Fic: The ABC of Limp!Sam (19/26)
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Title: The ABC of limp!Sam
Author: Lonnie
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Characters: Sam & Dean, Ruby
Summary: All kinds of limp!Sam. In fact, the whole alphabet!
Disclaimer: I do not own Sam or Dean or anything Supernatural sadly :/ The ideas for this ABC fic is thanks to everyone over at limp-sam.com's forum! If it's done before, then sorry, but there's a lot of fics out there and this is just simply my version XD
Beta Reader: Ravanne
Masterpost
Fanfiction.net Link: ABC of limp!Sam
Comments are very much wanted!! =)
Chapter 19: S - Suicidal
- Alt. ending to "When the Levee Breaks" and "Lucifer Rising"
Sam was shaking where he sat, his thoughts tumbling over each other, not making any sense. He’d bitten his nails until they bled. Running his hands through his hair anxiously, his eyes ran all over the honeymoon suite. Ruby said she was coming, but it felt as if hours had passed since he’d spoken with her. He pressed his eyes closed, pressing his face into his hands.
"God," he sobbed, tears running down his cheeks. He couldn't take it. He was sweaty, tired and felt so pathetically needy, but he couldn't ask anyone for help. He didn't deserve anybody's help, even if he’d known what help he needed. He don't know how long he sat on the couch waiting helplessly for Ruby to appear. His body tensed and he jumped to his feet. Sam paced about the room, feeling like a caged animal. He struggled not to let his frustration drive him to start trashing the room, his control hanging by a thread. He didn't dare draw attention to himself. His phone had been ringing so often he was starting to think it was going to drive him even more insane. Then when the ringing stopped, he wondered if the silence was worse.
Somewhere along the way Sam fell asleep on the couch. His long legs hung over the side, one arm flung over his head while his other rested across his chest. It was late in the evening when he woke up again and there was still no sign of Ruby. He sat up quietly, just sitting in the dark room and trying to ignore the whispering voices in his head. Deciding that Ruby wasn't coming, he stood up and rummaged through his duffle bag, finding his largest hunting knife. Biting his lip, Sam knew that he’d run out of options. Steeling himself for what he knew needed to be done, he walked into the bathroom, carrying his knife with him.
He went over to the large bathtub, designed to fit two honeymooners and turned on the water, running it as hot as he could stand. As the oversized tub slowly filled, Sam turned to the mirror over the marble sink and took a long and hard look at himself. He felt pent up rage burn in his chest seeing what he’d reduced himself to. His eyes were bloodshot, and his skin look so pale and pasty, his oily hair hanging limply about his drawn face.
He broke the eye contact with his reflection and looked down at the blade in his hand. He carefully placed it down on the vanity before clumsily pulling off his sweat stained shirt and threw it across the large bathroom. He turned around a little and saw for the first time the deep purple bruises on his back and ribs. Fake-Dean had told him in the panic room that the demon blood had tossed him around the room and apparently that had been the truth. Sam looked as if he’d been dragged over five miles of rough country road.
Sam forced his thoughts to the matter at hand. He knew what he needed to do and dawdling wouldn’t make it any easier. He picked up the knife in the sink and pressed it to his throat, closing his eyes and steeling himself. He felt the cold blade on his skin and tracked it carefully along his neck, the tip of the knife tracing down the line of his jugular and breaking the skin. After all these months hunting down Lilith he never thought it would come to this. He hadn't expected to come out of this alive, but he never in his darkest nightmares thought he’d be reduced to this pitiful state. He had betrayed his brother and for what? A demon bitch that used him and clearly doesn't even give a shit about him?
He bit his lip, barely holding back the sobs that threatened to break free and opened his eyes. The long cut he had made on this neck and throat hurt, but it wasn't something that would kill him. It was deep enough to bleed a lot though and the blood ran down his chest and Sam followed it with his eyes in the reflection in the mirror. He knew that he had to finish the job. All he needed to do was climb into tub and deepen the cut.
He jumped a little when he heard a bang on the hotel room door and turned around. Suddenly his feet slipped under him and Sam fell backwards. Wasn’t able to regain his balance and skidded on the wet tiles. For a fleeting moment he realized the tub must have been filled to overflowing. He didn't even have time to yelp as his knees hit the side of the tub and Sam's upper body fell right into the water. The back of his head hit the rim of the tub and the long body immediately went limp.
___________
Dean felt his anger rise when nobody responded to his knocks on the door. He had managed to track Sam to what seemed to be the fanciest hotel that either of them had ever stayed in and receptionist had confirmed that a really tall man had checked into one of their honeymoon suites. He had to give Sam credit for trying, but Dean knew his brother too well. He knew how Sam would think and tracking him had actually been easier than he expected
He pushed down the door handle to the room down, relieved that it was unlocked. He frowned when he found the room empty and dark, but he spotted Sam's jacket flung carelessly over a chair and knew he was in the right room.
"Sam?" he called out and turned on the lights. He steeled himself for an attack, but there was no sight of dark haired demon or his gigantic brother. Then he heard the sound of running water and turned towards what he assumed was the bathroom and walked closer to it. The carpet by the door was soaked through and Sam’s dirty shirt was wadded up into a soggy ball on the floor. He hesitated, knowing that he needed to get Sam out of there, but he didn't really want to drag his brother out of the shower buck naked if he didn’t have to.
"Sam?" he called out again, growing uneasy when there was no answer. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to get attacked from behind. Satisfied that there was nobody behind him he stepped up to the bathroom door and immediately caught sight of several large drops of blood staining the marble sink. He nearly slipped, his boot heal skidding on the wet tiles. Dean quickly looked up to find the source of the water and froze in place.
"SAM!" he screamed when he saw the body in the tub just under water. Dean rushed over as quickly as he could and dug his hands into the water to grab the body. His heart was pounding furiously in his chest when he saw the pink tinge to the water spilling out of the tub.
"Oh my god," Dean muttered, trying to keep calm, but he began to grow desperate when he couldn't get a good hold on Sam’s heavy body. He jumped into the tub, grabbing hold around Sam's chest and hauled him up. His little brother's head fell limply against his chest as Dean clumsily climbed out of the water, dragging Sam’s limp weight. Dean noticed quickly that he felt no heartbeat against the hand pressed to Sam's chest and he saw more blood starting to run unchecked down Sam's soaked chest, onto Dean's hand.
"Come on!" Dean had trouble getting the larger body of his brother out of the tub and had to tug with all his strength to pull Sam’s long legs free. Dean laid Sam down on the tiles and immediately pressed his ear down against Sam's bare chest, praying that his first impression was wrong. There was no mistaking though. Sam’s chest was still.
"No, no, no, no." Dean was already crying as he carefully tilted Sam's head back, trying to ignore the blood mixing with the water on the floor. He pinched Sam's nose with one hand and leaned down to breath air into Sam's mouth twice, then turned to see if Sam's chest was rising and sighed loudly when it did. He moved a little down Sam's body and placed the heal of his hands just below the breast bone and started counting each compressions. Dean heard the door to the room open just as he finished the compressions.
"Hey! Help!" Dean shouted before leaning down to breathe for Sam again. Once done doing it twice he returned to do compressions, but jumped a bit when he saw the shape in the door. He groaned loudly. This was just what he needed.
"Of course it's you!" he shouted at Ruby. The demon actually looked quite shocked.
"What the hell did you do?!" she gasped, hurrying over as Dean started the chest compressions again.
"Get help!" Dean choosed to ignore the demon’s question. Now was not the time to start another fight with her. Luckily Ruby seemed more concerned with saving Sam’s life than continuing the never-ending dispute with Dean and picked up her phone to call ambulance. Her voice was calm the whole while, but a line of worry was visible on her forehead. Dean returned to breathing for Sam, trying desperately not to panic. There was blood coming from somewhere in the back of his brother's head as well as a nasty cut on his neck and Dean felt himself chocking when he thought how Sam possibly could have gotten that wound. There was blood on his hands and there were his own bloody hand prints on Sam's chest. It sickened him, but he kept going more and more desperate every time Sam's chest didn't rise on its own.
Somewhere along the way Ruby knelt by Sam's head to help and Dean was about to tell her to get lost, but was unable to bring himself to turn away any help. He let his hand rest on Sam's chest as Ruby took over the breathing, pinching Sam’s nose and locked her mouth over his. Suddenly Sam's body arched off the floor, water and blood coughed up out of his mouth as his body struggled to purge itself. Dean gripped his hands around Sam's slim waist and turned him on his side while Ruby had a secure grip on his head to keep him from being injured further. Dean had one hand on Sam's stomach and the other on his back, a smile spreading on his lips feeling his brother's body move. His happiness was short lived though when he realized Sam wasn't awake and the movements were more spasmodic twitchings. Ruby was stroking Sam's face, trying to coax him awake, but Dean was sure that it was well beyond just a harmless knock on the head.
Suddenly the door to the room burst open again and this time the newcomers were a very welcoming sight. Dean forced himself to step back and let the paramedics tend to his brother.
___________
Dean sat in the waiting room, rubbing his hands anxiously, scratching his neck and tapping his feet on the floor. He had called Bobby and told him what happened. Ruby had vanished again and Dean couldn’t bring himself to care. He wish he had gotten a chance to finish her off, but Sam needed him and committing murder, however justified in front of witnesses was never a good idea.
"Mr. Teller?"
Dean looked up so quickly it wouldn't have surprised him if he'd gotten a whiplash. The doctor that had taken care of Sam in the emergency room came towards him with a file in his hands.
"How is he?" Dean asked, swallowing hard.
"He's in his room now. Right now we’ve got his stabilized, but he's not out of danger yet. He's got a serious concussion and lost a lot of blood, but our primary concern was the drowning. We will be keeping a close eye on him during the night," the doctor explained.
"Okay," Dean nodded and sighed.
"Can you tell me what happened?" the doctor asked.
"I've already told some nurse when we got here. I found him in the bathtub not breathing. I did mouth to mouth and compressions then the ambulance arrived," Dean explained, crossing his arms across his chest.
"I heard there was a girl with you? Where is she now?" the doctor asked.
"Honestly. I have no idea. She comes and goes," Dean said.
"Is she your brother's girlfriend?"
"A fucking good friend..." Dean said under his breath.
"Excuse me?" the doctor questioned, his mouth drawing down in a sharp frown at Dean’s words.
"Doctor, she’s not important. I just need to know if my brother is going to be all right.”
Dean pushed the subject of Ruby away, not wanting more uncomfortable questions about the bitch. The Doctor paused a second before accepting Dean's request to change the subject.
"He had a deep wound on the back of his head which seems to be the source of most of the blood loss. It looks like he was either hit with something hard or…"
"Or he fell," Dean interjected.
"Yes. You said you found him in the bathtub which suggests he slipped and knocked his head on something on the way down. There's also some deep bruises on his back which might have been from the fall... but there was another wound that puzzles me," the Doctor studied Dean's face. Dean knew what the bruises was caused by and had seen the cut on Sam's throat too, but was silently hoping there was another explanation to how Sam might have gotten it.
"Mr. Teller. Has your brother ever shown any sign of depression? Any other times he might have possibly harmed himself?" the doctor asked, opening the chart and writing something down before looking up at him again. Dean wanted to deny the suggestion, but knew that he couldn’t be completely honest to do so. He had no way of knowing just how bad things had gotten for Sam while he was in Hell, and he couldn’t ignore the state Sam had been in lately.
"He's had a rough year, but... Doc, if he was trying to kill himself, wouldn’t he had cut his wrists? That would make more sense than him trying to cut his throat," Dean said, trying to act clueless to keep the doctor from becoming suspicious about him or the circumstances surrounding Sam’s injuries.
"Usually in serious suicide attempts you would see cutting of the wrists or ankles to maximize blood loss, but cutting his own throat in this manner can be a sign of stronger desperation to end his own life. It’s not unusual for people in deeply depressed or suicidal states to commit acts of self-mutilation as preludes to more serious efforts to end their lives," the Doctor explained gently, giving Dean a sympathetic look as he struggled to absorb the reality of what had happened. Dean bent his head and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger, struggling to hold back his tears.
"Can I see him?" Dean almost whispered. The doctor nodded.
“I’ll show you to his room. I do need to warn you though… The sight of your brother might be a bit disturbing. Seeing a loved one in this position is never easy. He has a machine giving him assistance in breathing. We’ve got him hooked up to IV he’s been receiving blood to bring his volume back up to more normal levels. He's also been patched up and still quite pale. But as bad as he looks, I’m cautiously optimistic that he will make a full physical recovery."
Dean was left alone door to Sam's room, and it took him several minutes before he could build up his courage to step inside. The first thing heard was the beeping sound from the machine monitoring his brother's heartbeats, and then the pumping of another machine forcing oxygen into Sam’s lungs. The doctor hadn't lied; Sam looked like hell. Not only had he been through an unsuccessful detox, but then ended up trying to kill himself. Sam was white as the sheet, a gauze decorated his throat and his head was bandaged too. Then there were all those IVs. He stood silently beside Sam's bed, almost afraid to touch his brother.
"God what have you done to yourself, Sammy?" It wasn't really a question. Just a statement of the obvious. Dean took a light hold around Sam's wrist and carefully stroked the pale skin with a thumb. He felt the beat of Sam’s pulse beneath his finger, reassuringly strong despite Sam’s condition.
"I really don't get it, Sam. I know every thing's been screwed up. I've been screwed up too and could have been a better brother I guess, but when have I ever given you a reason to trust a demon over me? A demon, Sam! I know the supernatural world isn't as black and white as it used to be before Gordon came into the picture, but a demon, Sam!” He inhaled deeply, trying to compose himself.
“For a college student… for a Winchester you should know better." Dean couldn't look at Sam. He was still so angry at him, but he knew that no matter how ready he was to wipe the floor with his brother, now was not the time to harp on this. Not when Sam was in the condition he was in.
"I…" Dean started, but didn't really know what to say so he shut is mouth again and sat down in a chair by his brother's bed.
___________
It was five days before Sam woke up completely. By that time Sam had cracked Dean's weak spot without even doing anything. Dean's anger was still there, days sitting at Sam’s beside had given him time to really consider what he and Bobby had talked about what to do when Sam woke up. They cooked up a story that would put Sam on suicide watch and Ruby wouldn't be able to get to him. Dean and Bobby would make sure of that. Dean would be there with Sam the whole time, fully aware of the final seal was the only one left. Bobby had continued hunting and found out that Lilith would open Lucifer's Cage in a convent in Ilchester, not more then an half hour drive from the hospital.
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"You're not angry with me?"
Dean frowned at the question he sat with Sam in the hospital room. Sam was much better, but because of being under suicide watch he couldn't leave.
"I could ask you the same question."
Sam twitched a bit once in a while which Dean suspected might have something to do with the lack of demon blood.
"I mean about getting you stuck in suicide watch," Dean continued, studying his brother's face carefully.
"Well it sure was sneaky of you to do that while I was unconscious, unable to defend myself," Sam complained, pouting sullenly.
"So I'm not exactly happy with you either."
Dean smiled sadly once before looking down in his lap,
"It wasn't really wrong to do it though. That cut on your throat wasn't accidental was it?" He looked up at Sam again and this time his brother looked down.
"We've already talked about this..." Sam started, but Dean cut him off.
"I talked. You were lucky enough to get cut off by the doctor coming into the room," Dean reminded him. Sam shrugged and probed at the gauze on his throat. The head wound was healing and the spot where they had to shave a bit of Sam's hair was hidden nicely enough by the rest of the long hair.
"Look at me, Dean. You can't tell me... it wouldn't have been for the best." Sam looked at Dean with the most mournful puppy eyes possible, not even aware that he was doing it.
"Stop saying that, Sam! Taking your own life the coward’s way out!" Dean stood up and went over to where Sam was seated at a table. He planted both of his hands on the table and looked down at Sam, taking advantage of standing over him at the moment.
"What the hell happened to going after Lilith? You planned doing it as a ghost?" Dean's voice almost came off as mocking and Sam's eyes wavered from Dean's a moment before returning to meet them.
"I wouldn't have been strong enough anyway," Sam muttered, forcing himself to keep the eye contact with his brother. It truly felt as if he was an open book then with Dean's eyes studying his own.
"Which Ruby could help you with," Dean guessed right and Sam just nodded.
"But she didn't come even though she promised," Sam finally broke the eye contact and looked down on his hands again. Dean frowned again and tilted his head a little. There's no knowing what an addict will do when refused what he wants. The suicide attempt suddenly made a little more sense. Ruby had come though, but apparently running a little late. He looked at his brother and came to a conclusion. Since Sam had been unconscious when Ruby finally came he didn't know that she had showed up. He could use that to his advantage.
"That's what you get for trusting a demon," Dean muttered and sat down. It was harsh, but right now that's what Sam needed. Sam wasn't going to get better by being soft with him. Sam didn't say anything but nodded a fraction.
"I swear, I could kick your ass ten days from Sunday for running away. But the one you decided to put your trust in let you down, Sam. She doesn't give a rat’s ass about you. If she did she wouldn't have let you wait, leave you hanging,” Dean said, trying to play on the doubt that Sam had to be feeling.
“I hate the bitch, but I don't buy one second that she's that stupid that she doesn't know how you would be when not getting what she had been feeding you!"
Dean felt his anger rising again and leaned back against the chair to take a deep breath. He knew Sam would get pissed if he found out of was lying about Ruby not coming, but right now he'd take a pissed off Sam then the demon's sidekick. Technically he wasn't really lying. Ruby had kept him hanging for too long Sam thought she wouldn't come.
"I know," Sam whispered and looked up at Dean again.
"But I still need to stop Lilith."
Dean nodded at that.
"But not with her. Why won’t you trust me?" Dean's voice came off more hurting then he intended, but wasn't really possible for him to hide the pain he’d been carrying around. Sam swallowed hard and looked up at the ceiling, blinking tears away.
"I trust you. I just... I..." He bit his bottom lip and looked down again so that two tears ran down along his nose.
"You think I'm not capable of it. I'm weak," Dean suggested, using Sam’s very words and Sam closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I never meant weak like that. Man, you came back from Hell and here you are trying to keep me from doing stupid things. It's just when it comes to Lilith... she sent you to Hell. I couldn’t just let that go," Sam explained and Dean's face softened a fraction.
"Well I'm back, Sam. Been for a while. I know I'm not the same person I was before I went to Hell, but that doesn't mean I don't have brains enough to help you. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean I'm weak," Dean said, studying Sam's face again as their eyes met again.
Sam just nodded silently. Dean was quiet for a few seconds, noticing the growing frown on Sam's forehead for what the response back would be.
"I am," Sam whispered, looking very lost and ashamed.
"In a way, yes," Dean said seriously, meaning every word.
"I mean, obviously it makes you strong when it comes to the powers, but the whole desperation for demon blood...?" Dean trailed off, knowing Sam would know what he meant.
"It's pathetic," Sam mumbled, not disagreeing.
"Yeah well there's nothing beautiful about addictions. I just wish you'd let the right one help you. I know your time when I was in Hell wasn't a dance on roses, but man. How could it be so bad you'd thrust a demon?" Dean asked, almost desperate for an answer.
"It was. How did you feel when I died, Dean? I might be the one who ran away when I was young, the one who got to go to college, but you're my big brother, Dean. Just because you got this weird ass belief that big brothers know everything and deserve less then little brothers, doesn't make it so," Sam looked both almost humored and desperate at the same time now,
"Why the hell do you think even the Trickster said my weakness would be the death of me too?"
Dean sat completely silent, honestly moved by Sam's words. Words he hadn't ever thought he'd ever hear from Sam again. It had been so long since they were able to talk to one another like this.
"You're almost right I guess," Dean said, making Sam tilt his head a bit in confusion.
"Big brothers do know better. It's true. Look it up bookworm."
The room was suddenly unnaturally quiet before Sam laughed shortly and shook his head.
"Actually that was like the only right thing about what I said. Don't you know? Lying is my new 'thing'?" Sam joked, but shut his mouth, unsure of how Dean would take it.
"Idiot," Dean snickered before settling back in the chair again.
"Does that mean you'll come with me this time and not that bitch?" Dean asked hopefully. Sam's face fell sad again before nodding,
"Yeah," he said in a whisper and Dean leaned over to grab Sam's hand.
"Good. That's the only thing I've wanted this whole year. We'll figure this out, Sam," Dean reassured his brother.
Suddenly the whole room shook, just like a little shudder, but not normal for any house.
"What the hell?" Dean stood up. He heard noise from the corridors from apparently just as surprised doctors and patients.
"Dean," Sam's voice made Dean look back at his brother. Sam was standing by the window staring at something out of sight for Dean so he hurried over. There in the far distance they saw a beam of light shooting right up into the sky.
"What the hell is that?" Sam squinted towards the bright light. The earth was still shaking a little under their feet and the lights were blinking.
"Oh no," Dean gasped.
"That's in the direction of the Convent," he muttered and turned to Sam.
"What? It can't be!" Sam pushed against the secured window as if that would do any good. Neither of the boys had seen anything like it before, but there was no doubt what would create something like that.
"Maybe it's just how...uhm... Lilith dies?" Dean suggested which only served him a skeptical look from Sam,
"I know. Unlikely."
They jumped when there was a knock on the door to the room and the door opened. In came Ruby, her top covered in blood and a long blade in her hand.
"I see you're up, Mr. No-show," she said to Sam.
"Look who's talking," Sam spat back. Dean didn't wait for their argument to turn uglier and pulled out Ruby's own knife from the back of his pants.
"What did you do?" Dean stopped when he had the knife against her throat. She just titled her head and raised her eyebrows,
"Noticed the beam of light out there? That was Lucifer getting out of his cage. Thanks to you, short bus, I couldn't get to Sam to stop him," she explained and looked over to Sam.
"Maybe you should have kept your word then. I was waiting for you!" Sam came to stand beside Dean.
"I did come, but apparently you decided to go emo on me right when it was time to get Lilith," she sneered in his face, but Dean pressed the knife tighter against her throat.
"You shut up, right now," he threatened her.
"No, I'm sick of your childish bitching," she drew her arm back and brought her fist right into the side of his face, sending him flying back against the wall.
"No!" Sam looked confused, but wasn't late to react when Ruby punched his brother. Ruby was quicker though and grabbed his throat and pulled him with her until he was pressed against the wall.
"How did Lucifer escape?" he winced. Ruby's face softened and the hand on his throat reached up to stroke his face instead. The sudden change, from violence to gentleness left Sam even more confused.
"What happened with killing Lilith?" he turned his head away from her, but she continued stroking his face.
"I did that. Well, with some help from others and Lilith herself. You see, Dumbo, when we realized you were a no-show we had to do it ourselves. I just left out the part where killing Lilith was the last seal, not her breaking it," she told him as if there was nothing to worry about.
Sam closed his eyes when he took in what she told him. When he opened his eyes again he saw Dean sneaking up on Ruby from behind with her knife in hand.
"You lying bitch. I can't believe you," he whispered then grabbed hold of her arms just as Dean drove the knife into her back. She gasped and stared at Sam before the demon in the host exploded inside her. Dean sneered as he ripped the knife out and Sam let the body hit the floor.
"Finally!" Dean sighed loudly.
"I've been dreaming about that since the first time I met the bitch!" He smirked a bit, but Sam just sunk down to the floor and hid his head in his arms. Dean knelt down by his brother.
"It's okay, Sam," he rubbed the back of his brother's neck while looking around the room and to where the surveillance camera was. They had to get out of here now. They had just witnessed them killing Ruby.
"How can helping letting Lucifer out of his cage be okay?" Sam looked up at Dean until his eyes shifted to something behind his brother.
"Cas?" Sam frowned, but didn't have time to do anything else before the angel placed a hand on both of them and they were gone.
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Title: The ABC of limp!Sam
Author: Lonnie
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Characters: Sam & Dean, Ruby
Summary: All kinds of limp!Sam. In fact, the whole alphabet!
Disclaimer: I do not own Sam or Dean or anything Supernatural sadly :/ The ideas for this ABC fic is thanks to everyone over at limp-sam.com's forum! If it's done before, then sorry, but there's a lot of fics out there and this is just simply my version XD
Beta Reader: Ravanne
Masterpost
Fanfiction.net Link: ABC of limp!Sam
Comments are very much wanted!! =)
Chapter 19: S - Suicidal
- Alt. ending to "When the Levee Breaks" and "Lucifer Rising"
Sam was shaking where he sat, his thoughts tumbling over each other, not making any sense. He’d bitten his nails until they bled. Running his hands through his hair anxiously, his eyes ran all over the honeymoon suite. Ruby said she was coming, but it felt as if hours had passed since he’d spoken with her. He pressed his eyes closed, pressing his face into his hands.
"God," he sobbed, tears running down his cheeks. He couldn't take it. He was sweaty, tired and felt so pathetically needy, but he couldn't ask anyone for help. He didn't deserve anybody's help, even if he’d known what help he needed. He don't know how long he sat on the couch waiting helplessly for Ruby to appear. His body tensed and he jumped to his feet. Sam paced about the room, feeling like a caged animal. He struggled not to let his frustration drive him to start trashing the room, his control hanging by a thread. He didn't dare draw attention to himself. His phone had been ringing so often he was starting to think it was going to drive him even more insane. Then when the ringing stopped, he wondered if the silence was worse.
Somewhere along the way Sam fell asleep on the couch. His long legs hung over the side, one arm flung over his head while his other rested across his chest. It was late in the evening when he woke up again and there was still no sign of Ruby. He sat up quietly, just sitting in the dark room and trying to ignore the whispering voices in his head. Deciding that Ruby wasn't coming, he stood up and rummaged through his duffle bag, finding his largest hunting knife. Biting his lip, Sam knew that he’d run out of options. Steeling himself for what he knew needed to be done, he walked into the bathroom, carrying his knife with him.
He went over to the large bathtub, designed to fit two honeymooners and turned on the water, running it as hot as he could stand. As the oversized tub slowly filled, Sam turned to the mirror over the marble sink and took a long and hard look at himself. He felt pent up rage burn in his chest seeing what he’d reduced himself to. His eyes were bloodshot, and his skin look so pale and pasty, his oily hair hanging limply about his drawn face.
He broke the eye contact with his reflection and looked down at the blade in his hand. He carefully placed it down on the vanity before clumsily pulling off his sweat stained shirt and threw it across the large bathroom. He turned around a little and saw for the first time the deep purple bruises on his back and ribs. Fake-Dean had told him in the panic room that the demon blood had tossed him around the room and apparently that had been the truth. Sam looked as if he’d been dragged over five miles of rough country road.
Sam forced his thoughts to the matter at hand. He knew what he needed to do and dawdling wouldn’t make it any easier. He picked up the knife in the sink and pressed it to his throat, closing his eyes and steeling himself. He felt the cold blade on his skin and tracked it carefully along his neck, the tip of the knife tracing down the line of his jugular and breaking the skin. After all these months hunting down Lilith he never thought it would come to this. He hadn't expected to come out of this alive, but he never in his darkest nightmares thought he’d be reduced to this pitiful state. He had betrayed his brother and for what? A demon bitch that used him and clearly doesn't even give a shit about him?
He bit his lip, barely holding back the sobs that threatened to break free and opened his eyes. The long cut he had made on this neck and throat hurt, but it wasn't something that would kill him. It was deep enough to bleed a lot though and the blood ran down his chest and Sam followed it with his eyes in the reflection in the mirror. He knew that he had to finish the job. All he needed to do was climb into tub and deepen the cut.
He jumped a little when he heard a bang on the hotel room door and turned around. Suddenly his feet slipped under him and Sam fell backwards. Wasn’t able to regain his balance and skidded on the wet tiles. For a fleeting moment he realized the tub must have been filled to overflowing. He didn't even have time to yelp as his knees hit the side of the tub and Sam's upper body fell right into the water. The back of his head hit the rim of the tub and the long body immediately went limp.
___________
Dean felt his anger rise when nobody responded to his knocks on the door. He had managed to track Sam to what seemed to be the fanciest hotel that either of them had ever stayed in and receptionist had confirmed that a really tall man had checked into one of their honeymoon suites. He had to give Sam credit for trying, but Dean knew his brother too well. He knew how Sam would think and tracking him had actually been easier than he expected
He pushed down the door handle to the room down, relieved that it was unlocked. He frowned when he found the room empty and dark, but he spotted Sam's jacket flung carelessly over a chair and knew he was in the right room.
"Sam?" he called out and turned on the lights. He steeled himself for an attack, but there was no sight of dark haired demon or his gigantic brother. Then he heard the sound of running water and turned towards what he assumed was the bathroom and walked closer to it. The carpet by the door was soaked through and Sam’s dirty shirt was wadded up into a soggy ball on the floor. He hesitated, knowing that he needed to get Sam out of there, but he didn't really want to drag his brother out of the shower buck naked if he didn’t have to.
"Sam?" he called out again, growing uneasy when there was no answer. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't going to get attacked from behind. Satisfied that there was nobody behind him he stepped up to the bathroom door and immediately caught sight of several large drops of blood staining the marble sink. He nearly slipped, his boot heal skidding on the wet tiles. Dean quickly looked up to find the source of the water and froze in place.
"SAM!" he screamed when he saw the body in the tub just under water. Dean rushed over as quickly as he could and dug his hands into the water to grab the body. His heart was pounding furiously in his chest when he saw the pink tinge to the water spilling out of the tub.
"Oh my god," Dean muttered, trying to keep calm, but he began to grow desperate when he couldn't get a good hold on Sam’s heavy body. He jumped into the tub, grabbing hold around Sam's chest and hauled him up. His little brother's head fell limply against his chest as Dean clumsily climbed out of the water, dragging Sam’s limp weight. Dean noticed quickly that he felt no heartbeat against the hand pressed to Sam's chest and he saw more blood starting to run unchecked down Sam's soaked chest, onto Dean's hand.
"Come on!" Dean had trouble getting the larger body of his brother out of the tub and had to tug with all his strength to pull Sam’s long legs free. Dean laid Sam down on the tiles and immediately pressed his ear down against Sam's bare chest, praying that his first impression was wrong. There was no mistaking though. Sam’s chest was still.
"No, no, no, no." Dean was already crying as he carefully tilted Sam's head back, trying to ignore the blood mixing with the water on the floor. He pinched Sam's nose with one hand and leaned down to breath air into Sam's mouth twice, then turned to see if Sam's chest was rising and sighed loudly when it did. He moved a little down Sam's body and placed the heal of his hands just below the breast bone and started counting each compressions. Dean heard the door to the room open just as he finished the compressions.
"Hey! Help!" Dean shouted before leaning down to breathe for Sam again. Once done doing it twice he returned to do compressions, but jumped a bit when he saw the shape in the door. He groaned loudly. This was just what he needed.
"Of course it's you!" he shouted at Ruby. The demon actually looked quite shocked.
"What the hell did you do?!" she gasped, hurrying over as Dean started the chest compressions again.
"Get help!" Dean choosed to ignore the demon’s question. Now was not the time to start another fight with her. Luckily Ruby seemed more concerned with saving Sam’s life than continuing the never-ending dispute with Dean and picked up her phone to call ambulance. Her voice was calm the whole while, but a line of worry was visible on her forehead. Dean returned to breathing for Sam, trying desperately not to panic. There was blood coming from somewhere in the back of his brother's head as well as a nasty cut on his neck and Dean felt himself chocking when he thought how Sam possibly could have gotten that wound. There was blood on his hands and there were his own bloody hand prints on Sam's chest. It sickened him, but he kept going more and more desperate every time Sam's chest didn't rise on its own.
Somewhere along the way Ruby knelt by Sam's head to help and Dean was about to tell her to get lost, but was unable to bring himself to turn away any help. He let his hand rest on Sam's chest as Ruby took over the breathing, pinching Sam’s nose and locked her mouth over his. Suddenly Sam's body arched off the floor, water and blood coughed up out of his mouth as his body struggled to purge itself. Dean gripped his hands around Sam's slim waist and turned him on his side while Ruby had a secure grip on his head to keep him from being injured further. Dean had one hand on Sam's stomach and the other on his back, a smile spreading on his lips feeling his brother's body move. His happiness was short lived though when he realized Sam wasn't awake and the movements were more spasmodic twitchings. Ruby was stroking Sam's face, trying to coax him awake, but Dean was sure that it was well beyond just a harmless knock on the head.
Suddenly the door to the room burst open again and this time the newcomers were a very welcoming sight. Dean forced himself to step back and let the paramedics tend to his brother.
___________
Dean sat in the waiting room, rubbing his hands anxiously, scratching his neck and tapping his feet on the floor. He had called Bobby and told him what happened. Ruby had vanished again and Dean couldn’t bring himself to care. He wish he had gotten a chance to finish her off, but Sam needed him and committing murder, however justified in front of witnesses was never a good idea.
"Mr. Teller?"
Dean looked up so quickly it wouldn't have surprised him if he'd gotten a whiplash. The doctor that had taken care of Sam in the emergency room came towards him with a file in his hands.
"How is he?" Dean asked, swallowing hard.
"He's in his room now. Right now we’ve got his stabilized, but he's not out of danger yet. He's got a serious concussion and lost a lot of blood, but our primary concern was the drowning. We will be keeping a close eye on him during the night," the doctor explained.
"Okay," Dean nodded and sighed.
"Can you tell me what happened?" the doctor asked.
"I've already told some nurse when we got here. I found him in the bathtub not breathing. I did mouth to mouth and compressions then the ambulance arrived," Dean explained, crossing his arms across his chest.
"I heard there was a girl with you? Where is she now?" the doctor asked.
"Honestly. I have no idea. She comes and goes," Dean said.
"Is she your brother's girlfriend?"
"A fucking good friend..." Dean said under his breath.
"Excuse me?" the doctor questioned, his mouth drawing down in a sharp frown at Dean’s words.
"Doctor, she’s not important. I just need to know if my brother is going to be all right.”
Dean pushed the subject of Ruby away, not wanting more uncomfortable questions about the bitch. The Doctor paused a second before accepting Dean's request to change the subject.
"He had a deep wound on the back of his head which seems to be the source of most of the blood loss. It looks like he was either hit with something hard or…"
"Or he fell," Dean interjected.
"Yes. You said you found him in the bathtub which suggests he slipped and knocked his head on something on the way down. There's also some deep bruises on his back which might have been from the fall... but there was another wound that puzzles me," the Doctor studied Dean's face. Dean knew what the bruises was caused by and had seen the cut on Sam's throat too, but was silently hoping there was another explanation to how Sam might have gotten it.
"Mr. Teller. Has your brother ever shown any sign of depression? Any other times he might have possibly harmed himself?" the doctor asked, opening the chart and writing something down before looking up at him again. Dean wanted to deny the suggestion, but knew that he couldn’t be completely honest to do so. He had no way of knowing just how bad things had gotten for Sam while he was in Hell, and he couldn’t ignore the state Sam had been in lately.
"He's had a rough year, but... Doc, if he was trying to kill himself, wouldn’t he had cut his wrists? That would make more sense than him trying to cut his throat," Dean said, trying to act clueless to keep the doctor from becoming suspicious about him or the circumstances surrounding Sam’s injuries.
"Usually in serious suicide attempts you would see cutting of the wrists or ankles to maximize blood loss, but cutting his own throat in this manner can be a sign of stronger desperation to end his own life. It’s not unusual for people in deeply depressed or suicidal states to commit acts of self-mutilation as preludes to more serious efforts to end their lives," the Doctor explained gently, giving Dean a sympathetic look as he struggled to absorb the reality of what had happened. Dean bent his head and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger, struggling to hold back his tears.
"Can I see him?" Dean almost whispered. The doctor nodded.
“I’ll show you to his room. I do need to warn you though… The sight of your brother might be a bit disturbing. Seeing a loved one in this position is never easy. He has a machine giving him assistance in breathing. We’ve got him hooked up to IV he’s been receiving blood to bring his volume back up to more normal levels. He's also been patched up and still quite pale. But as bad as he looks, I’m cautiously optimistic that he will make a full physical recovery."
Dean was left alone door to Sam's room, and it took him several minutes before he could build up his courage to step inside. The first thing heard was the beeping sound from the machine monitoring his brother's heartbeats, and then the pumping of another machine forcing oxygen into Sam’s lungs. The doctor hadn't lied; Sam looked like hell. Not only had he been through an unsuccessful detox, but then ended up trying to kill himself. Sam was white as the sheet, a gauze decorated his throat and his head was bandaged too. Then there were all those IVs. He stood silently beside Sam's bed, almost afraid to touch his brother.
"God what have you done to yourself, Sammy?" It wasn't really a question. Just a statement of the obvious. Dean took a light hold around Sam's wrist and carefully stroked the pale skin with a thumb. He felt the beat of Sam’s pulse beneath his finger, reassuringly strong despite Sam’s condition.
"I really don't get it, Sam. I know every thing's been screwed up. I've been screwed up too and could have been a better brother I guess, but when have I ever given you a reason to trust a demon over me? A demon, Sam! I know the supernatural world isn't as black and white as it used to be before Gordon came into the picture, but a demon, Sam!” He inhaled deeply, trying to compose himself.
“For a college student… for a Winchester you should know better." Dean couldn't look at Sam. He was still so angry at him, but he knew that no matter how ready he was to wipe the floor with his brother, now was not the time to harp on this. Not when Sam was in the condition he was in.
"I…" Dean started, but didn't really know what to say so he shut is mouth again and sat down in a chair by his brother's bed.
___________
It was five days before Sam woke up completely. By that time Sam had cracked Dean's weak spot without even doing anything. Dean's anger was still there, days sitting at Sam’s beside had given him time to really consider what he and Bobby had talked about what to do when Sam woke up. They cooked up a story that would put Sam on suicide watch and Ruby wouldn't be able to get to him. Dean and Bobby would make sure of that. Dean would be there with Sam the whole time, fully aware of the final seal was the only one left. Bobby had continued hunting and found out that Lilith would open Lucifer's Cage in a convent in Ilchester, not more then an half hour drive from the hospital.
___________
"You're not angry with me?"
Dean frowned at the question he sat with Sam in the hospital room. Sam was much better, but because of being under suicide watch he couldn't leave.
"I could ask you the same question."
Sam twitched a bit once in a while which Dean suspected might have something to do with the lack of demon blood.
"I mean about getting you stuck in suicide watch," Dean continued, studying his brother's face carefully.
"Well it sure was sneaky of you to do that while I was unconscious, unable to defend myself," Sam complained, pouting sullenly.
"So I'm not exactly happy with you either."
Dean smiled sadly once before looking down in his lap,
"It wasn't really wrong to do it though. That cut on your throat wasn't accidental was it?" He looked up at Sam again and this time his brother looked down.
"We've already talked about this..." Sam started, but Dean cut him off.
"I talked. You were lucky enough to get cut off by the doctor coming into the room," Dean reminded him. Sam shrugged and probed at the gauze on his throat. The head wound was healing and the spot where they had to shave a bit of Sam's hair was hidden nicely enough by the rest of the long hair.
"Look at me, Dean. You can't tell me... it wouldn't have been for the best." Sam looked at Dean with the most mournful puppy eyes possible, not even aware that he was doing it.
"Stop saying that, Sam! Taking your own life the coward’s way out!" Dean stood up and went over to where Sam was seated at a table. He planted both of his hands on the table and looked down at Sam, taking advantage of standing over him at the moment.
"What the hell happened to going after Lilith? You planned doing it as a ghost?" Dean's voice almost came off as mocking and Sam's eyes wavered from Dean's a moment before returning to meet them.
"I wouldn't have been strong enough anyway," Sam muttered, forcing himself to keep the eye contact with his brother. It truly felt as if he was an open book then with Dean's eyes studying his own.
"Which Ruby could help you with," Dean guessed right and Sam just nodded.
"But she didn't come even though she promised," Sam finally broke the eye contact and looked down on his hands again. Dean frowned again and tilted his head a little. There's no knowing what an addict will do when refused what he wants. The suicide attempt suddenly made a little more sense. Ruby had come though, but apparently running a little late. He looked at his brother and came to a conclusion. Since Sam had been unconscious when Ruby finally came he didn't know that she had showed up. He could use that to his advantage.
"That's what you get for trusting a demon," Dean muttered and sat down. It was harsh, but right now that's what Sam needed. Sam wasn't going to get better by being soft with him. Sam didn't say anything but nodded a fraction.
"I swear, I could kick your ass ten days from Sunday for running away. But the one you decided to put your trust in let you down, Sam. She doesn't give a rat’s ass about you. If she did she wouldn't have let you wait, leave you hanging,” Dean said, trying to play on the doubt that Sam had to be feeling.
“I hate the bitch, but I don't buy one second that she's that stupid that she doesn't know how you would be when not getting what she had been feeding you!"
Dean felt his anger rising again and leaned back against the chair to take a deep breath. He knew Sam would get pissed if he found out of was lying about Ruby not coming, but right now he'd take a pissed off Sam then the demon's sidekick. Technically he wasn't really lying. Ruby had kept him hanging for too long Sam thought she wouldn't come.
"I know," Sam whispered and looked up at Dean again.
"But I still need to stop Lilith."
Dean nodded at that.
"But not with her. Why won’t you trust me?" Dean's voice came off more hurting then he intended, but wasn't really possible for him to hide the pain he’d been carrying around. Sam swallowed hard and looked up at the ceiling, blinking tears away.
"I trust you. I just... I..." He bit his bottom lip and looked down again so that two tears ran down along his nose.
"You think I'm not capable of it. I'm weak," Dean suggested, using Sam’s very words and Sam closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry. I never meant weak like that. Man, you came back from Hell and here you are trying to keep me from doing stupid things. It's just when it comes to Lilith... she sent you to Hell. I couldn’t just let that go," Sam explained and Dean's face softened a fraction.
"Well I'm back, Sam. Been for a while. I know I'm not the same person I was before I went to Hell, but that doesn't mean I don't have brains enough to help you. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean I'm weak," Dean said, studying Sam's face again as their eyes met again.
Sam just nodded silently. Dean was quiet for a few seconds, noticing the growing frown on Sam's forehead for what the response back would be.
"I am," Sam whispered, looking very lost and ashamed.
"In a way, yes," Dean said seriously, meaning every word.
"I mean, obviously it makes you strong when it comes to the powers, but the whole desperation for demon blood...?" Dean trailed off, knowing Sam would know what he meant.
"It's pathetic," Sam mumbled, not disagreeing.
"Yeah well there's nothing beautiful about addictions. I just wish you'd let the right one help you. I know your time when I was in Hell wasn't a dance on roses, but man. How could it be so bad you'd thrust a demon?" Dean asked, almost desperate for an answer.
"It was. How did you feel when I died, Dean? I might be the one who ran away when I was young, the one who got to go to college, but you're my big brother, Dean. Just because you got this weird ass belief that big brothers know everything and deserve less then little brothers, doesn't make it so," Sam looked both almost humored and desperate at the same time now,
"Why the hell do you think even the Trickster said my weakness would be the death of me too?"
Dean sat completely silent, honestly moved by Sam's words. Words he hadn't ever thought he'd ever hear from Sam again. It had been so long since they were able to talk to one another like this.
"You're almost right I guess," Dean said, making Sam tilt his head a bit in confusion.
"Big brothers do know better. It's true. Look it up bookworm."
The room was suddenly unnaturally quiet before Sam laughed shortly and shook his head.
"Actually that was like the only right thing about what I said. Don't you know? Lying is my new 'thing'?" Sam joked, but shut his mouth, unsure of how Dean would take it.
"Idiot," Dean snickered before settling back in the chair again.
"Does that mean you'll come with me this time and not that bitch?" Dean asked hopefully. Sam's face fell sad again before nodding,
"Yeah," he said in a whisper and Dean leaned over to grab Sam's hand.
"Good. That's the only thing I've wanted this whole year. We'll figure this out, Sam," Dean reassured his brother.
Suddenly the whole room shook, just like a little shudder, but not normal for any house.
"What the hell?" Dean stood up. He heard noise from the corridors from apparently just as surprised doctors and patients.
"Dean," Sam's voice made Dean look back at his brother. Sam was standing by the window staring at something out of sight for Dean so he hurried over. There in the far distance they saw a beam of light shooting right up into the sky.
"What the hell is that?" Sam squinted towards the bright light. The earth was still shaking a little under their feet and the lights were blinking.
"Oh no," Dean gasped.
"That's in the direction of the Convent," he muttered and turned to Sam.
"What? It can't be!" Sam pushed against the secured window as if that would do any good. Neither of the boys had seen anything like it before, but there was no doubt what would create something like that.
"Maybe it's just how...uhm... Lilith dies?" Dean suggested which only served him a skeptical look from Sam,
"I know. Unlikely."
They jumped when there was a knock on the door to the room and the door opened. In came Ruby, her top covered in blood and a long blade in her hand.
"I see you're up, Mr. No-show," she said to Sam.
"Look who's talking," Sam spat back. Dean didn't wait for their argument to turn uglier and pulled out Ruby's own knife from the back of his pants.
"What did you do?" Dean stopped when he had the knife against her throat. She just titled her head and raised her eyebrows,
"Noticed the beam of light out there? That was Lucifer getting out of his cage. Thanks to you, short bus, I couldn't get to Sam to stop him," she explained and looked over to Sam.
"Maybe you should have kept your word then. I was waiting for you!" Sam came to stand beside Dean.
"I did come, but apparently you decided to go emo on me right when it was time to get Lilith," she sneered in his face, but Dean pressed the knife tighter against her throat.
"You shut up, right now," he threatened her.
"No, I'm sick of your childish bitching," she drew her arm back and brought her fist right into the side of his face, sending him flying back against the wall.
"No!" Sam looked confused, but wasn't late to react when Ruby punched his brother. Ruby was quicker though and grabbed his throat and pulled him with her until he was pressed against the wall.
"How did Lucifer escape?" he winced. Ruby's face softened and the hand on his throat reached up to stroke his face instead. The sudden change, from violence to gentleness left Sam even more confused.
"What happened with killing Lilith?" he turned his head away from her, but she continued stroking his face.
"I did that. Well, with some help from others and Lilith herself. You see, Dumbo, when we realized you were a no-show we had to do it ourselves. I just left out the part where killing Lilith was the last seal, not her breaking it," she told him as if there was nothing to worry about.
Sam closed his eyes when he took in what she told him. When he opened his eyes again he saw Dean sneaking up on Ruby from behind with her knife in hand.
"You lying bitch. I can't believe you," he whispered then grabbed hold of her arms just as Dean drove the knife into her back. She gasped and stared at Sam before the demon in the host exploded inside her. Dean sneered as he ripped the knife out and Sam let the body hit the floor.
"Finally!" Dean sighed loudly.
"I've been dreaming about that since the first time I met the bitch!" He smirked a bit, but Sam just sunk down to the floor and hid his head in his arms. Dean knelt down by his brother.
"It's okay, Sam," he rubbed the back of his brother's neck while looking around the room and to where the surveillance camera was. They had to get out of here now. They had just witnessed them killing Ruby.
"How can helping letting Lucifer out of his cage be okay?" Sam looked up at Dean until his eyes shifted to something behind his brother.
"Cas?" Sam frowned, but didn't have time to do anything else before the angel placed a hand on both of them and they were gone.