Calling marlenem up to bat. (Part 1)
A fastball for: marlenem
Pitching done by: A ninja turtle.
Title: Chasing Dreams
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Wordcount: 17 021
Rating: PG-13
Genre/Warning: Angst/ Psychological/ Romance
Notes: Dear marlenem, I hope you like this :) As you will see, once you start reading, I tried to incorporate a few of your preferences into one thing :D Hopefully, that didn't turn out too badly lol XD Also, thank you to my beta for all her help with this fic :) My struggle to be a perfectionist while writing this fic probably annoyed her too many times to count :)
Summary: They pretend for now, like perfect fools in love, that life is perfect.
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further notes about this fic that would probably be useful/that i need to say:
This fic is meant to be divided into two parts. These two parts are from each of their (Ryo and Kame's) perspectives, but unfortunately, i wrote too much and the fic doesn't fit into 2 parts *sigh* ): but, since you've read this and now know, you should be able to tell when 'part 1' ends and 'part 2' starts, as they were intended, since perspectives have switched.
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When Nishikido Ryo was young, he had impossible dreams that seemed possible; they changed every week, ranging from being an astronaut so he could prove to his brother that it was possible to pluck a star out of the night sky, to being a successful business man, the kind that could afford every single toy on the planet, someone whom people would never think of saying no to, and practically everything in between that could be dreamt of.
Being a child is infinitely easier than being an adult, Ryo thinks to himself as he sits behind the counter of his store, strumming a sad, melancholy tune on the guitar, absently. There's only one other person in the main area of the shop with him, staring almost obsessively at the display of guitars hanging on the wall; Ryo can already tell that it'll be some time before the guy makes a decision about whether or not it's worth paying all that money for a guitar.
He keeps strumming that sad, melancholy tune even as the bell above the main door rings.
Ryo looks up, "You're late, Yamapi," he retorts.
Yamashita Tomohisa looks sheepish but still shoots a dark look at Ryo, "Can you ever play anything that doesn't make me feel like I should go run into a corner and burst into tears?" he demands.
Ryo only scoffs in response.
When Yamapi rolls his eyes at Ryo and promptly throws something at him, Ryo moves to the side, causing the magazine to hit the wall behind him before falling to the floor in a burst of fluttering pages, "I could fire you," Ryo comments dryly.
"You could, but then who would look after the store for you when you're off with Kazuya?" Yamapi retorted, "Speaking of Kazuya, I saw that at the bookstore earlier and thought you might like it. It's an old edition, of course."
Putting his guitar down on the counter, Ryo picks up the magazine. Immediately, a much too familiar photo assaults his eyes, and for a moment, he can remember a flash of light, carefree laughter, and the sensation of fingers brushing along his jaw line.
Ryo shakes himself out of it when he notices Yamapi staring at him warily; Ryo glares at him, "Why are you even giving me this? I do have the original at home." he snaps. Of course he does; it's even framed.
"Because I needed a chance to ask you how Kazuya's doing," Yamapi answers without missing a beat, "How's Kazuya doing?" he asks brightly.
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Ryo scoffs.
"Because you're stupid and monopolizing him." Yamapi retorts.
"I really can fire you, you know."
"Kazuya won't improve if you don't make him get out of his studio, you know," Yamapi returns.
Ryo scowls, before grabbing his jacket and standing up, "I’m going now. Try not to destroy the store."
He's out the door before Yamapi can even protest. The bell jingles loudly as the door slams behind him. When he's outside, he takes a deep breath before he pulls out his cell phone.
Ryo hates the feeling of anxiety every time he calls Kazuya now, wondering if he'll pick up, wondering if he can pick up.
"Hey," a familiar, but distinctively solemn, voice answers.
"I'll be there soon," Ryo says right away, "Don't go anywhere."
"I know," Kazuya answers and Ryo reassures himself by imagining that there's a smile starting on Kazuya's face, like the ones Kazuya told him he would get whenever he talks to Ryo. This time, Kazuya's voice has a sigh to it though.
"How was it?" Ryo asks slowly, "With the doctor, I mean."
Kazuya doesn't answer.
* * *
Ryo can't remember a time when Kazuya didn't have a camera as his constant companion, which was why, when he reaches the medical office, he isn't all too surprised to see Kazuya curled up on a chair in the waiting room and looking through the pictures on his camera. Even before everything had changed, Ryo had quickly accepted that anywhere he went with Kamenashi Kazuya, there would always be an added companion in the form of a camera, whether it was a small point and shoot, his phone camera, or one of those large, expensive cameras.
Once upon a time, Ryo would marvel, in his own special way - meaning he had said it bluntly and rudely - that he was surprised Kazuya could even lift the damn thing, since it looked like it was about half his weight. Ryo would then delight in the surprised look that crossed Kazuya's face before it was followed by a wry smile.
Now, Ryo doesn't even mention it.
Now, when Kazuya lifts the camera up and takes a quick photo of Ryo, Ryo no longer spends hours plotting on getting that camera away from Kazuya; he's come to accept that Kazuya would forever have hundred, maybe even thousands, of embarrassing photos featuring Ryo.
Kazuya lowers the camera with a pleased smile threatening to come over his face; Ryo lets a grin begin to cross his lips as well at seeing that.
Then he stops.
Kazuya's smile falls almost as suddenly as it appears, when he hears the door open; Kazuya stubbornly sits back down on the couch without saying a word, as the doctor approaches Ryo.
Ryo glances at Kazuya and sighs; he knows from experience that Kazuya will refuse to say a single word as long as he's in here. Kazuya can be surprisingly stubborn, but Ryo, of course, knew that long before this; he's known it for as long as he's known Kazuya. That's one of the reasons why Ryo gave up his initial dislike of Kazuya all those years ago: the grudging respect for the younger man's determination overpowered that dislike over time.
Kazuya's attention is focused on the camera again; Ryo sighs and walks a distance away with the doctor, "What?" he asks a bit impatiently, a bit shortly.
He can't help it; it seems he goes through this every time he comes in here.
"Nishikido-san..."
"I can't make him talk, you know," Ryo interrupts, "That's up to him."
"Have you considered a more specialized institution -”
A noise from Kazuya's corner makes them both look in his direction. Kazuya has packed his camera into his bag, and he walks over to the two of them. Ryo can only stare in surprise when Kazuya grabs his hand and drags him out of the office, slamming the door behind him.
Ryo can't help but think, even as Kazuya drags him along the streets with a stormy expression, that neither of them have been really at peace in a long time; they're perfectly fine with each other, happy even, but the world almost seems to be against them all the time, and the constant happiness that once felt like it was their right has been so fleeting lately, unlike that time before everything changed.
Ryo misses those days.
* * *
"You're the one who wanted to keep going to the doctor," Ryo comments as soon as they're in their apartment, taking off their jackets. Kazuya pauses in the middle of hanging up his in the hall closet; his stormy mood disappeared five minutes after leaving the doctor's. Ryo isn't entirely surprised about that; Kazuya's always at his worst when he's in that office, talking about what's bothering him, and Ryo knows from personal experience that Kazuya hates talking about what makes him different from everyone else. He would rather throw himself into his photography and not think about the world outside the bubble with himself and Ryo.
"I know," Kazuya says after a moment, as he grips the hanger tightly, "I just hate it once I'm there."
"Why?" Ryo wants to know; he really wants to know why Kazuya is so determined to try to get help, but once he's there, he doesn't even talk to the guy.
Kazuya looks chagrined, and he busies himself with the point and shoot camera that was apparently hidden in his jacket pocket. Ryo raises an eyebrow as Kazuya smiles distractedly and tries to take a picture of him. Ryo's not having any of it, though; he places a hand on top of Kazuya's and brings the camera down, taking the small device from the younger man.
Ryo hates making Kazuya talk like this, but if he doesn't do it, then Kazuya won't say a word to anyone else; besides, Ryo doesn't mind being the bad guy sometimes. His friends have claimed at one point that he's a jackass anyways, so it doesn't bother him to be the bad guy.
Kazuya scowls at Ryo, glaring, trying to brush past him. Ryo doesn't let him through, though. He even grips Kazuya's wrist in his hand, not willing to take the chance that the younger man will just hit him; Kazuya can be amazingly stubborn like that.
Finally, Kazuya falters and a sigh escapes his lips as he answers, "He's always asking me about you." the younger man admits, "He doesn't think you know how to handle me.”
Ryo feels like someone's punched him in the gut.
Ever since he found out about Kazuya's situation, and the nightmare of the reality that Kazuya goes through every day, Ryo's tried his hardest to be the best everything to Kazuya - the best roommate, the best boyfriend, the best lover, the best caregiver when the situation worsened and he had to take on that role. Kazuya's family would have had him in a medical centre for most of his life, but Ryo fought and fought and fought until he earned the damn right to be responsible for his lover, to be able to keep Kazuya near him.
"It's stupid," Kazuya declares, "It doesn't take that much work to handle me; I don't need to be taken care of like I'm a child, I’m not an invalid that can't even bathe or cook for himself!" he glares angrily at nothing in particular, "I can!"
Ryo feels his hand dropping, and Kazuya's hand drops with his.
He's always known that people think that he can't handle it - being responsible for Kazuya as his situation gets worse. They don't think he can handle that because if he's too close to Kazuya, he won't be able to help Kazuya, but they're wrong. He also knows that they don't think he's serious about this, that he'll realize he can't handle it eventually and admit they're right. Ryo seethes when he hears comments like those.
Sometimes, it does hurt, especially on one of Kazuya's bad days, but…
"Pi thinks I'm monopolizing you and keeping you from improving." Ryo says stiffly, out of the blue.
Kazuya frowns, "He hasn't stopped by lately."
Ryo shrugs; he doesn't want to explain to Kazuya that although Kazuya probably dismissed it because it had been during one of his episodes, Yamapi had seen Kazuya during one of his bad days, when Kazuya spends the entire day alternating between being detached from everything and feeling anxiety about everything. It comes and goes though, and luckily, there are days when Kazuya doesn't experience any of that.
But, of course, Kazuya has never been slow on the uptake and he quickly realizes what Ryo doesn't want to say.
"He was there…once, wasn't he?" Kazuya encroaches slowly, "When I was…"
Ryo watches in dismay as his lover's face falls and transforms into an emotionless mask. He has a distant look, almost like he's not completely there, and Ryo wonders if it shows that, inside, he feels like breaking down in the opposite way.
Detachedness from reality, that's one of the symptoms of Kazuya's condition; some people say it's a defence mechanism, that it lets him retreat into a safe place, away from the hurt.
But Ryo disagrees completely.
How is it safe or free when he knows that, when Kazuya's episodes are over and his lover returns to reality, Kazuya's been to Hell instead?
Ryo morphs his face into an uncaring mask and he takes Kazuya's hand to hold it tightly.
* * *
Whenever Kazuya manages to break out of that state in which he detaches himself from everything and everyone around him, often times, he’s a nervous wreck, because when he’s in that state, he feels as though he has no control over himself or the world around him and that frightens Kazuya. The visit in which Yamapi witnessed one of Kazuya’s bad days isn’t the first time that Kazuya’s conveniently forgotten something unpleasant happening during his detached state; according to professionals, when Kazuya goes into that state, it will almost be like he’s dreaming, watching life happen from a detached perspective, and Kazuya often ends up thinking that it was all nothing but a distant dream. And yet, when he realizes that it was real, Kazuya tends to suffer bouts of anxiety. It's natural, though, since it probably feels like he's going out of his mind or something. And it's also natural for Kazuya to just want to forget some of his episodes.
Ryo doesn’t though, Ryo remembers everything.
He remembers every listless movement when Kazuya’s in his detached state, and the anxiety the younger man feels when he’s out of it.
Ryo never mentions the late night, slightly incoherent confessions that Kazuya doesn’t want to keep losing his mind like this.
His friends and family don't know this, and that's why they can't seem to accept that Ryo can't walk away from this relationship. They don't want to understand that Ryo doesn't want to walk away from Kazuya.
This isn’t an ordinary relationship; it’s a bit dysfunctional, because in a way, Ryo is Kazuya’s caretaker, but nobody else before Kazuya has made his heart hurt from whispered confessions before.
Ryo’s been known for being an absolute jackass, but Kazuya’s the one exception.
Once upon a time, whispered confessions from his partner of the week made him laugh, scoff at, and scorn their feelings. It’s a sign, Ryo thinks, when even before he found out about Kazuya’s condition, he couldn't scorn Kazuya’s feelings. He could only hide the fact that those affections pleased him, and then glare angrily when Kazuya teased him for it.
That’s why, when Kazuya’s having a good day, and Ryo doesn’t try to hold back in showing his affections, he tries not to think of the past. He wants to think of the here and now.
Like how, right now, Kazuya’s eyes are closed as their lips crush against each other’s, Ryo’s hand sliding down the smooth expanse of Kazuya’s back.
They don’t speak, but that’s because they’re more focused on driving the other crazy; Ryo doesn’t hesitate to admit that.
Kazuya’s lips turn up into a smirk, almost as if he knows what Ryo’s thinking, and he tugs just a little on the fistful of Ryo’s hair he has grabbed a few seconds ago, “Stop thinking,” he insists, not leaving any room for argument. Ryo doesn’t argue, and soon, he has Kazuya unable to speak, unable to even think coherently.
The hours he spends just being there, feeling helpless, while Kazuya works out his feelings and anxiety from another one of his episodes aren’t important compared to moments like this.
Sometimes, Ryo has to remind Kazuya that losing one’s mind isn’t always a bad thing.
* * *
Ryo's been called paranoid many times, overprotective and possessive as well, particularly when he turned the upper level of his shop into a photography studio for Kazuya. It's so that when Ryo has to work, he knows that Kazuya isn't far away and there isn't much of a chance that Kazuya will have one of his episodes, wander off and then find himself in the middle of an anxiety attack on the street somewhere.
Kazuya was the one to suggest it, to suggest selling his old studio; when Kazuya has one of his episodes, he'll feel as though he has no control so if he wanders off, he feels as though he can't stop himself at all. This way, if Kazuya does have an episode, Ryo will be around to make sure Kazuya will be alright.
Maybe Ryo is being paranoid, but it's for a good reason.
When Ryo goes back down after lunch one day, he finds Yamapi sitting at the counter, as he apparently showed up early for work. Ryo blanches at the sight for a moment, before he remarks that he didn't think Yamapi was capable of showing up on time for once.
Yamapi glares, before his gaze flickers up to the door leading to the upper floor, "Is he here today then?" he asks cautiously.
Ryo forces down the urge to snap at Yamapi and instead, gives a short nod.
"Are you going to let him come down today?" Yamapi asks pointedly.
Ryo glares at his friend, "I don't make him stay up there. It's his choice."
"Just like it's your choice to take care of him?" Yamapi questions.
Ryo opens his mouth to answer, but Yamapi interrupts him yet again.
"What are you going to do all your life, Ryo, just keep him from ever getting hurt? Forever?" Yamapi questions with a bite in his voice, "Even you must know that that's not reasonable."
Ryo kicks at Yamapi, who dodges, and then he turns to pretend not to listen to Yamapi as he walks across the store to look at the music book display.
"You can't just keep him safe forever, you have to live your life at some point too." Yamapi continues as though he doesn't notice that Ryo's trying to flip through the books so loudly that he can pretend not to have heard Yamapi.
"It's like I don't even know you anymore sometimes," Yamapi starts, "You shouldn't stay with him and take care of him out of guilt or a misplaced feeling of obligation -”
Ryo slams the book shut, rattling the display with the force he puts into it. He turns around with a furious look in his eyes and Yamapi blinks at him.
"I'm not doing this out of obligation or guilt!" Ryo snaps, "I'm doing this because I want to."
"Because it's been your life dream to take care of someone who retreats into his mind half the time whenever he gets hurt."
"It's not like he asked to be like this," Ryo hisses out, becoming more and more incensed at Yamapi.
"That doesn't mean you should waste your life being responsible for him," Yamapi counters, "I like Kazuya, he's great…when he's not having an episode, but just because you were dating him when you found out about his condition, it doesn't mean you're required to stay with him."
"I know that." Ryo snaps before he stands up.
He doesn't bother looking back at Yamapi as he heads up to Kazuya's studio; he can feel his friend's gaze following him, but Ryo doesn't turn around.
"This is my choice," he says with an edge in his voice, "You can't change anything. I chose this."
In the end, it's all about choices, and Ryo made his the moment Kazuya took his breath and soul away with little whispered confessions, followed by slow, lingering kisses in the dead of night.
* * *
Ryo knows it's going to be a good day when he wakes up to brown eyes, a familiar teasing smile, and fingers that reach out to trace lines over his jaw and down his neck. The sun shines in through the cracks in the blinds, down on them, and Ryo is glad that he doesn't have to go anywhere today because, for now, he's able to enjoy the feeling of being the centre of Kazuya's world.
Ryo closes his eyes again, and he delights in the amused laugh that comes from Kazuya.
"Ryo, get up," Kazuya implores, and there's most likely a grin on his face, one that Ryo sees often enough, but mostly between Kazuya's episodes or bad days, so whenever Ryo does get moments like this, he relishes it as much as he can.
"Let me sleep," Ryo grumbles out, but inwardly, he's very much awake. He just wants to take advantage of this good day and pretend like there aren't bad days that cast shadows over Kazuya's smile and place darkness in Ryo's heart.
Ryo can almost see the teasing smirk making its way across Kazuya's face, and his eyes snap open when he hears a familiar noise. He stares into the lens of a Polaroid camera that must have been hidden in Kazuya's bedside table.
Kazuya waves the picture that comes out, looks at it, and bursts into a grin, "Definitely a keeper." he comments to Ryo, "Maybe I'll send this in with my next submission?" he teases.
"Don't you dare," Ryo retorts quickly, "Give me that, Kazuya."
Ryo reaches for the picture, but Kazuya pulls it out of his grasp.
"No way, I'm keeping this."
"You're not sending it in," Ryo protests, still trying to reach for it.
Kazuya smirks a little, and instead, places it under his pillow before lying back down, keeping Ryo from getting to it. Ryo growls lightly, which only makes Kazuya become more amused.
"I'll get that somehow," Ryo promises.
"I'd like to see you try." Kazuya challenges.
Ryo shuts Kazuya up with a kiss, his heart feeling like it's skipping every other beat.
They pretend for now, like perfect fools in love, that life is perfect.
* * *
Photography is a big part of Kazuya's life; it's what he loves to do, or maybe, it's what he feels like he needs to do. After he comes out of his detached state, only the pictures he takes during these episodes will remind him that whatever happens is real. It's become so important that during these episodes, although seeming as though he's off in another world, Kazuya will grab the nearest camera and go around taking pictures of everything around him. Ryo's learned to accept that as well.
He doesn't mind the photography at all; it's what brought them together in the first place.
Ryo's thoughts during the day are possessed by Kazuya as he is now; and at night, he dreams of his old life, a life where Kazuya wasn't tormented by his own mind.
Back then, before Kazuya's condition worsened and he could still hide his condition, Kazuya and Ryo had known each other through Yamapi, and Ryo's first response was to insult him.
Kazuya seemed dumbfounded about how to respond to that, but many months - and with a developed tradition of insults and bantering - later, Ryo found himself agreeing to help Kazuya with a photography project. Or, more like, Ryo was told that he couldn't handle the job and Ryo was determined to prove that he could.
It wasn’t until he had seen the satisfied smirk on Kazuya's face that Ryo realized that he'd been had.
And it also wasn't until Kazuya sat him down in his studio - the old one now - and bluntly told him to take his shirt off and act like the jackass that they both knew he was that Ryo realized that he had somehow agreed to be Kazuya's latest victim and model.
Victim, because Kazuya was known for going through his photography subjects as quickly as Ryo went through his partners and lovers.
But being in the studio with Kazuya - and with his pride refusing to let him back out - allowed him to see a side of Kazuya that he had never seen before. It was a side that seemed to overwhelm him, when he saw Kazuya doing something that he so obviously loved and almost needed.
It wouldn't be until much later before he realized that Kazuya really had needed photography in his life.
Between the close proximity, the way that Kazuya almost seemed to pierce through his very soul with the photos he took, and the casual, good-natured teasing and bantering that took place, Ryo couldn't help but find himself more and more drawn into the enigma that was Kamenashi Kazuya.
And one day, one day when Kazuya's camera was only inches from Ryo's face, taking a close up, in the middle of the usual teasing and banter, Ryo kissed Kazuya.
This led to the longest relationship that Ryo ever had, and although his friends had found it strange, Ryo wasn't about to let go of this feeling.
In love, he had decided, was a good state to be in.
As the months passed, he began to notice little things that were off about Kazuya at times, but chalked it up to his imagination.
A year later, Ryo realized that there was something seriously wrong with Kazuya when the younger man clutched at the pictures he had taken of the two of them the night before, breathed out, "It was real," and then, promptly locked himself in the bathroom.
Ryo often wishes that Kazuya's condition never worsened like it had, but since he can't change that, he can only be grateful that Kazuya no longer locks himself away and hides from Ryo.
Kazuya's condition is bared for them both to see and face, like they should, and Ryo refuses to listen to what anyone else has to say. They're asking him to be a coward and walk away from Kazuya just when he finally finds out all that's possible about Kazuya - all his secrets, all his mysteries, his strengths as well as his faults.
* * *
One day, while Kazuya is busy in his studio, Ryo picks up the magazine that Yamapi threw at him that one time; his friend apparently never bothered to take it away and left it behind the counter. From the way the pages are worn, Ryo has a feeling that Yamapi's been reading through this magazine a lot.
The most faded pages are in the middle of the issue, where Kazuya's name screams out at him with large, bolded letters, and there's a picture of Ryo's silhouette on the fire escape of Kazuya's old studio, dark and shadowy against the fading light of the setting sun. It's the only picture from Ryo's short stint as Kazuya's model that's ever made it past the confines of Kazuya's studio.
Kazuya once joked that he didn’t want to share all of Ryo's secrets, exposed by the camera, with the world. They're his, Kazuya claimed back then. Ryo doesn't think he'll mind if Kazuya never stops claiming them as his.
That's how Kazuya makes a living despite his condition. He can't hold down a steady job, so instead, he retreats into his studio or, at times, into the city with Ryo, and puts all his effort into creating masterpieces that magazines are just dying to buy and publish. One photography magazine even offers Kazuya a little section where he can take pictures of whatever he wants and write something to go along with it.
"So," Kazuya's voice interrupts Ryo as the door leading upstairs opens, "I need inspiration and your face is always full of it." he says brightly.
Ryo groans, burying his face into the pages of the magazine, "Really, Kazuya, really?"
Kazuya grins unrepentantly, apparently in a good mood, “Oh come on, it wasn't that bad," he protests.
Ryo begs to differ.
"We have really got to work on your self-confidence issues," Kazuya comments while looking purposefully at Ryo.
Ryo splutters in surprise, "What self-confidence issues?" he demands.
"The ones that get you all embarrassed and annoyed when I compliment you."
"Saying my face is inspirational is not complimenting me, it's cheesy," Ryo argues, "And of course it's inspirational. This is me we're talking about." he adds.
Kazuya merely grins.
"Pi will be here soon. You have an appointment today, remember." Ryo inwardly winces even as he says those words.
Kazuya's face falls, but Ryo is pretty sure that the younger man hasn't forgotten it; he was probably hoping that Ryo wouldn't remember.
"Do I have to?" Kazuya asks, "Can't we just say I'm sick or something?"
Ryo raises his eyebrows, "That's what I suggested last time, and at the last minute, you had me call and say you were fine after all."
Kazuya looks away with a chagrined expression.
"You're the one who keeps insisting on going." Ryo remarks.
He often wonders about that, and Kazuya's never really explained why he has such a need to go. Maybe it's because he always went before Ryo took full responsibility for him, or maybe he just wants to hope that going would somehow make him better over time - or at least, showing that he's at least trying, because Ryo knows that Kazuya doesn't even talk to the doctor once he's there.
Kazuya mutters something about responsibility, and Ryo rolls his eyes.
"I'm not forcing you to do anything you don't want to, but you should at least want to go," Ryo says seriously, looking at Kazuya with a frown.
Kazuya returns the frown, "Call me down when Pi gets here." he says after a moment, before retreating upstairs.
Ryo sighs in exasperation.
When Yamapi does arrive and he calls Kazuya down, he sighs again when he sees the familiar strap of a camera sticking out of Kazuya's bag; he waves at Yamapi, noticing that his friend is staring at Kazuya with a tinge of worry and regret, and leaves with Kazuya before Yamapi can say anything upsetting. Yamapi does have a habit of saying the wrong things sometimes, and he doesn't have a history of insulting Kazuya like Ryo does, so Kazuya is more easily upset by Yamapi.
By now, Kazuya's used to Ryo and his scathing words.
Ryo smirks to himself as he surveys Kazuya from behind; Kazuya is probably the only one in the world who would actually put up with Ryo and his tendency to carelessly rip into someone's feelings and confidence. Just like Ryo's probably the only one who accepts Kazuya's condition and adapts himself to his lover's needs and wants, while still retaining that same balance that made their relationship so worth fighting for.
It may be cheesy, but Ryo kind of thinks that they were made for each other.
* * *
When Ryo returns to the shop to help out while Kazuya’s holed up in the doctor’s office, Ryo finds Yamapi with a rather nasty surprise.
Or, well, it’s a nasty surprise for him because Ueda Tatsuya is standing in the middle of his shop, looking with a frown through a magazine as he is obviously waiting for Ryo’s return. Ueda is standing against the counter, and from the way his eyes are flickering around, Ryo can tell that he doesn’t approve at all.
Ryo makes sure to take extra long in taking off his coat before finally acknowledging Kazuya’s best friend.
“He called the other day,” Yamapi explains a bit awkwardly.
Ryo scowls but doesn’t say anything to Yamapi, even though a warning would have been really nice, “Kazuya didn’t mention you were back in town,” he comments. He’s not very friendly but since, out of all of Kazuya’s friends, Ueda was the one who was most vocal about not wanting Kazuya to stay with Ryo, he has reason not to be. In fact, the way he remembers it, Ueda only gave up about that because his job had required him to work across the country for a while.
“He doesn’t know,” Ueda remarks, “I figured I’d ask around and see how he was doing first.”
“He’s going to hate that.” Ryo said immediately. If he’s learned anything about Kazuya during the time they’ve been dating, it’s that Kazuya hates being treated like he can’t make his own decisions.
“I would say I have good reason to poke around first,” Ueda snaps back, “From what I hear about how things have been lately, I have very good reasons to hate you.”
“And what,” Ryo drawls out, trying to keep his temper in control, “Have you been hearing exactly? Because it seems like it’s different from my perspective. And you’ve been out of town. So what could you possibly know?”
“I know that none of my friends have seen Kazuya at all lately.” Ueda says coldly, “I know that you’re the only one who ever sees him.”
“They’d have to come around for them to see him.” Ryo retorts.
“It’s not like Kazuya not to call them to go out.”
“Well,” Ryo snaps with a growl in his voice, “When your mind becomes unpredictable and you’re afraid of scaring the people you love, you tend to keep them at a distance. Unless they make sure that you know that you won’t take no for an answer.”
“Like you, apparently,” Ueda says with a tone of derision, “I see it differently. What’s better, for a jerk like you I mean, than a boyfriend who willingly stays inside and doesn’t go out? You can do whatever you want and nobody would ever know.”
Ryo can’t control himself when he realizes what Ueda is implying. He takes a step forward angrily, “I would never do anything like that!” he yells even as he slams a hand on the counter. He pauses, sneering, “But what would someone who chooses a job over Kazuya know? You probably spent your time thinking up horrible situations that I would put him in, just to make yourself feel less like a failure as a friend.”
Ueda’s expression is furious.
“At least,” he says with a brief look at Yamapi, “I haven’t put my life on hold. Do you think Kazuya really wanted you to abandon everything for him?”
Ryo clenches his fists and he takes a deep breath before answering, “I chose what felt was right.”
“Or what felt safe,” Yamapi says softly.
Ryo turns his head sharply to his best friend, “Shut up, Pi.”
Yamapi seems to realize that this is totally not the time to bring up an old conversation and shuts his mouth. Ryo can only be grateful this time; he doesn’t need to deal with Yamapi’s issues with his relationship at the same time he’s trying to deal with Ueda’s issues.
“I chose what felt right,” Ryo continues without hesitation, looking Ueda in the eye with a challenging look, “Can you say the same for yourself?”
Ueda doesn’t say anything, but his eyes are cautious, “So why don’t I believe that you’re doing what’s best for Kazuya?”
“Because, just like everyone else, you’re determined to think that Kazuya’s condition makes him a different person. He’s not. He’s still the person who would punch the daylights out of me if I ever did something horrible - to him, to anyone else. He’s still the person who constantly makes it his daily goal to embarrass me, and he’s still the person who would have teased his friends - if they hadn’t been acting like he was a different person. That’s why he stopped calling them. He’s not suddenly a different person just because he has this condition; he may need a bit more…attention than before, but he’s still Kazuya.” Ryo finishes with a confidence that he never realized he had about the situation. But it also fills him with a sort of insecurity that he can’t explain.
Ueda stares at him with a ‘you expect me to believe that’ look.
Ryo just shrugs, no longer feeling angry about Ueda’s words; they seem to have less bite when he realizes that, despite knowing Ueda longer, Ryo's seen much more of Kazuya in recent months than Ueda.
Ryo’s stuck by Kazuya’s side, and Kazuya knows what Ryo’s done.
That’s all that really matters, right? Ryo hates that there’s a hesitant tone when he asks himself that. He shouldn't let Ueda's words bother him; it's not as though Ueda knows what he's talking about.
“I need to pick up Kazuya soon,” Ryo lies. From Yamapi’s sharp look, he realizes that there’s still awhile before Ryo has to leave to pick up Kazuya, but Ryo suddenly feels trapped, and doesn’t want to stay in the shop anymore.
He leaves the shop quickly, and as he walks, he repeats the words in his head. What matters is that Kazuya knows what Ryo’s done, right? What Ryo’s done…
…is stay by Kazuya side, when Kazuya needed it the most; even when everyone was against it, he didn’t budge. He chose what he thought was most important at the time, and he chose right.
So why do I feel like…I’m in a dream that’s about to end when I don’t want it to?
* * *
next
Pitching done by: A ninja turtle.
Title: Chasing Dreams
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Wordcount: 17 021
Rating: PG-13
Genre/Warning: Angst/ Psychological/ Romance
Notes: Dear marlenem, I hope you like this :) As you will see, once you start reading, I tried to incorporate a few of your preferences into one thing :D Hopefully, that didn't turn out too badly lol XD Also, thank you to my beta for all her help with this fic :) My struggle to be a perfectionist while writing this fic probably annoyed her too many times to count :)
Summary: They pretend for now, like perfect fools in love, that life is perfect.
--
further notes about this fic that would probably be useful/that i need to say:
This fic is meant to be divided into two parts. These two parts are from each of their (Ryo and Kame's) perspectives, but unfortunately, i wrote too much and the fic doesn't fit into 2 parts *sigh* ): but, since you've read this and now know, you should be able to tell when 'part 1' ends and 'part 2' starts, as they were intended, since perspectives have switched.
--
When Nishikido Ryo was young, he had impossible dreams that seemed possible; they changed every week, ranging from being an astronaut so he could prove to his brother that it was possible to pluck a star out of the night sky, to being a successful business man, the kind that could afford every single toy on the planet, someone whom people would never think of saying no to, and practically everything in between that could be dreamt of.
Being a child is infinitely easier than being an adult, Ryo thinks to himself as he sits behind the counter of his store, strumming a sad, melancholy tune on the guitar, absently. There's only one other person in the main area of the shop with him, staring almost obsessively at the display of guitars hanging on the wall; Ryo can already tell that it'll be some time before the guy makes a decision about whether or not it's worth paying all that money for a guitar.
He keeps strumming that sad, melancholy tune even as the bell above the main door rings.
Ryo looks up, "You're late, Yamapi," he retorts.
Yamashita Tomohisa looks sheepish but still shoots a dark look at Ryo, "Can you ever play anything that doesn't make me feel like I should go run into a corner and burst into tears?" he demands.
Ryo only scoffs in response.
When Yamapi rolls his eyes at Ryo and promptly throws something at him, Ryo moves to the side, causing the magazine to hit the wall behind him before falling to the floor in a burst of fluttering pages, "I could fire you," Ryo comments dryly.
"You could, but then who would look after the store for you when you're off with Kazuya?" Yamapi retorted, "Speaking of Kazuya, I saw that at the bookstore earlier and thought you might like it. It's an old edition, of course."
Putting his guitar down on the counter, Ryo picks up the magazine. Immediately, a much too familiar photo assaults his eyes, and for a moment, he can remember a flash of light, carefree laughter, and the sensation of fingers brushing along his jaw line.
Ryo shakes himself out of it when he notices Yamapi staring at him warily; Ryo glares at him, "Why are you even giving me this? I do have the original at home." he snaps. Of course he does; it's even framed.
"Because I needed a chance to ask you how Kazuya's doing," Yamapi answers without missing a beat, "How's Kazuya doing?" he asks brightly.
"Why don't you ask him yourself?" Ryo scoffs.
"Because you're stupid and monopolizing him." Yamapi retorts.
"I really can fire you, you know."
"Kazuya won't improve if you don't make him get out of his studio, you know," Yamapi returns.
Ryo scowls, before grabbing his jacket and standing up, "I’m going now. Try not to destroy the store."
He's out the door before Yamapi can even protest. The bell jingles loudly as the door slams behind him. When he's outside, he takes a deep breath before he pulls out his cell phone.
Ryo hates the feeling of anxiety every time he calls Kazuya now, wondering if he'll pick up, wondering if he can pick up.
"Hey," a familiar, but distinctively solemn, voice answers.
"I'll be there soon," Ryo says right away, "Don't go anywhere."
"I know," Kazuya answers and Ryo reassures himself by imagining that there's a smile starting on Kazuya's face, like the ones Kazuya told him he would get whenever he talks to Ryo. This time, Kazuya's voice has a sigh to it though.
"How was it?" Ryo asks slowly, "With the doctor, I mean."
Kazuya doesn't answer.
* * *
Ryo can't remember a time when Kazuya didn't have a camera as his constant companion, which was why, when he reaches the medical office, he isn't all too surprised to see Kazuya curled up on a chair in the waiting room and looking through the pictures on his camera. Even before everything had changed, Ryo had quickly accepted that anywhere he went with Kamenashi Kazuya, there would always be an added companion in the form of a camera, whether it was a small point and shoot, his phone camera, or one of those large, expensive cameras.
Once upon a time, Ryo would marvel, in his own special way - meaning he had said it bluntly and rudely - that he was surprised Kazuya could even lift the damn thing, since it looked like it was about half his weight. Ryo would then delight in the surprised look that crossed Kazuya's face before it was followed by a wry smile.
Now, Ryo doesn't even mention it.
Now, when Kazuya lifts the camera up and takes a quick photo of Ryo, Ryo no longer spends hours plotting on getting that camera away from Kazuya; he's come to accept that Kazuya would forever have hundred, maybe even thousands, of embarrassing photos featuring Ryo.
Kazuya lowers the camera with a pleased smile threatening to come over his face; Ryo lets a grin begin to cross his lips as well at seeing that.
Then he stops.
Kazuya's smile falls almost as suddenly as it appears, when he hears the door open; Kazuya stubbornly sits back down on the couch without saying a word, as the doctor approaches Ryo.
Ryo glances at Kazuya and sighs; he knows from experience that Kazuya will refuse to say a single word as long as he's in here. Kazuya can be surprisingly stubborn, but Ryo, of course, knew that long before this; he's known it for as long as he's known Kazuya. That's one of the reasons why Ryo gave up his initial dislike of Kazuya all those years ago: the grudging respect for the younger man's determination overpowered that dislike over time.
Kazuya's attention is focused on the camera again; Ryo sighs and walks a distance away with the doctor, "What?" he asks a bit impatiently, a bit shortly.
He can't help it; it seems he goes through this every time he comes in here.
"Nishikido-san..."
"I can't make him talk, you know," Ryo interrupts, "That's up to him."
"Have you considered a more specialized institution -”
A noise from Kazuya's corner makes them both look in his direction. Kazuya has packed his camera into his bag, and he walks over to the two of them. Ryo can only stare in surprise when Kazuya grabs his hand and drags him out of the office, slamming the door behind him.
Ryo can't help but think, even as Kazuya drags him along the streets with a stormy expression, that neither of them have been really at peace in a long time; they're perfectly fine with each other, happy even, but the world almost seems to be against them all the time, and the constant happiness that once felt like it was their right has been so fleeting lately, unlike that time before everything changed.
Ryo misses those days.
* * *
"You're the one who wanted to keep going to the doctor," Ryo comments as soon as they're in their apartment, taking off their jackets. Kazuya pauses in the middle of hanging up his in the hall closet; his stormy mood disappeared five minutes after leaving the doctor's. Ryo isn't entirely surprised about that; Kazuya's always at his worst when he's in that office, talking about what's bothering him, and Ryo knows from personal experience that Kazuya hates talking about what makes him different from everyone else. He would rather throw himself into his photography and not think about the world outside the bubble with himself and Ryo.
"I know," Kazuya says after a moment, as he grips the hanger tightly, "I just hate it once I'm there."
"Why?" Ryo wants to know; he really wants to know why Kazuya is so determined to try to get help, but once he's there, he doesn't even talk to the guy.
Kazuya looks chagrined, and he busies himself with the point and shoot camera that was apparently hidden in his jacket pocket. Ryo raises an eyebrow as Kazuya smiles distractedly and tries to take a picture of him. Ryo's not having any of it, though; he places a hand on top of Kazuya's and brings the camera down, taking the small device from the younger man.
Ryo hates making Kazuya talk like this, but if he doesn't do it, then Kazuya won't say a word to anyone else; besides, Ryo doesn't mind being the bad guy sometimes. His friends have claimed at one point that he's a jackass anyways, so it doesn't bother him to be the bad guy.
Kazuya scowls at Ryo, glaring, trying to brush past him. Ryo doesn't let him through, though. He even grips Kazuya's wrist in his hand, not willing to take the chance that the younger man will just hit him; Kazuya can be amazingly stubborn like that.
Finally, Kazuya falters and a sigh escapes his lips as he answers, "He's always asking me about you." the younger man admits, "He doesn't think you know how to handle me.”
Ryo feels like someone's punched him in the gut.
Ever since he found out about Kazuya's situation, and the nightmare of the reality that Kazuya goes through every day, Ryo's tried his hardest to be the best everything to Kazuya - the best roommate, the best boyfriend, the best lover, the best caregiver when the situation worsened and he had to take on that role. Kazuya's family would have had him in a medical centre for most of his life, but Ryo fought and fought and fought until he earned the damn right to be responsible for his lover, to be able to keep Kazuya near him.
"It's stupid," Kazuya declares, "It doesn't take that much work to handle me; I don't need to be taken care of like I'm a child, I’m not an invalid that can't even bathe or cook for himself!" he glares angrily at nothing in particular, "I can!"
Ryo feels his hand dropping, and Kazuya's hand drops with his.
He's always known that people think that he can't handle it - being responsible for Kazuya as his situation gets worse. They don't think he can handle that because if he's too close to Kazuya, he won't be able to help Kazuya, but they're wrong. He also knows that they don't think he's serious about this, that he'll realize he can't handle it eventually and admit they're right. Ryo seethes when he hears comments like those.
Sometimes, it does hurt, especially on one of Kazuya's bad days, but…
"Pi thinks I'm monopolizing you and keeping you from improving." Ryo says stiffly, out of the blue.
Kazuya frowns, "He hasn't stopped by lately."
Ryo shrugs; he doesn't want to explain to Kazuya that although Kazuya probably dismissed it because it had been during one of his episodes, Yamapi had seen Kazuya during one of his bad days, when Kazuya spends the entire day alternating between being detached from everything and feeling anxiety about everything. It comes and goes though, and luckily, there are days when Kazuya doesn't experience any of that.
But, of course, Kazuya has never been slow on the uptake and he quickly realizes what Ryo doesn't want to say.
"He was there…once, wasn't he?" Kazuya encroaches slowly, "When I was…"
Ryo watches in dismay as his lover's face falls and transforms into an emotionless mask. He has a distant look, almost like he's not completely there, and Ryo wonders if it shows that, inside, he feels like breaking down in the opposite way.
Detachedness from reality, that's one of the symptoms of Kazuya's condition; some people say it's a defence mechanism, that it lets him retreat into a safe place, away from the hurt.
But Ryo disagrees completely.
How is it safe or free when he knows that, when Kazuya's episodes are over and his lover returns to reality, Kazuya's been to Hell instead?
Ryo morphs his face into an uncaring mask and he takes Kazuya's hand to hold it tightly.
* * *
Whenever Kazuya manages to break out of that state in which he detaches himself from everything and everyone around him, often times, he’s a nervous wreck, because when he’s in that state, he feels as though he has no control over himself or the world around him and that frightens Kazuya. The visit in which Yamapi witnessed one of Kazuya’s bad days isn’t the first time that Kazuya’s conveniently forgotten something unpleasant happening during his detached state; according to professionals, when Kazuya goes into that state, it will almost be like he’s dreaming, watching life happen from a detached perspective, and Kazuya often ends up thinking that it was all nothing but a distant dream. And yet, when he realizes that it was real, Kazuya tends to suffer bouts of anxiety. It's natural, though, since it probably feels like he's going out of his mind or something. And it's also natural for Kazuya to just want to forget some of his episodes.
Ryo doesn’t though, Ryo remembers everything.
He remembers every listless movement when Kazuya’s in his detached state, and the anxiety the younger man feels when he’s out of it.
Ryo never mentions the late night, slightly incoherent confessions that Kazuya doesn’t want to keep losing his mind like this.
His friends and family don't know this, and that's why they can't seem to accept that Ryo can't walk away from this relationship. They don't want to understand that Ryo doesn't want to walk away from Kazuya.
This isn’t an ordinary relationship; it’s a bit dysfunctional, because in a way, Ryo is Kazuya’s caretaker, but nobody else before Kazuya has made his heart hurt from whispered confessions before.
Ryo’s been known for being an absolute jackass, but Kazuya’s the one exception.
Once upon a time, whispered confessions from his partner of the week made him laugh, scoff at, and scorn their feelings. It’s a sign, Ryo thinks, when even before he found out about Kazuya’s condition, he couldn't scorn Kazuya’s feelings. He could only hide the fact that those affections pleased him, and then glare angrily when Kazuya teased him for it.
That’s why, when Kazuya’s having a good day, and Ryo doesn’t try to hold back in showing his affections, he tries not to think of the past. He wants to think of the here and now.
Like how, right now, Kazuya’s eyes are closed as their lips crush against each other’s, Ryo’s hand sliding down the smooth expanse of Kazuya’s back.
They don’t speak, but that’s because they’re more focused on driving the other crazy; Ryo doesn’t hesitate to admit that.
Kazuya’s lips turn up into a smirk, almost as if he knows what Ryo’s thinking, and he tugs just a little on the fistful of Ryo’s hair he has grabbed a few seconds ago, “Stop thinking,” he insists, not leaving any room for argument. Ryo doesn’t argue, and soon, he has Kazuya unable to speak, unable to even think coherently.
The hours he spends just being there, feeling helpless, while Kazuya works out his feelings and anxiety from another one of his episodes aren’t important compared to moments like this.
Sometimes, Ryo has to remind Kazuya that losing one’s mind isn’t always a bad thing.
* * *
Ryo's been called paranoid many times, overprotective and possessive as well, particularly when he turned the upper level of his shop into a photography studio for Kazuya. It's so that when Ryo has to work, he knows that Kazuya isn't far away and there isn't much of a chance that Kazuya will have one of his episodes, wander off and then find himself in the middle of an anxiety attack on the street somewhere.
Kazuya was the one to suggest it, to suggest selling his old studio; when Kazuya has one of his episodes, he'll feel as though he has no control so if he wanders off, he feels as though he can't stop himself at all. This way, if Kazuya does have an episode, Ryo will be around to make sure Kazuya will be alright.
Maybe Ryo is being paranoid, but it's for a good reason.
When Ryo goes back down after lunch one day, he finds Yamapi sitting at the counter, as he apparently showed up early for work. Ryo blanches at the sight for a moment, before he remarks that he didn't think Yamapi was capable of showing up on time for once.
Yamapi glares, before his gaze flickers up to the door leading to the upper floor, "Is he here today then?" he asks cautiously.
Ryo forces down the urge to snap at Yamapi and instead, gives a short nod.
"Are you going to let him come down today?" Yamapi asks pointedly.
Ryo glares at his friend, "I don't make him stay up there. It's his choice."
"Just like it's your choice to take care of him?" Yamapi questions.
Ryo opens his mouth to answer, but Yamapi interrupts him yet again.
"What are you going to do all your life, Ryo, just keep him from ever getting hurt? Forever?" Yamapi questions with a bite in his voice, "Even you must know that that's not reasonable."
Ryo kicks at Yamapi, who dodges, and then he turns to pretend not to listen to Yamapi as he walks across the store to look at the music book display.
"You can't just keep him safe forever, you have to live your life at some point too." Yamapi continues as though he doesn't notice that Ryo's trying to flip through the books so loudly that he can pretend not to have heard Yamapi.
"It's like I don't even know you anymore sometimes," Yamapi starts, "You shouldn't stay with him and take care of him out of guilt or a misplaced feeling of obligation -”
Ryo slams the book shut, rattling the display with the force he puts into it. He turns around with a furious look in his eyes and Yamapi blinks at him.
"I'm not doing this out of obligation or guilt!" Ryo snaps, "I'm doing this because I want to."
"Because it's been your life dream to take care of someone who retreats into his mind half the time whenever he gets hurt."
"It's not like he asked to be like this," Ryo hisses out, becoming more and more incensed at Yamapi.
"That doesn't mean you should waste your life being responsible for him," Yamapi counters, "I like Kazuya, he's great…when he's not having an episode, but just because you were dating him when you found out about his condition, it doesn't mean you're required to stay with him."
"I know that." Ryo snaps before he stands up.
He doesn't bother looking back at Yamapi as he heads up to Kazuya's studio; he can feel his friend's gaze following him, but Ryo doesn't turn around.
"This is my choice," he says with an edge in his voice, "You can't change anything. I chose this."
In the end, it's all about choices, and Ryo made his the moment Kazuya took his breath and soul away with little whispered confessions, followed by slow, lingering kisses in the dead of night.
* * *
Ryo knows it's going to be a good day when he wakes up to brown eyes, a familiar teasing smile, and fingers that reach out to trace lines over his jaw and down his neck. The sun shines in through the cracks in the blinds, down on them, and Ryo is glad that he doesn't have to go anywhere today because, for now, he's able to enjoy the feeling of being the centre of Kazuya's world.
Ryo closes his eyes again, and he delights in the amused laugh that comes from Kazuya.
"Ryo, get up," Kazuya implores, and there's most likely a grin on his face, one that Ryo sees often enough, but mostly between Kazuya's episodes or bad days, so whenever Ryo does get moments like this, he relishes it as much as he can.
"Let me sleep," Ryo grumbles out, but inwardly, he's very much awake. He just wants to take advantage of this good day and pretend like there aren't bad days that cast shadows over Kazuya's smile and place darkness in Ryo's heart.
Ryo can almost see the teasing smirk making its way across Kazuya's face, and his eyes snap open when he hears a familiar noise. He stares into the lens of a Polaroid camera that must have been hidden in Kazuya's bedside table.
Kazuya waves the picture that comes out, looks at it, and bursts into a grin, "Definitely a keeper." he comments to Ryo, "Maybe I'll send this in with my next submission?" he teases.
"Don't you dare," Ryo retorts quickly, "Give me that, Kazuya."
Ryo reaches for the picture, but Kazuya pulls it out of his grasp.
"No way, I'm keeping this."
"You're not sending it in," Ryo protests, still trying to reach for it.
Kazuya smirks a little, and instead, places it under his pillow before lying back down, keeping Ryo from getting to it. Ryo growls lightly, which only makes Kazuya become more amused.
"I'll get that somehow," Ryo promises.
"I'd like to see you try." Kazuya challenges.
Ryo shuts Kazuya up with a kiss, his heart feeling like it's skipping every other beat.
They pretend for now, like perfect fools in love, that life is perfect.
* * *
Photography is a big part of Kazuya's life; it's what he loves to do, or maybe, it's what he feels like he needs to do. After he comes out of his detached state, only the pictures he takes during these episodes will remind him that whatever happens is real. It's become so important that during these episodes, although seeming as though he's off in another world, Kazuya will grab the nearest camera and go around taking pictures of everything around him. Ryo's learned to accept that as well.
He doesn't mind the photography at all; it's what brought them together in the first place.
Ryo's thoughts during the day are possessed by Kazuya as he is now; and at night, he dreams of his old life, a life where Kazuya wasn't tormented by his own mind.
Back then, before Kazuya's condition worsened and he could still hide his condition, Kazuya and Ryo had known each other through Yamapi, and Ryo's first response was to insult him.
Kazuya seemed dumbfounded about how to respond to that, but many months - and with a developed tradition of insults and bantering - later, Ryo found himself agreeing to help Kazuya with a photography project. Or, more like, Ryo was told that he couldn't handle the job and Ryo was determined to prove that he could.
It wasn’t until he had seen the satisfied smirk on Kazuya's face that Ryo realized that he'd been had.
And it also wasn't until Kazuya sat him down in his studio - the old one now - and bluntly told him to take his shirt off and act like the jackass that they both knew he was that Ryo realized that he had somehow agreed to be Kazuya's latest victim and model.
Victim, because Kazuya was known for going through his photography subjects as quickly as Ryo went through his partners and lovers.
But being in the studio with Kazuya - and with his pride refusing to let him back out - allowed him to see a side of Kazuya that he had never seen before. It was a side that seemed to overwhelm him, when he saw Kazuya doing something that he so obviously loved and almost needed.
It wouldn't be until much later before he realized that Kazuya really had needed photography in his life.
Between the close proximity, the way that Kazuya almost seemed to pierce through his very soul with the photos he took, and the casual, good-natured teasing and bantering that took place, Ryo couldn't help but find himself more and more drawn into the enigma that was Kamenashi Kazuya.
And one day, one day when Kazuya's camera was only inches from Ryo's face, taking a close up, in the middle of the usual teasing and banter, Ryo kissed Kazuya.
This led to the longest relationship that Ryo ever had, and although his friends had found it strange, Ryo wasn't about to let go of this feeling.
In love, he had decided, was a good state to be in.
As the months passed, he began to notice little things that were off about Kazuya at times, but chalked it up to his imagination.
A year later, Ryo realized that there was something seriously wrong with Kazuya when the younger man clutched at the pictures he had taken of the two of them the night before, breathed out, "It was real," and then, promptly locked himself in the bathroom.
Ryo often wishes that Kazuya's condition never worsened like it had, but since he can't change that, he can only be grateful that Kazuya no longer locks himself away and hides from Ryo.
Kazuya's condition is bared for them both to see and face, like they should, and Ryo refuses to listen to what anyone else has to say. They're asking him to be a coward and walk away from Kazuya just when he finally finds out all that's possible about Kazuya - all his secrets, all his mysteries, his strengths as well as his faults.
* * *
One day, while Kazuya is busy in his studio, Ryo picks up the magazine that Yamapi threw at him that one time; his friend apparently never bothered to take it away and left it behind the counter. From the way the pages are worn, Ryo has a feeling that Yamapi's been reading through this magazine a lot.
The most faded pages are in the middle of the issue, where Kazuya's name screams out at him with large, bolded letters, and there's a picture of Ryo's silhouette on the fire escape of Kazuya's old studio, dark and shadowy against the fading light of the setting sun. It's the only picture from Ryo's short stint as Kazuya's model that's ever made it past the confines of Kazuya's studio.
Kazuya once joked that he didn’t want to share all of Ryo's secrets, exposed by the camera, with the world. They're his, Kazuya claimed back then. Ryo doesn't think he'll mind if Kazuya never stops claiming them as his.
That's how Kazuya makes a living despite his condition. He can't hold down a steady job, so instead, he retreats into his studio or, at times, into the city with Ryo, and puts all his effort into creating masterpieces that magazines are just dying to buy and publish. One photography magazine even offers Kazuya a little section where he can take pictures of whatever he wants and write something to go along with it.
"So," Kazuya's voice interrupts Ryo as the door leading upstairs opens, "I need inspiration and your face is always full of it." he says brightly.
Ryo groans, burying his face into the pages of the magazine, "Really, Kazuya, really?"
Kazuya grins unrepentantly, apparently in a good mood, “Oh come on, it wasn't that bad," he protests.
Ryo begs to differ.
"We have really got to work on your self-confidence issues," Kazuya comments while looking purposefully at Ryo.
Ryo splutters in surprise, "What self-confidence issues?" he demands.
"The ones that get you all embarrassed and annoyed when I compliment you."
"Saying my face is inspirational is not complimenting me, it's cheesy," Ryo argues, "And of course it's inspirational. This is me we're talking about." he adds.
Kazuya merely grins.
"Pi will be here soon. You have an appointment today, remember." Ryo inwardly winces even as he says those words.
Kazuya's face falls, but Ryo is pretty sure that the younger man hasn't forgotten it; he was probably hoping that Ryo wouldn't remember.
"Do I have to?" Kazuya asks, "Can't we just say I'm sick or something?"
Ryo raises his eyebrows, "That's what I suggested last time, and at the last minute, you had me call and say you were fine after all."
Kazuya looks away with a chagrined expression.
"You're the one who keeps insisting on going." Ryo remarks.
He often wonders about that, and Kazuya's never really explained why he has such a need to go. Maybe it's because he always went before Ryo took full responsibility for him, or maybe he just wants to hope that going would somehow make him better over time - or at least, showing that he's at least trying, because Ryo knows that Kazuya doesn't even talk to the doctor once he's there.
Kazuya mutters something about responsibility, and Ryo rolls his eyes.
"I'm not forcing you to do anything you don't want to, but you should at least want to go," Ryo says seriously, looking at Kazuya with a frown.
Kazuya returns the frown, "Call me down when Pi gets here." he says after a moment, before retreating upstairs.
Ryo sighs in exasperation.
When Yamapi does arrive and he calls Kazuya down, he sighs again when he sees the familiar strap of a camera sticking out of Kazuya's bag; he waves at Yamapi, noticing that his friend is staring at Kazuya with a tinge of worry and regret, and leaves with Kazuya before Yamapi can say anything upsetting. Yamapi does have a habit of saying the wrong things sometimes, and he doesn't have a history of insulting Kazuya like Ryo does, so Kazuya is more easily upset by Yamapi.
By now, Kazuya's used to Ryo and his scathing words.
Ryo smirks to himself as he surveys Kazuya from behind; Kazuya is probably the only one in the world who would actually put up with Ryo and his tendency to carelessly rip into someone's feelings and confidence. Just like Ryo's probably the only one who accepts Kazuya's condition and adapts himself to his lover's needs and wants, while still retaining that same balance that made their relationship so worth fighting for.
It may be cheesy, but Ryo kind of thinks that they were made for each other.
* * *
When Ryo returns to the shop to help out while Kazuya’s holed up in the doctor’s office, Ryo finds Yamapi with a rather nasty surprise.
Or, well, it’s a nasty surprise for him because Ueda Tatsuya is standing in the middle of his shop, looking with a frown through a magazine as he is obviously waiting for Ryo’s return. Ueda is standing against the counter, and from the way his eyes are flickering around, Ryo can tell that he doesn’t approve at all.
Ryo makes sure to take extra long in taking off his coat before finally acknowledging Kazuya’s best friend.
“He called the other day,” Yamapi explains a bit awkwardly.
Ryo scowls but doesn’t say anything to Yamapi, even though a warning would have been really nice, “Kazuya didn’t mention you were back in town,” he comments. He’s not very friendly but since, out of all of Kazuya’s friends, Ueda was the one who was most vocal about not wanting Kazuya to stay with Ryo, he has reason not to be. In fact, the way he remembers it, Ueda only gave up about that because his job had required him to work across the country for a while.
“He doesn’t know,” Ueda remarks, “I figured I’d ask around and see how he was doing first.”
“He’s going to hate that.” Ryo said immediately. If he’s learned anything about Kazuya during the time they’ve been dating, it’s that Kazuya hates being treated like he can’t make his own decisions.
“I would say I have good reason to poke around first,” Ueda snaps back, “From what I hear about how things have been lately, I have very good reasons to hate you.”
“And what,” Ryo drawls out, trying to keep his temper in control, “Have you been hearing exactly? Because it seems like it’s different from my perspective. And you’ve been out of town. So what could you possibly know?”
“I know that none of my friends have seen Kazuya at all lately.” Ueda says coldly, “I know that you’re the only one who ever sees him.”
“They’d have to come around for them to see him.” Ryo retorts.
“It’s not like Kazuya not to call them to go out.”
“Well,” Ryo snaps with a growl in his voice, “When your mind becomes unpredictable and you’re afraid of scaring the people you love, you tend to keep them at a distance. Unless they make sure that you know that you won’t take no for an answer.”
“Like you, apparently,” Ueda says with a tone of derision, “I see it differently. What’s better, for a jerk like you I mean, than a boyfriend who willingly stays inside and doesn’t go out? You can do whatever you want and nobody would ever know.”
Ryo can’t control himself when he realizes what Ueda is implying. He takes a step forward angrily, “I would never do anything like that!” he yells even as he slams a hand on the counter. He pauses, sneering, “But what would someone who chooses a job over Kazuya know? You probably spent your time thinking up horrible situations that I would put him in, just to make yourself feel less like a failure as a friend.”
Ueda’s expression is furious.
“At least,” he says with a brief look at Yamapi, “I haven’t put my life on hold. Do you think Kazuya really wanted you to abandon everything for him?”
Ryo clenches his fists and he takes a deep breath before answering, “I chose what felt was right.”
“Or what felt safe,” Yamapi says softly.
Ryo turns his head sharply to his best friend, “Shut up, Pi.”
Yamapi seems to realize that this is totally not the time to bring up an old conversation and shuts his mouth. Ryo can only be grateful this time; he doesn’t need to deal with Yamapi’s issues with his relationship at the same time he’s trying to deal with Ueda’s issues.
“I chose what felt right,” Ryo continues without hesitation, looking Ueda in the eye with a challenging look, “Can you say the same for yourself?”
Ueda doesn’t say anything, but his eyes are cautious, “So why don’t I believe that you’re doing what’s best for Kazuya?”
“Because, just like everyone else, you’re determined to think that Kazuya’s condition makes him a different person. He’s not. He’s still the person who would punch the daylights out of me if I ever did something horrible - to him, to anyone else. He’s still the person who constantly makes it his daily goal to embarrass me, and he’s still the person who would have teased his friends - if they hadn’t been acting like he was a different person. That’s why he stopped calling them. He’s not suddenly a different person just because he has this condition; he may need a bit more…attention than before, but he’s still Kazuya.” Ryo finishes with a confidence that he never realized he had about the situation. But it also fills him with a sort of insecurity that he can’t explain.
Ueda stares at him with a ‘you expect me to believe that’ look.
Ryo just shrugs, no longer feeling angry about Ueda’s words; they seem to have less bite when he realizes that, despite knowing Ueda longer, Ryo's seen much more of Kazuya in recent months than Ueda.
Ryo’s stuck by Kazuya’s side, and Kazuya knows what Ryo’s done.
That’s all that really matters, right? Ryo hates that there’s a hesitant tone when he asks himself that. He shouldn't let Ueda's words bother him; it's not as though Ueda knows what he's talking about.
“I need to pick up Kazuya soon,” Ryo lies. From Yamapi’s sharp look, he realizes that there’s still awhile before Ryo has to leave to pick up Kazuya, but Ryo suddenly feels trapped, and doesn’t want to stay in the shop anymore.
He leaves the shop quickly, and as he walks, he repeats the words in his head. What matters is that Kazuya knows what Ryo’s done, right? What Ryo’s done…
…is stay by Kazuya side, when Kazuya needed it the most; even when everyone was against it, he didn’t budge. He chose what he thought was most important at the time, and he chose right.
So why do I feel like…I’m in a dream that’s about to end when I don’t want it to?
* * *
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