FIC: CASTAWAY 1/1
Title: Castaway
Chapter: One-Shot (Companion fic to " Comfort" and " Confrontation")
Author: carolinablu85
Rating: R for language
Spoilers: current storyline, I guess kinda takes place after the July 26, 2009 episode-ish
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cell phone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
A/N: And once again, Ella takes her frustration with the show out on her fics. More specifically, on Luke. Sorry. But I didnt want to rant in regular prose form, so here I am once more putting it all into a character's mouth. And this time? It's Noah. And Noah ain't really holding back ;) So if you don't want to read Luke getting yelled at (or, okay, angrily lectured), then maybe don't read this. Also, I'm running on lack of sleep and waffles right now, so I have no idea if this is even a good fic. But it's kinda cathartic, at least for me. Which is why I'm still not sure if I'll post it on the comm or anywhere else, just because I'm pretty damn sure some bias is showing through here! But anyway (hee) enjoy?
Luke had been pretty damn hesitant, when Casey first suggested going to Yo’s for some greasy nachos and beer (and soda). Mainly because they hadn’t really had that much contact since Casey’s tirade to him at the hospital over a month ago. But that was how Casey convinced him, finally. They needed to get past that and be friends again.
Luke had to admit, he missed this. Hanging out with friends, blowing off steam, having conversations that weren’t supposed to change your life every time you had one. There was no pressure with Casey. It was pure fun. “God, it’s been a long time since we’ve done this, Case,” he had to say.
“Well duh,” Casey pointed out. “When would we have had time? You’re always following your boyfriend around, and I’ve been busy with school and work and my parents and Alison. Not exactly matched up schedules there, man.”
Luke had to concede that (though he didn’t like how his life was summed up in one thing while Casey was all over the place). “Well then it’s a good thing Ali’s spending the night in and Reid is at work, huh?”
“Damn right!” Casey raised his mug of beer, clinking it against Luke’s glass. He started telling some story about his and Alison’s last date, but suddenly Luke couldn’t hear him. It was just like in a movie; somehow all the sound cut off and things went into slow-motion. Because Noah was just walking into Yo’s.
For a second Luke thought he might combust. He hadn’t seen Noah since that day at Java, since the day Reid almost left town. God, had it really been over a month? It used to be he couldn’t go a few hours without checking in, finding out what Noah was up to, where he was. How had that stretched to over a month?
Luckily, Noah didn’t see him. He was surrounded by six or seven guys- Luke recognized Jeff and that other barista from Java, plus a couple guys from Noah’s film classes Luke had seen before. And another guy he didn’t know. A guy who was good-looking in that annoyingly effortless way. A guy who was standing way too close to Noah, obviously teasing him about something. Luke could tell, because Noah had that particular smile on his face, the ‘you’re obviously just being kind to me and I don’t know why but it’s nice’ smile.
The whole group headed straight for the bar, talking on familiar, friendly terms to the bartender. Luke barely noticed, much more concerned with the fact that the shirt Noah was wearing was new. And he looked good in it. It was a little tighter than the graphic tees Noah usually wore, sculpted more to his chest and arms. Which, Luke had to wonder, might’ve looked a little more muscular than they used to. Was Noah working out now? Going to a gym? Playing sports? It bothered Luke that he didn’t know.
He kept watching as the guys all got their bottles of beer, Noah and two others sitting on stools while the rest stood. Annoyingly Hot Stranger got his friends’ attention, obviously making some sort of toast. Pretty soon, Luke could see that the toast was directed towards Noah. They were celebrating something, something for Noah. And again it bothered him that he didn’t know.
Casey’s voice slowly filtered back into his ears. “And then we got rocket cars and went to the moon and became florists.”
Luke shook his head quickly. “What?”
Casey rolled his eyes. “Dude, you’ve been tuning me out for like five minutes! What gives, is there a hot guy over there or something?” Before Luke could stop him, Casey turned towards the bar. And then went still, as much as someone like Casey can be still. “Well. I guess there is.” And then he must’ve forgotten everything, because he smiled. “Man, I can’t believe Carter got him out here! I mean, thank God, because usually when Noah’s not at work or school or the hospital, he’s shut up in his room as though he…” and then Casey trailed off. Remembering who he was with and what he was about to say.
“Who’s Carter?” Luke asked in a well-crafted casual tone.
“He’s a friend of Noah’s from OU. A really cool guy, actually. Funny. Is a badass at Rock Band, let me tell you. He’s hung out at Ali and Noah’s place a few times,” Casey shrugged, as though that wasn’t a crazy outlandish thing to say.
Luke desperately (more desperately than he wanted to admit) wanted to clarify what ‘friend’ meant, but couldn’t. Because maybe he didn’t really want to know. But then Carter leaned in close to Noah, trying to talk over the loud music, hand on Noah’s bicep. And whatever he said made Noah laugh and smile up at him, and Luke thought the smile looked a little nervous and surprised, and maybe that was it.
And as happened far too often in his life, Luke acted without thinking things through. He stood, pushing his chair away from the table, and walked over to the bar. He made it all the way to Noah before Noah even knew he was there. Tapping him on the shoulder, he put on his best smile. “Hey.”
Noah turned, and not only did the smile drop from his own face, but almost all his color did too. “Luke?”
“Hey,” Luke said again, hoping it didn’t sound incredibly lame. Luckily, Noah looked too shocked to understand any English, so Luke took a quick advantage of the situation. “I need to talk to you for a second, come with me?” He grabbed Noah’s hand almost instinctively and tugged him off the bar stool, pulling him away from the group he was with.
“O-okay,” Noah let himself be led away to the back of Yo’s and out the side door to the alley behind the bar.
Then Luke stopped, turning around to face him. They stood staring at each other, unsure of what was supposed to happen next. Unsure of how they got here. Finally, Luke realized he should probably say something. “Hi,” was all that came out.
“Hi…” Noah replied almost without thinking, programmed to respond to a polite greeting. He was still nervous though. Cautious.
Suddenly it was like the bowstring just got pulled too tightly. It snapped from all the pressure, and Luke did too. He grabbed Noah by his upper arms, close to where Carter had touched him, shoved him back against the brick wall, and kissed him hard. With enough force to drive the air out of both their lungs.
For like one second, it was perfect. Not the first second, because Noah was still frozen with shock. But second number two, when Noah kissed him back, was oh so perfect. Luke wanted to live forever in that second.
But in the third second Noah was shoving him away, taking a few steps back, hands up almost to ward him off. Luke took a moment to catch his breath, then looked up at him. And the look on Noah’s face almost had him taking a few steps back of his own. Noah didn’t look shaken, or confused, or even happy. He looked pissed.
“What the hell was that?” he snapped, voice deep and rough.
Luke shrugged, trying to go for bravado. Faking his way through it. “I… I saw you and I wanted to kiss you.”
“Why?” Noah demanded. “Because I was talking to another guy?”
“No!” Luke was quick to say. “No. It’s just, well, I saw you there. With these friends I don’t know, wearing this shirt I’ve never seen before, and I guess I didn’t realize how much I missed you.”
Noah’s expression didn’t soften at all. “Is that supposed to make me feel okay about this? That I’ve been reduced to ‘out of sight, out of mind’ with you? You’ve been happy to forget I exist until you see me having fun, and then you have to ruin it?”
“I wasn’t trying to ruin anything, Noah, I was trying to kiss you,” Luke made sure his voice stayed steady. “I thought you liked kissing me.”
Okay, obviously not the right thing to say. Noah just looked more upset. “Not like this. Not with this ‘you,’ this version of you that I don’t know.” He shook his head, looking wrecked. “You’re not my Luke.”
Speaking of wrecked, Luke was pretty sure his chest was feeling that way. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Noah took a deep breath, then looked him in the eye. “My Luke wouldn’t cheat on his boyfriend.”
Well, that was a good shot. Luke felt it in his stomach, and he couldn’t help but flinch. “I don’t want to talk about Reid.”
And it looked like Noah couldn’t help but flinch either. “I don’t want to talk at all.”
Good, Luke thought to himself. If Noah would just let him kiss him again, then maybe they could…
He took a step forward, but Noah just backed up, even more upset. “What are you doing? Do you really think you can kiss me and mess with me like this, then turn around go home to your boyfriend?”
“I’m not messing with you,” Luke argued, starting to get a little angry himself.
“Yes you are, Luke!” Noah’s voice was shaking now. “I’m finally getting it together. I’m trying to figure myself and everything out. I’m finally making friends and don’t feel stupid around them. I’m finally sleeping all the way through the night, finally not flinching at every loud bang thinking it’s fireworks or gunshots or whatever, I’m finally able to breathe without feeling like I’m about to die. And now you want to show up, kiss me, and then leave again? It can’t work like that.”
“Noah…” Luke stared at him, shocked almost as much by the volume of words as by what the words actually were. “You still get upset by-?”
“Stop it!” Noah held a hand up. “Please! You can’t do this, you can’t pretend like you care now.”
And now Luke was stepping forward, insistent. “Of course I care about you. I’m always going to care about you. That doesn’t change.”
“Really?” Noah’s angry-incredulous face was back. Ironically, the last time Luke had seen it had been here. At Yo’s. When everything had gone to hell. “Really? Because that’s not how it’s been going.”
“What?”
“Not when you spend all your time perfectly happy with your new boyfriend, flirting and smiling and kissing him all over town. Everywhere I go I have to hear people talking about that amazing doctor and his boyfriend and how happy they are together.” Noah shook his head, fixing him with another glare. “It seems like you’re doing pretty well for yourself. You’ve moved on just fine. Closed the chapter on that last relationship pretty damn well.”
He saw the hurt, the insecurity playing across Noah’s face, and had to try to take it away. “I have to be that way, Noah. I have to keep you out of my brain, or it starts to hurt all over again.”
Noah backed away, his arms wrapping around his middle. “Yeah, well, that hurts me. When you cut me out like that, it means everyone does. You still get your family to tell you how wonderful you are not matter what, and your friends and your boyfriend and your job or jobs or whatever you’re doing now. You left me with nothing.”
“Noah, that’s not true,” Luke had to protest again. No way would his family ever cut Noah out. Though he couldn’t remember the last time his parents or grandmothers had mentioned him…
Noah wasn’t even looking at him anymore. “You go around acting like the last three years, like everything we went through together and ever said or did- like it all so easy to forget. Like it was all for nothing. Like I- we- shouldn’t have gone through it in the first place. Like it’s so easy for you to sweep it under the rug.” He shook his head again. “I don’t like being there, Luke. Makes me feel like every good thing I’ve done since coming to this town wasn’t worth anything at all.”
Luke didn’t know how long he’d been crying, but he was. And couldn’t stop. He fumbled for the right words. “I’m sorry, Noah. I’m so sorry. I just hated how I was feeling. And seeing that guy in there talking to you, it snapped something in me.”
Noah sighed almost wearily. Looking upwards as though praying for strength. “You thought that I had moved on or something? Like how I have to feel every goddamn day? You have no right to do that, Luke. Not when I was made to feel like shit for getting upset about you and him.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
But Noah was on a roll now, words spilling out of him. “Do I have to keep myself away from everyone for the rest of my time in Oakdale, just so you feel better? And I can’t talk to any other gay men especially, because if I do it must mean we’re fucking, right? It’s not fair, Luke.”
“I don’t want you to be alone,” Luke responded quietly, painfully. “I want you to be with me. We loved each other, Noah.”
Noah just nodded. “And the thing that kills me? You’re using ‘love’ in the past tense. I honestly don’t know what you feel for me now. And yeah, I’m always going to love you, always going to be in love with you. But with you, Luke. This, this isn’t you. I don’t know this version of you, I don’t understand it.”
He was pulling away. Luke had the sudden fear that if he left now, Luke would never see him again. He took a tiny step closer. “I couldn’t help it, okay? I saw you, I had to kiss you. Kissing you feels like… I just needed to do it. It always feels right, like balance and center and what I need to stand upright. I needed that for a little while.”
Noah’s eyes flashed bright again, this time not from anger but from hurt. “If I had kissed you back, what would’ve happened tonight?”
Luke almost flinched again. Shit. “What?”
It was a poor stall, and Noah saw right through it. “You kissed me because you needed it for a little while, then you were going to go home to your boyfriend. And tomorrow you’ll be his Luke again. So, um, thanks. Giving me like one second of oxygen before leaving me to drown some more.”
“Noah…” he reached for him, feeling like it was the last few seconds of the basketball game, the other team was up by two and they had the ball. Like there was no way to win this one.
“Because you needed that feeling for a little while,” he said again. “If you want me, Luke? You have to do it the right way. Not in some dark back alley while your boyfriend’s at work. Figure out who you really are and what you really want. Don’t use me to do it for you.” He turned and headed back to the door. Just before going back into Yo’s, he paused. But kept his back to Luke. “Thanks, Luke. I don’t feel balanced right now. I feel cheap.”
And then he was inside. And Luke was on the outside. Alone. He wiped at the tears still on his face, staring at where Noah had just disappeared. And he didn’t know whether to be upset and offended at everything Noah had said, or depressed that most of it was probably true.
He gritted his teeth, angry and confused, and then punched the wall that now separated him and Noah. That was fitting, right? Noah had punched the thing that pulled Luke away from him- Reid- and Luke had punched the thing that pulled Noah away- walls. Maybe Noah’s were metaphorical walls, but Luke appreciated the symmetry nonetheless.
He walked back into Yo’s still shaking a little, head in a fog. He stayed back by the door, leaning against the wall for support. Watching Noah. Noah was back talking to his friends, but instead of a beer in his hand he was holding his keys, intent on leaving. The guys around him were all protesting, somewhere between disappointed and concerned, but they let him go.
Except (of course, Luke thought) for Carter. He followed Noah to the exit, looking worried, concerned. Caring. He put an arm lightly around Noah’s shoulders and took the keys from his hand. Then, speaking to him softly, he walked with Noah out of the bar. Noah didn’t look back for Luke.
Luke wasn’t sure what he was looking at until he finally dropped back down at his table, and Casey’s worried yet irritated face appeared in front of him.
“Part of me really doesn’t want to know,” Casey began, speaking slowly. “But I feel like I need to, so I know whether or not I should be punching you again.” Luke can’t get himself to say anything, but part of the story must have been written on his face. Casey sighed heavily, pulling out his phone and hitting a speed dial. “Hey, it’s me. Watch out for Noah tonight, okay? He might be a ‘Luke’ mood when he gets home. Love you.”
He snapped his phone shut and turned expectantly back to Luke. “Ali will take care of Noah. What about you?”
“Ali will?” Luke finally found his voice. “Or will Carter?”
Casey’s face darkened for just a second before he closed his eyes, taking deep, calming breaths. “Dude, don’t go there. For many reasons.” Carter is Noah’s friend. You have a boyfriend. You’ve been treating your ex-boyfriend like shit for awhile now. There were probably more.
It was Luke’s turn to sigh, leaning forward just enough to drop his head into his hands, feeling the sting on his knuckles from where he had punched the wall. “This is all a mess.”
He could sense Casey’s nod without looking up. “You know, I may have been in an aggressive ’roid-y mood when I said this before, but it’s still true. Luke, you have to figure your shit out on your own. And stop using guys as the distraction or the answer.”
It left Luke with that same swampy, shamed feeling as it did the last time Casey had said it. And just like last time, Luke didn’t have any words in reply. The entire... fight? conversation? airing of grievances? with Noah played over and over in his brain, relentless. And each time it looped back to the beginning, Luke got more freaked out. Partly because Noah had said 'for the rest of my time in Oakdale' as though he wouldn't always be here (and just what had he been celebrating in the first place?), and partly because... well, Luke hated to admit that Noah and Casey were right. And Luke didn't know if he knew how to fix it. Or himself.
Or, as he glanced back to the door where Noah had left (with Carter), whether or not he had let some things get too broken to be put back together at all...
Chapter: One-Shot (Companion fic to " Comfort" and " Confrontation")
Author: carolinablu85
Rating: R for language
Spoilers: current storyline, I guess kinda takes place after the July 26, 2009 episode-ish
Disclaimer: I disclaim. I own a pair of sneakers, a cell phone, and some other stuff. The show? Nope, not that.
A/N: And once again, Ella takes her frustration with the show out on her fics. More specifically, on Luke. Sorry. But I didnt want to rant in regular prose form, so here I am once more putting it all into a character's mouth. And this time? It's Noah. And Noah ain't really holding back ;) So if you don't want to read Luke getting yelled at (or, okay, angrily lectured), then maybe don't read this. Also, I'm running on lack of sleep and waffles right now, so I have no idea if this is even a good fic. But it's kinda cathartic, at least for me. Which is why I'm still not sure if I'll post it on the comm or anywhere else, just because I'm pretty damn sure some bias is showing through here! But anyway (hee) enjoy?
Luke had been pretty damn hesitant, when Casey first suggested going to Yo’s for some greasy nachos and beer (and soda). Mainly because they hadn’t really had that much contact since Casey’s tirade to him at the hospital over a month ago. But that was how Casey convinced him, finally. They needed to get past that and be friends again.
Luke had to admit, he missed this. Hanging out with friends, blowing off steam, having conversations that weren’t supposed to change your life every time you had one. There was no pressure with Casey. It was pure fun. “God, it’s been a long time since we’ve done this, Case,” he had to say.
“Well duh,” Casey pointed out. “When would we have had time? You’re always following your boyfriend around, and I’ve been busy with school and work and my parents and Alison. Not exactly matched up schedules there, man.”
Luke had to concede that (though he didn’t like how his life was summed up in one thing while Casey was all over the place). “Well then it’s a good thing Ali’s spending the night in and Reid is at work, huh?”
“Damn right!” Casey raised his mug of beer, clinking it against Luke’s glass. He started telling some story about his and Alison’s last date, but suddenly Luke couldn’t hear him. It was just like in a movie; somehow all the sound cut off and things went into slow-motion. Because Noah was just walking into Yo’s.
For a second Luke thought he might combust. He hadn’t seen Noah since that day at Java, since the day Reid almost left town. God, had it really been over a month? It used to be he couldn’t go a few hours without checking in, finding out what Noah was up to, where he was. How had that stretched to over a month?
Luckily, Noah didn’t see him. He was surrounded by six or seven guys- Luke recognized Jeff and that other barista from Java, plus a couple guys from Noah’s film classes Luke had seen before. And another guy he didn’t know. A guy who was good-looking in that annoyingly effortless way. A guy who was standing way too close to Noah, obviously teasing him about something. Luke could tell, because Noah had that particular smile on his face, the ‘you’re obviously just being kind to me and I don’t know why but it’s nice’ smile.
The whole group headed straight for the bar, talking on familiar, friendly terms to the bartender. Luke barely noticed, much more concerned with the fact that the shirt Noah was wearing was new. And he looked good in it. It was a little tighter than the graphic tees Noah usually wore, sculpted more to his chest and arms. Which, Luke had to wonder, might’ve looked a little more muscular than they used to. Was Noah working out now? Going to a gym? Playing sports? It bothered Luke that he didn’t know.
He kept watching as the guys all got their bottles of beer, Noah and two others sitting on stools while the rest stood. Annoyingly Hot Stranger got his friends’ attention, obviously making some sort of toast. Pretty soon, Luke could see that the toast was directed towards Noah. They were celebrating something, something for Noah. And again it bothered him that he didn’t know.
Casey’s voice slowly filtered back into his ears. “And then we got rocket cars and went to the moon and became florists.”
Luke shook his head quickly. “What?”
Casey rolled his eyes. “Dude, you’ve been tuning me out for like five minutes! What gives, is there a hot guy over there or something?” Before Luke could stop him, Casey turned towards the bar. And then went still, as much as someone like Casey can be still. “Well. I guess there is.” And then he must’ve forgotten everything, because he smiled. “Man, I can’t believe Carter got him out here! I mean, thank God, because usually when Noah’s not at work or school or the hospital, he’s shut up in his room as though he…” and then Casey trailed off. Remembering who he was with and what he was about to say.
“Who’s Carter?” Luke asked in a well-crafted casual tone.
“He’s a friend of Noah’s from OU. A really cool guy, actually. Funny. Is a badass at Rock Band, let me tell you. He’s hung out at Ali and Noah’s place a few times,” Casey shrugged, as though that wasn’t a crazy outlandish thing to say.
Luke desperately (more desperately than he wanted to admit) wanted to clarify what ‘friend’ meant, but couldn’t. Because maybe he didn’t really want to know. But then Carter leaned in close to Noah, trying to talk over the loud music, hand on Noah’s bicep. And whatever he said made Noah laugh and smile up at him, and Luke thought the smile looked a little nervous and surprised, and maybe that was it.
And as happened far too often in his life, Luke acted without thinking things through. He stood, pushing his chair away from the table, and walked over to the bar. He made it all the way to Noah before Noah even knew he was there. Tapping him on the shoulder, he put on his best smile. “Hey.”
Noah turned, and not only did the smile drop from his own face, but almost all his color did too. “Luke?”
“Hey,” Luke said again, hoping it didn’t sound incredibly lame. Luckily, Noah looked too shocked to understand any English, so Luke took a quick advantage of the situation. “I need to talk to you for a second, come with me?” He grabbed Noah’s hand almost instinctively and tugged him off the bar stool, pulling him away from the group he was with.
“O-okay,” Noah let himself be led away to the back of Yo’s and out the side door to the alley behind the bar.
Then Luke stopped, turning around to face him. They stood staring at each other, unsure of what was supposed to happen next. Unsure of how they got here. Finally, Luke realized he should probably say something. “Hi,” was all that came out.
“Hi…” Noah replied almost without thinking, programmed to respond to a polite greeting. He was still nervous though. Cautious.
Suddenly it was like the bowstring just got pulled too tightly. It snapped from all the pressure, and Luke did too. He grabbed Noah by his upper arms, close to where Carter had touched him, shoved him back against the brick wall, and kissed him hard. With enough force to drive the air out of both their lungs.
For like one second, it was perfect. Not the first second, because Noah was still frozen with shock. But second number two, when Noah kissed him back, was oh so perfect. Luke wanted to live forever in that second.
But in the third second Noah was shoving him away, taking a few steps back, hands up almost to ward him off. Luke took a moment to catch his breath, then looked up at him. And the look on Noah’s face almost had him taking a few steps back of his own. Noah didn’t look shaken, or confused, or even happy. He looked pissed.
“What the hell was that?” he snapped, voice deep and rough.
Luke shrugged, trying to go for bravado. Faking his way through it. “I… I saw you and I wanted to kiss you.”
“Why?” Noah demanded. “Because I was talking to another guy?”
“No!” Luke was quick to say. “No. It’s just, well, I saw you there. With these friends I don’t know, wearing this shirt I’ve never seen before, and I guess I didn’t realize how much I missed you.”
Noah’s expression didn’t soften at all. “Is that supposed to make me feel okay about this? That I’ve been reduced to ‘out of sight, out of mind’ with you? You’ve been happy to forget I exist until you see me having fun, and then you have to ruin it?”
“I wasn’t trying to ruin anything, Noah, I was trying to kiss you,” Luke made sure his voice stayed steady. “I thought you liked kissing me.”
Okay, obviously not the right thing to say. Noah just looked more upset. “Not like this. Not with this ‘you,’ this version of you that I don’t know.” He shook his head, looking wrecked. “You’re not my Luke.”
Speaking of wrecked, Luke was pretty sure his chest was feeling that way. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Noah took a deep breath, then looked him in the eye. “My Luke wouldn’t cheat on his boyfriend.”
Well, that was a good shot. Luke felt it in his stomach, and he couldn’t help but flinch. “I don’t want to talk about Reid.”
And it looked like Noah couldn’t help but flinch either. “I don’t want to talk at all.”
Good, Luke thought to himself. If Noah would just let him kiss him again, then maybe they could…
He took a step forward, but Noah just backed up, even more upset. “What are you doing? Do you really think you can kiss me and mess with me like this, then turn around go home to your boyfriend?”
“I’m not messing with you,” Luke argued, starting to get a little angry himself.
“Yes you are, Luke!” Noah’s voice was shaking now. “I’m finally getting it together. I’m trying to figure myself and everything out. I’m finally making friends and don’t feel stupid around them. I’m finally sleeping all the way through the night, finally not flinching at every loud bang thinking it’s fireworks or gunshots or whatever, I’m finally able to breathe without feeling like I’m about to die. And now you want to show up, kiss me, and then leave again? It can’t work like that.”
“Noah…” Luke stared at him, shocked almost as much by the volume of words as by what the words actually were. “You still get upset by-?”
“Stop it!” Noah held a hand up. “Please! You can’t do this, you can’t pretend like you care now.”
And now Luke was stepping forward, insistent. “Of course I care about you. I’m always going to care about you. That doesn’t change.”
“Really?” Noah’s angry-incredulous face was back. Ironically, the last time Luke had seen it had been here. At Yo’s. When everything had gone to hell. “Really? Because that’s not how it’s been going.”
“What?”
“Not when you spend all your time perfectly happy with your new boyfriend, flirting and smiling and kissing him all over town. Everywhere I go I have to hear people talking about that amazing doctor and his boyfriend and how happy they are together.” Noah shook his head, fixing him with another glare. “It seems like you’re doing pretty well for yourself. You’ve moved on just fine. Closed the chapter on that last relationship pretty damn well.”
He saw the hurt, the insecurity playing across Noah’s face, and had to try to take it away. “I have to be that way, Noah. I have to keep you out of my brain, or it starts to hurt all over again.”
Noah backed away, his arms wrapping around his middle. “Yeah, well, that hurts me. When you cut me out like that, it means everyone does. You still get your family to tell you how wonderful you are not matter what, and your friends and your boyfriend and your job or jobs or whatever you’re doing now. You left me with nothing.”
“Noah, that’s not true,” Luke had to protest again. No way would his family ever cut Noah out. Though he couldn’t remember the last time his parents or grandmothers had mentioned him…
Noah wasn’t even looking at him anymore. “You go around acting like the last three years, like everything we went through together and ever said or did- like it all so easy to forget. Like it was all for nothing. Like I- we- shouldn’t have gone through it in the first place. Like it’s so easy for you to sweep it under the rug.” He shook his head again. “I don’t like being there, Luke. Makes me feel like every good thing I’ve done since coming to this town wasn’t worth anything at all.”
Luke didn’t know how long he’d been crying, but he was. And couldn’t stop. He fumbled for the right words. “I’m sorry, Noah. I’m so sorry. I just hated how I was feeling. And seeing that guy in there talking to you, it snapped something in me.”
Noah sighed almost wearily. Looking upwards as though praying for strength. “You thought that I had moved on or something? Like how I have to feel every goddamn day? You have no right to do that, Luke. Not when I was made to feel like shit for getting upset about you and him.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
But Noah was on a roll now, words spilling out of him. “Do I have to keep myself away from everyone for the rest of my time in Oakdale, just so you feel better? And I can’t talk to any other gay men especially, because if I do it must mean we’re fucking, right? It’s not fair, Luke.”
“I don’t want you to be alone,” Luke responded quietly, painfully. “I want you to be with me. We loved each other, Noah.”
Noah just nodded. “And the thing that kills me? You’re using ‘love’ in the past tense. I honestly don’t know what you feel for me now. And yeah, I’m always going to love you, always going to be in love with you. But with you, Luke. This, this isn’t you. I don’t know this version of you, I don’t understand it.”
He was pulling away. Luke had the sudden fear that if he left now, Luke would never see him again. He took a tiny step closer. “I couldn’t help it, okay? I saw you, I had to kiss you. Kissing you feels like… I just needed to do it. It always feels right, like balance and center and what I need to stand upright. I needed that for a little while.”
Noah’s eyes flashed bright again, this time not from anger but from hurt. “If I had kissed you back, what would’ve happened tonight?”
Luke almost flinched again. Shit. “What?”
It was a poor stall, and Noah saw right through it. “You kissed me because you needed it for a little while, then you were going to go home to your boyfriend. And tomorrow you’ll be his Luke again. So, um, thanks. Giving me like one second of oxygen before leaving me to drown some more.”
“Noah…” he reached for him, feeling like it was the last few seconds of the basketball game, the other team was up by two and they had the ball. Like there was no way to win this one.
“Because you needed that feeling for a little while,” he said again. “If you want me, Luke? You have to do it the right way. Not in some dark back alley while your boyfriend’s at work. Figure out who you really are and what you really want. Don’t use me to do it for you.” He turned and headed back to the door. Just before going back into Yo’s, he paused. But kept his back to Luke. “Thanks, Luke. I don’t feel balanced right now. I feel cheap.”
And then he was inside. And Luke was on the outside. Alone. He wiped at the tears still on his face, staring at where Noah had just disappeared. And he didn’t know whether to be upset and offended at everything Noah had said, or depressed that most of it was probably true.
He gritted his teeth, angry and confused, and then punched the wall that now separated him and Noah. That was fitting, right? Noah had punched the thing that pulled Luke away from him- Reid- and Luke had punched the thing that pulled Noah away- walls. Maybe Noah’s were metaphorical walls, but Luke appreciated the symmetry nonetheless.
He walked back into Yo’s still shaking a little, head in a fog. He stayed back by the door, leaning against the wall for support. Watching Noah. Noah was back talking to his friends, but instead of a beer in his hand he was holding his keys, intent on leaving. The guys around him were all protesting, somewhere between disappointed and concerned, but they let him go.
Except (of course, Luke thought) for Carter. He followed Noah to the exit, looking worried, concerned. Caring. He put an arm lightly around Noah’s shoulders and took the keys from his hand. Then, speaking to him softly, he walked with Noah out of the bar. Noah didn’t look back for Luke.
Luke wasn’t sure what he was looking at until he finally dropped back down at his table, and Casey’s worried yet irritated face appeared in front of him.
“Part of me really doesn’t want to know,” Casey began, speaking slowly. “But I feel like I need to, so I know whether or not I should be punching you again.” Luke can’t get himself to say anything, but part of the story must have been written on his face. Casey sighed heavily, pulling out his phone and hitting a speed dial. “Hey, it’s me. Watch out for Noah tonight, okay? He might be a ‘Luke’ mood when he gets home. Love you.”
He snapped his phone shut and turned expectantly back to Luke. “Ali will take care of Noah. What about you?”
“Ali will?” Luke finally found his voice. “Or will Carter?”
Casey’s face darkened for just a second before he closed his eyes, taking deep, calming breaths. “Dude, don’t go there. For many reasons.” Carter is Noah’s friend. You have a boyfriend. You’ve been treating your ex-boyfriend like shit for awhile now. There were probably more.
It was Luke’s turn to sigh, leaning forward just enough to drop his head into his hands, feeling the sting on his knuckles from where he had punched the wall. “This is all a mess.”
He could sense Casey’s nod without looking up. “You know, I may have been in an aggressive ’roid-y mood when I said this before, but it’s still true. Luke, you have to figure your shit out on your own. And stop using guys as the distraction or the answer.”
It left Luke with that same swampy, shamed feeling as it did the last time Casey had said it. And just like last time, Luke didn’t have any words in reply. The entire... fight? conversation? airing of grievances? with Noah played over and over in his brain, relentless. And each time it looped back to the beginning, Luke got more freaked out. Partly because Noah had said 'for the rest of my time in Oakdale' as though he wouldn't always be here (and just what had he been celebrating in the first place?), and partly because... well, Luke hated to admit that Noah and Casey were right. And Luke didn't know if he knew how to fix it. Or himself.
Or, as he glanced back to the door where Noah had left (with Carter), whether or not he had let some things get too broken to be put back together at all...