CM Fic: Empty Allegiance: Emily JJ: Chapter 14
Chapter 14
Chapter 14
JJ
“She didn’t say anything to you? Anything at all? About going to Australia?” Garcia keeps asking you the question, even though she is living through this nightmare right alongside you. She more than any of the others felt the effect of your anger and confusion at the way Emily had disappeared without a trace, without warning, without good bye. You would have told her if you had the first idea where Emily might have gone.
“No.” you keep telling her. “Emily said nothing to me.”
You rack your brain, trying to remember that last time you had seen Emily. Emily had walked out of Hotch’s office that morning. Calmly. Her head held high. She smiled at you. So purely it made your heart skip a beat. Things had been strained over the past weeks between the two of you. You couldn’t quite remember the last time you had seen her smile. The last time she had looked right at you. Emily had always spoken to you with her eyes. That morning, when she looked right at you, you realised how much you’d been missing that eye contact. And you started to think that finally, maybe, you were getting somewhere with her. Maybe she was beginning to trust you, maybe you were beginning to let go of all your fears and doubts. Maybe, finally, things were going right.
That moment, as Emily smiled at you, you wanted to believe her eyes were telling you that she loved you, that she understood, that she wanted to trust you and wanted you to trust in her.
And you believed she somehow deciphered the message your own eyes replied, that you loved her too, that you wanted to be with her. That you could break down the walls you’d each built up high so high around yourselves. That finally you were ready to push every obstacle out of the way and let go of the things that had always held you back. That you couldn’t wait until the day was over to be alone with her tonight.
Exchanging glances with her in that moment, You felt like you could do anything, like you and Emily together could achieve anything. Nothing could ever stand in your way. But none of this could you say in the crowded office building, so you smiled back at her brightly. Knowing that she would understand you in that way she always seemed able to. That she would see you loved her, that you were ready, that things would work out. For those few minutes you truly believed it would all be that easy.
After Emily had vanished, you wondered if she had ever truly seen you, if you’d ever seen her? Had you built this up in your imagination something that was never real?
You felt her eyes that morning, penetrating deep into your soul, deeper than any person had ever been. And yet if she had truly seen you, if she truly knew you the way you believed in, how could she possibly have turned and walked away from you just like that? If she knew she was holding your heart in her hands, how could she have left you behind?
Still, somehow, it hurt less to see things that way than to believe Emily had never seen you at all, never known you. That you love a phantom, the woman you love doesn’t exist outside your own over active imagination. That the most real relationship you ever had, the person who touched you on levels you never dared to dream, that person didn’t exist. It was meaningless. And you were invisible. You didn’t exist outside of her. Your very survival depended on this-she saw you, she knew you, she loved you. She was gone, where did that leave you? If the Emily you love does not exist, than neither do you.
You had brightly asked Emily that last morning if she wanted coffee. ‘No thanks,’ She told you, looking you straight in the eyes, still smiling at you. She picked up her jacket and walked out. That was it.
Over and over you played that scene in your mind. You looked again and again into her eyes, searching layer upon layer. There must have been something there, something you missed. Her eyes had always spoken to you. Across crowded rooms in the midst of chaos she would look at you and you would see straight into her heart, into her mind. That morning, you looked, and what you thought you saw was love, understanding, peace. There was no hint of sorrow, fear, regret, anything you’d expect to see knowing she was walking away from you, from the team, for good. And it made you wonder, did she really feel nothing as she left that life behind her? Or was it just hidden so deeply along with every other thing she kept from you?
“She never mentioned Australia to you? Ever?” Garcia is still questioning you, although you’re not giving her your full attention. She is trying to piece together the latest piece of information you had discovered from Francesca St James. The sum total of which was this- Emily was in Australia. For a moment you felt peace, finally you knew where Emily was. Until it sunk in just how big the great south land was, how far away from you, how unreachable. Until you stopped to realise that you still had no idea why Emily had gone there, if she was ok, Who is this woman Francesca?
Francesca had been less than forth coming with information, you suspected she knew more, but felt powerless to find out what it was. You would have tried harder though, if Garcia hadn’t pulled you away, afraid of the woman putting in a complaint about the FBI harassing her.
“No.” You answered again. “Emily never mentioned Australia.”
It had been easy enough to confirm Francesca’s story without compromising your job. Emily had boarded a plane to Australia that very morning she walked out of the BAU.
“She used her own name, her own passport. She could have covered her tracks if she didn’t want to be found.” Garcia shares her thoughts with you.
“I suppose she thought no one would bother to look for her. ” You add sadly, wondering if that really was the case. If Emily had just disappeared like that believing you would heed Hotch’s warning, forget her, move on. Did Emily really believe you wouldn’t find her, wouldn’t follow her to the ends of the earth?
Instantly you begin adding up your savings, wondering just how much a ticket to Australia costs, how quickly you can get over there. Garcia thinks you’ve finally snapped and lost your mind.
“Do you know how big that country is? How are you going to find her when you get there? How are you going to pay for it? What about your job? And if you find her, what then JJ? “
And you begin to panic, realising you’ve lost your one ally from the team. Garcia is losing faith in Emily, in you. Its not that you don’t see her point. Why should you toss in your job, spend your savings, fly across the world searching for someone who walked out and left you for dust without a glance. You have no answer for her. Only that you have to do it somehow.
“Maybe….you should just stop and think a minute.” Garcia begins. And you know what’s coming “Is this worth it JJ? Come on we’ve given it our best shot. Emily knows where to find us if she wanted to or needed to.”
“I thought you cared about Emily, I thought you wanted to help me find her.” You say, intentionally hardening your tone, to make it sound like an accusation. As you say it, your voice is filled with every bit of anger, resentment, bitterness that you can muster. And none of it should be aimed in Garcia’s direction.
The look in her eyes cuts right through you, reminding you once again that your attitude is misplaced. Guilt looms over you as you remember the way you had treated Garcia. All because Emily had become front and center in your life, you pushed every one else aside as if they didn’t matter compared to Emily. You nearly lost your best friend in the process. And were still no closer to finding Emily. Garcia doesn’t deserve your anger, and you’ve hurt her enough already. But you’re desperate, can’t she see that? So you stare back, refusing to apologise.
“I care.” Garcia tells you, and she is angry now. “Don’t ever tell me that I don’t care! Do you know how many nights I’ve lost sleep, do you know I’m risking my job to even be here talking about this with you? I care. But I care about you too, JJ. I just don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t understand this, any of this. I don’t know where Emily has gone, or why, and I just don’t want to lose you too.” She is still trying to sound angry, but you can see she is on the verge of tears, and you feel guilty. You don’t know what to say to her. You want to give her what she wants to hear. You can’t.
Garcia’s words echo in your consciousness.
Was this worth it? Was any of this worth it?
It’s what you want to ask Emily too. Was it worth it? Whatever reason you had for doing this to us, was it worth it Emily?
You knew all too well that you seemed crazy to anyone on the outside. Maybe you were just extremely sad and pathetic. Chasing someone who didn’t want you, chasing someone to the other side of the planet who couldn’t be bothered to even say goodbye to you. Was it just that you couldn’t live with the way she had left you this confusion and uncertainty hanging over your head? If she’s come to you or even left you a note saying ‘JJ I’m not interested’ Would you have accepted it? If she’d openly resigned from the BAU, moved on to some other job, would you have smiled and wished her well? Would you have let her go?
Finally you break the awkward silence that had fallen over you. “I understand. If you don’t want to help me anymore, I understand. Thank you for everything you’ve done. But I’m going to Australia. I’m going to find Emily. Don’t try and stop me. You can’t.”
“Do you ever wonder if Emily even wants you to find her, JJ? Maybe she’s just moved on without you.” Garcia suggests, her final attempt to persuade you. You can tell she doesn’t believe it, doesn’t believed Emily has just ‘moved on’, but her words hurt none the less.
“I don’t care what Emily wants.” You answer, bitterly. After the way she left you, shattered the team, why should you care about what she wants. Deep down, in the deepest part of you, you can’t shake the feeling that Emily is in trouble, that she needs you. You can’t make the others understand that. Maybe you are crazy. But you can’t live with yourself if you don’t try, can’t face another day knowing Emily is out there and you hadn’t done everything in your power to find her. Of course the team thought you crazy. But you knew Emily better than they did, you let her down in ways you can never make up to her. You have to do this. You know it.
Garcia nods silently in acknowledgement, and turns and walks away.
Once you’re alone, You think back to the last case you had worked with Emily. Only days before she disappeared. You can’t even remember the details of the case, or the city you found yourself in. The thing that stands out was that you shared a room with Emily that last night before flying home.
It wasn’t an unusual occurrence. You often shared together when required to stay overnight away from home. It was the third, and last, night in that city. The past two nights you had lay awake most of the night. Listening to her breathing, remembering how it felt when she had kissed you. Remembering that you have never desired anyone more than you desired her in that moment. And yet you pulled away.
You couldn’t even understand your own actions, there was no way you could expect her to either. That look in her eyes that briefly flashed across her face broke your heart. And then it had vanished, and in its place had been that fake composed expression ever since that day. Things had been awkward from that point on. But she smiled at you, was polite. You managed to function professionally as part of the same team. And to the team it may have seemed nothing was out of the ordinary. But at nights when the others had turned in to sleep, when the sun had vanished and left you wrapped in familiar darkness, that’s when you felt it. Felt the loss of her as if part of yourself had died. Even though she stood before you, slept only metres away from you, living and breathing, something was missing. You longed for it, grieved for it, almost felt like you would die without it. And yet you made no move to get it back.
The past months, whenever you and Emily shared a room together, you’d formed a habit of sharing a bed, holding one another all night long. It began after a particularly gruesome case, neither of you could sleep. And she came over, took your hand, and before you knew it was lying beside you, wordlessly, pulling you so close you could feel her heart beating. And from that night on, she came each night to your bed. It felt so natural to you, you slept so peacefully. You never engaged in anything other than touching. It was as if she sensed your fear somehow. Your many fears. Apprehension about becoming involved with a colleague, doubts about your own sexuality, and just that simple fear of losing control. Your feelings for her were so strong, it gave her so much power over you. She made you feel like you couldn’t breathe. It was foreign to you. And had she asked more from you at the time, you would have pushed her away.
You grew accustomed to her touch at night, the way she held you gently, the way her fingers caressed your skin softly, the gentle whispers in your ears. You missed her closeness in the daylight hours when you had to keep a professional distance. But ever since the day she had kissed you and you pulled away from her, she had stopped coming to your bed at nights. And you lay awake, colder and more lonely than you had ever felt in your life. You lay there, alone, wondering if she missed having you in her arms as much as you missed her? The intensity of your own desire for her in that moment frightened you.
You knew it was you who had to make the move, after you were the one to reject her when she kissed you. The thought of her rejecting you send chills down your spine. You always thought of yourself as a fairly brave person. She turned you into coward, and you resented her for that. You realise in that moment how afraid she must have been when she kissed you. Afraid of your rejection. Or was she so confident that you would reciprocate that she never felt fear?
Either way, she had kissed you. Pushed aside her own fear and dignity, and followed her heart. You saw it in her eyes that night, that she loved you. But you saw something else too- that she needed you. You’d never felt needed by her before. Not in the way you needed her. It infuriated you that she wanted to be there for you constantly , never allowing you to reciprocate, never letting you in the way you let her in to your life, told her your every secret.
That night, she reached out to you, opened herself up to you. And you slammed the door shut right in her face. And she, she had gone back hiding behind that ridiculous mask she presented to the rest of the world. Pretending you were just friends, just colleagues. Pretending that she didn’t need you, didn’t need anyone. Pretending that you had never touched her life, you were in consequential, unimportant, worthless. And you wondered if that’s how you made her feel by pushing her away when she kissed you.
Night after night you thought about her, dreamed about her, but found yourself paralysed when it came to making a move. The past three days working the case, you spent your every waking moment planning it. And when darkness fell and you were alone in the motel room together, you just couldn’t do it.
You tried to tell yourself it was better that way. Just friends. Things were sort of ok now, she didn’t avoid anymore, she wasn’t uncomfortable working with you. What if you made your move and wrecked all that? Insidious doubts played over and over in your mind. And you wished that just one more time, she would make that move, reach out towards you. She’d always been the one to do it, and you willed her to try one more time. This time I wont hold back Emily, this time I’ll give you every thing i have, just reach out and touch me one more time. You begged her silently with your eyes that night, right before she reached over and turned out the light.
She always turned out the light. She always waited. Silently and under the cover of darkness, before she came to you. As if It was some how permissible in the dark. If you couldn’t see what you were doing, it was breaking no rules. Somehow it was less frightening to need another human being in the dark. She never spoke, ever conscious of the other team members sleeping in the next room. You didn’t need words. Her touch told you everything you needed to know.
On that final night, taking a deep breath, you climbed out of bed after what felt like hours. The cold night air chilled you to the bone and you longed to creep back into bed under the safety of the covers. But you looked over to her, eyes closed, sleeping so peacefully in the moonlight. And you couldn’t turn away from her. She looked so peaceful, something she hadn’t looked in weeks. And you supposed she wasn’t missing you in the slightest if she could sleep so soundly without you by her side. You kneel down beside her, afraid to touch her, to wake her, but needing to be close to her. You can see in the dim moonlight the scar over her forehead from the supposed car accident she had told you about. You reach your fingers to touch it, stopping just before you make contact with her. Long to run your fingers through her hair, stroke her face, whisper in her ear that you’re sorry. But you don’t. You can’t. And you sit, watching her into the early hours of the morning.
~
Chapter 14
JJ
“She didn’t say anything to you? Anything at all? About going to Australia?” Garcia keeps asking you the question, even though she is living through this nightmare right alongside you. She more than any of the others felt the effect of your anger and confusion at the way Emily had disappeared without a trace, without warning, without good bye. You would have told her if you had the first idea where Emily might have gone.
“No.” you keep telling her. “Emily said nothing to me.”
You rack your brain, trying to remember that last time you had seen Emily. Emily had walked out of Hotch’s office that morning. Calmly. Her head held high. She smiled at you. So purely it made your heart skip a beat. Things had been strained over the past weeks between the two of you. You couldn’t quite remember the last time you had seen her smile. The last time she had looked right at you. Emily had always spoken to you with her eyes. That morning, when she looked right at you, you realised how much you’d been missing that eye contact. And you started to think that finally, maybe, you were getting somewhere with her. Maybe she was beginning to trust you, maybe you were beginning to let go of all your fears and doubts. Maybe, finally, things were going right.
That moment, as Emily smiled at you, you wanted to believe her eyes were telling you that she loved you, that she understood, that she wanted to trust you and wanted you to trust in her.
And you believed she somehow deciphered the message your own eyes replied, that you loved her too, that you wanted to be with her. That you could break down the walls you’d each built up high so high around yourselves. That finally you were ready to push every obstacle out of the way and let go of the things that had always held you back. That you couldn’t wait until the day was over to be alone with her tonight.
Exchanging glances with her in that moment, You felt like you could do anything, like you and Emily together could achieve anything. Nothing could ever stand in your way. But none of this could you say in the crowded office building, so you smiled back at her brightly. Knowing that she would understand you in that way she always seemed able to. That she would see you loved her, that you were ready, that things would work out. For those few minutes you truly believed it would all be that easy.
After Emily had vanished, you wondered if she had ever truly seen you, if you’d ever seen her? Had you built this up in your imagination something that was never real?
You felt her eyes that morning, penetrating deep into your soul, deeper than any person had ever been. And yet if she had truly seen you, if she truly knew you the way you believed in, how could she possibly have turned and walked away from you just like that? If she knew she was holding your heart in her hands, how could she have left you behind?
Still, somehow, it hurt less to see things that way than to believe Emily had never seen you at all, never known you. That you love a phantom, the woman you love doesn’t exist outside your own over active imagination. That the most real relationship you ever had, the person who touched you on levels you never dared to dream, that person didn’t exist. It was meaningless. And you were invisible. You didn’t exist outside of her. Your very survival depended on this-she saw you, she knew you, she loved you. She was gone, where did that leave you? If the Emily you love does not exist, than neither do you.
You had brightly asked Emily that last morning if she wanted coffee. ‘No thanks,’ She told you, looking you straight in the eyes, still smiling at you. She picked up her jacket and walked out. That was it.
Over and over you played that scene in your mind. You looked again and again into her eyes, searching layer upon layer. There must have been something there, something you missed. Her eyes had always spoken to you. Across crowded rooms in the midst of chaos she would look at you and you would see straight into her heart, into her mind. That morning, you looked, and what you thought you saw was love, understanding, peace. There was no hint of sorrow, fear, regret, anything you’d expect to see knowing she was walking away from you, from the team, for good. And it made you wonder, did she really feel nothing as she left that life behind her? Or was it just hidden so deeply along with every other thing she kept from you?
“She never mentioned Australia to you? Ever?” Garcia is still questioning you, although you’re not giving her your full attention. She is trying to piece together the latest piece of information you had discovered from Francesca St James. The sum total of which was this- Emily was in Australia. For a moment you felt peace, finally you knew where Emily was. Until it sunk in just how big the great south land was, how far away from you, how unreachable. Until you stopped to realise that you still had no idea why Emily had gone there, if she was ok, Who is this woman Francesca?
Francesca had been less than forth coming with information, you suspected she knew more, but felt powerless to find out what it was. You would have tried harder though, if Garcia hadn’t pulled you away, afraid of the woman putting in a complaint about the FBI harassing her.
“No.” You answered again. “Emily never mentioned Australia.”
It had been easy enough to confirm Francesca’s story without compromising your job. Emily had boarded a plane to Australia that very morning she walked out of the BAU.
“She used her own name, her own passport. She could have covered her tracks if she didn’t want to be found.” Garcia shares her thoughts with you.
“I suppose she thought no one would bother to look for her. ” You add sadly, wondering if that really was the case. If Emily had just disappeared like that believing you would heed Hotch’s warning, forget her, move on. Did Emily really believe you wouldn’t find her, wouldn’t follow her to the ends of the earth?
Instantly you begin adding up your savings, wondering just how much a ticket to Australia costs, how quickly you can get over there. Garcia thinks you’ve finally snapped and lost your mind.
“Do you know how big that country is? How are you going to find her when you get there? How are you going to pay for it? What about your job? And if you find her, what then JJ? “
And you begin to panic, realising you’ve lost your one ally from the team. Garcia is losing faith in Emily, in you. Its not that you don’t see her point. Why should you toss in your job, spend your savings, fly across the world searching for someone who walked out and left you for dust without a glance. You have no answer for her. Only that you have to do it somehow.
“Maybe….you should just stop and think a minute.” Garcia begins. And you know what’s coming “Is this worth it JJ? Come on we’ve given it our best shot. Emily knows where to find us if she wanted to or needed to.”
“I thought you cared about Emily, I thought you wanted to help me find her.” You say, intentionally hardening your tone, to make it sound like an accusation. As you say it, your voice is filled with every bit of anger, resentment, bitterness that you can muster. And none of it should be aimed in Garcia’s direction.
The look in her eyes cuts right through you, reminding you once again that your attitude is misplaced. Guilt looms over you as you remember the way you had treated Garcia. All because Emily had become front and center in your life, you pushed every one else aside as if they didn’t matter compared to Emily. You nearly lost your best friend in the process. And were still no closer to finding Emily. Garcia doesn’t deserve your anger, and you’ve hurt her enough already. But you’re desperate, can’t she see that? So you stare back, refusing to apologise.
“I care.” Garcia tells you, and she is angry now. “Don’t ever tell me that I don’t care! Do you know how many nights I’ve lost sleep, do you know I’m risking my job to even be here talking about this with you? I care. But I care about you too, JJ. I just don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t understand this, any of this. I don’t know where Emily has gone, or why, and I just don’t want to lose you too.” She is still trying to sound angry, but you can see she is on the verge of tears, and you feel guilty. You don’t know what to say to her. You want to give her what she wants to hear. You can’t.
Garcia’s words echo in your consciousness.
Was this worth it? Was any of this worth it?
It’s what you want to ask Emily too. Was it worth it? Whatever reason you had for doing this to us, was it worth it Emily?
You knew all too well that you seemed crazy to anyone on the outside. Maybe you were just extremely sad and pathetic. Chasing someone who didn’t want you, chasing someone to the other side of the planet who couldn’t be bothered to even say goodbye to you. Was it just that you couldn’t live with the way she had left you this confusion and uncertainty hanging over your head? If she’s come to you or even left you a note saying ‘JJ I’m not interested’ Would you have accepted it? If she’d openly resigned from the BAU, moved on to some other job, would you have smiled and wished her well? Would you have let her go?
Finally you break the awkward silence that had fallen over you. “I understand. If you don’t want to help me anymore, I understand. Thank you for everything you’ve done. But I’m going to Australia. I’m going to find Emily. Don’t try and stop me. You can’t.”
“Do you ever wonder if Emily even wants you to find her, JJ? Maybe she’s just moved on without you.” Garcia suggests, her final attempt to persuade you. You can tell she doesn’t believe it, doesn’t believed Emily has just ‘moved on’, but her words hurt none the less.
“I don’t care what Emily wants.” You answer, bitterly. After the way she left you, shattered the team, why should you care about what she wants. Deep down, in the deepest part of you, you can’t shake the feeling that Emily is in trouble, that she needs you. You can’t make the others understand that. Maybe you are crazy. But you can’t live with yourself if you don’t try, can’t face another day knowing Emily is out there and you hadn’t done everything in your power to find her. Of course the team thought you crazy. But you knew Emily better than they did, you let her down in ways you can never make up to her. You have to do this. You know it.
Garcia nods silently in acknowledgement, and turns and walks away.
Once you’re alone, You think back to the last case you had worked with Emily. Only days before she disappeared. You can’t even remember the details of the case, or the city you found yourself in. The thing that stands out was that you shared a room with Emily that last night before flying home.
It wasn’t an unusual occurrence. You often shared together when required to stay overnight away from home. It was the third, and last, night in that city. The past two nights you had lay awake most of the night. Listening to her breathing, remembering how it felt when she had kissed you. Remembering that you have never desired anyone more than you desired her in that moment. And yet you pulled away.
You couldn’t even understand your own actions, there was no way you could expect her to either. That look in her eyes that briefly flashed across her face broke your heart. And then it had vanished, and in its place had been that fake composed expression ever since that day. Things had been awkward from that point on. But she smiled at you, was polite. You managed to function professionally as part of the same team. And to the team it may have seemed nothing was out of the ordinary. But at nights when the others had turned in to sleep, when the sun had vanished and left you wrapped in familiar darkness, that’s when you felt it. Felt the loss of her as if part of yourself had died. Even though she stood before you, slept only metres away from you, living and breathing, something was missing. You longed for it, grieved for it, almost felt like you would die without it. And yet you made no move to get it back.
The past months, whenever you and Emily shared a room together, you’d formed a habit of sharing a bed, holding one another all night long. It began after a particularly gruesome case, neither of you could sleep. And she came over, took your hand, and before you knew it was lying beside you, wordlessly, pulling you so close you could feel her heart beating. And from that night on, she came each night to your bed. It felt so natural to you, you slept so peacefully. You never engaged in anything other than touching. It was as if she sensed your fear somehow. Your many fears. Apprehension about becoming involved with a colleague, doubts about your own sexuality, and just that simple fear of losing control. Your feelings for her were so strong, it gave her so much power over you. She made you feel like you couldn’t breathe. It was foreign to you. And had she asked more from you at the time, you would have pushed her away.
You grew accustomed to her touch at night, the way she held you gently, the way her fingers caressed your skin softly, the gentle whispers in your ears. You missed her closeness in the daylight hours when you had to keep a professional distance. But ever since the day she had kissed you and you pulled away from her, she had stopped coming to your bed at nights. And you lay awake, colder and more lonely than you had ever felt in your life. You lay there, alone, wondering if she missed having you in her arms as much as you missed her? The intensity of your own desire for her in that moment frightened you.
You knew it was you who had to make the move, after you were the one to reject her when she kissed you. The thought of her rejecting you send chills down your spine. You always thought of yourself as a fairly brave person. She turned you into coward, and you resented her for that. You realise in that moment how afraid she must have been when she kissed you. Afraid of your rejection. Or was she so confident that you would reciprocate that she never felt fear?
Either way, she had kissed you. Pushed aside her own fear and dignity, and followed her heart. You saw it in her eyes that night, that she loved you. But you saw something else too- that she needed you. You’d never felt needed by her before. Not in the way you needed her. It infuriated you that she wanted to be there for you constantly , never allowing you to reciprocate, never letting you in the way you let her in to your life, told her your every secret.
That night, she reached out to you, opened herself up to you. And you slammed the door shut right in her face. And she, she had gone back hiding behind that ridiculous mask she presented to the rest of the world. Pretending you were just friends, just colleagues. Pretending that she didn’t need you, didn’t need anyone. Pretending that you had never touched her life, you were in consequential, unimportant, worthless. And you wondered if that’s how you made her feel by pushing her away when she kissed you.
Night after night you thought about her, dreamed about her, but found yourself paralysed when it came to making a move. The past three days working the case, you spent your every waking moment planning it. And when darkness fell and you were alone in the motel room together, you just couldn’t do it.
You tried to tell yourself it was better that way. Just friends. Things were sort of ok now, she didn’t avoid anymore, she wasn’t uncomfortable working with you. What if you made your move and wrecked all that? Insidious doubts played over and over in your mind. And you wished that just one more time, she would make that move, reach out towards you. She’d always been the one to do it, and you willed her to try one more time. This time I wont hold back Emily, this time I’ll give you every thing i have, just reach out and touch me one more time. You begged her silently with your eyes that night, right before she reached over and turned out the light.
She always turned out the light. She always waited. Silently and under the cover of darkness, before she came to you. As if It was some how permissible in the dark. If you couldn’t see what you were doing, it was breaking no rules. Somehow it was less frightening to need another human being in the dark. She never spoke, ever conscious of the other team members sleeping in the next room. You didn’t need words. Her touch told you everything you needed to know.
On that final night, taking a deep breath, you climbed out of bed after what felt like hours. The cold night air chilled you to the bone and you longed to creep back into bed under the safety of the covers. But you looked over to her, eyes closed, sleeping so peacefully in the moonlight. And you couldn’t turn away from her. She looked so peaceful, something she hadn’t looked in weeks. And you supposed she wasn’t missing you in the slightest if she could sleep so soundly without you by her side. You kneel down beside her, afraid to touch her, to wake her, but needing to be close to her. You can see in the dim moonlight the scar over her forehead from the supposed car accident she had told you about. You reach your fingers to touch it, stopping just before you make contact with her. Long to run your fingers through her hair, stroke her face, whisper in her ear that you’re sorry. But you don’t. You can’t. And you sit, watching her into the early hours of the morning.
~