CM Fic: Empty Allegiance: Emily JJ: Chapter 15
Chapter 15
Chapter 15
Emily
You lay in silence, knowing JJ was sleeping only metres from you. So close, and yet so far. It had been over a week since you had kissed her and she pulled away from you. It had been over a week since you found out your daughter was alive. No, you correct yourself, It had been longer than that. Almost three weeks since he told you the truth. But you hadn’t believed him. It was a truth too awful to bear, to realise she had been alive all these years, out there lost and alone, while your own life went on without her. You hadn’t even believed your sister when she told you the same thing. It was your mother, who never put it into words they way the others had, It was your mother who told you everything you needed to know with one look. And in that moment, your entire life came crashing down around you. How could your own mother have kept this from you?
You could hardly stand the pretence of life going on, of having to work, to eat sleep go on living, with your daughter so far away. But you still didn’t know where she was. You needed your connections, and were thankful you still had your job. No one was yet suspicious of the things you’d done recently. And you waited, day after day, for the final shoe to drop. For someone to put it together, to look at you and realise you were guilty. You had imagined you’d be discovered and fired by now. You almost longed for it, for things to be over. But it couldn’t happen until you had the information you needed to find your daughter.
You felt guilty once again for breaking the rules, accessing Garcia’s computer, contacting old colleagues and having them search for information pretending it was for a BAU case. But you’d violated so many laws lately, one more surely wouldn’t make a difference. Of course it occurred to you to go to Garcia, to tell her about your daughter, ask her to help. To ask any of them to help you. If anyone could find her, it would be your team. But you would be putting her own job in jeopardy. And you’d be alerting them at the same time to the things you’d done, laws you’d broken, cases you’d sabotaged. Who among them would help you once they found out you betrayed them, betrayed their trust and everything the BAU stood for? There was no one who could help you now. You were on your own. And suddenly you realised that without your team, you were not nearly as clever or resourceful as you thought you were. You know that time is running out, any day now you’ll be discovered, and that will be it, your job gone. Your team gone. But your little girl needed you, that had to come first.
You longed to tell JJ everything as you slept so close to her in that motel room the last case you worked together. You looked over at her, thinking it might be the last time you would see her. You longed to feel her arms around you, longed to tell her everything, to completely unburden your soul, to cry and have her comfort you. To hear her tell you that everything would be ok, that she understood why you’d done the things you’d done. But you remind yourself again and again of the time you kissed her, she pulled away so hastily. So horrified by the prospect of being intimate with you. She completely and totally rejected you. And even if she had not done so, it wasn’t fair to drag her into this mess. And so you lay silently. Looked over to her as she wished you good night. Reached slowly to turn the light off. In her eyes you saw so much love, so much desire. And you told yourself you were imagining things as you extinguished the light. And those eyes haunted you as you finally surrendered to sleep.
You woke suddenly some time later, a sharp pain piercing through your abdomen. A pain so intense it caused you to cry out. JJ is there beside you before you could even blink. She is telling you its ok, its just a dream. You sit up gasping for air. You had blocked out so many memories, facts and events, locked them away forever, but the feelings had never entirely vanished. And all at once you felt crushed by the weight of your mistakes, regrets, inconsolable grief. It wasn’t actual facts, details, memories that came to mind. You’d worked hard to erase those years ago. It was an intangible feeing suffocating you, relentlessly and unbearably coursing over you. And you couldn’t make it stop. This horror you’d pushed away for so many years was suddenly consuming you. Ripping right through you so that you felt as if you were being torn in two.
You bit your lip to stop yourself crying out again, all too aware of the others sleeping next door. You wanted to tell JJ you were fine, to go back to sleep. But it was beyond you to pretend in that moment. You just shook your head, wearily as she took your hand in her own, looking to you for answers.
She is asking you if you’re sick, if you need a Dr. You find strength to speak, snapping at her to leave you the hell alone. You hadn’t meant to sound so cruel to her, but it somehow makes you feel better, distracts you for a moment seeing the wounded look in her eyes. You muster some sort of strength, more than you thought you had, and tell her again that you’re fine. You stand to your feet, amazed to find they have the strength to hold you upright, and pushing her aside, make your way to the bathroom, locking the door behind you.
It isn’t long before she comes knocking at the door, calling your name. You wonder what it is that makes her come after you time and time again when you keep slamming doors in her face. You marvel at her resilience.
“Be quiet, you’ll wake the others.” You whisper harshly through the door.
“Yes, I will wake the others.” She tells you adamantly “If you don’t open this door right this minute.”
You don’t open the door. You’re not sure you have the energy to reach up and turn the handle. And she makes no move to wake the others sleeping in the rooms next to yours. She doesn’t want them here any more than you do, you realise. She doesn’t want them to know or see how much you both feel for one another. Suddenly you don’t think you care very much if she does wake them up. If the whole entire team comes barging in breaking the door down. What could anyone possibly do to hurt you now? What is there left to be afraid of? You’ve thrown away the best job you ever had, betrayed your team, your family, and it’s only a matter of time before they find out. You betrayed your daughter, left her alone in the world without anyone to love her, never even lifting a finger to find her. And what if you do find her, what could you ever do to make it up to her? The horrifying truth makes you sick to your stomach, and you are violently ill.
While you’re pondering the complete worthlessness of your life, JJ has managed to fiddle with the lock, and open the door. And suddenly you feel so childish cowering there in the corner hiding away from her. She crouches down beside you, reaching towards your hair. You’re certain you look like crap, and its not how you’d like anyone to see you, lease of all JJ. But she seems unperturbed by your appearance, by your strange behaviour. And she sits, looking deep into your eyes.
“Please.” She begs you.
“Please what?” You ask her, genuinely curious.
“Please talk to me Emily, Please don’t shut me out like this.”
You take hold of her hand as she caresses your face and squeeze it gently. How badly you wanted to tell her everything. But you are powerless to speak, and again all you can do is shake your head, trying hard to prevent those tears that are threatening to fall.
She nods gently in reply, lets go of your hand, and stands to leave. You almost call out for her to stay. Forgetting for a moment that you were the one who told her to leave you the hell alone. And it’s suddenly so cold without her that you’re shaking as you sit there alone on the bathroom floor. You feel like you’re falling, like you’re drowning, and you want to reach out to your lifeline, to JJ. But you stop yourself. You’d only drown her right alongside you, and she deserves so much better than that.
You wonder about your daughter, where is she, is she cold and alone and wondering where her mother is? And it makes you feel better somehow, to feel so alone and so miserable. It’s what you deserve.
You close your eyes, longing to die right there and then. You tell yourself you have to keep living, to find your daughter, to make sure she is ok, to make things up to her. But you’re so tired. And you have nothing to offer her. You’ll probably end up in jail when the FBI discovers the things you’d done. Your mothers words echo in your head “Really Emily, What kind of a mother would you have been?” And you wonder if your daughter is in a better place, better off without you in her life.
When you open your eyes, JJ is standing before you again. You can’t help but smile when you see her there, see that she has come back for you even though you gave her every reason to run. You try to tell yourself not to smile, not to let her see how much you want her, need her. It only makes you look foolish and vulnerable; it only gives her power to hurt you. But you can’t help it the way your eyes light up when you look up and see her there.
She’s brought a blanket and she sits beside you, wrapping you tightly and pulling you close. As you lay your head against her, the sickening wave of nausea subsides, and the sharp stabbing pain diminishes. She says nothing. You don’t blame her for that, every word she speaks you twist against her lately. She just sits holding you close. And you close your eyes and wish that morning would never come.
Chapter 15
Emily
You lay in silence, knowing JJ was sleeping only metres from you. So close, and yet so far. It had been over a week since you had kissed her and she pulled away from you. It had been over a week since you found out your daughter was alive. No, you correct yourself, It had been longer than that. Almost three weeks since he told you the truth. But you hadn’t believed him. It was a truth too awful to bear, to realise she had been alive all these years, out there lost and alone, while your own life went on without her. You hadn’t even believed your sister when she told you the same thing. It was your mother, who never put it into words they way the others had, It was your mother who told you everything you needed to know with one look. And in that moment, your entire life came crashing down around you. How could your own mother have kept this from you?
You could hardly stand the pretence of life going on, of having to work, to eat sleep go on living, with your daughter so far away. But you still didn’t know where she was. You needed your connections, and were thankful you still had your job. No one was yet suspicious of the things you’d done recently. And you waited, day after day, for the final shoe to drop. For someone to put it together, to look at you and realise you were guilty. You had imagined you’d be discovered and fired by now. You almost longed for it, for things to be over. But it couldn’t happen until you had the information you needed to find your daughter.
You felt guilty once again for breaking the rules, accessing Garcia’s computer, contacting old colleagues and having them search for information pretending it was for a BAU case. But you’d violated so many laws lately, one more surely wouldn’t make a difference. Of course it occurred to you to go to Garcia, to tell her about your daughter, ask her to help. To ask any of them to help you. If anyone could find her, it would be your team. But you would be putting her own job in jeopardy. And you’d be alerting them at the same time to the things you’d done, laws you’d broken, cases you’d sabotaged. Who among them would help you once they found out you betrayed them, betrayed their trust and everything the BAU stood for? There was no one who could help you now. You were on your own. And suddenly you realised that without your team, you were not nearly as clever or resourceful as you thought you were. You know that time is running out, any day now you’ll be discovered, and that will be it, your job gone. Your team gone. But your little girl needed you, that had to come first.
You longed to tell JJ everything as you slept so close to her in that motel room the last case you worked together. You looked over at her, thinking it might be the last time you would see her. You longed to feel her arms around you, longed to tell her everything, to completely unburden your soul, to cry and have her comfort you. To hear her tell you that everything would be ok, that she understood why you’d done the things you’d done. But you remind yourself again and again of the time you kissed her, she pulled away so hastily. So horrified by the prospect of being intimate with you. She completely and totally rejected you. And even if she had not done so, it wasn’t fair to drag her into this mess. And so you lay silently. Looked over to her as she wished you good night. Reached slowly to turn the light off. In her eyes you saw so much love, so much desire. And you told yourself you were imagining things as you extinguished the light. And those eyes haunted you as you finally surrendered to sleep.
You woke suddenly some time later, a sharp pain piercing through your abdomen. A pain so intense it caused you to cry out. JJ is there beside you before you could even blink. She is telling you its ok, its just a dream. You sit up gasping for air. You had blocked out so many memories, facts and events, locked them away forever, but the feelings had never entirely vanished. And all at once you felt crushed by the weight of your mistakes, regrets, inconsolable grief. It wasn’t actual facts, details, memories that came to mind. You’d worked hard to erase those years ago. It was an intangible feeing suffocating you, relentlessly and unbearably coursing over you. And you couldn’t make it stop. This horror you’d pushed away for so many years was suddenly consuming you. Ripping right through you so that you felt as if you were being torn in two.
You bit your lip to stop yourself crying out again, all too aware of the others sleeping next door. You wanted to tell JJ you were fine, to go back to sleep. But it was beyond you to pretend in that moment. You just shook your head, wearily as she took your hand in her own, looking to you for answers.
She is asking you if you’re sick, if you need a Dr. You find strength to speak, snapping at her to leave you the hell alone. You hadn’t meant to sound so cruel to her, but it somehow makes you feel better, distracts you for a moment seeing the wounded look in her eyes. You muster some sort of strength, more than you thought you had, and tell her again that you’re fine. You stand to your feet, amazed to find they have the strength to hold you upright, and pushing her aside, make your way to the bathroom, locking the door behind you.
It isn’t long before she comes knocking at the door, calling your name. You wonder what it is that makes her come after you time and time again when you keep slamming doors in her face. You marvel at her resilience.
“Be quiet, you’ll wake the others.” You whisper harshly through the door.
“Yes, I will wake the others.” She tells you adamantly “If you don’t open this door right this minute.”
You don’t open the door. You’re not sure you have the energy to reach up and turn the handle. And she makes no move to wake the others sleeping in the rooms next to yours. She doesn’t want them here any more than you do, you realise. She doesn’t want them to know or see how much you both feel for one another. Suddenly you don’t think you care very much if she does wake them up. If the whole entire team comes barging in breaking the door down. What could anyone possibly do to hurt you now? What is there left to be afraid of? You’ve thrown away the best job you ever had, betrayed your team, your family, and it’s only a matter of time before they find out. You betrayed your daughter, left her alone in the world without anyone to love her, never even lifting a finger to find her. And what if you do find her, what could you ever do to make it up to her? The horrifying truth makes you sick to your stomach, and you are violently ill.
While you’re pondering the complete worthlessness of your life, JJ has managed to fiddle with the lock, and open the door. And suddenly you feel so childish cowering there in the corner hiding away from her. She crouches down beside you, reaching towards your hair. You’re certain you look like crap, and its not how you’d like anyone to see you, lease of all JJ. But she seems unperturbed by your appearance, by your strange behaviour. And she sits, looking deep into your eyes.
“Please.” She begs you.
“Please what?” You ask her, genuinely curious.
“Please talk to me Emily, Please don’t shut me out like this.”
You take hold of her hand as she caresses your face and squeeze it gently. How badly you wanted to tell her everything. But you are powerless to speak, and again all you can do is shake your head, trying hard to prevent those tears that are threatening to fall.
She nods gently in reply, lets go of your hand, and stands to leave. You almost call out for her to stay. Forgetting for a moment that you were the one who told her to leave you the hell alone. And it’s suddenly so cold without her that you’re shaking as you sit there alone on the bathroom floor. You feel like you’re falling, like you’re drowning, and you want to reach out to your lifeline, to JJ. But you stop yourself. You’d only drown her right alongside you, and she deserves so much better than that.
You wonder about your daughter, where is she, is she cold and alone and wondering where her mother is? And it makes you feel better somehow, to feel so alone and so miserable. It’s what you deserve.
You close your eyes, longing to die right there and then. You tell yourself you have to keep living, to find your daughter, to make sure she is ok, to make things up to her. But you’re so tired. And you have nothing to offer her. You’ll probably end up in jail when the FBI discovers the things you’d done. Your mothers words echo in your head “Really Emily, What kind of a mother would you have been?” And you wonder if your daughter is in a better place, better off without you in her life.
When you open your eyes, JJ is standing before you again. You can’t help but smile when you see her there, see that she has come back for you even though you gave her every reason to run. You try to tell yourself not to smile, not to let her see how much you want her, need her. It only makes you look foolish and vulnerable; it only gives her power to hurt you. But you can’t help it the way your eyes light up when you look up and see her there.
She’s brought a blanket and she sits beside you, wrapping you tightly and pulling you close. As you lay your head against her, the sickening wave of nausea subsides, and the sharp stabbing pain diminishes. She says nothing. You don’t blame her for that, every word she speaks you twist against her lately. She just sits holding you close. And you close your eyes and wish that morning would never come.