(no subject)
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Now VOTE. CLOSED and you kids get a brief break from apps. ♥
Character: Arsène Lupin III
Series: Lupin III
Character Age: Unknown. Guesses usually range between 25-35.
Job: Mary Sue/Gary Stu Detoxification Specialist
Canon: The latest in a line of gentleman thieves, Lupin III is known the world over for being able to steal the impossible and escape any prison that tries to hold him. Unlike many of his ilk he steals not for the monetary gain but for the challenge, and is often confident enough in his prowess to announce his pilfering plans in advance to his victims. Behind his debonair and stylish exterior however, this thief isn't always such a gentleman.
While certainly capable of great cunning, Lupin is by nature a playful joker with more than a touch of lecher in him. Although he doesn't take much of anything too seriously, he does have a tendency to be a little childish when his fairly large ego gets bruised. He has been known to perform acts of heroism, but for the most part tends to be a chaotic neutral. He follows his own whims and doesn't allow the opinions of others to dictate his decisions.
Of course, if you're a beautiful woman -- then he's totally on your side, baby.
Sample Post:
Hey kids! Nice to meet you. I'm here before you today because some of you are guilty of a crime. The crime of being too damn awesome.
Now, I know, in a perfect world this shouldn't be a problem. I deal with being awesome everyday. Escaping huge explosions without so much as a stubbed toe. Driving cars up things you technically shouldn't be able to drive a car up. Being shot at by hundreds of goons and somehow not even catching a bullet. The sad thing is, lots of people aren't born as fortunate as you and I. Since they haven't found a way to transplant awesome yet, it's a deficiency many must live with. Since these people are incurable party poopers who will try and harsh your buzz because of their coolness impotence, I'm here to help you learn how to tone things down a bit. We'll start with a simple exercise! See that zombie over there? Now, I know it's habit to just do something really bad ass like ricochet a bullet off of a conveniently placed metal object to hit that sucker right between the eyes -- but stop! That's TOO COOL. You've got to lame it up! Instead, you're going to run towards that zombie, trip on a banana peel, slam against a pine tree, and tumble face forward right into its crotch. Repeat after me! RUN. SLIP. TUMBLE. TREE SLAM. ZOMBIE CROTCH. Got it? It's like a well orchestrated dance, in a way. Beautiful in its simplicity.
Plus it'll really be funny to watch!
As entertaining as this job is though, this wasn't how I wanted to spend my summer vacation. I'm more of a tropical beach kind of guy. Really, I'm more interested in the mystery behind this place. I thought playing along with this counselor schtick, aside with providing some great laughs, could help me find some answers. What makes a woman collect large groups of people and keep them prisoner in a godforsaken swamp for years on end? Well, I spent countless hours racking my brain about it last night, and I came to the most logical conclusion...
She's looooonely! Clearly the only thing that can warm that cold lump in her surely soft supple bosom is a little loving from a dashing young thief! A slice of hot and manly Lupin meat pie to fill that special hunger within! She's only human after all. A human woman, and a woman has needs. The barrier around this place? Clearly a metaphor for her seemingly impenetrable heart. The zombies? Hungry for brains. Obviously symbolizing her desperation for a man who can quench her mentally as well as physically. The writhing tentacle monster inhabiting the lake? Do I really need to expand on that? Luckily for her, rare jewels aren't the only thing I'm good at getting my hands on. I'll make it my goal to find her! I'll put an end to this little game of hers with one night of unforgettable passion. She'll turn it into 'Camp Fuck, Unh, A Little More To The Left! YES! YES!' by the time I'm done with her. Heheheh--
-- hey you! Pay attention! I said to tumble into the crotch! Not roundhouse kick it!
Ooooh boy. We're going to need more zombies.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Jenna Angel
Series: Digital Devil Saga
Character Age: Late twenties/early thirties.
Job: Camp Critic
Canon: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS S-S-SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF DDS.
At the end of the 20th century, Earth was dying. Mutated pathogens, abnormal weather patterns, and collapsed ecosystems abounded. Humans worldwide were stricken with the Cuvier Syndrome, a disease that caused slow, deadly petrification. In the midst of this chaos was born Jenna Angel, a brilliant scientist who finally realized that the problems stemmed from 'God,' the sun. Initially a gentle, caring woman, she underwent a complete personality change when her lover David was killed in a terrorist attack. Angered by humanity's useless bigotry, she opened an insane summer camp in Louisiana developed a complex plot to turn people into cannibalistic demons, reduce humanity to its basest nature, wipe it out, and destroy the world. Unfortunately, two factors integral to her plan turned against her: a girl named Sera, and the inhabitants of a virtual world called the Junkyard...
Angel is a chief of the Karma Society, an organization of scientists attempting to save humanity through dubious and often cruel methods. Cool and professional, she can maintain an emotionally detached manner, even when faced with the lobotomy of her own daughter. She's also quite charismatic, able to promise the populace salvation even while she works towards its destruction. Underneath her facade, Angel is consumed with sorrow and hatred, finding beauty in both chaos and the concept of 'eat or be eaten.' Her big old ball o' issues with mankind isn't helped by the fact that Angel is a demon as well. Infected by the virus that she herself created, she may transform into Onmyo Harihara, a powerful, four-armed creature reminiscent of a chess queen.
Sample Post:
When I first agreed to inspect the Core Facility of Utopian Development, Madame Sayre, this was hardly what I expected.
I must certainly express appreciation for the system you have wrought here, however. Regressing your test subjects to the simplest and most brutal of forms ... what poetry there is to be found in these, who pull their unhealthy bodies apart in the effort to devour. How beautiful, when these perfected demons are at their peak, and how ingenious, to focus their constant hunger on brains alone. They may have their cranial cake and eat it too ... by devouring all who stand in their way and reducing the populace to gibbering, cerebrum-craving masses like themselves. An innovative twist. It renders the majority of your subjects docile, does it not?
But there will always be errors at the developmental stage. I see the weak malinger and scavenge, their empty skulls ignored by the strong, who refuse to put them out of their misery. Perhaps a culling system might be more effective instead. One also ought to remember that the concept of baseness can be taken just a tad too far; the profusion of abandoned organs here is both a waste of resources and a mockery of hygiene.
Your vulnerability is an issue as well, since you seem woefully lacking in alternative sources of manpower. Left unchecked, some enterprising souls might someday discover the value of possessing arms, both literal and figurative. Unlikely, yes, but rebellion occasionally disdains the odds, hm? I have already found that your current airborne deployment in this forest--strange, how greatly they resemble the extinct ramphastos sulfuratus--are ill-chosen guards should any threat arise. Not only are they uninformed as to whom their proper targets are, but must they advertise to all that they come in six unique fruit flavors?
Really, Madame, it grows worse the further I investigate! Without your presence, some of these poor, brain-deprived fools will turn to anyone who shows even a hint of authority. Their clamoring desire to be 'touched by a me' reveals some kind of perverse religious fanaticism, one you have done nothing to quell. Watch: do not fear, you who gather before me in rotting multitudes. You shall soon be led to liberation, above this cycle of karma that you wish to escape. Come, bring your beliefs to this shore, and dare the poisonous waters in your search for a higher truth--
--I suppose I must take back one point of contention. It seems your protective measures here are far more ... penetrative than I thought.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Special Agent Dana Scully
Series: The X-Files
Age: 32
Job: Explicator of the Inexplicable
Canon: Do you want to believe in little green men, the Loch Ness monster, werewolves, vampires and government conspiracies? FBI Special Agent Fox Mulder does, and that's why he spends his time investigating unusual cases, ones that might just have some kind of paranormal explanation. Hidden away in the basement offices where, with any luck, no one will ever discover that the FBI haven't simply fired their former golden boy who's become more than a little bit odd, Mulder and his partner, Dana Scully, do their very best to find out what's really going on in the mysterious cases they end up with.
Mulder believes in everything. That's why he was assigned to have Scully as his partner. Scientific, intelligent, objective, and rational in the face of extremely implausible scenarios, Dana Scully is the one who always finds an explanation that does not involve aliens, monsters, or the stuff of myths and legends. A born sceptic, she finds it very difficult to believe that anything paranormal is ever going on, and does her best to stop Mulder racing off into the realm of fantasy at every available opportunity. It's a tough job, but Scully is a strong, capable, self-assured, and very determined woman. Nine seasons of The X-Files confirm she's up to the task.
Mulder is mentioned with permission from his player.
Sample Entry:
Shall we go over this again? There's a perfectly rational explanation for everything going on here, despite what Agent Mulder may have been telling you. I realize you may all be feeling a little on edge after your enforced captivity, and I assure you Ms Sayre will be facing prosecution for what she's done. But continuing to make patently absurd claims about her methods doesn't help either yourselves or the case against her.
Let's begin with the trees, remaining purely in the realm of logic and rational thinking, if we can. The trees have not been touching you. You may have noticed that it gets windy around here sometimes, and that means the branches move. Sometimes they may even bump into you. Surely you've all encountered trees before. They can't think for themselves, and they are certainly not out to get you. The fact that occasionally parts of the tree come into contact with parts of you does not mean, and I can't believe I have to say this out loud, that the trees have developed either sentience or 'a taste for human flesh'. Trees are not carnivorous. The most they can ingest are small insects and, eventually, the corpses of larger creatures that have decomposed. That means they are dead. They are not coming back to life, although many of you seem to be under the impression that they can. Despite the widespread belief that talking to small white creatures renders you immortal, I have to caution you all against doing anything foolhardy. You may feel invincible right now, but let me tell you, death is permanent.
Which brings me to the next so-called paranormal occurrence. There are no such things as zombies. I believe what you think you've seen are just ordinary people, perhaps with an advanced form of leprosy or deformations of the limbs. Given that they are invariably described as attempting to bite or chew on anyone who comes near, we may be looking at rabies, but that can't be confirmed until we get results back from the lab. It shouldn't be more than a few days, at most, and in the meantime we'll make sure you all receive vaccinations against the disease. Just a precautionary measure; we don't expect any of you have been infected, but it won't do anyone any harm to be sure. The sheriff and his men will show you where to line up in just a moment.
There's only one more thing I'd like to touch on, which is the animal in the lake. There have been numerous sightings, and since they all agree on certain particulars, I think we can safely say that it's a giant squid. Mutated, obviously, by whatever's in the water - we'll need to run some tests to determine exactly what that is. It may have been a dumping ground for toxic waste, which would explain the color. Or there's some unusually healthy algae feeding off minerals in the water. It's possible that this is an entirely new evolution of the species, adapting to the waters it lives in. After hearing a number of reports that it impregnated one of the prisoners, I also theorize that it may have psychotropically active skin. Nothing else can explain the way everyone touched by it falls victim to extremely realistic hallucinations. Cross-species breeding is simply not possible, and I have to say it's very convenient that the alleged product of this union has coincidentally disappeared. We will be making every effort to verify your stories, however, no matter how bizarre they may be at first glance.
Thank you all for your attention. We'll have you all heading back home as soon as the sheriff's finished taking your statements. And Agent Mulder, I'd like a word with you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ianto Jones
Series: Torchwood
Age: 26
Job: Head Tea Boy for the CFUD Tourist Office
Canon: The Torchwood Institute exists beyond government and police control. Their mission, given to them directly by Queen Victoria (who was not amused by extraterrestrial antics at all), is to defend Great Britain and the Earth from alien threats. The series itself focuses on Torchwood Three, who work out of Cardiff, Wales. Lead by the fabulous Captain Jack Harkness, the team is primarily responsible for watching the space/time rift that runs through the city. When the rift isn’t giving them problems, the team spends the rest of their time capturing the aliens among us, having a little too much fun with alien technology, and making out in their underground lair. Have an alien invasion happening downtown? That’s just another day at Torchwood for you.
Ianto Jones acts as the all-around support staff for Torchwood Three. His job duties can be filed under receptionist, archivist, building maintenance, butler...anything you need, Ianto will take care of for you. Transferred after the destruction of Torchwood One, Ianto cleans up after Torchwood and always seems to know more than he should. He’s loyal to a fault and has a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor, which he’s not afraid to let lose. Ianto’s even become as badass as the rest of the team in the field, being perfectly willing to tazer a man in the face if it proves necessary. Despite that, Ianto is still quite reserved, but starting to open up to his co-workers, especially Captain Jack. Ianto is so much more than he seems at first, managing to look good in his suits and make a mean cup of coffee, while quietly helping to hold Torchwood together.
Note: Much like an 11 year-old girl, Ianto keeps a diary of important events.
Sample Post:
I've always found it useful to keep a personal record of events, even of those events that are much too memorable. Since camp was thoughtful enough to provide me with a "Pretty Pink Princess Diary," I'll be continuing here. For a place that begged for Torchwood's assistance, I haven't seen much of an alien problem. A monster problem, yes, but that doesn't seem to be the fault of outside interference. Thankfully, the tinfoil hat presented to me by the local wildlife appears to be an unnecessary precaution, but oh so very stylish. So far, my preliminary investigation has shown no signs of aliens "crawling in campers' skins" or copious amounts of towels. A necessity for interstellar travel, I've been told. I've gone far beyond believing this is a hoax and into the territory of kidnapping and imprisonment.
Maybe I should add forced labor to that list, too. After cleaning out the trash (a thick coating of dust, overly friendly plant life, broken furniture, three zombies, etc.), the tourist office doesn't look too bad. Although, I'm at a loss over who would want to take a nature walk though The Forest of Raping Vines or go for a dip in The Beautifully Radioactive Lake. The brochure for Zombies Gone Wild seems a bit extreme. Shouting "take off your shirt" is one thing, but "take off your breasts" is something I could have gone my entire life without picturing. They must get all kinds here. Including those who seem to expect a good cup of tea when they come to visit the travel office. I though they were all about their coffee, on this side of the world?
I wasn't aware that Tea Boy was even a position in America, much less one that demands someone to head it up. My gorilla assistants themselves seem confused, mistaking "tea" for "toy" quite often. Words were had, but I think I've managed to talk them around to my point of view. It's almost magical how the words "sexual harassment" and "lawsuit" can make someone change their tune and remove their hands. Despite being a monster-infested summer camp, this place does seem to have strict anti-harassment laws. I am left wondering about the punishments, though, none of which seem very enforceable or even practical. Personally, I’m a fan of the forced crossdressing one, but not for the gorillas. They seem to like it too much.
Speaking of my assistants, some slight behavior modification therapy did work wonders for Bobo the Purple Gorilla. Bobo did not understand that no means no and that harassing your co-worker without their permission does not create a positive work environment, but that’s all sorted now. I’m happy to say that productivity is up 69% (is this irony?).
In a completely unrelated note, I need to requisition more air fresheners. The smell of burnt fur is proving difficult to remove.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Ioryogi
Series: Kobato.
Character Age: Unknown, heavily implied to be ancient.
Job: Instructor for Pawsitive Reinforcement of Common Sense
Canon: CLAMP? Without any eyevore, loss of limb(s), or incredibly tragic twists of fate yet? Say it ain't so! But against all expectations, Kobato. is the adorable story of the eponymous main character, a sweet and naive girl who has undertaken a mission: to heal enough hearts to gain her true wish, to go to "that place." Unfortunately, with little world experience and a tendency to make mortifying misinterpretations, she first has to be taught... by a cursed stuffed animal, no less.
Ioryogi is Kobato's adorable and innocuous plush dog companion -- until he opens his mouth. Foul-mouthed, scathing, and quick to rage, Ioryogi instructs Kobato in common sense and normal human behavior with no mercy and plenty of ah, heated reinforcement as he possesses the ability to shoot blasts of energy from his mouth. His favorite style of instruction is to deal out a situation and then ask how it would hypothetically be completed. He's self-centered, sarcastic, and has questionable morals (and logic, with snippets like "beer can solve global warming!"), but he'll reward Kobato with a couple hundred of points and an acknowledgment of her achievement if he feels she deserves it. His origins are still in the dark as of now, but he appears to be a resident of "Heaven" who was kicked out under mysterious circumstances and punished with his current form; whenever Kobato completes her training, he'll return to normal. It might just take a long, long, long...long time.
Sample Entry:
Alright, you pack of pathetic punks! Eyes on me -- however many you've got! This is where your real test begins, so you better listen up since it's important. Need me to say that slower so you don't forget it? Im-por-TANT. In other words, don't screw up or I'll give you something to really remember! Don't think that I'll be soft with you just 'cuz I'm in a body like this! I'll do whatever it takes to make my point, and that includes beating the stuffing out of you if you make it difficult! And you can put away the pencils and paper; I don't mean those kind've lameass exams! Anyone with half a brain can pass something like that! What you're gettin' is EXPERIENCE.
First off, let's start with an easy one! What is your wish? ... "a pony." Great goin', kid! Best answer I've heard all day! And y'know why that is? 'CUZ IT'S THE ONLY ONE SO FAR. What the hell kind've lameass answer WAS that?! You'll be lucky if you get a tarantula if you keep crap like that up! What you're supposed to say is "to have you, the one and only Ioryogi-san, use your amazing talent to teach me how to act like a normal human being for once in my miserable life" -- got it memorized? I'm not dishing out prizes like some goddamned circus clown, I'm showing you how to have some basic common sense! Clear and simple! And good for you, you just proved that you're already in the negatives with that one. Che... "pony," my ass! Ponies are for winners, you dimwit! And zero points for barking up the wrong tree! Now quit your yammerin' and get with it already!
Unfortunately, time doesn't stop for stupidity like that, so neither can we. But don't think you're outta the fire yet, kapische? Next lesson! What do you have to do to get your wish? Let's hear some half-decent answers this time! Any ideas? Anyone? Geez... you can't seriously all be THAT dumb! The answer's practice, practice, practice! Imagine this: you're walking around in this camp place, 'bout mid-afternoon on a summer day. Sun's shining! Birds're singing! You kinda want to roast 'em on a spit 'cuz they're freakin' annoying but stay focused! Suddenly, you see a lone beer can lying on the ground, just inches from being swallowed up by that goddamned undeservin' swamp. Untouched! Unopened! Perfect. You can't just leave it there -- it's a classic draught in distress situation! Common Sense 101! So tell me, what do you do?
... WHAT? What do you mean you RECYCLE it?! That's even worse than the pony answer! Read my cotton-lined lips: I don't care if you can't hold a drink 'cuz you're underaged or whatever -- you pick it up and bring it back to me! That's as easy as you can get! And don't give me "but Ioryogi-san, I want to save the planet!"; save me your whining and trust me on this one! Who's the one teaching common sense here?! That's right! ME.
That's enough for today; anymore of this is gonna have me in stitches. Now move it or lose it, dummies! And in case you're wonderin' what "it" is? I'll let you find out.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Ise Nanao
Series: Bleach
Age: At least 115-120; physically, in her early twenties.
Job: Camp Librarian
Canon: Bleach is the epic story of a boy that sees ghosts and his sword - and the Shinigami (or Gods of Death) that love, hate, fight, flash, play with, chew on, and generally badtouch him. The job of the Shinigami, as it turns out, is to lead the souls of the recently deceased back to Soul Society, which is a feudal Japanese-styled underworld of sorts -- an occupation into which the aforementioned boy, Kurosaki Ichigo, is unwittingly conscripted. Out of the Shinigami we typically see, there are 13 Guard Companies... but today we're only interested in the 8th Division.
The Vice Captain of the 8th Division is Ise Nanao, a bespectacled woman who is almost never seen without a book in hand. In stark contrast to the captain of the 8th Division, Kyouraku Shunsui, Nanao is practical, down-to-earth, and responsible -- so much so that other captains have been known to listen to her. In fact, Nanao can often be found scolding her captain, reminding him to do his work, or in some cases even grounding him. When she's not babysitting her division, Nanao demonstrates her civic awareness by speaking at Vice Captains' and Shinigami Women's Association meetings; gets topped by tiny, hyper pink-haired girls like everyone else; discusses new books she's read with her friends; and always, always turns her paperwork in to the editing department on time.
Altogether, Nanao is a hard-working, sober, responsible Shinigami, with just the occasional touch of angry, embarrassed spaz when her coworkers do things like try to dress her up in a string bikini, give her beefcake pictures of the male Shinigami, or draw pictures of penisphones for her.
Sample App:
Good afternoon, campers of Camp F... h-how inappropriate! Is that really the name of a children's camp? Camp... Fuck You Die. My name is Ise Nanao, and I'll be one of your librarians this summer. Before we get started, I would like to say that while I'm grateful to whomever left the 'Camp Survival Kit' on my desk, I'm not quite sure what a pineapple and a tub of Crisco have to do with surviving in camp. I'm also sure I'll get a great deal of use out of the 'Llama Sutra' and 'Midget Mud Wrestling for Dummies' books that were included. As paperweights. With that out of the way, why don't we go over a few of the library's rules while we get to know each other, hmm?
Firstly, I ask that you please treat the library materials properly. If you return a book that's been folded, spindled, mutilated, burned, or grated in any way, I will see to it that you cover the cost. Please do not beat the books; swatting them for snapping at you is not only disrespectful, but will also result in them latching on harder. The best way to 'teach them a lesson' is by returning them here, and not by stabbing them with forks, knives, or consecrated daggers. And yes, the bleeding is normal for them. Things I should not find inside returned books include candy, large tufts of hair, unidentifiable sticky substances, pictures of your mother, bodily fluids of any kind, and human limbs. And as a reminder, no matter what it may advertise on the back cover, none of the books from our library will summon Baphomet with the proper ritual sacrifice.
Moving on, when checking out our visual media, please do not tape over any of our tapes with your homemade renditions of the Blair Witch Project or Shaun of the Dead. The zombies are not your personal playthings, nor are they your unpaid extras! Furthermore, none of the tapes here are cursed, so no matter what your friends might tell you or how many times you might ask me, watching any single one of them will not kill you in seven days. And no, we do not carry copies of Two Bears, One Beehive; Yogi Bear's Picnic Basket Badonkadonk; or Butt Pirates of the Caribbean; any further inquiries will earn a week-long ban from the library. Honestly! Who would watch something so disgusting! And what in the world is a 'badonkadonk'? And remember: be kind, rewind!
Finally, we ask that you leave your pets back at your cabin; animals are not allowed in the library. Any indigenous wildlife, to include goats, gorillas, large carnivorous plants, penguins, creeping pie vines, and platypii, will be dealt with appropriately; after all, this is a library, not a heavy petting zoo! This, of course, extends to include any gorillas that may already be in the library under their own power. The library materials are only available for check-out to campers, whether it's the National Geographic Swimsuit Issue or not. And no, I don't care if you are King of the Jungle -- doing that sort of thing in the Periodicals Section is completely outrageous!
I think we're sorely in need of another rule! It should go without saying that if you aren't fully clothed, please do not come to the library! Even if you are covered in a purple pelt, I'll still consider it indecent apely exposure!
Poll Vote!
Character: Lockon Stratos.
Series: Mobile Suit Gundam 00.
Character Age: 25.
Counselor Job: Professional Big Brother.
Canon: Ever hear the old phrase “fight fire with fire”? That’s the mindset of the paramilitary organization Celestial Being in Gundam 00. In a world filled with terrorism and warfare, the group aims to eradicate these problems with armed interventions, using their trump card: powerful mobile suits called Gundams. And sure, the world might come to hate them but being a part of Celestial Being means becoming a family as you aim to change the world!
One member of the family is the sharpshooter Lockon Stratos, the Meister (pilot) of the Gundam Dynames. Lockon is the one who, without hesitation, gives pep talks and motivational advice. Not only that, he’s also perceptive and understanding of even the most extreme motivations of his fellow members. During missions, Lockon is the most lighthearted, with his laughter and jokes to ease the tension. As the group of four Gundams’ leader, he commands respect but at the same time understands why the other Meisters may act irrationally or disobey orders. They’re only human, after all. But Lockon has his own secrets, like his mourning for his family and hatred for terrorism. Terrorist actions against civilians bring out his ruthless, irrational, and even scary side that contradicts his typical merciful persona. As for his sorrow, he hides it with the pretense of fake girlfriends-a recording of laughing girls that he plays when called by Celestial Being on his time off. These traits aren’t immediately apparent because Lockon is the friendly one who’s usually seen chatting it up with his assistant and close friend, an orange robot called a Haro.
Note: When Haro says something, it repeats it twice.
Sample Post:
From the descriptions in the mission brief, I have to say I was expecting some endless black pit of despair, but it looks like we arrived before it got too bad. Celestial Being ensured our undercover status, Haro-I just hope bringing you along fits the job description as their big brother, since I work better with you around. I’ve told you more than a few times that I love you, and you love me, and when we’re back home, we make a pretty good family. There are a few barriers when it comes to giving you a big hug and kiss, but I think keeping you close takes care of that. We’ll be able to inspire some of the campers with our personal brotherhood and give them a good goal to shoot for! Stay sharp, because it looks like the first batch of guys have turned up.
I’m not too sure what I’d expected from the files, but I’m pretty sure you’re not it. The looks and sounds of you guys might explain why they gave me this game of Cranium. Don’t worry about it being too complicated because it’s not about getting at brains. I’ll walk you through the best I can, even if you look like you’re about to bite my head off right now. I can tell you’re really a bunch of fragile guys trying to keep it together. After all, you’ve all been dragged here against your will and put up for charges for murder, and even I’m surprised you haven’t rebelled yet! This isn’t the time to think about starting, either, so just circle around the board instead of eyeing my head and get ready to play. It’s just too bad playing a game won’t fix the rest of your problems that are so stressful they might be making you go gray. I’m here to keep you company so you don’t become war criminals, but it can’t be too helpful to see those birds and gorillas dropping bombs on one another. This place really gives new meaning to the definition of guerrilla warfare.
With that kind of activity, I wouldn’t blame you if you were worried about being in danger in a place like this. If things get a little too rough, I’ll just have to prove myself with my gun. I’d be willing to show off a little if it’d keep you all amused. It might just help if you already look that bad. … Hey now, I was talking about these guys here, you goat, and when I talk about my rifle, I’m not saying that part of me! … Seems like he got the hint, but I’m not too sure what’s worse about this place, the animals aiming a little too high when it comes to my artillery or the fact that it’s bound to trigger an explosive reaction from you guys. … But I'm getting ahead of myself here, so let's take a look at how Haro and I-
… Hey, hey, I thought I told you to stay away from the water, Haro, not go falling in! “Gonna get raped, gonna get raped,” huh? Looks like I’ll just have to jump in and start singing the same tune, too.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Carlton Lassiter
Series: Psych
Age: 32
Job: Firearms Instructor
Canon: Psych is a show about Shawn Spencer, a man who uses his almost godly powers of observation to fool the Santa Barbara Police Department into hiring him as a psychic consultant. Throughout the series, he must keep a few steps ahead of the police in order to keep from being found out; fortunately for him, he is able to do this rather well, seeing as he's blessed with 20 Charisma and 20 Luck. However, it isn't going to be totally easy for him, as there are those who are intent on exposing him as a fraud.
Head Detective Carlton Lassiter is one of those people. As a 10 year veteran of the force, he stands for professionalism and proper procedure. He's a workaholic and a perfectionist by nature; he likes to have everything under control at all times, and cannot accept failure. He is not only like this in his work, but in his personal life as well. While he is uptight, sarcastic, and easily irritable, he is also a very responsible and dependable person, and honest to the point where he'll refuse to take credit that isn't due to him. All of these qualities seem to amount to a man who conducts himself as if he doesn't care what people think of him, but this is only partially true. He may be a hardass, but he does have a desire to be liked, and often seeks approval from those he respects in some rather dorky ways, such as making jokes that often fall flat.
Sample Entry:
For the last time, I have no idea where that music is coming from. Nor do I really care, unless the opening theme from Lassie has some bearing on this investigation. Which it doesn't, so let's move on.
Alright men! You know what we're here for, you all know the plan. Surround the area, secure it, get those people out of there, and make sure this nut behind all of this doesn't make a fast exit into the swamp. It will require finesse and teamwork on all of our parts, so if you'd all cease bickering about who's got the jurisdiction on this and move in, I'm sure the victims would appreciate it. Thanks. Now let's move in, I think I see the perps up ahead.
What the hell are these things? Bears? You think I can shoot one? No, probably not. PETA would probably throw a hissy fit, even if one of them went for my jugular and bled me dry. And before anyone gives me that look, the idea is plausible. They've got batwings for God's sake!
Save? Yes, we're here to save the victims. Now if you'll excuse me-- yes, we are going to save them, I just said that. Why are you all just saying "Save, Save, Save?" over and over again? Look, I already said-- you know what, forget it. I'll show you.
ATTENTION ELIZABETH SAYRE. You are under arrest for kidnapping. Can't give you the count number for that yet, seeing as that's still getting sorted out. Even if it's less than anticipated, don't be expecting leniency from the D.A. Between how long it took to pick out fictional characters from the list, and the fact that all of the names have to be run through again because one of them sounded like an Asian cartoon an officer's kid watched... the D.A.'s out for your blood at this point.
There's no point in hiding, Ms. Sayre. Surrender yourself quickly and peacefully, and this will be as painless as possible. Try to make a run for it, and I'll guarantee --what the hell is on my chest. A name-tag? Who the hell thought it'd be funny to swap this for my badge? Sweet justice, it sparkles. That's just shameful.
Hello, I'm Lassie? Firearms instructor? Ask me to cock my gun? No, I don't think so. Let's get something straight here. My name is Carlton Lassiter. I already have a job, and it isn't what's written on this soul sucking embarrassment of a nametag. If you want to challenge me on that, I'll show you just how well I can cock my gun. I have absolutely no intention of instruc--
Just what are you doing? Yeah, I'm talking to you. You think you're going to pull off some "gansta" moves, holding the gun to the side like that? That throws off the aim! Which is, oh, I don't know, just a bit vital to firing a weapon. How "badass" do you think you'll be when you can't shoot your way out of a paper bag because you can't do something as simple as hold it the right way up? Alright, back up, I'm going to show you how to do this right. And no one mistake this for me taking the job; I'm only doing this place a public service, making sure this idiot doesn't shoot anyone's foot off.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED and you kids get a brief break from apps. ♥
Character: Arsène Lupin III
Series: Lupin III
Character Age: Unknown. Guesses usually range between 25-35.
Job: Mary Sue/Gary Stu Detoxification Specialist
Canon: The latest in a line of gentleman thieves, Lupin III is known the world over for being able to steal the impossible and escape any prison that tries to hold him. Unlike many of his ilk he steals not for the monetary gain but for the challenge, and is often confident enough in his prowess to announce his pilfering plans in advance to his victims. Behind his debonair and stylish exterior however, this thief isn't always such a gentleman.
While certainly capable of great cunning, Lupin is by nature a playful joker with more than a touch of lecher in him. Although he doesn't take much of anything too seriously, he does have a tendency to be a little childish when his fairly large ego gets bruised. He has been known to perform acts of heroism, but for the most part tends to be a chaotic neutral. He follows his own whims and doesn't allow the opinions of others to dictate his decisions.
Of course, if you're a beautiful woman -- then he's totally on your side, baby.
Sample Post:
Hey kids! Nice to meet you. I'm here before you today because some of you are guilty of a crime. The crime of being too damn awesome.
Now, I know, in a perfect world this shouldn't be a problem. I deal with being awesome everyday. Escaping huge explosions without so much as a stubbed toe. Driving cars up things you technically shouldn't be able to drive a car up. Being shot at by hundreds of goons and somehow not even catching a bullet. The sad thing is, lots of people aren't born as fortunate as you and I. Since they haven't found a way to transplant awesome yet, it's a deficiency many must live with. Since these people are incurable party poopers who will try and harsh your buzz because of their coolness impotence, I'm here to help you learn how to tone things down a bit. We'll start with a simple exercise! See that zombie over there? Now, I know it's habit to just do something really bad ass like ricochet a bullet off of a conveniently placed metal object to hit that sucker right between the eyes -- but stop! That's TOO COOL. You've got to lame it up! Instead, you're going to run towards that zombie, trip on a banana peel, slam against a pine tree, and tumble face forward right into its crotch. Repeat after me! RUN. SLIP. TUMBLE. TREE SLAM. ZOMBIE CROTCH. Got it? It's like a well orchestrated dance, in a way. Beautiful in its simplicity.
Plus it'll really be funny to watch!
As entertaining as this job is though, this wasn't how I wanted to spend my summer vacation. I'm more of a tropical beach kind of guy. Really, I'm more interested in the mystery behind this place. I thought playing along with this counselor schtick, aside with providing some great laughs, could help me find some answers. What makes a woman collect large groups of people and keep them prisoner in a godforsaken swamp for years on end? Well, I spent countless hours racking my brain about it last night, and I came to the most logical conclusion...
She's looooonely! Clearly the only thing that can warm that cold lump in her surely soft supple bosom is a little loving from a dashing young thief! A slice of hot and manly Lupin meat pie to fill that special hunger within! She's only human after all. A human woman, and a woman has needs. The barrier around this place? Clearly a metaphor for her seemingly impenetrable heart. The zombies? Hungry for brains. Obviously symbolizing her desperation for a man who can quench her mentally as well as physically. The writhing tentacle monster inhabiting the lake? Do I really need to expand on that? Luckily for her, rare jewels aren't the only thing I'm good at getting my hands on. I'll make it my goal to find her! I'll put an end to this little game of hers with one night of unforgettable passion. She'll turn it into 'Camp Fuck, Unh, A Little More To The Left! YES! YES!' by the time I'm done with her. Heheheh--
-- hey you! Pay attention! I said to tumble into the crotch! Not roundhouse kick it!
Ooooh boy. We're going to need more zombies.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Jenna Angel
Series: Digital Devil Saga
Character Age: Late twenties/early thirties.
Job: Camp Critic
Canon: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS S-S-SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRETY OF DDS.
At the end of the 20th century, Earth was dying. Mutated pathogens, abnormal weather patterns, and collapsed ecosystems abounded. Humans worldwide were stricken with the Cuvier Syndrome, a disease that caused slow, deadly petrification. In the midst of this chaos was born Jenna Angel, a brilliant scientist who finally realized that the problems stemmed from 'God,' the sun. Initially a gentle, caring woman, she underwent a complete personality change when her lover David was killed in a terrorist attack. Angered by humanity's useless bigotry, she opened an insane summer camp in Louisiana developed a complex plot to turn people into cannibalistic demons, reduce humanity to its basest nature, wipe it out, and destroy the world. Unfortunately, two factors integral to her plan turned against her: a girl named Sera, and the inhabitants of a virtual world called the Junkyard...
Angel is a chief of the Karma Society, an organization of scientists attempting to save humanity through dubious and often cruel methods. Cool and professional, she can maintain an emotionally detached manner, even when faced with the lobotomy of her own daughter. She's also quite charismatic, able to promise the populace salvation even while she works towards its destruction. Underneath her facade, Angel is consumed with sorrow and hatred, finding beauty in both chaos and the concept of 'eat or be eaten.' Her big old ball o' issues with mankind isn't helped by the fact that Angel is a demon as well. Infected by the virus that she herself created, she may transform into Onmyo Harihara, a powerful, four-armed creature reminiscent of a chess queen.
Sample Post:
When I first agreed to inspect the Core Facility of Utopian Development, Madame Sayre, this was hardly what I expected.
I must certainly express appreciation for the system you have wrought here, however. Regressing your test subjects to the simplest and most brutal of forms ... what poetry there is to be found in these, who pull their unhealthy bodies apart in the effort to devour. How beautiful, when these perfected demons are at their peak, and how ingenious, to focus their constant hunger on brains alone. They may have their cranial cake and eat it too ... by devouring all who stand in their way and reducing the populace to gibbering, cerebrum-craving masses like themselves. An innovative twist. It renders the majority of your subjects docile, does it not?
But there will always be errors at the developmental stage. I see the weak malinger and scavenge, their empty skulls ignored by the strong, who refuse to put them out of their misery. Perhaps a culling system might be more effective instead. One also ought to remember that the concept of baseness can be taken just a tad too far; the profusion of abandoned organs here is both a waste of resources and a mockery of hygiene.
Your vulnerability is an issue as well, since you seem woefully lacking in alternative sources of manpower. Left unchecked, some enterprising souls might someday discover the value of possessing arms, both literal and figurative. Unlikely, yes, but rebellion occasionally disdains the odds, hm? I have already found that your current airborne deployment in this forest--strange, how greatly they resemble the extinct ramphastos sulfuratus--are ill-chosen guards should any threat arise. Not only are they uninformed as to whom their proper targets are, but must they advertise to all that they come in six unique fruit flavors?
Really, Madame, it grows worse the further I investigate! Without your presence, some of these poor, brain-deprived fools will turn to anyone who shows even a hint of authority. Their clamoring desire to be 'touched by a me' reveals some kind of perverse religious fanaticism, one you have done nothing to quell. Watch: do not fear, you who gather before me in rotting multitudes. You shall soon be led to liberation, above this cycle of karma that you wish to escape. Come, bring your beliefs to this shore, and dare the poisonous waters in your search for a higher truth--
--I suppose I must take back one point of contention. It seems your protective measures here are far more ... penetrative than I thought.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Special Agent Dana Scully
Series: The X-Files
Age: 32
Job: Explicator of the Inexplicable
Canon: Do you want to believe in little green men, the Loch Ness monster, werewolves, vampires and government conspiracies? FBI Special Agent Fox Mulder does, and that's why he spends his time investigating unusual cases, ones that might just have some kind of paranormal explanation. Hidden away in the basement offices where, with any luck, no one will ever discover that the FBI haven't simply fired their former golden boy who's become more than a little bit odd, Mulder and his partner, Dana Scully, do their very best to find out what's really going on in the mysterious cases they end up with.
Mulder believes in everything. That's why he was assigned to have Scully as his partner. Scientific, intelligent, objective, and rational in the face of extremely implausible scenarios, Dana Scully is the one who always finds an explanation that does not involve aliens, monsters, or the stuff of myths and legends. A born sceptic, she finds it very difficult to believe that anything paranormal is ever going on, and does her best to stop Mulder racing off into the realm of fantasy at every available opportunity. It's a tough job, but Scully is a strong, capable, self-assured, and very determined woman. Nine seasons of The X-Files confirm she's up to the task.
Mulder is mentioned with permission from his player.
Sample Entry:
Shall we go over this again? There's a perfectly rational explanation for everything going on here, despite what Agent Mulder may have been telling you. I realize you may all be feeling a little on edge after your enforced captivity, and I assure you Ms Sayre will be facing prosecution for what she's done. But continuing to make patently absurd claims about her methods doesn't help either yourselves or the case against her.
Let's begin with the trees, remaining purely in the realm of logic and rational thinking, if we can. The trees have not been touching you. You may have noticed that it gets windy around here sometimes, and that means the branches move. Sometimes they may even bump into you. Surely you've all encountered trees before. They can't think for themselves, and they are certainly not out to get you. The fact that occasionally parts of the tree come into contact with parts of you does not mean, and I can't believe I have to say this out loud, that the trees have developed either sentience or 'a taste for human flesh'. Trees are not carnivorous. The most they can ingest are small insects and, eventually, the corpses of larger creatures that have decomposed. That means they are dead. They are not coming back to life, although many of you seem to be under the impression that they can. Despite the widespread belief that talking to small white creatures renders you immortal, I have to caution you all against doing anything foolhardy. You may feel invincible right now, but let me tell you, death is permanent.
Which brings me to the next so-called paranormal occurrence. There are no such things as zombies. I believe what you think you've seen are just ordinary people, perhaps with an advanced form of leprosy or deformations of the limbs. Given that they are invariably described as attempting to bite or chew on anyone who comes near, we may be looking at rabies, but that can't be confirmed until we get results back from the lab. It shouldn't be more than a few days, at most, and in the meantime we'll make sure you all receive vaccinations against the disease. Just a precautionary measure; we don't expect any of you have been infected, but it won't do anyone any harm to be sure. The sheriff and his men will show you where to line up in just a moment.
There's only one more thing I'd like to touch on, which is the animal in the lake. There have been numerous sightings, and since they all agree on certain particulars, I think we can safely say that it's a giant squid. Mutated, obviously, by whatever's in the water - we'll need to run some tests to determine exactly what that is. It may have been a dumping ground for toxic waste, which would explain the color. Or there's some unusually healthy algae feeding off minerals in the water. It's possible that this is an entirely new evolution of the species, adapting to the waters it lives in. After hearing a number of reports that it impregnated one of the prisoners, I also theorize that it may have psychotropically active skin. Nothing else can explain the way everyone touched by it falls victim to extremely realistic hallucinations. Cross-species breeding is simply not possible, and I have to say it's very convenient that the alleged product of this union has coincidentally disappeared. We will be making every effort to verify your stories, however, no matter how bizarre they may be at first glance.
Thank you all for your attention. We'll have you all heading back home as soon as the sheriff's finished taking your statements. And Agent Mulder, I'd like a word with you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ianto Jones
Series: Torchwood
Age: 26
Job: Head Tea Boy for the CFUD Tourist Office
Canon: The Torchwood Institute exists beyond government and police control. Their mission, given to them directly by Queen Victoria (who was not amused by extraterrestrial antics at all), is to defend Great Britain and the Earth from alien threats. The series itself focuses on Torchwood Three, who work out of Cardiff, Wales. Lead by the fabulous Captain Jack Harkness, the team is primarily responsible for watching the space/time rift that runs through the city. When the rift isn’t giving them problems, the team spends the rest of their time capturing the aliens among us, having a little too much fun with alien technology, and making out in their underground lair. Have an alien invasion happening downtown? That’s just another day at Torchwood for you.
Ianto Jones acts as the all-around support staff for Torchwood Three. His job duties can be filed under receptionist, archivist, building maintenance, butler...anything you need, Ianto will take care of for you. Transferred after the destruction of Torchwood One, Ianto cleans up after Torchwood and always seems to know more than he should. He’s loyal to a fault and has a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor, which he’s not afraid to let lose. Ianto’s even become as badass as the rest of the team in the field, being perfectly willing to tazer a man in the face if it proves necessary. Despite that, Ianto is still quite reserved, but starting to open up to his co-workers, especially Captain Jack. Ianto is so much more than he seems at first, managing to look good in his suits and make a mean cup of coffee, while quietly helping to hold Torchwood together.
Note: Much like an 11 year-old girl, Ianto keeps a diary of important events.
Sample Post:
I've always found it useful to keep a personal record of events, even of those events that are much too memorable. Since camp was thoughtful enough to provide me with a "Pretty Pink Princess Diary," I'll be continuing here. For a place that begged for Torchwood's assistance, I haven't seen much of an alien problem. A monster problem, yes, but that doesn't seem to be the fault of outside interference. Thankfully, the tinfoil hat presented to me by the local wildlife appears to be an unnecessary precaution, but oh so very stylish. So far, my preliminary investigation has shown no signs of aliens "crawling in campers' skins" or copious amounts of towels. A necessity for interstellar travel, I've been told. I've gone far beyond believing this is a hoax and into the territory of kidnapping and imprisonment.
Maybe I should add forced labor to that list, too. After cleaning out the trash (a thick coating of dust, overly friendly plant life, broken furniture, three zombies, etc.), the tourist office doesn't look too bad. Although, I'm at a loss over who would want to take a nature walk though The Forest of Raping Vines or go for a dip in The Beautifully Radioactive Lake. The brochure for Zombies Gone Wild seems a bit extreme. Shouting "take off your shirt" is one thing, but "take off your breasts" is something I could have gone my entire life without picturing. They must get all kinds here. Including those who seem to expect a good cup of tea when they come to visit the travel office. I though they were all about their coffee, on this side of the world?
I wasn't aware that Tea Boy was even a position in America, much less one that demands someone to head it up. My gorilla assistants themselves seem confused, mistaking "tea" for "toy" quite often. Words were had, but I think I've managed to talk them around to my point of view. It's almost magical how the words "sexual harassment" and "lawsuit" can make someone change their tune and remove their hands. Despite being a monster-infested summer camp, this place does seem to have strict anti-harassment laws. I am left wondering about the punishments, though, none of which seem very enforceable or even practical. Personally, I’m a fan of the forced crossdressing one, but not for the gorillas. They seem to like it too much.
Speaking of my assistants, some slight behavior modification therapy did work wonders for Bobo the Purple Gorilla. Bobo did not understand that no means no and that harassing your co-worker without their permission does not create a positive work environment, but that’s all sorted now. I’m happy to say that productivity is up 69% (is this irony?).
In a completely unrelated note, I need to requisition more air fresheners. The smell of burnt fur is proving difficult to remove.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Ioryogi
Series: Kobato.
Character Age: Unknown, heavily implied to be ancient.
Job: Instructor for Pawsitive Reinforcement of Common Sense
Canon: CLAMP? Without any eyevore, loss of limb(s), or incredibly tragic twists of fate yet? Say it ain't so! But against all expectations, Kobato. is the adorable story of the eponymous main character, a sweet and naive girl who has undertaken a mission: to heal enough hearts to gain her true wish, to go to "that place." Unfortunately, with little world experience and a tendency to make mortifying misinterpretations, she first has to be taught... by a cursed stuffed animal, no less.
Ioryogi is Kobato's adorable and innocuous plush dog companion -- until he opens his mouth. Foul-mouthed, scathing, and quick to rage, Ioryogi instructs Kobato in common sense and normal human behavior with no mercy and plenty of ah, heated reinforcement as he possesses the ability to shoot blasts of energy from his mouth. His favorite style of instruction is to deal out a situation and then ask how it would hypothetically be completed. He's self-centered, sarcastic, and has questionable morals (and logic, with snippets like "beer can solve global warming!"), but he'll reward Kobato with a couple hundred of points and an acknowledgment of her achievement if he feels she deserves it. His origins are still in the dark as of now, but he appears to be a resident of "Heaven" who was kicked out under mysterious circumstances and punished with his current form; whenever Kobato completes her training, he'll return to normal. It might just take a long, long, long...long time.
Sample Entry:
Alright, you pack of pathetic punks! Eyes on me -- however many you've got! This is where your real test begins, so you better listen up since it's important. Need me to say that slower so you don't forget it? Im-por-TANT. In other words, don't screw up or I'll give you something to really remember! Don't think that I'll be soft with you just 'cuz I'm in a body like this! I'll do whatever it takes to make my point, and that includes beating the stuffing out of you if you make it difficult! And you can put away the pencils and paper; I don't mean those kind've lameass exams! Anyone with half a brain can pass something like that! What you're gettin' is EXPERIENCE.
First off, let's start with an easy one! What is your wish? ... "a pony." Great goin', kid! Best answer I've heard all day! And y'know why that is? 'CUZ IT'S THE ONLY ONE SO FAR. What the hell kind've lameass answer WAS that?! You'll be lucky if you get a tarantula if you keep crap like that up! What you're supposed to say is "to have you, the one and only Ioryogi-san, use your amazing talent to teach me how to act like a normal human being for once in my miserable life" -- got it memorized? I'm not dishing out prizes like some goddamned circus clown, I'm showing you how to have some basic common sense! Clear and simple! And good for you, you just proved that you're already in the negatives with that one. Che... "pony," my ass! Ponies are for winners, you dimwit! And zero points for barking up the wrong tree! Now quit your yammerin' and get with it already!
Unfortunately, time doesn't stop for stupidity like that, so neither can we. But don't think you're outta the fire yet, kapische? Next lesson! What do you have to do to get your wish? Let's hear some half-decent answers this time! Any ideas? Anyone? Geez... you can't seriously all be THAT dumb! The answer's practice, practice, practice! Imagine this: you're walking around in this camp place, 'bout mid-afternoon on a summer day. Sun's shining! Birds're singing! You kinda want to roast 'em on a spit 'cuz they're freakin' annoying but stay focused! Suddenly, you see a lone beer can lying on the ground, just inches from being swallowed up by that goddamned undeservin' swamp. Untouched! Unopened! Perfect. You can't just leave it there -- it's a classic draught in distress situation! Common Sense 101! So tell me, what do you do?
... WHAT? What do you mean you RECYCLE it?! That's even worse than the pony answer! Read my cotton-lined lips: I don't care if you can't hold a drink 'cuz you're underaged or whatever -- you pick it up and bring it back to me! That's as easy as you can get! And don't give me "but Ioryogi-san, I want to save the planet!"; save me your whining and trust me on this one! Who's the one teaching common sense here?! That's right! ME.
That's enough for today; anymore of this is gonna have me in stitches. Now move it or lose it, dummies! And in case you're wonderin' what "it" is? I'll let you find out.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Ise Nanao
Series: Bleach
Age: At least 115-120; physically, in her early twenties.
Job: Camp Librarian
Canon: Bleach is the epic story of a boy that sees ghosts and his sword - and the Shinigami (or Gods of Death) that love, hate, fight, flash, play with, chew on, and generally badtouch him. The job of the Shinigami, as it turns out, is to lead the souls of the recently deceased back to Soul Society, which is a feudal Japanese-styled underworld of sorts -- an occupation into which the aforementioned boy, Kurosaki Ichigo, is unwittingly conscripted. Out of the Shinigami we typically see, there are 13 Guard Companies... but today we're only interested in the 8th Division.
The Vice Captain of the 8th Division is Ise Nanao, a bespectacled woman who is almost never seen without a book in hand. In stark contrast to the captain of the 8th Division, Kyouraku Shunsui, Nanao is practical, down-to-earth, and responsible -- so much so that other captains have been known to listen to her. In fact, Nanao can often be found scolding her captain, reminding him to do his work, or in some cases even grounding him. When she's not babysitting her division, Nanao demonstrates her civic awareness by speaking at Vice Captains' and Shinigami Women's Association meetings; gets topped by tiny, hyper pink-haired girls like everyone else; discusses new books she's read with her friends; and always, always turns her paperwork in to the editing department on time.
Altogether, Nanao is a hard-working, sober, responsible Shinigami, with just the occasional touch of angry, embarrassed spaz when her coworkers do things like try to dress her up in a string bikini, give her beefcake pictures of the male Shinigami, or draw pictures of penisphones for her.
Sample App:
Good afternoon, campers of Camp F... h-how inappropriate! Is that really the name of a children's camp? Camp... Fuck You Die. My name is Ise Nanao, and I'll be one of your librarians this summer. Before we get started, I would like to say that while I'm grateful to whomever left the 'Camp Survival Kit' on my desk, I'm not quite sure what a pineapple and a tub of Crisco have to do with surviving in camp. I'm also sure I'll get a great deal of use out of the 'Llama Sutra' and 'Midget Mud Wrestling for Dummies' books that were included. As paperweights. With that out of the way, why don't we go over a few of the library's rules while we get to know each other, hmm?
Firstly, I ask that you please treat the library materials properly. If you return a book that's been folded, spindled, mutilated, burned, or grated in any way, I will see to it that you cover the cost. Please do not beat the books; swatting them for snapping at you is not only disrespectful, but will also result in them latching on harder. The best way to 'teach them a lesson' is by returning them here, and not by stabbing them with forks, knives, or consecrated daggers. And yes, the bleeding is normal for them. Things I should not find inside returned books include candy, large tufts of hair, unidentifiable sticky substances, pictures of your mother, bodily fluids of any kind, and human limbs. And as a reminder, no matter what it may advertise on the back cover, none of the books from our library will summon Baphomet with the proper ritual sacrifice.
Moving on, when checking out our visual media, please do not tape over any of our tapes with your homemade renditions of the Blair Witch Project or Shaun of the Dead. The zombies are not your personal playthings, nor are they your unpaid extras! Furthermore, none of the tapes here are cursed, so no matter what your friends might tell you or how many times you might ask me, watching any single one of them will not kill you in seven days. And no, we do not carry copies of Two Bears, One Beehive; Yogi Bear's Picnic Basket Badonkadonk; or Butt Pirates of the Caribbean; any further inquiries will earn a week-long ban from the library. Honestly! Who would watch something so disgusting! And what in the world is a 'badonkadonk'? And remember: be kind, rewind!
Finally, we ask that you leave your pets back at your cabin; animals are not allowed in the library. Any indigenous wildlife, to include goats, gorillas, large carnivorous plants, penguins, creeping pie vines, and platypii, will be dealt with appropriately; after all, this is a library, not a heavy petting zoo! This, of course, extends to include any gorillas that may already be in the library under their own power. The library materials are only available for check-out to campers, whether it's the National Geographic Swimsuit Issue or not. And no, I don't care if you are King of the Jungle -- doing that sort of thing in the Periodicals Section is completely outrageous!
I think we're sorely in need of another rule! It should go without saying that if you aren't fully clothed, please do not come to the library! Even if you are covered in a purple pelt, I'll still consider it indecent apely exposure!
Poll Vote!
Character: Lockon Stratos.
Series: Mobile Suit Gundam 00.
Character Age: 25.
Counselor Job: Professional Big Brother.
Canon: Ever hear the old phrase “fight fire with fire”? That’s the mindset of the paramilitary organization Celestial Being in Gundam 00. In a world filled with terrorism and warfare, the group aims to eradicate these problems with armed interventions, using their trump card: powerful mobile suits called Gundams. And sure, the world might come to hate them but being a part of Celestial Being means becoming a family as you aim to change the world!
One member of the family is the sharpshooter Lockon Stratos, the Meister (pilot) of the Gundam Dynames. Lockon is the one who, without hesitation, gives pep talks and motivational advice. Not only that, he’s also perceptive and understanding of even the most extreme motivations of his fellow members. During missions, Lockon is the most lighthearted, with his laughter and jokes to ease the tension. As the group of four Gundams’ leader, he commands respect but at the same time understands why the other Meisters may act irrationally or disobey orders. They’re only human, after all. But Lockon has his own secrets, like his mourning for his family and hatred for terrorism. Terrorist actions against civilians bring out his ruthless, irrational, and even scary side that contradicts his typical merciful persona. As for his sorrow, he hides it with the pretense of fake girlfriends-a recording of laughing girls that he plays when called by Celestial Being on his time off. These traits aren’t immediately apparent because Lockon is the friendly one who’s usually seen chatting it up with his assistant and close friend, an orange robot called a Haro.
Note: When Haro says something, it repeats it twice.
Sample Post:
From the descriptions in the mission brief, I have to say I was expecting some endless black pit of despair, but it looks like we arrived before it got too bad. Celestial Being ensured our undercover status, Haro-I just hope bringing you along fits the job description as their big brother, since I work better with you around. I’ve told you more than a few times that I love you, and you love me, and when we’re back home, we make a pretty good family. There are a few barriers when it comes to giving you a big hug and kiss, but I think keeping you close takes care of that. We’ll be able to inspire some of the campers with our personal brotherhood and give them a good goal to shoot for! Stay sharp, because it looks like the first batch of guys have turned up.
I’m not too sure what I’d expected from the files, but I’m pretty sure you’re not it. The looks and sounds of you guys might explain why they gave me this game of Cranium. Don’t worry about it being too complicated because it’s not about getting at brains. I’ll walk you through the best I can, even if you look like you’re about to bite my head off right now. I can tell you’re really a bunch of fragile guys trying to keep it together. After all, you’ve all been dragged here against your will and put up for charges for murder, and even I’m surprised you haven’t rebelled yet! This isn’t the time to think about starting, either, so just circle around the board instead of eyeing my head and get ready to play. It’s just too bad playing a game won’t fix the rest of your problems that are so stressful they might be making you go gray. I’m here to keep you company so you don’t become war criminals, but it can’t be too helpful to see those birds and gorillas dropping bombs on one another. This place really gives new meaning to the definition of guerrilla warfare.
With that kind of activity, I wouldn’t blame you if you were worried about being in danger in a place like this. If things get a little too rough, I’ll just have to prove myself with my gun. I’d be willing to show off a little if it’d keep you all amused. It might just help if you already look that bad. … Hey now, I was talking about these guys here, you goat, and when I talk about my rifle, I’m not saying that part of me! … Seems like he got the hint, but I’m not too sure what’s worse about this place, the animals aiming a little too high when it comes to my artillery or the fact that it’s bound to trigger an explosive reaction from you guys. … But I'm getting ahead of myself here, so let's take a look at how Haro and I-
… Hey, hey, I thought I told you to stay away from the water, Haro, not go falling in! “Gonna get raped, gonna get raped,” huh? Looks like I’ll just have to jump in and start singing the same tune, too.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Carlton Lassiter
Series: Psych
Age: 32
Job: Firearms Instructor
Canon: Psych is a show about Shawn Spencer, a man who uses his almost godly powers of observation to fool the Santa Barbara Police Department into hiring him as a psychic consultant. Throughout the series, he must keep a few steps ahead of the police in order to keep from being found out; fortunately for him, he is able to do this rather well, seeing as he's blessed with 20 Charisma and 20 Luck. However, it isn't going to be totally easy for him, as there are those who are intent on exposing him as a fraud.
Head Detective Carlton Lassiter is one of those people. As a 10 year veteran of the force, he stands for professionalism and proper procedure. He's a workaholic and a perfectionist by nature; he likes to have everything under control at all times, and cannot accept failure. He is not only like this in his work, but in his personal life as well. While he is uptight, sarcastic, and easily irritable, he is also a very responsible and dependable person, and honest to the point where he'll refuse to take credit that isn't due to him. All of these qualities seem to amount to a man who conducts himself as if he doesn't care what people think of him, but this is only partially true. He may be a hardass, but he does have a desire to be liked, and often seeks approval from those he respects in some rather dorky ways, such as making jokes that often fall flat.
Sample Entry:
For the last time, I have no idea where that music is coming from. Nor do I really care, unless the opening theme from Lassie has some bearing on this investigation. Which it doesn't, so let's move on.
Alright men! You know what we're here for, you all know the plan. Surround the area, secure it, get those people out of there, and make sure this nut behind all of this doesn't make a fast exit into the swamp. It will require finesse and teamwork on all of our parts, so if you'd all cease bickering about who's got the jurisdiction on this and move in, I'm sure the victims would appreciate it. Thanks. Now let's move in, I think I see the perps up ahead.
What the hell are these things? Bears? You think I can shoot one? No, probably not. PETA would probably throw a hissy fit, even if one of them went for my jugular and bled me dry. And before anyone gives me that look, the idea is plausible. They've got batwings for God's sake!
Save? Yes, we're here to save the victims. Now if you'll excuse me-- yes, we are going to save them, I just said that. Why are you all just saying "Save, Save, Save?" over and over again? Look, I already said-- you know what, forget it. I'll show you.
ATTENTION ELIZABETH SAYRE. You are under arrest for kidnapping. Can't give you the count number for that yet, seeing as that's still getting sorted out. Even if it's less than anticipated, don't be expecting leniency from the D.A. Between how long it took to pick out fictional characters from the list, and the fact that all of the names have to be run through again because one of them sounded like an Asian cartoon an officer's kid watched... the D.A.'s out for your blood at this point.
There's no point in hiding, Ms. Sayre. Surrender yourself quickly and peacefully, and this will be as painless as possible. Try to make a run for it, and I'll guarantee --what the hell is on my chest. A name-tag? Who the hell thought it'd be funny to swap this for my badge? Sweet justice, it sparkles. That's just shameful.
Hello, I'm Lassie? Firearms instructor? Ask me to cock my gun? No, I don't think so. Let's get something straight here. My name is Carlton Lassiter. I already have a job, and it isn't what's written on this soul sucking embarrassment of a nametag. If you want to challenge me on that, I'll show you just how well I can cock my gun. I have absolutely no intention of instruc--
Just what are you doing? Yeah, I'm talking to you. You think you're going to pull off some "gansta" moves, holding the gun to the side like that? That throws off the aim! Which is, oh, I don't know, just a bit vital to firing a weapon. How "badass" do you think you'll be when you can't shoot your way out of a paper bag because you can't do something as simple as hold it the right way up? Alright, back up, I'm going to show you how to do this right. And no one mistake this for me taking the job; I'm only doing this place a public service, making sure this idiot doesn't shoot anyone's foot off.
Poll Vote!