Ballsy

[herbailiwick]

Title: Ballsy
Rating: PG-13 for nudity, language, and threats of violence, especially against balls.
Pairing: Nathan/Lavona, but also just a glimpse of a heavily implied second pairing.
Summary: Nathan can't stop thinking about her. Charles thinks it's stupidity, but, really, there's something noble about it too.
Notes:
- Written for turnip_girl, who suggested the pairing, in thanks for the drabble about Deddybear versus Duffy the Disney bear she wrote.  
- Couldn't have done this without major plot help from supes_!
- Further thanks to metalmanagement and misdreya for suggestions and for being there to listen to parts of this as I was writing.
- Also, thanks to mschievousness for making the Lavona fanmix, which helped with inspiration!
- I apologize to everyone if this got too fluffy. I was enjoying myself too much, maybe.
- We need a Lavona fic tag. :-3

Ballsy
"Nathan, I don't understand why it is that you want to do this."

"Don't fuckin' question me. I'll Facebook and Twitter this shit. You know I will!"

"In all good conscience, I don't think I can-"

"HEY. Whose life is this? This," he said somberly, "is just something I have to do. I don't expect you to understand, but you need to support me."

"Locating her is one thing. What happens when you get a hold of this woman? This is very dangerous."

Nathan rolled his eyes, having totally expected this. "I can't stop thinking about that night, Charles," he explained. He looked him right in the eyes. "Before, it was about you. I thought about how it was my fault you died. But you're fine now. I have to do this for me."

"And what if something happens to you to where you'll never be the same again?" The silence that followed this felt palpable in the air between them.

"In that case...I would be different. Than if it didn't happen."

"Yes."

Nathan shoved his hands in his pockets. "It's not like I don't like my balls. But I need to stop wondering."

"A million things could happen to you. You'll have to keep in touch with me. I can send some Klokateers along. In fact...I'm going to. Don't argue with me. I'm going to be very worried about you, Nathan. What if you never come back? Remember what it was like when I died?" Nathan opened his mouth, and he put a hand up. "No. It's non-negotiable. She seems to be unstable at best. You'll be escorted there by our finest. And you'll have your phone on. And you'll text me. Only then will I help you look."

It had been fairly easy to come up with information about her, because she'd been the head of a movement to collect Nathan's seed, and none of the women had exactly been discrete. The stuff that Charles and his team found was all in German originally, but translations were easy to make and unmistakable in their meaning.

Her name was Lavona Succuboso.

"Lavona," Nathan said, trying it out. "Huh."

"Just think about this, okay? There are a billion other girls out there who want you to sign their tits and would be more than happy to date you."

"She kissed me."

"What?" Charles's expression grew shuttered.

"Before she kneed me in the balls and then tried to extra...extract them, she kissed me."

"She's dangerous."

Nathan looked away briefly. "I know that. I'm not stupid."

"You're acting like it."

"Look. She's obviously not like anyone else. I've never had anyone want my balls before."

"I've read the information," Charles said, his voice rising slightly. "She wanted to extract your testicles so that she could use your semen to have a baby. She and the other women intended on using your genetic material to create a colony of 'Explosionites'. You understand that?"

"I know she's weeeeeeiiiird!" he said. "But I want to see her! I don't have to answer to you about this. You're my manager. Just give me the address."

"You might not return. She could very well kill you."

"GOD! Life is about risking things, Offdensen," Nathan said, glaring outright. "Somewhere in you is a guy who knows that. I don't get on your case for having been dead for nine months-during which my life, by the way, was a living hell. I'm going to her house. I'm gonna talk to her. And I'm coming back with both my balls." He was doing the right thing. He'd show him.

Nathan was flanked by three heavily-armed Klokateers as he stood on the porch of the unassuming home and rang the doorbell.

The woman who answered looked the same, but somehow different. She was wearing jeans and a black hoodie, and was stunned for a moment to see him. "YOU!" She screamed, heedless of the Klokateers, who all aimed at her. She charged forward into Nathan, who turned her around and pinned her arms to her side, lifting her into the air. "NOOOO!" she screamed, struggling.

He held her still.

There was a long silence. "Master Explosion?" one of the Klokateers called.

"Hug therapy," Nathan grunted. "I think I got this."

She stopped struggling. "Vat," she said slowly, voice low with distrust, "are you doing here in my home? You haff ruined me!"

"Please...don't kick me when I...let you go."

"Tch. Fine." He set her down, and she turned around again, glaring up at him. Suddenly, he noticed the scarring on the side of her face. She was still beautiful. But she had been burned. It took him a moment to remember he needed to explain himself.

"Vell?"

"Lavona Suck...Succuboso?"

"Dis is me, yes." She crossed her arms. She seemed slightly uncomfortable with the idea of him knowing her name.

"You gonna invite us in?"

She shook her head. "No vepons. And no men in hoods. I don't trust dem."

Nathan looked behind him at the Klokateers. He reached into his pocket for his wallet, handing one of them a hundred dollar bill. "Get yourselves some ice-cream." He was soon alone on the porch. She let him inside.

The decoration was sweet and homey. There were little doilies under vases and figurines of dogs and there was an afghan draped over the back of a floral loveseat. She motioned to a large armchair. "Do you vant coffee?"

"Uh...sure." He took a seat a little warily. His dethphone informed him he had a text. He knew it had to be Charles. As she went into the kitchen, he texted Charles back, trying to assure him he was going to be alright. Not that he could even know that. He had no idea what was going to happen to him, but, just like that night back at Mordhaus, his instinct was to trust her, no matter how fucking crazy she seemed. Not that his instincts were always perfect. But a lot of the time, they were good.

At the first sign of trouble, you get yourself out of there. I don't have to remind you how stupid you're being.

she likes flowers and dogs

What does that mean?

cant talk right now, shes makng coffee. if things go bad ill let you know

Nathan put his phone on silent. He totally knew what he was doing. Sort of. When she sat a steaming mug in front of him on one of the wicker coasters, he even gave her a look that caused her to roll her eyes, take a sip of the coffee, and set it back down for him. Finding her lack of dying acceptable, he peered at her through his dark curtain of hair and thanked her, mainly for not trying to kill him less than fifteen minutes in.

She waved off the thanks. Being hospitable was important, no matter the guest.

"Nai'sin?"

"Uh. Yeah?"

She rested her hand on the big pocket of her black hoodie benignly. "Dis is de part vare you carefully explain to me vy I shoult not kill you and extract your seet for my own use."

Nathan blinked. "Whoa." Quite a topic change. He swirled his coffee around a bit, then answered, "Killing's bad, and being a single mom? Just, why? You know?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Hey...do you got a gun in your pocket?" he asked.

She reached into the pocket and extracted it. "Ya." He eyed it warily. "Vat are you doing here in my home?"

"Uhhhhh." He scratched at his head, green eyes still locked on the weapon. "I don't know, actually."

"I see." She sipped her coffee with her free hand, staring at him. He shifted uncomfortably.

He started thinking about it harder, motivated by the gun. "I...kept thinking about you."

"Oh yes? Is dis true?" She smirked.

"Yeah." He took another sip.

"Vell, YOU RUINED MY FACE!" she exclaimed suddenly, causing him to choke on his swallow. Unamused, he wiped at his chin.

"I uset to be such a beauty, Nai'sin. You remember."

He shrugged. "It's hardly note...noticiple. Actually...it's kind of brutal. Totally not a big deal."

Reflexively, she put her mug down and covered the burn. "I will show you a face dat is brutal!" she exclaimed, aiming the gun.

"Whoa!" He held up his hand, the one not holding the mug of coffee. "You are one crazy...female. You know I can give you as much...seed...as you want, if I'm alive. You get that, right?"

She eyed him. "You vould do this vy? You have no reason."

"I wanna know why you care," he shrugged. "I came here to ask why that is. It's probably just a Dethklok thing. But you do care. You want it."

She was stunned into silence for a moment. "It vas about you," she admitted, "not Dethklok. Big, strong, one fourt Yannemango, musically talented, oddly classy. And quiet. You were de perfect specimen. But I am alone. No longer are vomen behind me, vanting to form a colony of Explosionites."

"So do you like me, or, what? What's going on?"

She flinched slightly. "I don't like anyone," she said firmly.

Nathan got up, setting his mug on the coaster. "Well, this was a waste of time. Sorry."

She aimed at him. "Sit down. I get you more coffee."

He raised an eyebrow. She was fucking crazy. "You're fucking crazy."

She smirked. "You are not sitting, are you? Sit."

He took his seat again. He debated whether to leave. He decided to slip out quietly while she was pouring him more coffee from the kitchen.

Charles was hugging him way too tightly. "I'm trying to eat some ice-cream here. Do you want caramel swirl all over your suit? Get off me."

Charles sat back. "I told you going there was a big mistake. You didn't listen to me."

"It was kind of cool."

"Kind of...cool?"

"She thinks I'm cool. She did have a gun, but, you know, big surprise."

"Did she threaten you with it?"

"Yeah, oh yeah. Yeah. But I think I explained that I make more, uh...you know."

"I know what?"

"People have more...stuff...in their balls...if they keep...making it." He buried his face in his waffle cone.

"Well, you're right about that. We'll keep an eye out for her, okay?"

"How's yours?" Nathan motioned to Charles's little cup of ice-cream.

"You want to try it?"

It was...vanilla. "My god, you are boring," Nathan announced.

Charles smiled slightly.

Murderface was walking around with a really big grin, which was fucking weird.

"Okie. Spill. Wut is it, big guy?"

"Nuh-uh. You're not gonna ruin thisch for me. I'm not tellin'."

But, that was Pickles, and later that day, he did tell Toki.

"I'm gonna get laid, by a, schuper schpecial fan!" he blurted out.

"Fors real? She could be jokin'. I don'ts knows abouts dis."

"Schince when did you schtart thinkin' the bottle was half empty? Look, it doeschn't matter what you think. She wantsch me. And sche's fuckin' hot."

"Cans I sees?"

"No you can't see!"

"Why nots?"

"Causche," he flushed slightly, "she said not to let anyone schee her naked picturesch but me!"

"Oh, okay. Well, maybes I says hi when she's here."

"Yeah! Yeah, you say hi, and that'll prove sche was here. That she's real. I mean, of coursche she would be."

"Rights, o' course. I hope she's nice. Maybe you could gets a girlfriends outa this."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselvesch." He couldn't help the smile on his face.

"Does anyone know why he's so damn happy?" Nathan snapped, annoyed.

"Nots me!" Toki exclaimed, shaking his head really hard. Everyone looked at him.

"Okie, Toki. What's goin' awn?"

"No! You can'ts make me spills. His confidentiapalsity is important."

"You can have some of my chips." Nathan waved the bag at him.

They were barbeque flavor.

"Really, a girls? What's is she like, Toki?" Skwisgaar asked.

"Honestlies, I don'ts know. Not even what she looks like. They're gonna keep emailin', and then we finds out ins a weeks or so."

"Should be interestin'," Pickles laughed.

"Shoulds be a disaster, ya," Skwisgaar said with a fond smile.

"I've had it with girls, for now. They're crazy," Nathan said.

"Especially one who'd want Merderface," Pickles joked. "We should have her checked out, maybe. Eh, but we'll let him fuck 'er first."

"Ya, fucks first."

"He eoined it," Toki said happily.

"Well, that's debatable," Nathan grunted. "But, yeah, let's stop talking about, you know, Murderface having sex."

Murderface hung up, grumbling. "Gollllly! Fuckin' Klokateersch can't do anything right, I schwear."

"What's wrongs? Is it abouts yous lady friends?"

"Yeah. You know what, you might as well come to the door with me. They don't wanna let her in. Don'tch they get how hard thisch is on me?"

Toki nodded sympathetically.

"That poor, nische woman, having to go through all thisch. It'sch pathetic. It's just sad. Someone schould be fired."

Toki nodded enthusiastically. "Fire all their asses. Bad klokateers what's cants do their job properlies make me mad."

"Me too, man," Murderface agreed.

They rounded a corner, and there she was, arms crossed, looking expectant. Toki stared at her hard for a moment. Some part of his mind seemed to recognize her. But, that didn't make any sense. She was just some lady.

Murderface tried to wave the Klokateers off. "I got this, guysch."

"Sire, we must warn you that we have been informed she is a very dangerous woman who is not to be trusted."

"What are you talking about? She'sch fine. Go away. Go...fuckin' clean Pickles's bathroom or schomethin'!"

"Sire?"

"Go or we fire your ass!" Toki yelled. He got upset when the Klokateers got mouthy.

When they were finally alone, the woman stepped forward, smiling slightly. "Nice to see you, Villiam."

"Villiam! I like that. Toki, I'd like you to meet Lavona," Murderface said. "She likes dogsch and taking long walksch down country roads, and hunting."

"Moideface!" Toki said suddenly. "That's no lady friend, that's a German whore!"

"TOKI! Toki, you don't say that about women! That'sch women."

"I recognize her! She was the ones what tries to take Nathin's balls!"

Murderface shook his head. "No. No, just causche you can't schtand to see something good happen to me, that doesn't mean I don't descherve to hang out with a fan. A cool one."

"I'm serious! I knocks her out and leaves her in de fire."

"Our fire? No. I wasch the fire schief."

"Yeahs, and she gots out! She's alives!"

Lavona swallowed hard. She was this far. She wouldn't be stopped again.

"Ask her where her burn on her face comes from."

"Fine, I will!" He turned to Lavona. "Lavona, schweetheart? Where did you get thosche burns on your face?"

"I tell you vare I got dem," she said softly, coaxing him closer. He leaned in. She pressed her lips to his ear. And screamed.

He screamed too, jerking away and holding his ears on reflex, and she ran. Toki took a moment to process what had just happened.

Murderface was still covering his ears when Toki tried to say, "She's gonna want Nathin's balls!" Toki knew he'd have to go after her alone. Toki made it to Nathan's room first, but Nathan wasn't in his room. "Fucks!" He exclaimed. If she did get his balls, the blame would fall on him and Murderface.

Nathan was sitting in the hot tub with his face glued to the screen of his laptop when Lavona poked her head in the door and looked around. She grinned broadly. She saw him, but he didn't see her. She had a rare opportunity. She decided to strip down and, completely naked but with a knife in her hand, she slid into the water.

Nathan grunted a greeting, and then glanced over at her, opening his mouth to speak. He screamed. This was not Skwisgaar. At all. He held his laptop up over his head. "Don't make me knock you out!" he said. "You'll drown."

"And do you care if I t'rown?"

"That would not look good for me," he pointed out. He glanced at her knife, which she simply held.

"Killing crazy vomen is Metal," she shrugged. "But so is my knife." She smirked.

He sat his laptop down in the water again, grumbling.

"Vat are you doing on your computer?"

"Looking at tits," he answered frankly. Then he looked at her, realizing she was naked. "But, since you're here, maybe I'll turn it off."

She preened a bit as he shut the laptop, setting it on the side of the hot tub.

"So why are you here anyway?" he asked her. "In my hot tub, with a knife? And tits?"

She shrugged again. "I dunno, Nai'sin. You are a simple man, I suppose. And I like the way you d'rust."

"But, I don't. I don't trust you."

She moved closer, resting against him.

"What...are you doing?"

She let her eyes close. She breathed in his scent. "You smell like I imagine't you woult," she informed him. She sighed.

He sat there stiffly. "I don't know you. This is making me really uncomfortable."

"You came to my house. Deal wid dis." Nathan guessed she kind of had a point. As long as this was all she did....

She didn't try anything else. She didn't try to cut off his balls. She didn't grope his chest. She just rested against him, naked. A couple minutes of silent resting later, and Toki burst through the door with armed Klokateers behind him.

She sat up calmly. "Here, you hol't." She handed her knife to Nathan and kissed his cheek. "You really do trus't me," she said, smiling slightly. "Dumb ox." She started to get out.

His tongue felt thick with uncertainty. "Lavona? What are you doing?"

"Turning myself into dem hoods." She shook the water off of herself.

His skin felt oddly cool in her absence. "What if I don't want to press charges? I mean, you didn't...do anything."

"I haff done plenty of things, Nai'sin." She moved over to her clothing, beginning to dress again.

"De hot ones are crazy," Toki reminded him. He didn't look pleased with Nathan. "She's dangerous!"

"Everybody, get out of here!" Nathan yelled. "Can't you see she's naaaked? I can't fuckin' hear myself thiiiiiiink! Go outside the door. I got this." He crossed his arms, still holding the knife. Lavona continued to dress.

The Klokateers slowly exited, but Toki tried one more time to reason with him. "She's a serpents with tits."

"HEY. You're the one who's always tryin' to convince us that people change. Rockso?"

Toki looked hard at the woman who was silently dressing. Maybe she really did have some twisted but almost normal feelings for Nathan? Toki sighed. "I don'ts haves to like this. Don't blame me if you aint's got balls. Yous on your own."

They were alone, and Lavona was slipping on her first shoe.

"You're leaving?"

"I shoult go, yes."

"So that's it? What the fuck, Lavona! You break in to...I don't knooooooooow?"

"I vanted to see vat it voult be like," she said vaguely.

"What what would...be like?"

She looked at him, adjusting her gun on her belt, but not removing it from the holster. "To be close to you."

Nathan frowned, seeming to shrink a bit, pouty and withdrawn. "And you don't like me after all. Yeah, I get it." His hair hung in front of his face, protecting him.

"Oh, Nai'sin. I don't like anyone," she murmured. "But I dislike you no more dan de rest."

They stared at each other for a long moment. He looked confused, and she looked sweetly regretful.

"Shoult I turn myself in?" she asked quietly. "I'm ready."

"No. No, you're free to go. Please. Don't do that." That would just make all this that much harder to process. She hadn't done anything, this time.

"Okay, den." She ran fingers through her hair, trying to get at the tangles. From its own small sheathe, she removed a black comb and began to comb her hair. "Can I haff my knife?"

"No." He pulled it closer to his chest, for reasons that were entirely lost on Lavona.

"Vy not?"

"Go out with me."

"Out vare?"

"On a...," he grumbled, "...on a date. And then you can have it."

Carefully, she nodded, expression blank. She slid the comb back into its sheathe. "Okay, vone tate for Nai'sin."

He slid the knife across the floor. "Toki can give you my number. We'll set something up."

"Nathan, you want to date her?" Charles looked completely at a loss.

"Yeah. So take her off the list of people...that can't be here."

Charles pushed his glasses up onto his nose further. "This is a horrible idea."

"People change."

"Not much."

"Charles, look, it's not up for negotiation. She's...special."

"Special enough to be institutionalized," Charles said lowly.

"You don't have to like it. You just do what I say!" Nathan said loudly. "I know you care about me. I get that. But I'm done discussing this with you."

Charles sighed. He was still upset about Nathan ignoring his warnings the last time. "How about like a probationary period?" he asked.

"I guess that could work. When you think she's proved...herself...she's good to go?"

"Good to stay."

"Right."

"And Nathan?" he called as Nathan turned to leave. "Wear a cup."

She was wearing a simple black dress with a red jeweled necklace that looked kind of like blood. She looked amazing. "Whoa," he said to himself as she approached the table.

Her face gave nothing away. Her stare was utterly empty. It was kind of unnerving, but then again, she was an unnerving person.

"Hey, glad you showed up," he said, smiling slightly. He was wearing a surprisingly nice button-down shirt and some black pants, and his hair was down like normal.

"I keep my vord."

"The paparazzi are gonna be all over your ass," he explained. "Unavoidable."

She slowly nodded, taking her seat. "I haff neffer been here. Vat do you recomment?"

Nathan carefully opened his menu, hiding behind it a bit as he offered some suggestions. This was so different from the last person he'd brought here. Rebecca had chastised him for ordering too much food, for not dressing nice enough, and hadn't wanted to have a conversation as much as just tell him all about her life with no reciprocation.

She ended up listening to his suggestions, and ordering the lasagna, which turned out to be really good, or at least she seemed to enjoy it. She loosened up a little as she ate. She didn't pick at her food like a bird. She shoveled it into her mouth and, somehow, that was pretty attractive. Nathan found himself watching her.

"Vat do you haff planned after dinner, Nai'sin?" she asked, meeting his gaze.

"Another one, some other time," he grinned.

She went all blank again. "I meant tonight."

"It's whatever," he explained. "I have some pretty cool movies back at Mordhaus, and then...hn...there's a place where we could just get out and walk around. We can golf. Do you like to golf?" She shrugged. "It's anything, I mean, I don't think you've had a date in a long time and, well, me too."

"Blonde bird voman?"

Nathan winced. "Yeah."

"I hert she vas a bitch."

He shrugged. Yeah, that was an accurate description.

"Did you push her?"

He shook his head. "NO!" he exclaimed. He bit his lip. It had been scary. Really, really scary.

"Good. I am a bitch too," she explained.

"I know. So, what is it you wanted to do?"

"Any udder night, I say golf. Tonight? Ve vatch moofie and cuttle."

"You cuddle?"

"Only de people I dislike de least." She curled her hair behind her ear. "Eat more foo't, big Nai'sin. Den ve go."

His boot may have found hers under the table. He pretended like it hadn't, and she did too. They both bit their lips.

They ran into Murderface, who glared at both of them. "Oh, thisch is nische," he commented. "No, don't worry about my feelingsch. Doesn't matter!"

"She's sorry," Nathan grunted, motioning toward his door. She opened the door, looking inside at Nathan Explosion's bedroom. She entered, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Nothing could make me stop seeing her short of, you know, things just not working out. So suck it up, that's all I can tell you. Wait...wait a second." He stared at Murderface's neck. "Is that a hickey, Murderface?"

Murderface's hand flew to his neck, covering up the spot. "What? Nothing. Hgn, it'sch...." He started running down the hallway in the opposite direction.

"Big baby!" Nathan called after him. Nathan suddenly had a moment of clarity where he realized that Murderface hadn't left Mordhaus. That meant something, something possibly gay. He shook his head. He didn't need to go there, with his mind. All he needed to do was cuddle with someone who would or would not prove herself throughout her probationary dating period.

They kicked off their shoes and curled up on the large bed. She fell asleep halfway through "Finding Nemo", and he stroked her hair, sniffing it. She smelled just like he imagined too.

As he walked Lavona out of the haus, he almost slipped on a pocket square. "OKAY," he demanded, "who the fuck left their...?" He trailed off. DK. That was Knubbler. With a disgusted yet intrigued expression on his face, he walked the rest of the distance to Murderface's bedroom, knocking on the door.

"WHAT?!" Murderface huffed, glaring at him.

"Did you drop something?" Nathan held up the blue pocket square.

"Yesch. It's mine! Get your pawsch off it." Murderface snatched it from him.

"What's DK stand for?" Nathan was wary of the answer. He knew it belonged to Knubbler. He wondered if the bassist would admit to the fact Knubbler had probably given him...those...hickeys. Ew.

"Donkey Kong." He crossed his arms. "Any other queschtions? Hey, I got one. Schtill have your ballsch?"

"Night, Murderface." Nathan headed back to Lavona's side.

"Don't tousch my stuff!" Murderface added.

"Yeah, that won't be a problem." Nathan shuddered. He turned to Lavona as Murderface shut his door. "Did you like the movie?"

"Ya. And not just de moofie." She smiled very softly, as if unused to doing it. She placed a hand on his shoulder. As soon as it was there, it was gone again. He walked her out. She kissed him on the cheek, and then she was gone until their next date.