[one-shot] How to Be Together
Title: How to Be Together
Type: One-shot
Word count: 3,323
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Shige/Ryo
Warning: Angst, past dub-con, Ryo as an M
Summary: Ryo learns that being together is much more difficult than getting together. AU, part of How to be 'verse. Sequel to How to Be in Love - might be difficult to understand if you haven’t read that one.
Being with Shige was never easy. To Ryo it felt like their two vastly different worlds were clashing against each other. He had known when they got together for real that it would only go uphill from there, but he didn’t expect it to be such an arduous, impossible journey.
It took Ryo quite a while to get used to calling him Shige. For a long time he was Kato, the former manager at Ryo’s workplace who had started going out with him after moving to another company. Sometimes Ryo still slipped to the old moniker by accident, saying to him after making him a cup of coffee, “Here you are, Kato-sa- I mean, Shige.”
Shige just smiled when he did that, but later in bed he made Ryo repeat his first name so he wouldn’t forget again.
Whenever Shige stayed for the night, Ryo felt ashamed of his tiny, shabby apartment. The bed was too small for two. They lay in the cramped space under several layers of blankets because it was cold and the heater suddenly stopped working.
“Sorry,” Ryo muttered, again. He lost count how many times he had apologized to Shige during one night.
“Ssssh,” Shige put a finger on Ryo’s lips. “Just hold me.”
Ryo did as he was told, rubbing his hands on Shige’s back to make him warmer.
Compared to Ryo’s sad excuse for a home, Shige’s place was like heaven. It occupied the whole top floor of an extravagant building located in the fancy side of town. Lying down on the immaculate, silky sheets of Shige’s bed made Ryo feel dirty; making love on top of them made him feel guilty, like he was spoiling something that should’ve been left untarnished. He couldn’t help thinking it was people like him who would have to wash those sheets.
Shige’s bathroom was huge. The best part of it was the large bathtub, where Ryo liked to lean with his back against Shige’s chest, eyes closed as Shige wiped his shoulders and neck with a washcloth. When the washcloth was replaced by Shige’s lips, Ryo shuddered a bit despite the warm water.
The acoustics in the bathroom was wonderful, too - Shige made sure Ryo proved it firsthand. As Shige’s lips and fingers did the work, his name fell from Ryo’s half-open mouth, bouncing off the tiles and echoing around the room in a crescendo before he fell limp in Shige’s arms.
What was so interesting about him in Shige’s eyes, he had no idea. He was the same Ryo as before, an errand boy at the lowest rung of a middle-sized company. Something had brought them together at that office, something mysterious and unfathomable, yet so real he felt he could hold it in his hands.
Shige apologized for it after they officially got together. “There was no excuse,” he told Ryo, head bowed and eyes averted. “You could’ve sued me, or reported me to the management.”
“It’s not like I was fighting back,” Ryo replied. The fingernails clawing at Shige’s back during their couplings were certainly not a sign of defense.
Shige shook his head. “Still, I shouldn’t have. I was cruel to you, I-” His voice faltered and his fingers gripped his knees until the knuckles turned white.
Ryo put one hand over Shige’s, rubbing it gently. He wanted to say something to assuage Shige’s concerns, to explain that he had wanted it as much as Shige did and probably more, but he wasn’t a man of many words, never had been. So instead of speaking, after Shige relaxed his grip Ryo pried his fingers off his knee and brought them to his lips.
I want to know how to be in love, Shige had said back then. He had since reiterated in several occasions that he was still learning the ropes, needing Ryo to show him how things were done.
“I’m not good at this whole... relationship thing,” he said one night, while his lean fingers traveled across Ryo’s bare chest. “I’m good at work. I know all the rules. But when it comes to relationships- I’m pretty much lost.”
Ryo turned to face him, their noses almost touching. “No, you’re not,” he said softly. “You’re wonderful.”
He wasn’t just saying that to make Shige feel better, although he did like to see the tender look on Shige’s face afterward.
Shige really was great as a boyfriend. He memorized things that pleased Ryo and made sure to repeat them. He worried about being too demanding or too clingy and would ask Ryo, his eyebrows creased with apprehension, “Am I bothering you? Should I come another day?” And Ryo would shake his head fervently and convince Shige that he wasn’t a nuisance, that Ryo wanted him there.
Ryo was lucky to have Shige, and he knew it. Even back when the extent of their relationship had been random fucks in the company bathrooms, he had realized that in normal circumstances he wouldn’t stand a chance of being with someone like Shige, and it was part of the reason why he had put up with the way his former manager treated him then. Now that they were really together, Ryo sometimes still couldn’t believe his good fortune.
One day Shige picked him up after work, and when Ryo got out of the office he was surprised to see Shige talking with Harada, one of the employees at his former department. Then Shige spotted Ryo and said, “There he is,” and Harada spun around on her heels, her expression incredulous.
Ryo didn’t know where to look. Nobody at the office knew about his and Shige’s relationship, and he didn’t know what they would think of him - probably some kind of gold digger who found his way into the ex-manager’s bed.
But Shige just smiled as usual and, putting a hand on the small of Ryo’s back, asked him, “You’re ready to go?”
Ryo simply nodded. Shige said to Harada, “Well, it was nice meeting you, Harada-san. Send my regards to everyone.”
Harada managed a few words of farewell, but she was clearly too absorbed in staring at the way Shige and Ryo walked hand in hand to Shige’s car before they drove off. Ryo imagined he would be the talk of the whole company tomorrow.
He turned to watch Shige beside him, tapping his hands on the steering wheel in tune to the melody from the CD player. After a moment he caught Ryo’s gaze and smiled. “What is it?”
“No, I just...” Ryo paused as he tried to find the words to express what just crossed his mind. “Sometimes I wonder if this is real.”
“What is?”
“This. Everything. You and me.”
They arrive at a red light, and Shige turned to face the other man, his hand sliding over to squeeze Ryo’s.
“I’m right here,” he said, so full of certainty that Ryo felt warm inside.
Yet despite Shige’s assurances Ryo still felt out of place next to him. They didn’t have the same hobbies, didn’t shop at the same stores, didn’t go to the same places to eat. The only times Ryo could pay for meals were when they went to cheap eateries near his apartment. He couldn’t afford to go the restaurants Shige frequented, and as the consequence Shige nearly always footed the bill. Ryo knew Shige didn’t mind but that didn’t make him feel any better.
At one classy French restaurant where Shige was a regular, he was taking an important phone call from work when they arrived, so he asked Ryo to get a table first. When Ryo inquired about a reservation under the name Kato, the maître d’ gave him a quick once-over and asked, “Ah, are you Kato-san’s secretary?”
Stunned, Ryo could only mumble, “No.”
The maître d’ raised an eyebrow. “His driver, perhaps?”
Ryo looked down at his jacket and trousers, unable to believe he was that underdressed for this kind of restaurant. “I’m with... I’m a friend,” he managed even as his face grew red.
Just then Shige reappeared, and Ryo was afraid he would blow his top if he found out. The maître d’ greeted him courteously, “Kato-san, good evening.”
Shige nodded. “Good evening. I have a reservation for two?”
The man glanced at Ryo and his face changed. He quickly pasted a smile and bowed. “Yes sir, your table is right this way.”
The maître d’ was extra polite to them after that, especially to Ryo, probably to make up for his tactless remarks earlier. But no matter how nice he behaved or how sweet Shige was to him, Ryo didn’t feel at ease all through dinner. He wanted to leave, but Shige was enjoying himself and the last thing Ryo wanted was to spoil the evening for him.
At times he wondered if staying with Shige was worth it. Maybe they were better off going their separate ways, if that meant he would be spared the scathing glances, the degrading whispers, the constant feeling of having something he didn’t deserve. But then he looked into Shige’s eyes, watched them fill with feverish desire before Shige kissed him, hard and deep and almost desperate, and he couldn’t find it in himself to wish to leave.
Later in bed, he lay underneath Shige and gazed up into those same eyes. Shige pushed a strand of hair from Ryo’s sweaty forehead, and Ryo had the sudden urge to say something important like “I love you”, or “You mean so much to me”. But words felt so hollow and meaningless when there was this man with him, above him, thrusting in and out of him until he had no other thought than the yearning that this would never end.
Then came the dinner with Shige’s friends. Ryo had met several of them before and they were all businessmen, managers, entrepreneurs. He knew this could only end in disaster, but he couldn’t resist Shige’s entreaties.
“It’ll be all right. They’ll come with their girlfriends. One even has a boyfriend too.” Shige smiled. “You’ll be just fine.”
Sitting at the dinner table at Shige’s penthouse with people talking and laughing all around him, Ryo didn’t feel fine at all. They were talking about stock markets and how long the Japanese current prime minister would be able to stay in his post and other complicated topics that Ryo couldn’t follow. Though they were kind enough to try to include him in the conversation, so far Ryo hadn’t uttered more than a few one-syllable answers.
Then they switched to international politics and one of Shige’s friends, Matsuzawa, piped up, “I bet Nishikido-san will agree with me. What do you think, Nishikido-san?”
Ryo looked up and stammered, “What?”
“About Egypt. I’m sure you have an opinion on this!”
Shit. There was something on the news about Egypt recently, but Ryo had been doing overtime at work and hadn’t have the chance to catch the evening news on TV or take more than a cursory glance at the newspaper. All eyes at the room were directed at him, and even Shige was looking at him expectantly.
He cleared his throat. “Um... yes, Egypt. Well... I think it’s really unfortunate... what’s happening with the pyramids. They should- restore them to their original condition. It’s the right thing to do.”
If there was justice in this world the earth would open up that very moment and swallow Ryo, but as it was he had to endure the baffled stares of everyone in the room before Shige cut in hurriedly, “Okay, who’s ready for dessert?”
Probably out of respect to Shige, none of the guests mentioned Ryo’s Egypt flop throughout the rest of the night. They didn’t try to get him to talk again either, though. When the last of them finally left and Ryo finished helping Shige clean up the table, he took his jacket and said, “I should probably head off too.”
“Don’t you want to stay over?” asked Shige.
“No, I shouldn’t stay. I’m-” Ryo’s voice wobbled a bit before he continued, “I’m not good enough for you. I can’t stay."
Shige stilled for only a second before he walked closer. “Look, if this is about my friends...”
“It’s not them, it’s me. I humiliated you, Shige.” Ryo couldn’t look Shige in the eye, but Shige put his hands on either side of Ryo’s face and forced him to meet his gaze.
“Hey, listen to me. I don’t care what anybody says. You’re the only thing that matters.”
Ryo had a mind to say something, but then Shige was kissing him softly and running one hand through his hair while another wound around his waist, holding him closer. “Stay here tonight,” Shige whispered. “Please.”
Ryo could’ve told him no. It was only a matter of putting out a hand and pushing him away. Instead he wrapped his arms around Shige and pressed his face to Shige’s neck.
You’re the only thing that matters.
That was the answer. Ryo should’ve seen it from the very beginning. If only they had stayed where they were when they first started, none of this would’ve happened. He shouldn’t have hoped for something more than he was able to deal with. The reality was he and Shige were pieces from different puzzles and forcing them to be together was some kind of cruel joke from the universe. But none of that mattered now, because Shige was the only thing that mattered.
The week after, Shige called him on the phone when he was about to tuck in for the night. It turned out that Shige had to work late and was just driving out of his office.
“You must be getting ready for bed already,” said Shige. Ryo thought he sounded weary.
“Do you want to come over?” Ryo offered.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you.”
“Of course not.”
Shige later showed up in Ryo’s doorway with his tie askew and his face looking the way he did after a 12-hour work day. Ryo planted a kiss on his cheek. “Rough day?”
Shige groaned. “I’m just glad it’s over.”
He sat on the sofa while Ryo made him a cup of hot tea. Ryo watched as he took little sips of the tea and sighed in satisfaction. He put the cup of tea on the side table, and Ryo sat beside him and started rubbing his shoulder.
“You must be tired.”
“Hmm.” Shige leaned back and let his eyes fall closed, enjoying the feeling of Ryo’s gentle pressure on his shoulder.
Fingers trailing down to Shige’s chest, Ryo slowly went down to his knees in front of Shige. When he started to unbuckle Shige’s belt, Shige’s eyes flew open. “Babe, you don’t have to-”
“I want to.” It was just like the old days: Shige wasn’t feeling good and he sought some comfort from the office boy in the bathroom. This was something Ryo was capable of giving. As his fingers continued to move, he leaned forward, licked down Shige’s jaw and then cooled it with his breath. “I’ll make you feel better,” he muttered.
He could feel Shige reacting underneath him despite his resistance. Yet Shige still said, “Look, I wasn’t expecting anything. I just wanted to see you.”
Ryo pulled away and fixed Shige with a straightforward, somber gaze. “Let me do this, Shige. It’s what I know.”
Shige frowned. “What?”
“This is the only thing I can do,” Ryo said slowly. “I’m no good for you otherwise. So please, just let me...”
“No- Ryo, just stop!”
He was already starting to unzip Shige’s pants, but Shige shoved his hands away and pulled him up by the arms. He made Ryo sit back down on the sofa and growled, “What the hell... what’s gotten into you?”
Ryo didn’t understand; he thought Shige would like it. He sat still as Shige got up and zipped up his pants and buckled his belt again, cursing under his breath.
“Shige, I’m sorry...” he began, but Shige cut him off.
“I said stop it, okay?” He turned and there was a kind of fiery intensity in his eyes, so unfamiliar that it took a while before Ryo recognized it as anger. “I don’t want this for us. For you. Why can’t you see that?”
Ryo’s mouth was still open as Shige swore one last time and walked out of the apartment.
Shige didn’t meet or contact Ryo for the next few days. Ryo thought maybe he needed some time, but when days turned to weeks Ryo began to feel helpless, never expecting his solution to backfire like this. He braced himself to make the first move and called Shige’s cell phone.
One ring. Two rings. Then the phone was turned off. It stung a bit more than a direct rejection.
He knew now what people meant when they just broke up and said they walked around with a part of them missing. A huge chunk of him, ripped apart and leaving the wound still bleeding. His single bed felt too big to sleep on his own. When he ate out he picked Shige’s favorite food. He found Shige’s spare T-shirt in a drawer and wore it to sleep. It still smelled a bit like him.
“Get a fucking grip, Ryo,” he told himself one day. “You knew this was going to happen, so just deal.”
Then he closed his eyes and touched himself, imagining it was Shige’s hand.
One night he had fallen asleep wearing the T-shirt again (one time, just one last time) and was awakened by the ringing doorbell. When he opened it Shige was standing there, leaning with one hand on the doorway, eyes bloodshot.
“I’m a little drunk,” he announced, or rather warned. Ryo stepped back and Shige lurched inside.
It appeared Shige was aiming for the sofa, but then he turned around and stared at Ryo, who had just closed the door. “Is that my T-shirt?” he slurred.
Ryo thought if he didn’t say this he wouldn’t be able to say anything, so before he lost his courage he let the words tumble out of his mouth, “I miss you.”
Shige looked like someone had just punched a hole through him. “God, Ryo-” he stepped forward but stopped himself before he got too close, keeping an arm’s length between them. An unbearable distance. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself before he spoke.
“I’ve been thinking and thinking and I understand where you’re coming from. I know it hasn’t been easy for you. But I made a promise to myself. I don’t want to go back to becoming that person who took advantage of you.”
Ryo nodded, encouraging him to go on.
“So I avoided you, thinking it was best for the both of us. But it just- I want you so much it drives me crazy sometimes.”
He had been clenching and unclenching his fists as he talked, but now he reached out and grabbed the edge of Ryo’s T-shirt, his T-shirt, hanging on like his life depended on it.
“I can’t do it, Ryo,” he croaked. “Without you, I just can’t.”
Slowly Ryo took Shige’s hand holding the T-shirt and pressed it to his chest. Then he closed the distance between them and felt their bodies move instinctively, arms wrapping around each other, foreheads touching.
Shige brushed their lips together lightly, carefully, as if afraid this was an illusion that might vanish anytime. His fingers moved everywhere, eliciting moans from Ryo as they slipped under his T-shirt, recognizing familiar territory, while Ryo simply held on tight, taking in everything that he could get. He had no clue how he had survived being apart from Shige all this time, but he wasn’t going to let him go a second time.
Because Shige was the only thing that mattered.
“Take me,” Ryo said against Shige’s lips. “I’m yours.”
Type: One-shot
Word count: 3,323
Rating: PG-15
Pairing: Shige/Ryo
Warning: Angst, past dub-con, Ryo as an M
Summary: Ryo learns that being together is much more difficult than getting together. AU, part of How to be 'verse. Sequel to How to Be in Love - might be difficult to understand if you haven’t read that one.
Being with Shige was never easy. To Ryo it felt like their two vastly different worlds were clashing against each other. He had known when they got together for real that it would only go uphill from there, but he didn’t expect it to be such an arduous, impossible journey.
It took Ryo quite a while to get used to calling him Shige. For a long time he was Kato, the former manager at Ryo’s workplace who had started going out with him after moving to another company. Sometimes Ryo still slipped to the old moniker by accident, saying to him after making him a cup of coffee, “Here you are, Kato-sa- I mean, Shige.”
Shige just smiled when he did that, but later in bed he made Ryo repeat his first name so he wouldn’t forget again.
Whenever Shige stayed for the night, Ryo felt ashamed of his tiny, shabby apartment. The bed was too small for two. They lay in the cramped space under several layers of blankets because it was cold and the heater suddenly stopped working.
“Sorry,” Ryo muttered, again. He lost count how many times he had apologized to Shige during one night.
“Ssssh,” Shige put a finger on Ryo’s lips. “Just hold me.”
Ryo did as he was told, rubbing his hands on Shige’s back to make him warmer.
Compared to Ryo’s sad excuse for a home, Shige’s place was like heaven. It occupied the whole top floor of an extravagant building located in the fancy side of town. Lying down on the immaculate, silky sheets of Shige’s bed made Ryo feel dirty; making love on top of them made him feel guilty, like he was spoiling something that should’ve been left untarnished. He couldn’t help thinking it was people like him who would have to wash those sheets.
Shige’s bathroom was huge. The best part of it was the large bathtub, where Ryo liked to lean with his back against Shige’s chest, eyes closed as Shige wiped his shoulders and neck with a washcloth. When the washcloth was replaced by Shige’s lips, Ryo shuddered a bit despite the warm water.
The acoustics in the bathroom was wonderful, too - Shige made sure Ryo proved it firsthand. As Shige’s lips and fingers did the work, his name fell from Ryo’s half-open mouth, bouncing off the tiles and echoing around the room in a crescendo before he fell limp in Shige’s arms.
What was so interesting about him in Shige’s eyes, he had no idea. He was the same Ryo as before, an errand boy at the lowest rung of a middle-sized company. Something had brought them together at that office, something mysterious and unfathomable, yet so real he felt he could hold it in his hands.
Shige apologized for it after they officially got together. “There was no excuse,” he told Ryo, head bowed and eyes averted. “You could’ve sued me, or reported me to the management.”
“It’s not like I was fighting back,” Ryo replied. The fingernails clawing at Shige’s back during their couplings were certainly not a sign of defense.
Shige shook his head. “Still, I shouldn’t have. I was cruel to you, I-” His voice faltered and his fingers gripped his knees until the knuckles turned white.
Ryo put one hand over Shige’s, rubbing it gently. He wanted to say something to assuage Shige’s concerns, to explain that he had wanted it as much as Shige did and probably more, but he wasn’t a man of many words, never had been. So instead of speaking, after Shige relaxed his grip Ryo pried his fingers off his knee and brought them to his lips.
I want to know how to be in love, Shige had said back then. He had since reiterated in several occasions that he was still learning the ropes, needing Ryo to show him how things were done.
“I’m not good at this whole... relationship thing,” he said one night, while his lean fingers traveled across Ryo’s bare chest. “I’m good at work. I know all the rules. But when it comes to relationships- I’m pretty much lost.”
Ryo turned to face him, their noses almost touching. “No, you’re not,” he said softly. “You’re wonderful.”
He wasn’t just saying that to make Shige feel better, although he did like to see the tender look on Shige’s face afterward.
Shige really was great as a boyfriend. He memorized things that pleased Ryo and made sure to repeat them. He worried about being too demanding or too clingy and would ask Ryo, his eyebrows creased with apprehension, “Am I bothering you? Should I come another day?” And Ryo would shake his head fervently and convince Shige that he wasn’t a nuisance, that Ryo wanted him there.
Ryo was lucky to have Shige, and he knew it. Even back when the extent of their relationship had been random fucks in the company bathrooms, he had realized that in normal circumstances he wouldn’t stand a chance of being with someone like Shige, and it was part of the reason why he had put up with the way his former manager treated him then. Now that they were really together, Ryo sometimes still couldn’t believe his good fortune.
One day Shige picked him up after work, and when Ryo got out of the office he was surprised to see Shige talking with Harada, one of the employees at his former department. Then Shige spotted Ryo and said, “There he is,” and Harada spun around on her heels, her expression incredulous.
Ryo didn’t know where to look. Nobody at the office knew about his and Shige’s relationship, and he didn’t know what they would think of him - probably some kind of gold digger who found his way into the ex-manager’s bed.
But Shige just smiled as usual and, putting a hand on the small of Ryo’s back, asked him, “You’re ready to go?”
Ryo simply nodded. Shige said to Harada, “Well, it was nice meeting you, Harada-san. Send my regards to everyone.”
Harada managed a few words of farewell, but she was clearly too absorbed in staring at the way Shige and Ryo walked hand in hand to Shige’s car before they drove off. Ryo imagined he would be the talk of the whole company tomorrow.
He turned to watch Shige beside him, tapping his hands on the steering wheel in tune to the melody from the CD player. After a moment he caught Ryo’s gaze and smiled. “What is it?”
“No, I just...” Ryo paused as he tried to find the words to express what just crossed his mind. “Sometimes I wonder if this is real.”
“What is?”
“This. Everything. You and me.”
They arrive at a red light, and Shige turned to face the other man, his hand sliding over to squeeze Ryo’s.
“I’m right here,” he said, so full of certainty that Ryo felt warm inside.
Yet despite Shige’s assurances Ryo still felt out of place next to him. They didn’t have the same hobbies, didn’t shop at the same stores, didn’t go to the same places to eat. The only times Ryo could pay for meals were when they went to cheap eateries near his apartment. He couldn’t afford to go the restaurants Shige frequented, and as the consequence Shige nearly always footed the bill. Ryo knew Shige didn’t mind but that didn’t make him feel any better.
At one classy French restaurant where Shige was a regular, he was taking an important phone call from work when they arrived, so he asked Ryo to get a table first. When Ryo inquired about a reservation under the name Kato, the maître d’ gave him a quick once-over and asked, “Ah, are you Kato-san’s secretary?”
Stunned, Ryo could only mumble, “No.”
The maître d’ raised an eyebrow. “His driver, perhaps?”
Ryo looked down at his jacket and trousers, unable to believe he was that underdressed for this kind of restaurant. “I’m with... I’m a friend,” he managed even as his face grew red.
Just then Shige reappeared, and Ryo was afraid he would blow his top if he found out. The maître d’ greeted him courteously, “Kato-san, good evening.”
Shige nodded. “Good evening. I have a reservation for two?”
The man glanced at Ryo and his face changed. He quickly pasted a smile and bowed. “Yes sir, your table is right this way.”
The maître d’ was extra polite to them after that, especially to Ryo, probably to make up for his tactless remarks earlier. But no matter how nice he behaved or how sweet Shige was to him, Ryo didn’t feel at ease all through dinner. He wanted to leave, but Shige was enjoying himself and the last thing Ryo wanted was to spoil the evening for him.
At times he wondered if staying with Shige was worth it. Maybe they were better off going their separate ways, if that meant he would be spared the scathing glances, the degrading whispers, the constant feeling of having something he didn’t deserve. But then he looked into Shige’s eyes, watched them fill with feverish desire before Shige kissed him, hard and deep and almost desperate, and he couldn’t find it in himself to wish to leave.
Later in bed, he lay underneath Shige and gazed up into those same eyes. Shige pushed a strand of hair from Ryo’s sweaty forehead, and Ryo had the sudden urge to say something important like “I love you”, or “You mean so much to me”. But words felt so hollow and meaningless when there was this man with him, above him, thrusting in and out of him until he had no other thought than the yearning that this would never end.
Then came the dinner with Shige’s friends. Ryo had met several of them before and they were all businessmen, managers, entrepreneurs. He knew this could only end in disaster, but he couldn’t resist Shige’s entreaties.
“It’ll be all right. They’ll come with their girlfriends. One even has a boyfriend too.” Shige smiled. “You’ll be just fine.”
Sitting at the dinner table at Shige’s penthouse with people talking and laughing all around him, Ryo didn’t feel fine at all. They were talking about stock markets and how long the Japanese current prime minister would be able to stay in his post and other complicated topics that Ryo couldn’t follow. Though they were kind enough to try to include him in the conversation, so far Ryo hadn’t uttered more than a few one-syllable answers.
Then they switched to international politics and one of Shige’s friends, Matsuzawa, piped up, “I bet Nishikido-san will agree with me. What do you think, Nishikido-san?”
Ryo looked up and stammered, “What?”
“About Egypt. I’m sure you have an opinion on this!”
Shit. There was something on the news about Egypt recently, but Ryo had been doing overtime at work and hadn’t have the chance to catch the evening news on TV or take more than a cursory glance at the newspaper. All eyes at the room were directed at him, and even Shige was looking at him expectantly.
He cleared his throat. “Um... yes, Egypt. Well... I think it’s really unfortunate... what’s happening with the pyramids. They should- restore them to their original condition. It’s the right thing to do.”
If there was justice in this world the earth would open up that very moment and swallow Ryo, but as it was he had to endure the baffled stares of everyone in the room before Shige cut in hurriedly, “Okay, who’s ready for dessert?”
Probably out of respect to Shige, none of the guests mentioned Ryo’s Egypt flop throughout the rest of the night. They didn’t try to get him to talk again either, though. When the last of them finally left and Ryo finished helping Shige clean up the table, he took his jacket and said, “I should probably head off too.”
“Don’t you want to stay over?” asked Shige.
“No, I shouldn’t stay. I’m-” Ryo’s voice wobbled a bit before he continued, “I’m not good enough for you. I can’t stay."
Shige stilled for only a second before he walked closer. “Look, if this is about my friends...”
“It’s not them, it’s me. I humiliated you, Shige.” Ryo couldn’t look Shige in the eye, but Shige put his hands on either side of Ryo’s face and forced him to meet his gaze.
“Hey, listen to me. I don’t care what anybody says. You’re the only thing that matters.”
Ryo had a mind to say something, but then Shige was kissing him softly and running one hand through his hair while another wound around his waist, holding him closer. “Stay here tonight,” Shige whispered. “Please.”
Ryo could’ve told him no. It was only a matter of putting out a hand and pushing him away. Instead he wrapped his arms around Shige and pressed his face to Shige’s neck.
You’re the only thing that matters.
That was the answer. Ryo should’ve seen it from the very beginning. If only they had stayed where they were when they first started, none of this would’ve happened. He shouldn’t have hoped for something more than he was able to deal with. The reality was he and Shige were pieces from different puzzles and forcing them to be together was some kind of cruel joke from the universe. But none of that mattered now, because Shige was the only thing that mattered.
The week after, Shige called him on the phone when he was about to tuck in for the night. It turned out that Shige had to work late and was just driving out of his office.
“You must be getting ready for bed already,” said Shige. Ryo thought he sounded weary.
“Do you want to come over?” Ryo offered.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you.”
“Of course not.”
Shige later showed up in Ryo’s doorway with his tie askew and his face looking the way he did after a 12-hour work day. Ryo planted a kiss on his cheek. “Rough day?”
Shige groaned. “I’m just glad it’s over.”
He sat on the sofa while Ryo made him a cup of hot tea. Ryo watched as he took little sips of the tea and sighed in satisfaction. He put the cup of tea on the side table, and Ryo sat beside him and started rubbing his shoulder.
“You must be tired.”
“Hmm.” Shige leaned back and let his eyes fall closed, enjoying the feeling of Ryo’s gentle pressure on his shoulder.
Fingers trailing down to Shige’s chest, Ryo slowly went down to his knees in front of Shige. When he started to unbuckle Shige’s belt, Shige’s eyes flew open. “Babe, you don’t have to-”
“I want to.” It was just like the old days: Shige wasn’t feeling good and he sought some comfort from the office boy in the bathroom. This was something Ryo was capable of giving. As his fingers continued to move, he leaned forward, licked down Shige’s jaw and then cooled it with his breath. “I’ll make you feel better,” he muttered.
He could feel Shige reacting underneath him despite his resistance. Yet Shige still said, “Look, I wasn’t expecting anything. I just wanted to see you.”
Ryo pulled away and fixed Shige with a straightforward, somber gaze. “Let me do this, Shige. It’s what I know.”
Shige frowned. “What?”
“This is the only thing I can do,” Ryo said slowly. “I’m no good for you otherwise. So please, just let me...”
“No- Ryo, just stop!”
He was already starting to unzip Shige’s pants, but Shige shoved his hands away and pulled him up by the arms. He made Ryo sit back down on the sofa and growled, “What the hell... what’s gotten into you?”
Ryo didn’t understand; he thought Shige would like it. He sat still as Shige got up and zipped up his pants and buckled his belt again, cursing under his breath.
“Shige, I’m sorry...” he began, but Shige cut him off.
“I said stop it, okay?” He turned and there was a kind of fiery intensity in his eyes, so unfamiliar that it took a while before Ryo recognized it as anger. “I don’t want this for us. For you. Why can’t you see that?”
Ryo’s mouth was still open as Shige swore one last time and walked out of the apartment.
Shige didn’t meet or contact Ryo for the next few days. Ryo thought maybe he needed some time, but when days turned to weeks Ryo began to feel helpless, never expecting his solution to backfire like this. He braced himself to make the first move and called Shige’s cell phone.
One ring. Two rings. Then the phone was turned off. It stung a bit more than a direct rejection.
He knew now what people meant when they just broke up and said they walked around with a part of them missing. A huge chunk of him, ripped apart and leaving the wound still bleeding. His single bed felt too big to sleep on his own. When he ate out he picked Shige’s favorite food. He found Shige’s spare T-shirt in a drawer and wore it to sleep. It still smelled a bit like him.
“Get a fucking grip, Ryo,” he told himself one day. “You knew this was going to happen, so just deal.”
Then he closed his eyes and touched himself, imagining it was Shige’s hand.
One night he had fallen asleep wearing the T-shirt again (one time, just one last time) and was awakened by the ringing doorbell. When he opened it Shige was standing there, leaning with one hand on the doorway, eyes bloodshot.
“I’m a little drunk,” he announced, or rather warned. Ryo stepped back and Shige lurched inside.
It appeared Shige was aiming for the sofa, but then he turned around and stared at Ryo, who had just closed the door. “Is that my T-shirt?” he slurred.
Ryo thought if he didn’t say this he wouldn’t be able to say anything, so before he lost his courage he let the words tumble out of his mouth, “I miss you.”
Shige looked like someone had just punched a hole through him. “God, Ryo-” he stepped forward but stopped himself before he got too close, keeping an arm’s length between them. An unbearable distance. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself before he spoke.
“I’ve been thinking and thinking and I understand where you’re coming from. I know it hasn’t been easy for you. But I made a promise to myself. I don’t want to go back to becoming that person who took advantage of you.”
Ryo nodded, encouraging him to go on.
“So I avoided you, thinking it was best for the both of us. But it just- I want you so much it drives me crazy sometimes.”
He had been clenching and unclenching his fists as he talked, but now he reached out and grabbed the edge of Ryo’s T-shirt, his T-shirt, hanging on like his life depended on it.
“I can’t do it, Ryo,” he croaked. “Without you, I just can’t.”
Slowly Ryo took Shige’s hand holding the T-shirt and pressed it to his chest. Then he closed the distance between them and felt their bodies move instinctively, arms wrapping around each other, foreheads touching.
Shige brushed their lips together lightly, carefully, as if afraid this was an illusion that might vanish anytime. His fingers moved everywhere, eliciting moans from Ryo as they slipped under his T-shirt, recognizing familiar territory, while Ryo simply held on tight, taking in everything that he could get. He had no clue how he had survived being apart from Shige all this time, but he wasn’t going to let him go a second time.
Because Shige was the only thing that mattered.
“Take me,” Ryo said against Shige’s lips. “I’m yours.”