(no subject)
I like how "slowing it down" means there's maybe six or seven hours in between batches instead of two or three. You guys are doing an awesome job at voting, so keep it up! We're nearly halfway there!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character name: Lexaeus
Series: Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories
Age: Unknown (assumed in his thirties)
Job: Conflict Mediator
Canon: Kingdom Hearts is the story of a boy (Sora) who goes on fantastical journeys with Donald and Goofy (yes, THAT Donald and Goofy) across a variety of Disney worlds to save the universe with the power of the big-ass key he wields. Chain of Memories, the second installment, is about on Sora's trip through a place called Castle Oblivion, where he is manipulated by the mysterious and dorkier-than-they-are-evil Organization XIII.
Lexeaus is one of the three Organization members who live in the basement of Castle Oblivion, studying memory and the "power of the heart". His hobbies include reading manga, playing puzzle games, and paddling Riku into the ceiling. He is a big, burly earth-element type with power levels over 9000. At the same time he's also quiet, well-spoken, intelligent, extremely loyal to the Organization, and Zexion's man-wife. Other members of the Organization are completely happy take advantage of his loyalty and work-ethic to foist their own chores off on Lexaeus whenever possible (something he mentally complains about frequently, but generally accepts without much outward protest). Because of his steadfast personality, Lexaeus often finds himself playing mediator for his co-workers. Of course, 'mediation' may involve glaring at people until they shut the hell up. But whatever works, right?
Sample Entry:
Good afternoon, campers. From this day forward, I, Lexaeus, will be your new Conflict Mediation counselor. A fact which is as surprising to me as it is to you.
Under other circumstances, I might wonder why a world which seems primarily to exist as a children's playground would need the interference of a stranger to help mediate between the residents. However, I realize that the situation here is unusual, perhaps even abnormal. There is something subtly wrong about this world -- there is no wonder that the trees behave unlike most, given how foul the soil is. The rock is no better; that cliff face is troubling. The dyke on the rock bed should not have cleavage like that; it is natural to no world that I have seen. And I have no doubt the disturbances in this world run far deeper than that.
I admit that I was not the first choice to be your new mediator. There were others. But the first individual had been quite busy of late, and passed the offer on; the second claimed news of a death in the family, and so suggested me as the replacement. While I had been taking some vacation time myself, the job had been passed around enough. I could hardly refuse.
Of course, you may have difficulty accepting me in this post without proof of my credentials. While I cannot offer evidence of past experience, I believe I can show you. I have here two cows. The cows are clearly in conflict: one is small and keeps kicking at the larger cow, which, as you can see, is lowing loudly and displaying a clear threat posture. The first step in mediation is to directly address those involved. Please follow along.
First, determine which cow is being most troublesome; it is the troublemaker that must be addressed. The large one, that is correct; it is clearly antagonizing the other. Draw yourself up to your full height -- those lacking in such may use footstools. Look down your nose at the culprit, drawing your brows together to demonstrate the depths of your displeasure. Curl your lower lip, and reach for your weapon -- you do not need to use it, but you must make the subject well aware that you are willing to, if they make it necessary. Now, sneer slightly. Let me demonstrate.
...Ah. I had not intended to scare the cow off to quite that distance, let alone into the lake. Unfortunately gruesome. However, the first cow is now grazing in complete peace.
As you can see, there is now no conflict.
Poll Vote!
Name: Sebastian Michaelis
Series: Black Butler
Age: appears to be in his mid-twenties
Job: Camp's Answer to Martha Stewart
Canon: Imagine that you're a twelve-year-old boy who's just made a contract with a demon. What on earth do you do with the demon now that you've got him? If you answered "make him your butler!" you'd be correct. Sebastian Michaelis is the demonic butler of the Phantomhive household. He cooks, cleans, and makes larger-than-life chocolate sculptures in an entire afternoon. When he's not busy with the duties involved with running an absolutely impeccable household, he spends his time feeding local cats, which he finds cuter than his pet back in hell (a tentacle monster).
To the outside world, Sebastian invariably displays a mild and polite (if not a bit weary) smile. Internally, however, he's often internally--and externally, when he can get away with it--monologuing at length about the various horrible punishments he'd like to inflict on the incompetent humans surrounding him. He has a sadistic streak a mile wide and isn't afraid to indulge it, especially since he's capable of turning any household implement into a deadly weapon... and he can't be killed.
Though his dedication to his master, Ciel, is mostly due to their contract, every so often he shows a hint of real affection towards the boy. It's the same kind of affection he shows his pet cats.
Sample Post:
Aah, Madam Director, this simply won't do. No, it won't do at all. I understand that living in a swamp necessitates a certain sacrifice of comfort, but this is nothing short of a disgrace. There is no excuse for a tea set that does not match the tablecloth! If you must insist on using that stained and disgusti-- er, "well-used" piece of cloth on your table, at the very least you should ensure that the spots are the same tint as whatever is growing on the dishes.
I feel it is my duty to note that the tentacle monster inhabiting your lake is sub-par. As someone who has a certain amount of knowledge in the care and keeping of such pets, it is my suggestion that you examine its source of food. Is it getting the highest quality of screaming virgins on a weekly, if not daily basis? I realize that some experts consider virgins to be too rich of a food for daily use, but as your tentacle monster seems to be rather sickly, I believe you should consider it as a temporary measure, until it regains its health. It is bad form to entertain company in the presence of an ill pet.
As far as entertaining company goes, I will also have to lodge a complaint about your maids. While I am fully aware that the appearance person's maid often reflects certain inner desires of their mind that displaying in any other circumstance would be seen as a breach of propriety, employing the undead is taking that concept too far. I do not care what goes on in your bedroom, Madam Director, nor do I have any desire to learn the details, but please try to tone down the visible evidence of your fetishes. These zombie maids of yours cannot even brew a proper pot of tea without shedding bits of themselves into it. Generally the question of "One lump or two?" refers to sugar, not messes of rotting flesh and blood.
Relatedly, it is with, ah, great regret that I inform you that in my attempt to whip your entirely lacking body of servants--and believe me, I do mean that, as their bodies are quite lacking of the proper pieces--into shape, I am afraid I have made it necessary for several to be replaced. Accidentally, of course. They seem to have taken my helpful hints about proper posture a bit too literally, and did a little more than just straighten their spines. But I am sure it is of no matter. You can replace them at the same time you replace the drapes.
It's important for the carpet to match the drapes, after all.
Poll Vote!
Character: Gourry Gabriev
Series: Slayers
Age: 23
Job: Hair Care Instructor
Canon: Set in a magical fantasy world full of magic and fantasy and fish people, Slayers is the saga of sorceress Lina Inverse as she travels around the world. In the course of her zany adventures she and her friends must face breakfast, explosions, lunch, monsters, dinner, bigger explosions, second dinner, saving the world, and post-post-dinner all-you-can-eat buffets! With her as always is Gourry, her jellyfish-brained protector/sidekick/prompter of plot exposition/completely oblivious love interest. At times it seems like he may riding the short carriage, but he's a capable mercenary, and he's perceptive in his own way. Sort of. He's also the best swordsman you could ever hope to meet, and a generally good guy. At least, when he's not fixating on Lina's considerable boobie deficiency.
Sample Post:
"Hello. My name is Gourry Gabriev, and I'm your new Camp Friendly Unicorn Dayspa Hair Care Instructor." Flip hair. "I'm here today to tell you all about the wild world of product. 'But Mr. Gabriev,' you say, 'I already know everything there is to know about maintaining my pristine, shimmering river of flowing bishonen hair.' Ha ha ha. I am sure you do, Timmy, but just in case, let's look at the three ways in which CFUD has improved its line of salon-grade beauty products." Drat, which cue card comes next?
"But wait, there's more. Let's take a look at camp's new featured shampoo." Display product and press button on brainwashing device. Which button? There are a lot of them. Is this even okay? I don't think this is okay... Ahem. "First up, we have Gerbil Essences. This all-natural shampoo is made from only the most newly-squeezed rodent extract - fresh, not frozen. That's right, ladies, this is the real organic experience." Moan here. "Aah, aah."
Um... actually, can I stop for just a second and say something? I'm really starting to think there's something weird about this day spa. I mean, I don't know a lot about spas, but this place is suspicious any way you look at it. Zombies? Suspicious. Onsen walruses... walrusi? Walru... si... ses... whatever. They're suspicious. And Tuesday's soup? That's not only suspicious, it doesn't even taste good! I barely finished my second helping! Even the place's name is suspicious when you find out that the unicorns aren't even a little friendly!
I wish Lina were around. She'd know exactly what's wrong with this place. Speaking of, I actually came here looking for Lina Inverse, so has anybody seen her? Short, no chest, trails of fire in her wake... she's probably explaining this whole thing to somebody right now. You'll know it's her because she's been talking for about three hours. If you have some crayons or something, I can draw a pretty good likeness...
Oh, right. The script. Sorry. "Next is Disembodied Head and Shoulders. Say goodbye to that dandruff. That's the Axe effect. Strong enough for a man, but made for three-fourths of one. Because you're worth it."
Poll Vote!
Character: Katsuragi Misato
Series: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Age: 29
Job: Sanitary Inspector
Canon: In A.D. 2015 war was beginning. Mysterious life forms called Angels have begun to attack the city of Tokyo-3, and the fate of humanity rests in the hands of three slightly mentally unbalanced teenagers and their badass giant mechs (also known as Evas). Intricate plots, political intrigue, existentialism, shounen retards emo kids, SYMBOLISM!!1, and a franchise that keeps on giving and giving. This is EVAAAAAAA.
Misato is the Operations Manager at NERV (the organization who created the Evas), meaning she's the strategist who tells the kids when and how to fight. When on duty, she is a smart, capable woman who takes her responsibilities very seriously... Outside of work, she is a teenager trapped in the body of a 29 year-old woman who lives solely on instant food and beer. Her sense of hygiene isn't the best, either, and the most accurate way to describe her apartment would be as a disaster zone. Outgoing, lazy, and immature -- but with a heart of gold -- Misato is a loyal friend (and sometimes maternal figure) who will always try her best in everything she does.
Sample Post:
Hello, hello, everyone~ My name's Misato and starting today I will be your appointed Sanitary Inspector! I honestly have no idea how you've managed to survive without one this long, but you shouldn't worry now that I'm here to help out! This job, it was made for me~
First, I would like to direct everyone's attention to the lake. That radioactive glow it emits? Absolutely unhealthy! I've already ordered a couple hundred pairs of sunglasses for you to wear during the day, and once the sun sets and you're ready to go to bed, all you have to do is wear a night mask to protect your retinae. Easy enough and way cheaper than attempting to purify the water in the lake, right?
Too bad we can't do something like that with the zombies and all the noise pollution they cause. Earplugs wouldn't help, since they'd also prevent you from hearing other people's occasional cries for help when the vines are getting too touchy-feely. So! I think the solution here is clearly to keep your eyes wide open and whenever you see a zombie's tongue fall out of their mouth, grab it and throw it into the lake! It won't do much for the moaning and grunting, but it will at least reduce the amount of "braaaiiiins" you get to hear. And hey, you could even have fun with the tongues once you get enough practice, like skipping stones!
Also, someone needs to let the people in the kitchen know about the ninja... penguins they have living in the fridge. It's not nice to flip out and throw shurikens at people when they're just trying to grab a cold drink! I understand how things like penguinja, purple gorillas, and onsen walruses could be considered a tourist attraction around here, but has anyone really bothered checking them for rabies?
In fact, I think that should be our first group task! Here, why don't you try and lure the walruses out of the onsen with crab? Careful with the singing one, though! We don't wanna get in trouble. Meanwhile, I'll be over here supervising the operation and instructing you on what to do next! Oh, and would you mind getting me a drink? Something tells me we're gonna be here for a loooong whil-- ... wait, what? You're not really serious, are you?
... B-But why is the beer gone?
Poll Vote!
Character Name: “L”
Series: Death Note
Age: 24
Job: Instructor of Reasoning and Survival
Canon: L is the greatest detective in the world. And his face is almost never seen, due to the great caution he takes in protecting himself and his true identity. He is exceptionally intelligent but often lost in his own mind and since he thinks mathematically he is prone to second-guessing himself. In speech he is calm, formal and didactic but not always polite. In fact, he can be flat out insulting to people since he is often frank to the point of rudeness. L is child-like in nature and openly admits to it. He is a sore loser and, since he approaches investigations the way others would approach a game, he takes extreme measures to never lose. His methods for solving cases can be legal, questionable or obviously illegal. For example, he is not above having death-row criminals prematurely killed and he once abducted a pop star and tied her down to live, bound, under 24-hour surveillance for a month because he suspected her of being a psychic killer. L is not sinister, just fanatical in his pursuit of justice. If he suspects you in the least he’ll keep an eye on you. And you’ll hate every second of it.
Sample Entry:
[User login-Voice Synthesis Activated]
Hello, children.
Please call me “Ryuzaki”. Director-san hired me to come work in your ah…lovely camp here. I will be your instructor in reasoning. You are probably wondering; why would reasoning be of any benefit here? In a place that defies reason? Ah, but even in the most chaotic of places you can avoid disaster if you think things through. This gorilla, here, for example, might not have fallen into this pit if it had observed the patterns to the traps that I have laid out. Oh, do not worry; it is quite fine, merely sleeping. I assure you that none of you will come to harm during my lessons if you pay close attention.
My point, children, is that in hostile environments it is crucial to keep a level head. During our training I will be drilling you, testing your skills, and hopefully you will all learn from the experience. That is, after all, what I am being paid for. Just remember that our minds are what separate us the most from the zombies and other beasts that live in those woods. When I am done, you will know that those strange cords and vines hanging from the trees are, in fact, dangerous appendages used to trap prey. You will know that swinging upon them could have disastrous consequences. As you can see, that velociraptor was not so wise. Worry not, that was not set up by myself, that was a natural Camp occurrence with some fine timing to it. Such things are merely improbable, which is not the same as impossible. The odds of that happening when it did were only about ten…no…five percent, it is true, but they were not zero. I will teach you about that as well.
Remember that in a chaotic environment, assessing the risks of the day ahead is not always easy; it requires intimate understanding of the world around you. And, yes, it is a world that most would prefer to avoid whenever possible, as it often attempts to get intimate with you.I am afraid, however, that direct confrontation will be required. After all, if you wish to avoid being harmed by the creature in the lake, is it not best to comprehend its behavioral patterns? When does it sleep? Does it sleep? Is it at all conscious of the victims it grabs or does it take people away without bias? You will be required to bring arms to such lessons, of course, as Architeuthis lacus is part of camp infamy for a reason. Lonely, curious beasts of that size are especially dangerous when tentacles are involved. I should not have to explain why. The Moogle System would fail to heal the trauma caused by such hazards. All the more reason to be aware.
I think that perhaps Monday would be a good time for me to begin my lessons… In fact…I have no doubt. Monday it is. Our first class shall be "Probability And Its Applications To Reliability, Quality Control, And Risk Assessment". Anybody desiring to attend must go to the edge of the woods by the Mess Hall at noon to await further instruction. If my hypothesis is correct, from all I have observed, this should be just after a shaved gorilla runs through the Camp. Do not ask why it is shaved; just know that it will be if the toucans have their way, intervening circumstances permitting. Of course I will not be there in person, but there will be a computer set up much like this one is. Remember, the computer does have a camera and a speaker installed, so do not think I cannot see or hear what you are doing. Please be on time, as I will only be online for five minutes. Punctuality is vital. Camp hazards will not wait for you and neither shall I.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Zhuge Liang (Kongming)
Series: Warriors Orochi
Age: Mid-to-late twenties
Job: Director's Advisor/Camper Liasion
Canon: So let's say there's this great video game about a bunch of dead Chinese dudes beating the snot out of each other - what could be better? A game about a bunch of dead Japanese dudes beating the snot out of each other, of course! And what could be even better than that? Throwing the dead Chinese guys and the dead Japanese guys randomly into the same game, together with a necromancing snake demon overlord and a dancing 1000 year old fox demon, and then making them all fight each other! And this, my friends, is the manic beat-'em-up that we call Warriors Orochi!
As for Zhuge Kongming, he could arguably be called the greatest strategist of the Three Kingdoms period of China. He also served as Prime Minister to the virtuous lord Liu Bei of Shu... after testing his honor and worthiness a little bit, of course! To hear Kongming tell it, though, he is but a simple scholar who would much rather be plowing his fields back home than dealing with the world of politics. That humble, patient exterior, however, belies a man who is cunning, calculating, sly, a master of the arts of warfare and strategy, and has more than a bit of a wicked sense of humor...
And unfortunately for the heroes of Warriors Orochi, he is also a man who has mysteriously decided to side with the demonic warlord Orochi against them! But that, as with many other things involving Kongming, may also not be as straight-forward as it seems...
Sample Entry:
Madame Director:
I would like to begin by extending my humble thanks for the envoy you have so generously provided to escort me throughout the camp. If I am understanding him correctly, I believe he has said his name is Urg, and he is a friendly fellow, indeed. I am afraid that when I first saw him, however, he was having some trouble mounting his steed; the first obstacle, of course, being that his 'steed' was a goat, and the second being that he seems to have no idea that he was not supposed to mount it from behind. And while the poor fellow's skills of debate and oration could also use some work - probably owing to him only having half a jaw - he does manage to play a formidable game of go. He has been quite some help indeed, and I would like to thank you again for providing him to me.
While I have set brush to paper, I would also like to compliment your elite gorilla guards. They are quite well-trained and enthusiastic about their duties - not a single trespasser on their watch goes unmolested, be they man, monkey, or elephant. Even I was accosted as I announced myself to their guard, and were it not for a bit of quick thinking, an inflatable octopus, and a duck, I am afraid that I, too, would have succumbed to being penetrated by their long, thrusting spears.
Your skies in this encampment are awe-inspiring, as well. While I am used to mansions of the heavens such as the Stomach, the Heart, and the Straddling Legs, I never dreamed there would be constellations such as Tentacle, One-Eyed Monster, and Two Goats in Coitus. Perhaps most fascinating is the constellation Urg pointed out, Haado Gei - the especially bright flickering of the pelvic region almost makes one believe the stars themselves are dancing. Unfortunately, all Urg could say when I questioned him about it was 'hooooooooooo', but I mention it in hopes Your Excellency should have an explanation for this unusual phenomenon.
Finally, if I could trouble you with a humble request, I would be forever in your debt. I have a certain special project that I would like to undertake for the 'benefit' of our young and idle campers. It would require only a few pails of paint, a maiden's robe, glitter, a bit of lubricant, some combustible material, and a few light crossbows. If I might have these few things, you should not be troubled with the campers for at least the next few weeks.
Hoping this letter finds you in good health and of the same gender,
Your servant,
Liang
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Yue Ying
Character Age: 23
Canon: Warriors Orochi
Job: Maintenance
Canon: How to make a Warriors Orochi: Preheat your Astral
Plane to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, combine warriors from 3rd
century China and 16th century Japan. Stir in mass havoc with a pair
of demons. Add family drama to taste. Bake until golden and flaky.
Serves 1-2 players.
Now, Yue Ying may not be the most important ingredient in this game, but
without her, the story as it relates to the kingdom of Shu would lose
quite a bit of intrigue. She enters the story in a cage, captured by
the Demon King Orochi and needing YOUR rescue. Not content to be some
demon's plaything, she quickly joins up with the resistance fighters
only to find that her husband, the great strategist of Shu, is under the
employ of none other than Orochi himself!
Her portrayal in Warriors Orochi is identical to her Dynasty Warriors
incarnations; she is, after all, the same person. Calm, logical, a
mechanical genius, and devoted both to her duty and her husband. In
Warriors Orochi, duty and marriage are brought into conflict for the
first time for her, and it's in this game that we learn that in this
case? Duty triumphs over even love. And that's what makes her who she
is; a warrior who will put what is right ahead of everything
else, including her own desires.
Sample Entry:
With the events of last Tuesday's "Frijole Fiesta Fiasco" still fresh in
our minds, I would like to precede this week's maintenance report with
a reminder that if something in camp is broken, I can't very well fix it
if I'm not aware it's broken in the first place. Therefore, before you
attempt to patch a cracked pipe that's blasting highly pressurized
"Sayre's Revenge" with popsicle sticks and glue, please stop and think
for a moment. Are you doing more harm than good by adding yet
another sticky mess to the problem? If the answer is yes, maybe, or
a blank stare, then I strongly suggest that you leave things as you
found them. Even if they're painting the walls brown. Even if they're
bringing about the apocalypse! Everything will be repaired so much more
smoothly and with far less blood, sweat, and tears if you would just
fetch me at the first sign of trouble. Not when you're up to
your knees in it.
It is my hope that we can now put this entire debacle behind us,
especially seeing as how the source of the problem has been located and
removed. And before any of you start screaming for blood, I have
already personally dealt with the culprit. I will gladly repeat
what was discussed- not because I wish for you to discern the identity
of the culprit based on my statements and therefore exact your own brand
of vigilante justice- but because I would very much like to not
have to retrieve another shrunken head from the pipes.
So campers, please. For everyone's sake, if you are going to listen to
only one thing I say today, let this be it! The latrines are for food
that has been eaten and at least partially digested only. Not
for snacks that you may be saving for later!
I am pleased to report that this was the only serious matter requiring
my attention, though I'm frequently occupied with smaller
inconveniences. It would be of great help to me if everyone were to
treat camp property with a little more respect than they gave their own
belongings. I believe it would reduce frustration with the facilities
in camp, which would allow us all to be a little more patient with one
another, which would mean far fewer bodies for me to retrieve from under
the floorboards.
Keep that in mind, campers. I'll see you again next week.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character name: Lexaeus
Series: Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories
Age: Unknown (assumed in his thirties)
Job: Conflict Mediator
Canon: Kingdom Hearts is the story of a boy (Sora) who goes on fantastical journeys with Donald and Goofy (yes, THAT Donald and Goofy) across a variety of Disney worlds to save the universe with the power of the big-ass key he wields. Chain of Memories, the second installment, is about on Sora's trip through a place called Castle Oblivion, where he is manipulated by the mysterious and dorkier-than-they-are-evil Organization XIII.
Lexeaus is one of the three Organization members who live in the basement of Castle Oblivion, studying memory and the "power of the heart". His hobbies include reading manga, playing puzzle games, and paddling Riku into the ceiling. He is a big, burly earth-element type with power levels over 9000. At the same time he's also quiet, well-spoken, intelligent, extremely loyal to the Organization, and Zexion's man-wife. Other members of the Organization are completely happy take advantage of his loyalty and work-ethic to foist their own chores off on Lexaeus whenever possible (something he mentally complains about frequently, but generally accepts without much outward protest). Because of his steadfast personality, Lexaeus often finds himself playing mediator for his co-workers. Of course, 'mediation' may involve glaring at people until they shut the hell up. But whatever works, right?
Sample Entry:
Good afternoon, campers. From this day forward, I, Lexaeus, will be your new Conflict Mediation counselor. A fact which is as surprising to me as it is to you.
Under other circumstances, I might wonder why a world which seems primarily to exist as a children's playground would need the interference of a stranger to help mediate between the residents. However, I realize that the situation here is unusual, perhaps even abnormal. There is something subtly wrong about this world -- there is no wonder that the trees behave unlike most, given how foul the soil is. The rock is no better; that cliff face is troubling. The dyke on the rock bed should not have cleavage like that; it is natural to no world that I have seen. And I have no doubt the disturbances in this world run far deeper than that.
I admit that I was not the first choice to be your new mediator. There were others. But the first individual had been quite busy of late, and passed the offer on; the second claimed news of a death in the family, and so suggested me as the replacement. While I had been taking some vacation time myself, the job had been passed around enough. I could hardly refuse.
Of course, you may have difficulty accepting me in this post without proof of my credentials. While I cannot offer evidence of past experience, I believe I can show you. I have here two cows. The cows are clearly in conflict: one is small and keeps kicking at the larger cow, which, as you can see, is lowing loudly and displaying a clear threat posture. The first step in mediation is to directly address those involved. Please follow along.
First, determine which cow is being most troublesome; it is the troublemaker that must be addressed. The large one, that is correct; it is clearly antagonizing the other. Draw yourself up to your full height -- those lacking in such may use footstools. Look down your nose at the culprit, drawing your brows together to demonstrate the depths of your displeasure. Curl your lower lip, and reach for your weapon -- you do not need to use it, but you must make the subject well aware that you are willing to, if they make it necessary. Now, sneer slightly. Let me demonstrate.
...Ah. I had not intended to scare the cow off to quite that distance, let alone into the lake. Unfortunately gruesome. However, the first cow is now grazing in complete peace.
As you can see, there is now no conflict.
Poll Vote!
Name: Sebastian Michaelis
Series: Black Butler
Age: appears to be in his mid-twenties
Job: Camp's Answer to Martha Stewart
Canon: Imagine that you're a twelve-year-old boy who's just made a contract with a demon. What on earth do you do with the demon now that you've got him? If you answered "make him your butler!" you'd be correct. Sebastian Michaelis is the demonic butler of the Phantomhive household. He cooks, cleans, and makes larger-than-life chocolate sculptures in an entire afternoon. When he's not busy with the duties involved with running an absolutely impeccable household, he spends his time feeding local cats, which he finds cuter than his pet back in hell (a tentacle monster).
To the outside world, Sebastian invariably displays a mild and polite (if not a bit weary) smile. Internally, however, he's often internally--and externally, when he can get away with it--monologuing at length about the various horrible punishments he'd like to inflict on the incompetent humans surrounding him. He has a sadistic streak a mile wide and isn't afraid to indulge it, especially since he's capable of turning any household implement into a deadly weapon... and he can't be killed.
Though his dedication to his master, Ciel, is mostly due to their contract, every so often he shows a hint of real affection towards the boy. It's the same kind of affection he shows his pet cats.
Sample Post:
Aah, Madam Director, this simply won't do. No, it won't do at all. I understand that living in a swamp necessitates a certain sacrifice of comfort, but this is nothing short of a disgrace. There is no excuse for a tea set that does not match the tablecloth! If you must insist on using that stained and disgusti-- er, "well-used" piece of cloth on your table, at the very least you should ensure that the spots are the same tint as whatever is growing on the dishes.
I feel it is my duty to note that the tentacle monster inhabiting your lake is sub-par. As someone who has a certain amount of knowledge in the care and keeping of such pets, it is my suggestion that you examine its source of food. Is it getting the highest quality of screaming virgins on a weekly, if not daily basis? I realize that some experts consider virgins to be too rich of a food for daily use, but as your tentacle monster seems to be rather sickly, I believe you should consider it as a temporary measure, until it regains its health. It is bad form to entertain company in the presence of an ill pet.
As far as entertaining company goes, I will also have to lodge a complaint about your maids. While I am fully aware that the appearance person's maid often reflects certain inner desires of their mind that displaying in any other circumstance would be seen as a breach of propriety, employing the undead is taking that concept too far. I do not care what goes on in your bedroom, Madam Director, nor do I have any desire to learn the details, but please try to tone down the visible evidence of your fetishes. These zombie maids of yours cannot even brew a proper pot of tea without shedding bits of themselves into it. Generally the question of "One lump or two?" refers to sugar, not messes of rotting flesh and blood.
Relatedly, it is with, ah, great regret that I inform you that in my attempt to whip your entirely lacking body of servants--and believe me, I do mean that, as their bodies are quite lacking of the proper pieces--into shape, I am afraid I have made it necessary for several to be replaced. Accidentally, of course. They seem to have taken my helpful hints about proper posture a bit too literally, and did a little more than just straighten their spines. But I am sure it is of no matter. You can replace them at the same time you replace the drapes.
It's important for the carpet to match the drapes, after all.
Poll Vote!
Character: Gourry Gabriev
Series: Slayers
Age: 23
Job: Hair Care Instructor
Canon: Set in a magical fantasy world full of magic and fantasy and fish people, Slayers is the saga of sorceress Lina Inverse as she travels around the world. In the course of her zany adventures she and her friends must face breakfast, explosions, lunch, monsters, dinner, bigger explosions, second dinner, saving the world, and post-post-dinner all-you-can-eat buffets! With her as always is Gourry, her jellyfish-brained protector/sidekick/prompter of plot exposition/completely oblivious love interest. At times it seems like he may riding the short carriage, but he's a capable mercenary, and he's perceptive in his own way. Sort of. He's also the best swordsman you could ever hope to meet, and a generally good guy. At least, when he's not fixating on Lina's considerable boobie deficiency.
Sample Post:
"Hello. My name is Gourry Gabriev, and I'm your new Camp Friendly Unicorn Dayspa Hair Care Instructor." Flip hair. "I'm here today to tell you all about the wild world of product. 'But Mr. Gabriev,' you say, 'I already know everything there is to know about maintaining my pristine, shimmering river of flowing bishonen hair.' Ha ha ha. I am sure you do, Timmy, but just in case, let's look at the three ways in which CFUD has improved its line of salon-grade beauty products." Drat, which cue card comes next?
"But wait, there's more. Let's take a look at camp's new featured shampoo." Display product and press button on brainwashing device. Which button? There are a lot of them. Is this even okay? I don't think this is okay... Ahem. "First up, we have Gerbil Essences. This all-natural shampoo is made from only the most newly-squeezed rodent extract - fresh, not frozen. That's right, ladies, this is the real organic experience." Moan here. "Aah, aah."
Um... actually, can I stop for just a second and say something? I'm really starting to think there's something weird about this day spa. I mean, I don't know a lot about spas, but this place is suspicious any way you look at it. Zombies? Suspicious. Onsen walruses... walrusi? Walru... si... ses... whatever. They're suspicious. And Tuesday's soup? That's not only suspicious, it doesn't even taste good! I barely finished my second helping! Even the place's name is suspicious when you find out that the unicorns aren't even a little friendly!
I wish Lina were around. She'd know exactly what's wrong with this place. Speaking of, I actually came here looking for Lina Inverse, so has anybody seen her? Short, no chest, trails of fire in her wake... she's probably explaining this whole thing to somebody right now. You'll know it's her because she's been talking for about three hours. If you have some crayons or something, I can draw a pretty good likeness...
Oh, right. The script. Sorry. "Next is Disembodied Head and Shoulders. Say goodbye to that dandruff. That's the Axe effect. Strong enough for a man, but made for three-fourths of one. Because you're worth it."
Poll Vote!
Character: Katsuragi Misato
Series: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Age: 29
Job: Sanitary Inspector
Canon: In A.D. 2015 war was beginning. Mysterious life forms called Angels have begun to attack the city of Tokyo-3, and the fate of humanity rests in the hands of three slightly mentally unbalanced teenagers and their badass giant mechs (also known as Evas). Intricate plots, political intrigue, existentialism, shounen retards emo kids, SYMBOLISM!!1, and a franchise that keeps on giving and giving. This is EVAAAAAAA.
Misato is the Operations Manager at NERV (the organization who created the Evas), meaning she's the strategist who tells the kids when and how to fight. When on duty, she is a smart, capable woman who takes her responsibilities very seriously... Outside of work, she is a teenager trapped in the body of a 29 year-old woman who lives solely on instant food and beer. Her sense of hygiene isn't the best, either, and the most accurate way to describe her apartment would be as a disaster zone. Outgoing, lazy, and immature -- but with a heart of gold -- Misato is a loyal friend (and sometimes maternal figure) who will always try her best in everything she does.
Sample Post:
Hello, hello, everyone~ My name's Misato and starting today I will be your appointed Sanitary Inspector! I honestly have no idea how you've managed to survive without one this long, but you shouldn't worry now that I'm here to help out! This job, it was made for me~
First, I would like to direct everyone's attention to the lake. That radioactive glow it emits? Absolutely unhealthy! I've already ordered a couple hundred pairs of sunglasses for you to wear during the day, and once the sun sets and you're ready to go to bed, all you have to do is wear a night mask to protect your retinae. Easy enough and way cheaper than attempting to purify the water in the lake, right?
Too bad we can't do something like that with the zombies and all the noise pollution they cause. Earplugs wouldn't help, since they'd also prevent you from hearing other people's occasional cries for help when the vines are getting too touchy-feely. So! I think the solution here is clearly to keep your eyes wide open and whenever you see a zombie's tongue fall out of their mouth, grab it and throw it into the lake! It won't do much for the moaning and grunting, but it will at least reduce the amount of "braaaiiiins" you get to hear. And hey, you could even have fun with the tongues once you get enough practice, like skipping stones!
Also, someone needs to let the people in the kitchen know about the ninja... penguins they have living in the fridge. It's not nice to flip out and throw shurikens at people when they're just trying to grab a cold drink! I understand how things like penguinja, purple gorillas, and onsen walruses could be considered a tourist attraction around here, but has anyone really bothered checking them for rabies?
In fact, I think that should be our first group task! Here, why don't you try and lure the walruses out of the onsen with crab? Careful with the singing one, though! We don't wanna get in trouble. Meanwhile, I'll be over here supervising the operation and instructing you on what to do next! Oh, and would you mind getting me a drink? Something tells me we're gonna be here for a loooong whil-- ... wait, what? You're not really serious, are you?
... B-But why is the beer gone?
Poll Vote!
Character Name: “L”
Series: Death Note
Age: 24
Job: Instructor of Reasoning and Survival
Canon: L is the greatest detective in the world. And his face is almost never seen, due to the great caution he takes in protecting himself and his true identity. He is exceptionally intelligent but often lost in his own mind and since he thinks mathematically he is prone to second-guessing himself. In speech he is calm, formal and didactic but not always polite. In fact, he can be flat out insulting to people since he is often frank to the point of rudeness. L is child-like in nature and openly admits to it. He is a sore loser and, since he approaches investigations the way others would approach a game, he takes extreme measures to never lose. His methods for solving cases can be legal, questionable or obviously illegal. For example, he is not above having death-row criminals prematurely killed and he once abducted a pop star and tied her down to live, bound, under 24-hour surveillance for a month because he suspected her of being a psychic killer. L is not sinister, just fanatical in his pursuit of justice. If he suspects you in the least he’ll keep an eye on you. And you’ll hate every second of it.
Sample Entry:
[User login-Voice Synthesis Activated]
Hello, children.
Please call me “Ryuzaki”. Director-san hired me to come work in your ah…lovely camp here. I will be your instructor in reasoning. You are probably wondering; why would reasoning be of any benefit here? In a place that defies reason? Ah, but even in the most chaotic of places you can avoid disaster if you think things through. This gorilla, here, for example, might not have fallen into this pit if it had observed the patterns to the traps that I have laid out. Oh, do not worry; it is quite fine, merely sleeping. I assure you that none of you will come to harm during my lessons if you pay close attention.
My point, children, is that in hostile environments it is crucial to keep a level head. During our training I will be drilling you, testing your skills, and hopefully you will all learn from the experience. That is, after all, what I am being paid for. Just remember that our minds are what separate us the most from the zombies and other beasts that live in those woods. When I am done, you will know that those strange cords and vines hanging from the trees are, in fact, dangerous appendages used to trap prey. You will know that swinging upon them could have disastrous consequences. As you can see, that velociraptor was not so wise. Worry not, that was not set up by myself, that was a natural Camp occurrence with some fine timing to it. Such things are merely improbable, which is not the same as impossible. The odds of that happening when it did were only about ten…no…five percent, it is true, but they were not zero. I will teach you about that as well.
Remember that in a chaotic environment, assessing the risks of the day ahead is not always easy; it requires intimate understanding of the world around you. And, yes, it is a world that most would prefer to avoid whenever possible, as it often attempts to get intimate with you.I am afraid, however, that direct confrontation will be required. After all, if you wish to avoid being harmed by the creature in the lake, is it not best to comprehend its behavioral patterns? When does it sleep? Does it sleep? Is it at all conscious of the victims it grabs or does it take people away without bias? You will be required to bring arms to such lessons, of course, as Architeuthis lacus is part of camp infamy for a reason. Lonely, curious beasts of that size are especially dangerous when tentacles are involved. I should not have to explain why. The Moogle System would fail to heal the trauma caused by such hazards. All the more reason to be aware.
I think that perhaps Monday would be a good time for me to begin my lessons… In fact…I have no doubt. Monday it is. Our first class shall be "Probability And Its Applications To Reliability, Quality Control, And Risk Assessment". Anybody desiring to attend must go to the edge of the woods by the Mess Hall at noon to await further instruction. If my hypothesis is correct, from all I have observed, this should be just after a shaved gorilla runs through the Camp. Do not ask why it is shaved; just know that it will be if the toucans have their way, intervening circumstances permitting. Of course I will not be there in person, but there will be a computer set up much like this one is. Remember, the computer does have a camera and a speaker installed, so do not think I cannot see or hear what you are doing. Please be on time, as I will only be online for five minutes. Punctuality is vital. Camp hazards will not wait for you and neither shall I.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Zhuge Liang (Kongming)
Series: Warriors Orochi
Age: Mid-to-late twenties
Job: Director's Advisor/Camper Liasion
Canon: So let's say there's this great video game about a bunch of dead Chinese dudes beating the snot out of each other - what could be better? A game about a bunch of dead Japanese dudes beating the snot out of each other, of course! And what could be even better than that? Throwing the dead Chinese guys and the dead Japanese guys randomly into the same game, together with a necromancing snake demon overlord and a dancing 1000 year old fox demon, and then making them all fight each other! And this, my friends, is the manic beat-'em-up that we call Warriors Orochi!
As for Zhuge Kongming, he could arguably be called the greatest strategist of the Three Kingdoms period of China. He also served as Prime Minister to the virtuous lord Liu Bei of Shu... after testing his honor and worthiness a little bit, of course! To hear Kongming tell it, though, he is but a simple scholar who would much rather be plowing his fields back home than dealing with the world of politics. That humble, patient exterior, however, belies a man who is cunning, calculating, sly, a master of the arts of warfare and strategy, and has more than a bit of a wicked sense of humor...
And unfortunately for the heroes of Warriors Orochi, he is also a man who has mysteriously decided to side with the demonic warlord Orochi against them! But that, as with many other things involving Kongming, may also not be as straight-forward as it seems...
Sample Entry:
Madame Director:
I would like to begin by extending my humble thanks for the envoy you have so generously provided to escort me throughout the camp. If I am understanding him correctly, I believe he has said his name is Urg, and he is a friendly fellow, indeed. I am afraid that when I first saw him, however, he was having some trouble mounting his steed; the first obstacle, of course, being that his 'steed' was a goat, and the second being that he seems to have no idea that he was not supposed to mount it from behind. And while the poor fellow's skills of debate and oration could also use some work - probably owing to him only having half a jaw - he does manage to play a formidable game of go. He has been quite some help indeed, and I would like to thank you again for providing him to me.
While I have set brush to paper, I would also like to compliment your elite gorilla guards. They are quite well-trained and enthusiastic about their duties - not a single trespasser on their watch goes unmolested, be they man, monkey, or elephant. Even I was accosted as I announced myself to their guard, and were it not for a bit of quick thinking, an inflatable octopus, and a duck, I am afraid that I, too, would have succumbed to being penetrated by their long, thrusting spears.
Your skies in this encampment are awe-inspiring, as well. While I am used to mansions of the heavens such as the Stomach, the Heart, and the Straddling Legs, I never dreamed there would be constellations such as Tentacle, One-Eyed Monster, and Two Goats in Coitus. Perhaps most fascinating is the constellation Urg pointed out, Haado Gei - the especially bright flickering of the pelvic region almost makes one believe the stars themselves are dancing. Unfortunately, all Urg could say when I questioned him about it was 'hooooooooooo', but I mention it in hopes Your Excellency should have an explanation for this unusual phenomenon.
Finally, if I could trouble you with a humble request, I would be forever in your debt. I have a certain special project that I would like to undertake for the 'benefit' of our young and idle campers. It would require only a few pails of paint, a maiden's robe, glitter, a bit of lubricant, some combustible material, and a few light crossbows. If I might have these few things, you should not be troubled with the campers for at least the next few weeks.
Hoping this letter finds you in good health and of the same gender,
Your servant,
Liang
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Yue Ying
Character Age: 23
Canon: Warriors Orochi
Job: Maintenance
Canon: How to make a Warriors Orochi: Preheat your Astral
Plane to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, combine warriors from 3rd
century China and 16th century Japan. Stir in mass havoc with a pair
of demons. Add family drama to taste. Bake until golden and flaky.
Serves 1-2 players.
Now, Yue Ying may not be the most important ingredient in this game, but
without her, the story as it relates to the kingdom of Shu would lose
quite a bit of intrigue. She enters the story in a cage, captured by
the Demon King Orochi and needing YOUR rescue. Not content to be some
demon's plaything, she quickly joins up with the resistance fighters
only to find that her husband, the great strategist of Shu, is under the
employ of none other than Orochi himself!
Her portrayal in Warriors Orochi is identical to her Dynasty Warriors
incarnations; she is, after all, the same person. Calm, logical, a
mechanical genius, and devoted both to her duty and her husband. In
Warriors Orochi, duty and marriage are brought into conflict for the
first time for her, and it's in this game that we learn that in this
case? Duty triumphs over even love. And that's what makes her who she
is; a warrior who will put what is right ahead of everything
else, including her own desires.
Sample Entry:
With the events of last Tuesday's "Frijole Fiesta Fiasco" still fresh in
our minds, I would like to precede this week's maintenance report with
a reminder that if something in camp is broken, I can't very well fix it
if I'm not aware it's broken in the first place. Therefore, before you
attempt to patch a cracked pipe that's blasting highly pressurized
"Sayre's Revenge" with popsicle sticks and glue, please stop and think
for a moment. Are you doing more harm than good by adding yet
another sticky mess to the problem? If the answer is yes, maybe, or
a blank stare, then I strongly suggest that you leave things as you
found them. Even if they're painting the walls brown. Even if they're
bringing about the apocalypse! Everything will be repaired so much more
smoothly and with far less blood, sweat, and tears if you would just
fetch me at the first sign of trouble. Not when you're up to
your knees in it.
It is my hope that we can now put this entire debacle behind us,
especially seeing as how the source of the problem has been located and
removed. And before any of you start screaming for blood, I have
already personally dealt with the culprit. I will gladly repeat
what was discussed- not because I wish for you to discern the identity
of the culprit based on my statements and therefore exact your own brand
of vigilante justice- but because I would very much like to not
have to retrieve another shrunken head from the pipes.
So campers, please. For everyone's sake, if you are going to listen to
only one thing I say today, let this be it! The latrines are for food
that has been eaten and at least partially digested only. Not
for snacks that you may be saving for later!
I am pleased to report that this was the only serious matter requiring
my attention, though I'm frequently occupied with smaller
inconveniences. It would be of great help to me if everyone were to
treat camp property with a little more respect than they gave their own
belongings. I believe it would reduce frustration with the facilities
in camp, which would allow us all to be a little more patient with one
another, which would mean far fewer bodies for me to retrieve from under
the floorboards.
Keep that in mind, campers. I'll see you again next week.
Poll Vote!