FIC: RASHOMON (Mythklok WTF)
Title: Rashomon (Somewhere in the Mythklok AU)
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sariel and Raziel swap tall stories
Warnings: Slash-y AND Het-y. Also, AU, F-word, OCs and smoking.
Notes: Notes after the jump
So, sometimes I’ll get little bits of stories that kind of pop out and write themselves. That happened yesterday, and I wondered WTF was going on with the Giant Plot Bunny in the Sky.
Then I got home and some people had done these mind-blowing arts. I mean, fucking amazing arts.
And I was all, OK, I think this is my gift back to CLDK for The Awesome, approximately 3,000 words of PURE BATSHIT INSANE.
Some background: Charles is a Fallen angel who used to go by the name of Sariel. Raziel is an old acquaintance from Angel Days who likes to stab stuff. Oh, and also, for the purposes of this AU, I have decided Pickles is bi (he used to be in a HAIR BAND, I mean, c’mon) and it’s implied he’s been carrying on a sort of on and off affair with Charles. Nathan is definitely straight. (Sigh.)
I’m not 100% sure where this fits in my timeline. There are a couple of tiny things that refer to the continuity, but you’ll see. And, yeah, I am working on a couple of things that actually advance the plot. Promise.
Oh, and one last thing, if you haven’t seen Rashomon, you should. Here’s an image of Toshiro Mifune looking totally hot:
RASHOMON (Mythklok, wherever)
“I understand, Dick. You should take as much time as you need. But…. Yes, yes, I’d like to see the Planet Piss album out, but…. It’s just, the record company is…. But, isn’t this taking a extraordinarily long time just to get a bass line? I mean, can’t you use Pro Tools or something?”
Raziel and Pickles breezed into Ofdensen's office, and came to stand behind him.
He replaced the phone with a sigh.
"I don't suppose if I asked you guys what the fuck I'd get any kind of rational answer, correct?"
"Jacket," Raziel told him.
"What?"
"I need your jacket off."
"Raziel, please, I just had this fitted...."
She leaned over and said softly, "I'm showing Pickles shiatsu. Deep tissue neck massage."
And he was out of the jacket.
"See, Pickles?” Raziel was saying just a bit later. “Like this, and like this. No, press harder. He gets really tense."
“Right there!” Ofdensen’s eyes were actually rolling up in his head. “Oh, yes, right exactly there.”
“Goddammit, how did your neck get so disharmonious?” Raziel scolded. “You’ve got chi going all over the fucking place.”
"Could you guys just maybe go ahead and do this for the next six months?" Ofdensen still had no idea what they were up to, but he found he just no longer cared.
"Well….” Raziel said. “I could walk on your back, but I wouldn't wanna get your nice and obviously expensive new shirt dirty."
"I'll take it off! I’ll take it off.”
Behind the disrobing Ofdensen’s back, Raziel grinned at Pickles, who glared at her, obviously annoyed.
She kicked off her Jimmy Choos and walked expertly up and down the now prone Ofdensen’s back. “Now, I don’t think you should do this, Pickles, as you might be too heavy.”
Pickles sat down cross-legged on the floor, next to Dethklok’s manager, apparently listening. "Motherdouchebag! Is he... Purring?" he finally said, disbelieving.
She hopped off and listened. "I think that qualifies as a moan."
"Yeah, yeah." Pickles looked at his watch. “Fuck! You win.” He reluctantly pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket and gave it to her.
"Hee. See you this weekend." She waved the bills and disappeared.
"What was that about?" Ofdensen asked pleasantly, crawling around his desk to find the jacket with the pocket wherein hid the cigarettes.
“It was a bet,” Pickles grumbled, sullenly falling back into a guest chair.
“What kinda bet?” asked Ofdensen, leaning way back in his chair and blowing smoke. He had his feet up on his desk. He decided he didn’t want to work, ever ever again. He would now smoke cigarettes for a living.
“She bet me she could have you outta da chair, half naked, on da floor, moaning wit’ pleasure, in less dan 10 minutes.”
To Pickles’ immense surprised, Ofdensen laughed so hard, he choked on his cigarette.
“What the fuck is going on in here?” Nathan demanded, barging into the office.
“Lost a bet,” Pickles grumbled.
“The first rule of Raziel,” Ofdensen was saying, desperately trying to catch his breath, “is don’t gamble with Raziel. The SECOND rule of Raziel is, don’t gamble with Raziel.”
“So, invitin’ her to da poker party wuz a bad idea?”
Ofdensen laughed and coughed so hard he literally fell out of his chair, choking.
Nathan and Pickles stood looking over the desk.
“What the fuck?” Nathan repeated.
“Raziel was givin’ him a neck massage.”
“AND YOU DIDN’T CALL ME IN?”
“She wasn’t takin’ off her clothes. Only him,” Pickles said, pointing to the desk.
“Why would I wanna see him without his clothes? Ew,” Nathan growled.
Ofdensen had managed to climb back into his chair, still laughing and out of breath. “Pickles! Raziel cheats! She thinks you’re cheating if you don’t let her cheat! Oh god. We used to get into such bad trouble when she gambled. I could tell you stories…..”
He looked up. Nathan and Pickles were both now sitting down, looking at him expectantly.
“What?”
“You’re gonna tell us a story now, right?” Nathan asked.
“I have shit to do! Important shit!” Nathan and Pickles both blinked at him. “But, um, my neck feels really good, and I can’t fucking remember what I was supposed to do. OK, OK, one story.”
Sariel sat at the inn, contentedly quaffing a beer.
Raziel came skipping in. “Hi Little Brother! Do you wanna go visit the happy rainbow ponies? They’re cute, like me!”
“Nah. I’d rather sit here and quaff beer.”
“Oh. OK! Did I mention I’m really cute?”
“Yeah, I always look forward to our philosophical conversations, Raziel.”
“Uhhhh, I dunno, dude,” Nathan said. “That isn’t quite what Raziel sounds like. To me.”
“I’m sorry, it’s not physically possible for me to make my voice sound brainless enough for Raziel.”
“Uhhhh…. And what the fuck is quaffing anyway? Why didn’t you just drink the fucking beer.”
“Because it’s a fucking story and in a fucking story you fucking quaff beer. Are you guys gonna fucking listen?”
Pickles and Nathan nodded obediently.
Just then a really tall stupid-looking guy rode up to the Inn. “I’ve been looking for you, Lady Raziel, because I’m a good-looking idiot and I think you’ll sleep with me if I hang around and pose heroically.”
“Your reputation precedes you, Raziel,” Sariel told her.
“But first could you guys come and help my village? We’re being plagued by the green dragon! And, I’m really tall and stuff, but really pretty fucking useless.”
“We’ve gotta help his village, Sariel! Because, the story touches my heart! Plus, he’s sort of cute.”
“Yeah, yeah. Can I at least finish quaffing my damn beer first?”
“No! For we must away!”
“Yeah. I was afraid of that….”
And so they rode forth to the stupid guy’s village. Where, big surprise, everyone else was stupid too.
“Alas we are plagued by the green dragon, and know not what to do!” whined a village elder.
"Had you guys thought about, I dunno, maybe just killing the fucking thing?" Sariel grumbled.
"Oh, Sariel, you are so brilliant as well as dryly witty!” Raziel said. “It's too bad I'm too much of a bubblehead to recognize this!"
“Wait, so, she would tell you she's too dumb to get your jokes?" Nathan asked suspiciously.
"Uh, yes. Yes she would, Nathan.”
Nathan's eyes narrowed. "So how did she know you were joking if she didn't know you were joking?"
“Well, she would…. Uh…. Is this your fucking story or my fucking story?”
So Raziel and Sariel went forth to slay the green dragon. Which, really, hadn’t been doing Sariel any harm, but he just wanted to go back to his damn beer.
Raziel raised her sword. “Hey, Sariel, lookit me! Doesn’t this pose look really badass?”
“Uh, Raziel, you need to look behind you!”
And the green dragon flicked its mighty tail at her.
"Ooo, I broke a fingernail, poor me, what shall I do?” Raziel worried. “Now I’m not as cute as I was, though I’m still really, really cute!"
“Raziel. You honestly can’t fight a fucking dragon with a broken fingernail?”
“Well, I could, but it ruins my ensemble!”
“Look, how about this? I’ll go cut its fucking head off, and then you can go sleep with Mr. Idiot, and I can go back to quaffing beer?”
“But, WHAT ABOUT MY FINGERNAIL?”
“I think I saw a manicurist's shop back in the village.”
“Oh! You think they do waxing too? It’s been a while since I’ve done my legs, and I really wanna bone that tall guy.”
“Have you looked at that guy? I really doubt he’s gonna care about stubble.”
And so Sariel went forth to slay the green dragon….
Some days later, Raziel sat and squinted at her cards. And then she squinted at Pickles.
“Yer not cheatin’, are ya dood?” he inquired.
“WHAT?”
“Charles told us you CHEAT!” Nathan declared.
“Well. Yeah. So?”
“He said you used to get IN TROUBLE. He told us about the GREEN DRAGON!”
“Oh, yeah! The green dragon! That’s a good story! I went to True Form and popped its head off. Snick!” She mimed slicing through something with a sword.
“Snick?”
“Yeah. My fights usually don’t last too long.”
“But Charles told us he killed the green dragon,” Nathan insisted.
“Oh he did not.”
“Troo dood. ’Cause ya broke a nail.”
“Well, I did ruin my manicure!” She frowned at her fingernails. “Maybe I need to tell this story. I don’t think he told it right.”
Sariel stood on the battlement, brooding, his long silver hair blowing dramatically in the wind.
"Wait, I thought his hair was normal colored when you guys were out?" Nathan boomed.
"Well, um, yeah. But, it was attractively touseled! And, um, he wore a really becoming open collar...."
"What the fuck was he brooding about?" Nathan persisted.
"He was tortured!"
"Yeah?" About what?"
"Deep, deep, I dunno, brood-y torture-y things! Anyway, let me tell my story!
Sariel stood on the battlement, brooding, his not terribly long hair nevertheless attractively touseled by the wind. He had many, deep tortured thoughts of broodingness.
Lady Raziel approached him, he hair also blowing attractively in the wind, plus she was wearing an especially cute outfit.
“Sariel! The People of the Valley are trouble by the Green Dragon! Shall we bravely ride to their rescue?”
“Well, I’d like to, fair Raziel, but alas, I am quite busy at the present moment!”
“Busy? What do you have to do?”
“Well, I’ve got some more brooding to do, and they I have to be tortured for a while, and then I need to put in some pouting time.”
“He’s pouting? What a douche.”
“Shhh!”
“Why don’t you run off and defeat the Green Dragon yourself, brave Lady Raziel! For you are brave and awesome and stylish, plus you have really cute new boots, that go very well with that outfit, but do not overwhelm it! You will restore the faith of the people!”
“Wait, Charles said you went to slay the Green Dragon together!” Nathan asked.
“Oh, he never could tell a story right.”
Just then, a group of terribly attractive village men, all with really long, shiny and manageable hair, all rode up to Lady Raziel.
“Oh, Lady Raziel, we are sorry that Sariel is off brooding and being tortured and stuff, but you are so cute, we decided we will ride with you help you slay the green dragon.”
“But Charles said there was only one dude,” Nathan commented suspiciously.
“Well, of course not! I’m especially cute in this story, there can’t be just one man.”
And so the attractive men with nice long hair and Raziel went to confront the terrible green dragon. The first man went to confront the dragon, but alas, strayed too close to its terrible claws! The beast struck, and the terribly attractive man’s shirt was torn off, to reveal a well-muscled torso.
And then the next villager….
“Wait!” said Nathan. Why don’t they all just attack the dragon together?”
“That wouldn’t be very sporting, would it? There’s only one dragon, and lots and lots and lots and lots of attractive men! Plus, they need to show off for me, and I’m really cute in this story - have I mentioned that?
“Uhhhh, yeah, a couple times….”
And the terrible monster tore the next terribly attractive man's shirt right off, to reveal a well-muscled torso.
“Wait,” Nathan demanded, “didn't the last dude also get his shirt torn off?”
“Oh, yes,” Raziel assured him, “this kind of thing happens all the time! Shirts torn right off to revealed, gleaming, well muscled torsos.” She started to get a sort of far off gleam in her eyes.
"I dunno dude, sounds kinda gay."
"Oh! That’s a good idea. Did you want them to make out for a bit maybe?" Raziel asked.
"Uhhhhhh..."
"Hum. Exactly how good lookin' are dese doods?" Pickles asked, considering.
"They're pretty hot. And with shiny, very manageable hair."
"Mebbe just a little?"
And so the terribly attractive but now shirtless village dudes, no doubt overcome by the excitement of fighting the green dragon, began to make out in a passionate but manly manner.
"Hey, I know dood, what about Sariel?" Pickles proposed.
"Shirt on or off?"
"Definitely off"
“OK, but his torso isn’t as well-muscled, ‘cause he’s sort of too skinny.”
"Wait!” Nathan shouted. “How the FUCK would that guy lose his shirt? I thought he was off brooding and shit?"
"I dunno maybe he tore it on a nail,” Raziel answered. “Stuff like that happens!"
“THIS STORY IS GETTING TOO GAY!” Nathan boomed.
“Dunno, dood, what if dere were hot chicks?” Pickles proposed.
“Oh, uh, I guess that would be OK,” Nathan agreed.
“Huh. Maybe you should tell that bit, Pickles?” Raziel asked.
“Sure dood!”
The green dragon snarled. And, flapped its wing things. And also whipped its tail around. It was holding prisoner in its nest two beautiful maidens. No, actually, three beautiful maidens. No, what the hell, let’s make it six beautiful maidens! Each with tits bigger than the other!!
“Oh, fair captives, I like this story already!” Raziel enthused.
“Uh, how is Pickles telling this though?” Nathan wondered. “He wasn’t there.”
“Dood, yoo don’t like stories about maidens wit’ big tits?” Pickles demanded.
“Well, uh…. OK, go on.”
And so the next village dude came up to confront the terrible green dragon. And he was the best looking yet, with flowing red hair and sparkling green eyes. And he told the maidens, “Don’t worry chicks! I’ll save ya!” And they were all totally grateful, so they started making out with him and giving him blow jobs….”
“Wait just a FUCKING MINUTE!” Nathan boomed. “Isn’t anyone gonna KILL THE FUCKING DRAGON?”
“OK, why don’t you tell us that part, Nathan?” Raziel asked.
“What? Me? Eh, what the fuck….”
So, yeah, another dude rode up, and he was definitely the most awesome yet, and he rode a big fucking horse and he carried a big fucking badass sword. And he told Lady Raziel, “Don’t worry, Raziel chick, ‘cause not more bullshit or pouting or all that crap, I’m just gonna kill the fucking thing.”
And lady Raziel is all, “Oh, thank you, kind sir, as I can no longer fight the dragon, as I seem to have lost my shirt….”
“WHAT?” screamed Raziel.
“Well, all the dudes were losing their shirts…”
“I DO NOT LOSE MY SHIRT FIGHTING DRAGONS!”
“OK, OK, OK...
So, Lady Raziel was all, “Oh, thank you, kind sir, as I seem to have gotten dunked in the river, and now my clothes are ALL WET and you can totally see my….”
“What the FUCK are you guys talking about?” Ofdensen asked.
“I’m telling them the story of the green dragon!” Raziel told him.
“And I suppose there’s a reasonable explanation for why Nathan is telling the story?”
“You totally messed it up!” Raziel declared. “You obviously didn’t tell them about all of my cute outfits, or any of the attractive men.”
“Or all da brooding!” Pickles reminded him.
“Yeah, dude, you gotta quit the fucking brooding,” Nathan told him. “You’re like a chick or something.”
"I DON'T BROOD! I’m always in a GOOD FUCKING MOOD!” Ofdensen sat down at the table. “OK, what part have you gotten to.”
“Where Nathan kills the green dragon!”
“How the fuck does Nathan kill the green dragon?”
“I have a big badass sword!”
“And, I’m makin’ out wit’ da chicks, and I t’ink you’re off pouting or somethin’.”
“He was posing on the battlements with his long silver hair flowing in the wind.”
“Raziel! You know perfectly fucking well I have never had my hair long because I’d look like a fucking douche bag.”
“Aw! You wanna go help Nathan kill the dragon? It’s almost the end of the story!”
“I dunno, can I just fucking quaff my beer in peace?”
“Sure! OK….”
And so, while everybody was fucking around, the green dragon died peacefully in his sleep of old age. So, Pickles got to keep making out with the cute chicks, and Nathan got even more cute chicks, which I haven’t mentioned before, but they were there, and Raziel got a really nice, good quality manicure that made her cuticles glow, and Sariel found another battlement where he could let his long attractive silver hair flow in the wind but this time he had plenty of beer so maybe he was not quite as pouty.
“But, uh….” Nathan started.
“What, Nathan?”
“Uh, what exactly did that story have to do with GAMBLING?”
Raziel and Ofdensen looked at each other.
“Oh, yeah, dood,” Pickles said. “I t’ought dis was supposed t’ be about how Raz got ya in trouble gamblin’?”
“Huh,” Raziel said.
Ofdensen scratched his head. “Maybe we were thinking of another story?”
“Oh, cool, another story!” Raziel agreed.
“Raziel? You gonna answer that FUCKING PHONE?” Nathan asked irritably.
“That can’t be my phone,” said Raziel, squinting at her cards.
“Isn’t dat da intro t’ Little Wing?” Pickles asked.
“But the battery is dead.”
“You really need to remember to keep that fucking thing charged,” Ofdensen muttered.
She pulled out her cell phone and frowned at it. “What the fuck….” She put it to her ear and got up from the table, plugging one ear.
“Hello? Hello?” She appeared to be listening for a time.
“Morningstar? Is that you?"
"Whoa," said Nathan.
Author: tikistitch
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sariel and Raziel swap tall stories
Warnings: Slash-y AND Het-y. Also, AU, F-word, OCs and smoking.
Notes: Notes after the jump
So, sometimes I’ll get little bits of stories that kind of pop out and write themselves. That happened yesterday, and I wondered WTF was going on with the Giant Plot Bunny in the Sky.
Then I got home and some people had done these mind-blowing arts. I mean, fucking amazing arts.
And I was all, OK, I think this is my gift back to CLDK for The Awesome, approximately 3,000 words of PURE BATSHIT INSANE.
Some background: Charles is a Fallen angel who used to go by the name of Sariel. Raziel is an old acquaintance from Angel Days who likes to stab stuff. Oh, and also, for the purposes of this AU, I have decided Pickles is bi (he used to be in a HAIR BAND, I mean, c’mon) and it’s implied he’s been carrying on a sort of on and off affair with Charles. Nathan is definitely straight. (Sigh.)
I’m not 100% sure where this fits in my timeline. There are a couple of tiny things that refer to the continuity, but you’ll see. And, yeah, I am working on a couple of things that actually advance the plot. Promise.
Oh, and one last thing, if you haven’t seen Rashomon, you should. Here’s an image of Toshiro Mifune looking totally hot:
RASHOMON (Mythklok, wherever)
“I understand, Dick. You should take as much time as you need. But…. Yes, yes, I’d like to see the Planet Piss album out, but…. It’s just, the record company is…. But, isn’t this taking a extraordinarily long time just to get a bass line? I mean, can’t you use Pro Tools or something?”
Raziel and Pickles breezed into Ofdensen's office, and came to stand behind him.
He replaced the phone with a sigh.
"I don't suppose if I asked you guys what the fuck I'd get any kind of rational answer, correct?"
"Jacket," Raziel told him.
"What?"
"I need your jacket off."
"Raziel, please, I just had this fitted...."
She leaned over and said softly, "I'm showing Pickles shiatsu. Deep tissue neck massage."
And he was out of the jacket.
"See, Pickles?” Raziel was saying just a bit later. “Like this, and like this. No, press harder. He gets really tense."
“Right there!” Ofdensen’s eyes were actually rolling up in his head. “Oh, yes, right exactly there.”
“Goddammit, how did your neck get so disharmonious?” Raziel scolded. “You’ve got chi going all over the fucking place.”
"Could you guys just maybe go ahead and do this for the next six months?" Ofdensen still had no idea what they were up to, but he found he just no longer cared.
"Well….” Raziel said. “I could walk on your back, but I wouldn't wanna get your nice and obviously expensive new shirt dirty."
"I'll take it off! I’ll take it off.”
Behind the disrobing Ofdensen’s back, Raziel grinned at Pickles, who glared at her, obviously annoyed.
She kicked off her Jimmy Choos and walked expertly up and down the now prone Ofdensen’s back. “Now, I don’t think you should do this, Pickles, as you might be too heavy.”
Pickles sat down cross-legged on the floor, next to Dethklok’s manager, apparently listening. "Motherdouchebag! Is he... Purring?" he finally said, disbelieving.
She hopped off and listened. "I think that qualifies as a moan."
"Yeah, yeah." Pickles looked at his watch. “Fuck! You win.” He reluctantly pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket and gave it to her.
"Hee. See you this weekend." She waved the bills and disappeared.
"What was that about?" Ofdensen asked pleasantly, crawling around his desk to find the jacket with the pocket wherein hid the cigarettes.
“It was a bet,” Pickles grumbled, sullenly falling back into a guest chair.
“What kinda bet?” asked Ofdensen, leaning way back in his chair and blowing smoke. He had his feet up on his desk. He decided he didn’t want to work, ever ever again. He would now smoke cigarettes for a living.
“She bet me she could have you outta da chair, half naked, on da floor, moaning wit’ pleasure, in less dan 10 minutes.”
To Pickles’ immense surprised, Ofdensen laughed so hard, he choked on his cigarette.
“What the fuck is going on in here?” Nathan demanded, barging into the office.
“Lost a bet,” Pickles grumbled.
“The first rule of Raziel,” Ofdensen was saying, desperately trying to catch his breath, “is don’t gamble with Raziel. The SECOND rule of Raziel is, don’t gamble with Raziel.”
“So, invitin’ her to da poker party wuz a bad idea?”
Ofdensen laughed and coughed so hard he literally fell out of his chair, choking.
Nathan and Pickles stood looking over the desk.
“What the fuck?” Nathan repeated.
“Raziel was givin’ him a neck massage.”
“AND YOU DIDN’T CALL ME IN?”
“She wasn’t takin’ off her clothes. Only him,” Pickles said, pointing to the desk.
“Why would I wanna see him without his clothes? Ew,” Nathan growled.
Ofdensen had managed to climb back into his chair, still laughing and out of breath. “Pickles! Raziel cheats! She thinks you’re cheating if you don’t let her cheat! Oh god. We used to get into such bad trouble when she gambled. I could tell you stories…..”
He looked up. Nathan and Pickles were both now sitting down, looking at him expectantly.
“What?”
“You’re gonna tell us a story now, right?” Nathan asked.
“I have shit to do! Important shit!” Nathan and Pickles both blinked at him. “But, um, my neck feels really good, and I can’t fucking remember what I was supposed to do. OK, OK, one story.”
Sariel sat at the inn, contentedly quaffing a beer.
Raziel came skipping in. “Hi Little Brother! Do you wanna go visit the happy rainbow ponies? They’re cute, like me!”
“Nah. I’d rather sit here and quaff beer.”
“Oh. OK! Did I mention I’m really cute?”
“Yeah, I always look forward to our philosophical conversations, Raziel.”
“Uhhhh, I dunno, dude,” Nathan said. “That isn’t quite what Raziel sounds like. To me.”
“I’m sorry, it’s not physically possible for me to make my voice sound brainless enough for Raziel.”
“Uhhhh…. And what the fuck is quaffing anyway? Why didn’t you just drink the fucking beer.”
“Because it’s a fucking story and in a fucking story you fucking quaff beer. Are you guys gonna fucking listen?”
Pickles and Nathan nodded obediently.
Just then a really tall stupid-looking guy rode up to the Inn. “I’ve been looking for you, Lady Raziel, because I’m a good-looking idiot and I think you’ll sleep with me if I hang around and pose heroically.”
“Your reputation precedes you, Raziel,” Sariel told her.
“But first could you guys come and help my village? We’re being plagued by the green dragon! And, I’m really tall and stuff, but really pretty fucking useless.”
“We’ve gotta help his village, Sariel! Because, the story touches my heart! Plus, he’s sort of cute.”
“Yeah, yeah. Can I at least finish quaffing my damn beer first?”
“No! For we must away!”
“Yeah. I was afraid of that….”
And so they rode forth to the stupid guy’s village. Where, big surprise, everyone else was stupid too.
“Alas we are plagued by the green dragon, and know not what to do!” whined a village elder.
"Had you guys thought about, I dunno, maybe just killing the fucking thing?" Sariel grumbled.
"Oh, Sariel, you are so brilliant as well as dryly witty!” Raziel said. “It's too bad I'm too much of a bubblehead to recognize this!"
“Wait, so, she would tell you she's too dumb to get your jokes?" Nathan asked suspiciously.
"Uh, yes. Yes she would, Nathan.”
Nathan's eyes narrowed. "So how did she know you were joking if she didn't know you were joking?"
“Well, she would…. Uh…. Is this your fucking story or my fucking story?”
So Raziel and Sariel went forth to slay the green dragon. Which, really, hadn’t been doing Sariel any harm, but he just wanted to go back to his damn beer.
Raziel raised her sword. “Hey, Sariel, lookit me! Doesn’t this pose look really badass?”
“Uh, Raziel, you need to look behind you!”
And the green dragon flicked its mighty tail at her.
"Ooo, I broke a fingernail, poor me, what shall I do?” Raziel worried. “Now I’m not as cute as I was, though I’m still really, really cute!"
“Raziel. You honestly can’t fight a fucking dragon with a broken fingernail?”
“Well, I could, but it ruins my ensemble!”
“Look, how about this? I’ll go cut its fucking head off, and then you can go sleep with Mr. Idiot, and I can go back to quaffing beer?”
“But, WHAT ABOUT MY FINGERNAIL?”
“I think I saw a manicurist's shop back in the village.”
“Oh! You think they do waxing too? It’s been a while since I’ve done my legs, and I really wanna bone that tall guy.”
“Have you looked at that guy? I really doubt he’s gonna care about stubble.”
And so Sariel went forth to slay the green dragon….
Some days later, Raziel sat and squinted at her cards. And then she squinted at Pickles.
“Yer not cheatin’, are ya dood?” he inquired.
“WHAT?”
“Charles told us you CHEAT!” Nathan declared.
“Well. Yeah. So?”
“He said you used to get IN TROUBLE. He told us about the GREEN DRAGON!”
“Oh, yeah! The green dragon! That’s a good story! I went to True Form and popped its head off. Snick!” She mimed slicing through something with a sword.
“Snick?”
“Yeah. My fights usually don’t last too long.”
“But Charles told us he killed the green dragon,” Nathan insisted.
“Oh he did not.”
“Troo dood. ’Cause ya broke a nail.”
“Well, I did ruin my manicure!” She frowned at her fingernails. “Maybe I need to tell this story. I don’t think he told it right.”
Sariel stood on the battlement, brooding, his long silver hair blowing dramatically in the wind.
"Wait, I thought his hair was normal colored when you guys were out?" Nathan boomed.
"Well, um, yeah. But, it was attractively touseled! And, um, he wore a really becoming open collar...."
"What the fuck was he brooding about?" Nathan persisted.
"He was tortured!"
"Yeah?" About what?"
"Deep, deep, I dunno, brood-y torture-y things! Anyway, let me tell my story!
Sariel stood on the battlement, brooding, his not terribly long hair nevertheless attractively touseled by the wind. He had many, deep tortured thoughts of broodingness.
Lady Raziel approached him, he hair also blowing attractively in the wind, plus she was wearing an especially cute outfit.
“Sariel! The People of the Valley are trouble by the Green Dragon! Shall we bravely ride to their rescue?”
“Well, I’d like to, fair Raziel, but alas, I am quite busy at the present moment!”
“Busy? What do you have to do?”
“Well, I’ve got some more brooding to do, and they I have to be tortured for a while, and then I need to put in some pouting time.”
“He’s pouting? What a douche.”
“Shhh!”
“Why don’t you run off and defeat the Green Dragon yourself, brave Lady Raziel! For you are brave and awesome and stylish, plus you have really cute new boots, that go very well with that outfit, but do not overwhelm it! You will restore the faith of the people!”
“Wait, Charles said you went to slay the Green Dragon together!” Nathan asked.
“Oh, he never could tell a story right.”
Just then, a group of terribly attractive village men, all with really long, shiny and manageable hair, all rode up to Lady Raziel.
“Oh, Lady Raziel, we are sorry that Sariel is off brooding and being tortured and stuff, but you are so cute, we decided we will ride with you help you slay the green dragon.”
“But Charles said there was only one dude,” Nathan commented suspiciously.
“Well, of course not! I’m especially cute in this story, there can’t be just one man.”
And so the attractive men with nice long hair and Raziel went to confront the terrible green dragon. The first man went to confront the dragon, but alas, strayed too close to its terrible claws! The beast struck, and the terribly attractive man’s shirt was torn off, to reveal a well-muscled torso.
And then the next villager….
“Wait!” said Nathan. Why don’t they all just attack the dragon together?”
“That wouldn’t be very sporting, would it? There’s only one dragon, and lots and lots and lots and lots of attractive men! Plus, they need to show off for me, and I’m really cute in this story - have I mentioned that?
“Uhhhh, yeah, a couple times….”
And the terrible monster tore the next terribly attractive man's shirt right off, to reveal a well-muscled torso.
“Wait,” Nathan demanded, “didn't the last dude also get his shirt torn off?”
“Oh, yes,” Raziel assured him, “this kind of thing happens all the time! Shirts torn right off to revealed, gleaming, well muscled torsos.” She started to get a sort of far off gleam in her eyes.
"I dunno dude, sounds kinda gay."
"Oh! That’s a good idea. Did you want them to make out for a bit maybe?" Raziel asked.
"Uhhhhhh..."
"Hum. Exactly how good lookin' are dese doods?" Pickles asked, considering.
"They're pretty hot. And with shiny, very manageable hair."
"Mebbe just a little?"
And so the terribly attractive but now shirtless village dudes, no doubt overcome by the excitement of fighting the green dragon, began to make out in a passionate but manly manner.
"Hey, I know dood, what about Sariel?" Pickles proposed.
"Shirt on or off?"
"Definitely off"
“OK, but his torso isn’t as well-muscled, ‘cause he’s sort of too skinny.”
"Wait!” Nathan shouted. “How the FUCK would that guy lose his shirt? I thought he was off brooding and shit?"
"I dunno maybe he tore it on a nail,” Raziel answered. “Stuff like that happens!"
“THIS STORY IS GETTING TOO GAY!” Nathan boomed.
“Dunno, dood, what if dere were hot chicks?” Pickles proposed.
“Oh, uh, I guess that would be OK,” Nathan agreed.
“Huh. Maybe you should tell that bit, Pickles?” Raziel asked.
“Sure dood!”
The green dragon snarled. And, flapped its wing things. And also whipped its tail around. It was holding prisoner in its nest two beautiful maidens. No, actually, three beautiful maidens. No, what the hell, let’s make it six beautiful maidens! Each with tits bigger than the other!!
“Oh, fair captives, I like this story already!” Raziel enthused.
“Uh, how is Pickles telling this though?” Nathan wondered. “He wasn’t there.”
“Dood, yoo don’t like stories about maidens wit’ big tits?” Pickles demanded.
“Well, uh…. OK, go on.”
And so the next village dude came up to confront the terrible green dragon. And he was the best looking yet, with flowing red hair and sparkling green eyes. And he told the maidens, “Don’t worry chicks! I’ll save ya!” And they were all totally grateful, so they started making out with him and giving him blow jobs….”
“Wait just a FUCKING MINUTE!” Nathan boomed. “Isn’t anyone gonna KILL THE FUCKING DRAGON?”
“OK, why don’t you tell us that part, Nathan?” Raziel asked.
“What? Me? Eh, what the fuck….”
So, yeah, another dude rode up, and he was definitely the most awesome yet, and he rode a big fucking horse and he carried a big fucking badass sword. And he told Lady Raziel, “Don’t worry, Raziel chick, ‘cause not more bullshit or pouting or all that crap, I’m just gonna kill the fucking thing.”
And lady Raziel is all, “Oh, thank you, kind sir, as I can no longer fight the dragon, as I seem to have lost my shirt….”
“WHAT?” screamed Raziel.
“Well, all the dudes were losing their shirts…”
“I DO NOT LOSE MY SHIRT FIGHTING DRAGONS!”
“OK, OK, OK...
So, Lady Raziel was all, “Oh, thank you, kind sir, as I seem to have gotten dunked in the river, and now my clothes are ALL WET and you can totally see my….”
“What the FUCK are you guys talking about?” Ofdensen asked.
“I’m telling them the story of the green dragon!” Raziel told him.
“And I suppose there’s a reasonable explanation for why Nathan is telling the story?”
“You totally messed it up!” Raziel declared. “You obviously didn’t tell them about all of my cute outfits, or any of the attractive men.”
“Or all da brooding!” Pickles reminded him.
“Yeah, dude, you gotta quit the fucking brooding,” Nathan told him. “You’re like a chick or something.”
"I DON'T BROOD! I’m always in a GOOD FUCKING MOOD!” Ofdensen sat down at the table. “OK, what part have you gotten to.”
“Where Nathan kills the green dragon!”
“How the fuck does Nathan kill the green dragon?”
“I have a big badass sword!”
“And, I’m makin’ out wit’ da chicks, and I t’ink you’re off pouting or somethin’.”
“He was posing on the battlements with his long silver hair flowing in the wind.”
“Raziel! You know perfectly fucking well I have never had my hair long because I’d look like a fucking douche bag.”
“Aw! You wanna go help Nathan kill the dragon? It’s almost the end of the story!”
“I dunno, can I just fucking quaff my beer in peace?”
“Sure! OK….”
And so, while everybody was fucking around, the green dragon died peacefully in his sleep of old age. So, Pickles got to keep making out with the cute chicks, and Nathan got even more cute chicks, which I haven’t mentioned before, but they were there, and Raziel got a really nice, good quality manicure that made her cuticles glow, and Sariel found another battlement where he could let his long attractive silver hair flow in the wind but this time he had plenty of beer so maybe he was not quite as pouty.
“But, uh….” Nathan started.
“What, Nathan?”
“Uh, what exactly did that story have to do with GAMBLING?”
Raziel and Ofdensen looked at each other.
“Oh, yeah, dood,” Pickles said. “I t’ought dis was supposed t’ be about how Raz got ya in trouble gamblin’?”
“Huh,” Raziel said.
Ofdensen scratched his head. “Maybe we were thinking of another story?”
“Oh, cool, another story!” Raziel agreed.
“Raziel? You gonna answer that FUCKING PHONE?” Nathan asked irritably.
“That can’t be my phone,” said Raziel, squinting at her cards.
“Isn’t dat da intro t’ Little Wing?” Pickles asked.
“But the battery is dead.”
“You really need to remember to keep that fucking thing charged,” Ofdensen muttered.
She pulled out her cell phone and frowned at it. “What the fuck….” She put it to her ear and got up from the table, plugging one ear.
“Hello? Hello?” She appeared to be listening for a time.
“Morningstar? Is that you?"
"Whoa," said Nathan.