancing at him again, he noticed the weird look on the man’s (he was having a hard time thinking of him as Noah’s brother too, apparently) face. “What?”
Now it was Justin’s turn to shrug. “I don’t know, it’s just weird.”
“That I love Noah?” Luke willed himself not to get upset. Yet. There was no reason for him to assume that once again he’d have to fight to prove his relationship to Noah’s family. Yet.
“Yeah. Sorry,” Justin sounded so casual about it, and for some reason that made Luke even more irritated. “I mean, I’m not trying to be homophobic, but it’s weird. Different. And my parents are religious. Like, really religious. I’m just a little surprised they’re so okay with him being gay.”
It took a lot more willpower, willpower Luke didn’t even know he had, not to snap at Justin, but Luke managed it successfully. “That’s how you describe your feelings on Noah being gay? It’s weird?”
Still casual, Justin nodded. “If all this turns out to be real, I guess it’s going to be something I’ll have to get used to.” He headed inside, leaving Luke on the porch.
Luke wasn’t sure if he should be angry, offended, or scared. And he realized he was all three. And worried. All that convincing he’d had to do with Noah, was it all for nothing? Was it a mistake? What if these people were just pretending to be nice to Noah, what if they try to hurt him? Thoughts of camps and names like ‘Krieger’ flew through his head.
Or maybe he was just being paranoid, maybe these people were just sheltered, and once they got to know Noah they’d be joining PFLAG and wearing rainbow stickers. Maybe…
Luke pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting off a headache. Sometimes he wished his brain would go take a nap. He had no reason (yet) to distrust these people, so he couldn’t assume the worse.
But suddenly, assuming the opposite made him just as scared. What was going to happen when the Millers went back to Georgia? Were they going to ask Noah to go with them? What if Noah got what he needed from them… and no longer needed the family he already has?
************
Noah dropped into his usual chair with a heavy, tired sigh. Marcus’s expression walked the line between smirking and caring. “Busy day?”
Noah gave him the best give-me-a-break glare he could muster. “Busy everything,” he shot back. He leaned back even further into the leather, tilting his head to stare up at the ceiling. “It’s like…” he broke up with a much quieter sigh.
“Like what?” Marcus prompted lightly.
Noah shook his head. “I don’t want to complain.”
Marcus laughed quietly. “That’s partly what I’m here for. Complain away. Please, I insist.”
His patient glared good-naturedly. “Well, to start, there’s this ridiculously annoying old man I have to talk to every week.”
He laughed again. “Oh, so now I’m annoying and old?”
“I never said it was you,” Noah rested his head back again. “I think you’re projecting or something.”
“Thanks, Doc.” Marcus was secretly happy that he and Noah were back to this kind of back and forth, that Noah was back to being comfortable around him. Their first session after the trip to Georgia (and their ‘incident’ at Java) hadn’t been easy at first, but they had both fought through it and were back on steady ground again. Steady, sarcastic ground. “Now what are you scared to complain about?”
“I’ll sound ungrateful,” he murmured.
Marcus kept his face impassive; he had a hunch where this was going. “Hey, don’t forget where you are. There’s no judgment here, no matter what you say.”
Noah nodded, slowly sitting back up straight. “The thing is, it feels like I haven’t had a moment to myself since getting back from Georgia.” He fidgeted with the rubber band around his wrist. “The Millers got here almost two weeks ago, right? And every day since then, it’s like all my time is scheduled with someone or something, I don’t have a moment to breathe!” He looked down at his shoes. “It’s pretty lame, isn’t it? I finally have people who want to be around me, and it turns out I hate it.”
“Noah, is that really what’s going on?” He still kept his voice light. “Or is it that you’re just not used to it? Or you want to keep yourself at a distance so they don’t get to know the real you?” He was fairly sure Noah had yet to tell the Millers that he was in therapy or, subsequently, the reasons why he was in therapy.
“Yeah,” Noah exhaled tiredly, rubbing at his eyes. “It’s probably all those things.”
“It’s all a bit overwhelming, isn’t it?” he prompted, quieter. Noah nodded. “Well, let’s start small then. Tell me a little about them, do you like them?”
He watched as Noah physically fought not to shrug at the question. “They seem like really nice, normal people. Every time we meet it’s a little easier, and the Millers are all… they ask questions about school, and they laugh at my stupid jokes, and they share stuff about themselves… It’s nice.” He offered up an embarrassed smile. “And the- my, um, well Krista? Is pretty cool. We’ve hung out by ourselves a couple times.”
“That’s great,” Marcus smiled, then thought back on what Noah had said and decided to go from there. “You’re still calling them the Millers.”
Noah looked at him, confused. “That’s how they asked me to call them. By their first names, I mean.”
“What do you call them in your head?” he pressed a little deeper.
Noah’s eyes narrowed. “What does that mean?”
He held up a hand peaceably. “How do you think of them, all of them. How do you…” he almost used the word ‘relate,’ but thought that was too on the nose. “Refer to them in your head- by their names or by what they are to you?”
He watched Noah deflate, more than just physically. “I don’t know what they are to me,” he whispered.
“They’re your family, Noah,” Marcus responded gently. Sure, the results from yesterday’s DNA tests wouldn’t come back for a few more days, but everyone was pretty damn sure. Except, maybe, for Noah.
The boy in question shrugged. “They don’t feel like it.”
“They don’t what?”
“They don’t feel like my family,” Noah was staring down at his shoes again. Ashamed. “Just because I’m starting to like hanging out with them, doesn’t mean… I don’t feel it, the whatever-it-is I feel when I’m with the Snyders. When the Snyders are with me.” He swallowed hard. “And every lunch or dinner or walk I go on with the Millers, I feel guilty that I don’t feel what I’m supposed to.”
“There is no ‘supposed to’ in this situation,” he reminded. “You feel what you feel, don’t try to force something. The Snyders have been there for you through a lot, accepted you. They encourage you and love you, and they were the first people to ever do that. Of course you feel ‘it’ when you’re with them.”
“Then why can’t I feel that for my real family?” Noah winced as he asked it.
“You have to give it some time, give them a chance,” Marcus grew a little stern. “And you have to get over that fear.”
“What fear?” Noah had that look on his face again, the one where he was dreading whatever Marcus was about to say because he knew it would be the truth.
“You’re afraid that the Millers are going to be like the Mayers,” he stated simply. Noah bit his lip and looked away, and Marcus knew it was true. “You’re afraid they’ll let you down or hurt you like the Colonel did. Or leave you like Charlene did.”
Noah was quiet for awhile, and Marcus waited, letting him process his thoughts. “Isn’t it possible?” he asked, tentative.
He held still, fighting the urge to either nod or shake his head, knowing Noah would interpret that how he wanted. “Of course it’s possible, Noah. Doesn’t mean it’s true though.” He sat forward some, keeping Noah’s focus on him. “You’ve been burned pretty badly in the past by so-called ‘family.’ It’s okay to feel scared by all of this. It’s smart to be cautious.”
“Somehow I feel like there’s a really important ‘however’ coming in your speech,” Noah mumbled sullenly.
Marcus smiled again. “However- and this is something we’ve always had to work on, isn’t it?- you shouldn’t act or feel a certain way because you think other people want you to. I know your concept of family is a little… skewed, but in reality? Family accepts you no matter what. Luke’s family has proven that to you, haven’t they?”
Noah nodded, but Marcus caught the flash of something in his eyes, something he couldn’t immediately decipher. “Yeah, they have.”
“And what are you thinking right now?” Marcus leaned forward just a little bit more.
Noah was back to looking away, eyes wandering over the framed photos in the office. The old picture of Marcus and Lucinda was now sitting next to one taken of them just a few weeks ago at the Lakeview. Another new picture, of Sarah and her family, was there too. Noah just stared at the pictures.
“Noah?” Marcus prompted.
“Yeah,” he exhaled. “If, um, if I become a part of this new family, aren’t I being ungrateful all over again?”
Now Marcus was really confused. “Ungrateful to whom?”
“To the Snyders,” he shrugged, as though the answer was obvious.
“Noah, no,” Marcus insisted. “No, having a family of your own doesn’t make you ungrateful. You’re not abandoning the Snyders, no one would think that.”
“Are you sure?” He looked so doubtful.
“Where’s this coming from?” he asked, leaning back again, giving Noah some space.
Noah tilted his head to the side, really not wanting to continue this conversation. But Marcus had no intention of stopping, and he was pretty sure Noah knew that. “Luke,” he finally admitted.
“Luke said something to you?” Marcus couldn’t really believe that.
And sure enough, Noah shook his head. “No. But I know him. And he acts, like, standoffish whenever I mention them, or when I make plans to hang out with them.” He grimaced slightly. “He gets this weird look on his face, and he doesn’t ever really want to talk about them. And this is Luke. He always wants to talk. About everything.”
“Maybe he’s just being cautious, like you are. Maybe he’s just scared,” Marcus suggested.
“Maybe,” Noah relented a little. “But I’m not sure. If that was the case, I think he’d talk to me. This is something else, like he disapproves of it. Like I’m ditching him and everyone else for the shiny new family. And if Luke feels this way, then maybe…” he trailed off.
“Have you tried to talk to him about it?” he asked quietly.
Noah nodded slowly. “Yeah. He just shrugs it off, says everything’s fine. But I know something’s up. I know it.”
“And you’re assuming it’s something you did wrong?” Marcus pointed out, eyeing the clock. They didn’t have much time left, unfortunately.
Noah wasn’t responding much anymore. No shrug, no movement of his head, nothing. After a minute he spoke, voice small. “I can’t do something wrong right now. I can’t make a mistake. I’m, I’m scared I’ll do the wrong thing and lose them.”
“Lose who?”
Noah glanced at the clock too, and then reached for his coat. “Any of them. All of them. I don’t know.”
“Noah…” Marcus stood up when his patient did. No, he couldn’t leave now, this was something they needed to discuss, this was-
Noah pointed to the clock. “Time’s up.” He pulled his coat on. “I have to go, I’m supposed to be at Java in fifteen minutes.” He half-smiled. “Having coffee with the family.”
Marcus sighed, opening his office door for him. “Noah,” he said again when Noah stepped into the hall. He waited until they made eye contact, then he smiled encouragingly. “Everything’s going to be fine. Sometimes it’s okay to believe that.”
************
Luke smiled giddily when two arms wrapped around his waist from behind. He let Noah pull him down to their bench, twisting a little so he could look up at him. “We’re supposed to be shopping for dinner,” he reminded his boyfriend teasingly.
“No, your parents are supposed to be shopping for dinner,” Noah shot back, bringing Luke right up against him. “We’re supposed to be helping.”
Luke smirked, leaning over for a quick kiss. “And how exactly is this helping?”
Noah’s eyes stayed wide, innocent. “I’m keeping you out of their way, duh.”
“You jerk,” Luke smacked him lightly, smiling into another kiss. And another one. And another one.
And there would have been one more, if a voice hadn’t interrupted them. “Noah, is that- oh…”
They pulled apart, sharing that familiar smile that came with getting interrupted (a lot), before turning to see who it was this time that had interrupted them. And ‘oh’ was right. It was Mr. and Mrs. Miller. Noah’s parents, Luke had to tell himself yet again. He’d get used to it at some point.
“Hi,” Noah scrambled to his feet, smiling bashfully at the couple. He kept a hold on Luke’s hand, forcing Luke to stand up next to him. Luke smiled as well, but couldn’t help but notice a look that passed between Eric and Autumn. Like they were uncomfortable seeing him and Noah kiss. Luke tensed, eyes narrowing, but had to force himself to dial it back. Noah was talking to them, and Luke didn’t want to upset him. Not when he looked so cautiously happy.
“So would you like to?” Autumn was asking.
Luke realized he’d missed everything they’d been saying. “What?”
Noah was already hesitating. “I’m not sure, we kind of already have plans…” He looked over at Luke, now uncertain.
Luke was wondering just how he was going to cover the fact that he hadn’t been listening, when thankfully his parents came to the rescue. “Oh hello!” Lily greeted them warmly, happily. Luke wished he had that ability. Wished he could be that at ease with all of this. “What brings you out to Old Town?”
“Actually,” Eric glanced sideways at his wife before continuing. “We were just asking Noah if he’d like to join us for dinner at the Lakeview.”
Ah, now Luke understood why Noah was hesitating before. It was Friday night, and there was no way Noah couldn’t go to Friday Night Dinner at the Snyder/Walsh house. It was one of those traditions he couldn’t let go of, almost a rule. Some people went to Mass on Easter Sunday, Noah went to Lily’s dining room on Friday nights.
Which was why Noah was looking at Eric and Autumn with a slightly mournful, guilty expression. “I wish I could, I’m sorry,” he began, “but tonight-”
“Noah, sweetie,” Lily put her hand on his back, cutting him off. “Go have dinner with them.”
Both Luke and Noah turned wide eyes towards her. “What?”
She smiled gently. “It’s okay to go, you’re not hurting our feelings,” she teased.
Noah didn’t seem to believe her. “But it’s Friday night. I can’t.”
Holden was there too, also smiling. “Yes you can. We don’t have you bound by contract or anything, there will be plenty of other dinners for Lily to spoil you.”
Noah looked back and forth between them, not quite giving in to the teasing. “You’re sure?” he asked, searching for any indication that they were lying. When he found nothing but encouragement, he smiled a little and turned back to his parents. “Okay, then. Dinner.”
Luke for most of this time had been watching the Millers, and he caught the confused, almost disgruntled look they exchanged when it took Lily and Holden’s convincing to get Noah to accept. Luke squashed down his anger yet again. Didn’t they get that maybe Noah had prior commitments before they came to Oakdale? He already had a life when they showed up, it wasn’t fair to expect Noah to-
Noah tugged on Luke’s hand, pulling him off to the side a little bit. “You want to come with me?” he asked, eyes hopeful he’d say yes.
Luke deflated. If he had dinner with Noah’s family, he’d just be looking for more problems and probably ruin the night for Noah. “No, you go ahead. I promised Faith I’d help her with a book report tonight.”
And now Noah had that look on his face- the one Luke had seen a few times in the last two weeks. The one that said ‘I really wish you’d tell me what’s going on with you.’ And Luke wished he could tell him, he really did. “Luke…”
Luke leaned in and kissed his nose. “Babe. You’ve got a lot of lost time to make up for. And in most cases, parents get to know their son before they get to know their son’s boyfriend.”
That did the trick. Noah grinned at him. “When have we ever been ‘most cases,’ Snyder?”
Luke shrugged, matching the grin. “Well, I figure we gotta start sometime, right?”
Noah leaned in and kissed him this time, slow and soft. If Luke’s tongue hadn’t been currently busy, he would have stuck it out at the Millers. Gay people kiss, deal with it. Noah finally pulled back, still smiling. “I kinda like being a special case,” he whispered.
You are special, he wanted to say, but they had taken a lot of time already. So instead he slung his arm around Noah’s hips and led him back to the adults, who were patiently (and not at all awkwardly) waiting for them. Noah got a quick hug and kiss from Lily, and then they were gone.
Luke turned to his parents the second they were around the corner. “Did you see that? What they did?” he hissed.
Both Holden and Lily stared at him, thrown. “See what?” his mom finally asked.
“That look!” Luke insisted. “When Noah didn’t want to have dinner with them, when he asked you if it was okay first. Like they don’t want him to have-”
“Luke,” Holden cut in, voice striving for calm.
Luke just glared back. “And what were they thinking, springing that dinner on him like that? Noah doesn’t like surprises. If they knew him at all, they’d know-”
“Luke!” this time Lily interrupted, less calm. “What’s going on with you?”
He looked at both of them, and by the expressions on their faces it seemed like he had just sprouted blue furry horns or something. “Something’s not right about them, I can feel it.”
“Are you sure you’re not just being overprotective?” Holden asked him.
It took everything in him not to implode at that. “Really? You’re going to talk to me about being overprotective?” Luke glowered pointedly at him.
Holden’s own frown deepened, but before he could respond Lily literally jumped between them. “Hey. Is it really the time or place for this?”
Luke turned and took a step away, taking a deep breath. Once he had himself back under control, he turned around again, looking at both of them seriously. “I’m just trying to look out for Noah, okay? These people aren’t being completely honest with him.”
“How do you know that?” Lily asked.
“Justin, the brother. He told me they’re all religious, that the parents are really religious, and he’s surprised they’re so cool with Noah being gay.” He kept steady. “That’s a pretty big thing. Why haven’t they talked to Noah about it? What else have they maybe not told him?”
“Have you talked to Noah about any of this?” Holden managed to ask civilly.
Luke shook his head. “I can’t. I can’t. He’s doing so well, he’s actually putting himself out there, willingly. This would kill him.”
His mom smiled at him, somehow both loving and stern, as only a mom can smile. “Honey, you know we all love Noah and want to protect him, and I know history hasn’t always been kind to us. But you can’t just wait around for the moment the Millers turn evil.” He tried to protest, but she cut him off with a look. “They’re his family. It’s something we all have to accept if we want to be there for him.”
Holden must have realized just how seriously Luke was taking all of this, because he went into full-on reassuring mode too. “Luke, if you trust me at all, trust me on this. Noah’s a part of our family too, and we’re not just giving him up. Not for anything.”
************
Noah let go of Ethan’s hand the second they got to the playground, allowing him and Natalie to run on ahead to the swingsets. “And they’re off,” he announced quietly. Krista laughed, and headed for a nearby bench to watch them. Noah waited for her to take her seat before joining her, earning a small smile from Krista. “What?” he asked, confused.
Krista shook her head, still smiling. “Waiting for the lady to sit down first? You sure you weren’t raised in the south?”
She was teasing, but Noah couldn’t help but flinch a little. “Military etiquette,” he explained shortly, looking down at his hands. It didn’t hurt to talk about as much as it used to, but Noah didn’t think he’d ever really be okay with it.
Krista was surprisingly quiet for a minute. “I have a confession, Noah.” He looked over at her warily as she continued. “When I found out the name of the man who took you from us, I, um, Googled him. I found out why he got arrested a couple years ago, that he killed his ex-wife, and he almost killed Luke and another man.”
And Noah couldn’t look at her anymore. “Yeah. He did. And last year…”
“I read a little about that too,” her voice was gentle. “Not a lot, just that he kidnapped you. Again. And you were hurt pretty badly.”
“Yeah,” he said again. Thank God there had never been anything specific about how he’d been hurt. It was bad enough that so many people in Oakdale knew about all that, he’d hate it if the entire story was on the Internet for anyone and everyone to read.
“And that’s the man who pretended to be your father. Who raised you,” she continued. This time he just nodded, keeping his eyes on Ethan and Natalie on the playground. “Was it bad?” she asked, quieter.
Eyes still forward. “Was what bad?”
“Growing up with him,” she clarified. He glanced at her for just a second, nodded, and then went back to watching the kids. “You can… you can tell us stuff, you know.”
“What?” he had to look at her now, confused.
She shrugged, keeping her eyes on his. “You can tell us bad stuff. I know you don’t want to, but it’s okay. I mean, we have the best news to counterbalance anything you tell us- we got you back.”
He felt himself smile, more out of shock than anything else. “Okay.” It wouldn’t happen today, but maybe someday soon he’d be able to open up to them like they wanted.
She smiled wider. “Okay.” Then she laughed a little. “You know, for so many years I had it in my head that if you were alive and grownup somewhere, you were off living this awesome life. You were, like, a pirate or something.”
“A pirate?” he repeated, giving her a strange look.
“But a nice one!” she was quick to say. “Like the guy in The Princess Bride.”
He found himself smiling again. “So you thought I got kidnapped and then turned into the Dread Pirate Roberts?”
“No,” she elbowed him. “No, you were definitely Westley.”
And now he was laughing too. “That would mean Luke is Buttercup. Oh, he’d hate that.” And that made him laugh a little harder. Looking back at the playground, he called out, “Ethan, stay in the sandbox, buddy!” Ethan waved at him and scampered back into the play area.
Krista watched the kids fondly, then looked back at Noah. “So you like The Princess Bride then? The book or the movie?”
“Both,” he answered. “Luke made me read the book after I made him watch the movie. It’s one of my movies I call, well,” and he was about to reveal another dorky facet to his personality. “I call them Chicken Soup movies. Ones that are kinda guaranteed to-”
“To put a smile on your face no matter what,” she finished for him. At his shocked expression, she ducked her head a little. “I call them my Happy Place movies. There’s like ten movies on the list. You?”
“Fourteen,” he answered, feeling something flutter in his chest. Like relief and affection, and hope. It was a lot like that feeling he’d gotten his first day in Oakdale, when he and Maddie had first started talking about Claude Rains and ‘friends you can take with you.’ The feeling of hey, maybe things won’t be as bad as you thought.
Before he could do or say anything embarrassing, thankfully, Natalie ran up to them. “Look, Noah!” she nearly shoved a handful of wildflowers and dandelions right into his face. “I made a bouquet!”
“They’re beautiful, NatBug,” he answered with a smile. “Do you want me to hold onto them so you can keep playing?”
“Yes please,” she said, handing them over, nearly twirling around with happiness and sugar highs. Then she grew serious, if only for a moment. “You can keep them and give them to Luke if you want.”
“Aw, thanks Nat,” he responded solemnly. “I bet he’ll love them.” She grinned happily and then ran off again. He caught Krista’s raised eyebrow and grin, and couldn’t help but blush. “He loves anything from them,” he rushed to explain.
“Oh, I’m sure,” she responded innocently.
“Shut up,” he couldn’t help but mumble, still blushing.
She laughed at him, elbowing him again. “You know, my boyfriend and I met two years ago, and we’ve pretty much been serious since day one, but…” Her smile got softer. “Seeing you and Luke, and knowing how much you’ve been through together, it makes me wish Tyler and I had met when we were both eighteen.” She shrugged at his questioning look. “It would’ve been nice to do all that growing up together.”
Noah’s expression softened too. He couldn’t even imagine the mess he’d be right now if he hadn’t had Luke with him to help him ‘grow up.’ “I don’t know where I’d be without him,” he confessed quietly. Krista shifted a little next to him, and Noah suddenly remembered that they hadn’t ever really discussed his relationship with Luke all that much. “Sorry.”
“God, Noah, for what?” she shook her head, inched a little closer. “You two love each other, anyone can see that!” Getting in even closer, putting her hand on his knee, “I’ll admit, hon, it wasn’t something I was expecting when we first got word that you were alive and all. But I see how much you mean to each other, and it’s no different from how Tyler and I feel.”
“I don’t mean to doubt you,” he protested quietly.
“I know,” she promised. “Besides, you’d be gay even if you’d been with us this whole time, just like you’d be a film student and big ol’ dork too,” she laughed at the face he made at her. “First and foremost, you’re my little brother. That’s what matters to me.”
“And everyone else?” he forced himself to ask around a suddenly scratchy throat.
She paused for a second. “I think they feel the same,” she answered. “Don’t worry about Justin. I know he hasn’t been quite as… embracing about all of this, but it hasn’t been easy for him. He took it really hard when you were taken. He thought it was his fault because he was the oldest and he should have been looking out for his little brother when it happened.”
“Really?” Noah had a hard time picturing the intimidatingly quiet man as this protective, caring older brother.
“Yeah,” Krista turned sad. “As we got older, and it was more and more apparent that you weren’t coming back… he got angry. Rebelled a lot, got into the kind of trouble he was lucky to get out of, you know? He’s only recently gotten it together, but he’s been working really hard to get his life on track. Just give him some time.”
“No, it’s okay,” Noah wanted to comfort her. “I understand, trust me. And honestly, just now getting his life together? I can relate to that.”
Krista looked like she wanted him to expand on that a little bit, but once again a Snyder felt the need to interrupt. “Noahhhh,” Ethan whined just a little bit, climbing up into his lap without an invitation.
Noah smiled, pulling Ethan back against him to keep him steady. “Tired, buddy?” Ethan nodded, turning to put his arms around Noah’s neck, the international sign for ‘Carry Me.’ “Okay, let’s head on home then.” He stood up, shifting Ethan to one side so he could hold onto Natalie’s flowers with the other hand. “NatBug! Time to go!” he called out.
Instead of protesting, like he expected her to, Natalie came back over to them almost immediately, ready to go. Then he noticed another carefully made bouquet of flowers in her hand. “Are those for your mom?” he asked with a smile.
She shook her head. “Nope! They’re for her,” she turned and offered the bouquet to Krista.
Krista stood almost frozen for a second, eyes bright. “For me?”
Natalie bobble-headed her yes. “Yep!”
“Why?” Krista couldn’t help but ask. Noah stood by, just as dumbfounded, Ethan resting against his shoulder.
“Because your Noah’s sister,” Natalie answered, as though the answer were obvious. She looked up to Noah for confirmation. “Right?”
Noah looked down at the little girl, then back up at Krista. He smiled at all of them. “Right,” he answered. “She is.”
************
( CONTINUE IN 10b)