counselor apps, batch #2.
All right, if you've been weeded, you should have received an e-mail by now. If we didn't e-mail you, your app should be posted within the week.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- Always, always, always check your tags before mailing an app in.
- ... and let's see if we can go a batch where I don't cut out tags or get wonky formatting from Notepad, kthnx.
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Riza Hawkeye
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist (Manga)
Job Idea: Marksmanship Instructor
Canon: Due to the fact that her past and family life are almost completely unexplored, not much is known about Riza Hawkeye beyond the immediate. She is a First Lieutenant in the military, an excellent marksman, and utterly dedicated to one Colonel Roy Mustang, whom she swears to kill for without hesitation. Riza is firm, smart, strong and no-nonsense. She is only known to have lost her cool in a situation where she believed Roy had been killed, and understandably so since she usually yells at him for putting himself in danger to protect her.
Though Riza's life canonically centers around Roy Mustang and the military, we do catch a rare glimpse at her outside this. She has a dog named Black Hayate (Black Hurricane) that she trained at gunpoint, spends her days off doing household tasks, and doesn't flinch in the face of random inhuman serial killers. She also keeps a revolver in her grocery bag, so it's safe to call her almost anally prudent as well
Ah, I had a feeling the trail of charred corpses would lead me here; I assume this means you have arrived safely, Sir. I am also pleased that you apparently kept in mind my suggestion not to burn down the forest while fending off the advances of the local wildlife.
I apologize for my delay getting our supplies through. The enthusiastic 'welcoming committee' did not prove to be a problem, as I packed sufficient munitions, but locating a navigatable path around the pile of bodies took longer than expected.
Campers,
My name is Riza Hawkeye, rank First Lieutenant in the Amestris Military. Though I am here to assist Colonel Mustang in his diplomatic mission, part of that job requires me to act as a temporary counselor while stationed here.
I expect to enjoy meeting you all, and hope to see you at the class I will be holding to teach proper marksmanship. It is understandable that the plant and animal life in this area might seem unusually threatening, but I can personally assure you that a few precisely placed bullets can at least discourage, if not completely incapitate, everything I have encountered thus far.
However, before I can begin I will require some assistance of my own. There is an officer's tent among our supplies, but in light of the increasily cold weather more solid accomidations for myself and the Colonel are necessary.
Furthermore, I would like to hire a dog-sitter.
Black Hayate is well trained and should not be a problem for anyone, but protocol restricts me from keeping his company while I am on duty. Though this is normally not a problem, I still believe he would enjoy the chance to be around more people. The job is very simple; keep him with you while I am at work, take him for walks, make sure he is fed, and do not allow him on the furniture or to dig holes and fill them with the bodies of the animate corpses. A firm tone and the occasional treat for a good job are all that is necessary to keep him in line.
I will also need someone to keep an eye on the Colonel. Specifically, making sure he does not get distracted from performing his duties while I am instructing my class. The job skills required are much the same.
I will begin holding interviews immediately. Unfortunately, due to the list of things likely to distract the Colonel, only men need apply for the latter position.
Poll Vote!
Character: Umeda Hokuto
Series: Hana-Kimi
Job Idea: Camp Doctor
Canon: Dr. Umeda is the doctor for an all-boys' school in Japan. He's grouchy, likes to harass his students out of boredom, and has a tendency to punch/kick/throw things at troublemakers for fun and profit. He's also gay as Christmas! Described in canon as 'grumpy but always willing to help', he's an asshole to nearly everyone, and he can be downright mean, obnoxious, short-tempered, and verbally and physically violent when he's in a bad mood. But even then, if anyone comes to him with a problem -- big or small, physical, mental, or emotional, he'll do his best to help. Admittedly, 'his best' can include changing into a bikini and shaking maracas at the troubled soul to try to shock them out of their bad mood. He claims to find girls 'depressing' at the best of times, but that's mostly in reference to his crazy older sister; he gets along fine with most girls, while with guys, he mostly harasses the boys and flirts with the men. He favours casual relationships over serious ones, because he's still in love with the guy from way in high school who never paid him any attention -- but he's dating around despite that, 'cause he sees no reason to put his love life on hold for an asshole. In short, he's an utter son of a bitch who's also a good guy at heart.
...
You know, it's times like this I'm just not sure what to think of my sister. The situation went like so:
"Hokuto, I've arranged another job for you!" "School's starting again. You know, my actual job." "You won't be doing that!" "What the hell is that supposed to--"
And then the baseball bat.
On the one hand, she sent me to a horrible place filled with monsters. And yeah, I count the repressed, irritable, oversexed teenagers among the 'monsters'. I hope she dies a horrible, horrible death. ... On the other hand, she's not here, which makes this place worthwhile already.
I think I'll settle on 'hate and fear' for her, feh.
All right, since it looks like I'm stuck here for the next little while, let's get some facts straight:
Hi, I'm your new camp doctor. I'm normally a doctor at a boys' school in Japan, not a camp in America, but a change is apparently as good as a goddamn rest.
I'm queer. This being America, I assume either you'll accept it or attempt to beat me with sticks, one or the other. Either way, I've no intention to molest any of you children -- you're not men. I like men. Men like most of your other counselors, actually, but hell, I'll wait until I've introduced myself to them before we cross that bridge. If you campers worry about me abusing you anyway, I'll disabuse you of the notion with a kick to the head.
Does anyone have a smoke? Fuck, I need one. I'm currently looking over the old camp doctor's charts on you brats.
... On that note, I have to say that as a school doctor I am experienced in treating: sprains and other sports injuries; food poisoning; headaches; normal contagious diseases; and I've got a licence to practice physiotherapy if any of you are feeling particularly twisted. I also have a small supply of female monthly items. Don't ask.
However, I am entirely not experienced in treating: Gunshot wounds; knife wounds; food poisoning that turns you into a small child/changes your personality/creates evil clones; diseases that turn you into animals; diseases that turn you into the wrong sex; diseases that turn you -- actually, if the disease turns you into something other than a grubby snot-nosed sick teenager, I probably can't do too much about it. That said, do come by if you get anything unusual: I'll see if I can do something and if I can't, come by anyway -- I'm in it for the schadenfreude.
-- Ah, wait, something in here about possible curses? That I can do something about. Anyone who's worried about getting cursed, line up and I'll give you one of my naked photos. They're known to drive away evil spells. They're a limited set, so get one before they're gone. I don't really want to run out but what the hell, it's for a good cause.
Poll Vote!
Character: Leon Kennedy
Series: Resident Evil
Job Idea: On-Site Police Officer (?)
Canon: Your first day on the police force is supposed to be cake. Stop a burglar, maybe save a cat from a tree; at worst break up a drug cartel and blow up a meth lab.
That was not how it went for Leon. He had to get involved with the Umbrella Corporation. Result? Good-natured newbie cop gets to spend his first (and only) day as an officer killing zombies. Nothing ever works out for the Raccoon City P.D.
Too bad for Leon, leaving the force and becoming a government agent didn't make things any easier. Turns out he makes really poor career decisions.
Leon is a good guy. He’s difficult to really anger, and can perhaps be a bit cocky. It’s to be expected though, after dealing with inhuman cults and zombie hoards, he’s difficult to phase. Once police officer, and now a government agent, he’s been there and done that. He’s a smart guy who can think on his toes, and is fairly pleasant. Amazingly, considering what he’s been though, he’s not an alarmist and rarely even raises his voice. Hardcore and collected is the name of the game. All this with a wry sense of humor makes Leon the perfect guy to do anything from killing the undead, to exploding the heads of crazed monks with rocket launchers.
Got a call last week offering me a job that would get me out of Raccoon City for a while. “Just come down and work as an on-site police officer for our little summer camp,” the message said. Sounded easy enough, so I accepted.
I really need to start avoiding shit that sounds like it might be a good idea.
This place isn’t exactly the “fun character-building retreat” I was told it was, but I’m guessing the director assumed that telling me it was a zombie infested murder pit, called “Camp Fuck You Die”, would be a turn off. Probably true. But I’m here now, and if you kids don’t learn how to defend yourselves a little better, you won’t make it home to tell your families how great you are at cheating death.
Lesson one, guys: Don’t try to “outsmart” zombies. It may seem clever to shoot them in the knees and then punch them in the face, but this doesn’t work if the creature in question doesn’t realize it should hurt to be shot in the knees. Unless you blow its damned head off, it’s going to get back up and eat your brain. I'm just laying that out there.
Lesson two: This is not an armory. You can’t unload an entire clip on one guy. Quit doing it. Aim for the head.
Bottom line, I'm just a cop here, kids. I really don’t have time to look after people who already have their own guns. Just use some common sense and try to stop killing one another. You're all a very stressed out bunch, and really, you just need to calm it down, get along, and figure out who the real enemy is; because despite what you may think, it could be so much worse.
Poll Vote!
Character: King of The Cosmos
Series: Katamari Damacy
Job Idea: P.E. "instructor"
Canon: The King of the Cosmos rules the universe and all of the stars from the heavens. His huge stature can only be matched by his ego, tempered by his (generally) good-natured and honorable demeanor. Absent-minded and lazy, he sends his growing son, the Prince of the Cosmos, to complete complex chores, such as rebuilding the galaxy he accidentally destroyed in an ecstatic reverie. His harsh treatment of his son's failure (firing laser beams from his eyes at the Prince, among other things) is just his way of pushing his son to succeed. As a child he was treated harshly by his own father, and rebelled, only to realize his father's love for him as his father began to pass away. While generally uncaring towards normal people, when complimented he does his best to give his fans a treat. His speech consists of a mix of poetic nonsense, harsh sarcasm, amusing non sequiturs, and vocalized thoughts.
No... it was not a dream. We did it. The King of all Cosmos has really done it. A cosmos of money... we spent it. Yes... we were naughty. But just between you and Us, it felt quite good. ♥
We were in our Queen's embrace.♥
We felt her beauty and love for all things.
We bought her an Royal Anniversary present larger than any katamari.
That's how it was. You see? She smiled a true smile. A smile that evaporated all of the coins, bills, plastic cards. There used to be so many. Now nothing but moths.
Twas a beautiful dream. But that miraculous moment has passed. When We came to, the Queen was furious. Even the King of All Cosmos was not spared her wrath.
Our problem, your problem, you see?
You owe Us your existence! We are here to collect on your debt!
Even our Prince could not roll up enough things to content our Queen now.
Our Prince is just too small, you see? Rolling up everything will make the campers as strong as Us! ...or at least as strong as our Prince. Our benefit, your benefit, you see?
This place is very camp-y. As if We know what that means. We prefer it a bit more fuck-ish.
My. CFUD certainly is full of things...
Zombies. Gorillas. Toucans. Fruit. Milk. Objects. Dreams. Tentacles...
What is it...? Something's missing...Eureka! We see it! It just doesnt look muscular. The camp does not look buff at all. Everyone is still flabby, yes? Can't you see that, little ones? We say P.E. Most certainly. We will teach it.
R♥O♥L♥L♥I♥N♥G... The sport of Kings!
Poll Vote!
Character: Capt. Malcolm Reynolds
Series: Firefly
Job Idea: Relationship Counselor "Stop Killing Each Other Or I'll Shoot, Dammit" Guy
Canon: Note: Mal is being written post-Serenity; however, there are no
spoilers for the movie in the application itself.
Western sci-fi really snappy dialogue by Joss Whedon = Firefly, an
entertaining show about a bunch of people who steal stuff work
odd jobs in space. The setting itself is a fascinating blend of
eastern and western culture; the protagonists speak (heavily accented)
English but many of the signs and more colorful slang are Chinese.
(Like "self indulgent knot of lunacy," for example.) There's also a
lot of stuff about the Alliance and the border planets and Blue Sun
and other shiny setting tidbits, but they aren't particularly relevant
to this app.
Malcolm Reynolds (see also: Mal, Captain Tightpants, etc.), is an
ex-soldier who bought a Firefly-class ship named Serenity after the
war. Since then, he's assembled a crew of lovable (or not-so-lovable,
in some cases) scoundrels whose motto could be something like "just
keep flying." They're not heroes trying to save the world; they're a
bunch of thieves struggling to make ends meet. Friendly and humorous
at some times, bitterly serious at others, Mal struggles to maintain
his honor and remains fiercely protective of his ship and its crew.
And he looks great in a pretty floral bonnet.
Y'know, I don't recall "babysitting job" bein' slang for
"landing-in-the-middle-of-wannabe-Reaver-territory-and-shooting-at-
things-that're-apparently-just-too-damn-pretty-to-die."
If I were a bit more excitable 'bout that kinda thing, I reckon I'd
be a mite pissed by now. Like with shooting stuff. Throwing a hissy
fit. Going homo homicidal and all them other fancy words the
Doctor likes to use.
But I also reckon you all're pretty reasonable folk, so lemme get
intros out of the way and everything'll be just shiny. The name's
Malcolm Reynolds, captain of the fine ship Serenity. Most of the time
I'm up on that same fine ship, doing captain-y things and generally
being a bad man, but you lucky people get to put up with me for a
spell. Now, it seems you already got enough of them sharp-shootin'
gun-totin' fang zong feng kuang de jie to make a barrel full of
monkeys right jealous. I can tell you right now I ain't gonna add to
that number. Wouldn't wanna make 'em jealous, after all. I got a
better idea.
Seems there's been a rash of crazy antics with all you kids. Heroics
and drama and killin' people and gou shi like that. Well, I
ain't here to interfere with none've your business, and I ain't here
to be a preacher neither. All I'm here to do is make sure you all
settle things like civilized folk and probably shoot you if'n you
don't. Everybody wins. You people don't go killin' each other, I
don't get psychotic urges, we're all healthy and happy and pretty in
the brainpan.
...still hoping for all our sanity that this camp-job-thingy's gonna
end soon. Them Reaver-wannabes ain't gonna make me snap, but typin'
out this gorram accent all the time just might.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hatake Kakashi
Series: Naruto
Job Idea: Increasingly apathetic physical education consultant
Canon: Known infamously as Copy-Nin Kakashi (or “My Eternal
Rival!” depending who you are talking to), he is one of the most powerful
ninja in his village and the only non-Uchiha to posses a sharigan eye that
allows him to copy any technique he sees. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura are
his students, and though he tends to act more like an absentminded uncle
than a teacher (and shows mentally unstable children dangerous
assasination attacks), he cares for them strongely. Kakashi has his own
Angsty Past, which he hides with a smile or just plain hides. He is
perpetually late, usually indifferent, always cryptic, and incurably fond
of reading smutty romance novels.
Hm. I don’t think this is Fire Country. Our trees are healthier and our
people don’t usually spend half an hour bashing against them to get at the
jounin in their branches. Really, I’ve attracted quite a crowd. I should
probably do something about getting away soon.
This wasn’t what I was expecting when Tsunade said she had a mission to
send me on. As much as I enjoy the work - I’ve been so adrift in the
months (years? I forget sometimes) since my students abandoned me - being
stuck in a tree surrounded by attackers that keep losing pieces of
themselves is almost distressing. The moaning doesn’t help. They seem
to be under some body-control jutsu, but not one I’m familiar with and I
can’t pick up any chakra. She could have warned me.
Also, I found a note stuck between pages seventy-six and seventy-seven of
Icha Icha Paradise volume two, the part where Nadeshiko is rescued by the
daimyo’s maturely handsome single father. It mentioned something
regarding a murder and a camp, but more importantly; someone was able to
get that close without my noticing. I will have to be cautious.
Well! Time to get moving.
…
...
Ah, apparently shuriken aren't going to work. I’ll have to acquire
something larger.
Poll Vote!
Character: Andrew "Andy" Waltfeld
Series: Gundam SEED: Destiny (http://www.gundam-seed-d.net/)
Job Idea: Cafeteria Worker
Canon: Andrew Waltfeld is a laid back individual who just loves his coffee; he even experiments with different kinds of blends to find the right taste owning a personal coffee machine to do this. He is a former ZAFT commander who joins Lacus Clyne and the Clyne Faction (later called Terminal in Destiny) in SEED after a battle with Kira Yamato in which he lost part of his arm which in Destiny is a prosthetic which can turn into a gun, an eye, and his love interest, Aisha. Despite all this he forgives Kira because he understands war and its causes/effects on humanity especially for the enigmatic teen who defeated him. His love for coffee, though, is still the same riding into Destiny which in a way symbolizes who he is: a man who is unfazed by pressure and will act in a moment's notice.
Lacus-sama once mentioned, in all her niceness that she is know for, that until I had a cup of coffee maybe even several, uhh, more like in the teens to fire up my body, that I looked like "someone that woke up from the dead." She even took a picture and showed me to further prove her point.
And seeing this camp and all the undead, she's got a point.
Now, that's not to say I won't be a fair and nice counsellor to all, naturals and coordinators alike. Hell, in our last battle Kira made me loose an arm which is now a prosthetic though I must say I love showing off the gun to the zombies that like to get too close, an eye to read the coffee labels, and killed the loved of my life. Despite all that, I'm like a mentor to the kid.
…but I love my coffee. Remember: my coffee first, your endangered lives later.
Maybe I can get the cafeteria workers to build a coffee maker in the kitchen. Hell, I'll do it myself and serve students something resembling food on top of that, especially my special brew. My coffee will turn any zombie camper to an upstanding person in this camp!
And if anyone gets out of line I'll tell them to drink a large cup of "shut the fuck up" and have them be my official coffee testers because it would only be fair.
Now, if only I can convince Lacus-sama that coffee is the key to true peace between humans and zombies.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kurosaki Isshin
Series: BLEACH
Job Idea: Camp Doctor
Canon: Doctor Kurosaki runs a small family clinic. He's spastic, prone to taking the smallest things very seriously, and loves being the center of attention. Also enjoys pounding on his eldest child and has a vast wardrobe of very shiny clothing. He's usually friendly with most people he meets. Actually, a bit too friendly. Scarily friendly.
Daddy decided to take a break from hectic city life and take a job as a camp doctor. Daddy loves the children. Though the uniforms here frighten him a little. Too much red. It's kinda nice here. Fresh swamp air. Invigorating. And the running from the lizards with the sharp teeth will keep Daddy in shape.
The people here are very polite too. They keep asking Daddy for his drains. But daddy found the bathroom all on his own so he had to refuse the polite people.
Daddy has torn his favorite pink ruffled shirt. HIS LIFE IS OVER. NEVER AGAIN SHALL HIS MAGNIFICENT CHEST BE GRACED BY THE PRESENCE OF THE PINK RUFFLES! THE RUFFLES!
Daddy buried it with all the pomp and ceremony it deserved. It sits near an old tree under a cross made from some popsicle sticks he foraged from the cafeteria. The cross reads;
Here Lies the Most Excellent and Splendid Shirt of Kurosaki Isshin
the one with the pink ruffles and nice stiff collar
It served well and was always nice smelling and shiny
Daddy Loves You!
Daddy is so sad. And not just because of the shirt. The campers don't seem to be taking to his charm. One of them threw a pointy rock at him.
He will now go gorge himself on pie and cake until he is fat . . and also dead. Mostly fat.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- Always, always, always check your tags before mailing an app in.
- ... and let's see if we can go a batch where I don't cut out tags or get wonky formatting from Notepad, kthnx.
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Riza Hawkeye
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist (Manga)
Job Idea: Marksmanship Instructor
Canon: Due to the fact that her past and family life are almost completely unexplored, not much is known about Riza Hawkeye beyond the immediate. She is a First Lieutenant in the military, an excellent marksman, and utterly dedicated to one Colonel Roy Mustang, whom she swears to kill for without hesitation. Riza is firm, smart, strong and no-nonsense. She is only known to have lost her cool in a situation where she believed Roy had been killed, and understandably so since she usually yells at him for putting himself in danger to protect her.
Though Riza's life canonically centers around Roy Mustang and the military, we do catch a rare glimpse at her outside this. She has a dog named Black Hayate (Black Hurricane) that she trained at gunpoint, spends her days off doing household tasks, and doesn't flinch in the face of random inhuman serial killers. She also keeps a revolver in her grocery bag, so it's safe to call her almost anally prudent as well
Ah, I had a feeling the trail of charred corpses would lead me here; I assume this means you have arrived safely, Sir. I am also pleased that you apparently kept in mind my suggestion not to burn down the forest while fending off the advances of the local wildlife.
I apologize for my delay getting our supplies through. The enthusiastic 'welcoming committee' did not prove to be a problem, as I packed sufficient munitions, but locating a navigatable path around the pile of bodies took longer than expected.
Campers,
My name is Riza Hawkeye, rank First Lieutenant in the Amestris Military. Though I am here to assist Colonel Mustang in his diplomatic mission, part of that job requires me to act as a temporary counselor while stationed here.
I expect to enjoy meeting you all, and hope to see you at the class I will be holding to teach proper marksmanship. It is understandable that the plant and animal life in this area might seem unusually threatening, but I can personally assure you that a few precisely placed bullets can at least discourage, if not completely incapitate, everything I have encountered thus far.
However, before I can begin I will require some assistance of my own. There is an officer's tent among our supplies, but in light of the increasily cold weather more solid accomidations for myself and the Colonel are necessary.
Furthermore, I would like to hire a dog-sitter.
Black Hayate is well trained and should not be a problem for anyone, but protocol restricts me from keeping his company while I am on duty. Though this is normally not a problem, I still believe he would enjoy the chance to be around more people. The job is very simple; keep him with you while I am at work, take him for walks, make sure he is fed, and do not allow him on the furniture or to dig holes and fill them with the bodies of the animate corpses. A firm tone and the occasional treat for a good job are all that is necessary to keep him in line.
I will also need someone to keep an eye on the Colonel. Specifically, making sure he does not get distracted from performing his duties while I am instructing my class. The job skills required are much the same.
I will begin holding interviews immediately. Unfortunately, due to the list of things likely to distract the Colonel, only men need apply for the latter position.
Poll Vote!
Character: Umeda Hokuto
Series: Hana-Kimi
Job Idea: Camp Doctor
Canon: Dr. Umeda is the doctor for an all-boys' school in Japan. He's grouchy, likes to harass his students out of boredom, and has a tendency to punch/kick/throw things at troublemakers for fun and profit. He's also gay as Christmas! Described in canon as 'grumpy but always willing to help', he's an asshole to nearly everyone, and he can be downright mean, obnoxious, short-tempered, and verbally and physically violent when he's in a bad mood. But even then, if anyone comes to him with a problem -- big or small, physical, mental, or emotional, he'll do his best to help. Admittedly, 'his best' can include changing into a bikini and shaking maracas at the troubled soul to try to shock them out of their bad mood. He claims to find girls 'depressing' at the best of times, but that's mostly in reference to his crazy older sister; he gets along fine with most girls, while with guys, he mostly harasses the boys and flirts with the men. He favours casual relationships over serious ones, because he's still in love with the guy from way in high school who never paid him any attention -- but he's dating around despite that, 'cause he sees no reason to put his love life on hold for an asshole. In short, he's an utter son of a bitch who's also a good guy at heart.
...
You know, it's times like this I'm just not sure what to think of my sister. The situation went like so:
"Hokuto, I've arranged another job for you!" "School's starting again. You know, my actual job." "You won't be doing that!" "What the hell is that supposed to--"
And then the baseball bat.
On the one hand, she sent me to a horrible place filled with monsters. And yeah, I count the repressed, irritable, oversexed teenagers among the 'monsters'. I hope she dies a horrible, horrible death. ... On the other hand, she's not here, which makes this place worthwhile already.
I think I'll settle on 'hate and fear' for her, feh.
All right, since it looks like I'm stuck here for the next little while, let's get some facts straight:
Hi, I'm your new camp doctor. I'm normally a doctor at a boys' school in Japan, not a camp in America, but a change is apparently as good as a goddamn rest.
I'm queer. This being America, I assume either you'll accept it or attempt to beat me with sticks, one or the other. Either way, I've no intention to molest any of you children -- you're not men. I like men. Men like most of your other counselors, actually, but hell, I'll wait until I've introduced myself to them before we cross that bridge. If you campers worry about me abusing you anyway, I'll disabuse you of the notion with a kick to the head.
Does anyone have a smoke? Fuck, I need one. I'm currently looking over the old camp doctor's charts on you brats.
... On that note, I have to say that as a school doctor I am experienced in treating: sprains and other sports injuries; food poisoning; headaches; normal contagious diseases; and I've got a licence to practice physiotherapy if any of you are feeling particularly twisted. I also have a small supply of female monthly items. Don't ask.
However, I am entirely not experienced in treating: Gunshot wounds; knife wounds; food poisoning that turns you into a small child/changes your personality/creates evil clones; diseases that turn you into animals; diseases that turn you into the wrong sex; diseases that turn you -- actually, if the disease turns you into something other than a grubby snot-nosed sick teenager, I probably can't do too much about it. That said, do come by if you get anything unusual: I'll see if I can do something and if I can't, come by anyway -- I'm in it for the schadenfreude.
-- Ah, wait, something in here about possible curses? That I can do something about. Anyone who's worried about getting cursed, line up and I'll give you one of my naked photos. They're known to drive away evil spells. They're a limited set, so get one before they're gone. I don't really want to run out but what the hell, it's for a good cause.
Poll Vote!
Character: Leon Kennedy
Series: Resident Evil
Job Idea: On-Site Police Officer (?)
Canon: Your first day on the police force is supposed to be cake. Stop a burglar, maybe save a cat from a tree; at worst break up a drug cartel and blow up a meth lab.
That was not how it went for Leon. He had to get involved with the Umbrella Corporation. Result? Good-natured newbie cop gets to spend his first (and only) day as an officer killing zombies. Nothing ever works out for the Raccoon City P.D.
Too bad for Leon, leaving the force and becoming a government agent didn't make things any easier. Turns out he makes really poor career decisions.
Leon is a good guy. He’s difficult to really anger, and can perhaps be a bit cocky. It’s to be expected though, after dealing with inhuman cults and zombie hoards, he’s difficult to phase. Once police officer, and now a government agent, he’s been there and done that. He’s a smart guy who can think on his toes, and is fairly pleasant. Amazingly, considering what he’s been though, he’s not an alarmist and rarely even raises his voice. Hardcore and collected is the name of the game. All this with a wry sense of humor makes Leon the perfect guy to do anything from killing the undead, to exploding the heads of crazed monks with rocket launchers.
Got a call last week offering me a job that would get me out of Raccoon City for a while. “Just come down and work as an on-site police officer for our little summer camp,” the message said. Sounded easy enough, so I accepted.
I really need to start avoiding shit that sounds like it might be a good idea.
This place isn’t exactly the “fun character-building retreat” I was told it was, but I’m guessing the director assumed that telling me it was a zombie infested murder pit, called “Camp Fuck You Die”, would be a turn off. Probably true. But I’m here now, and if you kids don’t learn how to defend yourselves a little better, you won’t make it home to tell your families how great you are at cheating death.
Lesson one, guys: Don’t try to “outsmart” zombies. It may seem clever to shoot them in the knees and then punch them in the face, but this doesn’t work if the creature in question doesn’t realize it should hurt to be shot in the knees. Unless you blow its damned head off, it’s going to get back up and eat your brain. I'm just laying that out there.
Lesson two: This is not an armory. You can’t unload an entire clip on one guy. Quit doing it. Aim for the head.
Bottom line, I'm just a cop here, kids. I really don’t have time to look after people who already have their own guns. Just use some common sense and try to stop killing one another. You're all a very stressed out bunch, and really, you just need to calm it down, get along, and figure out who the real enemy is; because despite what you may think, it could be so much worse.
Poll Vote!
Character: King of The Cosmos
Series: Katamari Damacy
Job Idea: P.E. "instructor"
Canon: The King of the Cosmos rules the universe and all of the stars from the heavens. His huge stature can only be matched by his ego, tempered by his (generally) good-natured and honorable demeanor. Absent-minded and lazy, he sends his growing son, the Prince of the Cosmos, to complete complex chores, such as rebuilding the galaxy he accidentally destroyed in an ecstatic reverie. His harsh treatment of his son's failure (firing laser beams from his eyes at the Prince, among other things) is just his way of pushing his son to succeed. As a child he was treated harshly by his own father, and rebelled, only to realize his father's love for him as his father began to pass away. While generally uncaring towards normal people, when complimented he does his best to give his fans a treat. His speech consists of a mix of poetic nonsense, harsh sarcasm, amusing non sequiturs, and vocalized thoughts.
No... it was not a dream. We did it. The King of all Cosmos has really done it. A cosmos of money... we spent it. Yes... we were naughty. But just between you and Us, it felt quite good. ♥
We were in our Queen's embrace.♥
We felt her beauty and love for all things.
We bought her an Royal Anniversary present larger than any katamari.
That's how it was. You see? She smiled a true smile. A smile that evaporated all of the coins, bills, plastic cards. There used to be so many. Now nothing but moths.
Twas a beautiful dream. But that miraculous moment has passed. When We came to, the Queen was furious. Even the King of All Cosmos was not spared her wrath.
Our problem, your problem, you see?
You owe Us your existence! We are here to collect on your debt!
Even our Prince could not roll up enough things to content our Queen now.
Our Prince is just too small, you see? Rolling up everything will make the campers as strong as Us! ...or at least as strong as our Prince. Our benefit, your benefit, you see?
This place is very camp-y. As if We know what that means. We prefer it a bit more fuck-ish.
My. CFUD certainly is full of things...
Zombies. Gorillas. Toucans. Fruit. Milk. Objects. Dreams. Tentacles...
What is it...? Something's missing...Eureka! We see it! It just doesnt look muscular. The camp does not look buff at all. Everyone is still flabby, yes? Can't you see that, little ones? We say P.E. Most certainly. We will teach it.
R♥O♥L♥L♥I♥N♥G... The sport of Kings!
Poll Vote!
Character: Capt. Malcolm Reynolds
Series: Firefly
Job Idea: Relationship Counselor "Stop Killing Each Other Or I'll Shoot, Dammit" Guy
Canon: Note: Mal is being written post-Serenity; however, there are no
spoilers for the movie in the application itself.
Western sci-fi really snappy dialogue by Joss Whedon = Firefly, an
entertaining show about a bunch of people who steal stuff work
odd jobs in space. The setting itself is a fascinating blend of
eastern and western culture; the protagonists speak (heavily accented)
English but many of the signs and more colorful slang are Chinese.
(Like "self indulgent knot of lunacy," for example.) There's also a
lot of stuff about the Alliance and the border planets and Blue Sun
and other shiny setting tidbits, but they aren't particularly relevant
to this app.
Malcolm Reynolds (see also: Mal, Captain Tightpants, etc.), is an
ex-soldier who bought a Firefly-class ship named Serenity after the
war. Since then, he's assembled a crew of lovable (or not-so-lovable,
in some cases) scoundrels whose motto could be something like "just
keep flying." They're not heroes trying to save the world; they're a
bunch of thieves struggling to make ends meet. Friendly and humorous
at some times, bitterly serious at others, Mal struggles to maintain
his honor and remains fiercely protective of his ship and its crew.
And he looks great in a pretty floral bonnet.
Y'know, I don't recall "babysitting job" bein' slang for
"landing-in-the-middle-of-wannabe-Reaver-territory-and-shooting-at-
things-that're-apparently-just-too-damn-pretty-to-die."
If I were a bit more excitable 'bout that kinda thing, I reckon I'd
be a mite pissed by now. Like with shooting stuff. Throwing a hissy
fit. Going homo homicidal and all them other fancy words the
Doctor likes to use.
But I also reckon you all're pretty reasonable folk, so lemme get
intros out of the way and everything'll be just shiny. The name's
Malcolm Reynolds, captain of the fine ship Serenity. Most of the time
I'm up on that same fine ship, doing captain-y things and generally
being a bad man, but you lucky people get to put up with me for a
spell. Now, it seems you already got enough of them sharp-shootin'
gun-totin' fang zong feng kuang de jie to make a barrel full of
monkeys right jealous. I can tell you right now I ain't gonna add to
that number. Wouldn't wanna make 'em jealous, after all. I got a
better idea.
Seems there's been a rash of crazy antics with all you kids. Heroics
and drama and killin' people and gou shi like that. Well, I
ain't here to interfere with none've your business, and I ain't here
to be a preacher neither. All I'm here to do is make sure you all
settle things like civilized folk and probably shoot you if'n you
don't. Everybody wins. You people don't go killin' each other, I
don't get psychotic urges, we're all healthy and happy and pretty in
the brainpan.
...still hoping for all our sanity that this camp-job-thingy's gonna
end soon. Them Reaver-wannabes ain't gonna make me snap, but typin'
out this gorram accent all the time just might.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hatake Kakashi
Series: Naruto
Job Idea: Increasingly apathetic physical education consultant
Canon: Known infamously as Copy-Nin Kakashi (or “My Eternal
Rival!” depending who you are talking to), he is one of the most powerful
ninja in his village and the only non-Uchiha to posses a sharigan eye that
allows him to copy any technique he sees. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura are
his students, and though he tends to act more like an absentminded uncle
than a teacher (and shows mentally unstable children dangerous
assasination attacks), he cares for them strongely. Kakashi has his own
Angsty Past, which he hides with a smile or just plain hides. He is
perpetually late, usually indifferent, always cryptic, and incurably fond
of reading smutty romance novels.
Hm. I don’t think this is Fire Country. Our trees are healthier and our
people don’t usually spend half an hour bashing against them to get at the
jounin in their branches. Really, I’ve attracted quite a crowd. I should
probably do something about getting away soon.
This wasn’t what I was expecting when Tsunade said she had a mission to
send me on. As much as I enjoy the work - I’ve been so adrift in the
months (years? I forget sometimes) since my students abandoned me - being
stuck in a tree surrounded by attackers that keep losing pieces of
themselves is almost distressing. The moaning doesn’t help. They seem
to be under some body-control jutsu, but not one I’m familiar with and I
can’t pick up any chakra. She could have warned me.
Also, I found a note stuck between pages seventy-six and seventy-seven of
Icha Icha Paradise volume two, the part where Nadeshiko is rescued by the
daimyo’s maturely handsome single father. It mentioned something
regarding a murder and a camp, but more importantly; someone was able to
get that close without my noticing. I will have to be cautious.
Well! Time to get moving.
…
...
Ah, apparently shuriken aren't going to work. I’ll have to acquire
something larger.
Poll Vote!
Character: Andrew "Andy" Waltfeld
Series: Gundam SEED: Destiny (http://www.gundam-seed-d.net/)
Job Idea: Cafeteria Worker
Canon: Andrew Waltfeld is a laid back individual who just loves his coffee; he even experiments with different kinds of blends to find the right taste owning a personal coffee machine to do this. He is a former ZAFT commander who joins Lacus Clyne and the Clyne Faction (later called Terminal in Destiny) in SEED after a battle with Kira Yamato in which he lost part of his arm which in Destiny is a prosthetic which can turn into a gun, an eye, and his love interest, Aisha. Despite all this he forgives Kira because he understands war and its causes/effects on humanity especially for the enigmatic teen who defeated him. His love for coffee, though, is still the same riding into Destiny which in a way symbolizes who he is: a man who is unfazed by pressure and will act in a moment's notice.
Lacus-sama once mentioned, in all her niceness that she is know for, that until I had a cup of coffee maybe even several, uhh, more like in the teens to fire up my body, that I looked like "someone that woke up from the dead." She even took a picture and showed me to further prove her point.
And seeing this camp and all the undead, she's got a point.
Now, that's not to say I won't be a fair and nice counsellor to all, naturals and coordinators alike. Hell, in our last battle Kira made me loose an arm which is now a prosthetic though I must say I love showing off the gun to the zombies that like to get too close, an eye to read the coffee labels, and killed the loved of my life. Despite all that, I'm like a mentor to the kid.
…but I love my coffee. Remember: my coffee first, your endangered lives later.
Maybe I can get the cafeteria workers to build a coffee maker in the kitchen. Hell, I'll do it myself and serve students something resembling food on top of that, especially my special brew. My coffee will turn any zombie camper to an upstanding person in this camp!
And if anyone gets out of line I'll tell them to drink a large cup of "shut the fuck up" and have them be my official coffee testers because it would only be fair.
Now, if only I can convince Lacus-sama that coffee is the key to true peace between humans and zombies.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kurosaki Isshin
Series: BLEACH
Job Idea: Camp Doctor
Canon: Doctor Kurosaki runs a small family clinic. He's spastic, prone to taking the smallest things very seriously, and loves being the center of attention. Also enjoys pounding on his eldest child and has a vast wardrobe of very shiny clothing. He's usually friendly with most people he meets. Actually, a bit too friendly. Scarily friendly.
Daddy decided to take a break from hectic city life and take a job as a camp doctor. Daddy loves the children. Though the uniforms here frighten him a little. Too much red. It's kinda nice here. Fresh swamp air. Invigorating. And the running from the lizards with the sharp teeth will keep Daddy in shape.
The people here are very polite too. They keep asking Daddy for his drains. But daddy found the bathroom all on his own so he had to refuse the polite people.
Daddy has torn his favorite pink ruffled shirt. HIS LIFE IS OVER. NEVER AGAIN SHALL HIS MAGNIFICENT CHEST BE GRACED BY THE PRESENCE OF THE PINK RUFFLES! THE RUFFLES!
Daddy buried it with all the pomp and ceremony it deserved. It sits near an old tree under a cross made from some popsicle sticks he foraged from the cafeteria. The cross reads;
Here Lies the Most Excellent and Splendid Shirt of Kurosaki Isshin
the one with the pink ruffles and nice stiff collar
It served well and was always nice smelling and shiny
Daddy Loves You!
Daddy is so sad. And not just because of the shirt. The campers don't seem to be taking to his charm. One of them threw a pointy rock at him.
He will now go gorge himself on pie and cake until he is fat . . and also dead. Mostly fat.
Poll Vote!