dear holly
Dear Holly,
I am endlessly, perpetually grateful to have you in my life. Talking to you is very often the highlight of my day; when I have comments from you, I save them for last when I check my mail, like setting aside the best treats. You have been an enormous help to me as a writer; often when I'm writing I will hold things to the Holly Litmus Test before letting them out the door. But you've been a bigger help to my heart, which sounds super gay but by which I just mean that my life is sometimes unpretty and hard for me to get through, but that you give me perspective and hope and something to look forward to. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Thank you. I love you. Four more years. <3
Finally:
Crow Horse had real good senses, and his grandfather-his real grandfather-had taught him about tracking, besides, but sometimes he still missed things coming. Usually these things had to do with Ray, because Ray was a whole set of rules Crow Horse just hadn’t gotten the hang of, yet.
They passed each other in the station parking lot, Crow Horse going to his cruiser and Ray coming from his. Ray looked needled, which didn’t surprise Crow Horse at all, since he’d been on wildfire roadblocks all morning and Ray hated that more than anything. That also explained why Ray drug his feet getting back to dispatch for a new assignment, loitering against the driver’s side door of Crow Horse’s cruiser, talking about nothing much and getting in the way of Crow Horse’s leaving.
“What do you want to do tonight?” Ray asked. “I didn’t plan anything . . .”
And here’s where Crow Horse started to get his something ain’t right here feeling, because it was just Wednesday, which usually wasn’t an occasion that required planning.
He shrugged. “Dunno. Figured we’d have supper, watch some TV, go to bed. Same thing we did last night.”
Ray’s mouth turned sourly, and Crow Horse winced, because he wasn’t sure where his misstep had been, but he was now sure there had been one.
“Right,” Ray said, sharply.
Crow Horse sighed. He was maybe a year into trying to work this Wasi’chu shit out of Ray, and for the most part Ray was doing all right, loosening up and learning to be Indian, but dammit if he wasn’t holding on hard to the passive aggression.
“You have something different in mind?” Crow Horse tried.
“No,” Ray said tightly. “I just thought that you would maybe want to do something different.”
“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me why you thought that.”
Ray ran his tongue along the inside of his mouth, over the curves and sharp edges of his teeth. Walter was learning to read Ray’s oral tics faster than Ray was learning Lakota, and this particular sign meant he was in some deep shit.
He only wished he knew why.
“No,” Ray said finally. “Forget it.”
He abandoned his sentry blocking Crow Horse from his car door, and headed back to the station. Crow Horse was already late, but there was no way to leave this that wouldn’t make it a hundred times worse when he had to come back to it later, so he grabbed Ray by the wrist and reeled him back in.
“Tell me, please, why you’re so pissed.”
Ray sighed, like deflation, some of the anger leaving him to be replaced by regret.
“I’ve been here a year today,” he said. “It’s stupid, but it felt like a big deal to me. I was hoping it might be a big deal to you, but clearly it isn’t.”
He tugged at Crow Horse’s grasp until Crow Horse let him have his arm back.
“Shit, Ray,” Crow Horse said. “I mean-’course I’m glad you’re here, I’m glad you stayed, but I don’t-it’s not like I been keeping track-I-look, I’m-most men aren’t good with dates and things-”
That was absolutely the wrong thing to say, and Crow Horse knew it as soon as it hit the air, and Ray’s expression changed to one like he’d been hit.
“Most men,” he said. “Men.”
Crow Horse sighed. “Come on, kola, you know I didn’t mean-”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Ray said. “I’m the only one who cares about things like anniversaries and dates, and-tell me. How is it we’re two men in a sexual relationship, and only one of us is gay?”
Normally Crow Horse wouldn’t waste a gorgeous setup like that, but Ray seemed pretty worked up, so Crow Horse let it go.
“Did I ever tell you what I traded Grampa for your Raybans?” he asked instead.
“No. Was it two rocks? If so, you overpaid.”
Crow Horse ignored him. “So, little after you felt me up at Leo’s dump site-”
“I did not feel you up. I frisked you; I was doing my job-”
“-after you felt me up at Leo’s dump site, I heard Grampa wanted to see me, so I drove up there. Grampa tells me he saw this Indian FBI at the inipi, and that he wants to talk to him. That he’s trusting me to bring him. I tell him, sure, if that’s what you want, I’ll do it, but that I seen this so-called Sioux, and I can tell he’s just a PR Indian.”
The corners of Ray’s mouth crimped, and he lowered his eyes. Crow Horse went on.
“Yeah, that’s the other thing, Grampa says. Maybe he don’t look like much, but Walter, you’re quick to judge, and this boy comes from brave people, and besides that he’s come to help this place, so you need to look after him. Problem is, nobody’s taught him how to be Indian, so I need you to look after him, and I need you to help him start thinking Sioux.”
Ray looked up. “Grampa asked you to give me Indian lessons?”
“Sure he did. And of course I said I would, because it’s Grampa, but then I said, you know, this is gonna be a big job. ’Course I don’t mind doing it, but so long as we’re teaching this kid some things, might as well teach him to be on his toes, not be so trusting. Anyway, I tell Grampa, I seen him already and he’s got a real nice pair of shades. And Grampa laughs, and he says sure, he’ll help me set you up.”
Ray jaw dropped. “That whole ‘Indian barter’ thing was your idea?”
“Yup.”
“And this is supposed to make me feel better, how?”
Crow Horse slipped the Raybans out of his pocket. “Didn’t say it was ’sposed to make you feel better. Just said it was. Grampa gave me the glasses for looking after you, teaching you Sioux things. ’Course, it wasn’t exactly payment enough for what the job entailed. And I woulda done it for free.” He held the Raybans out to Ray. “Here. You can have them back.”
Ray looked at the sunglasses, his reflection distorted in the high gloss of the lenses. He kept his hands by his sides.
“You keep them,” Ray said. “You’ve earned them.”
Crow Horse smiled and put the glasses back in his pocket. “I would have done it for free, you know.”
Ray smiled. He closed the distance between them, and circled his hands around Walter’s waist, pulled him forward until there wasn’t an inch between them. He kissed him.
“Yeah, I know.”
Walter put his arms around Ray, held him close. He kissed him again.
“I’m still gonna have to take you out tonight, aren’t I?”
“You bet your ass.”