(no subject)
ALL COUNSELORS ARE IN. IS EVERYBODY READY? God, they all look fantastic. EVERYONE OUTDID THEMSELVES THIS TIME.
We will do our best to post counselors quickly and efficiently! Again, there will be minimal weeding - if any counselor applications are missing a job, formatted terribly, or otherwise don't meet standards, we will weed. For now, we're all too crosseyed, so have a round!
HERE IS THE FIRST ROUND.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE! WELL THAT WAS FAST, CLOSED
Character: Rufus Shinra
Series: Final Fantasy VII
Character Age: 23, as of Advent Children
Job: Necessary Face Of Corporate Evil
Canon: Final Fantasy VII was the bestselling classic that had, upon its release, everything sans graphics and a good translation. People wanted more out of their video games, and Square delivered; thus VII is also the game in which everything is bigger - from the plot to the protagonist's hair and sword to his bitchin' archnemesis. Oh, and also the corporate conglomerate with its claws in your purse strings.
Shinra, Inc.: quite possibly the only power company in the world. Shinra keeps afloat by sucking the Planet dry of its life force, pumping the energy extremely efficiently into every single continent inhabited by man, collecting tax dollars, and stamping out anything that looks remotely like competition - occasionally using men in snappy suits. One day, Shinra's employees found their president face-down on his desk with a sword stuck in his back . . . and so we have the story of how ex-Vice President Rufus Shinra came to power in his father's stead.
What kind of president was Rufus Shinra, one might ask? On the night of his promotion he basically told Cloud and company that he planned to rule by making people crap their pants at the mention of his name. Yeah, he's THAT GUY, the shotgun-toting ruthless enemy of planet-loving anarchists, hippies, and the common people. He's cold, calculated, and utterly fearless, with his business mind two steps ahead of the game even when the game is less like Monopoly and more like saving your planet from being blown the hell up. He's prim and proper from his nose to his toes and, even when his name fades into relative obscurity, he remains wrapped up in shady background dealings that inevitably leave him with all the cards in his hand. Because that's just how he rolls.
Sample Post:
To be frank: if a man has a bit of spare change, property shares are not one of the wisest investments he can make. And while I wouldn't call myself a miser, there's really no reason to waste money on things that can be disposed of as quickly as they can be acquired. So I must then confess it's rare for me, to be caught in a real estate deal I find at all difficult to refuse. Men of greater pride than I would cede your Madame Director has a certain way with words.
That said, you all may expect local swampland property values to experience a sudden and sharp increase, the likes of which you have probably never seen and will likely never see again. Why? Shinra, Inc. has . . . well. "Seized" is too strong a word, and implies effort. Let me try that again: Shinra has assumed control of a territory towards the western border, within the confines of your Director's impeccable marvel of engineering that keeps you all detained. An area of relative unimportance, though there is one small problem - I had requested the land be reserved for me and mine. And yet there are campers, doing poorly at what they ought to be doing best: camping; and yet there are undead, doing poorly at menial tasks such as shambling and frothing; and yet there are apes, doing poorly at maintaining their natural color palette. Careless.
This series of disappointments constitutes a slip-up on the part of the Director. It also leaves me with a dilemma - what to do with you all. My apologies if this sounds sinister, but the terms of the contract are clear. Living on Shinra's payroll, inadvertently or otherwise, means working towards the betterment of the company. Be proud - Shinra employ has its benefits. For example, denizens of Shinra territory may notice that their laptops, when charging, behave in an orderly fashion. Music files of illegitimate gain are suddenly legitimized, important text remains important and unmarred by unsightly sparkles . . . more personal files remain secure in childproof folders ironically labeled "do not look here". This is because the electricity flowing through certain cabins is now supplied by Shinra generators. At the mercy of a greater power, errant laptops do well to fear.
While the technology here is unsuited to advanced sources of mechanical energy, a company is little without the ability to improvise. Take a spry undead man and put him in what resembles a turbine, then suspend a piece of fresh raw meat where he can see - but where he can't reach. Take several undead men, several wheels, and several metric tons of cheap meat as supplied by Tuesday chefs . . . it doesn't take an engineer to recognize the ingenuity. On top of the convenience, one need never waste a bullet on the undeserving ever again.
Such benefits beg the question of what do I want from all of you. The answer is simple - cooperation. It gets you far, particularly in such a man-eat-man environment. I'm afraid you're living in cutthroat times in a similarly cutthroat place. Really, your best bet for survival would be allying yourself with the winning hand. And if you're truly dim enough as to have to question which is the winning hand, a little hint: it's the one with the tailored glove and the gun.
Poll Vote!
Character: Godot
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Trials and Tribulations)
Age: 33
Job: Camp Barista
Canon: A mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in something that looks suspiciously like a toaster, Godot is the big question mark of the the third game in the Phoenix Wright series. He is first introduced as the mysterious lawyer whose equal cannot be found in the entire country! A man so impressive that others wait entire lifetimes to merely bask in his glorious presence! The great masked prosecutor who has never lost a single case in his entire career! ...What they neglect to mention, of course, is that he's never won a case, either. In fact, he's never prosecuted before at all. But that doesn't stop him from being incredibly smug and referring to himself as "legendary."
A bit of a hot-shot with an unrivaled love of coffee (he makes his own blends and is known to drink up to 17 cups of the stuff per trial day) and a fierce grudge against Phoenix Wright (or Phoenix Trite, as he calls him), Godot shows up out of nowhere with a huge chip on his shoulder and a patronizing attitude towards everyone, including the presiding judge. He has the tendency to speak in bizarre and obscure metaphors and has his own set of personal rules he loudly proclaims whenever relevant. With all his arrogance, it probably isn't surprising that Godot is a bit condescending when it comes to women. Sure, he does love the ladies, but he often talks down to them and gives them cutesy nicknames, his favourite of all being "Kitten"--although to be fair, he did call Edgeworth that once.
Sample Post:
Ha...! Who could have predicted that it would end up like this? It seems that the man who has emerged from the very depths of Hell and spat in the face of Fate herself has been unceremoniously tossed back, like a fish not big enough to fry. Is this a punishment for treating the fickle mistress Fate like a cheap streetwalker? If so, then it's my mistake, and real men will always stand up and take their punishments, whether they be cruel, unusual, or some unholy combination of both those things! From legendary prosecutor to coffee boy... now like an intern scurrying about the office, like so many ants swarming over their beloved sugar: This is now my place. But a real man doesn't balk from a challenge; a real man will walk the path that life has given to him, whether it's to the courtroom or back into the flames of Hell. I will do this because it's the hand fate has dealt me! Oh yes, I will do as that lovely fawn of a Director says, I will... make your coffee.
Give a poor man an expensive delicacy and he will not enjoy it because he's so used to bread. So what's the point in wasting the strongest of my Godot blends on people used to a few dregs mixed in with hot water! The infamous special blend #107 would be way too much for you to take. Instead, I'll be offering all the old, watered-down favorites; packed full of flavor, but also packed full of artificial happiness. For the lovely lady in line to the left, here: have the Irish Cream. Due to the lack of alcohol, the flavor is artificial, but it will go well with the green fuzz that's growing up your arm! To the fine and friendly girl on my right, try the French Vanilla. Something about the state of your body hair tells me you'll enjoy it. And you with the two heads, why not try a double-double, amigo? Finally, we come to the gentleman with the monocle and the top hat... well, real men don't drink tea, and I'm not about to cater to that sort of order!
And now we come to the exciting finale...! The newest flavor to hit Camp Fuck You Die, straight from my mind to your cup, hot as fire and smooth as silk. I call it "Mistle Mocha (Godot Blend #169)," and it's sure to warm you up this holiday season. Come on now, amigos, take a free sample. The coffee isn't going to bite back, strong as it may be! It's made with the finest extract of camp's favorite weed--bitter, yet enchanting, with an aroma that none can resist.
Ha...! Seems I've whipped these ladies into a frenzy. Sorry to disappoint, my filth-encrusted kittens, but I like my women how I like my coffee. No decaying flesh, that's one of my rules!
Poll Vote!
Character: Superbi Squalo
Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Character Age: 22
Job: Hair Care Instructor
Canon: Katekyo Hitman Reborn! is the tale of one baby's valiant struggle to coach a stubbornly resistant middle schooler into becoming the head of one of the most powerful mafia families in the world, the Vongola. And part of being the head of the Vongola family is having an elite team of assassin geniuses at your disposal - the Varia. Superbi Squalo is the genius swordsman of the Varia, slated to become their boss after he defeated the leader, Tyr. Instead, he "fell in love" with Xanxus's fury and allowed him to take over instead. Squalo then vowed to keep growing his hair until Xanxus became the boss of the Vongola, which means his hair has become rather Sephirothesque. In addition, Squalo cut off his left hand after battling the similarly single-handed Tyr in order to better understand his opponent...although whether or not Tyr also replaced his left hand with an Inspector Gadget-like prosthetic that can flip to extreme angles is anyone's guess.
If you could only describe Squalo with one word, chances are it would be "loud." He has two distinct speaking traits: one is sometimes extending the last word in a sentence, and another is yelling "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!" as a preamble to any of the following: greetings, fights, tirades, interjections, flashbacks, Herbal Essences commercials. In addition to his loud personality, Squalo is also excessively proud past typical shounen dumbassery. When Yamamoto, after beating Squalo in battle, tries to save him from a shark attack, Squalo kicks him away and tells him he's tainting Squalo's honour as a swordsman. ...he then gets eaten by a giant shark, but that's all right; he's durable and lives to yell another day.
Sample Post:
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY, YOU LITTLE BRATS!! WHO HERE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO PROPERLY CONDITIOOOOOOOOOON?!
You scum are lucky I caaaaame! If this shitty mission weren't a direct order from the boss, I wouldn't have even bothered - teaching a bunch of trash how to take care of their hair is utterly beneath me! So listen up and do as I say, or I'll cut you all into seven pieces!
If you're just gonna follow the directions on the bottle, don't waste my time and get out of my faaaaaaace! I'll slice you up with my sword, you trash! True hair care means knowing how your own hair works and how to handle it before, during and after treatment! You with the matted hair - you aren't detangling it before you wash, are you?! Idiot!! Don't underestimate your hair's ability to tangle, so take care of that before you wash it as well as afterwards! Hair tangles are a constant problem - remember that! Cut off your own hand and replace it with scissors if you can't reach the bottom of your own fucking hair!!
No wonder you're all having hair problems! Brat with the tight braids! You sleep with it like that?! That's what I thooooought! You're breaking the fucking hair strands doing that - either tie it loose when you sleep or get out of my sight, trash! And you! What the fuck is up with your hair?! And you ask me why it keeps tangling?! I've already addressed this issue! Get that shit out of it if you can't wash it out properly afterwards!! And get a damn silk pillow, those cottons ones will just tangle it furtheeeer!! "Not available at the store" - how much do you value your life, punk, whining about shit like that! I'll slice you up right here and now!!
Heeeeeeey! This kid's on the right track - take off your fucking hat! There! Look how well this brat's been moisturizing his hair in response to the unusually dry winter! See this shine? This is a brat who can take care of his own fucking hair! Watch him from now on and learn, you garbage!!
--!! Punk ass brat, thinking so highly of yourself from just one compliment! Don't try to brush my hair - you're tainting my honour as a hair care instructor!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Wanijima Kaito
Age: late twenties
Series: Air Gear
Job Title: Jail Warden
Canon: Within Air Gear is a version of Our Current Earth where some wiseass got the bright idea to release incredibly complex roller blades known as Air Treck on the world, effectively giving anyone with the ability to master them 'wings' and opening up a lovely shounen series full of teenagers just trying to touch the sky. However, the path to the sky is not a clean one, and these winged individuals, known as Storm Riders to some, are known as criminals to most. Delinquents whose offenses range from vandalizing property to opening gateways to business with international mafia. Thank god the Japanese government decided to dedicate a specialized SWAT team, known only as WIND, to the enforcement of A-T related laws, and put a psychopath at the head of it to Make Sure Things Got Done.
Making sure Things Get Done is, arguably, all Wanijima Kaito is good for, possibly because it's all he really cares about. A true believer of 'the ends justify the means', he brutalized his sweet younger brother Akito with whippings, beatings and living-in-a-cagings to force him to become the amazing A-T rider he is today, and only sort of drove him crazy in the process. So while it's more than fair to say Kaito is a manipulative asshole, he rarely comes across as the calculating mastermind he sometimes is, usually settling into the role of the psychotic cop who shoots up the main cast with rubber bullets instead. When in a good mood, Kaito is probably sadistically whipping Storm Rider trash, and when in a bad he likes to come up with extravagant threats involving bullets and boobflesh. But outside of these frequent bouts of crazy, Kaito appears like any other chain smoking, easily irritated, lazily arrogant, kinda very gay cop who wears purple bellbottoms and never doesn't flash his midriff. Why, you could almost make the mistake of thinking he's just another pretty, perfectly sane face.
Sample Post:
You know, back home there's an entire country swarming with insects. Normally, round this time, they're picking fights over territory, making rooftop runs they think no one can catch up to, killing each other for this wheel or that one. Normally. But you know what they're doing right now? This very minute?
They're skating in the streets because the enemy's been shipped off to some trashy podunk in No Fucking Where, U.S.A. It would be so~ easy~ to stomp on them all, and instead I've been assigned to deal with someone else's disgusting infestation. That's what happens, when the local cops are too fucking soft. They can't even deal with a handful of overpowered Japanese brats and have to call in a native isntead. So here I am.
And guess what, brats?! It's too bad! An international garbage dump like this, it's probably been nice. Living like there are no laws, without even a fear of death, because arrogant bastards always think they can't be defeated. But get this, trash, the faster you get cleaned up, the faster I can go back to my real job. Those sirens you hear? Will be your funeral march~
Don't get any fancy ideas about running away to Canada, my jurisdiction in this area is complete. You can hide in swamps, scurry into every shadow and hidden nook you can find, but don't think you can escape the heel of my shoe. Every roach will be tracked down and squashed, then all your worthless scumbag corpses will rot out the rest of your worthless scumbag lives in facilities of my choosing. They're being built now.
So, in light of once more having to obey the laws or else never again look up at your ugly, iridescent sky, you might be wondering what the law around here is. I'm not interested in American bills or rights; the owner of this territory is your director, and if you have problems with her tyrannical rule I'll kill you. Breakfast is at five AM, if you're in your cabins at five oh one, you're dead. The soup on Tuesdays is as healthy as anything else here, and bugs should be glad to feast on whatever they can get at; so eat it. Stop fucking thinking you can just build whatever you want wherever you want without a permit. And if any of you twerps touch my car no god in no universe will ever be able to find all the pieces.
Wanijima Kaito is your new warden, trash. By the time I leave here you'll all have been swept spark~ling clean.
Poll Vote!
Character: Dist the Reaper Rose
Series: Tales of the Abyss
Age: 35
Job: Vengeance Counselor
Canon: Tales of the Abyss is the heartwarming story of a boy and his [SPOILER] and their merry yet spoilery adventures that would take more than this minuscule canon section to cover! Dist the Reaper -- or "Dist the Rose" as he prefers to be called -- is one of the six God Generals, the primary antagonist's bitch boys (and girls!) in the game. Although the God Generals have their own allegiances and plans, Dist could care less about them. He has only one secret goal in mind, and remains loyal to that alone in his own Sekrit Villain Way - though really, he seems to only be stalking the main party, particularly his old associate, Jade.
Dist himself can best be described as some sort of flamboyant mad genius, as well as a fifteen year-old boy stuck in a thirty-five year-old's body. While incredibly intelligent and capable of building all sorts of machines, Dist is also prone to being extremely emotional, and by "emotional," we mean "prone to bursting into hissy-fits at the drop of a hat." Dist's mood swings dramatically -- one minute, he can be pleased, and the next minute, he'll be going off about something or other, raving like a lunatic. The words "over the top" only begin to scratch the surface when it comes to Dist.
Despite all this, Dist never seems to fight himself. In fact, he prefers to watch his mad scientist robot minions fight his battles while he sits in his floating armchair and does what he does best: evil monologuing, complete with the token sinister laughter.
Sample Post:
Just who do those ignorant apes think they are?! Issuing a ticket to me? For suspicious activity in an "unmarked white armchair"?! It's mauve, you buffoons!!
Does anyone in this encampment have their head firmly screwed to their shoulders?! Such idiocy from the natives is repulsive; I can certainly see why the esteemed Madam Sayre required my supreme expertise on an all-important topic posthaste. Mmh, yes, where are my manners, though? Campers!! Be awed by the awesome presence of yours truly, the brand new, highly regarded and well-renowned vengeance counselor, Dist the Rose. ... Although I must say, the title they gave me for this position is so brutish. "Vengeance counselor"? Really, now. I find "retribution advisor" to be much more pleasing to the ears and much less barbaric, don't you agree?
Now then! Let's get to the subject at hand, shall we? Revenge, as they say, is a dish best served cold. Of course, everyone knows that this is a patented falsehood. Payback is truly delightful, particularly when your method of exacting your righteous retribution is creative and ... resourceful. You see, I've taken a moment to familiarize myself with your culture -- all to make the method of retribution more effective. Your culture's "internet"? Fascinating, and quite useful for our purposes. And there is a far more diabolical plot one can initiate just from their e-mail inbox. Yes, that's right: cat macro spam. Scores and scores of e-mails with their attachments adding megabyte after megabyte to their load time, all those adorable little faces staring and judging as the one who wronged you can do nothing but look on in horror--! Now, envision the despair on their face when they realize the undeniable truth -- that, yes, ceiling cat is watching them! Muahahahahahahaha!!
... But of course, carrying out this sort of scheme can be tiresome, particularly if said person employs that traitorous Gmail and its spiteful Spam Blocker, and that is where one skilled at seeking divine retribution hires minions for these sorts of things. Geniuses such as myself can easily create some, but when in doubt, I suppose the likes of you could resort to those dwelling around here. Take Thulian the Graceful Dionaea for example, here. My dearest Thulian was once known in his primitive tongue as Glarghabanglebraiiins, but I've managed to save him from his pathetic, undead existence. Now, my blossoming Dionaea is capable of much greater things, such as operating this custom-made shoulder-launched M-160. ♥ Thulian, if you would? A demonstr--
Thulian!! Where are you going with that rocket launch-- d-don't ignore me! Thulian, you return here at once when I'm speaking with--
-- o-on second thought, forget I said anything! You can ignore me! Just this once! I knew giving him weaponry was a miscalculation. D-Don't think you've heard the last of me-!!
Poll Vote!
Character: Maleficent Faery
Series: Walt Disney's Sleeping Beauty
Character Age: ...no clue!
Job: EVIL 101
Canon: Once upon a time (fourteenth century to be exact!), in a kingdom far away, there lived King Stefan and his fair queen. For years, they had lived without any children, so when a daughter was born to them, great joy spread throughout the land. AND THEN THEIR PARADE WAS RAINED ON. Because they didn't invite the MISTRESS OF ALL EVIL to their daughter's christening (and the Queen was silly enough to ask if they had offended her), Maleficent cursed Princess Aurora to prick her finger before sundown on her sixteenth birthday and DIE BWAHAHAHAHAHA... except the Good Fairy Merryweather changed that slightly. How annoying. Sleep is nowhere as foreboding as death.
In any case! Maleficent is elegant and suave and evil with an exceedingly bad temper. She's cruel and proud and occasionally rather petty about what angers her. Maleficent understands nothing of love, kindness, or the joy of helping others; she is "all bad" to quote the fairies. Things that make her happy include kidnapping princes, cursing baby princesses, hypnotizing older princesses, being generally Evil, and her beloved pet raven, Diablo.
Sample Post:
Well. Isn't this a pleasant surprise. Quite unlike what I had expected from Lady Sayre's description, I must say. A few zombies here, a few gorillas there...all wrapped up in a swamp. A pretty package without a Forbidden Mountain in sight. A bit disappointing, but no matter; she agreed to lend me her powers if I assisted her in shaping these...creatures of hers into proper goons and minions. After all, Lady Sayre's power is near equal to my own and she has the means I do not of locating princesses who have been conveniently missing for the past sixteen years. Let's start with the zombies and move on to the gorillas after, shall we?
Lady Sayre did mention you were, shall I say, not doing your job properly any longer. She requested I take the time to whip you all into shape as proper minions befitting the Forces of Evil. Well, well, well. I look at you and it is quite easy to understand what she means. Fools! IMBECILES! How dare you fall apart so easily! As zombies you are meant to frighten, to terrify! To work together and take down those who would oppose you! You should be destroying the villagers here, outnumbering them as badly as you do. Call all the men together! NOW!
You will learn to work together or, believe me, you won't have the choice of whether you want to or not. After all, cooperation can't be enforced any better than having two brains sharing one body, hmm? Or perhaps it would do you good to become very close to your fellow zombies. Rotting as you all are, it wouldn't take much to make you just slightly stickier. If you can't learn to scare the villagers then you could at least flatten them. Death by a Zombie Ball of Terror...a bit disgraceful, a touch humiliating, I admit, but better than you spineless, whimpering numbskulls! Oh how wonderful, it seems you understand me very well. Git!
And you gorillas. Look at yourselves, lounging about like that. Lady Sayre informed me that you were meant to chase the campers, to ensure that they knew their place, to enforce the rules that she had set up. And yet, I see women living with the men, people who refuse to get up at the time they should. Why, may I ask, are you not doing your job, hmm? ...You don't--! Oh my, that is a problem isn't it. Did you hear that, my pet? They said they don't feel like it. Ahahahahaha AHAHAhahahaha!
My dears, if you don't feel like terrorizing people, what do you feel like doing? Sitting in circles holding hands and making daisy chains? Or perhaps frolicking about these lovely trees and basking in the glow from the lake? Oh dear me, whatever shall I do? It would be quite a problem if Lady Sayre backed out of our agreement because I was unable to hold up my end due to a few stubborn monkeys. I believe I shall make this quite simple to understand. I don't CARE what you want to do. Get up! NOW! Or you'll end up like your friend over there: an unrecognizable, smoking mound of flesh unfit for the ants. Have I made myself quite clear?
...Oh Diablo, I do have my work cut out for me. It seems I am fated to be surrounded by mindless brutes who simply do not understand what it means to represent the Forces of Evil. Oversee them, my pet, and ensure they do not shame me. The Mistress of All Evil has to have her standards after all.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Fox Mulder
Series: The X-Files
Character Age: 32
Job: Lead Paranormal Investigator with the Camp Bureau of Investigation
Canon: The Truth is Out There. I Want to Believe. Trust No One. The television show the X-Files put these conspiracy theory catch phrases on bumper stickers everywhere.
The X-Files, cases shunted off to a special section of the F.B.I., dealt with anything the government determined was not of a serious nature: the Jersey Devil, Sasquatch, the Monster Under Your Bed; these cases would have been accepted with relish by Special Agent Fox Mulder, lead investigator of the paranormal. Highly trained in behavioral psychology, he was a top agent in the Bureau's Behavior Science and Violent Crime Units before he became involved with the X-Files cases.
Possessing an extremely dry, sardonic sense of humor, Mulder can crack a deadpan joke even when faced with the very real possibility that he is about to have his liver stolen. Scorning the conventional and wholly obsessed with the paranormal, Mulder likes to live on the 'wild side' where he watches porn as if it were a sitcom and munches on sunflower seeds.
Sample Post:
Nothing says "Get the hell out of my office" quite like being assigned to rural Louisiana. First off kids, always listen to the F.B.I. Director in charge unless said Director is being a jackass. Then make faces at him when his back is turned. Oh the hilarity that ensues when he turns around and catches you with your nose up your own ass. Can I say "ass" in a camp for kids? Someone have that ass stricken from the record. And kids, if you can identify the double entendre there shame on your parents.
Now in all seriousness I'm here for one reason: to lead investigations into the many reports of paranormal activity I have received since I was dropped here. I've only been here a couple of days but I can already very clearly see the beginnings of a highly developed alien colony at work, and that that colony is gearing for some kind of confrontation. Luckily for you, unlike the American government I can recognize a real WMD when I see one. So let's take a moment now and look at these Weird Misshapen Deviants a little more closely.
Humonius Shufflinus: Not to be confused with Homonius Snifflinus (what you do after dark isn't my business). You may know these aliens as the often misnamed 'zombie'. Let me handle these; they can be very dangerous. Ever see that Thriller video? Look how their leader Michael Jackson turned out and you'll see what I mean.
Indigotum Hairysoni: And people have been telling me that Planet of the Apes is impossible. I have a whole cabinet full of information on how to approach these things safely. Of course, that cabinet is in Washington D.C. buried underneath a year's worth of Celebrity Skin but that's just incentive to get close enough to get more information to replace it.
I could, and will, go on and on about everything I'm beginning to recognize. This place is just a black market organ swapping conspiracy away from having all that I've researched for years. That's really how the aliens get started with their colonization: by nabbing an unsuspecting teenager while he's out peeing in the woods and then the next thing he knows he's up in their mother ship explaining that before they start making judgments they should keep in mind that it was very cold outside.
But I can count on you kids to help me out, right? I knew the government installing those mind control devices into your kidneys was a great idea. What's that? Someone stole your kidney? Outstanding. Wait, now is no time for a doctor! Come into my office, we need to talk.
Poll Vote!
We will do our best to post counselors quickly and efficiently! Again, there will be minimal weeding - if any counselor applications are missing a job, formatted terribly, or otherwise don't meet standards, we will weed. For now, we're all too crosseyed, so have a round!
HERE IS THE FIRST ROUND.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE! WELL THAT WAS FAST, CLOSED
Character: Rufus Shinra
Series: Final Fantasy VII
Character Age: 23, as of Advent Children
Job: Necessary Face Of Corporate Evil
Canon: Final Fantasy VII was the bestselling classic that had, upon its release, everything sans graphics and a good translation. People wanted more out of their video games, and Square delivered; thus VII is also the game in which everything is bigger - from the plot to the protagonist's hair and sword to his bitchin' archnemesis. Oh, and also the corporate conglomerate with its claws in your purse strings.
Shinra, Inc.: quite possibly the only power company in the world. Shinra keeps afloat by sucking the Planet dry of its life force, pumping the energy extremely efficiently into every single continent inhabited by man, collecting tax dollars, and stamping out anything that looks remotely like competition - occasionally using men in snappy suits. One day, Shinra's employees found their president face-down on his desk with a sword stuck in his back . . . and so we have the story of how ex-Vice President Rufus Shinra came to power in his father's stead.
What kind of president was Rufus Shinra, one might ask? On the night of his promotion he basically told Cloud and company that he planned to rule by making people crap their pants at the mention of his name. Yeah, he's THAT GUY, the shotgun-toting ruthless enemy of planet-loving anarchists, hippies, and the common people. He's cold, calculated, and utterly fearless, with his business mind two steps ahead of the game even when the game is less like Monopoly and more like saving your planet from being blown the hell up. He's prim and proper from his nose to his toes and, even when his name fades into relative obscurity, he remains wrapped up in shady background dealings that inevitably leave him with all the cards in his hand. Because that's just how he rolls.
Sample Post:
To be frank: if a man has a bit of spare change, property shares are not one of the wisest investments he can make. And while I wouldn't call myself a miser, there's really no reason to waste money on things that can be disposed of as quickly as they can be acquired. So I must then confess it's rare for me, to be caught in a real estate deal I find at all difficult to refuse. Men of greater pride than I would cede your Madame Director has a certain way with words.
That said, you all may expect local swampland property values to experience a sudden and sharp increase, the likes of which you have probably never seen and will likely never see again. Why? Shinra, Inc. has . . . well. "Seized" is too strong a word, and implies effort. Let me try that again: Shinra has assumed control of a territory towards the western border, within the confines of your Director's impeccable marvel of engineering that keeps you all detained. An area of relative unimportance, though there is one small problem - I had requested the land be reserved for me and mine. And yet there are campers, doing poorly at what they ought to be doing best: camping; and yet there are undead, doing poorly at menial tasks such as shambling and frothing; and yet there are apes, doing poorly at maintaining their natural color palette. Careless.
This series of disappointments constitutes a slip-up on the part of the Director. It also leaves me with a dilemma - what to do with you all. My apologies if this sounds sinister, but the terms of the contract are clear. Living on Shinra's payroll, inadvertently or otherwise, means working towards the betterment of the company. Be proud - Shinra employ has its benefits. For example, denizens of Shinra territory may notice that their laptops, when charging, behave in an orderly fashion. Music files of illegitimate gain are suddenly legitimized, important text remains important and unmarred by unsightly sparkles . . . more personal files remain secure in childproof folders ironically labeled "do not look here". This is because the electricity flowing through certain cabins is now supplied by Shinra generators. At the mercy of a greater power, errant laptops do well to fear.
While the technology here is unsuited to advanced sources of mechanical energy, a company is little without the ability to improvise. Take a spry undead man and put him in what resembles a turbine, then suspend a piece of fresh raw meat where he can see - but where he can't reach. Take several undead men, several wheels, and several metric tons of cheap meat as supplied by Tuesday chefs . . . it doesn't take an engineer to recognize the ingenuity. On top of the convenience, one need never waste a bullet on the undeserving ever again.
Such benefits beg the question of what do I want from all of you. The answer is simple - cooperation. It gets you far, particularly in such a man-eat-man environment. I'm afraid you're living in cutthroat times in a similarly cutthroat place. Really, your best bet for survival would be allying yourself with the winning hand. And if you're truly dim enough as to have to question which is the winning hand, a little hint: it's the one with the tailored glove and the gun.
Poll Vote!
Character: Godot
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Trials and Tribulations)
Age: 33
Job: Camp Barista
Canon: A mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in something that looks suspiciously like a toaster, Godot is the big question mark of the the third game in the Phoenix Wright series. He is first introduced as the mysterious lawyer whose equal cannot be found in the entire country! A man so impressive that others wait entire lifetimes to merely bask in his glorious presence! The great masked prosecutor who has never lost a single case in his entire career! ...What they neglect to mention, of course, is that he's never won a case, either. In fact, he's never prosecuted before at all. But that doesn't stop him from being incredibly smug and referring to himself as "legendary."
A bit of a hot-shot with an unrivaled love of coffee (he makes his own blends and is known to drink up to 17 cups of the stuff per trial day) and a fierce grudge against Phoenix Wright (or Phoenix Trite, as he calls him), Godot shows up out of nowhere with a huge chip on his shoulder and a patronizing attitude towards everyone, including the presiding judge. He has the tendency to speak in bizarre and obscure metaphors and has his own set of personal rules he loudly proclaims whenever relevant. With all his arrogance, it probably isn't surprising that Godot is a bit condescending when it comes to women. Sure, he does love the ladies, but he often talks down to them and gives them cutesy nicknames, his favourite of all being "Kitten"--although to be fair, he did call Edgeworth that once.
Sample Post:
Ha...! Who could have predicted that it would end up like this? It seems that the man who has emerged from the very depths of Hell and spat in the face of Fate herself has been unceremoniously tossed back, like a fish not big enough to fry. Is this a punishment for treating the fickle mistress Fate like a cheap streetwalker? If so, then it's my mistake, and real men will always stand up and take their punishments, whether they be cruel, unusual, or some unholy combination of both those things! From legendary prosecutor to coffee boy... now like an intern scurrying about the office, like so many ants swarming over their beloved sugar: This is now my place. But a real man doesn't balk from a challenge; a real man will walk the path that life has given to him, whether it's to the courtroom or back into the flames of Hell. I will do this because it's the hand fate has dealt me! Oh yes, I will do as that lovely fawn of a Director says, I will... make your coffee.
Give a poor man an expensive delicacy and he will not enjoy it because he's so used to bread. So what's the point in wasting the strongest of my Godot blends on people used to a few dregs mixed in with hot water! The infamous special blend #107 would be way too much for you to take. Instead, I'll be offering all the old, watered-down favorites; packed full of flavor, but also packed full of artificial happiness. For the lovely lady in line to the left, here: have the Irish Cream. Due to the lack of alcohol, the flavor is artificial, but it will go well with the green fuzz that's growing up your arm! To the fine and friendly girl on my right, try the French Vanilla. Something about the state of your body hair tells me you'll enjoy it. And you with the two heads, why not try a double-double, amigo? Finally, we come to the gentleman with the monocle and the top hat... well, real men don't drink tea, and I'm not about to cater to that sort of order!
And now we come to the exciting finale...! The newest flavor to hit Camp Fuck You Die, straight from my mind to your cup, hot as fire and smooth as silk. I call it "Mistle Mocha (Godot Blend #169)," and it's sure to warm you up this holiday season. Come on now, amigos, take a free sample. The coffee isn't going to bite back, strong as it may be! It's made with the finest extract of camp's favorite weed--bitter, yet enchanting, with an aroma that none can resist.
Ha...! Seems I've whipped these ladies into a frenzy. Sorry to disappoint, my filth-encrusted kittens, but I like my women how I like my coffee. No decaying flesh, that's one of my rules!
Poll Vote!
Character: Superbi Squalo
Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Character Age: 22
Job: Hair Care Instructor
Canon: Katekyo Hitman Reborn! is the tale of one baby's valiant struggle to coach a stubbornly resistant middle schooler into becoming the head of one of the most powerful mafia families in the world, the Vongola. And part of being the head of the Vongola family is having an elite team of assassin geniuses at your disposal - the Varia. Superbi Squalo is the genius swordsman of the Varia, slated to become their boss after he defeated the leader, Tyr. Instead, he "fell in love" with Xanxus's fury and allowed him to take over instead. Squalo then vowed to keep growing his hair until Xanxus became the boss of the Vongola, which means his hair has become rather Sephirothesque. In addition, Squalo cut off his left hand after battling the similarly single-handed Tyr in order to better understand his opponent...although whether or not Tyr also replaced his left hand with an Inspector Gadget-like prosthetic that can flip to extreme angles is anyone's guess.
If you could only describe Squalo with one word, chances are it would be "loud." He has two distinct speaking traits: one is sometimes extending the last word in a sentence, and another is yelling "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!" as a preamble to any of the following: greetings, fights, tirades, interjections, flashbacks, Herbal Essences commercials. In addition to his loud personality, Squalo is also excessively proud past typical shounen dumbassery. When Yamamoto, after beating Squalo in battle, tries to save him from a shark attack, Squalo kicks him away and tells him he's tainting Squalo's honour as a swordsman. ...he then gets eaten by a giant shark, but that's all right; he's durable and lives to yell another day.
Sample Post:
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY, YOU LITTLE BRATS!! WHO HERE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO PROPERLY CONDITIOOOOOOOOOON?!
You scum are lucky I caaaaame! If this shitty mission weren't a direct order from the boss, I wouldn't have even bothered - teaching a bunch of trash how to take care of their hair is utterly beneath me! So listen up and do as I say, or I'll cut you all into seven pieces!
If you're just gonna follow the directions on the bottle, don't waste my time and get out of my faaaaaaace! I'll slice you up with my sword, you trash! True hair care means knowing how your own hair works and how to handle it before, during and after treatment! You with the matted hair - you aren't detangling it before you wash, are you?! Idiot!! Don't underestimate your hair's ability to tangle, so take care of that before you wash it as well as afterwards! Hair tangles are a constant problem - remember that! Cut off your own hand and replace it with scissors if you can't reach the bottom of your own fucking hair!!
No wonder you're all having hair problems! Brat with the tight braids! You sleep with it like that?! That's what I thooooought! You're breaking the fucking hair strands doing that - either tie it loose when you sleep or get out of my sight, trash! And you! What the fuck is up with your hair?! And you ask me why it keeps tangling?! I've already addressed this issue! Get that shit out of it if you can't wash it out properly afterwards!! And get a damn silk pillow, those cottons ones will just tangle it furtheeeer!! "Not available at the store" - how much do you value your life, punk, whining about shit like that! I'll slice you up right here and now!!
Heeeeeeey! This kid's on the right track - take off your fucking hat! There! Look how well this brat's been moisturizing his hair in response to the unusually dry winter! See this shine? This is a brat who can take care of his own fucking hair! Watch him from now on and learn, you garbage!!
--!! Punk ass brat, thinking so highly of yourself from just one compliment! Don't try to brush my hair - you're tainting my honour as a hair care instructor!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Wanijima Kaito
Age: late twenties
Series: Air Gear
Job Title: Jail Warden
Canon: Within Air Gear is a version of Our Current Earth where some wiseass got the bright idea to release incredibly complex roller blades known as Air Treck on the world, effectively giving anyone with the ability to master them 'wings' and opening up a lovely shounen series full of teenagers just trying to touch the sky. However, the path to the sky is not a clean one, and these winged individuals, known as Storm Riders to some, are known as criminals to most. Delinquents whose offenses range from vandalizing property to opening gateways to business with international mafia. Thank god the Japanese government decided to dedicate a specialized SWAT team, known only as WIND, to the enforcement of A-T related laws, and put a psychopath at the head of it to Make Sure Things Got Done.
Making sure Things Get Done is, arguably, all Wanijima Kaito is good for, possibly because it's all he really cares about. A true believer of 'the ends justify the means', he brutalized his sweet younger brother Akito with whippings, beatings and living-in-a-cagings to force him to become the amazing A-T rider he is today, and only sort of drove him crazy in the process. So while it's more than fair to say Kaito is a manipulative asshole, he rarely comes across as the calculating mastermind he sometimes is, usually settling into the role of the psychotic cop who shoots up the main cast with rubber bullets instead. When in a good mood, Kaito is probably sadistically whipping Storm Rider trash, and when in a bad he likes to come up with extravagant threats involving bullets and boobflesh. But outside of these frequent bouts of crazy, Kaito appears like any other chain smoking, easily irritated, lazily arrogant, kinda very gay cop who wears purple bellbottoms and never doesn't flash his midriff. Why, you could almost make the mistake of thinking he's just another pretty, perfectly sane face.
Sample Post:
You know, back home there's an entire country swarming with insects. Normally, round this time, they're picking fights over territory, making rooftop runs they think no one can catch up to, killing each other for this wheel or that one. Normally. But you know what they're doing right now? This very minute?
They're skating in the streets because the enemy's been shipped off to some trashy podunk in No Fucking Where, U.S.A. It would be so~ easy~ to stomp on them all, and instead I've been assigned to deal with someone else's disgusting infestation. That's what happens, when the local cops are too fucking soft. They can't even deal with a handful of overpowered Japanese brats and have to call in a native isntead. So here I am.
And guess what, brats?! It's too bad! An international garbage dump like this, it's probably been nice. Living like there are no laws, without even a fear of death, because arrogant bastards always think they can't be defeated. But get this, trash, the faster you get cleaned up, the faster I can go back to my real job. Those sirens you hear? Will be your funeral march~
Don't get any fancy ideas about running away to Canada, my jurisdiction in this area is complete. You can hide in swamps, scurry into every shadow and hidden nook you can find, but don't think you can escape the heel of my shoe. Every roach will be tracked down and squashed, then all your worthless scumbag corpses will rot out the rest of your worthless scumbag lives in facilities of my choosing. They're being built now.
So, in light of once more having to obey the laws or else never again look up at your ugly, iridescent sky, you might be wondering what the law around here is. I'm not interested in American bills or rights; the owner of this territory is your director, and if you have problems with her tyrannical rule I'll kill you. Breakfast is at five AM, if you're in your cabins at five oh one, you're dead. The soup on Tuesdays is as healthy as anything else here, and bugs should be glad to feast on whatever they can get at; so eat it. Stop fucking thinking you can just build whatever you want wherever you want without a permit. And if any of you twerps touch my car no god in no universe will ever be able to find all the pieces.
Wanijima Kaito is your new warden, trash. By the time I leave here you'll all have been swept spark~ling clean.
Poll Vote!
Character: Dist the Reaper Rose
Series: Tales of the Abyss
Age: 35
Job: Vengeance Counselor
Canon: Tales of the Abyss is the heartwarming story of a boy and his [SPOILER] and their merry yet spoilery adventures that would take more than this minuscule canon section to cover! Dist the Reaper -- or "Dist the Rose" as he prefers to be called -- is one of the six God Generals, the primary antagonist's bitch boys (and girls!) in the game. Although the God Generals have their own allegiances and plans, Dist could care less about them. He has only one secret goal in mind, and remains loyal to that alone in his own Sekrit Villain Way - though really, he seems to only be stalking the main party, particularly his old associate, Jade.
Dist himself can best be described as some sort of flamboyant mad genius, as well as a fifteen year-old boy stuck in a thirty-five year-old's body. While incredibly intelligent and capable of building all sorts of machines, Dist is also prone to being extremely emotional, and by "emotional," we mean "prone to bursting into hissy-fits at the drop of a hat." Dist's mood swings dramatically -- one minute, he can be pleased, and the next minute, he'll be going off about something or other, raving like a lunatic. The words "over the top" only begin to scratch the surface when it comes to Dist.
Despite all this, Dist never seems to fight himself. In fact, he prefers to watch his mad scientist robot minions fight his battles while he sits in his floating armchair and does what he does best: evil monologuing, complete with the token sinister laughter.
Sample Post:
Just who do those ignorant apes think they are?! Issuing a ticket to me? For suspicious activity in an "unmarked white armchair"?! It's mauve, you buffoons!!
Does anyone in this encampment have their head firmly screwed to their shoulders?! Such idiocy from the natives is repulsive; I can certainly see why the esteemed Madam Sayre required my supreme expertise on an all-important topic posthaste. Mmh, yes, where are my manners, though? Campers!! Be awed by the awesome presence of yours truly, the brand new, highly regarded and well-renowned vengeance counselor, Dist the Rose. ... Although I must say, the title they gave me for this position is so brutish. "Vengeance counselor"? Really, now. I find "retribution advisor" to be much more pleasing to the ears and much less barbaric, don't you agree?
Now then! Let's get to the subject at hand, shall we? Revenge, as they say, is a dish best served cold. Of course, everyone knows that this is a patented falsehood. Payback is truly delightful, particularly when your method of exacting your righteous retribution is creative and ... resourceful. You see, I've taken a moment to familiarize myself with your culture -- all to make the method of retribution more effective. Your culture's "internet"? Fascinating, and quite useful for our purposes. And there is a far more diabolical plot one can initiate just from their e-mail inbox. Yes, that's right: cat macro spam. Scores and scores of e-mails with their attachments adding megabyte after megabyte to their load time, all those adorable little faces staring and judging as the one who wronged you can do nothing but look on in horror--! Now, envision the despair on their face when they realize the undeniable truth -- that, yes, ceiling cat is watching them! Muahahahahahahaha!!
... But of course, carrying out this sort of scheme can be tiresome, particularly if said person employs that traitorous Gmail and its spiteful Spam Blocker, and that is where one skilled at seeking divine retribution hires minions for these sorts of things. Geniuses such as myself can easily create some, but when in doubt, I suppose the likes of you could resort to those dwelling around here. Take Thulian the Graceful Dionaea for example, here. My dearest Thulian was once known in his primitive tongue as Glarghabanglebraiiins, but I've managed to save him from his pathetic, undead existence. Now, my blossoming Dionaea is capable of much greater things, such as operating this custom-made shoulder-launched M-160. ♥ Thulian, if you would? A demonstr--
Thulian!! Where are you going with that rocket launch-- d-don't ignore me! Thulian, you return here at once when I'm speaking with--
-- o-on second thought, forget I said anything! You can ignore me! Just this once! I knew giving him weaponry was a miscalculation. D-Don't think you've heard the last of me-!!
Poll Vote!
Character: Maleficent Faery
Series: Walt Disney's Sleeping Beauty
Character Age: ...no clue!
Job: EVIL 101
Canon: Once upon a time (fourteenth century to be exact!), in a kingdom far away, there lived King Stefan and his fair queen. For years, they had lived without any children, so when a daughter was born to them, great joy spread throughout the land. AND THEN THEIR PARADE WAS RAINED ON. Because they didn't invite the MISTRESS OF ALL EVIL to their daughter's christening (and the Queen was silly enough to ask if they had offended her), Maleficent cursed Princess Aurora to prick her finger before sundown on her sixteenth birthday and DIE BWAHAHAHAHAHA... except the Good Fairy Merryweather changed that slightly. How annoying. Sleep is nowhere as foreboding as death.
In any case! Maleficent is elegant and suave and evil with an exceedingly bad temper. She's cruel and proud and occasionally rather petty about what angers her. Maleficent understands nothing of love, kindness, or the joy of helping others; she is "all bad" to quote the fairies. Things that make her happy include kidnapping princes, cursing baby princesses, hypnotizing older princesses, being generally Evil, and her beloved pet raven, Diablo.
Sample Post:
Well. Isn't this a pleasant surprise. Quite unlike what I had expected from Lady Sayre's description, I must say. A few zombies here, a few gorillas there...all wrapped up in a swamp. A pretty package without a Forbidden Mountain in sight. A bit disappointing, but no matter; she agreed to lend me her powers if I assisted her in shaping these...creatures of hers into proper goons and minions. After all, Lady Sayre's power is near equal to my own and she has the means I do not of locating princesses who have been conveniently missing for the past sixteen years. Let's start with the zombies and move on to the gorillas after, shall we?
Lady Sayre did mention you were, shall I say, not doing your job properly any longer. She requested I take the time to whip you all into shape as proper minions befitting the Forces of Evil. Well, well, well. I look at you and it is quite easy to understand what she means. Fools! IMBECILES! How dare you fall apart so easily! As zombies you are meant to frighten, to terrify! To work together and take down those who would oppose you! You should be destroying the villagers here, outnumbering them as badly as you do. Call all the men together! NOW!
You will learn to work together or, believe me, you won't have the choice of whether you want to or not. After all, cooperation can't be enforced any better than having two brains sharing one body, hmm? Or perhaps it would do you good to become very close to your fellow zombies. Rotting as you all are, it wouldn't take much to make you just slightly stickier. If you can't learn to scare the villagers then you could at least flatten them. Death by a Zombie Ball of Terror...a bit disgraceful, a touch humiliating, I admit, but better than you spineless, whimpering numbskulls! Oh how wonderful, it seems you understand me very well. Git!
And you gorillas. Look at yourselves, lounging about like that. Lady Sayre informed me that you were meant to chase the campers, to ensure that they knew their place, to enforce the rules that she had set up. And yet, I see women living with the men, people who refuse to get up at the time they should. Why, may I ask, are you not doing your job, hmm? ...You don't--! Oh my, that is a problem isn't it. Did you hear that, my pet? They said they don't feel like it. Ahahahahaha AHAHAhahahaha!
My dears, if you don't feel like terrorizing people, what do you feel like doing? Sitting in circles holding hands and making daisy chains? Or perhaps frolicking about these lovely trees and basking in the glow from the lake? Oh dear me, whatever shall I do? It would be quite a problem if Lady Sayre backed out of our agreement because I was unable to hold up my end due to a few stubborn monkeys. I believe I shall make this quite simple to understand. I don't CARE what you want to do. Get up! NOW! Or you'll end up like your friend over there: an unrecognizable, smoking mound of flesh unfit for the ants. Have I made myself quite clear?
...Oh Diablo, I do have my work cut out for me. It seems I am fated to be surrounded by mindless brutes who simply do not understand what it means to represent the Forces of Evil. Oversee them, my pet, and ensure they do not shame me. The Mistress of All Evil has to have her standards after all.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Fox Mulder
Series: The X-Files
Character Age: 32
Job: Lead Paranormal Investigator with the Camp Bureau of Investigation
Canon: The Truth is Out There. I Want to Believe. Trust No One. The television show the X-Files put these conspiracy theory catch phrases on bumper stickers everywhere.
The X-Files, cases shunted off to a special section of the F.B.I., dealt with anything the government determined was not of a serious nature: the Jersey Devil, Sasquatch, the Monster Under Your Bed; these cases would have been accepted with relish by Special Agent Fox Mulder, lead investigator of the paranormal. Highly trained in behavioral psychology, he was a top agent in the Bureau's Behavior Science and Violent Crime Units before he became involved with the X-Files cases.
Possessing an extremely dry, sardonic sense of humor, Mulder can crack a deadpan joke even when faced with the very real possibility that he is about to have his liver stolen. Scorning the conventional and wholly obsessed with the paranormal, Mulder likes to live on the 'wild side' where he watches porn as if it were a sitcom and munches on sunflower seeds.
Sample Post:
Nothing says "Get the hell out of my office" quite like being assigned to rural Louisiana. First off kids, always listen to the F.B.I. Director in charge unless said Director is being a jackass. Then make faces at him when his back is turned. Oh the hilarity that ensues when he turns around and catches you with your nose up your own ass. Can I say "ass" in a camp for kids? Someone have that ass stricken from the record. And kids, if you can identify the double entendre there shame on your parents.
Now in all seriousness I'm here for one reason: to lead investigations into the many reports of paranormal activity I have received since I was dropped here. I've only been here a couple of days but I can already very clearly see the beginnings of a highly developed alien colony at work, and that that colony is gearing for some kind of confrontation. Luckily for you, unlike the American government I can recognize a real WMD when I see one. So let's take a moment now and look at these Weird Misshapen Deviants a little more closely.
Humonius Shufflinus: Not to be confused with Homonius Snifflinus (what you do after dark isn't my business). You may know these aliens as the often misnamed 'zombie'. Let me handle these; they can be very dangerous. Ever see that Thriller video? Look how their leader Michael Jackson turned out and you'll see what I mean.
Indigotum Hairysoni: And people have been telling me that Planet of the Apes is impossible. I have a whole cabinet full of information on how to approach these things safely. Of course, that cabinet is in Washington D.C. buried underneath a year's worth of Celebrity Skin but that's just incentive to get close enough to get more information to replace it.
I could, and will, go on and on about everything I'm beginning to recognize. This place is just a black market organ swapping conspiracy away from having all that I've researched for years. That's really how the aliens get started with their colonization: by nabbing an unsuspecting teenager while he's out peeing in the woods and then the next thing he knows he's up in their mother ship explaining that before they start making judgments they should keep in mind that it was very cold outside.
But I can count on you kids to help me out, right? I knew the government installing those mind control devices into your kidneys was a great idea. What's that? Someone stole your kidney? Outstanding. Wait, now is no time for a doctor! Come into my office, we need to talk.
Poll Vote!