FIC: EVERYTHING YOU EVER 3/4 (Nuke BigBang 2010!)
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 /
Yeah, the Colonel would never have let him be a filmmaker. The Colonel wouldn’t have let him do a lot of things. He had never allowed Noah be any of the things that he really was. A filmmaker. A civilian. Gay.
Hell, he hadn’t even been allowed to be a kid, not since he was seven and the Colonel deemed it time for him to ‘grow up and be a man.’ And it’s since meeting Luke that Noah really realizes what he’s been missing out on.
7. A childhood
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“Noooooaaaaahhhh!” a voice screeched out as only a pre-adolescent could. Noah barely had any time to react before a blonde whirlwind launched herself at him. Luckily his hand-eye coordination had gotten a lot better lately, and he was able to catch Natalie, lifting her up as she threw her arms around him. “Hi!” she giggled, holding onto his neck.
“Well hi,” he said back, smiling back at her. “Do I know you?”
She smiled for a second more before turning serious, almost worried. “Did you forget what I looked like?”
It squeezed at his chest more than he thought it would, but he managed to keep the smile on his face. He felt Luke breathe a little shorter behind him, step closer, but he answered before Luke could say anything. “Nope. You just get older every time I see you, it’s hard to keep track of all these beautiful Snyder women running around.”
Natalie grinned, rolling her eyes. “I’m eight, Noah,” she lectured.
He tilted his head quizzically. “Are you sure?”
She giggled again. “Yes!” He set her down and she hugged him around his waist. “I missed you. I’m glad you and Luke love each other again.”
He had to fight a little harder to keep the smile in place now and not let any other emotion overwhelm. Luke reached out and lightly touched his back, but it was tentative. All they’d been was tentative since getting back together. “Me too,” he answered her steadily.
She grabbed his hand, pulling him further into the house, towards the living room. “And I’m glad you can see again.”
“Me too again,” he glanced back at Luke, who smiled softly and waved him along before heading to the kitchen.
Natalie dragged him over to the couch where Ethan was sitting, bouncing up and down on the cushions. “Noah!” he sing-songed out. “Are you our babysitter?”
Noah sat next to him, resting an arm behind Ethan on the top of the couch. “That’s right, buddy. Luke and I are going to hang out with you guys tonight. Is that cool?”
“Cool!” Ethan near-shouted, still bouncing. “You and Luke?! Yay!”
Noah wondered, not for the first time, if Ethan always talked in exclamation points. It was very possible. “So what are we doing right now?”
Ethan grinned, scooting closer to him. “Natty’s teaching me Mary Mac!”
“Really?” Noah glanced over at Natalie, confused. “What’s Mary Mac?”
Natalie stared at him, shocked. “Noah! You don’t know Miss Mary Mac? It’s like the funnest game ever.”
Loud, sharp voices echoed out from the kitchen. Noah frowned, especially when Natalie and Ethan both rolled their eyes in that typical Snyder fashion. “Faith is being difficult,” Natalie whispered to him, obviously parroting a phrase she’d heard a lot recently. Ethan nodded helpfully.
Noah fought back a smile, pulling Ethan into his lap. “Well okay then. I’ve never played Miss Mary Mac. Will you teach me too, NatBug?”
Both kids giggled at Noah’s overly earnest-pleading expression. “Okay.”
But before she could do anything- “God, Luke!” Faith snapped on her way out of the kitchen, heading for the desk next to the patio door. “I don’t need a friggin’ babysitter! Just leave me alone!”
“Faith, you don’t get to make the rules!” Luke was a few steps behind her, frustration coloring his face. “If you don’t want to be a kid anymore then act like it!”
Faith glared at him, picking up her purse from the desk. “Oh, whatever. I’m so done with this.” Without a glance at all towards Noah and her other siblings, she stormed out, slamming the patio door shut behind her.
“Faith!” Luke called after her ineffectually. He looked over at Noah with a shrug, smiling despite himself at the sight of Ethan sitting in Noah’s lap. “Are you okay for a bit? I should probably…”
Noah nodded, smiling too. “Go ahead. These two will keep an eye on me.”
Luke’s expression softened even more, even as he readied himself for going after Faith. He looked at his little brother and sister mock-sternly. “Is that right? Will you guys make sure Noah stays out of trouble till I get back?”
They both nodded and giggled, even more when Ethan picked up Noah’s hand and made him wave goodbye to Luke. Luke gave an exaggerated wave back, then turned and headed out in search of his wayward-and-now-unfortunately-a-real-teenager sister.
Noah turned back to Natalie and Ethan. “Well? Let’s see what’s so ‘funnest’ about this Mary Mac.”
Sixteen rounds of it later, Noah wasn’t so sure it was in fact the ‘funnest game ever.’ He also couldn’t figure out why seeing elephants jump over a fence was so great, or how it could only cost fifteen cents. But Natalie was having fun, and Ethan really just loved slapping his tiny hands against Noah’s and making a loud smack! sound.
Luke and Faith weren’t back yet, so Noah went into phase two with his charges- Story Time. He picked a book at random, Rapunzel, and settled down on the couch with the kids gathering around close to him, Ethan in his lap and Natalie on his left, leaning in to look at the pictures as he read.
Even though he always felt ridiculously silly reading stories to the kids, he kinda loved doing it. Fairytales were something he’d only gotten to see in movies and old episodes of Wishbone and any other PBS show he could sneak on when his dad wasn’t home. Actually reading them was a new experience for him.
Natalie seemed to enjoy the story, especially the part at the end where the princess was the one who really saved the day, but she was strangely quiet by the time he finished. Even weirder, she was regarding him very intensely. “What’s up, Nat?” he asked, sensing that something important was going on in her head.
Before she could answer, Ethan jumped in. “Noah, are you a prince?”
Noah’s head swiveled sharply to look down at Ethan. “Am I a what-now?”
Ethan pointed at one of the pages in the storybook. “The prince was hurt, and couldn’t see, and then he could again. Like you!”
For a split second the world went dark and cold around him. As it always did when he had to think about those six months of hell. As always, just for a second, he was back there. Drowning. Sinking. Slowly, slowly dying. Sometimes, when Noah could kid himself into thinking it all been a big joke, he referred to it all as his ‘Pit of Despair.’
“Noah?” Natalie’s voice drew him out of the Pit.
He shook his head very quickly, then threw a smile back on his face. “Me? A prince?” he tickled Ethan’s side. “That wouldn’t make Luke a princess, would it?”
Ethan laughed some more, squirming around to avoid the tickling. “No!”
He thought that would be the end of it, but Natalie had been a Snyder for over eight years. She was well-versed in being stubborn. “Was it a miracle?”
He looked at her carefully, noting how serious she was taking this. “Was it a…?”
Natalie reached up slowly, her small fingers brushing against the slight burn scars that were still around his eyes. Most of the time he forgot they were there; they were faded and almost-healed. Maybe when he became a famous director, he’d become vain enough to have cosmetic surgery and get them fully removed.
Natalie was close enough to see them now. “Rapunzel cried on the prince’s eyes, and he wasn’t blind anymore. That’s what happens in these stories, ’cause it’s about true love and stuff. And true love can make miracles come true. Right?”
He stared at her in shock. Wow. Luke was so not the literary expert in the family anymore. He tried to bring himself back to her question. “Right, yeah. Um, I guess in a way it was a miracle, Nat. Luke saved me like Rapunzel did.” If anything else, he had definitely caused Luke to cry like Rapunzel did. “He saved me because he loves me.” Noah felt that little rattle in his chest that he always did now- the relief of getting to use ‘love’ in the present tense again.
“Hey!” Ethan looked up at him, made up of innocently wide eyes and wide smile, snuggling a little more against his chest. “That means you are a prince, Noah!”
Noah shook his head, smiling. “Nope. It means Luke is a hero.” He directed his smile over to Natalie, needing to make sure she was okay now. “Right?”
She was still regarding him intently, but at least now she was smiling, untroubled. “If you say so. I still think he’s too bossy.”
Noah laughed, the tension in his shoulders easing away just a little bit. He leaned down a little so he could whisper, “Me too sometimes.” When he sat back again, Natalie was looking at something over his shoulder, and before he even turned, Noah was pretty sure what it was. Or, more accurately, who it was.
Sure enough, there was Luke leaning against the doorway to the rest of the house, arms crossed. His eyes were bright, his smile somewhere between loving and pained. “Dinner time, kiddos. Go wash your hands while we get the table set up.”
“Spaghetti time!” Ethan’s voice rose a few dozen decibels as he vaulted off of Noah’s lap and past Luke, heading for the bathroom.
Natalie rolled her eyes. “See?” she whispered to Noah. “Bossy.” Then she ran off as well, narrowly avoiding Luke’s teasing poke at her ribs.
And now they were left alone, staring at each other. “F-faith?” Noah finally asked, stumbling onto a topic.
Luke sighed, coming forward and dropping onto the couch next to him. “She’s going to spend the night at the farm. Apparently she’s too old to need babysitters, especially the ones watching her baby sister and brother.”
Noah frowned a little. “I guess I can understand that. It’s too bad, though; I haven’t hung out with her in awhile.”
Luke reached out, his hand grazing Noah’s hair before landing on his shoulder. “You haven’t gotten to hang out with any of them in awhile, huh?” He knew how much Noah liked being around the kids, playing their games, laughing at their knock-knock jokes, watching Sesame Street with them.
Noah didn’t answer, knowing it was obvious. “So for how long were you shamelessly eavesdropping?”
Luke smiled, unabashed. “Long enough to decide your new nickname is Prince Charming.”
He blushed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, well, you change your hairstyle one more time and I’m going to start calling you Rapunzel.”
Luke’s smile softened as he laughed, sliding in even closer. In that time, it was like all the hesitancy, all the awkwardness that was still between them since getting back together… it melted away. Noah felt like he was melting.
Luke leaned in and kissed him once, twice. Sweet, gentle kisses. A third one. Like they used to share when they were just lovestruck boys, when all they had between them were psycho family members and paralysis. Gunshot wounds and Emma’s Rules. You know, simpler times.
None of that was between them anymore. Noah couldn’t help but pull him in, so that the only separation now was from cotton and flannel. Luke kissed him again, then wrapped both arms around him, resting his chin onto Noah’s shoulder.
“You’ve saved me too,” Luke whispered. Noah buried his face in Luke’s neck, breathing deep. In and out, heavy, controlled. Luke held on tighter. “You know that, right?”
Noah sat back a little, reaching out to run a hand through Luke’s spiky-blond hair, smiling a little at the product he could feel in it. He’d never admit it, but he loved how much Luke cared about his own hair, how he could primp and fuss for an hour in front of the mirror.
Luke caught the smile and rolled his eyes, probably knowing what it was for. Noah kept his hand there anyway, still combing through the strands, still smiling. After everything, he didn’t care if Luke used a gallon of product and dyed it all pink. No matter what, at least it was Noah’s to touch again. He was about to say as much, or something a little less embarrassing, when the thunder of little-kid feet interrupted them.
“Dinner time!” Ethan and his exclamation points were back. “Can I have meatballs? And no tomato sauce? And chocolate milk?”
Noah and Luke stared at each other, smiling ruefully. Then Luke sighed, pressed another quick kiss to Noah’s forehead, and stood up. “I’ll see what I can do, Monkey.”
Noah followed Luke around the couch to the kitchen, picking up Ethan along the way when the boy held out his arms for him. “Really, buddy? You want chocolate milk on your spaghetti?” He made a big grossed-out face.
“Ewww, Noah!” Ethan laughed. “Chocolate milk in a cup, meatballs on the spaghetti!”
“Ohhh, okay. That makes more sense.” Noah swung him around so he was riding piggyback. “Can I have chocolate milk too?”
Luke turned from the stove, pretending to think it over. “I don’t know, did you behave yourself while I was gone?” he asked. Natalie giggled (did she know how to laugh any other way?) as she started setting the table.
Noah settled Ethan down in his booster seat and then went to the fridge for everyone’s drinks. “Of course I did. I learned how to play Miss Mary Mac. And I read a story. And apparently I’m a prince, so I think I get chocolate milk.”
“Luke does too!” Natalie piped up, sitting down next to Ethan. “Because he’s a hero and he healed you. So he gets some too, because he loves you, right?”
Noah closed the fridge, leaning over Luke who was stirring the spaghetti sauce. He rested his forehead in Luke’s product-filled hair, reveling in the warmth. In the complete lack of tension and discomfiture that had been there even hours ago. “Yeah,” he murmured quietly, for only Luke to hear. “He deserves some too.”
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Luke has healed him in a way, hasn’t he? He’s always so good at that, knowing how to make Noah feel better. Whether it’s physical or mental (and with Noah, there’s always plenty of ‘mental’ to get through), Luke has a way of getting Noah to a better place than he thinks he should be.
His thoughts travel back to just after Ameera had arrived in Oakdale, the day they had attempted to go to Statesville but ended up in the hospital instead, the day those two drunken idiots attacked them on the road.
Noah can’t remember much from that first night back at the farm, but Luke has told him this story so many times that it almost doesn’t matter anymore.
8. Comfort
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Luke eased the bedroom door open, ducking just his head inside. He had no reason to feel guilty, did he? He wasn’t exactly breaking Emma’s Rules. And anyway, Noah had a concussion. He needed to be checked on every couple of hours. Or, at least, that would be his excuse.
Noah was there in bed, curled on his side facing the doorway. He was asleep, but in no way resting. Grimacing, hands twisted into fists, shaking slightly- Noah was in the middle of a nightmare.
Well, that sealed things for Luke. He entered the room fully, shutting the door behind him with a firm click and making his way to Noah’s bed. “Noah? Noah, hey…” he leaned in close and gently rubbed his shoulder, trying to wake him up.
He came out of the nightmare with a snap, hand coming up defensively as if to ward off a hit. It made Luke flinch, and he just as quickly pulled back his own hands. Noah shook his head once, wincing at the motion, before focusing on him. “Luke?”
Luke managed a smile, slowly reaching again to rest a hand on Noah’s wrist. “Hey. You okay?”
It must have been bad, because Noah put his hand on top of Luke’s, squeezing lightly. Wanting the comfort. Then he nodded. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Just give me a minute.”
Luke frowned. “I don’t really know what you’re apologizing for, but okay.” He moved closer, settling down on the bed next to him. He made sure to stay sitting though, leaning back against the wooden headboard, on top of all the covers that were tucked around Noah. Just in case someone walked in and got the wrong idea.
“You’re in my room,” Noah pointed out, confused.
“I am?” Luke looked shocked. “No way.” He grinned when Noah rolled his eyes. “You have a concussion,” he reminded. “Aren’t we supposed to check on you every four hours or something?”
Noah shrugged one shoulder carefully. He hadn’t moved from his position. “You’re not holding up any fingers.”
He grinned. “Well, if you can tell that then you must be okay.” He used his free hand to smooth out the comforter covering Noah, taking just a second to run though Noah’s sleep-messy hair before sitting back again. “What were you dreaming about?” he asked softly, his thumb rubbing against Noah’s long fingers.
Noah was quiet for a long time, but Luke expected that. He waited, letting his clasped hand do the reassuring for him. Finally, Noah looked up at him. “We were on the side of the road. Those two guys were… They had rifles.”
Luke’s blood ran cold, and he fought back a shudder, not wanting to scare Noah away. “Rifles?”
Noah nodded, looking at something that wasn’t there in the room with them. “They were going to shoot us. And I didn’t-” his breath hitched but he kept going. “I didn’t do anything to stop them. I just stood there. I let it happen. I let you get shot.”
“Noah…” Luke squeezed his hand tight now.
“I stood there, and I didn’t try to fight him or anything. I watched him shoot you. I didn’t…” he stopped, bit his lip.
His blood was below freezing now. ‘Him.’ Oh God, Noah’s dream must have morphed from those drunk jackasses into the Colonel. “Hey,” he soothed, brushing at his hair again. “Noah, there was nothing you could’ve done. Not today, not…” he paused, unsure if he should even broach the subject with him. “You weren’t responsible for what happened.” Not today, not then either.
Noah just shifted his line of sight from whatever was in his head to what was in front of him now. “I’m really sorry.” He hooked his thumb around Luke’s.
Luke shook his head. “Nothing to be sorry for. You’re the one who got hurt, not me.”
“Luckily,” Noah insisted. “If your parents hadn’t shown up, then who knows what-”
“Hey,” he said again. “You can’t think about that, okay? What did happen was bad enough, don’t worry about the what-ifs of everything.”
Noah wasn’t really listening. “They might’ve killed you. Just because… because, what? They were drunk? You’re gay?” He buried his face a little more into his pillow. “I don’t understand.”
Luke’s heart broke at the utterly confused tone. After everything, Noah still didn’t want to accept that there were bad people in the world. He honestly thought that everyone followed the same code of right and wrong that he did. That all people were genuinely good. It was one of the things Luke loved about him, and one of the things that left Noah so much more vulnerable than he thought himself to be.
“I don’t understand either,” he finally answered. “Some people just do bad things.” He shrugged, wishing there was something more ‘right’ for him to say. Noah turned his head again so he was facing Luke, and they stayed quiet for awhile.
It was awhile before Noah spoke again. “We’re not bad people,” he said. It almost sounded like he was responding to a whole other conversation that had been going on in his head. Luke frowned again, but let him keep talking. “We don’t do anything that’s wrong.”
He smiled now, realizing what Noah was trying to tell him. And he couldn’t help but be inordinately proud to hear Noah say something he never would’ve said even a year ago. “That’s true.”
Noah was still speaking, adamant. “They had no right to try to hurt you, just because you care about me.”
“I more than care about you, Noah,” Luke tapped him on the nose.
It broke Noah’s mental rant, and he blinked up at Luke, smiling a little. “I more than care about you, too.”
Now that he was a little more relaxed, Luke felt he could ask. “There’s something else bothering you.” He could tell. There was that familiar shadow in Noah’s eyes that he saw every so often, when Noah got lost in his thoughts. “Can you talk to me about it?”
Another one-armed shrug. “I hate… I hate that whenever something happens in my life- good or bad- I think of him.”
His father. Luke didn’t have to ask who. “It’s okay, Noah. It’s understandable.”
Noah closed his eyes. “With what happened today? I can’t help it. I can’t help but think that he’d be prouder if I’d been one of those guys, hurting people, and not one of… us. He’d like me better if I was.”
Luke swallowed hard when his throat tightened. “Then it’s a good thing he’s gone, right? That he’s not in your life anymore.”
Noah nodded, bringing Luke’s hand closer, kissing it lightly. “I just wish things were different. That he was different,” he replied simply.
“I know you do,” Luke said softly, scooting a little closer though still sitting upright. You never knew when a curious sibling or meddling Grandma might walk in. “Sometimes I wish that too. But you know what? There are like ten people in this house right now, and all of them love you so much. And most of them are going to be spoiling you so annoyingly in the next few days you’re going to want to scream.”
Noah smiled at him, hopeful and sweet and little-kid. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” he answered, leaning down and pressing a quick kiss to the side of his face.
Noah had that sincere, longing look on his face when Luke sat up again. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if it had been you-”
“Hey,” Luke shushed him. “Don’t think about the what-ifs of everything,” he repeated his earlier words. “We’re both okay, and we’re together. Anybody who doesn’t like that is just going to have to deal.”
Noah snorted out a laugh before he could stop himself. When Luke looked at him quizzically, he blushed a little. “Sorry, it’s just… was that your version of the ‘We’re here, we’re queer, get used to it’ chant?”
Luke groaned, just barely refraining from smacking his boyfriend with a pillow. “Funny, babe. Real funny.”
Noah smiled a little triumphantly. He went to move in closer to Luke, but had barely gotten a centimeter when a look of pain crossed his face and he bit back a gasp. “Damn it.”
“What’s wrong? What is it?” Luke reached forward, both hands hovering an inch over Noah’s body, afraid of hurting him.
Noah shook his head, eyes closed. “Nothing. My back hurts a little bit. It’s okay.”
Luke studied him seriously, knowing it probably wasn’t nothing, probably wasn’t a little bit, probably wasn’t okay. “Wait right there for just a sec, okay? I have an idea.”
Noah managed to roll his eyes without even opening them. “Not going anywhere.”
Luke smiled, because that was true in more ways than one. “Hang on.” He let go of Noah’s hand and smoothly climbed off the bed. “Be right back.” He eased out of the room quietly, shutting the door behind him… and turned to find his grandmother waiting in the hall. “Oh. Um, hi.”
But there was no scolding, no disapproving shake of the head. Emma looked back and forth between him and the door to Noah’s room, tears in her eyes, and Luke suddenly wondered how much of that she had overheard. He got his answer when she smiled and went over to the linen closet nearby. “Here.”
He followed her over, relaxing when she handed him a plug-in heating pad and a jar of her homemade bruise balm. “So, um, it’s okay that I’m…?”
Emma sighed as only Emma could, filling it with equal parts love and exasperation and ‘kids-they-grow-up-so-fast.’ “You go ahead and take care of him tonight. Just don’t do anything you’d be embarrassed for me or your sisters to see.”
Luke was pretty sure he was blushing a little at that, but he nodded gratefully. “Thanks Grandma,” he kissed her cheek and hurried back into Noah’s room, closing and locking the door for the night.
Noah was looking better, but still hasn’t moved. He narrowed his eyes at the bundle Luke was carrying. “What’s that?”
Luke grinned victoriously. “Take off your shirt and lay on your stomach.”
Noah stared at him. “Um, that’s not really the answer I was expecting.”
He laughed. “Completely innocent, I promise. I have a famous tried-and-true Emma Snyder remedy here. It’ll help your back.”
Noah regarded him a little warily, but then sighed and started to slowly turn onto his stomach. “Okay.” He struggled a little with pulling his t-shirt off, finally managing to get it over his head with another wince.
And while normally Luke would love the opportunity to ogle the body laid out in front of him, now he could only stare in horror. “Oh my God, Noah…” He hadn’t seen Noah’s back after everything, this was the first time he was seeing the extent of what that tire iron did to him. “God, no wonder you’re in pain.”
Noah had his eyes closed, fingers twisting self-consciously in the pillowcase he was resting his head on. “I’m okay.”
“Uh-huh,” Luke snorted, daring to come closer. He couldn’t take his eyes off Noah’s skin, the way black and midnight-purple bruises stretched from his right shoulder down to his left hip. They splashed outward with bruises of blue and green and red, small cuts and welts marking where the hit had been the worst. “Yeah. This so looks okay.”
He ignored whatever protest Noah used next, instead plugging in the small heating pad and climbing back into the bed next to Noah. While he waited for the cloth to warm up, he dipped his fingers into the bruise balm and started rubbing the gel gently into Noah’s back, starting at the top and working his way down.
Noah flinched for a second, but then gradually relaxed into it, sighing softly. And once Luke laid the heating pad flat across the center of his back, over the worst of the bruising, he sank fully into the bed, pain melting away from his face.
Luke was done with the balm after a little while, but it didn’t stop him from giving in to his own desire to touch. Who could blame him, with Noah laid out like that in front of him? Even with marred and broken skin, Noah’s bare back was like a work of art. Begging to be studied and taken care of.
His hands went a little lower, rubbing slow and soothing circles into Noah’s lower back, just above the elastic band of his sweatpants. Luke couldn’t help but smile in satisfaction; Noah was practically purring at the contact, and he liked being the one who could do this for him.
Time became a rather relative thing, but at some point Luke realized they were both pretty close to falling asleep. He pulled his hands away reluctantly, smiling at Noah’s small noise of protest, and busied himself for a minute unplugging the heating pad and setting the jar of bruise balm on the table. He then settled down again next to Noah, flat on his back this time, pulling the comforter up over both of them.
Noah cracked an eye open. “If I promise to wake you if I need anything, will you promise the same?” he mumbled.
Luke grinned. “Cross my heart.” He didn’t expect to have any nightmares tonight, especially not now. He inched his way closer, dropping a kiss onto Noah’s shoulder, and his grin widened when one of Noah’s arms managed to find its way around Luke’s waist. They lay there, Luke on his back, Noah on his stomach. Perfect.
He waited until he was sure Noah was asleep, then hooked his own arm around so his hand rested in Noah’s hair. He cupped the back of Noah’s head, holding him close, holding him safe. Noah mumbled a little in his sleep, winced when he pulled at sore back muscles, then settled again with his head on Luke’s shoulder. His face turned towards Luke, breathing puffs of warm air across his t-shirt-clad chest.
The slight frown on his face caused Luke to draw him just a little closer. “Shh, it’s okay,” he whispered. “It’s over. We’re here. We’ll take care of you.” He had no idea if Noah heard him or not, but the way his frown melted away and his hand tightened over Luke’s shirt made him smile anyway. He followed Noah into sleep, holding them together. Perfect.
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( Continued in Chapter 4!)