you did not see this posted to CFO
OH MY GOD IT IS FAR TOO EARLY TO BE AWAKE
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE in another poll apparently, WHAAAAAT?
Character: Mao
Series: Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice
Age: 1578 (~15 in demon years)
Canon: The issues of your average high school have nothing on the Nether Institute Evil Academy, a massive and constantly-expanding school for demons. At the Evil Academy, honor students are expected to skip classes, fight with teachers, and damage school property, while only the worst of delinquents are found doing such nefarious acts as donating blood or recycling. The opening song sums it up pretty well, and is basically the coolest thing since "Thriller".
Mao is the school's number one honor student, with an overconfidence that goes far beyond cocky. He's also an extremely enthusiastic (and easily excited) mad scientist. He might be unmatched in his evil deeds, but Mao's self-proclaimed genius often goes outside the Netherworld conventions of what demons should and should not do. In order to defeat his father, he will not hesitate to become a hero and harvest such taboo powers as love and justice... though he doesn't have the faintest clue what those words actually mean. He also has a thing for heroes, which he claims is strictly academic. He's spent literally millions of hours "studying" them via anime, manga, and video games. It's definitely not because he's a mouth-breathing otaku. Really.
Sample Post:
ATTENTION HOMOSEXUALS! REPORT TO THE MEN'S ROOM RIGHT AWAY FOR PARTIAL BRAIN DISSECTION!
And make it snappy! This is a direct order from Mao, the Netherworld's number one honor student. I transferred here to conduct unethical experimentation and invasive medical procedures on all of you... with a scholarship. Did you notice yourselves slide down the curve when I showed up? You'd better get used to that feeling, because there's no way any of you will be able to compete with my 1.8 million E.Q. Honestly, it'll save us all some time if you just give in now and show up for your lobotomy. You don't want to make me cut out the whining center of your brain, do you? Because even if it takes me a few tries, I will find it.
And so what if I decided to situate my evil laboratory in the bathroom? I pity your tiny minds, so completely unable to understand the genius of placing it there! Even besides being the most convenient spot in camp with hot, cold, and blood on tap, just think of the wonderful infections that'll set in! Bacteria, viruses, parasites... huff, huff... I'll cultivate your body into a magnificent pandemic right behind the toilet, just like prison wine! ...oh, fine, I'll stick what's left of your brain in a robot or something. With laser eyes. I defy you to find a man, woman, or child alive that wouldn't be ecstatic to shoot lasers from the eyes!
Though soon, I'll have an even greater power than that. You see, recently I've been studying "love" and "crushes", which - as far as my research indicates - are forms of mind-control by which one person enslaves another and harvests their energy. Of course, "love" is also used by heroes in conjunction with "justice", which is the ability to excuse one's every action by loudly pointing out every sin your enemy has committed since he was in kindergarten, but I digress. A "crush" gives its bearer strength, and is generally manifested via a link between separately-gendered individuals. For example, my "crush" power operates at maximum efficiency when my succubus teacher gyrates... her... hips... huffhuffhuff...
H-however! As a demon, there's no way I'd be satisfied to achieve stat bonuses from only half of my minions! So I asked my human slave if there were any way to expand these powers, and he informed me of a concept known as "the gay", a process rumored to be vaguely similar to love. In order to better research this phenomenon, I asked the student council to open up a gateway to the "gayest" dimension available, and here I am. My brilliance is truly enviable, is it not?
So come in, lay back, and think of... whatever it is that humans think of. Earth? Heroes? Anime? It's anime, isn't it? Just relax... this won't hurt more than your pain receptors can handle.
Poll So?
Character: Umi Rengaya
Series: Excel Saga (manga)
Character Age: 19
Canon: Excel Saga is like a sentai manga if that manga were written from the bad guy's point of view. Sometimes. Add crazier characters and an insanely convoluted plot. Blend for 2 minutes. Serve over ice.
Every scientist needs an assistant. In Excel Saga, the scientist is Professor Shiouji, scientific genius and son of the creator of the most sophisticated androids in the world. His assistant is Umi. He didn't choose her. No, if he had his choice, he'd not have an assistant at all. But his mother decided long ago to pair him up with a woman with the biggest rack she can find (next to her own, of course) and Umi fits the bill.
She's dumb. No, really. She tries very hard to make Shiouji happy, from cooking to cleaning to watching over his machines so that he can go sit at the playground. Of course, she fails miserably a vast majority of the time. From forgetting what a distress signal looks like to using the wrong (often poisonous) ingredients in cooking to stumbling over her own two feet in her maid's costume (her idea, not Professor Shiouji's) she continually makes a mess of his work. But she's utterly devoted to him, in her own mindless sort of way, which might be why he keeps her around.
Or maybe his mother threatened him with a fate worse than death. Either way, she's glued to his side for as long as he tolerates her, which might be a very very long time.
Professor! Oh Professor! Oh man, he's not at the park! But I really need to find him because I made cookies! I have lemon bars! And I made sugar cookies too! I made enough for everyone! Mr. Zombie! Have you seen the professor? No? Brains? No, I don't have any brains, but I have cookies! Would you like a cookie? The lemon bars are really nice, I think. I haven't tried any yet, though. But I followed the recipe exactly! And you never ever seem to notice me anyway. So we can be friends, then, because cookies make friends!
Um. Um, Mr. Zombie. Was there something wrong with the lemon bars? I mean, I know I followed the recipe. The refrigerator didn't have any lemon juice, but I found some anyway! I guess somebody forgot to put it away, but it was tall, and full of lemony goodness. The bottle even said lemon fresh anti-bact-I don't know. But that sounds good, right? ...I'm not sure you look very good. But you are a zombie, I guess.
Oh, did you want to try a sugar cookie, instead? They're really really good! I think. I couldn't use sugar, because sugar's not allowed in camp, of course. But don't worry! I found something else, instead! It's an artificial sugar--you know, fake sugar-- I found, called Cascade! It even has a special pouring spout on it. Isn't that neat? ...Does frothing at the mouth mean you like it? Or is that something bad? You smell really clean! That's... really strange.
I think you might be sick. But don't worry! I've brought my nurse's outfit with me! I can fix you up! Just a second, let me change. Kyaaa!! Don't look! I need my privacy! Hey, does anyone know how to put on the heartbeat thingie? You know, the stega-- stegasaur-- the scope thing? With the heartbeat stuff? I've gotta listen to your heart, cuz that's what nurses do! Oh, maybe this is how you do it. Okay! First patient!
I can't hear a heartbeat. ...Hearts are in chests, right? I think you're missing a chest. Maybe. Oh no! If you have no heartbeat, you must be dying! I don't know how to fix dying! I didn't bring an undertaker's costume with me! I'll have to remember that for next time. But what if there's not a next time? I think dying is permanent, right? I think? Oh no, what is the professor going to say? He's going to be so mad at me! Because he told me...
Oh.
Oh yeah. The professor told me not to use the cooking ingredients from under the sink. Oops.
Poll So?
Character Name: Stiaan
Series: Kastor Chronicles
Character Age: About four thousand, give or take; looks and acts like a late teenager.
Canon: When a villain arises and a party of heroes defeats him, that's generally where the story ends. Kastor Auberlane, who lost his lover Mikah to redeem the latter's wicked brother Stiaan, was not so fortunate. Neither, as it turned out, was Stiaan, who found himself confronted with a philosophical dilemma: when one wishes to atone for a century of villainy, how exactly does one go about it? Driven by his quest to make up for his deeds, Stiaan soon encounters Kastor once again, and the two find that the gods have plans for them -- much to their mutual dismay.
Stiaan and Mikah are both Mara, so-called neutral angels known best known as eternal teenagers. Stiaan himself is a bookish, socially awkward young man -- ignore the part where he's four thousand years old and wields power to rival almost any mortal sorcerer -- whose fine manners and elegant bearing disguise an abiding guilt over his actions and a desire to make things up to those he harmed most. He's not used to being good, but he tries, and excepting a few little mistakes (like nearly starting a war by kidnapping a lonely child so that the boy could see his father) mostly succeeds.
Sample Post:
Ouch!
How in the world did I miss my teleport that time? I was sure I calculated everything correctly, but I obviously made a mathematical error somewhere -- either that, or this swamp is fifty feet lower than where it should be. At least Kastor isn't here to see yet. That's strange; I should have appeared fairly close to him. This is the right place, isn't it? It must be; my divination was very specific about the smell.
At least there was something soft to break my fall--oh, dear. Soft, purple, furry, and concussed, apparently. And sentient, if the hand signs it's making are any indication....I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, but I really must be going. I'm looking for a man, you see, and I haven't any time to waste...no, a human, and I'm sure you simply won't do as a substitute, no offense intended. No, I haven't been in your dreams at all -- that's the rudest of intrusions -- and no, I'm only an angel in the loosest and most colloquial of senses so I can't possibly have fallen from heaven, and no, you may not remove my pants. There's no need to be impolite. Is your entire species so promiscuous? We've just met.
Honestly, now, you've made a poor enough first impression without reminding me of old relationships. Where did you even learn to use rope that way? Though you've got completely the wrong sort of rope, it should be much softer...well, never mind. I really don't do that sort of thing these days, so put it away at once. If this is the sort of welcome you give everyone who teleports in, I'm surprised you're still alive. As difficult as it may be to accept, some people -- myself included -- don't take kindly to being propositioned immediately.
...oh, please don't cry. Er. There, there? I'm sure you'll find a mate eventually -- you might try looking for one that's the same species as you, just a hint -- and really, it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I'm a Mara seeking atonement, you're a sentient purple gorilla with a taste for rope bondage...does that really seem like a recipe for a long-term relationship to you? Wait, what are you--
--now that was really a bad idea, I'm afraid. Look, I'm sorry I blasted you through all those trees, but I think it's a natural reaction to what you just did. I already said no, didn't I? I'm really new at this goodness thing, so try to cut me a little slack!
And quickly, please. Hanging from this branch is a bit uncomfortable, and I can't reach the knots you tied from here.
Poll So?
Character: Sheena Fujibayashi
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Character Age: 19
Canon: In the realm of Tales of Symphonia there are, in fact, two worlds; as such, they suffer from a double-whammy of woes, ranging from drought and famine to manipulation of the masses to attempted genocide. Hope comes, naturally, from the only place it possibly could: a precocious bunch of teenagers and the old people tagging along with them. Among these ambitious teens is Sheena Fujibayashi, the obligatory sexy ninja and Enemy with a Heart of Gold, who joins the group after a long and hilarious quest to kill them. Tough-minded, dedicated, and loyal to the bitter end, she makes an ideal ninja - just not much of an assassin.
That is to say, as much as Sheena tries to create an image of cool aloofness befitting a ninja, it isn't difficult to get to the real her underneath - the part of her that is emotional, stubborn, and just a mite oversensitive. She is easily flustered and prone to flying off the handle; often times an embarrassed and/or upset Sheena is loud, and even more often, violent. Not to say that she isn't a gentle, kind-hearted soul underneath it all, because she is - she just doesn't have any qualms about giving you a bruise or five if you deserve it.
Note: Seal cards are paper cards imbued with magic, and Sheena's primary weapon of choice.
Sample Post:
Vantage point, check. Seal cards, check. Backup knives... uh, check. Not that I'll need them, but it's good to be prepared, even if it's not much of a target. I mean, I don't really have much to go on - stick figures on a wanted poster? Come on! At least have some creativity! - but missing an arm is missing an arm, no matter how terrible the art is. I don't know who this Director thinks she is if she can't even keep a bunch of zombies under control, but if this guy really is as much of a threat to the public well-being as she says he is, I'm going to do something about it! No one has any right to terrorize people like that! And besides, it's just a zombie. Piece of cake.
-- wait just a second. I can hear you back there! Show your face, or I'll--... w-woah, hey! What the hell are you two doing in here?! Just.... I'm sorry if I barged in on your "rendezvous" or something, but could you just stop l-licking her for five seconds? I'm trying to do something here! Besides, if her face is as rotted as your tongue is - ugh, I don't even want to think about it. If you're trying to hide, I shouldn't be able to just walk in and sit down without either of you noticing! One of you needs to keep an eye open just in case. ... Well, not literally, I guess, since it would be weird if you were doing that with your eyes open and if you were staring at each other you wouldn't be able to see anyone coming anyway and--.... L-Look, I don't care who was here first, just get out already! I'm in the middle of something important!
Oh geez. Are you crying? Okay, hold on, don't go after your, uh... your boyfriend just yet. I wasn't yelling on purpose, I was just... surprised. And if you're boyfriend's upset at you for all of this, don't listen! You don't have to break your back just because he's a pervert! Sneaking around like this, getting all stressed out over nothing - you don't need to be treated like that. So stand up tall, dry your tears and go show him who's really in charge!
Right. Great. But before you do all that, could you look at this and tell me if you've seen this guy before? His name's, uh... Uwaargh. I think. I need to find him as soon as possible and--...
... what do you mean he just left?!
Poll So?
Character: Marona
Series: Phantom Brave
Character Age: 13
Canon: The world of Ivoire is a very strange one. The only ‘land’ to speak of is a small set of islands where owls and rabbits live alongside humans, buff manly-men squee like little girls and start fanclubs, and everything from swords to a giant tuna to your own party members can be used as a deadly weapon. In this world there are people called Chroma, and they are the generic hired help that do basic jobs. They do all sorts of jobs, ranging from clearing out dangerous monsters to delivering packages. Also, every Chroma has a special ability of some sort, which they use to help them with their work. So, if there’s a job you want done, the Chroma who will do it for you.
Marona is a young Chroma who lives on her own little island. Even though she’s only 13, she works as hard as an adult. This is because Marona is an orphan, and despite her age she still needs to pay the bills. Marona is a very unique Chroma, though: she can see the spirits of the dead, and she can call on them to help her when she needs them. Not everybody has appreciated this talent, as it has caused people to call her ‘the possessed girl,’ and treat her with disdain. Despite everything that’s happened in her life, Marona is a very happy and kind person. She’s always looking out for others and making many sacrifices for the greater good. However, even though she is kind, Marona can be a little dense, which often makes things more difficult for her.
Sample Post:
Aaah, it’s nice to see that people and animals get along really well here. Normally people just kick out the animals when they make new homes, but here it looks like they built the homes around nature itself. I bet everyone here gets along just fine, and that there’s no need for fighting at all!
Did somebody just laugh? But I don’t see anyone…oh well, it must’ve been my imagination.
Ooh, look at that! Humans and animals are sharing a barbeque. Well, it LOOKS like a barbeque. I don’t see any fire, but there’s meat and it smells like a barbeque. But I wonder why they’re just yelling random words like that. BBQ I understand, but roffle? Oooh, I bet they mean waffle! But they would need the right kind of pans to cook waffles, and I don’t see any waffles here anyways. And I don’t even know what an ohemgee is…Maybe it’s a food native to this land? I guess I could ask. Hey guys, what’s an ‘ohemgee’? Is it tasty? … W-wait, my name’s Marona, not Newb. I just-
Huh? Why thank you, I’d love some of this ohemgee, er, meat? Yeah, that’s what it looks like. But it smells horrible… I mean, I’m sure it’ll taste good, but I don’t think it’s cooked. I know some people can eat raw meat, but I can’t really do that. I think it should go on the fire first, and- awww, what a cute duck you have! Hi there! It’s nice of you to introduce us, but I still need to cook this…
WOAH!
W-wow, I didn’t know that ducks could breathe fire! I thought only dragons could. Does that mean that you’re as dangerous as one? Oooh, but you’re so cute! There’s no way you could be as mean and dangerous as a dragon. Thank you so much, Mr. Duck. You’re a really good friend- Um, sir? Sir, the duck accidentally caught your shirt on fire, and I think your arm is son fire. Sir please put out your arm!
There we go. You’re a little crispy, but it looks like that’s the worst of your problems. How long have you had these wounds on your arm? You know, covering them up with clothes isn’t going to help them heal. You need medicine or healing to get better. Here, my Chroma ability is to heal, so I can- Hey, why are all of your friends running away all of a sudden? Is it because of the smell? Oh well, I can fix that real quick. Cha- heeey, you need to hold still! Just wait a moment before you go chasing after your friends, alright? Chartreuse Gale!
S-sir?! What happened?! Sir! …D-did I just blow him up?
Poll So?
Character: Chiaki Hayasaka
Series: Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne [wikipedia]
Character age: ~17
Canon: It's another bad day for Tokyo at the start of Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne, as a pagan cult invokes the power of the Conception and destroys the world. Then the game starts! The main character and his high school friends have been spared from annihilation by an act of diabolus ex machina, and now their task is to make their way across the barren wasteland of the Vortex World, amassing enough power -- called magatsuhi -- to get the attention of this world's god, whereupon they can present a Reason to determine how their world will be re-made. In most role playing games, they would do this as a party, but in Nocturne there can be only one, so the player's character has to choose which of his surviving associates has the most appealing philosophy on life.
Before the world ended, Chiaki Hayasaka was one of the main character's classmates, a popular rich girl who expected that her charm would win her any conveniences that her money couldn't buy. The destruction of Tokyo leaves her shell-shocked at first, but she rallies and goes on to do what any motivated, forward-thinking high school girl would do: she makes a pact with the leader of an overthrown demon faction to inherit his power, raises an army of angels, and rapes and plunders her way across the landscape in a quest for supremacy. Chiaki champions a Reason that holds that only the strong deserve to survive, and she believes that strength makes her beautiful. In her world, nobody ever shows mercy -- but damn, they look good trampling the weak underfoot.
Note: Throne, Dominion, and Virtue are choirs of angels that follow Chiaki's Reason in the game; "mud doll" is the slur her faction uses for the manikins, a humanoid race marked by frequent twitches and shudders.
Sample Post:
Where is this place? The Conception certainly changed Tokyo, but in most areas there was at least something left I recognized. But this swamp...I don't know where this is at all. Perhaps I should have brought a few light balls, instead of trying to find my way through that subway tunnel in the dark.
No, it doesn't matter! There's movement by those buildings on top of the hill, and where demons have gathered, there should be magatsuhi for me to claim. It looks like they even have a pool, so it probably used to be a nice place. My army will storm this encampment, and with the power we seize here I will summon my god to build a glorious new world! A world for the chosen, a world of beauty, a world fit for the strong, a world without festering, humid swamps or -- or bushes covered in extremely tasteless pairs of edible panties! Throne! Dominion! Advance your forces to take control of that settlement!
...
Throne? Dominion? ...Virtue? ...Anybody?
I see. Wherever this place is, I've arrived here without my army. Who would have thought they were so weak after all, to fail to follow me like this? Well, I won't be defeated! If my subordinates have failed, then I'll replace them. There must be demons in this swamp that would listen to Reason. ...Though perhaps not these ones. I'm not leading any horror-movie rejects to glory. Shambling around, moaning for brains -- they don't even tremble in fear like proper mud dolls. They'll get no sympathy from me. My world has no place for such ugly things!
Oh, now you, on the other hand. You look promising! That's a very regal shade of purple, and you look like you have a good set of muscles under your fur. No, don't get any ideas. Keep your paws to yourself, or I'll break your fingers. Don't get angry -- I only want you to prove that you're worthy. Show me how powerful you are, before you go looking for rewards. You can start by killing that zombie. Go ahead. Don't hold back. It's not good for anything, after all. ...Yes, that kind of brutality is just what I need. Are there others like you around here? Good. Help me gather them, and we'll have a force to be reckoned with. We'll seize the power hoarded in this camp, and re-make it as a place with savage elegance, a world of random acts of violence and senseless beauty!
Onward!
Poll So?
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE in another poll apparently, WHAAAAAT?
Character: Mao
Series: Disgaea 3: Absence of Justice
Age: 1578 (~15 in demon years)
Canon: The issues of your average high school have nothing on the Nether Institute Evil Academy, a massive and constantly-expanding school for demons. At the Evil Academy, honor students are expected to skip classes, fight with teachers, and damage school property, while only the worst of delinquents are found doing such nefarious acts as donating blood or recycling. The opening song sums it up pretty well, and is basically the coolest thing since "Thriller".
Mao is the school's number one honor student, with an overconfidence that goes far beyond cocky. He's also an extremely enthusiastic (and easily excited) mad scientist. He might be unmatched in his evil deeds, but Mao's self-proclaimed genius often goes outside the Netherworld conventions of what demons should and should not do. In order to defeat his father, he will not hesitate to become a hero and harvest such taboo powers as love and justice... though he doesn't have the faintest clue what those words actually mean. He also has a thing for heroes, which he claims is strictly academic. He's spent literally millions of hours "studying" them via anime, manga, and video games. It's definitely not because he's a mouth-breathing otaku. Really.
Sample Post:
ATTENTION HOMOSEXUALS! REPORT TO THE MEN'S ROOM RIGHT AWAY FOR PARTIAL BRAIN DISSECTION!
And make it snappy! This is a direct order from Mao, the Netherworld's number one honor student. I transferred here to conduct unethical experimentation and invasive medical procedures on all of you... with a scholarship. Did you notice yourselves slide down the curve when I showed up? You'd better get used to that feeling, because there's no way any of you will be able to compete with my 1.8 million E.Q. Honestly, it'll save us all some time if you just give in now and show up for your lobotomy. You don't want to make me cut out the whining center of your brain, do you? Because even if it takes me a few tries, I will find it.
And so what if I decided to situate my evil laboratory in the bathroom? I pity your tiny minds, so completely unable to understand the genius of placing it there! Even besides being the most convenient spot in camp with hot, cold, and blood on tap, just think of the wonderful infections that'll set in! Bacteria, viruses, parasites... huff, huff... I'll cultivate your body into a magnificent pandemic right behind the toilet, just like prison wine! ...oh, fine, I'll stick what's left of your brain in a robot or something. With laser eyes. I defy you to find a man, woman, or child alive that wouldn't be ecstatic to shoot lasers from the eyes!
Though soon, I'll have an even greater power than that. You see, recently I've been studying "love" and "crushes", which - as far as my research indicates - are forms of mind-control by which one person enslaves another and harvests their energy. Of course, "love" is also used by heroes in conjunction with "justice", which is the ability to excuse one's every action by loudly pointing out every sin your enemy has committed since he was in kindergarten, but I digress. A "crush" gives its bearer strength, and is generally manifested via a link between separately-gendered individuals. For example, my "crush" power operates at maximum efficiency when my succubus teacher gyrates... her... hips... huffhuffhuff...
H-however! As a demon, there's no way I'd be satisfied to achieve stat bonuses from only half of my minions! So I asked my human slave if there were any way to expand these powers, and he informed me of a concept known as "the gay", a process rumored to be vaguely similar to love. In order to better research this phenomenon, I asked the student council to open up a gateway to the "gayest" dimension available, and here I am. My brilliance is truly enviable, is it not?
So come in, lay back, and think of... whatever it is that humans think of. Earth? Heroes? Anime? It's anime, isn't it? Just relax... this won't hurt more than your pain receptors can handle.
Poll So?
Character: Umi Rengaya
Series: Excel Saga (manga)
Character Age: 19
Canon: Excel Saga is like a sentai manga if that manga were written from the bad guy's point of view. Sometimes. Add crazier characters and an insanely convoluted plot. Blend for 2 minutes. Serve over ice.
Every scientist needs an assistant. In Excel Saga, the scientist is Professor Shiouji, scientific genius and son of the creator of the most sophisticated androids in the world. His assistant is Umi. He didn't choose her. No, if he had his choice, he'd not have an assistant at all. But his mother decided long ago to pair him up with a woman with the biggest rack she can find (next to her own, of course) and Umi fits the bill.
She's dumb. No, really. She tries very hard to make Shiouji happy, from cooking to cleaning to watching over his machines so that he can go sit at the playground. Of course, she fails miserably a vast majority of the time. From forgetting what a distress signal looks like to using the wrong (often poisonous) ingredients in cooking to stumbling over her own two feet in her maid's costume (her idea, not Professor Shiouji's) she continually makes a mess of his work. But she's utterly devoted to him, in her own mindless sort of way, which might be why he keeps her around.
Or maybe his mother threatened him with a fate worse than death. Either way, she's glued to his side for as long as he tolerates her, which might be a very very long time.
Professor! Oh Professor! Oh man, he's not at the park! But I really need to find him because I made cookies! I have lemon bars! And I made sugar cookies too! I made enough for everyone! Mr. Zombie! Have you seen the professor? No? Brains? No, I don't have any brains, but I have cookies! Would you like a cookie? The lemon bars are really nice, I think. I haven't tried any yet, though. But I followed the recipe exactly! And you never ever seem to notice me anyway. So we can be friends, then, because cookies make friends!
Um. Um, Mr. Zombie. Was there something wrong with the lemon bars? I mean, I know I followed the recipe. The refrigerator didn't have any lemon juice, but I found some anyway! I guess somebody forgot to put it away, but it was tall, and full of lemony goodness. The bottle even said lemon fresh anti-bact-I don't know. But that sounds good, right? ...I'm not sure you look very good. But you are a zombie, I guess.
Oh, did you want to try a sugar cookie, instead? They're really really good! I think. I couldn't use sugar, because sugar's not allowed in camp, of course. But don't worry! I found something else, instead! It's an artificial sugar--you know, fake sugar-- I found, called Cascade! It even has a special pouring spout on it. Isn't that neat? ...Does frothing at the mouth mean you like it? Or is that something bad? You smell really clean! That's... really strange.
I think you might be sick. But don't worry! I've brought my nurse's outfit with me! I can fix you up! Just a second, let me change. Kyaaa!! Don't look! I need my privacy! Hey, does anyone know how to put on the heartbeat thingie? You know, the stega-- stegasaur-- the scope thing? With the heartbeat stuff? I've gotta listen to your heart, cuz that's what nurses do! Oh, maybe this is how you do it. Okay! First patient!
I can't hear a heartbeat. ...Hearts are in chests, right? I think you're missing a chest. Maybe. Oh no! If you have no heartbeat, you must be dying! I don't know how to fix dying! I didn't bring an undertaker's costume with me! I'll have to remember that for next time. But what if there's not a next time? I think dying is permanent, right? I think? Oh no, what is the professor going to say? He's going to be so mad at me! Because he told me...
Oh.
Oh yeah. The professor told me not to use the cooking ingredients from under the sink. Oops.
Poll So?
Character Name: Stiaan
Series: Kastor Chronicles
Character Age: About four thousand, give or take; looks and acts like a late teenager.
Canon: When a villain arises and a party of heroes defeats him, that's generally where the story ends. Kastor Auberlane, who lost his lover Mikah to redeem the latter's wicked brother Stiaan, was not so fortunate. Neither, as it turned out, was Stiaan, who found himself confronted with a philosophical dilemma: when one wishes to atone for a century of villainy, how exactly does one go about it? Driven by his quest to make up for his deeds, Stiaan soon encounters Kastor once again, and the two find that the gods have plans for them -- much to their mutual dismay.
Stiaan and Mikah are both Mara, so-called neutral angels known best known as eternal teenagers. Stiaan himself is a bookish, socially awkward young man -- ignore the part where he's four thousand years old and wields power to rival almost any mortal sorcerer -- whose fine manners and elegant bearing disguise an abiding guilt over his actions and a desire to make things up to those he harmed most. He's not used to being good, but he tries, and excepting a few little mistakes (like nearly starting a war by kidnapping a lonely child so that the boy could see his father) mostly succeeds.
Sample Post:
Ouch!
How in the world did I miss my teleport that time? I was sure I calculated everything correctly, but I obviously made a mathematical error somewhere -- either that, or this swamp is fifty feet lower than where it should be. At least Kastor isn't here to see yet. That's strange; I should have appeared fairly close to him. This is the right place, isn't it? It must be; my divination was very specific about the smell.
At least there was something soft to break my fall--oh, dear. Soft, purple, furry, and concussed, apparently. And sentient, if the hand signs it's making are any indication....I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, but I really must be going. I'm looking for a man, you see, and I haven't any time to waste...no, a human, and I'm sure you simply won't do as a substitute, no offense intended. No, I haven't been in your dreams at all -- that's the rudest of intrusions -- and no, I'm only an angel in the loosest and most colloquial of senses so I can't possibly have fallen from heaven, and no, you may not remove my pants. There's no need to be impolite. Is your entire species so promiscuous? We've just met.
Honestly, now, you've made a poor enough first impression without reminding me of old relationships. Where did you even learn to use rope that way? Though you've got completely the wrong sort of rope, it should be much softer...well, never mind. I really don't do that sort of thing these days, so put it away at once. If this is the sort of welcome you give everyone who teleports in, I'm surprised you're still alive. As difficult as it may be to accept, some people -- myself included -- don't take kindly to being propositioned immediately.
...oh, please don't cry. Er. There, there? I'm sure you'll find a mate eventually -- you might try looking for one that's the same species as you, just a hint -- and really, it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I'm a Mara seeking atonement, you're a sentient purple gorilla with a taste for rope bondage...does that really seem like a recipe for a long-term relationship to you? Wait, what are you--
--now that was really a bad idea, I'm afraid. Look, I'm sorry I blasted you through all those trees, but I think it's a natural reaction to what you just did. I already said no, didn't I? I'm really new at this goodness thing, so try to cut me a little slack!
And quickly, please. Hanging from this branch is a bit uncomfortable, and I can't reach the knots you tied from here.
Poll So?
Character: Sheena Fujibayashi
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Character Age: 19
Canon: In the realm of Tales of Symphonia there are, in fact, two worlds; as such, they suffer from a double-whammy of woes, ranging from drought and famine to manipulation of the masses to attempted genocide. Hope comes, naturally, from the only place it possibly could: a precocious bunch of teenagers and the old people tagging along with them. Among these ambitious teens is Sheena Fujibayashi, the obligatory sexy ninja and Enemy with a Heart of Gold, who joins the group after a long and hilarious quest to kill them. Tough-minded, dedicated, and loyal to the bitter end, she makes an ideal ninja - just not much of an assassin.
That is to say, as much as Sheena tries to create an image of cool aloofness befitting a ninja, it isn't difficult to get to the real her underneath - the part of her that is emotional, stubborn, and just a mite oversensitive. She is easily flustered and prone to flying off the handle; often times an embarrassed and/or upset Sheena is loud, and even more often, violent. Not to say that she isn't a gentle, kind-hearted soul underneath it all, because she is - she just doesn't have any qualms about giving you a bruise or five if you deserve it.
Note: Seal cards are paper cards imbued with magic, and Sheena's primary weapon of choice.
Sample Post:
Vantage point, check. Seal cards, check. Backup knives... uh, check. Not that I'll need them, but it's good to be prepared, even if it's not much of a target. I mean, I don't really have much to go on - stick figures on a wanted poster? Come on! At least have some creativity! - but missing an arm is missing an arm, no matter how terrible the art is. I don't know who this Director thinks she is if she can't even keep a bunch of zombies under control, but if this guy really is as much of a threat to the public well-being as she says he is, I'm going to do something about it! No one has any right to terrorize people like that! And besides, it's just a zombie. Piece of cake.
-- wait just a second. I can hear you back there! Show your face, or I'll--... w-woah, hey! What the hell are you two doing in here?! Just.... I'm sorry if I barged in on your "rendezvous" or something, but could you just stop l-licking her for five seconds? I'm trying to do something here! Besides, if her face is as rotted as your tongue is - ugh, I don't even want to think about it. If you're trying to hide, I shouldn't be able to just walk in and sit down without either of you noticing! One of you needs to keep an eye open just in case. ... Well, not literally, I guess, since it would be weird if you were doing that with your eyes open and if you were staring at each other you wouldn't be able to see anyone coming anyway and--.... L-Look, I don't care who was here first, just get out already! I'm in the middle of something important!
Oh geez. Are you crying? Okay, hold on, don't go after your, uh... your boyfriend just yet. I wasn't yelling on purpose, I was just... surprised. And if you're boyfriend's upset at you for all of this, don't listen! You don't have to break your back just because he's a pervert! Sneaking around like this, getting all stressed out over nothing - you don't need to be treated like that. So stand up tall, dry your tears and go show him who's really in charge!
Right. Great. But before you do all that, could you look at this and tell me if you've seen this guy before? His name's, uh... Uwaargh. I think. I need to find him as soon as possible and--...
... what do you mean he just left?!
Poll So?
Character: Marona
Series: Phantom Brave
Character Age: 13
Canon: The world of Ivoire is a very strange one. The only ‘land’ to speak of is a small set of islands where owls and rabbits live alongside humans, buff manly-men squee like little girls and start fanclubs, and everything from swords to a giant tuna to your own party members can be used as a deadly weapon. In this world there are people called Chroma, and they are the generic hired help that do basic jobs. They do all sorts of jobs, ranging from clearing out dangerous monsters to delivering packages. Also, every Chroma has a special ability of some sort, which they use to help them with their work. So, if there’s a job you want done, the Chroma who will do it for you.
Marona is a young Chroma who lives on her own little island. Even though she’s only 13, she works as hard as an adult. This is because Marona is an orphan, and despite her age she still needs to pay the bills. Marona is a very unique Chroma, though: she can see the spirits of the dead, and she can call on them to help her when she needs them. Not everybody has appreciated this talent, as it has caused people to call her ‘the possessed girl,’ and treat her with disdain. Despite everything that’s happened in her life, Marona is a very happy and kind person. She’s always looking out for others and making many sacrifices for the greater good. However, even though she is kind, Marona can be a little dense, which often makes things more difficult for her.
Sample Post:
Aaah, it’s nice to see that people and animals get along really well here. Normally people just kick out the animals when they make new homes, but here it looks like they built the homes around nature itself. I bet everyone here gets along just fine, and that there’s no need for fighting at all!
Did somebody just laugh? But I don’t see anyone…oh well, it must’ve been my imagination.
Ooh, look at that! Humans and animals are sharing a barbeque. Well, it LOOKS like a barbeque. I don’t see any fire, but there’s meat and it smells like a barbeque. But I wonder why they’re just yelling random words like that. BBQ I understand, but roffle? Oooh, I bet they mean waffle! But they would need the right kind of pans to cook waffles, and I don’t see any waffles here anyways. And I don’t even know what an ohemgee is…Maybe it’s a food native to this land? I guess I could ask. Hey guys, what’s an ‘ohemgee’? Is it tasty? … W-wait, my name’s Marona, not Newb. I just-
Huh? Why thank you, I’d love some of this ohemgee, er, meat? Yeah, that’s what it looks like. But it smells horrible… I mean, I’m sure it’ll taste good, but I don’t think it’s cooked. I know some people can eat raw meat, but I can’t really do that. I think it should go on the fire first, and- awww, what a cute duck you have! Hi there! It’s nice of you to introduce us, but I still need to cook this…
WOAH!
W-wow, I didn’t know that ducks could breathe fire! I thought only dragons could. Does that mean that you’re as dangerous as one? Oooh, but you’re so cute! There’s no way you could be as mean and dangerous as a dragon. Thank you so much, Mr. Duck. You’re a really good friend- Um, sir? Sir, the duck accidentally caught your shirt on fire, and I think your arm is son fire. Sir please put out your arm!
There we go. You’re a little crispy, but it looks like that’s the worst of your problems. How long have you had these wounds on your arm? You know, covering them up with clothes isn’t going to help them heal. You need medicine or healing to get better. Here, my Chroma ability is to heal, so I can- Hey, why are all of your friends running away all of a sudden? Is it because of the smell? Oh well, I can fix that real quick. Cha- heeey, you need to hold still! Just wait a moment before you go chasing after your friends, alright? Chartreuse Gale!
S-sir?! What happened?! Sir! …D-did I just blow him up?
Poll So?
Character: Chiaki Hayasaka
Series: Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne [wikipedia]
Character age: ~17
Canon: It's another bad day for Tokyo at the start of Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne, as a pagan cult invokes the power of the Conception and destroys the world. Then the game starts! The main character and his high school friends have been spared from annihilation by an act of diabolus ex machina, and now their task is to make their way across the barren wasteland of the Vortex World, amassing enough power -- called magatsuhi -- to get the attention of this world's god, whereupon they can present a Reason to determine how their world will be re-made. In most role playing games, they would do this as a party, but in Nocturne there can be only one, so the player's character has to choose which of his surviving associates has the most appealing philosophy on life.
Before the world ended, Chiaki Hayasaka was one of the main character's classmates, a popular rich girl who expected that her charm would win her any conveniences that her money couldn't buy. The destruction of Tokyo leaves her shell-shocked at first, but she rallies and goes on to do what any motivated, forward-thinking high school girl would do: she makes a pact with the leader of an overthrown demon faction to inherit his power, raises an army of angels, and rapes and plunders her way across the landscape in a quest for supremacy. Chiaki champions a Reason that holds that only the strong deserve to survive, and she believes that strength makes her beautiful. In her world, nobody ever shows mercy -- but damn, they look good trampling the weak underfoot.
Note: Throne, Dominion, and Virtue are choirs of angels that follow Chiaki's Reason in the game; "mud doll" is the slur her faction uses for the manikins, a humanoid race marked by frequent twitches and shudders.
Sample Post:
Where is this place? The Conception certainly changed Tokyo, but in most areas there was at least something left I recognized. But this swamp...I don't know where this is at all. Perhaps I should have brought a few light balls, instead of trying to find my way through that subway tunnel in the dark.
No, it doesn't matter! There's movement by those buildings on top of the hill, and where demons have gathered, there should be magatsuhi for me to claim. It looks like they even have a pool, so it probably used to be a nice place. My army will storm this encampment, and with the power we seize here I will summon my god to build a glorious new world! A world for the chosen, a world of beauty, a world fit for the strong, a world without festering, humid swamps or -- or bushes covered in extremely tasteless pairs of edible panties! Throne! Dominion! Advance your forces to take control of that settlement!
...
Throne? Dominion? ...Virtue? ...Anybody?
I see. Wherever this place is, I've arrived here without my army. Who would have thought they were so weak after all, to fail to follow me like this? Well, I won't be defeated! If my subordinates have failed, then I'll replace them. There must be demons in this swamp that would listen to Reason. ...Though perhaps not these ones. I'm not leading any horror-movie rejects to glory. Shambling around, moaning for brains -- they don't even tremble in fear like proper mud dolls. They'll get no sympathy from me. My world has no place for such ugly things!
Oh, now you, on the other hand. You look promising! That's a very regal shade of purple, and you look like you have a good set of muscles under your fur. No, don't get any ideas. Keep your paws to yourself, or I'll break your fingers. Don't get angry -- I only want you to prove that you're worthy. Show me how powerful you are, before you go looking for rewards. You can start by killing that zombie. Go ahead. Don't hold back. It's not good for anything, after all. ...Yes, that kind of brutality is just what I need. Are there others like you around here? Good. Help me gather them, and we'll have a force to be reckoned with. We'll seize the power hoarded in this camp, and re-make it as a place with savage elegance, a world of random acts of violence and senseless beauty!
Onward!
Poll So?