Now to find it out...
WHO: satisfiedsigner & Peruvian NPCs
WHERE: Cusco, Nazca; PERU
WHEN: July 24 - Aug 6
WARNINGS: Nope. Except for Kiryu dreaming about a certain samurai.
SUMMARY: More angsting and finally meeting spirits of the Nazca lines. Who could just be Kiryu's subconscious? Who knows.
FORMAT: Self-log!
The first thing he did once he was back in Cusco was check his comm. He'd been gradually getting a bad feeling all week, but he'd been able to ignore it for the most part. He'd been too distracted to pay it much attention. But he needed to check. Needed too. The bad feeling just wouldn't go away.
"I...I think it's true. I think Bakura's...gone."
"Kyosuke...I hope you're coming home soon."
He almost threw his comm across the room again. He hated that damn Porter. He hated himself for not being there when Alastair obviously needed him. Alastair had never been close to Saitou like he was, so Saitou being around wouldn't help him at all. He was a second away from grabbing a computer and booking a flight home for tomorrow.
But he forced himself to keep looking, to see what else might have happened. Maybe Bakura had come back. Alastiar's message was from a week ago, after all. There'd been a lot of port-outs that only lasted a couple days.
Thankfully, he was one of them. Bakura had posted the very next day. So Kiryu felt pissed off at himself for getting so worried. They'd promised they'd stick together, here since they were all from slightly different worlds. Of course Bakura would have come back.
He glanced over Waspinator's posts, finding them more ridiculous than anything. If he wanted to pretend to Starscream, that was his choice. Kiryu could think of more pleasant ways to commit suicide, though.
Then he reached Soundwave's first post and his blood ran cold. Soundwave didn't make posts like that for no reason. He scanned through the comments, but most people seemed to be privating things, because there wasn't much there, and he didn't see any responses from Shockwave at all, and they always replied to each other's posts. It was interesting to see that Soundwave was a machine again, somehow. He wondered that he could see that conversation; that was something he'd figure Soundwave wanted to keep secret.
And thank the gods for Starscream and his constant use of the Decepticon channel instead of privating everything. He was even more sure there was a bunch of stuff he couldn't see because of that.
"TIME IS UP."
He had to force himself to keep watching after that. Soundwave looked so calm about the whole thing. Kiryu wondered what he'd done to prevent it, whatever was going to happen; he couldn't imagine Soundwave just sitting back on his heels if he knew he was going to die. But he looked so calm, and he sounded like he'd accepted it. He'd never know that that felt like and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to, but it hurt to see.
It was like when Saitou died. He'd been calm too.
It took Kiryu everything he had to respond to that post. He had to at least say something. Soundwave was his friend. Even if he knew, Kiryu had to let him know that there was going to be at least one person other than Shockwave and Starscream who'd be pissed off if he didn't come back.
And whoever was the reason for this was going to pay.
But he didn't have long to sulk about that. He found Alastair's message again and responded. He hadn't thought it would be much more than a confirmation, a brief conversation, some mild flirting.
And suddenly, Saitou was gone. He felt the floor get ripped out from under him. Again.
Why? Why? Why did he always have to--hadn't they promised--
No. Saitou had never promised that. That was between him and Alastair and Bakura. Saitou wouldn't promise that. He had something to go back to. He didn't like being in this world.
Maybe...maybe he wasn't really gone. Just because he hadn't gone home...he could have gone to Japan or somewhere else instead and just not said anything.
Kiryu knew the possible was practically zero even as he thought of it. No, he'd left again--been taken away again--and there was nothing they could do about it. Maybe they could threaten the 'porter again, but he didn't want to be anywhere near the City right now. He didn't want to be anywhere near her. He didn't want to be next.
Damn it.
Why?
~*~*~*~*~
"Idiot."
Kiryu ducked, but the hand still cuffed him lightly, like it always did. He didn't care and he never really tried to avoid it; he saw it as one of Saitou's few gestures of affection. After all, if Saitou didn't care, he wouldn't be looking out for him and trying to make him see sense.
Although Saitou didn't usually do that when he was sitting in a ball like this. Or right after he'd had a nightmare. And he didn't have to call him that.
"I am not. What the hell was that for?"
"Because you're being an idiot. You said this was important to you and now you're running away. You've been running since you got here."
Kiryu scowled at him, but only because he knew it was true and he hated hearing it. And he didn't want to hear it from Saitou. Their principles were too similar; he wouldn't approve of it, he wouldn't even condone it.
"I don't run away from anything," Kiryu muttered, glaring at him. Daring him to keep going. Even though it was true. He'd hated it, but his team had convinced him to run from Security--where was he supposed to run to in Satellite, they couldn't just leave, there was nowhere to run--and that had done so much good. And technically, he supposed he had been running last year when he'd gone to Japan right after the Decepticon's back heist. And when he'd helped Saitou stay free in February. He hated calling it that, but that was exactly what they'd been doing. He was still grateful to have had an ally in Soundwave, so they had somewhere familiar to stay, with someone who wouldn't just turn them in.
He'd never paid Soundwave back for everything he owed him.
"Then why are you still in Cusco? There's nothing left here that you wanted to see." Saitou crossed his arms and looked down at him with what was close to disgust. "You might as well stop lying to yourself. You've been running since before we came here"
"Shut up!" He curled up, covering his head as if that would protect him. He knew that. He didn't need--no, he didn't want to hear it.
Silence. Kiryu had a good feeling that if he looked up, he'd see Saitou giving him his "you'd better rethink what you just said" look. He didn't care. He didn't feel like caring right now.
He felt Saitou sit down next to him. Suddenly they were back in the old abandoned motel after a particularly bad night. Or while Del was lost in her dimension. Or after he'd died at the hands of that bastard. It'd been over a year since that now.
"Kiryu..." Saitou paused and Kiryu could almost feel how awkward he was all of a sudden. "I heard what you said to Ruka last year. After Yuusei was 'ported out. I know this is difficult for you." That you're afraid. "But if it's the only way you'll feel any peace, you need to. For yourself."
A hand touched his back and he automatically relaxed a little. He'd missed these little gestures. He's missed having Saitou's full attention. Positive attention. Attention that showed he was trying to understand, however difficult it may be. That was a rare thing and he treasured it.
"I'm scared," Kiryu whispered. He would never admit that to anyone else. Not even Alastair. He didn't even like admitting it to himself. But Saitou would understand. "What if I don't find Him? What if I do and He decides to kill me?"
"...Do you need him? You're lived here a year alone--"
"Not alone. You've been here. And Alastair."
Saitou chuckled and squeezed his shoulder. "So it wouldn't be the end of anything if you're unsuccessful. You'll go on."
"I want to find Him. He's one of my closest friends. But...I've betrayed Him so much already." Kiryu dug his fingers into his hair and tugged at, enough to give him a headache. "I'm supposed to hate Yuusei! He brought me back to kill him, to destroy him. And wanted it. I wanted him to burn. I wanted him to suffer everything I had to go through. Why can't I hate him anymore?!" Kiryu flinched when Saitou grabbed his shoudler tighter. "What am I supposed to do now...?"
"What have you been doing up to now?"
The pressure from Saitou's hand disappeared. Kiryu swung out, grabbing at him. Grabbing at thin air.
"Why...?"
He abruptly stood and slammed his foot into the wall, and his fist, and his other foot. The room started heating up, not from any fire, but he was close to lighting something. The floor, the walls. The wall was getting a dent in it.
"Why do you always have to leave?!"
The wall had a couple holes it in before he sank back down to the ground again. One was burning around the edges.
"I need you more than they do..."
~*~*~*~*~
The other dreams he had that week were, for the most part, utterly boring. He would be running across the Nazca plain, usually with at least one of his monsters with him, or just standing, facing one or all the mountains that surrounded the Cusco area. The mountains always has a presence to them, something alive and aware, something that almost felt disappointed. But no matter how much he yelled or asked politely, nothing ever happened. They just sat there. Looming over him.
Until Friday, right before he was going to leave for Lima again.
He crossed the pampa at super-human speed, almost as if he were riding his D-Wheel again, except he'd never be stupid enough to drive through the geoglyphs on a D-Wheel. Mountains loomed over him, the mountains of Cusco, though he knew they were nowhere near Nazca.
Soon he left the pampa behind, but he wasn't any closer to the mountains. They never got any closer. They just sat there, looming over him. Always the same.
Kiryu scowled and started thinking about trying to wake up. By now, he was aware that this was just a dream, and if he was going to have such boring dreams, there was no point in sleeping.
Then a man appeared before him, a good distance away but close enough to be heard. Kiryu thought he should recognize the man, but he couldn't think of where from. And the man looked completely unwelcoming, which was weird if they'd met before.
"Why do you stay?" the man asked in perfect Japanese. Of course. It was a dream, after all. "You see them from the air, visit briefly, then run away to here. Or you run other mountains. You do not stay."
Kiryu swallowed and looked away. He had a good idea of what he was supposedly running from, and he wanted to argue that it wasn't true, he wasn't running at all, but that was exactly what it looked like, he supposed.
His mark suddenly glowed, the world flashed white, and he was in his proper form again.
"And you're running from yourself," the man added.
"I'm not running from anything," Kiryu snapped. He hated that thought. He didn't run from anything.
"Would it bother you so much if that were true?"
Kiryu hissed and barely kept himself from saying anything stupid. Whoever this guy was, he probably wasn't someone Kiryu should be trying to piss off.
"You will not overcome your fear it you do not face it."
"I know," Kiryu bit out. "That's why I'm here.
The man nodding, as if expecting that answer. "Visit them. They don't not visitors who understand them so well. Walk the lines. They have been waiting for you." The man took a step back and faded away, but his voice remained. "You will not be welcome here again until you have done so."
The phone ringing jolted him out of sleep. It was Becky calling to let him him know that his flight had been canceled but there was still room on an earlier one if he wanted to take that one. He'd have to finish packing in five minutes and leave now, but he could make it.
Kiryu glanced out the window at the dark shadow of the mountains across the pre-dawn sky and told her that would be fine.
~*~*~*~*~
Kiryu took his time walking across the pampa toward his geoglyph. He just felt like he needed to go slowly. Maybe it was because a part of him was ready to bolt if things went downhill. Maybe it was to keep from kicking up too much dust so he wouldn't end up creating line of his own. He wasn't sure what he was doing was exactly legal, and he really didn't feel like getting into it with the Peruvian police.
Maybe it was because the closer he got, the more foreboding the air became. Something didn't want him there, or at least, wasn't really to accept that he was.
Maybe it was himself. But he was never good at following directions.
He stopped just outside one of the lines and checked his GPS to make sure he'd found the right one. Not that he really needed it. The whole pampa had a subtle feel to it, similar to Markawasi but so much more familiar, and with each geoglyph he passed, it changed slightly. The feeling here was more than familiar in its own way. He could have made his way here with his eyes closed.
His hand found his arm again on its own. He was starting to get a nice bruise on his arm where he'd been gripping it for the last week or so, like the bruise he'd had earlier in the summer. He'd gotten to the point where he hardly even noticed the pain anymore.
But it was a nervous gesture. And he didn't like having nervous gestures.
My loyal servant.
His hand grew tighter and he shut his eyes. He hadn't heard that voice in so long...did he even remember what it sounded like anymore?
His feet started moving on their own. He took a step onto the cleared earth of the line, turned, took another step, and another. He opened his eyes to make sure he didn't trip over anything. He didn't really need the open to see where he was going; he was sure he could have walked this path in his sleep.
The familiar feeling grew more obvious the farther he walked. This feeling wasn't foreboding. This wanted him here.
"It took a long time," Kiryu murmured. He didn't have to speak up. Ccapac Apu would hear him no matter how loud he was. "I should have come here first. Not just...in the planes, but here. I shouldn't have waited this long. I was...scared." He could admit that to his God, couldn't he? He'd admitted it to Saitou. "But I'm here now. I'm sorry I didn't come before now."
No answer. Kiryu wasn't sure he'd really expected one. He'd run into things at Markawasi and Cusco, but there was no saying that wasn't just because of Del. Ccapac Apu should have revealed Himself long before this if He were really here. He should have revealed Himself when Kiryu had died last year. After over a year of being alone, Kiryu wasn't sure he actually expected an answer anymore. Or a sign. Or anything.
Just this feeling was more than he'd been expecting.
But he was going to keep walking. Just in case. He'd doubted his God enough already.
After a couple hours, he set his backpack with food and extra water done next to the path and just grabbed one of his water bottles to keep him going. He'd get back to this point after a while anyway.
It was a couple hours after nightfall that he finally collapsed next to his backpack again. Inside the lines; he didn't need to be outside them. He really wasn't that out of shape but walking for so long without really stopping would tire most people. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep--just long enough to make dinner and fold up a spare jacket for a pillow.
That night, he had another dream about the man from Cusco, but the man only smiled and nodded and disappeared, like every other weird person he'd met. But Kiryu didn't feel like glaring at him. His determination was on this now.
When he got up in the morning, he grabbed a bagel, another water bottle, and a few sips of coca tea and started walking again. He was thankful for the small amount of coca leaves he'd remembered to bring with him. He offered a couple sets of three to the mountains and the lines themselves like he'd seen natives do hundreds of times before. Even Miguel. The rest, though, was for him. He hadn't brought much food, so he was going to need it.
The second night he didn't feel as exhausted as the first, surprisingly. He even stayed up to stare at the stars for a while. It wouldn't be long before he was back in the City and would hardly be able to see any at all. He wasn't sure when he finally fell asleep, only that he woke up again later sometime before dawn.
"Kiryu Kyosuke."
Kiryu glanced up. He'd told Becky not to worry about him, but it didn't exactly sound like Becky anyway...
And it wasn't. It was a woman he'd never seen before but who looked vaguely like Misty, even so that she wore black with green details, although her clothes were much more elaborate. She seemed familiar otherwise too, but he couldn't quite place it.
"Who are you?" he demanded. He probably sounded more angry than he should to whoever this was, but he was sick of being caught off guard. And he really didn't want this to be someone who might want to haul him off to jail.
She smiled, so much like Misty, and shook her head. "Why are you here, Kiryu Kyosuke? Already so far from home..."
Kiryu stared at her, wondering if he really should say anything. Everyone kept asking him that question--Demak, Miguel, Saitou--and while he knew the answer, it was hard to say out loud. He knew he needed his God--except maybe he didn't--but he didn't like admitting it to other people.
But there was something about this woman...he could admit it to her.
"I need to speak with my God," Kiryu said. At least he was able to not sound desperate. "I've tried everything, everywhere else. I was told to come here. I should have come here first. I need to talk to Him."
She didn't say anything to that, just stared, like she was waiting for something more. Kiryu wasn't sure what else to tell her. Those were the important bits; anything else should just be for Him. He wondered if she would even understand what he'd just said anyway.
"I wonder if he'll wish to see you whilst you still hide behind a mask," she said with a coy smile. Then she turned and walked away into the darkness.
"What...Hey! Wait!" Kiryu scrambled to his feet to chase after her, but by the time he was up, she'd disappeared. He thought about wandering to find her, but he was where he needed to be right now--he didn't want to lose it. Not that he really thought he could ever lose this place. But he had a feeling he should stay here. This was where he needed to be. Everything else was a distraction. He didn't need distractions; he distracted himself enough as it was.
"Kiryu Kyosuke."
Kiryu looked up slowly. He would have been so close to giving up if he were the sort of person to do that. Three days and he was exhausted. Even though he'd done so much more than this during his stay in Peru, even though he'd felt more than okay yesterday, this was starting to feel like one of the hardest things yet.
He felt like he was back in that cell, waiting for the end to come. The only time he'd really and truly given up...
The man looked like a giant from Kiryu's position on the ground. And the man behind him. Both were similar to the woman he'd met the night before; familiar but not, dressed in black and another primary color. With these two it was red or yellow. Kiryu only needed a glance to understand the significance and he was scrambling to his feet.
"Uru..." he breathed. "Cusillu...and last night...Ccarayhua..."
And They knew who he was. Of course They knew who he was. Why wouldn't They? He laughed, staring at Them in amazement. This had really worked...or Lachesis had royally fucked up. But he doubted that; why would They come back to this place where They'd been imprisoned for millennia if They didn't have to?
At least these two didn't look as much like Rudger and Demak as Ccarayhua had looked like Misty.
Uru nodded, close to looking proud of him for figuring it out so quickly. Kiryu didn't think He should be; he should have figured it out last night.
But Uru quickly frowned again and glanced at Kiryu's arm. "Why do you continue to hide who you really are?"
Kiryu looked down at his arm as well. It was glowing very faintly, not nearly as brightly as he was used to. He could feel his powers coursing under his skin. He absently tried to light a small fire, but of course it didn't work. It was too bad; his powers would be so much more useful if he could use them all the time.
Cusillu chuckled and shook His head. "You won't find anything different because we're here. Your powers are the same."
"They're closer," Kiryu muttered.
"They would be," Uru said, "with your refusal to use them. Markawasi was a good start, but you did not continue. You had no problem in your City. What is the difference here?"
Kiryu glared up at Him. It probably wasn't a good idea, but he was doing it anyway. He didn't need to keep hearing that. And it wasn't like he'd been in this form the entire time he'd been here. He'd spent most of last week in his true form. He'd almost burned down the hotel he was staying in.
His fist clenched again when he thought about the last week. The Major would be lucky if Starscream or Shockwave got to him first. Kiryu was going to let him burn.
He felt himself change, but it didn't really make any difference. If They really wanted him to be this way, that was an easy way for it to happen. Nothing came to strike him down, no lightning out of nowhere or a sudden painful possession. Maybe he had permission to be this way after all.
Uru didn't look thrilled about it though. And Cusillu looked concerned. Why? Wasn't this what They wanted? Didn't They expect it? They were the ones who wanted him to use his powers, after all.
"I'm sorry you have to feel such hate to use your powers," Cusillu murmured.
Kiryu blinked at Him. That was like what Mary had said, way back when she'd had them for a couple weeks. He didn't see anything wrong with it. That was what had drawn Ccapac Apu to him in the first place. That was what had drawn all of the Earthbound Gods to him and his fellow Dark Signers. It was what They...fed on, in a way. They needed it.
And he had difficulty not feeling hatred toward something at any given time anyway. Usually it was the cops or Yuusei or Cavil. It didn't hurt anyone but himself and those he hated, who generally deserved to suffer anyway. And it hadn't really hurt him until now and his rethinking everything.
"I don't have to," Kiryu found himself saying. Which was true; he could switch whenever he wanted unless he was too tired.
"But it's easier, isn't it?"
Kiryu just nodded. His powers also had a tendency to go off on their own when he was upset in some way.
"Or if I'm in danger," he added, finishing his thought aloud. Even though that wasn't always the case.
Cusillu nodded, but He didn't seem at all reassured. "That's still a very negative circumstance."
"It doesn't matter," Kiryu sneered. "They work just fine. Better, even. At home I couldn't just use them whenever I wanted."
Uru and Cusillu didn't say anything to that. They didn't have to for Kiryu to know They disagreed. He could tell enough from how They'd spoken so far. At least They didn't outright say anything bad about them out loud again. Which gave Kiryu time to ask the most pressing question on his mind.
"Where is Ccapac Apu?" Kiryu asked. "You're here, Ccarayhua was here, He has to be here too. Where is He?"
Uru smiled and shook His head. "Do you think you're ready to speak to him?"
"No," Kiryu answered automatically. Then he cursed; of course he was ready, and he should have said so.
But Uru's smile just grew bigger. "Stop hiding. Stop running away. You claim to have trust in him, but you have to show him that. You have not yet."
"It was a pleasure to speak with you, Kiryu Kyosuke," Cusillu said with a very slight bow. "I wish you luck."
Kiryu didn't try to go after Them this time. If They were going to leave, fine. They weren't his anyway. And he didn't know what they'd keep talking about. He certainly didn't want to keep talking about his powers.
The next two days were spent in his Dark Signer form. If that was what he had to do to see his God, he'd do it, fears be damned. He was certainly more comfortable in this form. And it was easier to walk around the whole drawing in this form, at least at first. He was himself, and the whole area was alive and resonating with his powers.
But the second day brought with it more exhaustion than before, so that he was worried he might switch back and pass out before his God came. But it didn't happen. Even when his feet were dragging and he was tempted to just sit down and not move anymore, he remained himself. He'd been told enough times that he was running, and now he was ready to stop and deal with what his weakness had brought upon him.
"You think it weak to care for your friend?"
Kiryu scrambled to his feet. His breath caught in his throat and heart sped up. He didn't really recognize the voice, but there was something to it that was familiar, just like the feeling in the air and the other Earthbound Gods. He could see the glow from the mark on his arm without looking down. Or maybe it was the mark on his cheek.
"Ccapac Apu..." Then he registered what had actually been said and sneered. "Yuusei isn't my friend."
"I never said a specific name," Ccapac Apu said with a very faint smile. "He was a friend once upon a time, wasn't he? Once a friendship is forged, those feelings are hard to forget."
Kiryu flinched and looked away. His God didn't sound angry with him, but why wouldn't He be? It had to be a trick. But it didn't matter. Kiryu was going to be honest. Even if it got him killed.
He swallowed, pushing back the rising fear. He didn't fear Death at all...except when it came to what his God could do to him. The other Earthbound Gods wouldn't have punished him, but his own would without mercy. Or very little mercy; it might be less painful if he came clean.
He saw Ccapac Apu shit out of the corner of his eye and braced himself.
"Why do you fear me?"
Kiryu stared at the ground in disbelief. Shouldn't He know? Kiryu could feel the connection; it was really Him. He'd known about Yuusei. He should know about this.
Maybe it was another test. That had to be it.
"I've betrayed you," he murmured. He felt a wave of self-loathing with those words. He hated betrayal, and to think he was the culprit this time... "You gave me a new life and a new family and I betrayed you. I betrayed your trust in me."
"Because you still care for your friend?"
Kiryu didn't say anything, but he didn't really feel like he needed to. His God would know either way.
"You are still determined and resourceful, with a strong desire to live and the will to do anything necessary to ensure your survival. You are everything I would look for in an honored servant. Until you betray your own nature, you have not betrayed me."
Kiryu laughed before he realized he was doing it. He'd never stop being himself. No matter what Yuusei and Saitou might want, he liked being himself and he was never going to change. Yuusei would just have to live with it, and he suspected Saitou would be disappointed in him on some level if he did. But the Kiryu Yuusei once knew was different now. Not dead, never dead, no matter what he insisted. But different. And Alastair...Alastair liked him the way he was. Alastair even said he liked him a little too much. Yuusei could deal.
"Even if...even if I haven't destroyed Yuusei? Or tried, since he came back. That's what I was chosen for."
Ccapac Apu narrowed His eyes and Kiryu almost thought he'd overstepped his bounds. But then his God shook His head and said, "I think you should save your vengeance for those who have truly hurt you. If that includes Fudou Yuusei, so be it. But I think there may be others who are more deserving."
Kiryu opened his mouth again, but Ccapac Apu gave him a look to say He wasn't finished.
"You shouldn't worry so much over how loyal you are to me. I have never had anyone more loyal before. You came so far to see me and you've been so honest and unafraid to speak your mind. I'm proud to have a servant such as yourself."
Kiryu flushed and looked away again. The Ccapac Apu he knew was nice, but not nearly this nice or so free with praise. He wondered for the first time if this was really the Ccapac Apu of this world or just something claiming to be Him. He certainly wasn't from his own world. But did that really matter? He was Ccapac Apu and the connection was there. This wasn't his world, so of course his wouldn't be here.
"I'm of this world," Ccapac Apu said with a slight nod. "I have never been to any other."
Kiryu nodded and glanced at his arm. His mark glowed either way.
"It doesn't matter," he said softly, as much to himself as his God. "You're here, so it doesn't matter. But..." He grabbed his arm, almost guarding the mark. "In the City..."
He couldn't forget how he could only hear himself and his memories in his head; the constant presence of his God wasn't there. But if He existed in this would, shouldn't He be there?
A pale hand covered his own. He looked up into bright blue eyes, glowing with power and uncharacteristic kindness.
"So long as you believe in me, I am with you. These powers are mine. The card you possess is mine. I'm with you, even if you don't hear me. Why would I abandon such a loyal servant?"
"I've thought about abandoning you," Kiryu whispered. "I couldn't do it. But I thought about it."
"Most people have those thoughts every now and then. Why couldn't you?"
"I didn't want to. I couldn't betray you like that."
Ccapac Apu nodded with a proud smile. "Loyalty is very important to you. That's a trait to be proud of. Too many people today betray without a second thought."
"I don't betray my friends," Kiryu hissed, bristling at the thought. "I can't say the same about my goals anymore..." Which was probably why he was okay with Soundwave betraying the Major, other than the fact the the Major was a moron and blowing up D.C. wouldn't serve any purpose save destruction. "But never my friends. Never my allies."
"Even Yuusei?"
Kiryu glared at Him, but it was mostly to hide his sudden unease. He'd never seen his actions against Yuusei as a betrayal--Yuusei was the one who'd betrayed him after all--but if Yuusei was telling the truth...if he really hadn't betrayed him...
Then again, Kiryu had never really given up on Yuusei, had he? Even at home, when he wanted Yuusei to suffer and die, he would have been satisfied with that. He still wanted to play out Team Satisfaction's last duel, and he wanted to play it out with his team, including Yuusei. They had never understood; being at their side had always been more important than crushing Security.
And he still thought fondly of Yuusei sometimes. That pissed him off, but he couldn't deny it and the thoughts didn't go away.
"I don't betray my friends," he said. He wasn't going to say anything else. His God already knew anyway.
"I am glad to be considered a friend."
"Of course you are," Kiryu said, staring at Him. Why wouldn't He be?
Ccapac Apu smiled and shook His head. "I can't imagine why you ever doubted your loyalty. You've answered your own questions about it this entire time."
Kiryu frowned, but he supposed the maybe in a way he had. He wasn't sure he'd actually decided on anything, but he knew without a doubt now that he was loyal to this being who had saved his life, loved him even, and he always would be. He didn't think he'd ever really doubted that, but he'd doubted plenty of other things.
His God was really here. He could place his trust in Him. Maybe not for the same things as back home--Lachesis would always be the one keeping him tied to this world--but he had to have trust in his God to believe in him. And he did. His God was right here. There was no mistaking that. It was like hanging out with Didi.
"Thank you," Kiryu murmured, gripping his arm tighter. He finally felt like he was standing on mostly solid ground again. He'd been floundering for so long--since he'd died at that bastard's hand--it was a breath of fresh air.
Ccapac Apu squeezed his hand. "Thank you. I know you did not choose to travel to this world, but it is good to see you want to stay. I'm glad I could help strengthen that desire. You are mine, Kiryu Kyosuke. I am very possessive of what's mine."
"Is there anything you want from me? Any orders?"
"Simply continue doing what you've been doing. Take vengeance on those who have wronged you. Take the path you feel is right. I wouldn't have chosen you if I didn't think you could make the right choices."
Kiryu had to smirk at that. He wouldn't have any problem following those instructions.
But would it even matter...?
"Will you know?" he asked. His God had said it once but he needed more reassurance. "If I do or don't do that?"
"I know everything you've done here, Kiryu Kyosuke. I question the wisdom in living with a samurai or joining up with former robots, but it seems both have been to your benefit. I simply hope that will continue."
Ccapac Apu gave him a mischievous smile and turned to walk away. Kiryu almost called for Him to wait, but he suddenly felt exhausted. His mark practically flickered as he switched forms and collapsed. He supposed he didn't need Ccapac Apu there anymore--he'd gotten what he needed--but it would've been nice.
And he really didn't like passing out on the pampa like this. He sent a quick text to Becky before his vision went black. At least someone would know he was out here.
WHERE: Cusco, Nazca; PERU
WHEN: July 24 - Aug 6
WARNINGS: Nope. Except for Kiryu dreaming about a certain samurai.
SUMMARY: More angsting and finally meeting spirits of the Nazca lines. Who could just be Kiryu's subconscious? Who knows.
FORMAT: Self-log!
The first thing he did once he was back in Cusco was check his comm. He'd been gradually getting a bad feeling all week, but he'd been able to ignore it for the most part. He'd been too distracted to pay it much attention. But he needed to check. Needed too. The bad feeling just wouldn't go away.
"I...I think it's true. I think Bakura's...gone."
"Kyosuke...I hope you're coming home soon."
He almost threw his comm across the room again. He hated that damn Porter. He hated himself for not being there when Alastair obviously needed him. Alastair had never been close to Saitou like he was, so Saitou being around wouldn't help him at all. He was a second away from grabbing a computer and booking a flight home for tomorrow.
But he forced himself to keep looking, to see what else might have happened. Maybe Bakura had come back. Alastiar's message was from a week ago, after all. There'd been a lot of port-outs that only lasted a couple days.
Thankfully, he was one of them. Bakura had posted the very next day. So Kiryu felt pissed off at himself for getting so worried. They'd promised they'd stick together, here since they were all from slightly different worlds. Of course Bakura would have come back.
He glanced over Waspinator's posts, finding them more ridiculous than anything. If he wanted to pretend to Starscream, that was his choice. Kiryu could think of more pleasant ways to commit suicide, though.
Then he reached Soundwave's first post and his blood ran cold. Soundwave didn't make posts like that for no reason. He scanned through the comments, but most people seemed to be privating things, because there wasn't much there, and he didn't see any responses from Shockwave at all, and they always replied to each other's posts. It was interesting to see that Soundwave was a machine again, somehow. He wondered that he could see that conversation; that was something he'd figure Soundwave wanted to keep secret.
And thank the gods for Starscream and his constant use of the Decepticon channel instead of privating everything. He was even more sure there was a bunch of stuff he couldn't see because of that.
"TIME IS UP."
He had to force himself to keep watching after that. Soundwave looked so calm about the whole thing. Kiryu wondered what he'd done to prevent it, whatever was going to happen; he couldn't imagine Soundwave just sitting back on his heels if he knew he was going to die. But he looked so calm, and he sounded like he'd accepted it. He'd never know that that felt like and he wasn't sure he ever wanted to, but it hurt to see.
It was like when Saitou died. He'd been calm too.
It took Kiryu everything he had to respond to that post. He had to at least say something. Soundwave was his friend. Even if he knew, Kiryu had to let him know that there was going to be at least one person other than Shockwave and Starscream who'd be pissed off if he didn't come back.
And whoever was the reason for this was going to pay.
But he didn't have long to sulk about that. He found Alastair's message again and responded. He hadn't thought it would be much more than a confirmation, a brief conversation, some mild flirting.
And suddenly, Saitou was gone. He felt the floor get ripped out from under him. Again.
Why? Why? Why did he always have to--hadn't they promised--
No. Saitou had never promised that. That was between him and Alastair and Bakura. Saitou wouldn't promise that. He had something to go back to. He didn't like being in this world.
Maybe...maybe he wasn't really gone. Just because he hadn't gone home...he could have gone to Japan or somewhere else instead and just not said anything.
Kiryu knew the possible was practically zero even as he thought of it. No, he'd left again--been taken away again--and there was nothing they could do about it. Maybe they could threaten the 'porter again, but he didn't want to be anywhere near the City right now. He didn't want to be anywhere near her. He didn't want to be next.
Damn it.
Why?
~*~*~*~*~
"Idiot."
Kiryu ducked, but the hand still cuffed him lightly, like it always did. He didn't care and he never really tried to avoid it; he saw it as one of Saitou's few gestures of affection. After all, if Saitou didn't care, he wouldn't be looking out for him and trying to make him see sense.
Although Saitou didn't usually do that when he was sitting in a ball like this. Or right after he'd had a nightmare. And he didn't have to call him that.
"I am not. What the hell was that for?"
"Because you're being an idiot. You said this was important to you and now you're running away. You've been running since you got here."
Kiryu scowled at him, but only because he knew it was true and he hated hearing it. And he didn't want to hear it from Saitou. Their principles were too similar; he wouldn't approve of it, he wouldn't even condone it.
"I don't run away from anything," Kiryu muttered, glaring at him. Daring him to keep going. Even though it was true. He'd hated it, but his team had convinced him to run from Security--where was he supposed to run to in Satellite, they couldn't just leave, there was nowhere to run--and that had done so much good. And technically, he supposed he had been running last year when he'd gone to Japan right after the Decepticon's back heist. And when he'd helped Saitou stay free in February. He hated calling it that, but that was exactly what they'd been doing. He was still grateful to have had an ally in Soundwave, so they had somewhere familiar to stay, with someone who wouldn't just turn them in.
He'd never paid Soundwave back for everything he owed him.
"Then why are you still in Cusco? There's nothing left here that you wanted to see." Saitou crossed his arms and looked down at him with what was close to disgust. "You might as well stop lying to yourself. You've been running since before we came here"
"Shut up!" He curled up, covering his head as if that would protect him. He knew that. He didn't need--no, he didn't want to hear it.
Silence. Kiryu had a good feeling that if he looked up, he'd see Saitou giving him his "you'd better rethink what you just said" look. He didn't care. He didn't feel like caring right now.
He felt Saitou sit down next to him. Suddenly they were back in the old abandoned motel after a particularly bad night. Or while Del was lost in her dimension. Or after he'd died at the hands of that bastard. It'd been over a year since that now.
"Kiryu..." Saitou paused and Kiryu could almost feel how awkward he was all of a sudden. "I heard what you said to Ruka last year. After Yuusei was 'ported out. I know this is difficult for you." That you're afraid. "But if it's the only way you'll feel any peace, you need to. For yourself."
A hand touched his back and he automatically relaxed a little. He'd missed these little gestures. He's missed having Saitou's full attention. Positive attention. Attention that showed he was trying to understand, however difficult it may be. That was a rare thing and he treasured it.
"I'm scared," Kiryu whispered. He would never admit that to anyone else. Not even Alastair. He didn't even like admitting it to himself. But Saitou would understand. "What if I don't find Him? What if I do and He decides to kill me?"
"...Do you need him? You're lived here a year alone--"
"Not alone. You've been here. And Alastair."
Saitou chuckled and squeezed his shoulder. "So it wouldn't be the end of anything if you're unsuccessful. You'll go on."
"I want to find Him. He's one of my closest friends. But...I've betrayed Him so much already." Kiryu dug his fingers into his hair and tugged at, enough to give him a headache. "I'm supposed to hate Yuusei! He brought me back to kill him, to destroy him. And wanted it. I wanted him to burn. I wanted him to suffer everything I had to go through. Why can't I hate him anymore?!" Kiryu flinched when Saitou grabbed his shoudler tighter. "What am I supposed to do now...?"
"What have you been doing up to now?"
The pressure from Saitou's hand disappeared. Kiryu swung out, grabbing at him. Grabbing at thin air.
"Why...?"
He abruptly stood and slammed his foot into the wall, and his fist, and his other foot. The room started heating up, not from any fire, but he was close to lighting something. The floor, the walls. The wall was getting a dent in it.
"Why do you always have to leave?!"
The wall had a couple holes it in before he sank back down to the ground again. One was burning around the edges.
"I need you more than they do..."
~*~*~*~*~
The other dreams he had that week were, for the most part, utterly boring. He would be running across the Nazca plain, usually with at least one of his monsters with him, or just standing, facing one or all the mountains that surrounded the Cusco area. The mountains always has a presence to them, something alive and aware, something that almost felt disappointed. But no matter how much he yelled or asked politely, nothing ever happened. They just sat there. Looming over him.
Until Friday, right before he was going to leave for Lima again.
He crossed the pampa at super-human speed, almost as if he were riding his D-Wheel again, except he'd never be stupid enough to drive through the geoglyphs on a D-Wheel. Mountains loomed over him, the mountains of Cusco, though he knew they were nowhere near Nazca.
Soon he left the pampa behind, but he wasn't any closer to the mountains. They never got any closer. They just sat there, looming over him. Always the same.
Kiryu scowled and started thinking about trying to wake up. By now, he was aware that this was just a dream, and if he was going to have such boring dreams, there was no point in sleeping.
Then a man appeared before him, a good distance away but close enough to be heard. Kiryu thought he should recognize the man, but he couldn't think of where from. And the man looked completely unwelcoming, which was weird if they'd met before.
"Why do you stay?" the man asked in perfect Japanese. Of course. It was a dream, after all. "You see them from the air, visit briefly, then run away to here. Or you run other mountains. You do not stay."
Kiryu swallowed and looked away. He had a good idea of what he was supposedly running from, and he wanted to argue that it wasn't true, he wasn't running at all, but that was exactly what it looked like, he supposed.
His mark suddenly glowed, the world flashed white, and he was in his proper form again.
"And you're running from yourself," the man added.
"I'm not running from anything," Kiryu snapped. He hated that thought. He didn't run from anything.
"Would it bother you so much if that were true?"
Kiryu hissed and barely kept himself from saying anything stupid. Whoever this guy was, he probably wasn't someone Kiryu should be trying to piss off.
"You will not overcome your fear it you do not face it."
"I know," Kiryu bit out. "That's why I'm here.
The man nodding, as if expecting that answer. "Visit them. They don't not visitors who understand them so well. Walk the lines. They have been waiting for you." The man took a step back and faded away, but his voice remained. "You will not be welcome here again until you have done so."
The phone ringing jolted him out of sleep. It was Becky calling to let him him know that his flight had been canceled but there was still room on an earlier one if he wanted to take that one. He'd have to finish packing in five minutes and leave now, but he could make it.
Kiryu glanced out the window at the dark shadow of the mountains across the pre-dawn sky and told her that would be fine.
~*~*~*~*~
Kiryu took his time walking across the pampa toward his geoglyph. He just felt like he needed to go slowly. Maybe it was because a part of him was ready to bolt if things went downhill. Maybe it was to keep from kicking up too much dust so he wouldn't end up creating line of his own. He wasn't sure what he was doing was exactly legal, and he really didn't feel like getting into it with the Peruvian police.
Maybe it was because the closer he got, the more foreboding the air became. Something didn't want him there, or at least, wasn't really to accept that he was.
Maybe it was himself. But he was never good at following directions.
He stopped just outside one of the lines and checked his GPS to make sure he'd found the right one. Not that he really needed it. The whole pampa had a subtle feel to it, similar to Markawasi but so much more familiar, and with each geoglyph he passed, it changed slightly. The feeling here was more than familiar in its own way. He could have made his way here with his eyes closed.
His hand found his arm again on its own. He was starting to get a nice bruise on his arm where he'd been gripping it for the last week or so, like the bruise he'd had earlier in the summer. He'd gotten to the point where he hardly even noticed the pain anymore.
But it was a nervous gesture. And he didn't like having nervous gestures.
My loyal servant.
His hand grew tighter and he shut his eyes. He hadn't heard that voice in so long...did he even remember what it sounded like anymore?
His feet started moving on their own. He took a step onto the cleared earth of the line, turned, took another step, and another. He opened his eyes to make sure he didn't trip over anything. He didn't really need the open to see where he was going; he was sure he could have walked this path in his sleep.
The familiar feeling grew more obvious the farther he walked. This feeling wasn't foreboding. This wanted him here.
"It took a long time," Kiryu murmured. He didn't have to speak up. Ccapac Apu would hear him no matter how loud he was. "I should have come here first. Not just...in the planes, but here. I shouldn't have waited this long. I was...scared." He could admit that to his God, couldn't he? He'd admitted it to Saitou. "But I'm here now. I'm sorry I didn't come before now."
No answer. Kiryu wasn't sure he'd really expected one. He'd run into things at Markawasi and Cusco, but there was no saying that wasn't just because of Del. Ccapac Apu should have revealed Himself long before this if He were really here. He should have revealed Himself when Kiryu had died last year. After over a year of being alone, Kiryu wasn't sure he actually expected an answer anymore. Or a sign. Or anything.
Just this feeling was more than he'd been expecting.
But he was going to keep walking. Just in case. He'd doubted his God enough already.
After a couple hours, he set his backpack with food and extra water done next to the path and just grabbed one of his water bottles to keep him going. He'd get back to this point after a while anyway.
It was a couple hours after nightfall that he finally collapsed next to his backpack again. Inside the lines; he didn't need to be outside them. He really wasn't that out of shape but walking for so long without really stopping would tire most people. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep--just long enough to make dinner and fold up a spare jacket for a pillow.
That night, he had another dream about the man from Cusco, but the man only smiled and nodded and disappeared, like every other weird person he'd met. But Kiryu didn't feel like glaring at him. His determination was on this now.
When he got up in the morning, he grabbed a bagel, another water bottle, and a few sips of coca tea and started walking again. He was thankful for the small amount of coca leaves he'd remembered to bring with him. He offered a couple sets of three to the mountains and the lines themselves like he'd seen natives do hundreds of times before. Even Miguel. The rest, though, was for him. He hadn't brought much food, so he was going to need it.
The second night he didn't feel as exhausted as the first, surprisingly. He even stayed up to stare at the stars for a while. It wouldn't be long before he was back in the City and would hardly be able to see any at all. He wasn't sure when he finally fell asleep, only that he woke up again later sometime before dawn.
"Kiryu Kyosuke."
Kiryu glanced up. He'd told Becky not to worry about him, but it didn't exactly sound like Becky anyway...
And it wasn't. It was a woman he'd never seen before but who looked vaguely like Misty, even so that she wore black with green details, although her clothes were much more elaborate. She seemed familiar otherwise too, but he couldn't quite place it.
"Who are you?" he demanded. He probably sounded more angry than he should to whoever this was, but he was sick of being caught off guard. And he really didn't want this to be someone who might want to haul him off to jail.
She smiled, so much like Misty, and shook her head. "Why are you here, Kiryu Kyosuke? Already so far from home..."
Kiryu stared at her, wondering if he really should say anything. Everyone kept asking him that question--Demak, Miguel, Saitou--and while he knew the answer, it was hard to say out loud. He knew he needed his God--except maybe he didn't--but he didn't like admitting it to other people.
But there was something about this woman...he could admit it to her.
"I need to speak with my God," Kiryu said. At least he was able to not sound desperate. "I've tried everything, everywhere else. I was told to come here. I should have come here first. I need to talk to Him."
She didn't say anything to that, just stared, like she was waiting for something more. Kiryu wasn't sure what else to tell her. Those were the important bits; anything else should just be for Him. He wondered if she would even understand what he'd just said anyway.
"I wonder if he'll wish to see you whilst you still hide behind a mask," she said with a coy smile. Then she turned and walked away into the darkness.
"What...Hey! Wait!" Kiryu scrambled to his feet to chase after her, but by the time he was up, she'd disappeared. He thought about wandering to find her, but he was where he needed to be right now--he didn't want to lose it. Not that he really thought he could ever lose this place. But he had a feeling he should stay here. This was where he needed to be. Everything else was a distraction. He didn't need distractions; he distracted himself enough as it was.
"Kiryu Kyosuke."
Kiryu looked up slowly. He would have been so close to giving up if he were the sort of person to do that. Three days and he was exhausted. Even though he'd done so much more than this during his stay in Peru, even though he'd felt more than okay yesterday, this was starting to feel like one of the hardest things yet.
He felt like he was back in that cell, waiting for the end to come. The only time he'd really and truly given up...
The man looked like a giant from Kiryu's position on the ground. And the man behind him. Both were similar to the woman he'd met the night before; familiar but not, dressed in black and another primary color. With these two it was red or yellow. Kiryu only needed a glance to understand the significance and he was scrambling to his feet.
"Uru..." he breathed. "Cusillu...and last night...Ccarayhua..."
And They knew who he was. Of course They knew who he was. Why wouldn't They? He laughed, staring at Them in amazement. This had really worked...or Lachesis had royally fucked up. But he doubted that; why would They come back to this place where They'd been imprisoned for millennia if They didn't have to?
At least these two didn't look as much like Rudger and Demak as Ccarayhua had looked like Misty.
Uru nodded, close to looking proud of him for figuring it out so quickly. Kiryu didn't think He should be; he should have figured it out last night.
But Uru quickly frowned again and glanced at Kiryu's arm. "Why do you continue to hide who you really are?"
Kiryu looked down at his arm as well. It was glowing very faintly, not nearly as brightly as he was used to. He could feel his powers coursing under his skin. He absently tried to light a small fire, but of course it didn't work. It was too bad; his powers would be so much more useful if he could use them all the time.
Cusillu chuckled and shook His head. "You won't find anything different because we're here. Your powers are the same."
"They're closer," Kiryu muttered.
"They would be," Uru said, "with your refusal to use them. Markawasi was a good start, but you did not continue. You had no problem in your City. What is the difference here?"
Kiryu glared up at Him. It probably wasn't a good idea, but he was doing it anyway. He didn't need to keep hearing that. And it wasn't like he'd been in this form the entire time he'd been here. He'd spent most of last week in his true form. He'd almost burned down the hotel he was staying in.
His fist clenched again when he thought about the last week. The Major would be lucky if Starscream or Shockwave got to him first. Kiryu was going to let him burn.
He felt himself change, but it didn't really make any difference. If They really wanted him to be this way, that was an easy way for it to happen. Nothing came to strike him down, no lightning out of nowhere or a sudden painful possession. Maybe he had permission to be this way after all.
Uru didn't look thrilled about it though. And Cusillu looked concerned. Why? Wasn't this what They wanted? Didn't They expect it? They were the ones who wanted him to use his powers, after all.
"I'm sorry you have to feel such hate to use your powers," Cusillu murmured.
Kiryu blinked at Him. That was like what Mary had said, way back when she'd had them for a couple weeks. He didn't see anything wrong with it. That was what had drawn Ccapac Apu to him in the first place. That was what had drawn all of the Earthbound Gods to him and his fellow Dark Signers. It was what They...fed on, in a way. They needed it.
And he had difficulty not feeling hatred toward something at any given time anyway. Usually it was the cops or Yuusei or Cavil. It didn't hurt anyone but himself and those he hated, who generally deserved to suffer anyway. And it hadn't really hurt him until now and his rethinking everything.
"I don't have to," Kiryu found himself saying. Which was true; he could switch whenever he wanted unless he was too tired.
"But it's easier, isn't it?"
Kiryu just nodded. His powers also had a tendency to go off on their own when he was upset in some way.
"Or if I'm in danger," he added, finishing his thought aloud. Even though that wasn't always the case.
Cusillu nodded, but He didn't seem at all reassured. "That's still a very negative circumstance."
"It doesn't matter," Kiryu sneered. "They work just fine. Better, even. At home I couldn't just use them whenever I wanted."
Uru and Cusillu didn't say anything to that. They didn't have to for Kiryu to know They disagreed. He could tell enough from how They'd spoken so far. At least They didn't outright say anything bad about them out loud again. Which gave Kiryu time to ask the most pressing question on his mind.
"Where is Ccapac Apu?" Kiryu asked. "You're here, Ccarayhua was here, He has to be here too. Where is He?"
Uru smiled and shook His head. "Do you think you're ready to speak to him?"
"No," Kiryu answered automatically. Then he cursed; of course he was ready, and he should have said so.
But Uru's smile just grew bigger. "Stop hiding. Stop running away. You claim to have trust in him, but you have to show him that. You have not yet."
"It was a pleasure to speak with you, Kiryu Kyosuke," Cusillu said with a very slight bow. "I wish you luck."
Kiryu didn't try to go after Them this time. If They were going to leave, fine. They weren't his anyway. And he didn't know what they'd keep talking about. He certainly didn't want to keep talking about his powers.
The next two days were spent in his Dark Signer form. If that was what he had to do to see his God, he'd do it, fears be damned. He was certainly more comfortable in this form. And it was easier to walk around the whole drawing in this form, at least at first. He was himself, and the whole area was alive and resonating with his powers.
But the second day brought with it more exhaustion than before, so that he was worried he might switch back and pass out before his God came. But it didn't happen. Even when his feet were dragging and he was tempted to just sit down and not move anymore, he remained himself. He'd been told enough times that he was running, and now he was ready to stop and deal with what his weakness had brought upon him.
"You think it weak to care for your friend?"
Kiryu scrambled to his feet. His breath caught in his throat and heart sped up. He didn't really recognize the voice, but there was something to it that was familiar, just like the feeling in the air and the other Earthbound Gods. He could see the glow from the mark on his arm without looking down. Or maybe it was the mark on his cheek.
"Ccapac Apu..." Then he registered what had actually been said and sneered. "Yuusei isn't my friend."
"I never said a specific name," Ccapac Apu said with a very faint smile. "He was a friend once upon a time, wasn't he? Once a friendship is forged, those feelings are hard to forget."
Kiryu flinched and looked away. His God didn't sound angry with him, but why wouldn't He be? It had to be a trick. But it didn't matter. Kiryu was going to be honest. Even if it got him killed.
He swallowed, pushing back the rising fear. He didn't fear Death at all...except when it came to what his God could do to him. The other Earthbound Gods wouldn't have punished him, but his own would without mercy. Or very little mercy; it might be less painful if he came clean.
He saw Ccapac Apu shit out of the corner of his eye and braced himself.
"Why do you fear me?"
Kiryu stared at the ground in disbelief. Shouldn't He know? Kiryu could feel the connection; it was really Him. He'd known about Yuusei. He should know about this.
Maybe it was another test. That had to be it.
"I've betrayed you," he murmured. He felt a wave of self-loathing with those words. He hated betrayal, and to think he was the culprit this time... "You gave me a new life and a new family and I betrayed you. I betrayed your trust in me."
"Because you still care for your friend?"
Kiryu didn't say anything, but he didn't really feel like he needed to. His God would know either way.
"You are still determined and resourceful, with a strong desire to live and the will to do anything necessary to ensure your survival. You are everything I would look for in an honored servant. Until you betray your own nature, you have not betrayed me."
Kiryu laughed before he realized he was doing it. He'd never stop being himself. No matter what Yuusei and Saitou might want, he liked being himself and he was never going to change. Yuusei would just have to live with it, and he suspected Saitou would be disappointed in him on some level if he did. But the Kiryu Yuusei once knew was different now. Not dead, never dead, no matter what he insisted. But different. And Alastair...Alastair liked him the way he was. Alastair even said he liked him a little too much. Yuusei could deal.
"Even if...even if I haven't destroyed Yuusei? Or tried, since he came back. That's what I was chosen for."
Ccapac Apu narrowed His eyes and Kiryu almost thought he'd overstepped his bounds. But then his God shook His head and said, "I think you should save your vengeance for those who have truly hurt you. If that includes Fudou Yuusei, so be it. But I think there may be others who are more deserving."
Kiryu opened his mouth again, but Ccapac Apu gave him a look to say He wasn't finished.
"You shouldn't worry so much over how loyal you are to me. I have never had anyone more loyal before. You came so far to see me and you've been so honest and unafraid to speak your mind. I'm proud to have a servant such as yourself."
Kiryu flushed and looked away again. The Ccapac Apu he knew was nice, but not nearly this nice or so free with praise. He wondered for the first time if this was really the Ccapac Apu of this world or just something claiming to be Him. He certainly wasn't from his own world. But did that really matter? He was Ccapac Apu and the connection was there. This wasn't his world, so of course his wouldn't be here.
"I'm of this world," Ccapac Apu said with a slight nod. "I have never been to any other."
Kiryu nodded and glanced at his arm. His mark glowed either way.
"It doesn't matter," he said softly, as much to himself as his God. "You're here, so it doesn't matter. But..." He grabbed his arm, almost guarding the mark. "In the City..."
He couldn't forget how he could only hear himself and his memories in his head; the constant presence of his God wasn't there. But if He existed in this would, shouldn't He be there?
A pale hand covered his own. He looked up into bright blue eyes, glowing with power and uncharacteristic kindness.
"So long as you believe in me, I am with you. These powers are mine. The card you possess is mine. I'm with you, even if you don't hear me. Why would I abandon such a loyal servant?"
"I've thought about abandoning you," Kiryu whispered. "I couldn't do it. But I thought about it."
"Most people have those thoughts every now and then. Why couldn't you?"
"I didn't want to. I couldn't betray you like that."
Ccapac Apu nodded with a proud smile. "Loyalty is very important to you. That's a trait to be proud of. Too many people today betray without a second thought."
"I don't betray my friends," Kiryu hissed, bristling at the thought. "I can't say the same about my goals anymore..." Which was probably why he was okay with Soundwave betraying the Major, other than the fact the the Major was a moron and blowing up D.C. wouldn't serve any purpose save destruction. "But never my friends. Never my allies."
"Even Yuusei?"
Kiryu glared at Him, but it was mostly to hide his sudden unease. He'd never seen his actions against Yuusei as a betrayal--Yuusei was the one who'd betrayed him after all--but if Yuusei was telling the truth...if he really hadn't betrayed him...
Then again, Kiryu had never really given up on Yuusei, had he? Even at home, when he wanted Yuusei to suffer and die, he would have been satisfied with that. He still wanted to play out Team Satisfaction's last duel, and he wanted to play it out with his team, including Yuusei. They had never understood; being at their side had always been more important than crushing Security.
And he still thought fondly of Yuusei sometimes. That pissed him off, but he couldn't deny it and the thoughts didn't go away.
"I don't betray my friends," he said. He wasn't going to say anything else. His God already knew anyway.
"I am glad to be considered a friend."
"Of course you are," Kiryu said, staring at Him. Why wouldn't He be?
Ccapac Apu smiled and shook His head. "I can't imagine why you ever doubted your loyalty. You've answered your own questions about it this entire time."
Kiryu frowned, but he supposed the maybe in a way he had. He wasn't sure he'd actually decided on anything, but he knew without a doubt now that he was loyal to this being who had saved his life, loved him even, and he always would be. He didn't think he'd ever really doubted that, but he'd doubted plenty of other things.
His God was really here. He could place his trust in Him. Maybe not for the same things as back home--Lachesis would always be the one keeping him tied to this world--but he had to have trust in his God to believe in him. And he did. His God was right here. There was no mistaking that. It was like hanging out with Didi.
"Thank you," Kiryu murmured, gripping his arm tighter. He finally felt like he was standing on mostly solid ground again. He'd been floundering for so long--since he'd died at that bastard's hand--it was a breath of fresh air.
Ccapac Apu squeezed his hand. "Thank you. I know you did not choose to travel to this world, but it is good to see you want to stay. I'm glad I could help strengthen that desire. You are mine, Kiryu Kyosuke. I am very possessive of what's mine."
"Is there anything you want from me? Any orders?"
"Simply continue doing what you've been doing. Take vengeance on those who have wronged you. Take the path you feel is right. I wouldn't have chosen you if I didn't think you could make the right choices."
Kiryu had to smirk at that. He wouldn't have any problem following those instructions.
But would it even matter...?
"Will you know?" he asked. His God had said it once but he needed more reassurance. "If I do or don't do that?"
"I know everything you've done here, Kiryu Kyosuke. I question the wisdom in living with a samurai or joining up with former robots, but it seems both have been to your benefit. I simply hope that will continue."
Ccapac Apu gave him a mischievous smile and turned to walk away. Kiryu almost called for Him to wait, but he suddenly felt exhausted. His mark practically flickered as he switched forms and collapsed. He supposed he didn't need Ccapac Apu there anymore--he'd gotten what he needed--but it would've been nice.
And he really didn't like passing out on the pampa like this. He sent a quick text to Becky before his vision went black. At least someone would know he was out here.