Fic: L.O.V.E. is not what this is
Title: L.O.V.E. is not what this is
Author: carmexgirl
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Spoilers: Season 5
Warnings: Kissing, sexual situations, general weirdness
Word Count: 8,191
Summary: Dean knows exactly what this is, knows it's just someone helping him out. But he can't help but want more.
It’s when they’re cornered in a diner by a crowd of demons that Dean first realises that something must be wrong. Well that’s not strictly true. He knows he’s been distracted, for want of a better word, for a couple of weeks now, but he’d never been able to pin point the problem until now.
He’d woken up that morning as usual with a hard on, taking care of it in the shower as he got ready for the day. The thing was, after a few hours while shopping for supplies, it happened again. He thought he could just pass it off as his jeans chafing his crotch slightly as he walked, the friction of denim against cotton against skin causing him to become aroused. He’d spent an agonising hour trying to cover his crotch, the aching hardness threatening to take him over the edge until he could get back to the motel and take care of himself in the bathroom, with Sam shouting at him from behind the door to hurry the hell up.
Perhaps it was just one of those days, coming as they did all too often recently. When he thought about it, he hadn’t gotten laid in months…months! There just hadn’t been time, what with trying to stop the final seal from breaking, and then Lucifer being set free and the impending Apocalypse…no time at all. It was perfectly normal that he’d feel frustrated and horny. Perfectly normal.
But now, in the diner, with demons swarming around him and Sam, taunting them, Dean feels himself grow hard again. Shit he thinks, not now. Of all the worst times for it to happen. He spies one of the demons looking at him, licking its lips. It had taken over the body of a not particularly attractive blonde, and she was now staring at him, eyes flicking down to his obvious erection before flicking back up and staring at him again, smiling knowingly.
She sidles over to him, tutting. “Oh dear…is this turning you on, Dean? You poor dear. Bet you haven’t had any for a while, huh?” She smiles, before moving closer, angling her body so she brushes against him and goddamn it, he moans before he can stop himself.
“Oh yes. Such a poor, deprived boy.” She begins rubbing his crotch in slow strokes, smiling as he pants. “You like that, don’t you. Come on; let me ease your suffering.” She presses harder, and Dean moans again.
“Dean!” He can hear Sammy shouting, but the rubbing feels too good, like he doesn’t want it to stop. “Dean!” Sam shouts again, and he hears the gun go off. It draws him out of his trance and he lashes out, smacking the blonde hard around the head with the butt of his gun. Gunshots sound, and in a cacophony of screaming and black smoke, the demons disappear, leaving Dean standing there, panting hard.
Sam walks over to him. “What the hell was that? Since when do you let your guard down?”
“Who knows?” He’s frustrated, and desperately trying to work out what the hell is going on with his body. “I just…there’s something not right here. It’s…” he stops when he sees Sam’s eyes travel down to his crotch. His jeans are still tented, and he is suddenly extremely embarrassed. He can’t hide it any more.
Sam looks back at him. “When was the last time you…”
Dean bites his lip. “Months. It’s been months, ok? I don’t you if you realised but there’s an Apocalypse going on. You know, the end of the world. I haven’t really had the time to sweat the small stuff.”
Sam looked at him. He wasn’t laughing. “It’s affecting you. I’ve noticed it these past couple of weeks but didn’t know what it was. You’re not concentrating; you’re distracted and they…they know your weaknesses. They can use this against you.” He gestures to his crotch.
“Bullshit Sammy.”
“No it’s not bullshit. Any weakness they see, they’ll exploit. Demons, angels…whoever. If they see you like this they know that all they need to do is conjure up a hot chick from somewhere and they’ve got you. Dude, we gotta get you laid.”
Dean thought about the blonde again and kicked petulantly at a spent cartridge, sending it clattering across the floor. “So what the hell do I do? It’s not like there’s a handy brothel near here. We’re in the middle of freaking nowhere Sammy.”
“And this place is crawling with demons, so it’s not like you can just pick up someone.” Sam put his hand to his chin and started tapping. “I’ll talk to Cas, see what he thinks. Maybe he can…I dunno, mojo it out of you.”
“Great,” mumbled Dean, kicking another cartridge. “Mojo me celibate. Awesome.”
***
“There’s nothing I can do. He needs to get it out of his system.”
“But he’s tried that. Believe me, I’ve heard him in the bathroom, or in bed when he thinks I can’t hear. It’s not working, and the noise he makes is driving me insane.”
“And it’s affecting him in other areas?”
“The demon in the diner could have killed him. He was a mess in there. She wasn’t even his usual standard and believe me, that’s normally pretty low.”
“I’m right here you know.” Dean moans.
“Dean…look just go get a coke or something while I discuss this with Castiel.” Sam stares at him, exasperated.
“I think I need to be here. I wanna hear what you come up with.” Dean eyes them both.
Castiel sighs. “Dean, Sam’s right. We need to talk further and you’re not helping matters.”
Dean throws his hands up in exasperation. “Fine! I’ll go get a drink. Call me when you’ve figured it out, assholes!”
Dean mumbles all the way to the vending machine. The light flickers on and off, but still he feeds it his money and presses for a coke. There’s a rattle, then nothing. He puts his hand in inside and nope, no coke. “Bullshit!” He shouts, kicking the machine hard. The light flickers off again, and Dean starts pressing to get his money back. Nothing comes out, so he shakes it, swears and it and kicks it again, hard.
Stupid dumb machine. Stupid Sam telling Cas his problems. Stupid Cas for actually listening to Sam. He can handle himself. He’s got five fingers and a palm, right? He’ll just use that until he can find the time to pick up someone. But then he stares at his hand and really thinks about what happened today. It’s fine, but it’s nowhere near as good as someone else, someone’s hand jerking him off, someone’s hot mouth on his cock…
He can feel himself getting hard again. “Goddamnit!” he shouts, kicking the machine again before walking back to the motel room. They’d better have come up with someone good.
He opens the door to find Castiel staring back at him. Sam is nowhere to be seen.
“Cas?” he asks slightly cautiously. “Where’s Sammy?”
“Sam has astutely left us alone for an hour.”
Dean’s eyes widen. “What…what for?”
“So I can give you relief,” he says, nonchalantly.
Dean blinks in disbelief. He clears his throat, which has suddenly gone dry. “Relief?”
“We are both in agreement that this is the only way. It’s the only way we can be certain you’re not vulnerable and leaving yourself wide open to attack, while still being satisfied.”
Castiel walks over to him. Dean is frozen to the spot, completely incredulous. His mind is running over everything Castiel has said at a frantic pace, and he still can’t believe that he and Sammy would…that they would have decided to…to…
And then suddenly his mind does believe it, because Castiel is undoing his jeans and pulling them down before pushing him towards the bed.
He comes to his senses, and pushes Castiel away. “No Cas, really!” Shit, when did his voice become so high pitched? He grunts. “This isn’t what’s needed. Seriously dude I am not into that.”
“It’s not a case of being into anything. It’s about fulfilling your needs.”
His hands are on his crotch again, feeling him through the cotton of his boxers. “But I don’t…” hands pull his underwear down and suddenly his half-hard cock is exposed to the cool air in the room. “Seriously Cas…don’t!”
It had meant to sound like a threat, but then, he really didn’t know if he should be threatening an angel. “I don’t…I’m not…you’re not…it’s using you Cas. I won’t use you like that. I’m not like that!” He’s slightly scared now, because yeah, he’d thought about it once. Well maybe more than once. He thought he’d managed to bury the strange stuff deep down in his subconscious. Now, it’s coming back with a vengeance.
Castiel looks up at him. “I know you aren’t, Dean.” Oh god does he look disappointed? Dean kind of hopes he looks disappointed. He kicks himself inwardly. “That is one of the reasons why I am willing to do this for you. I am not being used; Sam and I have discussed this, and we know it’s for the greater good. I will form no sexual attachment to you, the same as you will not form one to me. I am merely helping you out, helping you to fight better, to win this war. It is nothing more than that.”
Dean feels…he doesn’t know what to feel anymore. This whole thing is confusing. It makes sense in a kind of clinical way, he supposes, kind of like a doctor massaging your prostate when he’s examining you; there’s nothing sexual in it, it’s just something that needs to be done. Even if you do feel awkward afterwards and can’t quite look him in the eye.
He looks at Cas again, and he can feel a stirring once more in his crotch as his body betrays him. No use fighting it. “Ok, ok I get it. Do what you gotta but please, please let’s never talk about this. Not even to Sammy because I know he’ll be waiting to rip it out of me.”
“Whatever makes you feel comfortable, Dean.”
“Do you even know how to do this?”
Cas nods, and Dean is sure, sure, he does that eye-crinkling thing when he’s trying to smile. “I’ve been around a long time. I know how humans copulate.”
Copulate? He feels like a lab rat, running around while all these angels watch him eat, sleep, and ‘copulate.’ He should feel a little indignant, but suddenly there’s no time to think because instead of the hand he expected to feel on him, there’s suddenly a hot, wet mouth enveloping him. “Holy shit Cas!” Dean exclaims, scrabbling back on the bed. All his instincts at the moment are telling him this is bad, this is wrong. But damn, Castiel’s mouth feels good around him. Castiel doesn’t flinch, and instead moves forward to take Dean in deeper.
Dean moans before he can stop himself and shifts into a more comfortable position. “Oh…” he begins, “Oh that’s so…” He shuts up, knowing what this is. It’s not sex, it’s necessity. No need to be vocal about enjoying it, even if it has been so fucking long since he’d been sucked off by anyone. He closes his eyes and lies back, thinking about Sammy and how he is probably laughing his ass off at this. Bastard. He’ll get him. But then Castiel hollows his cheeks, sucks harder and does something with his tongue, and suddenly he can’t think any more. The room sort of spins and goes white, and he tries to keep his eyes open, tries not to enjoy this as much as he is. It’s no use. He gives in, and comes with a shout while Castiel continues to suck him down.
No good can come of this, he thinks through the haze of his orgasm. No good at all.
When he comes round, Castiel is gone, so he curls himself up into bed and goes to sleep, not wanting to think about anything. He has always found that post-orgasmic sleeps are the most satisfying, and this is no different. When he wakes the next morning, he feels refreshed, the evening’s events momentarily forgotten until he sees Sam, crouched over a laptop, tapping away. He looks up and smiles at him. “Good night’s sleep?”
“Shut up.” Dean walks over to him. He opens his mouth to speak, but suddenly Sam is standing.
“Now before you say anything…it worked, right?”
“Fuck you.”
“But it did. And seriously Dean, this is the best way.”
“What, having an angel of the Lord suck me off?”
Sam covers his eyes for a second, as is trying to banish the image. “Dude! Too much information. But yeah, I guess so. Yeah.”
“You’re seriously sick, Sam. Seriously sick.”
“Look. Did you wake up with, you know, with…”
Dean thinks about it. No he hadn’t. He’d woken feeling well rested, and had taken a shower. No hands and no inappropriate touching involved. “No.”
Sam smiles, and god damn it he wants to wipe the smug smirk off his face. “Then it worked, Dean. It totally worked.”
He leaves Sam to it, and goes to get cereal for breakfast. The fluttering of wings behind him tells him Castiel is here. He doesn’t know how to feel about that right now. He watched from the corner of his eye as the angel talks to Sam, acting like everything’s completely normal, like he didn’t…
He accidently spills milk on the counter, and swears as he grabs a cloth to clear it up. He watches as Sam says something to Cas, then grabs his bag and walks out. Cas comes over to him.
“Hello Dean.”
“H…hey Cas.” God this is awkward. Really awkward.
“I think I may have found another lead on God. Sam is just going to check a few things for me.”
“Great. Great.” Dean can’t quite meet Castiel’s eyes.
“We should look to move from here quite soon. I have a feeling this place will be razed to the ground and we really don’t want to be here when that happens. It could be very dangerous.”
“Dangerous, yeah.” The back of the cereal box suddenly seems really interesting. 24% of your daily allowance of sugar…very interesting.
“Dean? Dean?”
Dean snaps out of his reverie. “What?”
“Is there something wrong?”
Dean throws his head back and laughs ironically. “No of course not. Why the hell would there be anything wrong?”
“Dean…last night…”
“Whoa, stop right there. We are NOT talking about this now.”
“I think we need to. You are obviously uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable?! What the hell? You…you suck me off and expect me to act like nothing’s happened?”
“That was the plan.”
“Screw the plan!” Dean throws his hands up in exasperation.
“Sam told me it was successful. He said you slept right though last night, and didn’t wake up in any discomfort.”
Stupid Sam. Needs to keep his stupid mouth shut.
“Dean…I can understand the human attachment to sex but you have to understand, this doesn’t mean anything. You shouldn’t feel…awkward around me or Sam because of this. We are not going to discuss this with anyone; your masculinity will remain intact. We just want you to be safe, and content, and ready for action when the time comes. You do not need any frivolous distraction, and if I can help you with any need you may have, I will. It is in my best interests to ensure you are ready to fight.”
This is too difficult to process at the moment; Dean feels like his brain may be about to explode. But then he looks at Cas, and Cas looks so earnest, so concerned for his welfare that there’s nothing else he can do. He merely nods. To Cas, this is nothing more than doing his duty, doing whatever it takes to find his God and save the world. It’s just another, minor thing he has to do in pursuit of a much larger goal. They all have to make some sacrifices, so maybe this is Dean’s. And yeah, when he thinks about it, he’s getting sexual relief whenever he needs it, and it’s not from just anyone, it’s from Cas. And, to his surprise, that’s kind of alright.
“So…you’re cool with this?” He asks the question cautiously, still trying to guess Castiel’s thoughts on all of this.
“Yes Dean, I am cool with this. Are you?”
Dean can’t help but smile at this. “Yeah…” he says carefully. “Yeah I am.”
So that’s how it goes. Dean gets hard, and deals with it until it gets to the point where his own hand isn’t enough, then Cas helps him along. Over the course of three months while they travel from town to town, Cas helps him maybe once a week. And then Dean starts not to bother trying to overcome it himself, and instead just calls on Cas. Cas, wherever he is, will stop what he is doing, provided it’s not desperately important, and come to Dean’s aid. An angel booty-call-Dean thinks it’s kind of funny. He tries to ignore the creeping sense of loss he gets when they’re finished and Cas disappears off again. He doesn’t even get the chance to say ‘thank you’ most of the time.
He also tries to ignore the sense of longing he’s developed, the reliance on Cas. It seems that Sam has noticed too, because he wakes up one morning, hard and needing someone to take care of it, and Sam just gives him that stare.
“What?”
“You’re either one horny guy or you’re doing this on purpose Dean.”
“What? I can’t help that my body needs…more attention than yours.”
“That’s not the point, Dean. I don’t think you’re even trying to cope with the problem any more. You’re just calling Cas whenever and you know he’ll come running.”
Dean narrows his eyes. “So what are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying…you know what this is. Cas knows what this is. Don’t get too attached.”
“Who’s getting attached? I’m not gay, Sammy. I’m suddenly gonna give up on girls” He can feel his ears burning for some reason.
Sam sighs. “That doesn’t come into it. I’m just saying…it’s nothing to him. Don’t go making it into something it’s not.”
“Screw you.” Dean can feel his face burning, and he knows it’s not from anger, even though he knows Sammy is wrong. Of course he knows what this is. Why would he read anything else into it?
He waits for Sam to leave, and calls Castiel. He comes straight away.
“Hey.”
“Hello Dean.”
“I uh,” he gestures to his crotch. Castiel is used to his actions now, and walks over to him. Dean undoes his jeans and pulls then and his boxers down to his knees, before sitting on the bed. Castiel sits near him and places a hand on his cock, jerking him slowly. It feels so good, and the more Cas does it, the better it is.
Dean lies back, his eyes half closed as Castiel strokes him.
“I had to kill one of my brothers yesterday,” Castiel says matter-of-factly.
“Oh…I’m sorry about that, Cas.”
“It is no problem. Haniel was aligned with Uriel-he will be no loss.”
Dean opens his eyes fully and looks at Cas. His eyes are wide, but there’s no sadness in them, only determination. He smiles at him, feeling Cas’s hand start to speed up. He closes his eyes again, but a thought flashes through his mind, something he’s been thinking about for a few days. Sammy’s words are still ringing in his ears, don’t go making it into something it’s not, but he can’t help it. He has to ask.
“Uh Cas.” He says hesitantly.
Castiel’s gaze intensifies. “Yes Dean? Would you like me to go faster?”
“No it’s fine. Cas could I, uh, could I kiss you?”
Castiel studies him with those intense eyes. “Dean,” he says quietly, “that’s not what this is.” He looks almost disappointed.
Dean can feel his chest heaving. “I know, I know it’s just…I haven’t been close to someone in a while and I…” Is he really going to admit this? Really? “I like kissing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah Cas…just being close to someone, you know? And while this is fine…more than fine, uh, I wouldn’t mind it if I could kiss you too.”
“Are your certain this is the right course of action to take?”
“Yup, certain. It won’t…it won’t mean anything. It’s just a kiss.”
“If you think it’s appropriate.”
“Yeah, appropriate.”
Cas’s hand stills on him as Dean leans over. He stares at his lips, parted slightly, and puts a hand on his jaw. The stubble tickles his palm, and a small shiver runs up his spine. He leans in closer, closer, before tentatively touching Castiel’s lips with his own. They’re soft, and he can’t help put press into them harder, can’t help but lick at them, teasing them open with his tongue. He’s inside now, searching out every part of Castiel’s mouth. It’s warm and inviting, and he can’t help the groan that escapes from him, coming up right from his chest as he feels Castiel’s tongue respond.
He tilts his head back, deepening the kiss as the hand on his cock starts to move. He wants more, wants to take more of him, wants the hand on his cock to go faster and faster. He grunts, and Castiel seems to take the hint, jerking him quickly. Dean brings another hand up and curls it around the back of Castiel’s neck, stroking it softly. The kissing is frantic now, and Dean can’t seem to stop. As he feels his orgasm building, he wants to kiss harder, his tongue plundering Castiel’s mouth. Suddenly it breaks, he starts to shiver as his orgasm washes over him, but he still continues to kiss Castiel through it, moaning into his mouth. And he swears, swears that Castiel moans back as he strokes him through his climax.
The hand on him stills, and he opens his eyes to see Castiel looking at him intently.
“That was faster than usual,” Castiel says, his voice low and slightly ragged.
“Yeah,” Dean breathes. It had felt so good…he couldn’t quite believe it.
“I…must go, Dean.”
“Yeah,” says Dean absently, still trying to put his mind back together. In a flutter of wings Castiel is gone and Dean lies back. He can still taste Castiel on his lips.
That’s when it all starts to unravel. The next time Dean needs Cas’s help, all he can think about is kissing him. So he does, and Castiel kisses back, and then they fall into this weird pattern where the job just can’t be done unless there’s kissing involved. It’s ok though, because Cas likes kissing. He even told Dean that he likes the kissing, so it’s ok.
Except that it’s not, because Dean knows he’s crossed a line, that he can never go back. Sam knows it too; Dean can tell in the way he looks at him every time Cas is around, how he seems to tut under his breath and give him the bitchface every time he tells him to shut up. But he can’t stop, and doesn’t think he’d ever want to.
It’s a strange situation to be in, longing for closeness with a being that is, on the surface, incapable of affection. Even though Castiel is more human than most, even though he’s an A+ student when it comes to the kissing, the blow jobs and the hand jobs, there’s still a sense that it’s out of duty and nothing more. Dean knows this and yet, there’s a part of him that can’t help but try and take it further, to hope that this means more to Castiel than just mere duty. It’s a stupid thought, and he knows it is, but that still doesn’t stop him from hoping.
Part Two
Author: carmexgirl
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Spoilers: Season 5
Warnings: Kissing, sexual situations, general weirdness
Word Count: 8,191
Summary: Dean knows exactly what this is, knows it's just someone helping him out. But he can't help but want more.
It’s when they’re cornered in a diner by a crowd of demons that Dean first realises that something must be wrong. Well that’s not strictly true. He knows he’s been distracted, for want of a better word, for a couple of weeks now, but he’d never been able to pin point the problem until now.
He’d woken up that morning as usual with a hard on, taking care of it in the shower as he got ready for the day. The thing was, after a few hours while shopping for supplies, it happened again. He thought he could just pass it off as his jeans chafing his crotch slightly as he walked, the friction of denim against cotton against skin causing him to become aroused. He’d spent an agonising hour trying to cover his crotch, the aching hardness threatening to take him over the edge until he could get back to the motel and take care of himself in the bathroom, with Sam shouting at him from behind the door to hurry the hell up.
Perhaps it was just one of those days, coming as they did all too often recently. When he thought about it, he hadn’t gotten laid in months…months! There just hadn’t been time, what with trying to stop the final seal from breaking, and then Lucifer being set free and the impending Apocalypse…no time at all. It was perfectly normal that he’d feel frustrated and horny. Perfectly normal.
But now, in the diner, with demons swarming around him and Sam, taunting them, Dean feels himself grow hard again. Shit he thinks, not now. Of all the worst times for it to happen. He spies one of the demons looking at him, licking its lips. It had taken over the body of a not particularly attractive blonde, and she was now staring at him, eyes flicking down to his obvious erection before flicking back up and staring at him again, smiling knowingly.
She sidles over to him, tutting. “Oh dear…is this turning you on, Dean? You poor dear. Bet you haven’t had any for a while, huh?” She smiles, before moving closer, angling her body so she brushes against him and goddamn it, he moans before he can stop himself.
“Oh yes. Such a poor, deprived boy.” She begins rubbing his crotch in slow strokes, smiling as he pants. “You like that, don’t you. Come on; let me ease your suffering.” She presses harder, and Dean moans again.
“Dean!” He can hear Sammy shouting, but the rubbing feels too good, like he doesn’t want it to stop. “Dean!” Sam shouts again, and he hears the gun go off. It draws him out of his trance and he lashes out, smacking the blonde hard around the head with the butt of his gun. Gunshots sound, and in a cacophony of screaming and black smoke, the demons disappear, leaving Dean standing there, panting hard.
Sam walks over to him. “What the hell was that? Since when do you let your guard down?”
“Who knows?” He’s frustrated, and desperately trying to work out what the hell is going on with his body. “I just…there’s something not right here. It’s…” he stops when he sees Sam’s eyes travel down to his crotch. His jeans are still tented, and he is suddenly extremely embarrassed. He can’t hide it any more.
Sam looks back at him. “When was the last time you…”
Dean bites his lip. “Months. It’s been months, ok? I don’t you if you realised but there’s an Apocalypse going on. You know, the end of the world. I haven’t really had the time to sweat the small stuff.”
Sam looked at him. He wasn’t laughing. “It’s affecting you. I’ve noticed it these past couple of weeks but didn’t know what it was. You’re not concentrating; you’re distracted and they…they know your weaknesses. They can use this against you.” He gestures to his crotch.
“Bullshit Sammy.”
“No it’s not bullshit. Any weakness they see, they’ll exploit. Demons, angels…whoever. If they see you like this they know that all they need to do is conjure up a hot chick from somewhere and they’ve got you. Dude, we gotta get you laid.”
Dean thought about the blonde again and kicked petulantly at a spent cartridge, sending it clattering across the floor. “So what the hell do I do? It’s not like there’s a handy brothel near here. We’re in the middle of freaking nowhere Sammy.”
“And this place is crawling with demons, so it’s not like you can just pick up someone.” Sam put his hand to his chin and started tapping. “I’ll talk to Cas, see what he thinks. Maybe he can…I dunno, mojo it out of you.”
“Great,” mumbled Dean, kicking another cartridge. “Mojo me celibate. Awesome.”
***
“There’s nothing I can do. He needs to get it out of his system.”
“But he’s tried that. Believe me, I’ve heard him in the bathroom, or in bed when he thinks I can’t hear. It’s not working, and the noise he makes is driving me insane.”
“And it’s affecting him in other areas?”
“The demon in the diner could have killed him. He was a mess in there. She wasn’t even his usual standard and believe me, that’s normally pretty low.”
“I’m right here you know.” Dean moans.
“Dean…look just go get a coke or something while I discuss this with Castiel.” Sam stares at him, exasperated.
“I think I need to be here. I wanna hear what you come up with.” Dean eyes them both.
Castiel sighs. “Dean, Sam’s right. We need to talk further and you’re not helping matters.”
Dean throws his hands up in exasperation. “Fine! I’ll go get a drink. Call me when you’ve figured it out, assholes!”
Dean mumbles all the way to the vending machine. The light flickers on and off, but still he feeds it his money and presses for a coke. There’s a rattle, then nothing. He puts his hand in inside and nope, no coke. “Bullshit!” He shouts, kicking the machine hard. The light flickers off again, and Dean starts pressing to get his money back. Nothing comes out, so he shakes it, swears and it and kicks it again, hard.
Stupid dumb machine. Stupid Sam telling Cas his problems. Stupid Cas for actually listening to Sam. He can handle himself. He’s got five fingers and a palm, right? He’ll just use that until he can find the time to pick up someone. But then he stares at his hand and really thinks about what happened today. It’s fine, but it’s nowhere near as good as someone else, someone’s hand jerking him off, someone’s hot mouth on his cock…
He can feel himself getting hard again. “Goddamnit!” he shouts, kicking the machine again before walking back to the motel room. They’d better have come up with someone good.
He opens the door to find Castiel staring back at him. Sam is nowhere to be seen.
“Cas?” he asks slightly cautiously. “Where’s Sammy?”
“Sam has astutely left us alone for an hour.”
Dean’s eyes widen. “What…what for?”
“So I can give you relief,” he says, nonchalantly.
Dean blinks in disbelief. He clears his throat, which has suddenly gone dry. “Relief?”
“We are both in agreement that this is the only way. It’s the only way we can be certain you’re not vulnerable and leaving yourself wide open to attack, while still being satisfied.”
Castiel walks over to him. Dean is frozen to the spot, completely incredulous. His mind is running over everything Castiel has said at a frantic pace, and he still can’t believe that he and Sammy would…that they would have decided to…to…
And then suddenly his mind does believe it, because Castiel is undoing his jeans and pulling them down before pushing him towards the bed.
He comes to his senses, and pushes Castiel away. “No Cas, really!” Shit, when did his voice become so high pitched? He grunts. “This isn’t what’s needed. Seriously dude I am not into that.”
“It’s not a case of being into anything. It’s about fulfilling your needs.”
His hands are on his crotch again, feeling him through the cotton of his boxers. “But I don’t…” hands pull his underwear down and suddenly his half-hard cock is exposed to the cool air in the room. “Seriously Cas…don’t!”
It had meant to sound like a threat, but then, he really didn’t know if he should be threatening an angel. “I don’t…I’m not…you’re not…it’s using you Cas. I won’t use you like that. I’m not like that!” He’s slightly scared now, because yeah, he’d thought about it once. Well maybe more than once. He thought he’d managed to bury the strange stuff deep down in his subconscious. Now, it’s coming back with a vengeance.
Castiel looks up at him. “I know you aren’t, Dean.” Oh god does he look disappointed? Dean kind of hopes he looks disappointed. He kicks himself inwardly. “That is one of the reasons why I am willing to do this for you. I am not being used; Sam and I have discussed this, and we know it’s for the greater good. I will form no sexual attachment to you, the same as you will not form one to me. I am merely helping you out, helping you to fight better, to win this war. It is nothing more than that.”
Dean feels…he doesn’t know what to feel anymore. This whole thing is confusing. It makes sense in a kind of clinical way, he supposes, kind of like a doctor massaging your prostate when he’s examining you; there’s nothing sexual in it, it’s just something that needs to be done. Even if you do feel awkward afterwards and can’t quite look him in the eye.
He looks at Cas again, and he can feel a stirring once more in his crotch as his body betrays him. No use fighting it. “Ok, ok I get it. Do what you gotta but please, please let’s never talk about this. Not even to Sammy because I know he’ll be waiting to rip it out of me.”
“Whatever makes you feel comfortable, Dean.”
“Do you even know how to do this?”
Cas nods, and Dean is sure, sure, he does that eye-crinkling thing when he’s trying to smile. “I’ve been around a long time. I know how humans copulate.”
Copulate? He feels like a lab rat, running around while all these angels watch him eat, sleep, and ‘copulate.’ He should feel a little indignant, but suddenly there’s no time to think because instead of the hand he expected to feel on him, there’s suddenly a hot, wet mouth enveloping him. “Holy shit Cas!” Dean exclaims, scrabbling back on the bed. All his instincts at the moment are telling him this is bad, this is wrong. But damn, Castiel’s mouth feels good around him. Castiel doesn’t flinch, and instead moves forward to take Dean in deeper.
Dean moans before he can stop himself and shifts into a more comfortable position. “Oh…” he begins, “Oh that’s so…” He shuts up, knowing what this is. It’s not sex, it’s necessity. No need to be vocal about enjoying it, even if it has been so fucking long since he’d been sucked off by anyone. He closes his eyes and lies back, thinking about Sammy and how he is probably laughing his ass off at this. Bastard. He’ll get him. But then Castiel hollows his cheeks, sucks harder and does something with his tongue, and suddenly he can’t think any more. The room sort of spins and goes white, and he tries to keep his eyes open, tries not to enjoy this as much as he is. It’s no use. He gives in, and comes with a shout while Castiel continues to suck him down.
No good can come of this, he thinks through the haze of his orgasm. No good at all.
When he comes round, Castiel is gone, so he curls himself up into bed and goes to sleep, not wanting to think about anything. He has always found that post-orgasmic sleeps are the most satisfying, and this is no different. When he wakes the next morning, he feels refreshed, the evening’s events momentarily forgotten until he sees Sam, crouched over a laptop, tapping away. He looks up and smiles at him. “Good night’s sleep?”
“Shut up.” Dean walks over to him. He opens his mouth to speak, but suddenly Sam is standing.
“Now before you say anything…it worked, right?”
“Fuck you.”
“But it did. And seriously Dean, this is the best way.”
“What, having an angel of the Lord suck me off?”
Sam covers his eyes for a second, as is trying to banish the image. “Dude! Too much information. But yeah, I guess so. Yeah.”
“You’re seriously sick, Sam. Seriously sick.”
“Look. Did you wake up with, you know, with…”
Dean thinks about it. No he hadn’t. He’d woken feeling well rested, and had taken a shower. No hands and no inappropriate touching involved. “No.”
Sam smiles, and god damn it he wants to wipe the smug smirk off his face. “Then it worked, Dean. It totally worked.”
He leaves Sam to it, and goes to get cereal for breakfast. The fluttering of wings behind him tells him Castiel is here. He doesn’t know how to feel about that right now. He watched from the corner of his eye as the angel talks to Sam, acting like everything’s completely normal, like he didn’t…
He accidently spills milk on the counter, and swears as he grabs a cloth to clear it up. He watches as Sam says something to Cas, then grabs his bag and walks out. Cas comes over to him.
“Hello Dean.”
“H…hey Cas.” God this is awkward. Really awkward.
“I think I may have found another lead on God. Sam is just going to check a few things for me.”
“Great. Great.” Dean can’t quite meet Castiel’s eyes.
“We should look to move from here quite soon. I have a feeling this place will be razed to the ground and we really don’t want to be here when that happens. It could be very dangerous.”
“Dangerous, yeah.” The back of the cereal box suddenly seems really interesting. 24% of your daily allowance of sugar…very interesting.
“Dean? Dean?”
Dean snaps out of his reverie. “What?”
“Is there something wrong?”
Dean throws his head back and laughs ironically. “No of course not. Why the hell would there be anything wrong?”
“Dean…last night…”
“Whoa, stop right there. We are NOT talking about this now.”
“I think we need to. You are obviously uncomfortable.”
“Uncomfortable?! What the hell? You…you suck me off and expect me to act like nothing’s happened?”
“That was the plan.”
“Screw the plan!” Dean throws his hands up in exasperation.
“Sam told me it was successful. He said you slept right though last night, and didn’t wake up in any discomfort.”
Stupid Sam. Needs to keep his stupid mouth shut.
“Dean…I can understand the human attachment to sex but you have to understand, this doesn’t mean anything. You shouldn’t feel…awkward around me or Sam because of this. We are not going to discuss this with anyone; your masculinity will remain intact. We just want you to be safe, and content, and ready for action when the time comes. You do not need any frivolous distraction, and if I can help you with any need you may have, I will. It is in my best interests to ensure you are ready to fight.”
This is too difficult to process at the moment; Dean feels like his brain may be about to explode. But then he looks at Cas, and Cas looks so earnest, so concerned for his welfare that there’s nothing else he can do. He merely nods. To Cas, this is nothing more than doing his duty, doing whatever it takes to find his God and save the world. It’s just another, minor thing he has to do in pursuit of a much larger goal. They all have to make some sacrifices, so maybe this is Dean’s. And yeah, when he thinks about it, he’s getting sexual relief whenever he needs it, and it’s not from just anyone, it’s from Cas. And, to his surprise, that’s kind of alright.
“So…you’re cool with this?” He asks the question cautiously, still trying to guess Castiel’s thoughts on all of this.
“Yes Dean, I am cool with this. Are you?”
Dean can’t help but smile at this. “Yeah…” he says carefully. “Yeah I am.”
So that’s how it goes. Dean gets hard, and deals with it until it gets to the point where his own hand isn’t enough, then Cas helps him along. Over the course of three months while they travel from town to town, Cas helps him maybe once a week. And then Dean starts not to bother trying to overcome it himself, and instead just calls on Cas. Cas, wherever he is, will stop what he is doing, provided it’s not desperately important, and come to Dean’s aid. An angel booty-call-Dean thinks it’s kind of funny. He tries to ignore the creeping sense of loss he gets when they’re finished and Cas disappears off again. He doesn’t even get the chance to say ‘thank you’ most of the time.
He also tries to ignore the sense of longing he’s developed, the reliance on Cas. It seems that Sam has noticed too, because he wakes up one morning, hard and needing someone to take care of it, and Sam just gives him that stare.
“What?”
“You’re either one horny guy or you’re doing this on purpose Dean.”
“What? I can’t help that my body needs…more attention than yours.”
“That’s not the point, Dean. I don’t think you’re even trying to cope with the problem any more. You’re just calling Cas whenever and you know he’ll come running.”
Dean narrows his eyes. “So what are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying…you know what this is. Cas knows what this is. Don’t get too attached.”
“Who’s getting attached? I’m not gay, Sammy. I’m suddenly gonna give up on girls” He can feel his ears burning for some reason.
Sam sighs. “That doesn’t come into it. I’m just saying…it’s nothing to him. Don’t go making it into something it’s not.”
“Screw you.” Dean can feel his face burning, and he knows it’s not from anger, even though he knows Sammy is wrong. Of course he knows what this is. Why would he read anything else into it?
He waits for Sam to leave, and calls Castiel. He comes straight away.
“Hey.”
“Hello Dean.”
“I uh,” he gestures to his crotch. Castiel is used to his actions now, and walks over to him. Dean undoes his jeans and pulls then and his boxers down to his knees, before sitting on the bed. Castiel sits near him and places a hand on his cock, jerking him slowly. It feels so good, and the more Cas does it, the better it is.
Dean lies back, his eyes half closed as Castiel strokes him.
“I had to kill one of my brothers yesterday,” Castiel says matter-of-factly.
“Oh…I’m sorry about that, Cas.”
“It is no problem. Haniel was aligned with Uriel-he will be no loss.”
Dean opens his eyes fully and looks at Cas. His eyes are wide, but there’s no sadness in them, only determination. He smiles at him, feeling Cas’s hand start to speed up. He closes his eyes again, but a thought flashes through his mind, something he’s been thinking about for a few days. Sammy’s words are still ringing in his ears, don’t go making it into something it’s not, but he can’t help it. He has to ask.
“Uh Cas.” He says hesitantly.
Castiel’s gaze intensifies. “Yes Dean? Would you like me to go faster?”
“No it’s fine. Cas could I, uh, could I kiss you?”
Castiel studies him with those intense eyes. “Dean,” he says quietly, “that’s not what this is.” He looks almost disappointed.
Dean can feel his chest heaving. “I know, I know it’s just…I haven’t been close to someone in a while and I…” Is he really going to admit this? Really? “I like kissing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah Cas…just being close to someone, you know? And while this is fine…more than fine, uh, I wouldn’t mind it if I could kiss you too.”
“Are your certain this is the right course of action to take?”
“Yup, certain. It won’t…it won’t mean anything. It’s just a kiss.”
“If you think it’s appropriate.”
“Yeah, appropriate.”
Cas’s hand stills on him as Dean leans over. He stares at his lips, parted slightly, and puts a hand on his jaw. The stubble tickles his palm, and a small shiver runs up his spine. He leans in closer, closer, before tentatively touching Castiel’s lips with his own. They’re soft, and he can’t help put press into them harder, can’t help but lick at them, teasing them open with his tongue. He’s inside now, searching out every part of Castiel’s mouth. It’s warm and inviting, and he can’t help the groan that escapes from him, coming up right from his chest as he feels Castiel’s tongue respond.
He tilts his head back, deepening the kiss as the hand on his cock starts to move. He wants more, wants to take more of him, wants the hand on his cock to go faster and faster. He grunts, and Castiel seems to take the hint, jerking him quickly. Dean brings another hand up and curls it around the back of Castiel’s neck, stroking it softly. The kissing is frantic now, and Dean can’t seem to stop. As he feels his orgasm building, he wants to kiss harder, his tongue plundering Castiel’s mouth. Suddenly it breaks, he starts to shiver as his orgasm washes over him, but he still continues to kiss Castiel through it, moaning into his mouth. And he swears, swears that Castiel moans back as he strokes him through his climax.
The hand on him stills, and he opens his eyes to see Castiel looking at him intently.
“That was faster than usual,” Castiel says, his voice low and slightly ragged.
“Yeah,” Dean breathes. It had felt so good…he couldn’t quite believe it.
“I…must go, Dean.”
“Yeah,” says Dean absently, still trying to put his mind back together. In a flutter of wings Castiel is gone and Dean lies back. He can still taste Castiel on his lips.
That’s when it all starts to unravel. The next time Dean needs Cas’s help, all he can think about is kissing him. So he does, and Castiel kisses back, and then they fall into this weird pattern where the job just can’t be done unless there’s kissing involved. It’s ok though, because Cas likes kissing. He even told Dean that he likes the kissing, so it’s ok.
Except that it’s not, because Dean knows he’s crossed a line, that he can never go back. Sam knows it too; Dean can tell in the way he looks at him every time Cas is around, how he seems to tut under his breath and give him the bitchface every time he tells him to shut up. But he can’t stop, and doesn’t think he’d ever want to.
It’s a strange situation to be in, longing for closeness with a being that is, on the surface, incapable of affection. Even though Castiel is more human than most, even though he’s an A+ student when it comes to the kissing, the blow jobs and the hand jobs, there’s still a sense that it’s out of duty and nothing more. Dean knows this and yet, there’s a part of him that can’t help but try and take it further, to hope that this means more to Castiel than just mere duty. It’s a stupid thought, and he knows it is, but that still doesn’t stop him from hoping.
Part Two