(no subject)
GOOD JOB, CADETS. HERE IS YOUR NEXT ROUND ♥
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
...ACTUALLY THERE ARE NO EDITS THIS TIME I WAS JUST COPYPASTING TOO FAST.
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Lina Inverse
Series: Slayers (anime) link
Character Age: 16
Canon: In a fantastic world filled with magic and monsters, only one woman stands a chance against the darkness…but she’s busy waiting tables. Instead, the world is stuck with her little sister, Lina Inverse.
Encouraged by said older sister, Lina struck out on her own at the tender age of 13 to make her way in the world as a traveling sorceress. And oh what a sorceress she is! Her tendency to use high-powered black magic to take care of a problem as quickly and as flashily as possible has earned her such epithets like “The Enemy of all who Live.”
Lina, meanwhile, simply considers herself “the Beautiful Sorcery Genius.” She’s more concerned with living the high life-stealing from bandits and giving to herself, hoarding magical goods, and most of all, feeding her considerable appetite. Something of a gourmand, Lina will go to great lengths to procure a good meal-and woe to all who stand in her way!
Sample Post:
Now this is a nice spread! Roast beef, turkey legs, pasta with red sauce and sausage, a salad bar…and a lot of soup. You guys sure know the way to a girl’s heart. This better be worth it, though, because getting here was a royal pain in the ass. Let’s talk about that a bit, shall we? An acquaintance of mine happened to pass off this flyer to me and said that I would find your establishment ‘interesting.’
“Cuisine!
Fantastic!
Unimaginably
Delicious!
Enjoy a buffet-style all you can eat meal like no other. Experience the unique flavor of Southern cooking in a traditional rustic environment. Enjoy the beauty of nature and our exotic wildlife as you dine on dishes that you could have never thought possible!”
Is what your little flyer said. But what that flyer neglected to mention? Your grounds are basically infested with zombies. A girl can put up having to tromp through a muddy swamp for a gourmet all-you-can-eat buffet, but swarms of the undead are kind of a deal-breaker.
Now I am a sorceress-a genius sorceress at that-and I suppose I could take care of your problem for you. Of course, I’ll have to charge you. Don’t think that just giving me a free meal will cover a job of this scale!
You see, zombies are really gross. The funky slime of the undead doesn’t come out of your clothes easily, to say the least. Then there’s the way they shuffle, moan, and fall apart. Furthermore, the fact that there are so many zombies shambling around means that there’s a powerful necromancer at work. Dealing with that is a lot of work for me, you know? Taking that into consideration, it’s going to cost you a lot if you want my help. Lina Inverse is not a walking charity, after all! This is how we’ll do this: I’ve got a number in my head. You start negotiating and if we can’t agree to at least 70% of the fee that I’m thinking of, I’ll have to refuse you my services. Only 70%! Oh Lina, you’re so generous!
But I can’t just negotiate on an empty stomach! First, let’s eat! I think I’ll start with this soup. There seems to be an awful lot of it…
. . .
WHAT
IS
THIS
CRAP?!
Oh, it’s unimaginable, alright. Unimaginably awful! Take me to your chef-we need to have words.
Poll Vote!
Name: Juanita "Nita" Callahan
Series: Young Wizards, by Diane Duane
Age: 14
Canon: Young Wizards is the story of
reoccurring battle between forces of darkness--anthropomorphized into
a spiritual entity known as the Lone Power, who has separated from the
One--and light. Wizardry is derived from pledging yourself to the One.
It is also a tale of personal growth and maturity, and the
difficulties encountered on the path to adulthood.
Nita Callahan was your ordinary introvert, preferring books to the
company of her bullying peers until the day when she found a copy of
the book, So You Want To Be A Wizard in the library. When the
book turned out to be a manual for wizardry, she began to learn how
tap into her personal power of the One as a wizard. Over the course
and the series, she has weathered numerous challenges, personal and
wizardly, and has grown into a strong tempered and mostly confident
normal girl: mostly happy, curious and empathetic, until you incur her
anger, and touchy about her appearance as a tall and well-developed
girl for her age. She is also personally proficient in several forms
of wizardry, including manipulating the rules of the universe through
a group of rules called a kernel, prophecy, lucid dreaming, talking to
trees and the linguistics of the Speech that all wizards use.
Note:Dai stihò is the traditional greeting in the wizard's
Speech, and precis is the most common term for the summaries that the
manuals generate automatically.
Sample post:
Dai stihò, cousins. I am on errantry, and I can see that we've
got quite the problem here. The wildlife here is all at war with each
other, the people don't seem to be too good at getting along without
killing themselves, and some of the laws of physics seem to be acting
like someone took a stick and hit them with it. Fortunately, I think
we can all take care of most of these problems with a little bit of
help from the manual. I think we'll be out of here in no time if we
all work together as a team--after all, that's the only reason so many
wizards would be here, right?
But first things first. We have to get everyone ready to leave here.
Looks like you guys have gotten pretty comfortable for a place that's
only supposed to be a summer camp, even if you have been here for two
years, but it's time to go. I know some of you guys want to get out
with everything you have and now, but we've gotta take this one
step at a time. We don't want to panic and have to do something
potentially dangerous, like engaging the wildlife--hey! Who
threw that?
You! Would you like to remove your arm from my leg before I remove it
for you? I'm not joking--no one gets to touch me like that. Not even
my non existent boyfriend, because if he did exist, he would cease to
exist after that little stunt you just pulled. And besides, I'm
so not old enough for that yet. I just started high school, for crying
out loud. I'm not ready for that yet! Nor do I need you staring at my
chest so hard that you're gonna set it on fire. Unless you'd like me
to set your head on fire for you?
Don't worry, you could go cool off in that lake there. Oh, there's a
tentacle monster in it? Well, maybe she'd be happier to see
you. Creep.
I am not giving up on this place yet. I am not going to give up
on these people. I am not going to even hurt any of the zombies very
much. I will be calm and polite to the next person who tries to talk
to me, no matter what they say...No, I really don't
think that's part of teamwork.
Poll Vote!
Character: Naesala
Series: Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance
Character Age: Lower hundreds, equivalent to a
human in their late teens.
Canon: Fire Emblem: Path of
Radiance is about a war, a war which embattles the
entire continent of Tellius but is mainly a battle
between the remnants of the country of Crimea and the
country of Daien. On the continent there are two
races: laguz, a race of changelings, and beorc, or
humans. Laguz are considered lesser beings by the
humans, and because of this mentality there is a great
division in race in the world. It is as a result of
this racism by the humans that laguz distance
themselves from human conflicts, only becoming
involved when it directly affects them.
Naesala is initially introduced as the amoral king of
the raven tribe of laguz, a shrewd businessman who
could and probably would sell a child out of its
mother's arms, smooth and extremely skilled at getting
others to do what he wants. It is clear from the very
start that his only true intentions are to amass
enough wealth in order to purchase land on the main
continent so that his people can prosper. To achieve
this end, he has ordered his men to act as pirates and
attack the merchant vessels of all countries; Naesala
doesn't discriminate as to where the gold comes from,
so long as it's his in the end. He will also lend
military aid in the form of Kilvas soldiers to anyone
willing to pay the handsome price such aid comes at.
He is, however, weak against things that are shiny; in
fact he carries a shiny coin on his person at all
times. He likes to puff up and act like he's the best,
but he's in reality very easily topped by his
childhood friend and his advisor, who insists on
calling him 'nestling' as he has seen Naesala just
hatched from the egg.
Sample Post:
Well. Well, well, well.
This is quite an interesting human settlement, isn't
it? A bit drab and gray, but what can you expect of
humans? Everything they build is so uniform and bland;
you'd think that with all their technology, they could
do to spruce it up a bit, something that'll give it a
little colour. Something perhaps a bit shinier- that
would improve it a great deal. They could also do to
clean it, ugh; I can smell the unwashed savages from
up here, the entire place smells like a corpse-strewn
battlefield.
Hmph, you'd think with an area of land this size that
there'd be someone in charge, someone who'd need and
could afford the services of the Ravens of Kilvas. And
doubly so for a Daien settlement; for all their pomp
and self-professed hatred of the laguz, they certainly
fall over themselves to pay for my people's services.
Well, as much as I loath to touch my feet to the
ground, I suppose that I must.
Oh! It's worse on the ground than above! Everything's
all dull and lifeless and... are my feet
sinking?! Ugh, very well. Everything I do, I do
to lift up Kilvas from its lowly place, I just... have
to keep reminding myself of that.
Excuse me sirs, I noticed that you walk with an air
of... well, you walk with an air, that much is
certain. I am Naesala of Kilvas and I come to you with
a very lucrative proposition. How would you, yes,
you, like to have a retinue of your very own
soldiers of Kilvas? Yes, the soldiers of Kilvas- they
can tear through your enemies! They slice, they dice,
they... no, no I'm fairly sure that they cannot
julienne fries. With your generous donation of say,
fifty thousand gold pieces, a small group of five
Kilvas soldiers will be yours to command. But wait-
there's more! With your continued support to the
nation of Kilvas the number of soldiers at your
command has the potential to grow exponentially. Well,
gentlemen? Do we have a deal? Eh, what was that? You
want... brains? Well, I'm afraid that I- HEY! Get your
filthy hands off of me! You do not have the luxury of
laying your hands upon me, and especially your
disgusting beorc ones!
Ugh, damn humans, perhaps there is someone with a bit
more understanding. Ah ha! Some laguz! Though, I don't
think I've heard of laguz that look quite so much like
humans before. Or are quite so... purple. Excuse me,
gentlemen, I am here to offer my services to you. I'm
sorry, what? What do you mean that sort of thing is
banned here? Running a business? WHAT? You think that
I was offering that?! How dare you insinuate
such a thing! I'll have you know you that I am the
king of Kilvas, not that you backwater half-breeds
would know what that is.
Hmph. This filthy, crude town disgusts me, it's
obvious that this backwater town doesn't deserve
Kilvas's aid. Now, where did I come in?
Poll Vote!
Character: Takashi Kamiyama
Series: Cromartie High School
Character Age: 16
Canon: Throughout history, there are certain people who make the world a decidedly better place than it was before they made their mark on society. Takashi Kamiyama, an honors student and all-around insufferable do-gooder, distinctly wishes he were one of those people. To this effect, when he ended up at Cromartie High School, a school where the student body is comprised entirely of some of the worst delinquents in Japan (not to mention a robot, a musclebound man who never speaks and bears a suspicious resemblance to a certain classic rock frontman, and an actual gorilla), he soon vowed to make the school a better place for all and to generally work to turn the students into functional, productive members of society.
Unfortunately, these noble intentions are somewhat mired by the fact that Kamiyama himself really isn’t the type of person who could truly spearhead any sort of revolution whatsoever; he’s prone to completely inane tangents regarding morals and ethics, is incredibly gullible, gets easily distracted, is the very definition of the word ‘uncool,’ and is mostly just a massive dork in general who has absolutely no street smarts and very little in the way of common sense. Still, he’s an idealistic and well-meaning dork and though he may let some of the worse habits of his classmates rub off on him at times, he always sticks to his guns. It’s just unfortunate that said guns misfire more often than not.
Sample Post:
Attention, fellow campers! Now, I just got here and admittedly I'm not sure what the usual procedure for American summer camps are, but this? This certainly can't be right! So if you'd all just stop what you're doing for a moment and listen to what I have to say, I think we can make this camp a better place for everyone. ... yes, that goes for you guys in the corner who are... my god, are you eating each other? While I'm not the type to look down upon the... uh, interests and hobbies of others or anything, that sort of thing should be done in the privacy of your own cabin! I mean, there are CHILDREN present here, for god’s sake!
Now, listen. I understand the pressures of summer camp; a whole summer away from the positive, calming influence of your dear, loving parents? That's enough to drive any hot-blooded teenager crazy! But this... this anarchy isn't what summer camp is supposed to be about at all! Where are the s'mores, where are the campfires that aren't causing property damage, where are the exciting, not to mention educational, trust exercises? I mean, I’ve never been to an American summer camp before now... really, I’ve never been to America itself before now either... but that’s what they’re supposed to be all about, right? Even your campfire songs are all wrong! “If you’re a member of the ravenous hordes of the undead and you know it, consume the flesh of the innocent?” That's not uplifting at all! Why, that doesn't even have a catchy ring to it!
But thankfully, I've got a solution! What this camp needs are people who can set an upright moral standard, people who can inspire and educate, and that's where the Camp F. You Die Camper Rehabilitation Corps comes in! Naturally, I will be the chairman. As for my right-hand man? Well, I’ve already found the perfect candidate. Campers, I would like to introduce to you my trusted comrade, First Executive Brigadier Lieutenant Quackers! Naturally, with that many titles he’s truly a second-in-command to be treated with respect and reverence, right?
... a duck? Well, of course he's a duck, I know that! But I assure you, there has never been a duck that has burned with as much fighting spirit and fiery passion as Lt. Quackers here! ... well yes, okay, he more or less just literally breathes fire, but that’s got to count for something! Besides, I have experience working with animals; you should see the guys at my high school!
... uh. Well, see, that was a joke, get it? Because... because teenagers can kind of be like animals at times, and - hey, ow! Don’t throw things at me, this is exactly what I’m talking about! ... Lt. Quackers? I think maybe we should take “archery” off the list of possible fun, team-building camp activities to pursue for right now. Or… anything with any sharp objects at all. Actually, let’s just scratch anything involving anything that could be used as a weapon, which leaves us with...
... so guys, you know what’s really fun and will surely lift your souls and bring joy to your hearts? Macaroni art. Let’s get started, huh?
Poll Vote!
Character: Li Kohran
Series: Sakura Taisen
Character Age: 17
Canon: Sakura Taisen is, in a nutshell, a series about magical actresses who pilot steam-powered mechs to fight the demons that threaten the people of Tokyo. No, really.
Kohran is the group's resident mad scientist mechanic and self-proclaimed genius inventor. She's cheerful, optimistic, and friendly, and she loves robots and other machines. A lot. She's never happier than when she's working on new inventions or "improving" some existing bit of technology. For all her talent, however, her inventions are just as likely to blow up in her face (literally!) as they are to actually work. This doesn't seem to faze her at all, however -- she's not really the sort to let explosions, or anything else, get her down.
Sample Post:
Well, it looks like I'm really lost now. I don't recognize anything around here, and it seems like the swamp air didn't agree with Mr. Path-finder -- at least, that's the only reason I can think of why it would've spontaneously combusted like that again. I thought I had that problem fixed after the first time. I hope no one needed any of those trees for anything, because they're kinda charred now. Oh well, what's a few less trees in a forest,right? I tried to repair it, but I don't have the right materials here, so in the end it only made things worse. I'll have to remember not to try to repair things with toucan feathers and... whatever that green stuff I found on the ground was. Well, unless I want to make a machine that pours out clouds of rainbow smoke and sparkles. That might come in handy at some point -- you never know with these things -- but it doesn't really help me with figuring out where I am.
Well, someone will have to come looking for me eventually, right? So for now I guess I'll just wait here and-- oh, what's that? It looks like... a robot cow, wandering the woods on its own? And in pretty sorry condition, too, all rusty and covered with mud. It's shameful, really, neglecting a perfectly good robot like that! Robots are your friends, you have to treat them right! Some people just don't seem to understand these things. Well, anyway, let's get you cleaned up, Mr. Cowbot... and, hmm, now that I think of it, you could do with a bit of an upgrade, too. After all, you're a little slow.
So how about it, Mr. Cowbot -- how would you like me to make you faster, better, stronger? That's what I thought! Now, this should be simple enough: all I have to do is put this here, expand this a bit and add a bit of that, insert this here... wow, I've never heard a robot make a noise that sounded so much like "iyaa~n" before! And now I just switch this on and...
Oops! Guess it still needs a bit of fine-tuning.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Spitfire
Series: Air Gear
Age: 21
Canon: Canon and App contain SPOILERS for chapters 156-163
In a world where sky is only the beginning, Air Gear gives rise to heroes and villains, battling it out in the calm city nights in hopes of reaching the pinnacle of the Air Trecks world, Trophaeum Tower and the long sought after Sky Regalia hidden at it's peak. A place only the Kings of their world can only hope to conquer, the Tower is guarded jealously by the legendary Sleeping Forest team. To reach the Tower's peak, eight Kings of eight Roads are needed, lending their strength to the one who would be the Sky King.
A highly sought after hairstylist by day and the King of the Flame Road by night -- Spitfire is a commanding figure, controlling three A-T teams, and helping to organize and run one of the largest teams in Japan. As if anyone who runs the Flame Road could ever be completely straight, Spitfire is a delightful blend of flaming metrosexuality and a playful undercurrent of skirt-chasing. Intelligent, charismatic, and focused, he is completely capable of making an in-depth analysis of a situation followed by sudden, loud, and obvious statements of radically stupid capslock shonen-retardisms. He is quite invested in the lives of his teammates and is well aware of the limitations and deficiencies of his own body; having been injured severely in the past, he is far more limited in his sudden battles than most of the other characters. Quite passionate about his convictions and the world he lives in, he decides to pass on his Flame Regalia, selecting Mikura Kazuma shortly before losing his own life standing up for his beliefs.
Sample Entry:
I'm not sure whether it's a relief or not to learn that this place isn't actually hell. I never thought I was bound for heaven, so I had hoped for a third option -- and while I'm GLAD TO BE NOT DEAD, this isn't exactly what I would have selected. I was thinking of a more pleasant welcome, something with scantly clad beauties and fountains of flowing mead and as much NC-17 ratings as a man could ever dream. Instead I find a large assortment of rather unique wildlife that’s far too interested in getting acquainted with my person and not a single signpost or map indicating where I'm supposed to be setting up a salon. So, I may have miscalculated a little! There was some fine print after all, and I guess I could have been more thorough in my perusal of the contract rather than be blinded by a lady's sweet ... words.
Let's see what we have... Here we go. The undersigned does hereby give up all rights and privileges et cetera et cetera and does fully acknowledge and assent to the loss of privacy, dignity, and possibly chastity. That doesn't sound too promising, does it? Hold still, please. I don't want to snip the wrong thing if you keep wiggling around like that. These scissors are kept quite sharp. Ah, there's more. No sex, alcohol, leaving, tampons, and so on. It's no wonder they've put this all in fine print, NO ONE WOULD EVER COME HERE OTHERWISE. Oh, well, this one isn't so bad. At least there's a good medical service and a timely recovery of vital signs in the case of death. See addendum B… Note, that attempts to use this feature over the limit of 9000 times will result in therapy sessions and/or further disciplinary actions. Nope, I take it back; that's just disturbing. Do they honestly think that anyone would be fool enough to die that many times? Oh, gesundheit, sirs.
Ah, well, at least there are some other benefits to being in this place. Though this place is far from an ideal training facility, I'm hoping the rumor I've heard about them being here at least was not a lie. It would certainly ease my mind if I could work Kazu-kun a while longer before letting him run his own Road -- and while it may not seem such a great task, it is nice to know that my other talents will not be laid to rest here either.
Now then, let's see how this looks, shall we? I think the cut of the wig is just right for you, and the purple really does look dashing against your tentacles. No, I'm not lying. Yes, I really do think that. You'll be the absolute talk of the waterfront if you'll just hold still! I promise it looks fine! There, now you should do your best to keep it dry or the styling will fall out, and as much as I have enjoyed this time together, I don't look forward to many repeat visits -- or attempting to get these stains out of my pants. These jeans cost a small fortune.
Oh, and one last thing: if a group of irate gorillas comes by looking like they got mauled by a bout of rabid mange and a flame thrower, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!
Character: Spitfire
Series: Air Gear ( link)
Character Age: 20-21
Canon: In soviet Air Gear, rollerblades wear you. Known as Air Treck or A-T, these motorised skates have sparked a craze that's sweeping the world; they're used for everything from sports to scantily-clad aerobics, but the serious A-T junkies are the Storm Riders, who form gangs in order to claim territory, perfect their skills, and fight their way to the top. The really serious retards specialise in certain types of trick, which they call Roads - whether it's riding the wind, manipulaing magnetic fields, or using friction to create fire. Storm Riders fight over the mastery of their Roads in order to gain Regalia (special A-T that enhance the Road's abilities) and become Kings.
By day a popular and fashionable hairdresser with a knack for charming the ladies, Spitfire is actually the King of the Flame Road and a very high-ranking Storm Rider. While he generally appears to be thoroughly sophisticated, with a taste for fine wine and metro decor and a tendency toward flamboyant entrances, he inevitably seems to drop from cool-headed, smooth-talking exposition guy back into pure A-T dork at crucial moments. Whether he's interrupting his assessment of a match to complain that the hero sucks or arguing with allies over who kicked the enemy most powerfully, though, his obligatory shounen retardation doesn't detract from his badass style. Setting the ground on fire and manipulating time aside, he's also an experienced leader with enough natural charisma that people were choosing to follow him back when he was still a zero.
Sample Post:
I see... so it's the Toucans of the Wing Road versus the Ungrateful Undead. This is a little more literal than I'd anticipated. A high level battle, though, with a large area at stake. Victory will depend on your skills and mastery of the terrain, as always. In fact, there's only one problem.
You have no style at all!
Half of you aren't even wearing A-Ts! It's clearly a one-sided battle, even before it's begun... No matter which road you run, half a shopping cart and someone else's leg are no substitute for decent parts. You'll have to do better than that, if you want to reach the top... if you even want to climb out of this swamp. The only way is up! For you - and me, now. It really does clog up the wheels...
Your basic abilities are sound, but whether you can defeat the toucans' advantage... the probability is less than 5% right now. There's no doubt that they can fly the highest. In order to win you'll need strategy, high level moves, brains!
...your own brains would work better. Interesting - a new Road? Consuming the enemy... It's an impressive skill, though - very few low-level riders could pull off something like that, especially on Barbie rollerskates. 'Decomposition skullcrusher 270'... no style at all, but I can't take this lightly. If you can take down the rest the same way, you might be in with a chance, but it looks like the toucans are bringing out their ultimate wea... pon...
...
Unacceptable! Even if you call it Flaming Wind, that kind of ability - while clearly beyond human! - doesn't qualify you for either Road! Setting your tail on fire even less. No one ordered yakitori here!
It seems there's nothing else to be done... You're all worse than awful, and you have terrible hair! There's no choice but to teach you the meaning of this Road - the ultimate flaming style that's hotter than all others! I'll defeat this terrible sight utterly.
...
A little more off the ears?
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
...ACTUALLY THERE ARE NO EDITS THIS TIME I WAS JUST COPYPASTING TOO FAST.
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Lina Inverse
Series: Slayers (anime) link
Character Age: 16
Canon: In a fantastic world filled with magic and monsters, only one woman stands a chance against the darkness…but she’s busy waiting tables. Instead, the world is stuck with her little sister, Lina Inverse.
Encouraged by said older sister, Lina struck out on her own at the tender age of 13 to make her way in the world as a traveling sorceress. And oh what a sorceress she is! Her tendency to use high-powered black magic to take care of a problem as quickly and as flashily as possible has earned her such epithets like “The Enemy of all who Live.”
Lina, meanwhile, simply considers herself “the Beautiful Sorcery Genius.” She’s more concerned with living the high life-stealing from bandits and giving to herself, hoarding magical goods, and most of all, feeding her considerable appetite. Something of a gourmand, Lina will go to great lengths to procure a good meal-and woe to all who stand in her way!
Sample Post:
Now this is a nice spread! Roast beef, turkey legs, pasta with red sauce and sausage, a salad bar…and a lot of soup. You guys sure know the way to a girl’s heart. This better be worth it, though, because getting here was a royal pain in the ass. Let’s talk about that a bit, shall we? An acquaintance of mine happened to pass off this flyer to me and said that I would find your establishment ‘interesting.’
“Cuisine!
Fantastic!
Unimaginably
Delicious!
Enjoy a buffet-style all you can eat meal like no other. Experience the unique flavor of Southern cooking in a traditional rustic environment. Enjoy the beauty of nature and our exotic wildlife as you dine on dishes that you could have never thought possible!”
Is what your little flyer said. But what that flyer neglected to mention? Your grounds are basically infested with zombies. A girl can put up having to tromp through a muddy swamp for a gourmet all-you-can-eat buffet, but swarms of the undead are kind of a deal-breaker.
Now I am a sorceress-a genius sorceress at that-and I suppose I could take care of your problem for you. Of course, I’ll have to charge you. Don’t think that just giving me a free meal will cover a job of this scale!
You see, zombies are really gross. The funky slime of the undead doesn’t come out of your clothes easily, to say the least. Then there’s the way they shuffle, moan, and fall apart. Furthermore, the fact that there are so many zombies shambling around means that there’s a powerful necromancer at work. Dealing with that is a lot of work for me, you know? Taking that into consideration, it’s going to cost you a lot if you want my help. Lina Inverse is not a walking charity, after all! This is how we’ll do this: I’ve got a number in my head. You start negotiating and if we can’t agree to at least 70% of the fee that I’m thinking of, I’ll have to refuse you my services. Only 70%! Oh Lina, you’re so generous!
But I can’t just negotiate on an empty stomach! First, let’s eat! I think I’ll start with this soup. There seems to be an awful lot of it…
. . .
WHAT
IS
THIS
CRAP?!
Oh, it’s unimaginable, alright. Unimaginably awful! Take me to your chef-we need to have words.
Poll Vote!
Name: Juanita "Nita" Callahan
Series: Young Wizards, by Diane Duane
Age: 14
Canon: Young Wizards is the story of
reoccurring battle between forces of darkness--anthropomorphized into
a spiritual entity known as the Lone Power, who has separated from the
One--and light. Wizardry is derived from pledging yourself to the One.
It is also a tale of personal growth and maturity, and the
difficulties encountered on the path to adulthood.
Nita Callahan was your ordinary introvert, preferring books to the
company of her bullying peers until the day when she found a copy of
the book, So You Want To Be A Wizard in the library. When the
book turned out to be a manual for wizardry, she began to learn how
tap into her personal power of the One as a wizard. Over the course
and the series, she has weathered numerous challenges, personal and
wizardly, and has grown into a strong tempered and mostly confident
normal girl: mostly happy, curious and empathetic, until you incur her
anger, and touchy about her appearance as a tall and well-developed
girl for her age. She is also personally proficient in several forms
of wizardry, including manipulating the rules of the universe through
a group of rules called a kernel, prophecy, lucid dreaming, talking to
trees and the linguistics of the Speech that all wizards use.
Note:Dai stihò is the traditional greeting in the wizard's
Speech, and precis is the most common term for the summaries that the
manuals generate automatically.
Sample post:
Dai stihò, cousins. I am on errantry, and I can see that we've
got quite the problem here. The wildlife here is all at war with each
other, the people don't seem to be too good at getting along without
killing themselves, and some of the laws of physics seem to be acting
like someone took a stick and hit them with it. Fortunately, I think
we can all take care of most of these problems with a little bit of
help from the manual. I think we'll be out of here in no time if we
all work together as a team--after all, that's the only reason so many
wizards would be here, right?
But first things first. We have to get everyone ready to leave here.
Looks like you guys have gotten pretty comfortable for a place that's
only supposed to be a summer camp, even if you have been here for two
years, but it's time to go. I know some of you guys want to get out
with everything you have and now, but we've gotta take this one
step at a time. We don't want to panic and have to do something
potentially dangerous, like engaging the wildlife--hey! Who
threw that?
You! Would you like to remove your arm from my leg before I remove it
for you? I'm not joking--no one gets to touch me like that. Not even
my non existent boyfriend, because if he did exist, he would cease to
exist after that little stunt you just pulled. And besides, I'm
so not old enough for that yet. I just started high school, for crying
out loud. I'm not ready for that yet! Nor do I need you staring at my
chest so hard that you're gonna set it on fire. Unless you'd like me
to set your head on fire for you?
Don't worry, you could go cool off in that lake there. Oh, there's a
tentacle monster in it? Well, maybe she'd be happier to see
you. Creep.
I am not giving up on this place yet. I am not going to give up
on these people. I am not going to even hurt any of the zombies very
much. I will be calm and polite to the next person who tries to talk
to me, no matter what they say...No, I really don't
think that's part of teamwork.
Poll Vote!
Character: Naesala
Series: Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance
Character Age: Lower hundreds, equivalent to a
human in their late teens.
Canon: Fire Emblem: Path of
Radiance is about a war, a war which embattles the
entire continent of Tellius but is mainly a battle
between the remnants of the country of Crimea and the
country of Daien. On the continent there are two
races: laguz, a race of changelings, and beorc, or
humans. Laguz are considered lesser beings by the
humans, and because of this mentality there is a great
division in race in the world. It is as a result of
this racism by the humans that laguz distance
themselves from human conflicts, only becoming
involved when it directly affects them.
Naesala is initially introduced as the amoral king of
the raven tribe of laguz, a shrewd businessman who
could and probably would sell a child out of its
mother's arms, smooth and extremely skilled at getting
others to do what he wants. It is clear from the very
start that his only true intentions are to amass
enough wealth in order to purchase land on the main
continent so that his people can prosper. To achieve
this end, he has ordered his men to act as pirates and
attack the merchant vessels of all countries; Naesala
doesn't discriminate as to where the gold comes from,
so long as it's his in the end. He will also lend
military aid in the form of Kilvas soldiers to anyone
willing to pay the handsome price such aid comes at.
He is, however, weak against things that are shiny; in
fact he carries a shiny coin on his person at all
times. He likes to puff up and act like he's the best,
but he's in reality very easily topped by his
childhood friend and his advisor, who insists on
calling him 'nestling' as he has seen Naesala just
hatched from the egg.
Sample Post:
Well. Well, well, well.
This is quite an interesting human settlement, isn't
it? A bit drab and gray, but what can you expect of
humans? Everything they build is so uniform and bland;
you'd think that with all their technology, they could
do to spruce it up a bit, something that'll give it a
little colour. Something perhaps a bit shinier- that
would improve it a great deal. They could also do to
clean it, ugh; I can smell the unwashed savages from
up here, the entire place smells like a corpse-strewn
battlefield.
Hmph, you'd think with an area of land this size that
there'd be someone in charge, someone who'd need and
could afford the services of the Ravens of Kilvas. And
doubly so for a Daien settlement; for all their pomp
and self-professed hatred of the laguz, they certainly
fall over themselves to pay for my people's services.
Well, as much as I loath to touch my feet to the
ground, I suppose that I must.
Oh! It's worse on the ground than above! Everything's
all dull and lifeless and... are my feet
sinking?! Ugh, very well. Everything I do, I do
to lift up Kilvas from its lowly place, I just... have
to keep reminding myself of that.
Excuse me sirs, I noticed that you walk with an air
of... well, you walk with an air, that much is
certain. I am Naesala of Kilvas and I come to you with
a very lucrative proposition. How would you, yes,
you, like to have a retinue of your very own
soldiers of Kilvas? Yes, the soldiers of Kilvas- they
can tear through your enemies! They slice, they dice,
they... no, no I'm fairly sure that they cannot
julienne fries. With your generous donation of say,
fifty thousand gold pieces, a small group of five
Kilvas soldiers will be yours to command. But wait-
there's more! With your continued support to the
nation of Kilvas the number of soldiers at your
command has the potential to grow exponentially. Well,
gentlemen? Do we have a deal? Eh, what was that? You
want... brains? Well, I'm afraid that I- HEY! Get your
filthy hands off of me! You do not have the luxury of
laying your hands upon me, and especially your
disgusting beorc ones!
Ugh, damn humans, perhaps there is someone with a bit
more understanding. Ah ha! Some laguz! Though, I don't
think I've heard of laguz that look quite so much like
humans before. Or are quite so... purple. Excuse me,
gentlemen, I am here to offer my services to you. I'm
sorry, what? What do you mean that sort of thing is
banned here? Running a business? WHAT? You think that
I was offering that?! How dare you insinuate
such a thing! I'll have you know you that I am the
king of Kilvas, not that you backwater half-breeds
would know what that is.
Hmph. This filthy, crude town disgusts me, it's
obvious that this backwater town doesn't deserve
Kilvas's aid. Now, where did I come in?
Poll Vote!
Character: Takashi Kamiyama
Series: Cromartie High School
Character Age: 16
Canon: Throughout history, there are certain people who make the world a decidedly better place than it was before they made their mark on society. Takashi Kamiyama, an honors student and all-around insufferable do-gooder, distinctly wishes he were one of those people. To this effect, when he ended up at Cromartie High School, a school where the student body is comprised entirely of some of the worst delinquents in Japan (not to mention a robot, a musclebound man who never speaks and bears a suspicious resemblance to a certain classic rock frontman, and an actual gorilla), he soon vowed to make the school a better place for all and to generally work to turn the students into functional, productive members of society.
Unfortunately, these noble intentions are somewhat mired by the fact that Kamiyama himself really isn’t the type of person who could truly spearhead any sort of revolution whatsoever; he’s prone to completely inane tangents regarding morals and ethics, is incredibly gullible, gets easily distracted, is the very definition of the word ‘uncool,’ and is mostly just a massive dork in general who has absolutely no street smarts and very little in the way of common sense. Still, he’s an idealistic and well-meaning dork and though he may let some of the worse habits of his classmates rub off on him at times, he always sticks to his guns. It’s just unfortunate that said guns misfire more often than not.
Sample Post:
Attention, fellow campers! Now, I just got here and admittedly I'm not sure what the usual procedure for American summer camps are, but this? This certainly can't be right! So if you'd all just stop what you're doing for a moment and listen to what I have to say, I think we can make this camp a better place for everyone. ... yes, that goes for you guys in the corner who are... my god, are you eating each other? While I'm not the type to look down upon the... uh, interests and hobbies of others or anything, that sort of thing should be done in the privacy of your own cabin! I mean, there are CHILDREN present here, for god’s sake!
Now, listen. I understand the pressures of summer camp; a whole summer away from the positive, calming influence of your dear, loving parents? That's enough to drive any hot-blooded teenager crazy! But this... this anarchy isn't what summer camp is supposed to be about at all! Where are the s'mores, where are the campfires that aren't causing property damage, where are the exciting, not to mention educational, trust exercises? I mean, I’ve never been to an American summer camp before now... really, I’ve never been to America itself before now either... but that’s what they’re supposed to be all about, right? Even your campfire songs are all wrong! “If you’re a member of the ravenous hordes of the undead and you know it, consume the flesh of the innocent?” That's not uplifting at all! Why, that doesn't even have a catchy ring to it!
But thankfully, I've got a solution! What this camp needs are people who can set an upright moral standard, people who can inspire and educate, and that's where the Camp F. You Die Camper Rehabilitation Corps comes in! Naturally, I will be the chairman. As for my right-hand man? Well, I’ve already found the perfect candidate. Campers, I would like to introduce to you my trusted comrade, First Executive Brigadier Lieutenant Quackers! Naturally, with that many titles he’s truly a second-in-command to be treated with respect and reverence, right?
... a duck? Well, of course he's a duck, I know that! But I assure you, there has never been a duck that has burned with as much fighting spirit and fiery passion as Lt. Quackers here! ... well yes, okay, he more or less just literally breathes fire, but that’s got to count for something! Besides, I have experience working with animals; you should see the guys at my high school!
... uh. Well, see, that was a joke, get it? Because... because teenagers can kind of be like animals at times, and - hey, ow! Don’t throw things at me, this is exactly what I’m talking about! ... Lt. Quackers? I think maybe we should take “archery” off the list of possible fun, team-building camp activities to pursue for right now. Or… anything with any sharp objects at all. Actually, let’s just scratch anything involving anything that could be used as a weapon, which leaves us with...
... so guys, you know what’s really fun and will surely lift your souls and bring joy to your hearts? Macaroni art. Let’s get started, huh?
Poll Vote!
Character: Li Kohran
Series: Sakura Taisen
Character Age: 17
Canon: Sakura Taisen is, in a nutshell, a series about magical actresses who pilot steam-powered mechs to fight the demons that threaten the people of Tokyo. No, really.
Kohran is the group's resident mad scientist mechanic and self-proclaimed genius inventor. She's cheerful, optimistic, and friendly, and she loves robots and other machines. A lot. She's never happier than when she's working on new inventions or "improving" some existing bit of technology. For all her talent, however, her inventions are just as likely to blow up in her face (literally!) as they are to actually work. This doesn't seem to faze her at all, however -- she's not really the sort to let explosions, or anything else, get her down.
Sample Post:
Well, it looks like I'm really lost now. I don't recognize anything around here, and it seems like the swamp air didn't agree with Mr. Path-finder -- at least, that's the only reason I can think of why it would've spontaneously combusted like that again. I thought I had that problem fixed after the first time. I hope no one needed any of those trees for anything, because they're kinda charred now. Oh well, what's a few less trees in a forest,right? I tried to repair it, but I don't have the right materials here, so in the end it only made things worse. I'll have to remember not to try to repair things with toucan feathers and... whatever that green stuff I found on the ground was. Well, unless I want to make a machine that pours out clouds of rainbow smoke and sparkles. That might come in handy at some point -- you never know with these things -- but it doesn't really help me with figuring out where I am.
Well, someone will have to come looking for me eventually, right? So for now I guess I'll just wait here and-- oh, what's that? It looks like... a robot cow, wandering the woods on its own? And in pretty sorry condition, too, all rusty and covered with mud. It's shameful, really, neglecting a perfectly good robot like that! Robots are your friends, you have to treat them right! Some people just don't seem to understand these things. Well, anyway, let's get you cleaned up, Mr. Cowbot... and, hmm, now that I think of it, you could do with a bit of an upgrade, too. After all, you're a little slow.
So how about it, Mr. Cowbot -- how would you like me to make you faster, better, stronger? That's what I thought! Now, this should be simple enough: all I have to do is put this here, expand this a bit and add a bit of that, insert this here... wow, I've never heard a robot make a noise that sounded so much like "iyaa~n" before! And now I just switch this on and...
Oops! Guess it still needs a bit of fine-tuning.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Spitfire
Series: Air Gear
Age: 21
Canon: Canon and App contain SPOILERS for chapters 156-163
In a world where sky is only the beginning, Air Gear gives rise to heroes and villains, battling it out in the calm city nights in hopes of reaching the pinnacle of the Air Trecks world, Trophaeum Tower and the long sought after Sky Regalia hidden at it's peak. A place only the Kings of their world can only hope to conquer, the Tower is guarded jealously by the legendary Sleeping Forest team. To reach the Tower's peak, eight Kings of eight Roads are needed, lending their strength to the one who would be the Sky King.
A highly sought after hairstylist by day and the King of the Flame Road by night -- Spitfire is a commanding figure, controlling three A-T teams, and helping to organize and run one of the largest teams in Japan. As if anyone who runs the Flame Road could ever be completely straight, Spitfire is a delightful blend of flaming metrosexuality and a playful undercurrent of skirt-chasing. Intelligent, charismatic, and focused, he is completely capable of making an in-depth analysis of a situation followed by sudden, loud, and obvious statements of radically stupid capslock shonen-retardisms. He is quite invested in the lives of his teammates and is well aware of the limitations and deficiencies of his own body; having been injured severely in the past, he is far more limited in his sudden battles than most of the other characters. Quite passionate about his convictions and the world he lives in, he decides to pass on his Flame Regalia, selecting Mikura Kazuma shortly before losing his own life standing up for his beliefs.
Sample Entry:
I'm not sure whether it's a relief or not to learn that this place isn't actually hell. I never thought I was bound for heaven, so I had hoped for a third option -- and while I'm GLAD TO BE NOT DEAD, this isn't exactly what I would have selected. I was thinking of a more pleasant welcome, something with scantly clad beauties and fountains of flowing mead and as much NC-17 ratings as a man could ever dream. Instead I find a large assortment of rather unique wildlife that’s far too interested in getting acquainted with my person and not a single signpost or map indicating where I'm supposed to be setting up a salon. So, I may have miscalculated a little! There was some fine print after all, and I guess I could have been more thorough in my perusal of the contract rather than be blinded by a lady's sweet ... words.
Let's see what we have... Here we go. The undersigned does hereby give up all rights and privileges et cetera et cetera and does fully acknowledge and assent to the loss of privacy, dignity, and possibly chastity. That doesn't sound too promising, does it? Hold still, please. I don't want to snip the wrong thing if you keep wiggling around like that. These scissors are kept quite sharp. Ah, there's more. No sex, alcohol, leaving, tampons, and so on. It's no wonder they've put this all in fine print, NO ONE WOULD EVER COME HERE OTHERWISE. Oh, well, this one isn't so bad. At least there's a good medical service and a timely recovery of vital signs in the case of death. See addendum B… Note, that attempts to use this feature over the limit of 9000 times will result in therapy sessions and/or further disciplinary actions. Nope, I take it back; that's just disturbing. Do they honestly think that anyone would be fool enough to die that many times? Oh, gesundheit, sirs.
Ah, well, at least there are some other benefits to being in this place. Though this place is far from an ideal training facility, I'm hoping the rumor I've heard about them being here at least was not a lie. It would certainly ease my mind if I could work Kazu-kun a while longer before letting him run his own Road -- and while it may not seem such a great task, it is nice to know that my other talents will not be laid to rest here either.
Now then, let's see how this looks, shall we? I think the cut of the wig is just right for you, and the purple really does look dashing against your tentacles. No, I'm not lying. Yes, I really do think that. You'll be the absolute talk of the waterfront if you'll just hold still! I promise it looks fine! There, now you should do your best to keep it dry or the styling will fall out, and as much as I have enjoyed this time together, I don't look forward to many repeat visits -- or attempting to get these stains out of my pants. These jeans cost a small fortune.
Oh, and one last thing: if a group of irate gorillas comes by looking like they got mauled by a bout of rabid mange and a flame thrower, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT!
Character: Spitfire
Series: Air Gear ( link)
Character Age: 20-21
Canon: In soviet Air Gear, rollerblades wear you. Known as Air Treck or A-T, these motorised skates have sparked a craze that's sweeping the world; they're used for everything from sports to scantily-clad aerobics, but the serious A-T junkies are the Storm Riders, who form gangs in order to claim territory, perfect their skills, and fight their way to the top. The really serious retards specialise in certain types of trick, which they call Roads - whether it's riding the wind, manipulaing magnetic fields, or using friction to create fire. Storm Riders fight over the mastery of their Roads in order to gain Regalia (special A-T that enhance the Road's abilities) and become Kings.
By day a popular and fashionable hairdresser with a knack for charming the ladies, Spitfire is actually the King of the Flame Road and a very high-ranking Storm Rider. While he generally appears to be thoroughly sophisticated, with a taste for fine wine and metro decor and a tendency toward flamboyant entrances, he inevitably seems to drop from cool-headed, smooth-talking exposition guy back into pure A-T dork at crucial moments. Whether he's interrupting his assessment of a match to complain that the hero sucks or arguing with allies over who kicked the enemy most powerfully, though, his obligatory shounen retardation doesn't detract from his badass style. Setting the ground on fire and manipulating time aside, he's also an experienced leader with enough natural charisma that people were choosing to follow him back when he was still a zero.
Sample Post:
I see... so it's the Toucans of the Wing Road versus the Ungrateful Undead. This is a little more literal than I'd anticipated. A high level battle, though, with a large area at stake. Victory will depend on your skills and mastery of the terrain, as always. In fact, there's only one problem.
You have no style at all!
Half of you aren't even wearing A-Ts! It's clearly a one-sided battle, even before it's begun... No matter which road you run, half a shopping cart and someone else's leg are no substitute for decent parts. You'll have to do better than that, if you want to reach the top... if you even want to climb out of this swamp. The only way is up! For you - and me, now. It really does clog up the wheels...
Your basic abilities are sound, but whether you can defeat the toucans' advantage... the probability is less than 5% right now. There's no doubt that they can fly the highest. In order to win you'll need strategy, high level moves, brains!
...your own brains would work better. Interesting - a new Road? Consuming the enemy... It's an impressive skill, though - very few low-level riders could pull off something like that, especially on Barbie rollerskates. 'Decomposition skullcrusher 270'... no style at all, but I can't take this lightly. If you can take down the rest the same way, you might be in with a chance, but it looks like the toucans are bringing out their ultimate wea... pon...
...
Unacceptable! Even if you call it Flaming Wind, that kind of ability - while clearly beyond human! - doesn't qualify you for either Road! Setting your tail on fire even less. No one ordered yakitori here!
It seems there's nothing else to be done... You're all worse than awful, and you have terrible hair! There's no choice but to teach you the meaning of this Road - the ultimate flaming style that's hotter than all others! I'll defeat this terrible sight utterly.
...
A little more off the ears?
Poll Vote!