FIC: The Holy Grail (Thunderheart arranged marriage AU, Ray Levoi/Walter Crow Horse, R)
Ray's got a secret, and it's that more than anything that has him agreeing to let his parents arrange a marriage for him. He's expecting a husband, but somehow Walter Crow Horse surprises the hell out of him.
CHAPTER ONE
Ray shined his shoes. He put on a good pair of slacks and the button down that made his eyes look the bluest, and he went to meet the matchmaker. His parents had made the appointment (months ago; she was supposed to be the best in the city), but he told them he was fine going by himself. He was early, and he waited for a while in the small room with pictures of happy couples lining every wall before she called him back.
The matchmaker was older but still beautiful. She poured Ray a cup of tea, which he didn't actually like but took politely, and sat across from him.
“Raymond,” she said.
“Yes, ma'am.”
“I'm going to ask you some questions, many of them personal in nature. Your answers are confidential. Please be honest; every question will help me find your best match.”
“Okay.”
“You want to be matched to a husband, not a wife, correct?”
“Yes.” It had been a miracle that his father had agreed, but he finally had. It was that decision that had started Ray's journey here, after years of fighting against it.
The matchmaker nodded. “What kind of things do you want in a husband?”
“Kindness. Patience. I-I need someone grounded who can keep me from… from flying too close to the sun, I guess. But I also want someone who can keep up with me, someone I can talk to. I… I want to fall in love. I know that doesn't always happen, and I'm okay if it's just… if it's only companionship, but I'm open to falling in love.”
“Good. Do you have any physical characteristics you like? Tall, dark hair, anything like that?”
“No,” he said. “I don't really have a type.”
“Do you have much experience with men physically?”
He blushed. “No,” he said softly. “I don't have much experience, period.”
“You're young,” she said. “And many men prefer an inexperienced partner, don't worry. Do you want children?”
“Maybe in the future. Not right away.”
“So you wouldn't want a match who already has children?”
He felt bad saying it, but it was important to be honest. “No.”
“What about someone who's divorced or widowed?”
“That doesn't really matter to me.”
“Did you bring a letter?” she asked. “Some pictures?”
He held the envelope tightly. His mother had picked out the pictures: a baby picture, one from his college baseball days, and a more recent shot. That wasn't the problem. He had taken weeks to write his letter, and it had been hard going every second, and he still wasn't happy with it. The idea of his potential future husband judging him by it was terrifying.
“Raymond.”
He blushed. “Sorry,” he muttered, and handed over the envelope. There. Things were literally in the matchmaker's hands now. She thumbed through the photographs, nodded appreciatively.
“I'll be in touch,” she said.
***
Dear Future Husband,
I'm excited to meet you. I have given a lot of thought to this, and I am sure that I am ready to be married. My mother married for love, but my biological father died when I was a child. Her next marriage was arranged, and she and my stepfather are a good match, and he has taken good care of me, so when they offered to arrange a marriage for me, I considered it seriously, and finally decided to accept their help.
I know the matchmaker will give you all the pertinent details of my biography, but I wanted to describe myself for you, so you know what you're getting into. I work in law enforcement. I went to college on a baseball scholarship, but wrecked my knee and ended up at the FBI instead of in the big leagues. I've spent most of my career working undercover, but I don't do that anymore. I like to run and I like movie theater popcorn, and I close my eyes when I'm being kissed. My favorite holiday is the Fourth of July. I was born on the first day of summer, and my grandmother used to say that I'm most alive then. Maybe it's a silly detail, but I feel like it explains a few things about me.
It's been hard for me to describe the type of man I want as a husband. I don't have desires so much as I have hopes.
I hope you are interested in a partnership and open to falling in love. I hope you are kind and patient. I hope you are passionate about something, and that you're moral and loyal. I try to be all of these things, though patience is still a work in progress for me.
I can't wait to meet you.
Yours,
Ray Levoi
P.S. I hope you like dogs, or at least can tolerate one on your sofa. His name is Jimmy.
***
A couple weeks later, Ray shepherded Jimmy in the house and unclipped his leash. His parents came up to meet them, smiling.
“The matchmaker called!” his mother said. “She thinks she has a match for you.”
“Really?” Ray asked. “I thought it would take longer.”
“Cold feet?” his father asked.
“No, sir.”
“We're going to speak with her after dinner,” his father said. “Just your mother and I.”
Ray spent the time they were away discussing his future attempting unsuccessfully to watch television, Jimmy at his feet. He was glad not to be involved in this part, he was. It was just that he sometimes had trouble letting others take the wheel. He trusted his parents to have his best interests in mind, and they trusted the matchmaker, so… so he just needed to relax and trust the matchmaker.
At least this meant one thing: someone didwant him.
Jimmy's ears pricked up, and a moment later Ray heard his parents’ car, too. He was on his feet in seconds, then forced himself to linger by the couch lest he look too eager.
“He sounds like a good match,” Ray's father said.
His mother was smiling. “I think so, too. She said she had someone in mind for you the minute she met you, and she talked to him, gave him your letter, and he wants to offer a proposal.”
She took something out of her purse. “He wrote you a letter back,” she said, and handed it to him. “Read it and let us know what you think.”
Ray took the letter from the envelope and unfolded it slowly. Every move felt like it took too much gravity.
Dear Ray,
I was excited when the matchmaker told me about you, and I liked your pictures, but your letter really sold me. I can tell it came from the heart, and more than anything I want someone honest and brave.
I work in law enforcement, too. I'm the sheriff of a small desert community a few hours outside the city. It's a lot different than you're used to, I bet, but I could use a good man on board at the station, as well as in my life. I have my own land here, and a little place. You'd have your own room and your own space, and of course you could bring Jimmy. There's lots of land for him to run, and jackrabbits for him to chase.
I've got almost ten years on you, so maybe you want to look elsewhere for a husband, but I've got all the patience you need, and I've got my feet firmly on the ground. It would be my genuine pleasure to spend the rest of my life as a tether for you. I can't promise you love-if that happens, it'd be icing on the cake, but that's something out of our hands-but I promise to always be loyal. And no matter what happens, I'll be good to you.
Looking forward to hearing from your camp.
Yours,
Walter Crow Horse
Ray folded the letter back up, and he carefully slipped it back in the envelope.
“Tell him yes,” he said.
CHAPTER TWO
They decided on a simple ceremony at city hall. They decided, too, that the grooms would meet there for the first time. Nothing to complicate matters.
Ray pressed his best dress shirt, and put on his best summer weight suit. It was light grey, and he'd only worn it a few times since buying it for his cousin's wedding the previous year. His skin got dark in the summer, and the pale fabric made him look darker. He combed his hair and regretted not getting a haircut the day before. Everything had just happened so fast.
Ray's parents took him to city hall. It was a Friday and busy, lots of people with lots of different business. Every time someone new came in, Ray wondered if that was Walter. He wished he had a picture, instead of just a name. It wasn't a shallow thought; it was hard to imagine one's future without the face of the man you'd be sharing it with.
“Relax, sweetheart,” his mother said.
“I'm okay,” he said, unsure if it was a lie.
He checked his watch. Walter was late. Maybe he'd changed his mind. Maybe he didn't want him, after all.
“Ray?”
He looked up, and took in a sharp breath. Standing before him was a gorgeous, dark-skinned man with long, black hair tightly wound into two braids. He was wearing a suit too heavy and dark for the season, but he looked very nice. Ray's mouth went dry.
“Sorry I'm late,” the man said. “I went to 7225 Park, not 7525. Ended up at a Chinese restaurant.”
Ray stood to greet him. “I, um, that's okay. You-you're-”
“Walter Crow Horse,” he said, and extended a hand for Ray to shake.
He found the handshake firm and warm, and the way Walter's dark eyes held him-shit, he was blushing.
“I'm Ray.”
“Yeah, I guessed that. Geez, you look young. You sure you're old enough to be doing this?”
“Wanna see my ID?”
Walter laughed. “I'll take your word for it.” He shook Ray's father's hand, and let his hand rest for a moment on Ray's mother's wrist as he said his pleased to meet yous. He introduced his parents, then pulled something from the inside pocket of his jacket. It was a single white rose. He looked at Ray. “May I?”
“Please.”
Ray watched breathlessly as Walter slipped the rose's stem into the buttonhole of his lapel. They were so close now. Ray could smell the warm spice note of Walter's cologne, could pick out the few silver strands running through his dark hair.
“There,” Walter said, and smiled. “You ready to do this?”
He offered his hand. Ray took it.
“Yes,” he said.
It was quick. They signed the marriage license, said their I dos. Then the kiss. Ray had forgotten about the kiss. Walter grinned at him, then fit Ray's jaw into his palm. Ray closed his eyes, and felt Walter's lips press against his own. It was a chaste kiss, but Ray felt himself flush anyway. It was over too soon, and Ray was surprised and happy to find that he wanted more.
***
Ray's things were packed, and Walter supervised loading them into the trailer he'd rented. Ray got Jimmy and hugged his mother. She kissed his cheek.
“I'm so happy for you, darling. Don't be afraid to call us if you need anything.” Ray didn't say anything. Everything was going so fast. She hugged him again. “This is going to be good, sweetheart. You'll always have someone, and he'll look after you.”
The trailer was loaded. Walter nodded to his truck.
“We got a hundred miles between us and home,” he said. “We best hit it.”
Home. Home had a new definition now. Walter and his folks piled in the truck. They waited until Ray had Jimmy in his car, and then they started the journey home, Ray following. He waved as they drove away.
***
It was dusk by the time they hit the desert. The lights and varied skyscraper landscape of the city gradually have way to flat, dry earth on all sides. At around eight they passed a busted metal sign that said BEAR CREEK, signaling their journey was almost over.
Ray turned his lights on, and Jimmy whined until Ray rolled his window down. He stuck his head out, sniffing fervently at all the new smells.
They passed through a village of small houses, all one story and poor. There were children running and screaming as they weaved through the trash and dead cars in the yards. Adults stood in clumps on the porches, or wandered into the street with no warning or care for the vehicles passing. Ray saw a couple of mixed breed strays running in the background. Jimmy didn't seem to mind the commotion, but Ray found himself wondering what kind of place this was.
The village faded away to the bare desert landscape again, and it was another fifteen minutes until they pulled up to a ranch house with a long porch. There was a motorcycle parked out front in the gravel drive, and the yard was neat and free of trash. Ray waited while Walter backed the truck and the trailer up the drive, and then he pulled in on the far side.
He got out of the car, and opened Jimmy's door. He went racing to the yard, nose to the ground as he took in all the new smells. Ray stretched; his bad knee ached a bit. It was a long drive. He took in the house. It was wood paneled and had been stained instead of painted, so the whole thing was the natural red of the bare wood. There were some tall pine trees framing the yard, and the house looked like it belonged there, nestled among them.
Walter was on the porch, unlocking the door.
“Come here,” he said to Ray. “I'll show you around before we start hauling your stuff in.”
The inside of the house was the same bare, red wood as the outside, the walls and the floor. The architecture was open, and Ray could see a living room to his left, the kitchen to his right, and bedrooms in the back. The furniture was old but well cared for, and there were pictures and a few other things mounted on the walls. Everything was neat, uncluttered.
Walter narrated as they passed through. “Kitchen, family room. This first bedroom's mine; I got two guestrooms. Well, one now; that second door there'll be your room. It's the one with the bathroom attached. Come on through to my room, I want to show you something.”
The furniture in Walter's room was the best in the house. A big bed with carved wooden head and footboards, a low desk on the right, a large dresser on the left. They were all old enough to be antiques, but lovingly cared for. Ray's thigh brushed the bed as he followed Walter through the room, and he felt his cheeks heat a bit. It wouldn't be right away, but he was going to end up sharing that bed with Walter.
There was a door in the back of the room past all the furniture. Walter undid the lock and opened it up, and Ray followed him out onto another porch. This one had a hanging bench swing that'd sit two, and stairs that led out into-wow. Miles of prairie, and stretching out above, the night sky, filled with more stars than Ray had seen in his life.
“Walter,” he said breathlessly. “This is amazing.”
He grinned. “Pretty good view, huh? I got twenty acres back there. We can put up some fencing if you want, for the dog.”
“It's beautiful,” he said. “Thank you for showing me.”
Walter nodded. “You're welcome. Ready to move your stuff? It ain't too much, else I'd call some people to help. I figure we can handle it.”
“Yeah. I think we can.”
“Good man. Let's get going.”
It took less than an hour of the two of them walking back and forth carrying boxes. Ray stood in his new room surrounded by everything he owned, summed up in so many feet of cardboard. The room was plain, with nothing more than a bed, a night table with a little lamp, and a small dresser. It would be up to him to personalize it when he unpacked, but right now it felt alien and small.
Jimmy jumped up on the foot of the bed. Ray sat beside him, running his hand through his soft, dense fur.
“Think that's everything,” Walter said. “In the morning we'll return the trailer, and I'll take you to the general store to pick up some groceries. I didn't know what you liked to eat, but you're welcome to anything you find in the kitchen.”
“Thanks.”
Walter nodded. He looked around the room at the stacks of boxes, then looked at Ray for a long minute.
“You okay?” he asked. “You need anything?”
Ray shook his head and forced a smile. “No. Thank you.”
Walter nodded again in a slow way. “It's been a long day. Think I'll hit the hay. I'm just right next door if you need anything, okay?”
“Thanks.”
“All right. You sleep tight, now.”
He left Ray alone, shut in this strange room by himself. He found his suitcase and unpacked his toiletries into the attached bathroom, just as bare and impersonal as the bedroom. He brushed his teeth and washed his face, changed into pajamas. Ray got into bed, pulling the strange linens over himself. He turned off the light, and tried to steady his breathing. It didn't work. He cried himself to sleep.
CHAPTER THREE
Ray slept fitfully, and woke early. He turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling, keenly aware of his location. Day One with his new husband in his new home.
He showered and dressed, then took Jimmy outside. When they came back in, Ray heard Walter puttering about the kitchen.
“Hey,” he said. He was still in his pajamas, still sleep creased. “You drink coffee?”
“Yeah.”
“How do you take it?”
“With milk.”
He frowned. “I don't do too good with dairy; I don't have any milk. We'll pick you some up today. You still want a cup?”
“Yes. Black's fine.”
Walter poured Ray's coffee while he fed Jimmy. Their fingers brushed, and Ray felt a tingle run through his chest.
Walter eyed the dog. “You know that thing's got the wrong number of legs?”
Ray laughed. “Yeah. I don't know what happened to the one he's missing, though; I found him as a stray, and he was already without it.”
“I've never had a pet before. Well, I had a frog for about two hours until my ma found out.”
Ray laughed. He scratched Jimmy between the ears. “He's my first. I didn't think my dad would let me keep him, but he just wouldn't leave. He followed me around everywhere.”
“He decided you were the one for him,” Walter said. “I understand that.”
Ray blushed, and smiled ear to ear.
***
Ray sat next to Walter on the truck's bench seat as they returned the trailer and drove to the general store. He watched the village in the daylight this time, and while it still troubled him, he saw some things he’d missed in the dark. Window boxes full of brightly colored flowers. A little schoolhouse. A clinic with a mural of a sunset on the side.
The general store was different than the suburban supermarkets Ray was used to. There weren't varieties available in much; there was one kind of bread and one kind of lettuce and one kind of laundry soap. Ray filled up their cart carefully. Walter paid attention to what he was buying, which was nice. He wanted to know how Ray took his coffee, and he wanted to know what he liked to eat.
Walter wheeled the cart up to the register, where he was greeted brightly by the man behind the counter.
“Hey there, Walter,” he said.” How the hell are ya? Who you got here?”
“I couldn't be finer,” Walter said. “I got married yesterday! This here's my new husband, Ray Levoi. Ray, this is Lester Two Bulls. We've known each other all our lives.”
Ray shook his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Well, he's a polite young thing,” Lester said. “I'm glad that matchmaker finally worked out for you.”
“How long did you wait for the matchmaker?” Ray asked when they were back in the truck.
“Two years.”
“You waited two years for me?” Ray asked softly.
“Sure did,” Walter said. “Would again.”
***
Ray started work at the Bear Creek sheriff's office the next day. He was young, but he'd been FBI, so Walter made him a deputy straight away and told him he'd be helping George with any major crimes cases they got, which weren't many. There was a cruiser for him, and an office, and he was surprised how touched he was by the latter. Undercover agents worked in the field, not offices, so he'd never had one.
It was different work from anything he'd been trained for. He wrote speeding tickets and investigated break-ins and delivered teenage delinquents to their parents. If he'd been doing it alone, he probably would have hated it. But he wasn't.
He rode in with Walter at the beginning of the day, and he rode home with him when his shift was over. When he came in in the morning, he would check with Susie or Tom, whoever was working dispatch, and see if there were any open calls. He and George consulted on cases that benefited from two heads, and the greener officers soon started coming to him for advice on their cases.
And Walter. It was slow at first, but then became more and more frequent: Walter came to him, too, not asking for advice but for his opinion. What he thought about a forensics report, or did he think Danny was ready to be a full-time deputy. Ray found he liked working with Walter best of all, even if they were just minding a speed trap.
Things were going smoothly at home, too. Ray was learning to cook the things Walter liked to eat, and Walter was learning to cook the things he liked to eat. They were learning each other’s rhythms; Ray would get up before Walter every morning and go for a run or just sit at the kitchen table reading the paper. They both showered in the morning, but since Ray got up first, he would make sure to shower first. They ate every meal together, even if it was just lunch over their desks between calls. In the evenings after supper, they would watch television. Ray wasn’t very good at sitting still for too long if he wasn’t working, but he liked sitting with Walter on the couch in front of the television. Walter liked to watch basketball and old westerns, and Ray didn’t really care for either, but he liked to sit thigh-to-thigh with Walter on the couch and listen to him talk about whatever it was they had on.
Then one day they were cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, and Ray had a thought just fall into his head, like God had dropped it for him. Walter washed the dishes and he dried, and when they were done, Ray took a step toward Walter, moving him back so his back was against the counter, and he rested his hands around his hips, and he kissed him. Walter kissed him back, hesitantly at first like he was gauging Ray’s interest, and then more insistently. Ray parted his mouth for Walter’s tongue, and they kissed deep.
They broke for air, and each found the other was flushed and laughing. Walter slung his arm around Ray’s waist and pulled him in, kissed him again.
“How about that,” he said.
CHAPTER FOUR
One night, Ray woke screaming. It took a minute for him to realize that it wasn't real, it was just a dream, and by that time, Walter was knocking on his door asking if he was okay, could he come in.
“Okay,” Ray said. He flinched when he heard how raw his own voice was.
Walter came in. Ray sat up and turned on the lamp on the bedside table. A headache pounded at his temples, and his heart was racing. He scrubbed a hand across his face.
“I'm sorry I woke you up,” he said.
Walter came over to him. “Are you okay?”
“It was just a nightmare. I'm sorry.”
“Don't be sorry; it's nothing you could help. You didn't answer my question: Are you okay?”
Ray was quiet for a moment. He wanted to lie, but it was important to him that he be honest with Walter. About everything.
“No,” he said.
Walter nodded. “You've seen some stuff, haven't you? You left undercover work for a reason.”
“Yes,” Ray said in the biggest voice he could conjure, which was barely a whisper.
“You don't have to tell me about it right now. Don't tell me until you're ready.” He looked at him with such concern that Ray's chest ached. “Would it help if I stayed?”
“Yes,” Ray said. “Please.”
He scooted over, gave Walter one of his pillows. Walter lay down beside him.
“Can you stand to have the light off?”
“I think so.”
Walter switched off the lamp. He pulled up their covers. They lay facing each other in the dark, inches apart. Ray could smell Walter's cologne and feel the warmth coming off him.
“Is this okay?” he asked.
Ray nodded.
“Good,” Walter said. “Get some sleep. I'll stay here all night, don't you worry.”
Ray closed his eyes. He listened to the sound of Walter breathing, synced up his own breaths. In, out. In, out.
All night long.
***
When Ray woke again, he woke easy. He still had a throbbing headache, but he wasn't sweating, and he wasn't scared. Walter was still lying next to him; he was awake, and watching him.
“Good morning. Feel better?”
“Yeah. Thank you for… for being here.”
“You're welcome. Want some breakfast? I'll make you some eggs. How do you like them?”
“Scrambled.”
“You got it.”
***
After that, they slept together. The night after the nightmare, Ray got ready for bed, and he looked at his bed for a long time before walking to the room next door. Walter was making down the bed, and he'd left the door open, so Ray knocked on the doorframe. Walter looked up.
“Hey,” he said. “You need something?”
“I was wondering… well, I was thinking maybe, if it's okay with you, I could sleep in here. With you.”
Walter smiled. “Sure, Ray.”
“I mean… maybe… maybe not just tonight. Maybe from now on.”
“I'd like that, Ray.”
Walter slept on the right side of the bed, which worked out because Ray liked the left. They got into bed together, that night and every night after.
***
For a long while, all they did in bed was sleep. Ray got braver about kissing his husband, and soon they were practicing every chance they got, but Ray still felt more nervous than excited about sex. One evening they started kissing on the couch, and Ray was really enjoying himself until Walter started unbuttoning his fly. He froze.
“You okay?” Walter asked.
“I'm not… I don't think I'm ready.”
“Okay,” Walter said. He moved his hands up above the equator.
“I'm sorry,” Ray said miserably.
“Shit, don't be sorry for telling me what you do and do not want to do. Never be sorry for that.”
“But I keep making you wait.”
“Lemme ask you something,” Walter said. “Just be honest with me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Do you think about us having sex?”
Ray blushed. “Yes.”
“What do you think about us doing?”
“I… I think about you taking me to our bed. I think about us undressing each other, and… and I think about you inside of me.”
“All right. We're gonna get there, okay, but only when you're ready.”
Ray's cheeks burned. “I don't want to be a tease.”
“You're not. I'm enjoying everything we're doing, and I think you're enjoying it, too. Right?”
“I am.”
“Good. I'm glad to hear that, Ray. Now, listen. What I don't want, what I never want, is to do anything you don't want to do. For whatever reason. This is a partnership. We both get to be happy, and we both get to put on the brakes if for any reason we're nothappy.”
Ray's voice came out small, and he hated himself for it. “I never really thought of it that way. I thought that once I got married, sex was something…”
“Expected of you?”
“That I owed you.”
Walter shook his head. “No. Never. Not for any reason.”
“Thank you for being patient with me.”
“I told you, Ray, I got all the patience you need. Moreover, you are worth waiting for.” He kissed him, soft and slow. “You still enjoying this, or you wanna call it a night?”
“I'm still enjoying it.”
“Well, all right, then,” Walter said, and went right on kissing him.
***
Ray had another nightmare, and woke up crying. Walter sat up next to him, turned on the light. Ray bent over, face in his hands, trying to breathe, but he felt like he was choking. Nothing was wrong, it wasn't real… except it was. Those things had happened, and they kept happening, replaying in his head...
Walter was petting his back, saying slowly over and over again, “You're all right. I'm here. You're safe.”
Ray swallowed thickly. The tears had mostly stopped, and he was getting air better.
“Do you want to know why I quit working undercover?” he asked.
“Sure, Ray. If you're ready to tell me.”
Ray stared at his hands. “I was made. That means they found out I was FBI, that I wasn't who I said I was. They teach you, when you're learning how to work deep cover, that you never break character for any reason ever. If someone accuses you of not being who you say you are, you just play your part harder. I never told anyone anything different. I found out later that someone at the Bureau was having an affair with a girl whose family was in the Mob-it was a Mob case-and that he told her they had a mole.”
“What happened?”
“They took me. They came into the place where I was staying while I was sleeping… I woke up with a gun in my face. They put a bag over my head and drove me out to this warehouse in the middle of nowhere, tied me to a chair, asked me questions.”
He chanced a look at Walter. He was watching him with a concerned expression.
“I lied, right?” he continued. “I played my cover. It didn't take very long for them to lose patience with me. First they beat me. Then they tortured me. Four days, four nights.”
“Jesus. How'd you get away? The FBI come find you?”
Ray took a deep breath. “No,” he said slowly. “You don't check in very often when you're deep cover. It's a risk. I knew no one would be looking for me, not for a long time. And by that time, I would be dead. There was a loose screw on the chair they'd tied me to. I had to work at it for a while, but eventually I cut my arm on it enough that the blood… it made my skin slick enough that I could slip out of the restraints. I did it when there was only one of them there watching me.”
“But that was still one guy. How'd you get by him?”
Ray bit his tongue until he tasted copper, then he forced himself to stop. He dug his nails into his palms, then forced himself to stop that, telling himself he wasn't sick, only sick people hurt themselves on purpose.
“I didn't,” he said. “I surprised him enough to grab one of the tools they'd been working on me with. It was long, and sharp, and I killed him with it.”
He looked at Walter. He looked drawn, and Ray started to cry again, hearing the familiar refrain in his head: He doesn't want you. No one will want you. You're a murderer, you're a monster, NO ONE will want you-
He waited for Walter to kick him out, for him to yell, or maybe hit him. But he didn't. He was still for a minute, and then he wrapped his arms around Ray, pulled him close.
“It's okay,” he said. “You're okay. You're safe. I'm here. It's over, and you're safe.”
Ray cried harder, and Walter held him until he stopped.
***
“You know,” Walter said one day, “we been working hard for weeks. I think we could use a little R and R.”
“What did you have in mind?”
“Date night, honey. I’m gonna romance the pants off you.” He paused. The corner of his mouth quirked up in a wry smile. “With your permission, of course.”
The work week didn’t let up any, and they went to bed Friday night plumb exhausted. Saturday morning Walter let Ray sleep in while he went to the store for date night supplies.
Ray found he was nervous, but in a pleasant way. Walter began fooling around in the kitchen, and Ray took a shower and dressed carefully in good slacks and his blue button down, the same outfit he’d worn for the matchmaker. He looked at himself in the mirror, breathed out slowly.
“Tonight’s the night,” he said.
He walked into the kitchen, where Walter was tending to something in the oven. He caught a look at Ray and frowned.
“I was gonna make you date night here,” he said. “There’s not really anywhere fancy to go within a hundred miles.”
Ray smiled. “I know. You’ve been preparing all day. I dressed up for you, not some place.”
Walter grinned. “All right, then.”
They ate. Walter insisted on doing everything short of actually feeding Ray the pot roast, and Ray was suitably charmed. After dinner, he hung around by the counter while Walter did the dishes. Once he was finished, Ray gathered up his courage.
“Walter,” he said softly. “There’s something I want to tell you.”
Walter gave him all his attention. “Okay.”
“I … shit, I had this whole speech memorized, and I’ve forgotten it.”
“Why don’t you give me the gist?”
Ray nodded. “I want you to take me to bed.”
Walter smiled hugely, then took a moment to school his expression into something gentler. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I want it. I want you.”
“I want you, too. But if at any point you want to stop, you tell me, and we can. No matter how far along we are, okay? Promise me.”
Ray nodded. “I promise.”
Walter took his hand, and they walked to the bedroom. They undressed each other slowly. Ray let Walter press him down to the bed beneath him, open and waiting and bare. Walter kissed him deep, touched him gently, reverently, as if he was something precious. There were scars on Ray’s legs and torso from when he’d been taken, but Walter didn’t say anything, just kissed along them like they were something beautiful. Walter’s long, black hair was loose and trailed over Ray’s skin as Walter kissed him, tickling and tantalizing. Ray’s breaths were growing shallow, and he felt a ticklish sort of desperation. Just then Walter palmed his aching erection; Ray thrust up against his hand, and Walter whispered, “Relax, sweetheart,” and Ray tried, taking in a long, slow breath and then releasing it as slowly as he could.
“I’m gonna make you feel real good, baby,” Walter said, and a whine tore itself from Ray’s throat, surprising the hell out of him. “Easy,” Walter said. “Easy. I’ve got you.”
If Ray was safe anywhere, it was here. He trusted Walter, down to his bones trusted him. Ray closed his eyes as Walter took him into his mouth. He tried to relax, and he tried to be patient, but he wasn’t good at either, and soon he was moaning, his hands clawing at the bedclothes to keep himself from pulling on Walter’s hair.
“Come for me, sweetheart,” Walter said, and then slipped his mouth back over Ray’s sex, and that was it: Ray came, pushing against the wet heat, crying out.
His heart pounded. Walter came up over him again, brushing Ray’s hair from his forehead, pressing a kiss there. Ray looked up at him, lost himself in those dark eyes.
“I’ve got you,” Walter said again. He shifted over Ray, parting his legs. “You sure you want this?”
Ray had never been more sure of anything. “Yes,” he breathed.
Walter leaned over him to get to the drawer of the bedside table. Ray closed his eyes, heard the cap snap on and off, felt Walter’s cool, slick fingers inside him. He angled his hips up as Walter pushed inside him, exhaled. Opened his eyes to watch Walter looking down at him, looking at him like he was the Holy Grail. Some knights had spent their whole lives looking for it, and how was it that they’d found each other just by chance? Walter held onto Ray and Ray held onto him as he moved slowly inside him. Walter kissed him, asked softly, “Is this good for you, baby?”
“Yes, yes, yes.”
This didn’t feel like anything Ray had experienced before. He felt small but protected, like a half-sleeping child pulled up into his parents arms and carried to bed. He felt waves of pleasure lap slowly at every cell of his body, felt every moment of the universe crystallized into this one time and place.
He said it without even thinking it: “I love you.”
“I love you, too, Ray,” Walter whispered, and they rocked together.
***
Some time later, Ray stood on the back porch. He had gone out there to let Jimmy into the yard, but got caught up looking at the blanket of stars in the sky. He heard the door open again, and then felt Walter wrap his arms around him from behind. Ray smiled, and relaxed into the embrace.
“Pretty night tonight,” Walter said. “You about ready to come in?”
“I'm not in a hurry.”
They stayed like that in silence for a long moment, just enjoying each other. Ray felt more relaxed than he ever had in his life.
“Hey, Walter,” he said.
“Yeah?”
“I'm really glad we fell in love.”
Walter pressed a kiss to his cheekbone. “Me too, honey.”
They stayed there for the longest time before going in and going to bed together. Later Ray's mother sent a picture of the two of them to the matchmaker, who hung it up in her waiting room: another success story to show nervous brides- and husbands-to-be.
END.