Calling marlenem up to bat. (Part 3)
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Title: Chasing Dreams
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Wordcount: 17 021
Rating: PG-13
Genre/Warning: Angst/ Psychological/ Romance
Notes: Dear
marlenem, I hope you like this :) As you will see, once you start reading, I tried to incorporate a few of your preferences into one thing :D Hopefully, that didn't turn out too badly lol XD Also, thank you to my beta for all her help with this fic :) My struggle to be a perfectionist while writing this fic probably annoyed her too many times to count :)
Summary: They pretend for now, like perfect fools in love, that life is perfect.
--
They weren't always so strong.
Strong is how Kazuya sees them now, as compared to early on in their relationship, when he felt so unsure about the future. Now, he's still unsure, but at least it's not because of the relationship. Now, he's unsure about the future despite their relationship, and that makes all the difference.
Kazuya can't sleep so he spends the hours leading to dawn watching Ryo and reminiscing about old times, good and bad.
It wasn't like Ryo had found out about his condition, and in a show of extreme courage and selflessness, had decided to stay with Kazuya. It took a while before Ryo came to terms with what was needed to handle Kazuya's condition on a daily basis; the fact that Kazuya himself had no idea how to handle it himself made it all a nightmare.
That had been such a terrible time for Kazuya, that Kazuya found himself actually being glad to have an episode, because then, for a while, he wouldn't have to deal with the stress, pain, and frustration of being in his reality. There were arguments, there were accusations, and there were instances when they remained in stormy silence for the longest time.
Kazuya snapped more than once that Ryo should just leave, and he'd still have his family to care for him so it wasn't like Ryo had to stay and keep making it clear that being with him was a terrible thing. Then, Ryo would snap and accuse Kazuya of purposely trying to trap him like this, and that he couldn't leave; and, at times, there was the rare accusation that Kazuya was trying to make Ryo into the bad guy for leaving, and Kazuya remembered that one time, he finally shouted that he didn't care what Ryo did, as long as he stopped making Kazuya feel so bad about being himself.
Ryo paled just a little at that, and after a moment, he walked out, muttering about needing some space. What happened after that was a whirlwind of tension. After that, Kazuya didn't see Ryo for months, and Kazuya's family came to get him, muttering sympathetically - and a bit knowingly - about how it was probably for the best.
Kazuya was absolutely shattered; he hadn't wanted this to happen. He had never meant for his words to have this effect. He had simply been angry and that had resulted in words he hadn't meant to say. He knew how difficult the situation was for Ryo as well, but he had just been frustrated about everything in his life.
But life with his family hadn't been much better; they hadn't been able to handle it very well either, and he supposed he could understand a bit of their difficulty. He had been so unhappy and frustrated with himself that he was having episodes every day, even multiple times a day. In the end, they sent him to a medical centre that specialized in psychiatric disorders.
Kazuya didn't remember much of that time, but he knew that he must have spent most of it in a depressed state. For his 'safety', he wasn't allowed to go out, he had most of his cameras taken away and the only thing he ever remembered were the stifling four walls of his room.
It had been hell, and Kazuya's heart had broken for the times with Ryo - even the bad times. Ryo had never thought of locking him up; no matter how frustrated Ryo was about the situation, Kazuya had never felt so horrible in his time with Ryo.
But there had also been the nagging voice that told him he was being selfish.
What if Ryo was happy? Without him?
It was certainly very likely, he'd told himself, he certainly didn't inspire people to be happy - not anymore.
Kazuya is startled when he finds a hand grabbing his and keeping him from brushing his fingers over an all too familiar jaw line.
"What are you doing?" Ryo asks in irritation, blinking up at Kazuya.
Kazuya shakes his head with a shrug, not really sure if he wants to bring up such a bad time in their relationship, when he felt totally alone and when he had no idea how Ryo was doing, "Remembering." he says but doesn't elaborate.
Ryo tries to stop Kazuya from moving his hand over his face, but in the end, he just gives up and lets Kazuya do what he wants. Kazuya smiles at that, and takes Ryo's hands in his, "Remember when we were apart." he begins, in a bit of a daze as he remembers those feelings clearly. Despite how hard that period in his life was, he remembers it really well.
Ryo stiffens, before he rolls his eyes toward the headboard and lets out a sigh, "Not my brightest moment." he admits.
Kazuya looks at him in surprise, "What?"
"I left you." Ryo says looking at Kazuya strangely, "For a while."
"But you came back." Kazuya responds, "Besides, back then, I didn't think anybody would stay for me." he admits. It's something he's told Ryo once or twice before, much to Ryo's horror. That's another reason why he thinks Ryo tries so hard.
"The fact that you came back made me really happy," he admits, and he enjoys the half-embarrassed, half-pleased expression that crosses Ryo's face, "I'd given up." he adds.
Ryo reaches over and pulls Kazuya so that he falls onto the bed, on top of Ryo, and is tantalizingly close to Ryo's face, "That should teach you to never doubt me." Ryo breathes out confidently before he smothers Kazuya's lips in a kiss.
Kazuya doesn't protest, doesn't even think about protesting; instead, he steadies himself against Ryo and kisses back, trying to push away the already present doubts in the back of his mind.
"I don't…" Kazuya says against Ryo's lips, "I don't doubt your feelings for me."
He doesn't, he can't; he has too much proof of how much Ryo cares for him. Even though Ryo is probably the biggest denier of sentimental feelings and such in the whole world, Kazuya knows how important he is to Ryo. That's why Ryo came back, taking Kazuya away from that horrible torture that was the medical centre, gave Kazuya back his freedom, gave Kazuya back everything he loved. That's why Ryo gave up so much for their relationship.
"I doubt whether I make you happy," Kazuya says so softly, that he's sure Ryo never heard him. Or, if Ryo did, he doesn't acknowledge it, and that's even worse.
* * *
Despite Kazuya's most unrealistic hopes, Ryo, even though it's already been a few weeks, still seems to be bothered by something. Kazuya has an idea of what it is, of course, but he was hoping that he was wrong, that there was just something else. He puts down his camera as he looks out the window of the studio, and watches as Ryo leaves the shop downstairs; he smiles sadly, wondering how long Ryo would have kept quiet about it if Kazuya hadn't noticed anything.
But Kazuya does; all the time he spends thinking - about himself, about Ryo, about his life - means that Kazuya is a bit more perceptive about his surroundings, and of course he'll notice if something is bothering Ryo.
He also knows that if something is bothering him, the only other person likely to notice it is probably downstairs at this moment, tending to the shop while Ryo is out.
So, Kazuya drags himself away from the window - and from watching Ryo's profile disappear into the crowd - and heads down the stairs to the shop level. He looks around for a moment and sees Yamapi blinking in confusion at his sudden presence. Yamapi heads over quickly, with a hesitant look on his face.
"Kazuya? Ryo's gone out for a bit, did you need something?"
Kazuya smiles tightly; he can remember a time when things weren't awkward between them. They used to be friends, even before he'd known Ryo, except things changed. Kazuya knows that Yamapi once saw him during one of his bad days, and while the older man had known about it, it hadn't really sunk in until then. Kazuya knows that Yamapi is worried that Ryo isn't staying with Kazuya because he truly wants to, but because he's stubborn and wants to see things through, out of a sense of obligation.
Kazuya hasn't thought of it that way, because Ryo's always denied that, but recently, he wonders if Yamapi's a bit right.
"I wanted to talk to you," Kazuya answers simply, as he leans against the counter, "Do you have time?"
Yamapi looks around the shop, sees that there aren't any customers at the moment, and nods, looking curious, "What's up?"
"It's about Ryo." Kazuya says quietly, "Something's been bothering him."
Yamapi looks startled, and then frowns, "So why are you coming to me? You've never had trouble dealing with your problems before, on your own." he adds.
Kazuya looks up challengingly, "I know you think that Ryo stays with me because he feels obligated or something." he says plainly. Yamapi flinches, but Kazuya ignores it; he doesn't really have time to dance around words with Yamapi, not if he wants to find out what he wants before Ryo returns, "What I want to know is why exactly you think that. Ryo's never explained anything about that." he says.
"Why?" Yamapi asks warily.
Kazuya shrugs, not willing to say much, "Because I'm wondering if he's really happy with me." he admits with a soft, fake laugh, "Stupid, isn't it, that I'm thinking about this now?"
He ignores the sympathetic look Yamapi sends him.
"It's…" Yamapi starts hesitantly, "It's nothing against you, that I say all that stuff to Ryo. But…it's just that, right after he found out about your condition, he dropped everything to try to make it work with you." the older man explains with a frown, "That's just…just so unlike Ryo. He worked so hard to get where he was, but then he abandoned it all - for you. It's not like…it's not like he's the type to be willing to live a mediocre life. He hadn't even wanted this shop before, when his uncle left it to him, but then he suddenly decided to run it. I know it was just a way for him to earn the money needed quickly. Because back then, you were still a mess that didn't know how to deal with everything, and he wanted to help."
Kazuya's silent as he digests this.
"I guess…I haven't really thought about that time much," he admits, "It's mostly a blur to me. I spent most of it in fear of what was going on…"
"I know," Yamapi says with a nod, "But…from my perspective, he's given up so much, and I'm worried that he's just settling for something. Not you, I mean, he has to really care about you to give up that much, so he's not settling in that regard, but like…he's taking the easy way to be with you. I feel like…"
Kazuya interrupts softly, "Like he's put his life on hold for me?"
Yamapi flinches, but nods after a moment.
Unfortunately, no matter how much Kazuya wants to argue, and no matter how many times he's heard Ryo's reasons, he can't help but agree.
And it makes him feel horrible.
"What are you going to do?" Yamapi asks curiously. He looks regretful and guilty, and Kazuya guesses that he probably feels like he's said way too much. He also looks wary, as if he's afraid that Kazuya will descend into one of his episodes.
Kazuya props his chin onto his hands as he sighs, "I think that's what's bothering him," he says, "Nothing else about his conversation with Ueda should have upset him. This is the only thing that makes sense. No matter how hard it is to admit."
"It could be something else…" Yamapi points out hesitantly. He doesn't seem like he really believes that either.
"It could, but the fact still remains...how can I be happy with the life I've built with him, when he's abandoned his life for me?" Kazuya sighs, "How can he be happy with this sort of life? I think I've been fooling myself." he admits.
"Kazuya…"
Kazuya ignores Yamapi for the moment, trying to deal with all that's hitting him right now. He knows that Ryo's said he's happy, and that he doesn't mind what he's given up, but Kazuya doesn't want Ryo's life in the future to be filled with regret. In a way, Ryo's friends were right; Kazuya did trap him…not with his condition, but with Ryo's feelings for him. If Ryo hadn't cared for him so much, he could have left. He could have gone to live his life, and Kazuya would have been heartbroken, but…
But then he wouldn't feel so horrible about the situation.
Even if this isn't what has been bothering Ryo, Kazuya can't help but think that everything will change anyway. He can't stand the thought that Ryo's put his life on hold, his dreams abandoned, because of Kazuya. It's not fair, because a part of Kazuya wants to selfishly let everything remain the same, but a stronger part, the one that loves Ryo more than anything, wants Ryo to be able to live his life.
It scares Kazuya how much the idea of not having Ryo around all the time is upsetting him.
And that's how Kazuya knows that, for Ryo, and for himself, he has to make sure Ryo does what he wants, for a change. Before Kazuya found out about his condition, Ryo wouldn't have given up so much; he wouldn't have had a need to, and Kazuya hates the idea that his condition has robbed as much from Ryo as from himself.
He hates his condition, so much.
* * *
Late one night, Kazuya sits in bed, staring at Ryo. A part of him still isn’t sure about this, but it’s a part of him that’s afraid of the future and what that might bring. He’s afraid, more afraid than he should be, of what it will mean for things to change; with his condition, Kazuya had quickly latched onto the good change that being with Ryo brought - the happiness, the closeness, having someone who cared for him much always nearby. But, he’s afraid that this change might not be so good.
The conversation with Yamapi has opened up more than he had thought possible; to his own shame, he never even thought about how much Ryo had given up for him. Well, he had, but not specifically; he knew that Ryo had sacrificed a lot, but he hadn’t really thought about how much. Thoughts of back then were still a blur to him sometimes, unless he tried really hard to remember, but most of the time, they brought back bad memories - memories of the panic and devastation he felt about his condition. He had wanted to forget that time.
It’s so selfish of him to have forgotten what Ryo gave up, what Ryo was still giving up.
Kazuya wonders if, in Ryo’s mind, he’s ever forgiven Kazuya for everything.
It’s so aggravating, looking back. Kazuya feels like he’s the one who robbed Ryo of everything, even though it was Ryo’s decision; it was a decision that was prompted by Kazuya’s condition.
Here’s Kazuya, doing what he loves all the time, being around the one he loves all the time. He gets a studio for his photography, while downstairs, Ryo is never far away; it’s a dream life.
For Kazuya, of course.
Where’s Ryo’s dream life?
Ryo’s dream was never to settle for something as simple as running a shop. It’s a music shop, so at least that’s a bit better, but Ryo was meant for bigger things than to sell instruments.
Kazuya’s the one who ruined that.
Kazuya lets out a sigh as he reaches over to run a hand through Ryo’s dark locks; he isn’t sure what the future will bring, but he knows that he can’t let things remain the same in the present. He doesn’t want to be the reason Ryo’s holding himself back, and he would have never let that happen if he’d been thinking clearly.
Ryo’s amazing, Kazuya decides as he lowers his lips to Ryo’s, sadly, wonderingly. He still can’t believe that the jerk he met through Yamapi all those years ago ended up being the one most willing to give up everything for him. It certainly doesn’t fit the jackass impression Kazuya used to have of him.
Kazuya’s startled out of his thoughts by a hand on the back of his head, pushing him back toward Ryo again. Kazuya sees Ryo’s eyes open, filled with a mischievous look, and he smiles into the kiss, “Hey,” he whispers when Ryo lets him go.
“You’ve been pretty prone to feeling me up in my sleep lately,” Ryo says wryly as he sits up. He stares at Kazuya sleepily.
“I have?” Kazuya asks cautiously.
“You have, and that means you’ve been thinking too much again,” Ryo says in exasperation.
“Wouldn’t you rather I think too much than be an idiot?”
Ryo rolls his eyes, “Normally, I would, but I can tell something’s bothering you. So, spill it. What’s bothering you?”
He’s holding Kazuya’s wrist hostage, as though he’s wary that Kazuya will decide that he doesn’t want to answer, and will wander off. Kazuya wonders if Ryo knows how silly that is; how could anyone walk away from Nishikido Ryo when he’s half-naked in bed and staring at you? Of course, that’s just Kazuya, who loves Ryo more than anything in the world.
Kazuya sighs, “I guess, the same thing that’s bothering you.” He ventures bravely. He hasn’t really thought about how to talk to Ryo about all he’s realized lately, but he figures he’d better start somewhere. Unlike Kazuya, Ryo doesn’t spend hours on end alone analyzing everything around him.
Ryo blinks, and then stares at Kazuya with an odd look, “What?”
“What’s bothering you lately,” Kazuya says, “It didn’t take too long to figure out once I talked to Ueda. You’ve been thinking about how much you missed out on in your life since you’ve been with me, haven’t you?”
Ryo is frozen in place, staring at him, “What?” he rasps out.
Kazuya looks calmly at him, forcing himself to remain collected, “I mean, that’s the only thing that makes sense. Unless you’re bothered by accusations of mistreating me by someone you don’t even like, which doesn’t make sense for you. You don’t even care what Yamapi, your best friend, thinks of this relationship most of the time.”
Ryo is looking at Kazuya warily, “I’m not regretting anything.” He says firmly, “Kazuya…”
“But you have been thinking about it, haven’t you?” Kazuya responds, “Ryo, it’s clearly bothering you. You may not be regretting it now, but the fact that it still bothers you is a problem.”
Ryo crosses his arms, “It doesn’t have to be a problem.” He argues.
“But it already is,” Kazuya responds, “I…I don’t want you to regret anything, Ryo.”
“I’m not,” Ryo insists, “I’m just thinking about it a little, it’s nothing serious.” He narrows his eyes, “I know where this is going, Kazuya, and I would have thought that you of all people would know how tired I am of this subject. I did what I did because I wanted to; I don’t regret what I did. I did what I felt was right.”
Kazuya looks down, “You regret a little,” he argues, “I can tell; I don’t want to be the sole thing holding you back in life, Ryo.”
“You’re not.”
“And…” Kazuya starts, “I don’t think…I don’t think our relationship right now is healthy.” He begins tentatively, “I love our relationship, I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but…what if one day, we weren’t together?”
Ryo looks like he isn’t sure how to respond to that, so Kazuya continues.
“It just seems like…we wouldn’t know what to do,” Kazuya says softly, “The fact that you’ve built your current life around mine, if anything happened - not that it will but theoretically - what would happen? I’m not quite sure I’d be confident that you would be okay on your own. You’ve completely formed your life around being there for me, and that’s…you've done that because of my condition, and it’s not normal. I love you, I know I can depend on you, but can you even depend on yourself?”
Ryo looks angry now, and Kazuya winces. He doesn’t want to say this, but it’s what he’s noticed. It can’t be normal that Ryo’s built up his life around Kazuya. He’s completely adapted himself to Kazuya’s needs, and none of it is what Ryo himself wants. The only thing that keeps Ryo going is their relationship, and Kazuya is sure that that’s not healthy. What if something did happen one day?
What if Kazuya’s condition got much worse and he couldn’t even try to live a normal life anymore? If that happens, and Kazuya has no choice but to live in a medical centre, then what would happen to Ryo? His lover’s spent so much time trying to help Kazuya that he doesn’t really have his own life.
“Nothing is going to happen!” Ryo says irritably, “Can we stop talking about this?”
“No, because this is an issue and you know it,” Kazuya snaps back, “I don’t want you to live this way, Ryo. I have to, because of my condition, but it’s not too late for you. You never wanted to run a shop,” he adds, “You had so many dreams of what you wanted to do, but none of those came true - not a single one - because of me.” He adds bitterly, “I don’t want to know that I’m the one thing holding you back.”
“You’re not, and those dreams were stupid!” Ryo responds, but there’s no conviction in his voice. He’s sounding pained, “Stop this, Kazuya. What’s done is done.”
“No!” Kazuya knows he’s being demanding and stubborn, but he can’t help it, “I’m not giving up. I know you agree; stop thinking about me and do what you want for a change! The jerk that I met all those years ago wouldn’t have given up what he had worked so hard for!”
“That jerk had to be put away when the one he loved got a condition that makes him shy away from reality!” Ryo snaps angrily, “I chose between my selfish desires, and you. And I don’t regret choosing you.”
“Can you say that in the future? Five, ten years from now?” Kazuya challenges, “One day, these lost dreams will catch up to you, and - and I’m afraid of what will happen when it does. Selfish desires? They’re not selfish, Ryo. They’re your hopes and dreams, and you’ve put them on hold - for me. How will that make you feel? I don’t want to be the one thing stopping you! I never asked for you to give everything up for me!”
“Yes, you did!” Ryo yells angrily, “You did when you were so upset at your condition that you could barely function! You didn’t respond to anyone else! What was I suppose to do? Just leave you like that and be a selfish jackass and go off to music school and do whatever I wanted while you were suffering in your own mind?!”
Kazuya feels like he’s been hit with a sledgehammer.
He stares, open-mouthed, at Ryo. He can feel the hurt welling up in his chest; he never thought that the truth would hurt so much.
“I…” he bites down on his bottom lip, “That’s still not a good reason to give up on everything. I…I would have been fine.” He thinks about it, “I could have been fine,” he corrects himself. Even he’s not foolish enough to think that; without Ryo’s support, he would have been a mess locked up in a medical centre somewhere. At least at first; Kazuya may be hoping for too much when he thinks that with time, he would have adapted to his situation. He wouldn’t have been as happy as he is in his life right now, but he would have been functioning at least.
“You weren’t.” Ryo retorts.
“So why didn’t you just leave then when I did end up being fine?” Kazuya asks softly; right now, he hopes that his episodes won't choose this exact moment to kick in. They tend to occur more often when he gets upset, but…it would totally not help prove his point that he was fine if he had an episode now.
“Are you fine? Really?” Ryo asks sarcastically, “Because it seems to me you’re trying to be stronger than you really are right now, and trying to do the ‘right thing’ for me when you can barely do the right thing for yourself.”
Kazuya flinches, knowing how right Ryo is about that. With his condition, it’s amazing that Kazuya’s even had such a long relationship, or is even able to make a living for himself.
Kazuya breathes deeply, “Just because I’m not able to do much…doesn’t mean I’m wrong about you.” He says quietly, “Think about it Ryo.”
Ryo doesn’t answer as Kazuya grabs his pillow and leaves the room in tense silence.
* * *
Kazuya sleeps on the couch for a week; the little time he's actually spent with Ryo passes in silence. In hope that Ryo will do some thinking, Kazuya makes sure that he leaves the house at different times than Ryo for his studio. It's a scary thing, to walk through the streets knowing that if an episode hits, he may or may not be able to control what he does. Kazuya's tried sometimes, during these episodes; it takes a lot of effort to feel like he has a semblance of control, and even then, that effort sometimes ends up being useless. He simply feels like there's a line separating his mind and his body, and during those episodes, he can't influence his own body. It's scary, not knowing what that lack of control can lead to. But Kazuya pushes himself to do it, because if he can't even walk to the shop - and his studio - alone, then all his arguments to Ryo are pointless.
He can do it on his own, he can be fine.
He doesn't need Ryo to constantly worry and be there for him; it's okay for Ryo to live his life.
That's what he wants to prove; Kazuya can only hope that it's working.
So, this past week, Kazuya has showed more independence for the longest period of time than he has in a long time. Before, there was always the added insurance of having Ryo nearby; now, he's forcing himself to do things without that insurance. It's frightening, but it's also…very satisfying when he does manage to accomplish something.
Kazuya wonders if Ryo notices it; he can feel Ryo watching him from time to time, mostly when he leaves his studio before Ryo closes up his shop. He hopes it's making Ryo think about his own situation. Kazuya meant it when he said he wanted Ryo to be able to live his own life.
And he refuses to take no for an answer in this case; he's being stubborn, but Kazuya feels too strongly about this to let it go. He would hate himself forever, and he fears Ryo would come to hate him too, if he let Ryo throw away his dreams for him. It would be even worse if he didn't do anything, let things remain the same, until it was too late to do anything about those abandoned hopes and dreams.
Kazuya is a bit reassured about his actions when he gets home and finds a bunch of papers left scattered on the kitchen table; looking through them briefly, wondering what they are, Kazuya lets a smile cross his face as he recognizes a few names. It's a good thing that Ryo is looking through applications for music schools, and universities with concentrated music programs, right?
Before everything happened, Ryo was accepted into a few music programs at some rather good schools; Ryo had the talent, as he's mostly self-taught - which Kazuya thinks is pretty amazing - but Ryo had always wanted to do something more with what he loved. Back then, Kazuya had encouraged Ryo when he had gone through the nerve-wracking process of applying, and then, with jubilant happiness, celebrated his acceptance at the schools he had wanted to attend. But then, he gave it all up.
Kazuya knows that, even though Ryo probably won't admit it, giving all that up probably hurt Ryo a lot.
But now, it's Kazuya’s chance to give it all back to Ryo.
"As you can see," Kazuya turns when he hears Ryo's voice behind him and he jumps, not realizing Ryo was home already, "I've thought about it."
Kazuya looks hesitantly at Ryo, who still looks a bit annoyed, and his arms are crossed as he surveys Kazuya, "Did you?"
Ryo nods, "I'm not going to lie and say I'm not pissed off at how determined you were to get your way and make me think. But then again, I'm not going to pretend that I would have thought about it if you weren't so stubborn."
Kazuya smiles tentatively, "But that's what makes us so good together," he says, "Are we…okay?" he asks, wondering if he's imagining this tension that's still there. Of course, that could be his own fear that Ryo is still looking a bit annoyed at him. Ryo doesn't tend to stay mad for long at him, a perk of being Ryo's boyfriend.
Ryo rolls his eyes, picking up a stack of papers, and throwing them at Kazuya's chest, "You get to help me fill these out. Since all this was your idea."
It's as close to saying 'We're okay' as Kazuya will probably get out of Ryo right now. Ryo's not prone to sentimental words, after all.
"Okay," Kazuya grins, taking the papers and sitting down at the table.
He looks up to see Ryo looking a bit awkward, and he smiles, knowing that Ryo's about to try to admit some rather sentimental things, "Ryo?"
A week of doing nothing but thinking has to be good for something, at least.
Ryo stares determinedly at the wall behind Kazuya, "…you were right. Kind of." he says, "I…I do wonder what I miss out on sometimes. I don't regret it, like you think, but I do wonder a lot about it. But you're wrong; even if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't. I'd still choose to stay by your side. Maybe these applications won't get me anywhere, you know, but…I realized that - that I can't spend my life thinking of the what-ifs and holding back. So…" he looks down, muttering, "Thanks for making me do this."
Kazuya merely grins and doesn't comment; he does walk over and kiss Ryo, "I have no doubt you'll get in, and things will change, but we'll work that out when it comes to it, right?"
He knows everything will change; Ryo won't be around as much, and Kazuya will have to find a way to make that work, but if this week has done anything, it has helped to remind him that he can still do things on his own. He doesn't have to be afraid of what might happen; forcing himself to do every day things, which he used to be wary of, brought that home this week. All those accomplishments that might seem insignificant to anyone else meant the world to him.
Ryo doesn't answer, but the kiss he pulls Kazuya into, before backing him against the nearest wall is answer enough, "It'll take more than that to get rid of me," he hisses against Kazuya's lips, "What's that you always say? A good punch to my ego solves every problem?"
Kazuya blinks at Ryo.
"My philosophy for you is that shutting you up solves all my problems. So shut up and let me practice my problem-solving skills."
Kazuya merely murmurs an incoherent agreement.
They can make things work, he tells himself, before his thoughts become too incoherent; he's hopeful that, despite everything, they'll rise above it all.
--
THE END
final author's note: marlenem, when I first saw your prompts/preferences, I tried to look up a psychological disorder that wasn't too...well, common, in hopes of being slightly original lol. I hope that worked XD The one I eventually found is called Depersonalization disorder, even though I don't name it in this fic; I'm also not a psychologist or a professional, so what little facts I've put down about this disorder is based on my understanding of the research I did looking into this disorder. Therefore, I have no idea if my interpretation is right at all :)
That said...*crosses fingers and hope that you liked it*
Title: Chasing Dreams
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Wordcount: 17 021
Rating: PG-13
Genre/Warning: Angst/ Psychological/ Romance
Notes: Dear
marlenem, I hope you like this :) As you will see, once you start reading, I tried to incorporate a few of your preferences into one thing :D Hopefully, that didn't turn out too badly lol XD Also, thank you to my beta for all her help with this fic :) My struggle to be a perfectionist while writing this fic probably annoyed her too many times to count :)
Summary: They pretend for now, like perfect fools in love, that life is perfect.
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They weren't always so strong.
Strong is how Kazuya sees them now, as compared to early on in their relationship, when he felt so unsure about the future. Now, he's still unsure, but at least it's not because of the relationship. Now, he's unsure about the future despite their relationship, and that makes all the difference.
Kazuya can't sleep so he spends the hours leading to dawn watching Ryo and reminiscing about old times, good and bad.
It wasn't like Ryo had found out about his condition, and in a show of extreme courage and selflessness, had decided to stay with Kazuya. It took a while before Ryo came to terms with what was needed to handle Kazuya's condition on a daily basis; the fact that Kazuya himself had no idea how to handle it himself made it all a nightmare.
That had been such a terrible time for Kazuya, that Kazuya found himself actually being glad to have an episode, because then, for a while, he wouldn't have to deal with the stress, pain, and frustration of being in his reality. There were arguments, there were accusations, and there were instances when they remained in stormy silence for the longest time.
Kazuya snapped more than once that Ryo should just leave, and he'd still have his family to care for him so it wasn't like Ryo had to stay and keep making it clear that being with him was a terrible thing. Then, Ryo would snap and accuse Kazuya of purposely trying to trap him like this, and that he couldn't leave; and, at times, there was the rare accusation that Kazuya was trying to make Ryo into the bad guy for leaving, and Kazuya remembered that one time, he finally shouted that he didn't care what Ryo did, as long as he stopped making Kazuya feel so bad about being himself.
Ryo paled just a little at that, and after a moment, he walked out, muttering about needing some space. What happened after that was a whirlwind of tension. After that, Kazuya didn't see Ryo for months, and Kazuya's family came to get him, muttering sympathetically - and a bit knowingly - about how it was probably for the best.
Kazuya was absolutely shattered; he hadn't wanted this to happen. He had never meant for his words to have this effect. He had simply been angry and that had resulted in words he hadn't meant to say. He knew how difficult the situation was for Ryo as well, but he had just been frustrated about everything in his life.
But life with his family hadn't been much better; they hadn't been able to handle it very well either, and he supposed he could understand a bit of their difficulty. He had been so unhappy and frustrated with himself that he was having episodes every day, even multiple times a day. In the end, they sent him to a medical centre that specialized in psychiatric disorders.
Kazuya didn't remember much of that time, but he knew that he must have spent most of it in a depressed state. For his 'safety', he wasn't allowed to go out, he had most of his cameras taken away and the only thing he ever remembered were the stifling four walls of his room.
It had been hell, and Kazuya's heart had broken for the times with Ryo - even the bad times. Ryo had never thought of locking him up; no matter how frustrated Ryo was about the situation, Kazuya had never felt so horrible in his time with Ryo.
But there had also been the nagging voice that told him he was being selfish.
What if Ryo was happy? Without him?
It was certainly very likely, he'd told himself, he certainly didn't inspire people to be happy - not anymore.
Kazuya is startled when he finds a hand grabbing his and keeping him from brushing his fingers over an all too familiar jaw line.
"What are you doing?" Ryo asks in irritation, blinking up at Kazuya.
Kazuya shakes his head with a shrug, not really sure if he wants to bring up such a bad time in their relationship, when he felt totally alone and when he had no idea how Ryo was doing, "Remembering." he says but doesn't elaborate.
Ryo tries to stop Kazuya from moving his hand over his face, but in the end, he just gives up and lets Kazuya do what he wants. Kazuya smiles at that, and takes Ryo's hands in his, "Remember when we were apart." he begins, in a bit of a daze as he remembers those feelings clearly. Despite how hard that period in his life was, he remembers it really well.
Ryo stiffens, before he rolls his eyes toward the headboard and lets out a sigh, "Not my brightest moment." he admits.
Kazuya looks at him in surprise, "What?"
"I left you." Ryo says looking at Kazuya strangely, "For a while."
"But you came back." Kazuya responds, "Besides, back then, I didn't think anybody would stay for me." he admits. It's something he's told Ryo once or twice before, much to Ryo's horror. That's another reason why he thinks Ryo tries so hard.
"The fact that you came back made me really happy," he admits, and he enjoys the half-embarrassed, half-pleased expression that crosses Ryo's face, "I'd given up." he adds.
Ryo reaches over and pulls Kazuya so that he falls onto the bed, on top of Ryo, and is tantalizingly close to Ryo's face, "That should teach you to never doubt me." Ryo breathes out confidently before he smothers Kazuya's lips in a kiss.
Kazuya doesn't protest, doesn't even think about protesting; instead, he steadies himself against Ryo and kisses back, trying to push away the already present doubts in the back of his mind.
"I don't…" Kazuya says against Ryo's lips, "I don't doubt your feelings for me."
He doesn't, he can't; he has too much proof of how much Ryo cares for him. Even though Ryo is probably the biggest denier of sentimental feelings and such in the whole world, Kazuya knows how important he is to Ryo. That's why Ryo came back, taking Kazuya away from that horrible torture that was the medical centre, gave Kazuya back his freedom, gave Kazuya back everything he loved. That's why Ryo gave up so much for their relationship.
"I doubt whether I make you happy," Kazuya says so softly, that he's sure Ryo never heard him. Or, if Ryo did, he doesn't acknowledge it, and that's even worse.
* * *
Despite Kazuya's most unrealistic hopes, Ryo, even though it's already been a few weeks, still seems to be bothered by something. Kazuya has an idea of what it is, of course, but he was hoping that he was wrong, that there was just something else. He puts down his camera as he looks out the window of the studio, and watches as Ryo leaves the shop downstairs; he smiles sadly, wondering how long Ryo would have kept quiet about it if Kazuya hadn't noticed anything.
But Kazuya does; all the time he spends thinking - about himself, about Ryo, about his life - means that Kazuya is a bit more perceptive about his surroundings, and of course he'll notice if something is bothering Ryo.
He also knows that if something is bothering him, the only other person likely to notice it is probably downstairs at this moment, tending to the shop while Ryo is out.
So, Kazuya drags himself away from the window - and from watching Ryo's profile disappear into the crowd - and heads down the stairs to the shop level. He looks around for a moment and sees Yamapi blinking in confusion at his sudden presence. Yamapi heads over quickly, with a hesitant look on his face.
"Kazuya? Ryo's gone out for a bit, did you need something?"
Kazuya smiles tightly; he can remember a time when things weren't awkward between them. They used to be friends, even before he'd known Ryo, except things changed. Kazuya knows that Yamapi once saw him during one of his bad days, and while the older man had known about it, it hadn't really sunk in until then. Kazuya knows that Yamapi is worried that Ryo isn't staying with Kazuya because he truly wants to, but because he's stubborn and wants to see things through, out of a sense of obligation.
Kazuya hasn't thought of it that way, because Ryo's always denied that, but recently, he wonders if Yamapi's a bit right.
"I wanted to talk to you," Kazuya answers simply, as he leans against the counter, "Do you have time?"
Yamapi looks around the shop, sees that there aren't any customers at the moment, and nods, looking curious, "What's up?"
"It's about Ryo." Kazuya says quietly, "Something's been bothering him."
Yamapi looks startled, and then frowns, "So why are you coming to me? You've never had trouble dealing with your problems before, on your own." he adds.
Kazuya looks up challengingly, "I know you think that Ryo stays with me because he feels obligated or something." he says plainly. Yamapi flinches, but Kazuya ignores it; he doesn't really have time to dance around words with Yamapi, not if he wants to find out what he wants before Ryo returns, "What I want to know is why exactly you think that. Ryo's never explained anything about that." he says.
"Why?" Yamapi asks warily.
Kazuya shrugs, not willing to say much, "Because I'm wondering if he's really happy with me." he admits with a soft, fake laugh, "Stupid, isn't it, that I'm thinking about this now?"
He ignores the sympathetic look Yamapi sends him.
"It's…" Yamapi starts hesitantly, "It's nothing against you, that I say all that stuff to Ryo. But…it's just that, right after he found out about your condition, he dropped everything to try to make it work with you." the older man explains with a frown, "That's just…just so unlike Ryo. He worked so hard to get where he was, but then he abandoned it all - for you. It's not like…it's not like he's the type to be willing to live a mediocre life. He hadn't even wanted this shop before, when his uncle left it to him, but then he suddenly decided to run it. I know it was just a way for him to earn the money needed quickly. Because back then, you were still a mess that didn't know how to deal with everything, and he wanted to help."
Kazuya's silent as he digests this.
"I guess…I haven't really thought about that time much," he admits, "It's mostly a blur to me. I spent most of it in fear of what was going on…"
"I know," Yamapi says with a nod, "But…from my perspective, he's given up so much, and I'm worried that he's just settling for something. Not you, I mean, he has to really care about you to give up that much, so he's not settling in that regard, but like…he's taking the easy way to be with you. I feel like…"
Kazuya interrupts softly, "Like he's put his life on hold for me?"
Yamapi flinches, but nods after a moment.
Unfortunately, no matter how much Kazuya wants to argue, and no matter how many times he's heard Ryo's reasons, he can't help but agree.
And it makes him feel horrible.
"What are you going to do?" Yamapi asks curiously. He looks regretful and guilty, and Kazuya guesses that he probably feels like he's said way too much. He also looks wary, as if he's afraid that Kazuya will descend into one of his episodes.
Kazuya props his chin onto his hands as he sighs, "I think that's what's bothering him," he says, "Nothing else about his conversation with Ueda should have upset him. This is the only thing that makes sense. No matter how hard it is to admit."
"It could be something else…" Yamapi points out hesitantly. He doesn't seem like he really believes that either.
"It could, but the fact still remains...how can I be happy with the life I've built with him, when he's abandoned his life for me?" Kazuya sighs, "How can he be happy with this sort of life? I think I've been fooling myself." he admits.
"Kazuya…"
Kazuya ignores Yamapi for the moment, trying to deal with all that's hitting him right now. He knows that Ryo's said he's happy, and that he doesn't mind what he's given up, but Kazuya doesn't want Ryo's life in the future to be filled with regret. In a way, Ryo's friends were right; Kazuya did trap him…not with his condition, but with Ryo's feelings for him. If Ryo hadn't cared for him so much, he could have left. He could have gone to live his life, and Kazuya would have been heartbroken, but…
But then he wouldn't feel so horrible about the situation.
Even if this isn't what has been bothering Ryo, Kazuya can't help but think that everything will change anyway. He can't stand the thought that Ryo's put his life on hold, his dreams abandoned, because of Kazuya. It's not fair, because a part of Kazuya wants to selfishly let everything remain the same, but a stronger part, the one that loves Ryo more than anything, wants Ryo to be able to live his life.
It scares Kazuya how much the idea of not having Ryo around all the time is upsetting him.
And that's how Kazuya knows that, for Ryo, and for himself, he has to make sure Ryo does what he wants, for a change. Before Kazuya found out about his condition, Ryo wouldn't have given up so much; he wouldn't have had a need to, and Kazuya hates the idea that his condition has robbed as much from Ryo as from himself.
He hates his condition, so much.
* * *
Late one night, Kazuya sits in bed, staring at Ryo. A part of him still isn’t sure about this, but it’s a part of him that’s afraid of the future and what that might bring. He’s afraid, more afraid than he should be, of what it will mean for things to change; with his condition, Kazuya had quickly latched onto the good change that being with Ryo brought - the happiness, the closeness, having someone who cared for him much always nearby. But, he’s afraid that this change might not be so good.
The conversation with Yamapi has opened up more than he had thought possible; to his own shame, he never even thought about how much Ryo had given up for him. Well, he had, but not specifically; he knew that Ryo had sacrificed a lot, but he hadn’t really thought about how much. Thoughts of back then were still a blur to him sometimes, unless he tried really hard to remember, but most of the time, they brought back bad memories - memories of the panic and devastation he felt about his condition. He had wanted to forget that time.
It’s so selfish of him to have forgotten what Ryo gave up, what Ryo was still giving up.
Kazuya wonders if, in Ryo’s mind, he’s ever forgiven Kazuya for everything.
It’s so aggravating, looking back. Kazuya feels like he’s the one who robbed Ryo of everything, even though it was Ryo’s decision; it was a decision that was prompted by Kazuya’s condition.
Here’s Kazuya, doing what he loves all the time, being around the one he loves all the time. He gets a studio for his photography, while downstairs, Ryo is never far away; it’s a dream life.
For Kazuya, of course.
Where’s Ryo’s dream life?
Ryo’s dream was never to settle for something as simple as running a shop. It’s a music shop, so at least that’s a bit better, but Ryo was meant for bigger things than to sell instruments.
Kazuya’s the one who ruined that.
Kazuya lets out a sigh as he reaches over to run a hand through Ryo’s dark locks; he isn’t sure what the future will bring, but he knows that he can’t let things remain the same in the present. He doesn’t want to be the reason Ryo’s holding himself back, and he would have never let that happen if he’d been thinking clearly.
Ryo’s amazing, Kazuya decides as he lowers his lips to Ryo’s, sadly, wonderingly. He still can’t believe that the jerk he met through Yamapi all those years ago ended up being the one most willing to give up everything for him. It certainly doesn’t fit the jackass impression Kazuya used to have of him.
Kazuya’s startled out of his thoughts by a hand on the back of his head, pushing him back toward Ryo again. Kazuya sees Ryo’s eyes open, filled with a mischievous look, and he smiles into the kiss, “Hey,” he whispers when Ryo lets him go.
“You’ve been pretty prone to feeling me up in my sleep lately,” Ryo says wryly as he sits up. He stares at Kazuya sleepily.
“I have?” Kazuya asks cautiously.
“You have, and that means you’ve been thinking too much again,” Ryo says in exasperation.
“Wouldn’t you rather I think too much than be an idiot?”
Ryo rolls his eyes, “Normally, I would, but I can tell something’s bothering you. So, spill it. What’s bothering you?”
He’s holding Kazuya’s wrist hostage, as though he’s wary that Kazuya will decide that he doesn’t want to answer, and will wander off. Kazuya wonders if Ryo knows how silly that is; how could anyone walk away from Nishikido Ryo when he’s half-naked in bed and staring at you? Of course, that’s just Kazuya, who loves Ryo more than anything in the world.
Kazuya sighs, “I guess, the same thing that’s bothering you.” He ventures bravely. He hasn’t really thought about how to talk to Ryo about all he’s realized lately, but he figures he’d better start somewhere. Unlike Kazuya, Ryo doesn’t spend hours on end alone analyzing everything around him.
Ryo blinks, and then stares at Kazuya with an odd look, “What?”
“What’s bothering you lately,” Kazuya says, “It didn’t take too long to figure out once I talked to Ueda. You’ve been thinking about how much you missed out on in your life since you’ve been with me, haven’t you?”
Ryo is frozen in place, staring at him, “What?” he rasps out.
Kazuya looks calmly at him, forcing himself to remain collected, “I mean, that’s the only thing that makes sense. Unless you’re bothered by accusations of mistreating me by someone you don’t even like, which doesn’t make sense for you. You don’t even care what Yamapi, your best friend, thinks of this relationship most of the time.”
Ryo is looking at Kazuya warily, “I’m not regretting anything.” He says firmly, “Kazuya…”
“But you have been thinking about it, haven’t you?” Kazuya responds, “Ryo, it’s clearly bothering you. You may not be regretting it now, but the fact that it still bothers you is a problem.”
Ryo crosses his arms, “It doesn’t have to be a problem.” He argues.
“But it already is,” Kazuya responds, “I…I don’t want you to regret anything, Ryo.”
“I’m not,” Ryo insists, “I’m just thinking about it a little, it’s nothing serious.” He narrows his eyes, “I know where this is going, Kazuya, and I would have thought that you of all people would know how tired I am of this subject. I did what I did because I wanted to; I don’t regret what I did. I did what I felt was right.”
Kazuya looks down, “You regret a little,” he argues, “I can tell; I don’t want to be the sole thing holding you back in life, Ryo.”
“You’re not.”
“And…” Kazuya starts, “I don’t think…I don’t think our relationship right now is healthy.” He begins tentatively, “I love our relationship, I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but…what if one day, we weren’t together?”
Ryo looks like he isn’t sure how to respond to that, so Kazuya continues.
“It just seems like…we wouldn’t know what to do,” Kazuya says softly, “The fact that you’ve built your current life around mine, if anything happened - not that it will but theoretically - what would happen? I’m not quite sure I’d be confident that you would be okay on your own. You’ve completely formed your life around being there for me, and that’s…you've done that because of my condition, and it’s not normal. I love you, I know I can depend on you, but can you even depend on yourself?”
Ryo looks angry now, and Kazuya winces. He doesn’t want to say this, but it’s what he’s noticed. It can’t be normal that Ryo’s built up his life around Kazuya. He’s completely adapted himself to Kazuya’s needs, and none of it is what Ryo himself wants. The only thing that keeps Ryo going is their relationship, and Kazuya is sure that that’s not healthy. What if something did happen one day?
What if Kazuya’s condition got much worse and he couldn’t even try to live a normal life anymore? If that happens, and Kazuya has no choice but to live in a medical centre, then what would happen to Ryo? His lover’s spent so much time trying to help Kazuya that he doesn’t really have his own life.
“Nothing is going to happen!” Ryo says irritably, “Can we stop talking about this?”
“No, because this is an issue and you know it,” Kazuya snaps back, “I don’t want you to live this way, Ryo. I have to, because of my condition, but it’s not too late for you. You never wanted to run a shop,” he adds, “You had so many dreams of what you wanted to do, but none of those came true - not a single one - because of me.” He adds bitterly, “I don’t want to know that I’m the one thing holding you back.”
“You’re not, and those dreams were stupid!” Ryo responds, but there’s no conviction in his voice. He’s sounding pained, “Stop this, Kazuya. What’s done is done.”
“No!” Kazuya knows he’s being demanding and stubborn, but he can’t help it, “I’m not giving up. I know you agree; stop thinking about me and do what you want for a change! The jerk that I met all those years ago wouldn’t have given up what he had worked so hard for!”
“That jerk had to be put away when the one he loved got a condition that makes him shy away from reality!” Ryo snaps angrily, “I chose between my selfish desires, and you. And I don’t regret choosing you.”
“Can you say that in the future? Five, ten years from now?” Kazuya challenges, “One day, these lost dreams will catch up to you, and - and I’m afraid of what will happen when it does. Selfish desires? They’re not selfish, Ryo. They’re your hopes and dreams, and you’ve put them on hold - for me. How will that make you feel? I don’t want to be the one thing stopping you! I never asked for you to give everything up for me!”
“Yes, you did!” Ryo yells angrily, “You did when you were so upset at your condition that you could barely function! You didn’t respond to anyone else! What was I suppose to do? Just leave you like that and be a selfish jackass and go off to music school and do whatever I wanted while you were suffering in your own mind?!”
Kazuya feels like he’s been hit with a sledgehammer.
He stares, open-mouthed, at Ryo. He can feel the hurt welling up in his chest; he never thought that the truth would hurt so much.
“I…” he bites down on his bottom lip, “That’s still not a good reason to give up on everything. I…I would have been fine.” He thinks about it, “I could have been fine,” he corrects himself. Even he’s not foolish enough to think that; without Ryo’s support, he would have been a mess locked up in a medical centre somewhere. At least at first; Kazuya may be hoping for too much when he thinks that with time, he would have adapted to his situation. He wouldn’t have been as happy as he is in his life right now, but he would have been functioning at least.
“You weren’t.” Ryo retorts.
“So why didn’t you just leave then when I did end up being fine?” Kazuya asks softly; right now, he hopes that his episodes won't choose this exact moment to kick in. They tend to occur more often when he gets upset, but…it would totally not help prove his point that he was fine if he had an episode now.
“Are you fine? Really?” Ryo asks sarcastically, “Because it seems to me you’re trying to be stronger than you really are right now, and trying to do the ‘right thing’ for me when you can barely do the right thing for yourself.”
Kazuya flinches, knowing how right Ryo is about that. With his condition, it’s amazing that Kazuya’s even had such a long relationship, or is even able to make a living for himself.
Kazuya breathes deeply, “Just because I’m not able to do much…doesn’t mean I’m wrong about you.” He says quietly, “Think about it Ryo.”
Ryo doesn’t answer as Kazuya grabs his pillow and leaves the room in tense silence.
* * *
Kazuya sleeps on the couch for a week; the little time he's actually spent with Ryo passes in silence. In hope that Ryo will do some thinking, Kazuya makes sure that he leaves the house at different times than Ryo for his studio. It's a scary thing, to walk through the streets knowing that if an episode hits, he may or may not be able to control what he does. Kazuya's tried sometimes, during these episodes; it takes a lot of effort to feel like he has a semblance of control, and even then, that effort sometimes ends up being useless. He simply feels like there's a line separating his mind and his body, and during those episodes, he can't influence his own body. It's scary, not knowing what that lack of control can lead to. But Kazuya pushes himself to do it, because if he can't even walk to the shop - and his studio - alone, then all his arguments to Ryo are pointless.
He can do it on his own, he can be fine.
He doesn't need Ryo to constantly worry and be there for him; it's okay for Ryo to live his life.
That's what he wants to prove; Kazuya can only hope that it's working.
So, this past week, Kazuya has showed more independence for the longest period of time than he has in a long time. Before, there was always the added insurance of having Ryo nearby; now, he's forcing himself to do things without that insurance. It's frightening, but it's also…very satisfying when he does manage to accomplish something.
Kazuya wonders if Ryo notices it; he can feel Ryo watching him from time to time, mostly when he leaves his studio before Ryo closes up his shop. He hopes it's making Ryo think about his own situation. Kazuya meant it when he said he wanted Ryo to be able to live his own life.
And he refuses to take no for an answer in this case; he's being stubborn, but Kazuya feels too strongly about this to let it go. He would hate himself forever, and he fears Ryo would come to hate him too, if he let Ryo throw away his dreams for him. It would be even worse if he didn't do anything, let things remain the same, until it was too late to do anything about those abandoned hopes and dreams.
Kazuya is a bit reassured about his actions when he gets home and finds a bunch of papers left scattered on the kitchen table; looking through them briefly, wondering what they are, Kazuya lets a smile cross his face as he recognizes a few names. It's a good thing that Ryo is looking through applications for music schools, and universities with concentrated music programs, right?
Before everything happened, Ryo was accepted into a few music programs at some rather good schools; Ryo had the talent, as he's mostly self-taught - which Kazuya thinks is pretty amazing - but Ryo had always wanted to do something more with what he loved. Back then, Kazuya had encouraged Ryo when he had gone through the nerve-wracking process of applying, and then, with jubilant happiness, celebrated his acceptance at the schools he had wanted to attend. But then, he gave it all up.
Kazuya knows that, even though Ryo probably won't admit it, giving all that up probably hurt Ryo a lot.
But now, it's Kazuya’s chance to give it all back to Ryo.
"As you can see," Kazuya turns when he hears Ryo's voice behind him and he jumps, not realizing Ryo was home already, "I've thought about it."
Kazuya looks hesitantly at Ryo, who still looks a bit annoyed, and his arms are crossed as he surveys Kazuya, "Did you?"
Ryo nods, "I'm not going to lie and say I'm not pissed off at how determined you were to get your way and make me think. But then again, I'm not going to pretend that I would have thought about it if you weren't so stubborn."
Kazuya smiles tentatively, "But that's what makes us so good together," he says, "Are we…okay?" he asks, wondering if he's imagining this tension that's still there. Of course, that could be his own fear that Ryo is still looking a bit annoyed at him. Ryo doesn't tend to stay mad for long at him, a perk of being Ryo's boyfriend.
Ryo rolls his eyes, picking up a stack of papers, and throwing them at Kazuya's chest, "You get to help me fill these out. Since all this was your idea."
It's as close to saying 'We're okay' as Kazuya will probably get out of Ryo right now. Ryo's not prone to sentimental words, after all.
"Okay," Kazuya grins, taking the papers and sitting down at the table.
He looks up to see Ryo looking a bit awkward, and he smiles, knowing that Ryo's about to try to admit some rather sentimental things, "Ryo?"
A week of doing nothing but thinking has to be good for something, at least.
Ryo stares determinedly at the wall behind Kazuya, "…you were right. Kind of." he says, "I…I do wonder what I miss out on sometimes. I don't regret it, like you think, but I do wonder a lot about it. But you're wrong; even if I could go back and change things, I wouldn't. I'd still choose to stay by your side. Maybe these applications won't get me anywhere, you know, but…I realized that - that I can't spend my life thinking of the what-ifs and holding back. So…" he looks down, muttering, "Thanks for making me do this."
Kazuya merely grins and doesn't comment; he does walk over and kiss Ryo, "I have no doubt you'll get in, and things will change, but we'll work that out when it comes to it, right?"
He knows everything will change; Ryo won't be around as much, and Kazuya will have to find a way to make that work, but if this week has done anything, it has helped to remind him that he can still do things on his own. He doesn't have to be afraid of what might happen; forcing himself to do every day things, which he used to be wary of, brought that home this week. All those accomplishments that might seem insignificant to anyone else meant the world to him.
Ryo doesn't answer, but the kiss he pulls Kazuya into, before backing him against the nearest wall is answer enough, "It'll take more than that to get rid of me," he hisses against Kazuya's lips, "What's that you always say? A good punch to my ego solves every problem?"
Kazuya blinks at Ryo.
"My philosophy for you is that shutting you up solves all my problems. So shut up and let me practice my problem-solving skills."
Kazuya merely murmurs an incoherent agreement.
They can make things work, he tells himself, before his thoughts become too incoherent; he's hopeful that, despite everything, they'll rise above it all.
--
THE END
final author's note: marlenem, when I first saw your prompts/preferences, I tried to look up a psychological disorder that wasn't too...well, common, in hopes of being slightly original lol. I hope that worked XD The one I eventually found is called Depersonalization disorder, even though I don't name it in this fic; I'm also not a psychologist or a professional, so what little facts I've put down about this disorder is based on my understanding of the research I did looking into this disorder. Therefore, I have no idea if my interpretation is right at all :)
That said...*crosses fingers and hope that you liked it*