CM Fic: Empty Allegiance: Emily/JJ: Chapter1/?
Empty Allegiance
Emily/JJ
Prologue @ carlyisnot.livejournal.com/4993.html
Chapter 1
Conversations in the Dark
Emily, JJ, Garcia
Emily
You can't sleep. You won’t. Because sleeping means closing your eyes. And when you close your eyes, you see things.
Tonight you see her.
"Thank you." She tells you
"I didn't do it for you." Angrily, you tell her. It seems that you can do nothing about the things that happened, but your motives are pure, they are your own for no one else to claim or see or use. She can't take that from you.
She laughs. "If that's what you need to tell yourself, Emily."
~
JJ
As darkness falls outside you look around your office. Eyes searching for something to bring some sense. You force yourself to think, to remember. So many small things that seemed a little odd at the time. You never asked. Maybe Emily has been trying to tell you something?
You sit on the floor, surrounded by hundreds of case files, splayed across the floor. It's just how your office looked, that night. You’re trying to recreate that moment, as if it will somehow jog your memory. Your eyes scan over the files scattered across the floor, waiting for one of them to jump out at you. The one that Emily was looking for, that night.
It was some months ago. You don't remember how many. More than three, less than six. You were hanging around in the bathroom at work. Waiting for the others to go home. Making sure each and every one of your team mates has left the building. You didn’t want them to know you're still here. Frightened to go home.
It's not that you were scared of something happening to you. Not scared of being raped or beaten or kidnapped or killed, or any of the things you see every day in your job that you would expect to be haunting you. Sometimes you were just afraid to close your eyes.
There were times you just needed to be here, at work. With some purpose, something constructive to do. And the mountain of paperwork on your desk served as a perfect distraction. It's just that you didn't want the others to know about the occasional nights you spent here. It was pretty pathetic.
You stopped for a moment, hearing movement from your office. Instinctively you pulled your gun as you kicked the door open.
"JJ it's me." She assured you quickly, a little alarmed.
It took a moment before you lowered your weapon. She was laughing. "Jesus Christ, JJ. What are you doing here?"
She had this way of putting you on the spot. Wasn’t this your office? What was she doing here? And yet she made you feel guilty, as if you had to answer to her.
"I forgot something." You mumbled. "And you? May I help you? Looking for something?"
She sat on the floor, case files all around her in disorderly array.
"No." She answered. "Just looking."
She was lying. You both knew it. But you didn't push it. Grateful that she had shown you the same courtesy.
She looked across the files "Look at that JJ" Emily said to you. And you looked. Suppressing the urge to pick every last folder up and stack it neatly on your desk as you're sure you had left it.
"So many cases, so many people needing help. So many ways we can fail."
"You can't look at it like that." You answered her brightly "Look at it this way, so many people we can help, we do help. People we do save.”
She continued “So many people we lock up, and injure, and kill. Families we tear apart, lives we destroy.”
“Wow.” You responded incredulously “We’re not responsible for the choices people make. If people break the law, endanger other people’s lives, it’s our responsibility to stop them. To protect the public. To uphold the law.”
“People that break the law; o you think they deserve to die?” She asks you intensely, as if you were the one deciding who lives and who dies.
“I don’t make the laws.” You answer, not sure what you think about who does or does not deserve life, or death.
“Who’s to say that we know what’s right and wrong. Don’t you ever think, sometimes, that we might have made a mistake?” She finishes softly.
“No.” You answer. It’s always been pretty clear for you; you’re one of the good guys, out to stop the bad guys.
“Don’t you ever think about the reason?”
“The reason?”
“The reason people do such terrible things.”
You think for a moment. “People hide behind a lot of ‘reasons’. I don’t believe in using that as an excuse. We all have difficulties in life, it doesn’t give us the right to kill or hurt other people. Somewhere, fundamentally, I believe everyone knows the difference between right and wrong. I wouldn't be here in this job if I didn't believe fundamentally in the law. In rules. In consequences, it’s imperative to keep society functioning. There has to be order, and we try to keep that order. ”
“How can you expect people to know right from wrong? Some people never have the chance to learn.”
“It’s sad Emily, but it’s not our problem, our job is to protect innocent people, make the world safe. We can’t be responsible for everyone; we can’t save everyone. Just do the best we can to make the world a safer place.”
“But how do you know who the innocent people are JJ?” She asks you.
“I really don’t have the answers Emily. It’s not for me to judge. I just do my job the best I can. Its all any of us can do.”
“Don’t you ever wonder, that maybe we got it wrong?”
“What are you really talking about?” You finally asked her, knowing that this wasn’t just a general debate about the moral code of society. There was something specific on her mind. She was not sitting here on your floor randomly flipping through case notes. She was haunted by something. She was looking for something. “What are you looking for?”
She looks across to you sitting on the floor of your office beside her, well after midnight. She answers your question with a question “What are you really doing here, JJ?”
~~
Emily
“Why me?” You ask.
“You know why.” She smiles.
“No.” You shake your head.
“Because with you I can be sure.” She tells you
This time its you who laughs. “I wouldn’t be so sure if I was you.”
~~~
Garcia
He approaches your desk quickly. You hide the tears. You realise he is disappointed in you for showing such emotion. You're supposed to be a hardened professional, just get on with the job. You're supposed to be able to take whatever life throws at you, not even blink.
You want to scream at him and plead with him until you get answers, but the look he gives you makes you feel like that is wrong. That it’s somehow weak.
He says something to you as he reaches the desk, so softly the others wouldn't have heard, you're not sure that you even heard it.
"Anything that shouldn't be here, get rid of it." Agent Hotchner orders you.
He doesn't have to tell you that. You've covered your tracks, Emily's tracks. She had tried herself, but not well enough to keep you from noticing. And so you had covered them for her. Hidden any trace so deep that no one would be able to find it. So you hoped.
You'd seen it more than once. Small things at first. Classified information that had been accessed. Not a big deal. Lots of people did it. Not exactly highly professional, but not a hanging offence. No excuse for the look of fury in Agent Hotchner’s eyes.
You hadn't been interested at the time. Or just hadn't wanted to know. Hadn't wanted to risk other people finding out anything. You never paid a lot of attention. You read a few things, once or twice. Nothing that made sense, nothing that stood out, case files, information about people, nothing significant, so you thought at first. It surprised you that Emily, so by the book, had been so sloppy about covering up. Had she wanted to be caught? Had she been somehow asking for help? You had never asked her even a single question. Now it’s too late. You wished you had paid more attention. Not just turned a blind eye. Its not that it would empower you to do anything. But maybe you'd have answers. Maybe you'd be able to give them to JJ.
"I'm counting on your support." He tells you, and you look at him blankly.
"This team needs to keep functioning. Please put aside any thought that there is something you can do for former Agent Prentiss. There is not. That’s up to her. Understand? She was not forced to leave. But circumstances are that nothing can bring her back. Trying will only cause a lot of difficulty. For you, the others, even for Emily."
He makes you want to scream. Does he really expect you all to go on as if nothing happened. With no explanation? No answers? Always wondering what happened, how you could have done things differently. Does he expect you to look JJ in the eye and tell her to forget it.
Your gaze wanders to JJ's office; he realises what you're thinking. "We can't afford to lose her too.”
It’s those final words that grab you. The thought that Emily is gone is bad enough, losing two of your best friends, you can’t let it happen. Hotch is right. Emily is gone. You can’t do anything to change that. But JJ is still here. You can protect her. You don’t want her making trouble for herself. You have to convince her to let it go.
“I’m not sure I can do anything about that.” You tell him. It’s really not fair of him to put this onto you.
“If anyone can, you can.” With those words he walks away.
.
Your fingers hover over the keyboard, aching. You know that within minutes you could have information. Answers. You’re not sure exactly what you’d find. Where Emily is? How to contact her? What exactly had happened? Without a reason, you can’t make peace.
No one speaks about it. And it makes you want to scream. You are all thinking about it, about her. Every last one of you.
JJ looks at you, and although you both for now respect the silence on the issue, you'd be stupid not to standing right here in the office, you know there will come a time.
"Garcia, my car's broken down, give me a ride." She asks you at the end of the day. You see this for what it is, a chance for the two of you to talk. About Emily.
You nod, how can you refuse? But you want to. Because you realise somehow that you’re relieved that you’re not permitted talk about this. Somehow you figure maybe you don't want to know the things you might find out. You don't want to reveal things you know, you don't want to think about them. Or what they might mean. Don't want to start piecing things together. Don't want to get carried away. In your job, all of you, every day, have to use your imagination, getting inside other people’s minds making sense of deviant behaviour. You're all too aware of the things that go on. You don't think you want to know.
To your immense relief, Morgan approaches from behind. “I’ll give you a ride JJ.” He speaks up.
“Thanks.” JJ tells him icily, “But I asked Garcia.”
“I’ll give you both a ride.” He states, and JJ nods.
You get in the car and wait for him to start the engine, but he sits there, silent.
“Ok. Great. We can sort this out between us, I know we can.” JJ starts.
“Let’s just not go there. You heard what Hotch said.” Morgan commands.
“Oh come on.” JJ says.
“It’s orders, we have to respect them, have to trust Hotch.” He finishes.
“Trust Hotch?” JJ repeats, incredulously.
“It’s a direct order JJ, don’t go making trouble for yourself, or dragging Garcia into this.” Morgan tells her harshly.
“Who’s gonna know Morgan? You think the FBI planted a bug in your car? In mine? In Garcia’s? In our houses? I think the FBI has better things to do. You think Hotch really expects us to walk out of here and go home and never discuss Emily again?”
“What’s the harm, Morgan? It’s just talk.” You speak up, hesitantly, because somehow you need to talk about it.
“Yeah, of course that’s all it is, just talk. Isn’t it, JJ?” Morgan wants to know, ignoring you completely. She doesn’t answer.
“All I’m saying is there must be a reason. For everyone’s good we just need to leave it alone. Maybe that’s what Emily wants.”
“It isn’t” JJ insists, her narrowed eyes sparkling with fury in the semi dark of the car.
“How do you know? She tell you that?” Morgan asks, mockingly.
You see JJ’s face fall. “No, she told me nothing.” She admits quietly. “That’s why it doesn’t make sense. That’s why we need to work together.” She turns to you “I know you know something Garcia, its written all over your face.”
“No” You tell her. It’s pretty much true. You don’t know anything that would make any sense.
“Garcia, you’re my friend, Emily’s friend.” She pleads with you.
“Morgan is right, we have to leave it alone JJ” You whisper finally.
“Thought I could count on you, Garcia.” Then venom in her voice chills you. “Thought I knew you.”
“Hey settle, it’s not her fault.” Morgan buts in. “All I’m saying is, how well did we really know Emily? We need to trust Hotch and let this go.”
“Morgan” You interrupt. “It’s Emily! We do know her.” Even though you should be siding with him, trying to convince JJ to let it go. You can’t stand there and listen as he slanders Emily like that.
“Look, Hotch wouldn’t tell us not to contact her unless it was for a good reason. Maybe it’s some undercover assignment, did you think of that? Maybe you’re jeopardising the whole case, her safety, your own job, all for nothing. We just have to stick together now and move forward, yeah?”
“Stick together?” JJ asks, spitting the words out at him.
“Yeah JJ. Stick together.” He repeats, calmly.
“Until one of us disappears?”
“Come on, JJ. You’re being unreasonable.”
“No, tell me Morgan, if I disappeared suddenly just like that, and one day Hotch came to work and told you to just forget you ever knew me, to never try to contact me, to ask no questions about what happened to me? You’d just let it go? So much for the sticking together.”
~
Emily
She stands behind you now.
She isn’t calling you, she never needed to, you always came running. But not this time. This is the end. But she is still standing there.
“What do you want?” You ask her.
“No Emily, what do you want?”
“From you? Nothing.”
She laughs. “You’re wrong.”
“You have nothing I want. I don’t need you anymore.”
“I have the one thing you want more than anything Emily. The thing you’d sacrifice anything for.”
“What?” You ask her. “What is it you have that you think I want so desperately?”
“The answers.”
Emily/JJ
Prologue @ carlyisnot.livejournal.com/4993.html
Chapter 1
Conversations in the Dark
Emily, JJ, Garcia
Emily
You can't sleep. You won’t. Because sleeping means closing your eyes. And when you close your eyes, you see things.
Tonight you see her.
"Thank you." She tells you
"I didn't do it for you." Angrily, you tell her. It seems that you can do nothing about the things that happened, but your motives are pure, they are your own for no one else to claim or see or use. She can't take that from you.
She laughs. "If that's what you need to tell yourself, Emily."
~
JJ
As darkness falls outside you look around your office. Eyes searching for something to bring some sense. You force yourself to think, to remember. So many small things that seemed a little odd at the time. You never asked. Maybe Emily has been trying to tell you something?
You sit on the floor, surrounded by hundreds of case files, splayed across the floor. It's just how your office looked, that night. You’re trying to recreate that moment, as if it will somehow jog your memory. Your eyes scan over the files scattered across the floor, waiting for one of them to jump out at you. The one that Emily was looking for, that night.
It was some months ago. You don't remember how many. More than three, less than six. You were hanging around in the bathroom at work. Waiting for the others to go home. Making sure each and every one of your team mates has left the building. You didn’t want them to know you're still here. Frightened to go home.
It's not that you were scared of something happening to you. Not scared of being raped or beaten or kidnapped or killed, or any of the things you see every day in your job that you would expect to be haunting you. Sometimes you were just afraid to close your eyes.
There were times you just needed to be here, at work. With some purpose, something constructive to do. And the mountain of paperwork on your desk served as a perfect distraction. It's just that you didn't want the others to know about the occasional nights you spent here. It was pretty pathetic.
You stopped for a moment, hearing movement from your office. Instinctively you pulled your gun as you kicked the door open.
"JJ it's me." She assured you quickly, a little alarmed.
It took a moment before you lowered your weapon. She was laughing. "Jesus Christ, JJ. What are you doing here?"
She had this way of putting you on the spot. Wasn’t this your office? What was she doing here? And yet she made you feel guilty, as if you had to answer to her.
"I forgot something." You mumbled. "And you? May I help you? Looking for something?"
She sat on the floor, case files all around her in disorderly array.
"No." She answered. "Just looking."
She was lying. You both knew it. But you didn't push it. Grateful that she had shown you the same courtesy.
She looked across the files "Look at that JJ" Emily said to you. And you looked. Suppressing the urge to pick every last folder up and stack it neatly on your desk as you're sure you had left it.
"So many cases, so many people needing help. So many ways we can fail."
"You can't look at it like that." You answered her brightly "Look at it this way, so many people we can help, we do help. People we do save.”
She continued “So many people we lock up, and injure, and kill. Families we tear apart, lives we destroy.”
“Wow.” You responded incredulously “We’re not responsible for the choices people make. If people break the law, endanger other people’s lives, it’s our responsibility to stop them. To protect the public. To uphold the law.”
“People that break the law; o you think they deserve to die?” She asks you intensely, as if you were the one deciding who lives and who dies.
“I don’t make the laws.” You answer, not sure what you think about who does or does not deserve life, or death.
“Who’s to say that we know what’s right and wrong. Don’t you ever think, sometimes, that we might have made a mistake?” She finishes softly.
“No.” You answer. It’s always been pretty clear for you; you’re one of the good guys, out to stop the bad guys.
“Don’t you ever think about the reason?”
“The reason?”
“The reason people do such terrible things.”
You think for a moment. “People hide behind a lot of ‘reasons’. I don’t believe in using that as an excuse. We all have difficulties in life, it doesn’t give us the right to kill or hurt other people. Somewhere, fundamentally, I believe everyone knows the difference between right and wrong. I wouldn't be here in this job if I didn't believe fundamentally in the law. In rules. In consequences, it’s imperative to keep society functioning. There has to be order, and we try to keep that order. ”
“How can you expect people to know right from wrong? Some people never have the chance to learn.”
“It’s sad Emily, but it’s not our problem, our job is to protect innocent people, make the world safe. We can’t be responsible for everyone; we can’t save everyone. Just do the best we can to make the world a safer place.”
“But how do you know who the innocent people are JJ?” She asks you.
“I really don’t have the answers Emily. It’s not for me to judge. I just do my job the best I can. Its all any of us can do.”
“Don’t you ever wonder, that maybe we got it wrong?”
“What are you really talking about?” You finally asked her, knowing that this wasn’t just a general debate about the moral code of society. There was something specific on her mind. She was not sitting here on your floor randomly flipping through case notes. She was haunted by something. She was looking for something. “What are you looking for?”
She looks across to you sitting on the floor of your office beside her, well after midnight. She answers your question with a question “What are you really doing here, JJ?”
~~
Emily
“Why me?” You ask.
“You know why.” She smiles.
“No.” You shake your head.
“Because with you I can be sure.” She tells you
This time its you who laughs. “I wouldn’t be so sure if I was you.”
~~~
Garcia
He approaches your desk quickly. You hide the tears. You realise he is disappointed in you for showing such emotion. You're supposed to be a hardened professional, just get on with the job. You're supposed to be able to take whatever life throws at you, not even blink.
You want to scream at him and plead with him until you get answers, but the look he gives you makes you feel like that is wrong. That it’s somehow weak.
He says something to you as he reaches the desk, so softly the others wouldn't have heard, you're not sure that you even heard it.
"Anything that shouldn't be here, get rid of it." Agent Hotchner orders you.
He doesn't have to tell you that. You've covered your tracks, Emily's tracks. She had tried herself, but not well enough to keep you from noticing. And so you had covered them for her. Hidden any trace so deep that no one would be able to find it. So you hoped.
You'd seen it more than once. Small things at first. Classified information that had been accessed. Not a big deal. Lots of people did it. Not exactly highly professional, but not a hanging offence. No excuse for the look of fury in Agent Hotchner’s eyes.
You hadn't been interested at the time. Or just hadn't wanted to know. Hadn't wanted to risk other people finding out anything. You never paid a lot of attention. You read a few things, once or twice. Nothing that made sense, nothing that stood out, case files, information about people, nothing significant, so you thought at first. It surprised you that Emily, so by the book, had been so sloppy about covering up. Had she wanted to be caught? Had she been somehow asking for help? You had never asked her even a single question. Now it’s too late. You wished you had paid more attention. Not just turned a blind eye. Its not that it would empower you to do anything. But maybe you'd have answers. Maybe you'd be able to give them to JJ.
"I'm counting on your support." He tells you, and you look at him blankly.
"This team needs to keep functioning. Please put aside any thought that there is something you can do for former Agent Prentiss. There is not. That’s up to her. Understand? She was not forced to leave. But circumstances are that nothing can bring her back. Trying will only cause a lot of difficulty. For you, the others, even for Emily."
He makes you want to scream. Does he really expect you all to go on as if nothing happened. With no explanation? No answers? Always wondering what happened, how you could have done things differently. Does he expect you to look JJ in the eye and tell her to forget it.
Your gaze wanders to JJ's office; he realises what you're thinking. "We can't afford to lose her too.”
It’s those final words that grab you. The thought that Emily is gone is bad enough, losing two of your best friends, you can’t let it happen. Hotch is right. Emily is gone. You can’t do anything to change that. But JJ is still here. You can protect her. You don’t want her making trouble for herself. You have to convince her to let it go.
“I’m not sure I can do anything about that.” You tell him. It’s really not fair of him to put this onto you.
“If anyone can, you can.” With those words he walks away.
.
Your fingers hover over the keyboard, aching. You know that within minutes you could have information. Answers. You’re not sure exactly what you’d find. Where Emily is? How to contact her? What exactly had happened? Without a reason, you can’t make peace.
No one speaks about it. And it makes you want to scream. You are all thinking about it, about her. Every last one of you.
JJ looks at you, and although you both for now respect the silence on the issue, you'd be stupid not to standing right here in the office, you know there will come a time.
"Garcia, my car's broken down, give me a ride." She asks you at the end of the day. You see this for what it is, a chance for the two of you to talk. About Emily.
You nod, how can you refuse? But you want to. Because you realise somehow that you’re relieved that you’re not permitted talk about this. Somehow you figure maybe you don't want to know the things you might find out. You don't want to reveal things you know, you don't want to think about them. Or what they might mean. Don't want to start piecing things together. Don't want to get carried away. In your job, all of you, every day, have to use your imagination, getting inside other people’s minds making sense of deviant behaviour. You're all too aware of the things that go on. You don't think you want to know.
To your immense relief, Morgan approaches from behind. “I’ll give you a ride JJ.” He speaks up.
“Thanks.” JJ tells him icily, “But I asked Garcia.”
“I’ll give you both a ride.” He states, and JJ nods.
You get in the car and wait for him to start the engine, but he sits there, silent.
“Ok. Great. We can sort this out between us, I know we can.” JJ starts.
“Let’s just not go there. You heard what Hotch said.” Morgan commands.
“Oh come on.” JJ says.
“It’s orders, we have to respect them, have to trust Hotch.” He finishes.
“Trust Hotch?” JJ repeats, incredulously.
“It’s a direct order JJ, don’t go making trouble for yourself, or dragging Garcia into this.” Morgan tells her harshly.
“Who’s gonna know Morgan? You think the FBI planted a bug in your car? In mine? In Garcia’s? In our houses? I think the FBI has better things to do. You think Hotch really expects us to walk out of here and go home and never discuss Emily again?”
“What’s the harm, Morgan? It’s just talk.” You speak up, hesitantly, because somehow you need to talk about it.
“Yeah, of course that’s all it is, just talk. Isn’t it, JJ?” Morgan wants to know, ignoring you completely. She doesn’t answer.
“All I’m saying is there must be a reason. For everyone’s good we just need to leave it alone. Maybe that’s what Emily wants.”
“It isn’t” JJ insists, her narrowed eyes sparkling with fury in the semi dark of the car.
“How do you know? She tell you that?” Morgan asks, mockingly.
You see JJ’s face fall. “No, she told me nothing.” She admits quietly. “That’s why it doesn’t make sense. That’s why we need to work together.” She turns to you “I know you know something Garcia, its written all over your face.”
“No” You tell her. It’s pretty much true. You don’t know anything that would make any sense.
“Garcia, you’re my friend, Emily’s friend.” She pleads with you.
“Morgan is right, we have to leave it alone JJ” You whisper finally.
“Thought I could count on you, Garcia.” Then venom in her voice chills you. “Thought I knew you.”
“Hey settle, it’s not her fault.” Morgan buts in. “All I’m saying is, how well did we really know Emily? We need to trust Hotch and let this go.”
“Morgan” You interrupt. “It’s Emily! We do know her.” Even though you should be siding with him, trying to convince JJ to let it go. You can’t stand there and listen as he slanders Emily like that.
“Look, Hotch wouldn’t tell us not to contact her unless it was for a good reason. Maybe it’s some undercover assignment, did you think of that? Maybe you’re jeopardising the whole case, her safety, your own job, all for nothing. We just have to stick together now and move forward, yeah?”
“Stick together?” JJ asks, spitting the words out at him.
“Yeah JJ. Stick together.” He repeats, calmly.
“Until one of us disappears?”
“Come on, JJ. You’re being unreasonable.”
“No, tell me Morgan, if I disappeared suddenly just like that, and one day Hotch came to work and told you to just forget you ever knew me, to never try to contact me, to ask no questions about what happened to me? You’d just let it go? So much for the sticking together.”
~
Emily
She stands behind you now.
She isn’t calling you, she never needed to, you always came running. But not this time. This is the end. But she is still standing there.
“What do you want?” You ask her.
“No Emily, what do you want?”
“From you? Nothing.”
She laughs. “You’re wrong.”
“You have nothing I want. I don’t need you anymore.”
“I have the one thing you want more than anything Emily. The thing you’d sacrifice anything for.”
“What?” You ask her. “What is it you have that you think I want so desperately?”
“The answers.”