Comments | cantchangeme: i watched a change in you

logan_echolls in cantchangeme

i watched a change in you

Mar 20, 2006 10:10

It's the fifth night a row this week that I haven't been able to sleep. Not sleep in so many ways that I wonder if there really is something wrong with me. Of course there is, I just can't exactly vocalize it. We've been here for a total of three weeks, maybe more, and five days ago I started to have dreams - nightmares (memories?) - that just make ( Read more... )

Comments 38

renewedsoul_v March 21 2006, 01:12:30 UTC

I'm sure Logan thinks I'm not noticing the fact that for the better part of a week now he hasn't been sleeping - or at least that I shouldn't be noticing... only problem with that whole idea is that at least half of those mornings I wake up and he's not even in the room. Call me crazy but when something's bothering someone you love to the point that he's not even trying to fall back asleep it doesn't exactly take fancy detective skills to figure out that something's more than a little off ( ... )

logan_echolls March 21 2006, 01:49:05 UTC

Yeah, I can see this conversation going so well: So, Veronica, we ran off for no reason. I'm just remember that I actually did kill Felix. This whole fighting for me thing that we've been doing - that your dad's been doing - is kind of pointless. Please, take me away.It wasn't going to work. I didn't want this. I just wanted to go through a night's sleep without dreaming about that let alone having my girlfriend up and awake worrying for me too. That look on her fact now was because she was worried about me and had no idea what was going on. Like telling her all this was going to help in any way, anyway ( ... )

renewedsoul_v March 21 2006, 02:36:52 UTC

"Okay." I nodded when he said he was going back to bed after dropping my hand. I didn't exactly believe him. If I hadn't gotten up to check on him he'd probably try to act like he'd gotten up like an hour before me when I got up in the morning without a single attempt to come back to bed. But if he wanted to pretend like he was planning on it, what good would calling him on the lie do? Start a fight that neither of us had the energy to actually deal with ( ... )

logan_echolls March 21 2006, 02:56:04 UTC

I want to believe her when she insists that everything is okay, but I don't. I swallow hard and shut my eyes for a moment, nodding to her when she tells me to forget about what ever it was. I can't forget it, that's the thing. This defines our very existence and our lives (how they are and how they will turn out).

I let out a breath and follow her back into the bedroom, shutting off the light of the bathroom behind me. It's not like I can exactly get out of going back to bed when I just told her that I was going to. No matter how much I'd rather not be bed in the moment, I wanted her to worry even less.

I could still tell that she didn't believe me that this was nothing (which, why should she?) and that it was just a bad dream. Veronica knows how to find clues more than anyone else. She knows when things are wrong and she probably knows me better than I know myself sometimes ( ... )

Thread 12

renewedsoul_v March 23 2006, 01:12:45 UTC

He's still looking at me as if he thinks this admission of his dream - nightmare - whatever - was going to drastically change things between us. Like I was just going to instantly stop loving him like a freaking switch had been flipped or something. He's clearly still not getting that I couldn't stop loving him when I tried. His two arrests since then hadn't changed anything, and I didn't believe for a second he was actually guilty so why should this?

There's so many things he's thinking and not saying flickering in his eyes and I wish he'd just open his mouth and say anything. Disagree with the entire concept of false memories, try to argue the fact that we're actually even the tiniest bit happy here, point out that something's still bugging him about Maribeth and Daniel. Anything at all would be preferable to this complete and total silence while I worry about just what exactly is floating through his brain ( ... )

logan_echolls March 23 2006, 09:55:25 UTC

I know that I've done a large number of horrible things in my life and that this is probably karma's way of kicking my ass and saying Gotcha! but I seriously didn't think that I deserved it. Not this. Not all of this. Not the father that is my model for everything that I don't want to be. It's like I seem to be slipping into my family's old habits of lies and deception anyway. I'm waiting for the TV spots that exclaim Like father, like son. I know I've done horrible things, but I still don't want to believe that I've done this. If I had, I would have expected Veronica herself to put the handcuffs on my wrists and march me down to a prison ( ... )

renewedsoul_v March 23 2006, 20:36:53 UTC

Logan's practically clinging to me the second he lets himself accept the fact that I've pulled him back towards me. I almost expected him to pull away at the first chance he got, so pulling me closer was a welcomed surprise. He was still trapped in his thoughts, but at least he was letting me help. It was something.

"Maybe that's what my dad was having so many issues with my taking Mars Investigations cases?" I smirked, joking back, trying to get him to relax. "He was afraid I was gonna put him out of a job somehow?" Right, because I wanted to do that? Mars Investigations was his until he decided otherwise... I just helped out.

"You over this idea that I'm going to hate you or something now?" I asked him softly, "'Cause if so and you still feel the need to go for a walk and angst endlessly over things then fine. As long as you trust that I love you and that's not changing." I add, caressing his cheek as I pressed a soft kiss to his lips.

logan_echolls March 24 2006, 07:43:05 UTC

I didn't think for once that Veronica had ever hated me. I had only thought that there were certain things out there that she'd consider completely unforgivable, even in me. Murder being one of them. Even the suggestion of it makes my stomach spin uneasily. I knew how to hurt them but there were certain lines that even I didn't cross - until the night that Felix died, maybe.

I never believed she'd stop loving me either. I only believed in the fact that there are some things even greater than us and more powerful. I believed that there were some things that could tear people up inside and never let them go - and I believed that sometimes that got in the way of some of the most powerful wills ever.

"Yeah," I say, a small hitch in my throat. "Well, you are the future face, aren't you?" If Veronica was anything I'd think that that was where she was exactly going. A P.I. like her old man. Anything like that. She was good at the job and sometimes you had to wonder if she actually had more cases on the run than her father ( ... )

Thread 12

renewedsoul_v March 28 2006, 07:01:44 UTC

Suggesting sleep was kind of pointless and I pretty much knew it. He was exhausted, sure, but it's hard to rest when your mind won't stop spinning, over analyzing, and twisting the tiniest details. I'd been there often enough when it came to Lilly, my mom, Logan's mom, trying to piece together everything with the PCHers and the Fitzpatricks and Logan ( ... )

logan_echolls March 29 2006, 08:30:56 UTC

She moves in a little closer to me when I wrap my arm around her waist and for moments - just moments - I feel this breath of relief run through me. I wouldn't be able to do this without her - I know it for a fact. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't actually have much of a life without Veronica anyway. For a rare moment, it wasn't about reclaiming things of the past. What I had with Veronica, although it can be traced back to the glory days, was rooted into the future too. There was always going to be something more for us ( ... )

renewedsoul_v April 1 2006, 01:08:40 UTC

I felt him relax just slightly after I moved closer to him. He's letting himself breathe, just be, for half a second. I knew it wasn't going to last, but just the fact that it even happened, all things considered, was pretty major. As long as we had each other to keep us grounded, things would be fine. I firmly believed that the last morning in Neptune. That's why I refused to let him break up with me. We were stronger together. When had that not been true if we stopped fighting for like five seconds ( ... )

logan_echolls April 1 2006, 01:36:36 UTC

"Cookie Dough, Mint Chocolate Chip, Fudge, Caramel, Maraschino Cherries, M&Ms, Rainbow Sprinkles... Only the works," I reassured her, listing off sundae options for us. I'm pretty sure that she knew by now that I wasn't going to actually complain when it came to her feeding me sundaes or even offering that option of food. "As long as I can have you on top," I stated, because ice cream wasn't nearly as worth it otherwise ( ... )

Thread 12

renewedsoul_v April 16 2006, 19:34:35 UTC

"Like I care?" I laughed softly as he kissed me, "Surfing's your thing, Logan." And it was true. Any time the guys had decided we needed to accompany them on an afternoon to the beach they would surf while Lilly and I laid in the sun flipping through whatever magazines we brought with us. It worked pretty well. Logan and Duncan were happy, Lilly and I were entertained ( ... )

logan_echolls April 16 2006, 23:29:54 UTC

"Mmhm," I agreed in relation to her comments on how surfing was sort of my thing. It took enough convincing to get her out there in the first place. She could definitely think of things she'd rather do - swimming, at least, being one of them. "I think I can forgive you for any surfing and/or jelly bean indiscretion."

"I just assumed that you silently weren't into my vaguely depressing dramas," I replied to her, my words slightly muffled into the nearby pillow. "We could always watch Easy Rider again," I suggested. It was my never fail movie - the movie I had watched whenever I really desperately needed to feel anything. Plus, we didn't even have to rent it because we had a copy right amidst the other movies we had bought.

I know she's started to reply to me, but I'm so out of it right now that it's faded into background which would be horrible to say about a girlfriend if I wasn't so tired.

"Mmhm," I semi-acknowledge her again.