22 (a)
Title: A Brief History of Hemingway and STRING THEORY
Pairing/Characters: Cesc Fàbregas/David Silva
Master post, A/N, etc, etc.
David is fine being single. He can make decisions on his own without having to take anyone's thoughts or feelings into consideration, or spend extra money on gifts or fancy meals, or worry about forgetting special dates and all that other nonsense.
But Alexis can be very persistent sometimes. “Who said anything about a relationship?” he asks. “Just date someone; you haven’t seen anyone since Da―”
David cuts him short by covering Alexis’ mouth with his hand. “Finish that and I disown you.”
Alexis rolls his eyes as David drops his hand. “David, what happened on Hollyoaks yesterday?”
David lights up. “Lee and Jamil started their own radio show! You’ll never believe who they asked to give advice on their show. Lynsey. Can you believe…” He trails off when he sees the look on Alexis’ face. “What?”
Alexis crosses his arms across his chest. “David, you’re not supposed to know that. You shouldn’t be at home watching Hollyoaks and Eastenders―”
“I do not watch Eastenders,” David interrupts, indignantly. He drops his head and under his breath, mumbles, “I watch Coronation Street.”
Alexis grimaces. “That’s it. We’re getting you a date.”
“There isn’t anyone I’m interested in, so just leave it alone.”
“David, your entire social circle is limited to Mata and me, and the literature geeks that you hang out with, so you’ll excuse me if I choose to believe that there’s more out there for you.”
David stiffens. “I’m not going out club-hopping or bar-crawling or whatever passes for hip these days.”
Alexis looks mildly horrified. “I’m going to have to ask you to never say the word ‘hip’ again. And what is wrong with you? You’re twenty-two, you need to go out and meet people. Not live vicariously through characters on TV.”
“I am not going clubbing,” David insists.
“If you won’t meet anyone by actually going out, I’m going to have to consider Mata’s suggestion, and you know I hate when he’s right.”
David narrows his eyes. “What did Mata say?”
“He predicted that you wouldn’t want to go out to parties or pubs so he suggested online dating.”
“Over my dead body.”
“That is precisely the point, David. Go out, meet people.”
“I like being single!”
“And that would be fine, except you seem to still be stuck on He Who Shall Not Be Named.”
“I am not.”
“Really? Is that why you won’t delete his messages from your voicemail? Is that why you still wear that T-shirt of his?”
David looks hurts. “We went out for a year, I can’t just erase him out of my life.”
“It’s been six months, David.”
When David doesn’t say anything, Alexis huffs. “I didn’t want to do this but you’ve given me no choice. Think about it this way: if you don’t ever date anyone again, that means the last person you will have been with is Villa, and that means that in your entire existence, the only person you will have ever dated is Villa. I’m sure you’ve romanticized that in your head, but he’s already dating someone else, so I don’t think he’s losing any sleep over you.”
David clenches his jaw. “Fine,” he says. “I’ll do it.”
~
Cesc dramatically flings himself on the couch and throws his arm across his face, giving off the air of an extremely distressed person, which knowing Cesc could be as bad as losing his wallet or something as stupid as getting only five nuggets in his McNugget meal, you can never really be sure with him.
“Bad date?” Tomáš asks, not looking up from his book.
“The worst.” Cesc sits up looking despondent. “I really wanted this one to work.”
Tomáš looks up at him over his book. “Why is that?” he asks, carefully. He’s trying to decide if Cesc actually liked whomever he had gone out with, because that might actually warrant putting down his book.
“He was so cute.”
Tomáš rolls his eyes. “Good looks does not a good date make.” He’s been reading the same line for the past three minutes; this tends to happen whenever Cesc is around. Tomáš isn’t even sure why he bothers coming out to the living room to read, he should just stay in his room.
“Tomáš.” Cesc walks over to him and grabs the book out of his hands. “You’re not listening.”
“I’m reading that.”
Cesc glances at the cover. “Life of Pi?” He looks unimpressed. “This book is so overrated. Ooh, the tiger isn’t real, big deal.”
“Cesc! I hadn’t read it yet.” Tomáš snatches the book back from Cesc and smacks him lightly on the back of the head.
“Oww!”
“That’s what you get for being insolent,” Tomáš says, crossly.
Rubbing his head, Cesc drops back down on the couch and sighs heavily. When Tomáš ignores him, he sighs again, only louder this time. When this still gets no reaction, he sighs one more time and adds a whimper.
Tomáš shakes his head, but after sliding his bookmark into the book, he sets it down and turns to Cesc. “Okay, what happened?”
“Nothing, he was perfectly lovely until the end of the evening.”
“What happened at the end of the evening?”
“He turned into an octopus.” Cesc wraps his arms around himself and shudders. “His hands were everywhere and ugh, he was an awful kisser. He was so slobbery. It was like being assaulted by a Saint Bernard.”
“Sounds like a keeper. Where did you meet him?”
“This party I went to last night. He was cute so I asked him out.”
“Did you ask him anything about himself before you asked him out?”
“Are you single?”
“Cesc.” Tomáš sighs in exasperation. “What do you expect when you don’t have any sort of screening process?” He presses on when Cesc opens his mouth. “Making sure he’s available does not count as screening.”
Cesc purses his lips. “Well, I’ve learned my lesson,” he says sulkily. “Sergio is right. Maybe I should try online dating, all the guys I meet in real life are stupid or taken or straight.”
“Yeah, because all good ideas start with ‘Sergio is right’,” Tomáš says, rolling his eyes.
Cesc glares at him. “You don’t know what it’s like. You and Marouane have been going out since you were in high school; I don’t know why you guys aren’t even living together yet. Meanwhile, I have to watch you two be all lovey-dovey and ‘Hey baby, how was your day?’ ‘It was good; I read this really interesting book.’ ‘Oh, did you? Tell me about it’, and I want to go jump off a cliff because you guys are disgusting, but I’m jealous.”
Tomáš frowns; he and Marouane are nothing like that― Marouane would never ask about whatever he’s read, but Cesc has seemed pretty lonely lately. “If you’re going to do this online dating thing, will you do me a favour?”
Cesc looks at him suspiciously. “What?”
“If the first three dates you choose are crap, and they will be because you have appalling taste, will you let me pick the fourth one?”
Cesc considers this. “Fine, but you have to pick someone good-looking.”
Tomáš rolls his eyes. “This is why you always have bad dates. Shallow is as shallow does.”
Cesc just throws a couch cushion at his face.
~
“I am not listing Hollyoaks as an interest.”
“Why not? It’s true.”
“Because, David, we are trying to draw people in. No one is going to respond if you say you watch Hollyoaks.”
“Maybe I don’t want to date anyone who feels that way.”
“David…”
“No, I mean it. I kept these little things from Villa because I felt embarrassed about them and I don’t want to do that again. If it’s a problem for someone, then I don’t want to really be with that person anyway.”
“Fine.”
“Alexis!”
“What? I spelled it right, didn’t I?”
“Don’t put in Coronation Street! That’s just…I only watch it when nothing’s on.”
“No, you don’t, you TiVo it.”
“Alexiiiiis.”
“I thought you didn’t want to hide anything.”
“I don’t, but Coronation Street is embarrassing.”
“And Hollyoaks isn’t?”
“Just remove it.”
“Okay. You’re awfully picky for someone who didn’t even want to do this.”
“What is that picture― hey! You guys told me you deleted all those pictures from that night.”
“David, it’s the fun side of you. And the rest of your profile reads like a nerd, which is…I mean, we love you because we know you. We just want other people to get to know you too.”
“I’m changing it later on.”
“Sure. If you figure out how to change it, then you deserve to pick whichever picture you want.”
“Can’t you change that? The spelling bothers me.”
“David. It’s the name of the site; we can’t just change the spelling.”
“What possible reason could they have for spelling connections with a K? Konnections isn’t a word.”
“Maybe they were trying to be unique.”
“It’s not unique, it’s irresponsible.”
“David, shut up, I can’t believe that is what you’re focusing on. Help us fill out the rest of your profile.”
“Ugh, if I end up dating someone from here, I’ll have to tell people we met through a site called Love Konnections. Konnections with a K.”
“They don’t have to know it’s spelled with a K.”
“I’ll know.”
~
~
“So Cesc’s date,” Marouane says, glancing at the picture. “He looks like he skipped a few steps in the evolutionary chain. Or is that just me? You’re not really going to let him go out with that guy, are you?”
“I’m going to try to talk to him.”
And he does, but it doesn’t go too well.
“He contacted me,” Cesc insists, discarding the third shirt he has tried on, and reaching for another one. “I might as well give him a chance. He looks nice.”
Marouane snorts at that.
“And he likes Shakira.”
Tomáš raises an eyebrow at that. “Shakira?”
“Yeah.” Cesc finally decides on a shirt and after he buttons it up, he turns to them. “You know, the singer. Hips don’t lie?” He starts to shake his hips, awkwardly.
“No, no, no.” Marouane puts his hands on Cesc’s waist to still him. “No. No.”
Tomáš bites his lip. “Cesc, I really don’t think this is a good idea. You don’t have anything in common with him.”
“I’m sure we’ll find something. The profiles don’t cover everything.”
“True, but the profiles are supposed to give you a starting point. Why did this guy even pick you if you have nothing in common?”
Cesc shrugs. “His message said I was cute.”
Tomáš frowns at him. “Do you really want to go out with someone who just contacted you because of how you look? It’s obvious that he didn’t even read your profile.”
Cesc rolls his eyes. “Tomáš, just relax. It’s dinner and if he’s awful like you think, you get to say I told you so in a few hours, okay?”
A car horn beeps from downstairs and Cesc perks up. “That’s him.”
Marouane looks appalled. “He’s not coming upstairs to pick you up at the door?”
Cesc rolls his eyes. “I’m not a girl, what is wrong with the two of you?”
“You’re not some package delivery. He should come upstairs.” Marouane looks out the window. “Which one is his car?”
“Oh god, I’m leaving now, before you yell for him or something.” Cesc turn to Tomáš. “Are you going to wish me luck?”
Tomáš sighs. “Of course, Cesc. Have fun.”
Cesc beams at him. “Thank you.”
Marouane makes a face at Tomáš after Cesc leaves. “I don’t like this guy. What’s his name? Gerard? What kind of person honks for someone?”
Tomáš shrugs. “Maybe we’re wrong. Come on, let’s go watch that stupid movie you picked out.”
~
Xabi’s profile had seemed nice enough: he liked to read, he preferred quiet evenings spent inside (“Look, David, a social pariah just like you,” Mata had said), and it wasn’t as if he had lied.
The only difference was that David doesn’t think the world is missing out a lot when he chooses to stay home; but Xabi, on the other hand, needs to be out in the world and not staying at home. Where David is awkward and shy, Xabi is sociable and easygoing.
“Are you okay?” Xabi asks.
David looks at him, surprised. “I am, why?” He mentally goes through the last few minutes in his mind trying to see if he had done or said anything that might suggest otherwise, but he can’t think of anything.
“You haven’t said anything for the last fifteen minutes.” Xabi smiles. “Am I boring you? I tend to ramble if no one stops me.”
David shakes his head. “No, it’s okay. I’m not used to having a date who actually knows who T.S. Eliot is, let alone someone who quotes The Wasteland.”
Xabi blinks. “I did not quote The Wasteland.”
David smirks. “From the Fire Sermon.”
Xabi grimaces. “My friend says he’s going to set my bookshelf on fire if I even mention Eliot’s name when he’s around. I sort of drove him crazy while I was reading Prufrock.”
“My roommates hid my copy of Paradise Lost after I tried to get them to read it,” David says, laughing.
Xabi leans in towards him. “My roommate thinks Harry Potter is good literature.”
David shrugs. “There’s nothing wrong with Harry Potter. Don’t be a snob.” He grins as he takes a sip of his water.
“Yeah, he called me a snob too,” Xabi says, smiling. “He said I should be happy he was reading at all.”
“He doesn’t normally?”
Xabi shakes his head. “He’s into computers and technology. He couldn’t tell you who Tom Sawyer is but he can take your laptop apart and put it back together in five minutes.”
“It must be helpful to have him around. My laptop keeps crashing, but that’s after my roommate, Mata, borrows it so I think it’s the stuff he does online. I don’t bother to ask, I’m sure I don’t really want to know.”
Xabi shrugs. “I suppose. It doesn’t help me much, because I don’t really use mine. I think he’s actually hoping I get a virus so that he can tinker around with it.”
David laughs. “He sounds interesting.”
Xabi smirks a little. “Yeah, I guess that’s one way of putting it.”
~
Cesc returns from his date exactly two hours after he leaves. He slams the door shut and worms his way in between Tomáš and Marouane on the couch, his face set in a deep frown.
Tomáš exchanges looks with Marouane, who pauses the movie and says he’s going to go make some tea.
“Did he just drop you off?” Tomáš asks, cautiously.
Cesc scowls. “No, I took a cab home. He was such a colossal tool.” He violently punches the cushion he had pulled onto his lap. “He ordered for me. Can you believe that? Our first date and he orders for me. He said I looked like I was in the mood for steak. Do you know what the worst part is? It wasn’t even real steak! It was a Portobello steak.” He punches the cushion again. “Fucking mushrooms. While we were looking at the menu, I said I hated mushrooms. So I went, ‘Uhhh, I said I hate mushrooms,’ and he said, ‘I know, this is steak.’ Argh!”
Tomáš cringes. “What did you do?”
“I ate my salad like some fucking diva who only eats salads on dates when she really just wants a cheeseburger,” Cesc growls. He pauses and a look of longing flashes across his face. “I would kill for a cheeseburger.” It’s gone in a second though and replaced by anger again. “And then, ugh.” He groans and buries his face in the pillow. “He told me he has a PhD.”
Marouane returns with the tea, and sets it down on the coffee table. “Well, that’s good, right?”
Tomáš, on the other hand, looks suspicious. “He has a PhD?” He thinks back to the profile. “He didn’t mention that on his profile, it seems like something you would mention.” He didn’t say what he was thinking, which was that Gerard Piqué seemed like the last person to have a PhD. “Didn’t he say he went to the School of Life? I wasn’t aware they gave you PhDs there.”
“That’s because it’s not the kind of PhD that we’re thinking of,” Cesc says, his words muffled by the cushion.
“What other PhD is there?” Marouane asks, looking confused.
Cesc looks up, his face red. “It stands for a ‘Pretty huge―’” The rest of it is drowned out as he faceplants back into the cushion.
“Okay, we are blocking him on that site,” Tomáš says, decisively.
Marouane pats Cesc on the back. “I’m sure your next date will be better,” he says, soothingly. “Come on, let’s get you a cheeseburger.
~
~
“You look happy,” Alexis says as he passes David the tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
David smiles. “I am. I had a good time tonight.” He grabs his laptop when he hears a notification come up.
Hi, David,
I had a good time today. If I didn’t bore you, I hope we can meet again. We can even talk about Harry Potter, if you like.
Sincerely,
Xabi
Alexis, who has leaned over his shoulder to read his e-mail, laughs. “I have never seen anyone write an e-mail that way, not even you. He’s kind of a square.”
David shoves him. “He’s not a square,” he says, crossly. “He’s really nice, and we have a lot in common.”
Alexis shrugs. “As long as you like him.”
David rereads the e-mail and smiles.
Hi, Xabi!
I had a great time tonight. You didn’t bore me at all. We should definitely do it again sometime soon. We don’t even have to talk about HP, we can stick to your precious Dostoevsky.
He pauses, wondering how to sign off on it. ‘Sincerely’ would just be mimicking Xabi, he didn’t want Xabi to think he was copying him. ‘Regards’ sounded cold and ‘affectionately’ was just weird. He quickly adds:
- David
Then he closes his laptop and snatches the ice cream back from Alexis.
~
Cesc logs on to block Gerard, or flag him, whatever the hell he has to do to cleanse him from his life. He’s infuriated to see that Gerard has sent him a message. He’s tempted to just delete it, but he clicks on the message on the off chance that it explains why Gerard had been a massive douche.
It doesn’t.
hola cescito !
moc ..moc ! ;)
Cesc stares at the message. What the fuck? He blinks at it, and quickly runs through their date trying to see if anything suggests that he should know what on earth that means. There isn’t anything.
This just pisses him off even more. And Cescito. Oh god. He can’t believe he went out with him. He knows he should just ignore the message, delete it, but he hits ‘Reply’ anyway.
DIAF.
Cesc clicks ‘Send’, and then quickly blocks him as fast as he can. He Adblocks Gerard’s profile picture for good measure too.
Next
Pairing/Characters: Cesc Fàbregas/David Silva
Master post, A/N, etc, etc.
David is fine being single. He can make decisions on his own without having to take anyone's thoughts or feelings into consideration, or spend extra money on gifts or fancy meals, or worry about forgetting special dates and all that other nonsense.
But Alexis can be very persistent sometimes. “Who said anything about a relationship?” he asks. “Just date someone; you haven’t seen anyone since Da―”
David cuts him short by covering Alexis’ mouth with his hand. “Finish that and I disown you.”
Alexis rolls his eyes as David drops his hand. “David, what happened on Hollyoaks yesterday?”
David lights up. “Lee and Jamil started their own radio show! You’ll never believe who they asked to give advice on their show. Lynsey. Can you believe…” He trails off when he sees the look on Alexis’ face. “What?”
Alexis crosses his arms across his chest. “David, you’re not supposed to know that. You shouldn’t be at home watching Hollyoaks and Eastenders―”
“I do not watch Eastenders,” David interrupts, indignantly. He drops his head and under his breath, mumbles, “I watch Coronation Street.”
Alexis grimaces. “That’s it. We’re getting you a date.”
“There isn’t anyone I’m interested in, so just leave it alone.”
“David, your entire social circle is limited to Mata and me, and the literature geeks that you hang out with, so you’ll excuse me if I choose to believe that there’s more out there for you.”
David stiffens. “I’m not going out club-hopping or bar-crawling or whatever passes for hip these days.”
Alexis looks mildly horrified. “I’m going to have to ask you to never say the word ‘hip’ again. And what is wrong with you? You’re twenty-two, you need to go out and meet people. Not live vicariously through characters on TV.”
“I am not going clubbing,” David insists.
“If you won’t meet anyone by actually going out, I’m going to have to consider Mata’s suggestion, and you know I hate when he’s right.”
David narrows his eyes. “What did Mata say?”
“He predicted that you wouldn’t want to go out to parties or pubs so he suggested online dating.”
“Over my dead body.”
“That is precisely the point, David. Go out, meet people.”
“I like being single!”
“And that would be fine, except you seem to still be stuck on He Who Shall Not Be Named.”
“I am not.”
“Really? Is that why you won’t delete his messages from your voicemail? Is that why you still wear that T-shirt of his?”
David looks hurts. “We went out for a year, I can’t just erase him out of my life.”
“It’s been six months, David.”
When David doesn’t say anything, Alexis huffs. “I didn’t want to do this but you’ve given me no choice. Think about it this way: if you don’t ever date anyone again, that means the last person you will have been with is Villa, and that means that in your entire existence, the only person you will have ever dated is Villa. I’m sure you’ve romanticized that in your head, but he’s already dating someone else, so I don’t think he’s losing any sleep over you.”
David clenches his jaw. “Fine,” he says. “I’ll do it.”
~
Cesc dramatically flings himself on the couch and throws his arm across his face, giving off the air of an extremely distressed person, which knowing Cesc could be as bad as losing his wallet or something as stupid as getting only five nuggets in his McNugget meal, you can never really be sure with him.
“Bad date?” Tomáš asks, not looking up from his book.
“The worst.” Cesc sits up looking despondent. “I really wanted this one to work.”
Tomáš looks up at him over his book. “Why is that?” he asks, carefully. He’s trying to decide if Cesc actually liked whomever he had gone out with, because that might actually warrant putting down his book.
“He was so cute.”
Tomáš rolls his eyes. “Good looks does not a good date make.” He’s been reading the same line for the past three minutes; this tends to happen whenever Cesc is around. Tomáš isn’t even sure why he bothers coming out to the living room to read, he should just stay in his room.
“Tomáš.” Cesc walks over to him and grabs the book out of his hands. “You’re not listening.”
“I’m reading that.”
Cesc glances at the cover. “Life of Pi?” He looks unimpressed. “This book is so overrated. Ooh, the tiger isn’t real, big deal.”
“Cesc! I hadn’t read it yet.” Tomáš snatches the book back from Cesc and smacks him lightly on the back of the head.
“Oww!”
“That’s what you get for being insolent,” Tomáš says, crossly.
Rubbing his head, Cesc drops back down on the couch and sighs heavily. When Tomáš ignores him, he sighs again, only louder this time. When this still gets no reaction, he sighs one more time and adds a whimper.
Tomáš shakes his head, but after sliding his bookmark into the book, he sets it down and turns to Cesc. “Okay, what happened?”
“Nothing, he was perfectly lovely until the end of the evening.”
“What happened at the end of the evening?”
“He turned into an octopus.” Cesc wraps his arms around himself and shudders. “His hands were everywhere and ugh, he was an awful kisser. He was so slobbery. It was like being assaulted by a Saint Bernard.”
“Sounds like a keeper. Where did you meet him?”
“This party I went to last night. He was cute so I asked him out.”
“Did you ask him anything about himself before you asked him out?”
“Are you single?”
“Cesc.” Tomáš sighs in exasperation. “What do you expect when you don’t have any sort of screening process?” He presses on when Cesc opens his mouth. “Making sure he’s available does not count as screening.”
Cesc purses his lips. “Well, I’ve learned my lesson,” he says sulkily. “Sergio is right. Maybe I should try online dating, all the guys I meet in real life are stupid or taken or straight.”
“Yeah, because all good ideas start with ‘Sergio is right’,” Tomáš says, rolling his eyes.
Cesc glares at him. “You don’t know what it’s like. You and Marouane have been going out since you were in high school; I don’t know why you guys aren’t even living together yet. Meanwhile, I have to watch you two be all lovey-dovey and ‘Hey baby, how was your day?’ ‘It was good; I read this really interesting book.’ ‘Oh, did you? Tell me about it’, and I want to go jump off a cliff because you guys are disgusting, but I’m jealous.”
Tomáš frowns; he and Marouane are nothing like that― Marouane would never ask about whatever he’s read, but Cesc has seemed pretty lonely lately. “If you’re going to do this online dating thing, will you do me a favour?”
Cesc looks at him suspiciously. “What?”
“If the first three dates you choose are crap, and they will be because you have appalling taste, will you let me pick the fourth one?”
Cesc considers this. “Fine, but you have to pick someone good-looking.”
Tomáš rolls his eyes. “This is why you always have bad dates. Shallow is as shallow does.”
Cesc just throws a couch cushion at his face.
~
“I am not listing Hollyoaks as an interest.”
“Why not? It’s true.”
“Because, David, we are trying to draw people in. No one is going to respond if you say you watch Hollyoaks.”
“Maybe I don’t want to date anyone who feels that way.”
“David…”
“No, I mean it. I kept these little things from Villa because I felt embarrassed about them and I don’t want to do that again. If it’s a problem for someone, then I don’t want to really be with that person anyway.”
“Fine.”
“Alexis!”
“What? I spelled it right, didn’t I?”
“Don’t put in Coronation Street! That’s just…I only watch it when nothing’s on.”
“No, you don’t, you TiVo it.”
“Alexiiiiis.”
“I thought you didn’t want to hide anything.”
“I don’t, but Coronation Street is embarrassing.”
“And Hollyoaks isn’t?”
“Just remove it.”
“Okay. You’re awfully picky for someone who didn’t even want to do this.”
“What is that picture― hey! You guys told me you deleted all those pictures from that night.”
“David, it’s the fun side of you. And the rest of your profile reads like a nerd, which is…I mean, we love you because we know you. We just want other people to get to know you too.”
“I’m changing it later on.”
“Sure. If you figure out how to change it, then you deserve to pick whichever picture you want.”
“Can’t you change that? The spelling bothers me.”
“David. It’s the name of the site; we can’t just change the spelling.”
“What possible reason could they have for spelling connections with a K? Konnections isn’t a word.”
“Maybe they were trying to be unique.”
“It’s not unique, it’s irresponsible.”
“David, shut up, I can’t believe that is what you’re focusing on. Help us fill out the rest of your profile.”
“Ugh, if I end up dating someone from here, I’ll have to tell people we met through a site called Love Konnections. Konnections with a K.”
“They don’t have to know it’s spelled with a K.”
“I’ll know.”
~
~
“So Cesc’s date,” Marouane says, glancing at the picture. “He looks like he skipped a few steps in the evolutionary chain. Or is that just me? You’re not really going to let him go out with that guy, are you?”
“I’m going to try to talk to him.”
And he does, but it doesn’t go too well.
“He contacted me,” Cesc insists, discarding the third shirt he has tried on, and reaching for another one. “I might as well give him a chance. He looks nice.”
Marouane snorts at that.
“And he likes Shakira.”
Tomáš raises an eyebrow at that. “Shakira?”
“Yeah.” Cesc finally decides on a shirt and after he buttons it up, he turns to them. “You know, the singer. Hips don’t lie?” He starts to shake his hips, awkwardly.
“No, no, no.” Marouane puts his hands on Cesc’s waist to still him. “No. No.”
Tomáš bites his lip. “Cesc, I really don’t think this is a good idea. You don’t have anything in common with him.”
“I’m sure we’ll find something. The profiles don’t cover everything.”
“True, but the profiles are supposed to give you a starting point. Why did this guy even pick you if you have nothing in common?”
Cesc shrugs. “His message said I was cute.”
Tomáš frowns at him. “Do you really want to go out with someone who just contacted you because of how you look? It’s obvious that he didn’t even read your profile.”
Cesc rolls his eyes. “Tomáš, just relax. It’s dinner and if he’s awful like you think, you get to say I told you so in a few hours, okay?”
A car horn beeps from downstairs and Cesc perks up. “That’s him.”
Marouane looks appalled. “He’s not coming upstairs to pick you up at the door?”
Cesc rolls his eyes. “I’m not a girl, what is wrong with the two of you?”
“You’re not some package delivery. He should come upstairs.” Marouane looks out the window. “Which one is his car?”
“Oh god, I’m leaving now, before you yell for him or something.” Cesc turn to Tomáš. “Are you going to wish me luck?”
Tomáš sighs. “Of course, Cesc. Have fun.”
Cesc beams at him. “Thank you.”
Marouane makes a face at Tomáš after Cesc leaves. “I don’t like this guy. What’s his name? Gerard? What kind of person honks for someone?”
Tomáš shrugs. “Maybe we’re wrong. Come on, let’s go watch that stupid movie you picked out.”
~
Xabi’s profile had seemed nice enough: he liked to read, he preferred quiet evenings spent inside (“Look, David, a social pariah just like you,” Mata had said), and it wasn’t as if he had lied.
The only difference was that David doesn’t think the world is missing out a lot when he chooses to stay home; but Xabi, on the other hand, needs to be out in the world and not staying at home. Where David is awkward and shy, Xabi is sociable and easygoing.
“Are you okay?” Xabi asks.
David looks at him, surprised. “I am, why?” He mentally goes through the last few minutes in his mind trying to see if he had done or said anything that might suggest otherwise, but he can’t think of anything.
“You haven’t said anything for the last fifteen minutes.” Xabi smiles. “Am I boring you? I tend to ramble if no one stops me.”
David shakes his head. “No, it’s okay. I’m not used to having a date who actually knows who T.S. Eliot is, let alone someone who quotes The Wasteland.”
Xabi blinks. “I did not quote The Wasteland.”
David smirks. “From the Fire Sermon.”
Xabi grimaces. “My friend says he’s going to set my bookshelf on fire if I even mention Eliot’s name when he’s around. I sort of drove him crazy while I was reading Prufrock.”
“My roommates hid my copy of Paradise Lost after I tried to get them to read it,” David says, laughing.
Xabi leans in towards him. “My roommate thinks Harry Potter is good literature.”
David shrugs. “There’s nothing wrong with Harry Potter. Don’t be a snob.” He grins as he takes a sip of his water.
“Yeah, he called me a snob too,” Xabi says, smiling. “He said I should be happy he was reading at all.”
“He doesn’t normally?”
Xabi shakes his head. “He’s into computers and technology. He couldn’t tell you who Tom Sawyer is but he can take your laptop apart and put it back together in five minutes.”
“It must be helpful to have him around. My laptop keeps crashing, but that’s after my roommate, Mata, borrows it so I think it’s the stuff he does online. I don’t bother to ask, I’m sure I don’t really want to know.”
Xabi shrugs. “I suppose. It doesn’t help me much, because I don’t really use mine. I think he’s actually hoping I get a virus so that he can tinker around with it.”
David laughs. “He sounds interesting.”
Xabi smirks a little. “Yeah, I guess that’s one way of putting it.”
~
Cesc returns from his date exactly two hours after he leaves. He slams the door shut and worms his way in between Tomáš and Marouane on the couch, his face set in a deep frown.
Tomáš exchanges looks with Marouane, who pauses the movie and says he’s going to go make some tea.
“Did he just drop you off?” Tomáš asks, cautiously.
Cesc scowls. “No, I took a cab home. He was such a colossal tool.” He violently punches the cushion he had pulled onto his lap. “He ordered for me. Can you believe that? Our first date and he orders for me. He said I looked like I was in the mood for steak. Do you know what the worst part is? It wasn’t even real steak! It was a Portobello steak.” He punches the cushion again. “Fucking mushrooms. While we were looking at the menu, I said I hated mushrooms. So I went, ‘Uhhh, I said I hate mushrooms,’ and he said, ‘I know, this is steak.’ Argh!”
Tomáš cringes. “What did you do?”
“I ate my salad like some fucking diva who only eats salads on dates when she really just wants a cheeseburger,” Cesc growls. He pauses and a look of longing flashes across his face. “I would kill for a cheeseburger.” It’s gone in a second though and replaced by anger again. “And then, ugh.” He groans and buries his face in the pillow. “He told me he has a PhD.”
Marouane returns with the tea, and sets it down on the coffee table. “Well, that’s good, right?”
Tomáš, on the other hand, looks suspicious. “He has a PhD?” He thinks back to the profile. “He didn’t mention that on his profile, it seems like something you would mention.” He didn’t say what he was thinking, which was that Gerard Piqué seemed like the last person to have a PhD. “Didn’t he say he went to the School of Life? I wasn’t aware they gave you PhDs there.”
“That’s because it’s not the kind of PhD that we’re thinking of,” Cesc says, his words muffled by the cushion.
“What other PhD is there?” Marouane asks, looking confused.
Cesc looks up, his face red. “It stands for a ‘Pretty huge―’” The rest of it is drowned out as he faceplants back into the cushion.
“Okay, we are blocking him on that site,” Tomáš says, decisively.
Marouane pats Cesc on the back. “I’m sure your next date will be better,” he says, soothingly. “Come on, let’s get you a cheeseburger.
~
~
“You look happy,” Alexis says as he passes David the tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
David smiles. “I am. I had a good time tonight.” He grabs his laptop when he hears a notification come up.
Hi, David,
I had a good time today. If I didn’t bore you, I hope we can meet again. We can even talk about Harry Potter, if you like.
Sincerely,
Xabi
Alexis, who has leaned over his shoulder to read his e-mail, laughs. “I have never seen anyone write an e-mail that way, not even you. He’s kind of a square.”
David shoves him. “He’s not a square,” he says, crossly. “He’s really nice, and we have a lot in common.”
Alexis shrugs. “As long as you like him.”
David rereads the e-mail and smiles.
Hi, Xabi!
I had a great time tonight. You didn’t bore me at all. We should definitely do it again sometime soon. We don’t even have to talk about HP, we can stick to your precious Dostoevsky.
He pauses, wondering how to sign off on it. ‘Sincerely’ would just be mimicking Xabi, he didn’t want Xabi to think he was copying him. ‘Regards’ sounded cold and ‘affectionately’ was just weird. He quickly adds:
- David
Then he closes his laptop and snatches the ice cream back from Alexis.
~
Cesc logs on to block Gerard, or flag him, whatever the hell he has to do to cleanse him from his life. He’s infuriated to see that Gerard has sent him a message. He’s tempted to just delete it, but he clicks on the message on the off chance that it explains why Gerard had been a massive douche.
It doesn’t.
hola cescito !
moc ..moc ! ;)
Cesc stares at the message. What the fuck? He blinks at it, and quickly runs through their date trying to see if anything suggests that he should know what on earth that means. There isn’t anything.
This just pisses him off even more. And Cescito. Oh god. He can’t believe he went out with him. He knows he should just ignore the message, delete it, but he hits ‘Reply’ anyway.
DIAF.
Cesc clicks ‘Send’, and then quickly blocks him as fast as he can. He Adblocks Gerard’s profile picture for good measure too.
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